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About this blog

A blog to help me (and others) hang in there, and create a better life.

Entries in this blog

A Lot On...thinking Of Taking A Break.

I messaged a member on here a while ago and never heard back; he was a regular contributor - a good one at that - he's just kind of disappeared, and I got to thinking what happened.... ...I've been feeling to take a break from it all - internet activity and resources like this, Depression Forums. We shall see. There's a lot going on. Sometimes I think there must be a kot wrong with me, how klong will it take to find out and fix, should I even do it, or simply igonre it all and live on.

boriqa

boriqa

Not Been On Depression Forum For A While...

I havent actually posted anything in a few days here, really. I had typed up some draft blog entries but haven't had time to edit. It's almost like work? I haven't been doing good even the last few days, as over last 5 weeks, but this few days the badness has been in the form of emotional numbness, still painful bit different. I actually had a brief suicide ideation? thought that I discussed with a friend. thant scared me. Today is another bad one, so far, even though I am trying toi keep busy.

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boriqa

Brutal Mornings

Mornings have been hell for me, lately. It runs from 4:30am ish to 11:30am and during this time I expérience a lot of heavy mood swings ranging from exterme worry and panic, apathy utter loneliness and hopelessness, and chrinic moment/times of boredom. I hope to change some of my patterns in the morning - I need to go for my run in the morning to stop me from destroying thoughts and behavior in the morning. that will be the sign that I am doing well at putting empowering rituals into my day whil

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5 Weeks Of Not Coping

I know that I can feed myself, but about 5 weeks ago was when I knew that, because of at least one concrete thing/sign,I am now unable to cope (according to how I see coping). I really feel lost and alone. I don't know what is going to happen to me, and I have doubts that 'I will make it.' Today, before going to work (afternoon) I will: get some important documents together, speak to my mom, see a friend, then pop into work (and work on my application) and then home to make dinner for the kids.

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'fighting The Good Fight'

Several friends have made me see lately that I need to stand up for myself, when it comes to interacting with my wife. She has been bullying me and taking advantge, maybe even deliberately because of the divorce and settlements(?), and I need to at least protect my state of mind by not accepting all of it: I need to stand up and remember that I am not the sole cause of this, and even did not start the divorce - she did. Divorces do happen, however, I should not accept blame for all the circumsta

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This Morning

I've been up for nearly 3 hours. The first hour spent between being about while my daughter showers and has breakfast readying for school, and just fighting off sadness and worrying by moping about, and taking a 15 lay down. What adds to it is the quietness as she gets ready, we don't talk much although I want to, she is a teenager and also we have not been as close as I would love to be, because of mistakes on my side, like maybe being too harsh on her? I'm not sure, some of it is because of he

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What Is Happening To Me?

The dark moods are even deeper, and now sleep is a tool to deal with it all - I can feel my body become sleepy, so that I can avoid the pain and mental tortures. What is happening to me? I think this period is the most difficult I have ever faced in my life, it seems as though every thing has crashed and burned in a straight run - dad, my marriage, my family, my career and more. Evening time and got some bits done for work and kids. I have been speaking to another DF member via Skype, and it's b

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Sad And Grey Day (So Far)

The day is already passing by, and my mood has been up and down, wriitng the application is hard, but it's coming along, I hope I will be in time and made a call about it (answer machine). My daughter is going to the movies with a friend, so I will drop her, and my son is playing video games and watching TV. He is contemplating a plan to do his homework. All the activities lunch, housework etc will pass the day. The weather here is extremely dreary, wet and rainy. It's cloudy and grey outside. M

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Full House, But Still Unsettled...

My wife has taken my daughter out shopping to celebrate her outstanding school report. My son is with me, it will be a full house when they return. I still feel really unsettled though. Even when she gets back, I have to walk on egg-shells as she's so volatile and can get very ugly, very quickly -if she wants. It is geuinely random as well. I never know what to expect. I say nothing but it wears me down, and because the downstairs is open-plan, we are all exposed to one another, but of course, w

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Breaking Apart,change Of Life Direction

I'm breaking apart. I've been in business and buisness consultancy for about 12 years, but it isn't working out and added to the divorce, dad's death and being disinherited (which was rectified through legal efforts), I feel I am losing my life batte. Yesterday I learnt that the business project I'm working on, a crucial source of income, only has 2-5 weeks left. It came as a surprise, overall. I'm in a state of panic, but also sort of relieved that my whole world is completely caving in? I'm r

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Trying To Be More 'engaged'

I will try to be more engaged with my activities today, no matter how menial. Here's my list of outcome/purposes/tasks: Connect socially to people/humanity (will feel good/reduce bunch of disempowering emotions): finish reading duck's blog;text various people; online activities; fire off an email) Make progress on proceeding(almost everything revolves around this right now): create a list of real estate/property agents;fill at least one more page of important form) cook lunch Keep MFTOT movin

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Things Going Further Downhill

Yesterday I went to see the solicitor, and things look bad. I have to brace for the worst, usually I have the strength to get out of such things. I feel so alone, so down.

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Panic Attack At Work

Another mini or not Panic attck at work - this started when I felt I had to get some profile pictures for the Book club, so i had to go into folders with pictures of the ex etc. i can't bare to deltete those folders.

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Very Busy, Productive, Then Boom!

Its been a very bisy day today, moving on from one thing to another, sometimes I felt bad that I wasn't down. At home though, right now, I feel tremendously alone. It's unbearable. The degreenof emotionnmakes it almost feel physical. I don't want to be alone. Inknow that sleeping or going for a walk will help, but right now it's just not happening...

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Run Dmc, Old Navy - And A Low That Beggars Belief

Shopping for Shoes Today I went to Oxford Street, a very popular shopping area in downtown London, with a friend to check some trainers (sneakers). I had in mind some old school/ retro type, the 'Superstar' from Adidias - ideally the Run DMC 'white with black stripe' - as I thought they might go well this pair of Old Navy pants I got...and this is all partly to do with looking okay for the Book Club meeting - which all ultimately has to do with my loneliness/anxiety and depression. So we travel

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Very Low, It's Hard Not To Just Drink

Feeling so awful, so very anxious, sad and inadequate. My wife is/will no doubt sort her life out - what will I live for? So hard, so hard to not drink. Everytime I have to do soemthing for the divorce, call the solicitor, get documents, or walking around the house and seeing the childrens' photographs and things it can set me off at anytime. I have been very desperately anxious, at one point just walking around town, going through the market, into shops wherever, just to try to get out of pur

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boriqa

Can I Build A New Social Network?

Yes - I'm scared as hell - I'm 44 years old and will soon be back on my OWN, my family structred is now battered, brusied and busted-up, transitioning from a 'happy married man' to the life of the 'single da'd...whose ex-wife will no doubt co-ordinate the childrens' time partially around her dating and sex-life. Harsh times ahead indeed - and in imagining it all, I'm way down in the dumps. This Section of My Blog Will Focus on How I Can Build A New Social Network Book Club So I reckon if I join

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Sunday And Sundays

It's Sunday today. Last Sunday felt like a looong day to get through: et's see what today holds, 'cause it looks similar so far. Wife asked me to go Starbucks and pick up bits from store. This is the same wife who will be moving out soon and is trying to speed up the divorce. I believe she is AS I TYPE on her iPhone texting ex-husband, chances are they will get back together. She is now starting to spend hours upon hours locked in the bedroom or bathroom with her Iphone texting. The kids don't r

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Thursday 24Th April 2014 Plan For Tomorrow, And What Actually Happened

Had this good intentio and started..."I will make a plan for tomorrow, maybe it will help with having more empowering emotions, let's see. Outcome "Marketing was great today,bro" Action items - Make route map. Finish packs. Meet up, pay guys. I didn't finish the plan. Reached Friday and come around 10:30-11:30am was overcome with panic, started walking around in circles in the living room at home , felt like I had to get out, knew I was on 0/1 on scale of 10 in terms of feeling relaxed ie I was

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Roll On 7:45

I hope at 7:45 i can get a rest. I'm here, 7:39 . Tired,from yesterday and last night.

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