I'm in a very dark place. This might be the final episode of the sh!tshow that is my life. I'm unemployed, broke and about a month away from homelessness. The best part? I don't care! I've put in the clutch and I'm just coasting now. Hopefully the rest of the ride will be short and merciful.
I'm still numb from the meeting I had with the boss and HR. Yep, they are going to force me to retire after 31 years. I should be thankful because they aren't firing me outright.
The irony is that I've posted how badly I hate my job so many times here. What I hate the most is how it constantly brings me face to face with my shortcomings and failures. It rubs my face in them. But I was making an uneasy peace with it when the bomb got dropped on me.
I'm not sure where I can go from here
Last night, I got into this endless loop of a thought process where I was forced to relive exactly how I lost my beloved (and now former) girlfriend. It all became crystal clear to me. My mind pinpointed the exact actions that led to her leaving me. Once these incidents were made painfully obvious in my mind, I relived them over and over and over again in agonizing detail. All night long. I couldn't shut it off.
I feel like the lowest piece of sh*t that has ever existed. So I'm "happy" th
All of this pop psychology dogma says that I have to love myself. Am I the only one who thinks that's a massive load of bullsh!t? What's there to love about me? I suck grievously in a myriad of ways. I can't do anything right. The universe conspires to force everything I try to do right off the rails. I don't know why I even bother to try.
I thought I had made this stupendous breakthrough at work today. I actually felt excited for a change. Yeah...well, no. It was just another false hope in
I'm such a lazy b@stard. I can't get myself out and walking every day like I used to. I had this perfect opportunity to join an inexpensive gym right next door to where my daughter works. I give her a ride home at 9 pm five days per week. If I was smart, I'd be at that gym while waiting for her to get done. But I've never been accused of being smart.
My daughter is entering grad school in September so she will be cutting way back on her hours at work. She may only work one night/week. This
Believe it or not, this is meant to be a "fun" blog entry--in spite of the negative tone of the title. I've always hated summer and loved winter. Why? Well, let me begin to list the reasons:
1. Sweat. This is the big one. Even sitting at rest, I generally sweat constantly. Right now, it's 72 degrees in the office and I feel uncomfortably warm. Everybody else in the office is just fine. One coworker is even wearing a sweater! By the way, I detest sweaters unless it's below zero outside. Even
The previous blog entry was stupid. Dwelling on the past like that will keep me walled in. Yeah, my heart is broken and always will be. But I need to travel on. If she ever gets back in contact, I will be the happiest guy in the world. If not...well, I will have to carry on anyway.
I met my (former?) girlfriend here on DF. You probably know that already because I keep bringing it up. I haven't heard from her in over two years. That obviously means it's "over" but there was never a definitive end to the relationship. If only I knew what happened to her.
I didn't listen well enough to her. I was too arrogant and full of myself. As a result, she's gone.
I've tried and tried to move on, but I can't. I'll see something or somebody that reminds me of her and I'll fall
I found out this morning that a friend dropped dead from a heart attack. Suddenly and without warning. I have another friend who seems to be losing his battle with cancer. He's a big strapping guy with the strength of ten men. But his battle is almost over, I fear.
I'm turning 60 later this year. I've worked at the same place for almost 31 years and my heart is no longer in it. I went through an ugly divorce and then more recently lost my girlfriend.
Is it too selfish to want to retire
I didn't check how long it's been since I last posted a blog entry, but I know it has been weeks. Maybe months. I'm not concerned with how long it's been because I really don't care. Haha.
I was going to routinely post here about positive things in my life. Well, that made for very sparse material about which to write. Don't get me wrong; I have it made in some ways: I live alone, I have two hilarious cats, I love my rusty old minivan, etc. etc. But I can't keep repeating that same stuff ov
OK, I decided to once again try to start eating healthy and losing weight. The trick is to cut out carbs, especially donuts/cookies/pastries etc. A person can eat nuts, berries, meat and hard cheese though. But I'm a carb addict.
I'm in such horrible condition right now. I went on a several year bender and I think my heart muscle is shot. I also put on 30 lbs. That weight has to come off, and I need to take a load off of my poorly functioning heart.
I've hijacked this blog to become a
A post in the suicide forum gave me a flashback. I responded with the following in that forum but I also wanted to post it here in the blog. I trace some of my current "issues" back to this time in my life. Maybe I'll explore what it all means some more. Or maybe I won't. Probably wouldn't do me any good.
I had to change schools just before fourth grade. This would have been in 1968. The school I started attending was small, with a 4th grade class of 31 students. They had all been together
I remember listening to Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones when I was in college. I played it over and over again because it so completely described my outlook.
Kind of sad for a dumb ass 18-year-old kid to be thinking that way.
41 years later and I still feel the exact same way.
Honestly, there are many days where I wish they'd just plant me in a room somewhere and fill me up with sedatives. I could then just lay in bed and not give a sh!t about anything.
I kind of don't g
The first initial of my real name is R. It definitely stands for Regret. I have decades-worth of regret piled up inside my mind.
It's time for some more self-flagellation:
I can trace part of the "break up" with my girlfriend to one specific incident. I was with my daughter at a bookstore one morning and my cellphone rang. It was my girlfriend. I quick ran outside to talk with my GF. I don't like talking on my phone in public much anyway. Be that as it may, my GF asked where I was. I t
We've had some extremely cold weather for the past several days...low temps dipping down to -27F and highs only around -13F. Most of the city shut down yesterday and this morning. As I watched the weather forecasts leading up to the cold spell, I started feeling some dread and anxiety. I wanted to hole up in my apartment and not set foot outdoors. Then it hit me--what the hell am I thinking? I used to work outside all day in weather like this. I loved it. It was a source of pride to say, "yeah,
I haven't posted a blog entry in a long time. I'm too lazy to check how long it has been since the last one. Who cares?
My boss is irritating the hell out of me. I think he's being an anus. But whatever. He's the boss and I gotta do whatever he wants.
I had a dream the other night about buying an RV and beginning a new life. It was a cheap, shitty RV but it had enough room for me and my cats. Then I woke up and realized that even a cheap, shitty RV is beyond my grasp. The only way I'll
I did not write this--but I completely agree with it. Thanks to @gandolfication for bringing it to light!
A Word Before
The Ragamuffin Gospel was written with a specific reading audience in mind. This book is not for the super-spiritual.
It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne, and not Jesus, their hero.
It is not for academics who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis.
It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christianit
Well truthfully, I never stop missing her. I'd love to know how many times/day thoughts of her enter my mind. They never stop. Something always comes along to remind me of her...mention of Los Angeles, a raven haired woman standing in line somewhere...all kinds of things. And then the memories come flooding back, followed quickly by massive regret.
As usual, I messed up badly and lost her. Same as it ever was.
Ruby from Supernatural reminds me so much of her. It's bittersweet to gaze u
I experienced a classic example of my pathetic nature recently. Last week, I came home to a note on my apartment's door from an internet company. They are installing fiber optic in all of the units in our complex. They wanted me to either 1. stay home and let the workers in, or 2. leave the door unlocked today (Thursday).
Well, number 2 was not an option because I have two cats. No way I want them getting out.
This instantly threw me into a panic. My place is a complete disaster area b
I got out into my natural element on Saturday. It was 28F/-2.5C and slightly breezy. I walked over to the big lake to watch Winter begin to take hold. Our weather has been warmer than normal for several weeks so the ice isn't forming as quickly as it usually does...nor do we have any snow.
I'm happier being out in these conditions than I would be at 80F and sunny.
I've likened my life to the bowling ball that goes off trajectory and falls into the gutter and rolls towards the back wall. The direction of travel is out of my control; I'm forced to roll only within the narrow confines of the gutter. No hope of forcing myself up and out of it; I just keep rolling. I also have no control over my destination. I'm bound for that back wall next to the pins. The question is, when will the WHAM! of collision happen? I have no control over my trajectory or speed. no
I'm bottoming out today. That's a term we used to use when a car would hit the stops in the suspension after going over a big hump with a full load on board.
The universe is definitely trying to punish me for something today. Probably just for existing.
I'm in a coffee shop and they are playing old tunes from Simon and Garfunkel, as well as the Beatles. It's driving me nuts. Memories of 1969 are flooding back to me and they SUCK. I honestly hate this music. Jenifer Rigby can go to hell
Sunday evening is the worst time for me. I start worrying about Monday morning at work more and more with each passing moment. I used to drink heavily on Sunday evenings, which made Monday mornings even worse. At least I don't have to experience that anymore. But the dread of the coming work day fills my mind and wrecks the waning Sunday. It's now dark outside and that is reflected inside me as well.
Work makes me feel wholly inadequate. I try to act like I'm in control but just under my th
A few months ago, I posted something about wanting to keep a gratefulness journal here. Well, I certainly failed at that.
I just got through an extreme eye-opening experience. It reinforced my perception of myself as a failure. But! I learned something from it. Now if only I can follow through and correct what has been wrong with me.
Yeah, that old tune by "Them" keeps running through my head. The night never leaves for very long. And it comes rushing back with a vengeance. I spent last night reminiscing about what a piece of excrement I was in order to lose my girlfriend. I looked at some more old posts of hers here and my support is noticeably absent...that's because I was too goddamned stupid and/or full of myself to respond. As a result I got ditched. I obviously deserved it. I was so in love with her. Actually, I still