I'm bottoming out today. That's a term we used to use when a car would hit the stops in the suspension after going over a big hump with a full load on board.
The universe is definitely trying to punish me for something today. Probably just for existing.
I'm in a coffee shop and they are playing old tunes from Simon and Garfunkel, as well as the Beatles. It's driving me nuts. Memories of 1969 are flooding back to me and they SUCK. I honestly hate this music. Jenifer Rigby can go to hell and burn.
It doesn't help that I can feel my tonsils swelling up from some virus trying to invade. I can barely swallow and if I do, it really hurts. FML.
Sunday evening is the worst time for me. I start worrying about Monday morning at work more and more with each passing moment. I used to drink heavily on Sunday evenings, which made Monday mornings even worse. At least I don't have to experience that anymore. But the dread of the coming work day fills my mind and wrecks the waning Sunday. It's now dark outside and that is reflected inside me as well.
Work makes me feel wholly inadequate. I try to act like I'm in control but just under my thin veneer, I'm quaking in my boots. My boss intimidates the hell out of me. I want to stand up to him but I dare not. Just the sound of his voice or hearing him cough down the hall clenches my guts and drives up my heart rate. It seems absurd but that is how it goes for me.
A few months ago, I posted something about wanting to keep a gratefulness journal here. Well, I certainly failed at that.
I just got through an extreme eye-opening experience. It reinforced my perception of myself as a failure. But! I learned something from it. Now if only I can follow through and correct what has been wrong with me.
Yeah, that old tune by "Them" keeps running through my head. The night never leaves for very long. And it comes rushing back with a vengeance. I spent last night reminiscing about what a piece of excrement I was in order to lose my girlfriend. I looked at some more old posts of hers here and my support is noticeably absent...that's because I was too goddamned stupid and/or full of myself to respond. As a result I got ditched. I obviously deserved it. I was so in love with her. Actually, I still am. I cannot get over her.
This was definitely the hugest mistake of my life. I've made some massive mistakes but this one dwarfs them all. Frankly, I'm back to feeling suicidal. The most wonderful person to ever come into my life (besides my daughter) and I blew it with her. Absolutely wrecked everything from not being supportive enough.
As if I needed another reason to despise myself.
I frequently ask myself why I even bother to try. No matter what decision I make, it will be wrong. Almost 60 years of evidence points to that inescapable conclusion. I phukk up, repeatedly and endlessly. I had two decisions boomerang on me at work this morning. One right after the other. Both are serious and both place me in trouble.
I took this position 8 years ago based on the experience of the person who was in it before me. It was a piece of cake for her. She rarely had to make decisions and if she did, they didn't result in the kind of grief I'm facing. The workload here has increased exponentially but the bean counters have not increased staffing at all. In fact, I had a position robbed from my unit earlier this year.
At what point does a person bail out and accept the consequences? I owe a massive amount of $$$ to my ex every month, coming out of the divorce 4 years ago. I'm supposed to keep forking over this monthly pot of money until I'm 65. That's 6.5 years away. I can't make it that long. I'm not sure I can make it to the end of the day.
Yesterday was really...something. I had to traipse all over town looking for prescription cat food for my two felines, both of whom have urinary tract issues. My daughter was along for the ride too. At one point, we were negotiating a traffic circle when I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye...it was some guy on a motorcycle doing 30+ MPH as he rounded the curve. I nailed the accelerator to get out of his way. Scared the hell out of me. Once on the straightaway, he caught up to me and started to pass on a 2 lane road. He got beside me on the driver's side and was yelling all kinds of obscenities at me. Then he would ride in front of me and lay on the brakes, forcing me to stop suddenly (with cars coming up on my rear bumper). I was trying to avoid him by taking alternate streets but he kept it up. He was screaming and motioning at me to pull over. Another car tried to get between him and I but he would roar right around them too.
I kept right on going because A. my daughter was with me and B. I didn't know if he was packing heat or not. This went on for 15 minutes! He'd pull in front, grab his brakes, swing over as to hit my vehicle's door, and then pass me again. I finally ditched him by pulling into a busy parking lot at an electronics store. He didn't follow me in there because of all the potential witnesses, I suppose. The guy was absolutely psychotic. He was younger and BIG. I'm older and was driving my rusty old minivan. Why he saw me as a threat, I just don't know.
I was able to avoid a collision in the traffic circle by getting the fook out of his way. And he goes off on me. Gah! Took an hour for my heart to stop racing. 😮
Back when I was in second grade (shortly after the invention of the wheel), I developed a crush on this gorgeous girl. I wanted to sit by her at lunch, play with her at recess, and just generally hang out with her. I don't know if kids that age are supposed to have crushes but I certainly did.
53 years later and I can still clearly remember her name and what she looked like. Unfortunately, "they" split us up in 3rd grade...she went off to a different school.
This is but one more reason I fell so hard for my lost girlfriend. She reminded me of this beautiful girl I fell for over 50 years ago. Yes, maybe I "idealized" my lost girlfriend, but that doesn't change the fact the I was madly in love with her. Hell, I still am. I want to look at pictures I saved of her but I dare not. I'll fall down into that deep hole again and potentially never crawl back up and out of it.
I'm pathetic. Maybe a meteorite will hurtle down from the heavens and obliterate me.
Gah! I just accidentally deleted a long post here. Damn! So here goes again...
Did you know I met my long lost girlfriend here on DF? It's true! She was a member for years.
God help me, I can't get past her, even though it has been a year and a half since I last heard from her.
The relationship started by one of us responding to a post the other had made. I think she talked me out of suicide...or I talked her down; I can't remember exactly. At some point we began corresponding via PMs. Our relationship grew slowly until we finally exchanged emails...and after a time, phone numbers. Probably a six month ramp up until I realized I was falling in love. And it seemed she was doing the same. We shared everything. We talked for hours on the phone. We supported each other through health and relationship issues.
We eventually exchanged pictures and by golly, she liked the way I look. Amazing. I thought she was beautiful too. Stunning, in fact. Huge, deep dark brown eyes and lots of luxurious black hair. Good lord, I fell for her, HARD. We would message back and forth when I was in boring meetings.She would routinely crack me up and I'd have to stifle laughter. I thought about her constantly. I was in a state of bliss when we were chatting or talking over the phone. Just the thought of her warmed me inside.
With her in my life, I felt alive again after years of near-death during my awful marriage and the divorce. I had a reason to get up in the morning. I was as giddy as a high school kid going out with his Big Crush. No, I was even happier than that. I was in heaven.
She was the perfect woman, I thought. In spite of her health issues, which were significant. She was completely accepting of my craziness, and vice-versa.
But then it came to a halt, after 3 wonderful years. In retrospect, I kinda sorta knew something might be wrong. Just hints. She called me less frequently and seemed to grow a bit distant. I chalked it up to her health issues, which were quite pronounced at the time. Finally, the calls and messages stopped coming. April 2017 was the end. No more messages or phone calls, in spite of my attempts to contact her again.
To say I was devastated is a massive understatement. I felt like knife had been repeatedly plunged through my heart. I fell into a pit of despair that I still haven't crawled out of. I was crushed. I began drinking heavily because, "who cares?" I certainly didn't care. Life sucked grievously without her.
I'd give anything to have her back. I've never been in love like that, even when my ex and I started dating. My GF was everything to me. Memories of her voice and beautiful face still haunt me, no matter if I'm awake or sleeping.
I suppose I should resign it to just another failure and bitter disappointment in my life. I really should be used to this kind of thing after all these decades of the universe kicking me in the ass. But this one HURTS LIKE HELL. Hell's bells, I'm a guy and I'm crying as I type this.
Whatever. That has become my response to everything since she left. Whatever. I'm doomed to the memories of her that constantly filter into my consciousness. Almost anything will remind me of her...a song, the sight of a woman with long black hair, mention of a place where she lived, whatever. Yes. Whatever.
My life is on endless repeat. The same sh!t keeps happening over and over again. Oh sure, it could be much worse...and it probably will be, sooner rather than later.
I wish I could make the change I want to make. But the consequences would be horrendous. See, there I go again--repeating what I've already said thousands of times before. Repeat...repeat...
My usual Sunday afternoon dread has arrived. I'm almost shaking with anxiety about what tomorrow morning will bring at the office. I'm convinced that I'm living in hell...I wonder what I did in my previous life to land here?
I had a bit of a breakdown at work today. I flashed onto the name of a daycare center near here. It's called "In My Garden". That sent me down into a spiral of despair and regret. When my daughter was little, probably 18 years ago, we made her a reading nook in the back yard. It was nestled in between some tall shrubbery, more or less hidden from view. We created a fairy ring/garden in the middle of it. She loved to sit in there, enjoying the refuge from "the real world". I loved to see her in there of course...knowing that she was insulated from the ugliness of this F'd up world.
There are billions of kids in this world. A majority of them are dying of disease, starvation, and neglect. Others are being blown to bits in wars over greed and power. All kids should have a place in a garden of their own. I wish my daughter didn't have to grow up in such a sick mess that we humans have created. I'm so damned sad just thinking about it, to the point of despair.
I think the biggest "trigger" in my life is my boss. I need to figure out exactly what it is about him that makes me loathe him so badly. It's gotten to the point where if I hear him talking down the hall, or even if he coughs, my guts clench and I feel like jumping out the window to hurtle towards the ground below. I dread seeing him. He has this thing where he simply barges into my office with his notebook and closes the door. It makes me physically sick when he does this. He starts ticking off projects and tasks, expecting me to respond immediately w/o time to think. If that isn't bad enough, he'll ask something like, "what are the top 3 takeaways from the meeting we had yesterday?" Again, he expects an immediate response from me. I'm one of those people who doesn't think quickly on his feet...I need time to put together a reasonable response. He doesn't give me that opportunity.
Yikes! Just now, I heard the door at the end of the office hallway open. I jumped 3 feet off of my chair. Then I realized he's not here this morning so it was merely some coworker coming in. But my blood pressure and heart rate spiked for a few seconds. It's a Pavlovian response...as soon as I hear that door open, I go into panic mode with the thought he's marching towards my office in order to yank me around with his "pop quizzes".
Other people get p!ssed by his behavior too. But they aren't as paranoid about him as I am. It's hard to not think he's singling me out. Especially since he put me on probation after 29 years of working at this place. Retirement can't come soon enough...but it will never come actually, because I'll never be able to afford it.
Such utter simplicity--just be happy. Right? Ya, sure. The kicker is, I can almost imagine it for myself. ALMOST. Whenever I've put a lot of effort into "feeling happy", something has come along to make me spiral down and crash into the ground. Hard. OK, everybody has setbacks. I understand that. Maybe it's pure self-absorption that makes me think my own problems are worse than most people's. Could be. The question is, how do I change my outlook?
Volunteer more. Of course. I do need to stop isolating. I was doing better for awhile but the past month has seen a return to my work-home-work routine where I sit like a bag of potatoes watching TV every night. My cats do provide a lot of comfort however so it "feels good" to be there. Yet I'm not interacting with other human beings. And you know what? I really don't want to. But I should, right?
Our area got 13+ inches of rain earlier in the week. Flooding is widespread. My car's alternator got fried as a result. No big deal, beyond having to cough up $600. But at least my apartment hasn't flooded-yet. Anyway, we now have flooded areas all over the region and it's going to get really hot and humid again. It's my worst nightmare, flooding and nasty hot at the same time. I feel like I live in the tropics, which is the last place on Earth I'd want to be.
National Weather Service is calling for up to 5 inches of rain in the next couple of days as well. Malaria, diphtheria and all the rest of that crap may not be too far off...
My new goal is to move to Antarctica, as the Arctic regions are melting very quickly.
I recently posted photos of the character Ruby from the TV series Supernatural. She's my idea of absolute beauty.
Well, so is the character Ellie from the Supernatural episode "Trial and Error" that I watched last night. I paused the DVD for a long time to let my mind drink in her beauty. The actress is Danay Garcia, who is probably famous for all kinds of things...but I'd never seen nor heard of her before.
I wish I was young, rich and handsome.
Most people love summer. All of that wonderful outdoor recreation! And they look good doing it, too!
Summer is nothing but misery for me. It means itching (from bug bites and foot fungus) and sweat. Constantly.
I don't look good at all in summer attire either.
I can't wait for all of this heat and humidity to blow out of here so I can finally get outside and do things (while listening to others gripe about how "cold" it is).
I haven't been keeping up with this blog like I wanted to. I intended it to be a gratitude journal but it is instead mostly me b*tching and whining. Who wants to read that sh!t, eh?
OK. Something to be grateful for...let's see...well, I accidentally shut the window on my cat's paw earlier today. She jumped up onto the sill just as I was pulling the window down. She screamed in pain but seemed able to walk OK afterwards. I laid down with her for awhile and she was her usual friendly self--purring and snuggling. It would devastate me to know that I had injured her. But it looks as if any injury was small. Wow. That really shook me up.
@20YearsandCounting has been featuring the actor Misha Collins, who plays Castiel on the TV series Supernatural, in her blog posts. I like the Castiel character in the show a lot, but he's not my type. 😀 I thought to myself, "hey, why not post some of my favorite actresses in some posts?" Now your gonna get it. The actress' name is Genevieve Cortese.
People who work near me at the office hear me groan a lot, along with muttering under my breath. I know it's driving them crazy. Hell, it's driving me crazy (or further crazy).
I hate work (but doesn't everybody?). I get frustrated easily. I get hung up making decisions...too much internal discussion while I kick the can further down the road. I got in big trouble for that earlier today. Honestly, I don't blame my boss for being p***** at me. I'm p***** at myself.
Whatever. Life sucks and then you die. I used to think that was a "funny" statement but now I know it to be the absolute truth.
I went to the home improvement store a little while ago to pick up some crap for projects I need to get done. It's 90F and humid AF out there. I was a sweaty mess walking around in the store, but all of the beautiful people were in perfect form.
I'll come right out and admit that I resent the he11 out of them. My body is falling apart from a genetic disease I inherited from my mom's side. My mind is falling apart from severe depression. "Count your blessings", they say. Well, "they" can blow it out their @sses.
I have a friend who keeps sending me these saccharine positive, inspirational, life-affirming messages. Stop it! That sh!t just makes me even more depressed.
I nearly lost my job earlier this week. As bad as I hate it, I'm grateful that I didn't get the axe. I'm 58 and just 3 months short of the 30th work anniversary. I'm completely dependent on each and every paycheck, with no "cushion" to get me through. The divorce settlement has me being a wage slave until I croak.
But! I am still working, and the office has air conditioning. All things considered, I got it good.
I have an appointment with my "primary care" doc in about an hour. I'm going to find out that I'm 30-lbs overweight and my blood pressure is too high. I know that already. Completely and utterly. But I have to go the appointment in order to keep my prescriptions flowing. Whatever...
Back to the "Follow your dreams" and "You can do anything you want" discussion. Really? Well sure, if you are willing to suffer the consequences. These would be severe in my case. I've got a pile of responsibilities that keep me chained in place. And this gets right to the root of my issues. I'm hating life because I can't escape--not without creating problems for my daughter (and my ex). Yes, my daughter is 23 and should be living her own life more than she is. That in turn would free me up some more.
Even at the age of 58, I still have dreams of stuff I want to do. But I can't. I gotta keep my sights set low and slog through the everyday drudgery.
That's what it feels like. I'm standing up on some badly lit & run down stage, performing for an audience of nobody.
"Follow your dreams." Who came up with that sh!t? Some rich person who didn't have to make a living, undoubtedly.
My dreams aren't extravagant in the least--yet they are still unattainable. I'm stuck here.
I've let myself get so far out of shape over the past 3 years. I'm 30-lbs. overweight and have no stamina. I had to dig the grave for our old kitty yesterday and I thought I was going to keel over. That did it. I'm now going to stop eating crap and get more exercise.
Best thing I ever did was quit drinking. While I was still putting that poison down, I got to the point where I was huffing and puffing so badly just to walk on a flat surface. Now after a spell of sobriety (maybe 2 months...or more?) I notice it's easier to get around in spite of being overweight. I walked up the stairs to the top floor of the library and was able to live to tell about it.
Now I have to keep up the energy and desire to do it.
Today I will be joining my ex and daughter to send an old friend over the rainbow bridge. We brought Littleton the kitty home in September of 2000, right as my daughter was starting kindergarten. They have been inseparable ever since. Until today. Poor old Littleton is no longer able to function. It will be a "blessing" to ease her through to the other side, but it's also going to be miserable to see her go. But we have to think of the kitty's quality of life first and foremost...right now, she's hating life. So the humane thing to do is end her misery. I get that rationally but the emotional side of me is have a very rough time.
I'm feeling all kinds of regrets today.
It's nasty hot and humid outside so I am going from one air conditioned place to another. I'd love to go to a pool but there's only one public pool in this entire city of 245,000. Of course, it's packed. I decided to walk around the inside of the mall earlier today and was able to go for a complete half hour without stopping. I kept up a steady 3 MPH pace so that means I made about 1.5 miles. A few years ago, walking 1.5 miles was merely getting warmed up. Now, it's a major accomplishment.