I remember listening to Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones when I was in college. I played it over and over again because it so completely described my outlook.
Kind of sad for a dumb ass 18-year-old kid to be thinking that way.
41 years later and I still feel the exact same way.
Honestly, there are many days where I wish they'd just plant me in a room somewhere and fill me up with sedatives. I could then just lay in bed and not give a sh!t about anything.
I kind of don't give a sh!t right now, but the attitude causes me anxiety and loathing. Better to be all numbed up and not concerned with anything more than getting to the bathroom without falling down.
The first initial of my real name is R. It definitely stands for Regret. I have decades-worth of regret piled up inside my mind.
It's time for some more self-flagellation:
I can trace part of the "break up" with my girlfriend to one specific incident. I was with my daughter at a bookstore one morning and my cellphone rang. It was my girlfriend. I quick ran outside to talk with my GF. I don't like talking on my phone in public much anyway. Be that as it may, my GF asked where I was. I told her that I had ducked outside to chat on the phone. She asked if my daughter was with me. I told her that she was inside the bookstore. Then...long silence. We resumed our conversation but it was very strained. At the end, I told her that I loved her and we hung up.
I got the distinct impression that my GF thought I was hiding our relationship. Well, she was right in a way. I felt weird talking with her around my daughter (who was still living with her mom). This was almost 2 years after the divorce so I should have been more open about the relationship. But I was having one helluva time changing my mindset after 30 years of marriage.
The relationship between my GF and me ended not too long after that. I simply never heard from her again, even though I tried to get in contact with her via phone, text and email. Almost two years later, I still feel sharp pangs of loss and regret.
Just one more "coulda woulda shoulda" issue from my past.
We've had some extremely cold weather for the past several days...low temps dipping down to -27F and highs only around -13F. Most of the city shut down yesterday and this morning. As I watched the weather forecasts leading up to the cold spell, I started feeling some dread and anxiety. I wanted to hole up in my apartment and not set foot outdoors. Then it hit me--what the hell am I thinking? I used to work outside all day in weather like this. I loved it. It was a source of pride to say, "yeah, I chopped holes in the ice on top of cattle watering tanks all morning." I enjoyed the challenge of getting out into the cold.
As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that I just didn't want to go to work. That's what I was trying to avoid; not the cold. With that realization, I decided to push myself out yesterday and today. I had a great time, in spite of my douchey boss being on my @ss. I rode buses around town yesterday and enjoyed a day where there were very few people out & about. Today is busier but it still feels like a holiday of some sort.
It felt good to get back in touch with my old self again. I was one of the few people who showed up at the office. There is a sense of accomplishment in that kind of thing. Now, if I could just cope with my boss's douchiness.
I haven't posted a blog entry in a long time. I'm too lazy to check how long it has been since the last one. Who cares?
My boss is irritating the hell out of me. I think he's being an anus. But whatever. He's the boss and I gotta do whatever he wants.
I had a dream the other night about buying an RV and beginning a new life. It was a cheap, shitty RV but it had enough room for me and my cats. Then I woke up and realized that even a cheap, shitty RV is beyond my grasp. The only way I'll ever be able to retire is to croak. And that's probably what will happen...I'll get carried out of the office on a stretcher without ever doing all of these things I've wanted to do.
I've been divorced for over four years now but I still help maintain the old house. This is in spite of sending my ex an ungodly amount of money each month. I spent this morning shoveling a whole lot of snow from my former driveway. I'm stuck in this rut and I have no clue how to get out of it.
Suckage. Everything is suckage.
I did not write this--but I completely agree with it. Thanks to @gandolfication for bringing it to light!
A Word Before
The Ragamuffin Gospel was written with a specific reading audience in mind. This book is not for the super-spiritual.
It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne, and not Jesus, their hero.
It is not for academics who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis.
It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christianity into a naked appeal to emotion.
It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion.
It is not for Alleluia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation.
It is not for the fearless and tearless.
It is not for red-hot zealots who boast with the rich young ruler of the Gospels, “All these commandments I have kept from my youth.”
It is not for the complacent who hoist over their shoulders a tote bag of honors, diplomas, and good works, actually believing they have it made.
It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus.
If anyone is still reading along, The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out.
It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other.
It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don’t have it all together and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace.
It is for inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker.
It is for poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents.
It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay.
It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God.
It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags.
The Ragamuffin Gospel is a book I wrote for myself and anyone who has grown weary and discouraged along the Way.
Well truthfully, I never stop missing her. I'd love to know how many times/day thoughts of her enter my mind. They never stop. Something always comes along to remind me of her...mention of Los Angeles, a raven haired woman standing in line somewhere...all kinds of things. And then the memories come flooding back, followed quickly by massive regret.
As usual, I messed up badly and lost her. Same as it ever was.
Ruby from Supernatural reminds me so much of her. It's bittersweet to gaze upon Ruby's beauty.
I experienced a classic example of my pathetic nature recently. Last week, I came home to a note on my apartment's door from an internet company. They are installing fiber optic in all of the units in our complex. They wanted me to either 1. stay home and let the workers in, or 2. leave the door unlocked today (Thursday).
Well, number 2 was not an option because I have two cats. No way I want them getting out.
This instantly threw me into a panic. My place is a complete disaster area because I've lost interest in keeping it clean. I don't want anyone coming in to see how crappily I live by myself. Stuff is strewn everywhere and there are piles of books, DVDs etc. on the floor. I need to buy more shelves to store that stuff but it costs money and I just don't have the energy to lug heavy crap up the stairwell.
I worried about this for days. What am I going to do? My anxiety grew as the day approached. Last night, I left a note on my door that read "No entry please--escape artist cat" I also left my cell number in case they wanted to set up a time for me to be there. This morning, I locked the door and hoped the note would suffice. But then I thought, "what if my landlord comes over and lets them in anyway?" I certainly don't want her to see what my place looks like!
Just as I was leaving, I saw the fiber optic company truck pull in to the parking lot. I went over and asked them if they could do my building first so I could stick around. They agreed to it and I ran up to the apartment to clean up the worst of the sh!t. A few minutes later, the dude came to the door and knocked. I opened it while apologizing about the colossal mess. He responded that he wasn't there to make an inspection. Hahaha.
In 10 minutes, it was over with. Yeah, the dude saw my mess but so what? I had been wringing my hands for a week in advance yet it simply wasn't a big deal. But in advance, my mind made it a HUGE DEAL.
The above is an example of how F'd up I am.
I got out into my natural element on Saturday. It was 28F/-2.5C and slightly breezy. I walked over to the big lake to watch Winter begin to take hold. Our weather has been warmer than normal for several weeks so the ice isn't forming as quickly as it usually does...nor do we have any snow.
I'm happier being out in these conditions than I would be at 80F and sunny.
I've likened my life to the bowling ball that goes off trajectory and falls into the gutter and rolls towards the back wall. The direction of travel is out of my control; I'm forced to roll only within the narrow confines of the gutter. No hope of forcing myself up and out of it; I just keep rolling. I also have no control over my destination. I'm bound for that back wall next to the pins. The question is, when will the WHAM! of collision happen? I have no control over my trajectory or speed. no matter how much I resist and fight.
My daughter graduated from college yesterday. My ex-mother in law attend with my ex and me. I was dreading that but she (my ex-MIL) was quite pleasant. I even bought her lunch. But I spent all night wondering if I'd been too selfish in wanting to get out of the never-ending verbal harassment I had to put up with, year after year of the loveless marriage. Maybe I should have simply continued to rise above it and not let it "get to me". Simply be thankful for the little bits and pieces of enjoyment I occasionally got.
I've contemplated going back. My "romance" with the DF member I fell in love with crapped out, leaving me an empty & despairing shell of a man that only wants to drop out of life. I see no future as things stand now. At least if I got back with my ex, I 'd have a purpose (paying down her enormous debt, washing dishes, etc.).
I just don't know. I'm adrift.
"Four strong winds that blow lonely, seven seas that run high
All these things that don't change come what may
But my good times are all gone, and I'm bound for moving on
I'll look for you if I'm ever back this way"
I'm bottoming out today. That's a term we used to use when a car would hit the stops in the suspension after going over a big hump with a full load on board.
The universe is definitely trying to punish me for something today. Probably just for existing.
I'm in a coffee shop and they are playing old tunes from Simon and Garfunkel, as well as the Beatles. It's driving me nuts. Memories of 1969 are flooding back to me and they SUCK. I honestly hate this music. Jenifer Rigby can go to hell and burn.
It doesn't help that I can feel my tonsils swelling up from some virus trying to invade. I can barely swallow and if I do, it really hurts. FML.
Sunday evening is the worst time for me. I start worrying about Monday morning at work more and more with each passing moment. I used to drink heavily on Sunday evenings, which made Monday mornings even worse. At least I don't have to experience that anymore. But the dread of the coming work day fills my mind and wrecks the waning Sunday. It's now dark outside and that is reflected inside me as well.
Work makes me feel wholly inadequate. I try to act like I'm in control but just under my thin veneer, I'm quaking in my boots. My boss intimidates the hell out of me. I want to stand up to him but I dare not. Just the sound of his voice or hearing him cough down the hall clenches my guts and drives up my heart rate. It seems absurd but that is how it goes for me.
A few months ago, I posted something about wanting to keep a gratefulness journal here. Well, I certainly failed at that.
I just got through an extreme eye-opening experience. It reinforced my perception of myself as a failure. But! I learned something from it. Now if only I can follow through and correct what has been wrong with me.
Yeah, that old tune by "Them" keeps running through my head. The night never leaves for very long. And it comes rushing back with a vengeance. I spent last night reminiscing about what a piece of excrement I was in order to lose my girlfriend. I looked at some more old posts of hers here and my support is noticeably absent...that's because I was too goddamned stupid and/or full of myself to respond. As a result I got ditched. I obviously deserved it. I was so in love with her. Actually, I still am. I cannot get over her.
This was definitely the hugest mistake of my life. I've made some massive mistakes but this one dwarfs them all. Frankly, I'm back to feeling suicidal. The most wonderful person to ever come into my life (besides my daughter) and I blew it with her. Absolutely wrecked everything from not being supportive enough.
As if I needed another reason to despise myself.
I frequently ask myself why I even bother to try. No matter what decision I make, it will be wrong. Almost 60 years of evidence points to that inescapable conclusion. I phukk up, repeatedly and endlessly. I had two decisions boomerang on me at work this morning. One right after the other. Both are serious and both place me in trouble.
I took this position 8 years ago based on the experience of the person who was in it before me. It was a piece of cake for her. She rarely had to make decisions and if she did, they didn't result in the kind of grief I'm facing. The workload here has increased exponentially but the bean counters have not increased staffing at all. In fact, I had a position robbed from my unit earlier this year.
At what point does a person bail out and accept the consequences? I owe a massive amount of $$$ to my ex every month, coming out of the divorce 4 years ago. I'm supposed to keep forking over this monthly pot of money until I'm 65. That's 6.5 years away. I can't make it that long. I'm not sure I can make it to the end of the day.
Yesterday was really...something. I had to traipse all over town looking for prescription cat food for my two felines, both of whom have urinary tract issues. My daughter was along for the ride too. At one point, we were negotiating a traffic circle when I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye...it was some guy on a motorcycle doing 30+ MPH as he rounded the curve. I nailed the accelerator to get out of his way. Scared the hell out of me. Once on the straightaway, he caught up to me and started to pass on a 2 lane road. He got beside me on the driver's side and was yelling all kinds of obscenities at me. Then he would ride in front of me and lay on the brakes, forcing me to stop suddenly (with cars coming up on my rear bumper). I was trying to avoid him by taking alternate streets but he kept it up. He was screaming and motioning at me to pull over. Another car tried to get between him and I but he would roar right around them too.
I kept right on going because A. my daughter was with me and B. I didn't know if he was packing heat or not. This went on for 15 minutes! He'd pull in front, grab his brakes, swing over as to hit my vehicle's door, and then pass me again. I finally ditched him by pulling into a busy parking lot at an electronics store. He didn't follow me in there because of all the potential witnesses, I suppose. The guy was absolutely psychotic. He was younger and BIG. I'm older and was driving my rusty old minivan. Why he saw me as a threat, I just don't know.
I was able to avoid a collision in the traffic circle by getting the fook out of his way. And he goes off on me. Gah! Took an hour for my heart to stop racing. 😮
Back when I was in second grade (shortly after the invention of the wheel), I developed a crush on this gorgeous girl. I wanted to sit by her at lunch, play with her at recess, and just generally hang out with her. I don't know if kids that age are supposed to have crushes but I certainly did.
53 years later and I can still clearly remember her name and what she looked like. Unfortunately, "they" split us up in 3rd grade...she went off to a different school.
This is but one more reason I fell so hard for my lost girlfriend. She reminded me of this beautiful girl I fell for over 50 years ago. Yes, maybe I "idealized" my lost girlfriend, but that doesn't change the fact the I was madly in love with her. Hell, I still am. I want to look at pictures I saved of her but I dare not. I'll fall down into that deep hole again and potentially never crawl back up and out of it.
I'm pathetic. Maybe a meteorite will hurtle down from the heavens and obliterate me.
Gah! I just accidentally deleted a long post here. Damn! So here goes again...
Did you know I met my long lost girlfriend here on DF? It's true! She was a member for years.
God help me, I can't get past her, even though it has been a year and a half since I last heard from her.
The relationship started by one of us responding to a post the other had made. I think she talked me out of suicide...or I talked her down; I can't remember exactly. At some point we began corresponding via PMs. Our relationship grew slowly until we finally exchanged emails...and after a time, phone numbers. Probably a six month ramp up until I realized I was falling in love. And it seemed she was doing the same. We shared everything. We talked for hours on the phone. We supported each other through health and relationship issues.
We eventually exchanged pictures and by golly, she liked the way I look. Amazing. I thought she was beautiful too. Stunning, in fact. Huge, deep dark brown eyes and lots of luxurious black hair. Good lord, I fell for her, HARD. We would message back and forth when I was in boring meetings.She would routinely crack me up and I'd have to stifle laughter. I thought about her constantly. I was in a state of bliss when we were chatting or talking over the phone. Just the thought of her warmed me inside.
With her in my life, I felt alive again after years of near-death during my awful marriage and the divorce. I had a reason to get up in the morning. I was as giddy as a high school kid going out with his Big Crush. No, I was even happier than that. I was in heaven.
She was the perfect woman, I thought. In spite of her health issues, which were significant. She was completely accepting of my craziness, and vice-versa.
But then it came to a halt, after 3 wonderful years. In retrospect, I kinda sorta knew something might be wrong. Just hints. She called me less frequently and seemed to grow a bit distant. I chalked it up to her health issues, which were quite pronounced at the time. Finally, the calls and messages stopped coming. April 2017 was the end. No more messages or phone calls, in spite of my attempts to contact her again.
To say I was devastated is a massive understatement. I felt like knife had been repeatedly plunged through my heart. I fell into a pit of despair that I still haven't crawled out of. I was crushed. I began drinking heavily because, "who cares?" I certainly didn't care. Life sucked grievously without her.
I'd give anything to have her back. I've never been in love like that, even when my ex and I started dating. My GF was everything to me. Memories of her voice and beautiful face still haunt me, no matter if I'm awake or sleeping.
I suppose I should resign it to just another failure and bitter disappointment in my life. I really should be used to this kind of thing after all these decades of the universe kicking me in the ass. But this one HURTS LIKE HELL. Hell's bells, I'm a guy and I'm crying as I type this.
Whatever. That has become my response to everything since she left. Whatever. I'm doomed to the memories of her that constantly filter into my consciousness. Almost anything will remind me of her...a song, the sight of a woman with long black hair, mention of a place where she lived, whatever. Yes. Whatever.
My life is on endless repeat. The same sh!t keeps happening over and over again. Oh sure, it could be much worse...and it probably will be, sooner rather than later.
I wish I could make the change I want to make. But the consequences would be horrendous. See, there I go again--repeating what I've already said thousands of times before. Repeat...repeat...
My usual Sunday afternoon dread has arrived. I'm almost shaking with anxiety about what tomorrow morning will bring at the office. I'm convinced that I'm living in hell...I wonder what I did in my previous life to land here?
I had a bit of a breakdown at work today. I flashed onto the name of a daycare center near here. It's called "In My Garden". That sent me down into a spiral of despair and regret. When my daughter was little, probably 18 years ago, we made her a reading nook in the back yard. It was nestled in between some tall shrubbery, more or less hidden from view. We created a fairy ring/garden in the middle of it. She loved to sit in there, enjoying the refuge from "the real world". I loved to see her in there of course...knowing that she was insulated from the ugliness of this F'd up world.
There are billions of kids in this world. A majority of them are dying of disease, starvation, and neglect. Others are being blown to bits in wars over greed and power. All kids should have a place in a garden of their own. I wish my daughter didn't have to grow up in such a sick mess that we humans have created. I'm so damned sad just thinking about it, to the point of despair.
I think the biggest "trigger" in my life is my boss. I need to figure out exactly what it is about him that makes me loathe him so badly. It's gotten to the point where if I hear him talking down the hall, or even if he coughs, my guts clench and I feel like jumping out the window to hurtle towards the ground below. I dread seeing him. He has this thing where he simply barges into my office with his notebook and closes the door. It makes me physically sick when he does this. He starts ticking off projects and tasks, expecting me to respond immediately w/o time to think. If that isn't bad enough, he'll ask something like, "what are the top 3 takeaways from the meeting we had yesterday?" Again, he expects an immediate response from me. I'm one of those people who doesn't think quickly on his feet...I need time to put together a reasonable response. He doesn't give me that opportunity.
Yikes! Just now, I heard the door at the end of the office hallway open. I jumped 3 feet off of my chair. Then I realized he's not here this morning so it was merely some coworker coming in. But my blood pressure and heart rate spiked for a few seconds. It's a Pavlovian response...as soon as I hear that door open, I go into panic mode with the thought he's marching towards my office in order to yank me around with his "pop quizzes".
Other people get p!ssed by his behavior too. But they aren't as paranoid about him as I am. It's hard to not think he's singling me out. Especially since he put me on probation after 29 years of working at this place. Retirement can't come soon enough...but it will never come actually, because I'll never be able to afford it.
Such utter simplicity--just be happy. Right? Ya, sure. The kicker is, I can almost imagine it for myself. ALMOST. Whenever I've put a lot of effort into "feeling happy", something has come along to make me spiral down and crash into the ground. Hard. OK, everybody has setbacks. I understand that. Maybe it's pure self-absorption that makes me think my own problems are worse than most people's. Could be. The question is, how do I change my outlook?
Volunteer more. Of course. I do need to stop isolating. I was doing better for awhile but the past month has seen a return to my work-home-work routine where I sit like a bag of potatoes watching TV every night. My cats do provide a lot of comfort however so it "feels good" to be there. Yet I'm not interacting with other human beings. And you know what? I really don't want to. But I should, right?
Our area got 13+ inches of rain earlier in the week. Flooding is widespread. My car's alternator got fried as a result. No big deal, beyond having to cough up $600. But at least my apartment hasn't flooded-yet. Anyway, we now have flooded areas all over the region and it's going to get really hot and humid again. It's my worst nightmare, flooding and nasty hot at the same time. I feel like I live in the tropics, which is the last place on Earth I'd want to be.
National Weather Service is calling for up to 5 inches of rain in the next couple of days as well. Malaria, diphtheria and all the rest of that crap may not be too far off...
My new goal is to move to Antarctica, as the Arctic regions are melting very quickly.
I recently posted photos of the character Ruby from the TV series Supernatural. She's my idea of absolute beauty.
Well, so is the character Ellie from the Supernatural episode "Trial and Error" that I watched last night. I paused the DVD for a long time to let my mind drink in her beauty. The actress is Danay Garcia, who is probably famous for all kinds of things...but I'd never seen nor heard of her before.
I wish I was young, rich and handsome.
Most people love summer. All of that wonderful outdoor recreation! And they look good doing it, too!
Summer is nothing but misery for me. It means itching (from bug bites and foot fungus) and sweat. Constantly.
I don't look good at all in summer attire either.
I can't wait for all of this heat and humidity to blow out of here so I can finally get outside and do things (while listening to others gripe about how "cold" it is).
I haven't been keeping up with this blog like I wanted to. I intended it to be a gratitude journal but it is instead mostly me b*tching and whining. Who wants to read that sh!t, eh?
OK. Something to be grateful for...let's see...well, I accidentally shut the window on my cat's paw earlier today. She jumped up onto the sill just as I was pulling the window down. She screamed in pain but seemed able to walk OK afterwards. I laid down with her for awhile and she was her usual friendly self--purring and snuggling. It would devastate me to know that I had injured her. But it looks as if any injury was small. Wow. That really shook me up.