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the truth i never spoke in detail

first off don't read if you trigger,  these details i have never spoken to a soul, not my docs, not my therapists, not even my wife, I've only ever generalized them and only to a select few,  i don't even know why i am doing it now, i guess i want to get it out before i die. i was always a shy timid person,    As a child at home i endured mental and physical abuse no child should ever go through, the back of his hand daily just because or the leather strap, i could be watching tv, my sister come

what made me how i am

mental and physical abuse by my father from the time i was real young until i was older and began to fight back, bullied, beat up and pushed around in school and in the neighborhood until i again was older and began to fight back, drug abuse from like 17 yrs old to 27 yrs old, it was my only way of coping with living in hell, 20 yrs old 1st failed attempt, 25 yrs old 2nd failed attempt, anytime i was asked what i wanted for my future i replied i'll be dead before i'm 30 so nothing,  i had some y

surfcaster

surfcaster in myl life

Same old story, last chapter

Well it looks like we are on the last chapter, the book of my life is coming to a close as is me, no matter how hard i try it's just not in the cards, there is nothing left to try, i give, you win, do with me what you will, i figure the fires of hell are close at hand and i welcome you

surfcaster

surfcaster

don't belong on here

can't help feeling that i do not belong here which means i don't belong anywhere,  i feel like i'm the loser that always has a major issue, i feel like people are growing tired of seeing the constant posts of how bad i feel, maybe i should just shut the fff up, maybe my father was right all those years, maybe i am just too stupid and too lazy to learn, what's the point, i fought and i lost,  game over

surfcaster

surfcaster

re-learning what makes me ok

so i'm back to having to re-learn what it takes to make me ok again, but was i ever ok to begin with, not sure, anyway, not dealing well emotionally or mentally, anxiety is high again, isolating again and stressed out still, talked to my therapist today and we talked about everything but mostly how work is stressing me out and how the upcoming busy season is expected to be 10 times busier then last year and how i do not handle work stress well, in her opinion i should consider quitting work and

surfcaster

surfcaster

My World

my world has completely turned arround over the last six months, my new doc and therapist have worked a miracle, im happy most days, i've learned to control my anxiety, i no longer have anger issues, im usually the calmest person in the shop at work. im making new friends which is a miracle for me. my meds are slowly being reduced and i no longer feel depressed. i guess i just wanted to post something positive for a change, see, if it happened to me it can happen to everyone, ive gone from a fai

surfcaster

surfcaster

Conducting Job Interviews

so today i am conducting job interviews all day to try and hire four jobs,all entry level, man where do these people come from, all morning so far and i have yet to interview one person id even think about hiring. don't they read the descriptions of the job before they apply, let alone making their aplication and resume sound good only to find out in the interview they don't know s***. didn't they think i would ask questions about what they wrote they knew. duh

surfcaster

surfcaster

Exited About Going To The Beach

it's about time i finally have something to look forward to, i love going to the beach and fishing all day and relaxing by the ocean. i am hoping that by the end of the weekend i am feeling a little better, but im not sure how that's all going to play out, i just found out that my cousins husband with whom we spent many of days on the beach with just passed away this morning from liver cancer that he had been struggling with. my cousin lives at the beach so im sure i will be seeing her.

surfcaster

surfcaster

Week From Hell Continues

I've had a really rough week that seems to be continuing, I was really hoping things would look up once I was not on call. it just seems like everything I try goes wrong. I want to be normal, I want to be not depressed and I would love to have true friends

surfcaster

surfcaster

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