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Thoughts for the day.

Entries in this blog

Anxiety...

I feel so overwhelmed on a daily basis. I can't function. It's like my brain locks up and goes into safe mode. I am drained of all energy and any motivation I have turns into frustration because I can't function, I can't think, energy to move becomes non-existent so I just sit and stare at something until the feeling subsides. During this time my mind is nearly blank, and oddly content in a way that the anxiety defeated me once again. I also feel like I easily get paranoid, my "heightened awaren

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my dad passed away

My one and only friend in this world passed away  August 08. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so alone.  ;;(

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Life Update I Suppose.

Well, I slipped back into a deeper depression over the summer, and didn't leave the house for week at a time. Just would sit on the computer all day and game. I convinced myself to register for another college/univ course so now I'm taking Archaeology, just one course to get me out of the house for a mandatory hour 3X a week. I feel a bit better getting out, although I rarely leave the house on the non school days. I guess now I dwell on other things like the fact I had hoped that I would make

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Tomorrow Is Mothers Day. Feeling Indifferent About It.

Tomorrow is Mothers Day, I feel like I'm obligated almost to get her 'something' even though she doesn't deserve anything in my books. She hasn't been a mum at all to me, besides birthing part just her 'offspring' and nothing more. The relationship I dreamed of having as a kid was none existent and still non-existent, I try to pretend she's dead. We never had any talks, never did anything together, she put me down growing up, she treated my step sisters like gold, spoiled them, did t things with

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Feel Bleh

I hate when you hurt so bad inside but your body won't let you cry. =( This sucks. Still need a job. I don't have much energy to do anything, leave the house etc. Family thinks it's a motivational problem but it's not, I literally don't have any physical energy. Why do people confuse the two.

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Well Done My Course For Now. =) Feeling Relieved, Kind Of.

Well, since I'm done my course, and summer is approaching I desperately need to find a job. I guess the problem is I honestly don't have any confidence to even go out and look, I had to quit my toxic job in January. I don't understand how some work places are run by a bunch of adults who act as if they haven't left high school, gossip, slander etc. I just couldn't take it any more, the money was decent, but wasn't learning anything new and they cut my hours dramatically since I was going to sch

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I Hate When..

I hate when people call depression a "pity party" this makes me angry beyond belief. I've had this happen to me a few times by so called "friends". I don't express a lot of things I keep it inside until I can't any more. Generally when people ask how I am. I lie, saying everything is good. Because people don't ******* give a sh**. The only thing I've said to people sometimes, is that I've been depressed. Nothing more. How does that equate to a pity party is beyond me. I just want someone to talk

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Never Ending Rut Of Life

I feel so lost, more than ever. I don't know how to get out the rut I am in. Seems like everything I've tried only works temporarily. I end up being happy for a little bit but the feeling of hopelessness and sadness always returns. I've quit my job, in January because the work atmosphere was toxic, I've moved because it was a hell hole there was an ant problem there slumlord that did nothing. Since I've quit my job I don't leave the place unless it's my Anthropology course, that is every second

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=( Feel Really Depressed.

Last couple weeks have been tough, everyday I just feel immense sadness. And just cry for hours. I hate it. I feel so alone. I just wish I didn't wake up. I am tired of being alone with no friends, no one to talk to that understands. I cried in front of my dad for a few hours, he was tried to reassure me but I still feel the same.. I need to look for a new job, since I moved to another part of the city. It's a long commute to drive. I don't even know where to begin to look or what to look for

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Been A Few Months Since I've Logged On Here. Update

Well nothing really has changed with me for the better yet. I've been trying to make new friends, but I'm finding that really difficult. I'm extremely introvert "anti-social' as outsiders would see. I have trouble with eye contact with people. Always been this way. I tend to be housebound a lot, I don't like to go out too much other than to get food or something I need. I want to change this but it's hard. I don't like being alone when out I guess. Been thinking a lot about the future too abou

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Stone Faced? Deju Vu All Over Again.

Well, I guess I'll start with the story with what happened about 8 years February 14th, ago with my Mum. It was a nice spring like afternoon, the snow was gone that year really early, so my mum, sisters and aunt (and myself) decided to make a trip to the lake for the day. Everything just was normal, loaded everything up and set off. About 35mins into the drive, my mum complains of dizziness and light-headed-ness, then kind of got delerius and about a few minutes later out cold limp. My aunt dri

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Lately.

Well lately, I haven't felt like leaving the house. It's got pretty bad, I missed two days of work right in a row this week, but no one from work called, like they usually do if someone's late or hasn't showed up. The department manager instead sent a text message Friday after my shift saying I missed my shift. Real helpful. -_- still my fault though. :verysad3: I just feel really alone this week, wish I had friends like I used to, I think I pushed them all away somehow. I'm pretty disappointed

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