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lost interest in everything

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Feeling so bad

I have been feeling extremely bad for the past three weeks; more so than normal. I seem to always have a cloud looming over my head a majority of the time. Some days is it worse and some days not so. But, lately, oh my goodness. I think I have mentioned that I am in an outpatient program and it is rough. So many feeling coming to the surface. The "processing" group is the hardest one to deal with. That is where we "process" our feelings and work thru them. I had a particular bad this past Tuesda

CricketBoots

CricketBoots

Day Treatment aftermath

I cannot remember if I have said or not that I am in a Day Treatment program and I guess I am too lazy to look back to see, but I will lay the blame on mental exhaustion. I start half-day this coming Monday. In one sense I am happy for that because I won't have to be bothered with it. On the other hand, I feel I need to structure and the communication with the therapist and psychiatrist there. I have not control over any of that. This past Friday was very difficult for me. It was a very stressfu

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CricketBoots

Pdoc Appointment

my last appointment with my private pdoc was this past Friday. I am seeing my VA pdoc. again. my appointment was scheduled with her for this past Monday, but she called in sick. ticked me off. was there at 8:00 AM and she had the nerve to call in sick. arrgghh. mind you, it takes me 1.5 hours to drive there to get to the VA. I guess it was good that she did call in sick though because I was in a very terrible mood. my appointment was rescheduled for today at 1:30. anyway, I was much better today

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CricketBoots

Hard Time

I had a very hard time yesterday.......well since sunday.........but especially yesterday. S. and me went to a nearby town to see America's Music, A Film History of our Popular Music." this session was one of several and covered Blues and Gospel. before we went to the film, we stopped by Wendy's to get a frosty. we sat there. S. talks a lot which is good because I don't. I became very uncomfortable. S. kept talking and looking straight at me in my eyes. I hate it when people look me in my eyes.

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Eeg Results

i talked with my neurologist today about the results of the EEG that was done this week. he said all was clear. i am happy and sad about that. i am happy in the sense that neurologically speaking there appears to not be anything wrong. i am sad because that means something else must be causing my issues and nobody knows what it is. huummmffff.

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Dream

i had a bad dream last tonight. in my dream, i lived in a two story home and it was caving in on me. this is my interpretation of my dream. home caving in: this represented my system. my system was falling apart meaning i was going to lose sanity. my telephone lines stopped working: this meant all of my communication abilities were shutting down. the contractor wasn't helping me fix my home: all of my support - friends, therapist and psychiatrist decided i was hopeless and therefore stopped bein

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CricketBoots

Eeg And The Veteran's Administrtation, As Well As Headaches

ive been away for a while again. im sorry ive not been here to support my DF friends. but, ive been in a bad place myself and didn't feel I could say anything that would have been supportive to anyone. im sorry for that. but i have been thinking about you all, just know that. my new VA pdoc, who doesn't now my history very well, suggested a while back that i have an EEG performed. this is because of the blackouts. i would have to get a referral from my "primary care physician" before the VA woul

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Lithium Update

well, the Lithium didn't work out. I was on a higher dose but that caused me to tremble, esp my hands and fingers. then it was reduced, but my bipolar symptoms started to return. I had an appt with me pdoc this past Friday and she prescribed me tegradol (sp). I am not even sure of the mgs now but I will have to have labs drawn every week for a while to check my white blood cell level until the medicine stabilizes in my system. I really don't like taking meds that can affect me in that way. it is

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CricketBoots

Waylon

I tried to make things right with waylon. he wont listen to me. he just yells at me in my mind. tells me I deserve to not live. I don't understand his hatred for me. he is part of me, so why does he hate me so. I have tried, honestly tried. maybe he is right. maybe I don't deserve to live. what happened to me is my fault. they told me it was my fault. all of them told me that. even the one inside tells me so. I have fuggy clouds passing through. I see myself in them sometimes. I see the way I wo

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Me And The Police

in November of last year I took up the hobby of photography. I needed something to do and try and help me take my mind off my illnesses for a while. I have taken classes at a Tech School on Digital Photography and now I consider myself to be an Amateur Photographer. I live in a very small town. 4 red lights and two of them we don't need. the biggest thing that has happened to our town is that our primary road has been developed into a four-lane highway connecting two larger towns to the north an

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Very Depressed Tonight

I don't understand why all this is happening again. I mean, I was doing so well. sunday night it started. my mind became all foggy, anxiety spiked (I guess which is understandable considering they are weaning me off klonopin), panic attack, head pounding. I just sat on my bed hugging my big pillow. mom came in and saw me and new I was in trouble. she asked what was going on inside. i told her i had reached the end of my rope. i didnt feel like living anymore. i was tired of fighting there battle

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Update 2

it has been a while since I have here and a lot of things have happened. I have missed you all. to try and keep this from being long and boring, I will give you a bullet item listing of the things that have happened: finally found a private female psychiatrist and female psychologist outside the VA system. changed from one VA hospital to another and finally got a female medical doctor and psychiatrist. have been in the psych ward twice since April. the VA psychiatrist had an issue with me s

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Overdue Update

hi everyone. i first want to apologize to everyone for not hanging around on DF and providing some level of support, but im on the rode so much to my pdoc, tdoc and VA medical clinic. it is a 2.5 hour drive to see both my pdoc and tdoc. it is a 1.69 hour drive to the VA medical clinic. i go my pdoc once a month, the VA medical clinic at various times and my tdoc on a weekly basis. so gas, as well as doc fees are eating me up. i have some updates i am going to share but not tonight. im just too t

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Oh God I'm Crashing

the high was fabulous, but now im crashing and I cant take it. I feel so awful. I had such wonderful plans; now they are nightmares. I had called the travel agency for my trip to Ireland, but they said I didn't have enough money on my credit card to cover the cost. I got very angry. why did this "high" have to happen again? I always get these wonderful plans when I am on a high and then things fall through the floor. I am so upset and depress now. I don't want to carry on any longer. that is jus

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CricketBoots

Feeling Great

cant believe how great I feel. its like, like, you know? like nothing ever better. thinking about flying out to California in next few days. cant make up mind where though. just hop on plane and go, you know? see the world. let the world see me. theres nothing I cant do right now. then maybe fly to Ireland for a month or two. yeah, that would be just right. Ireland. just the place to go. im part irish you know. like going home. get in a hot air balloon and see the country from hundreds of feet a

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CricketBoots

My New Tdoc

I cant remember if I posted this topic on my blog or not, but I decided to get away from the Veterans mental health services because I felt they did not care very much about their patients and i was treated very poorly. i found a new pdoc and tdoc about 2.5 hours away from where i live. that is quite a drive. but my thinking was, well this will only be once a month so it wont be so bad. my new pdoc wants to see me once a month which is what i was expecting and seems to be the norm. but, my tdoc

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Hospital Again

I had just gotten out of the hospital the first of this month. then I went to a different Veterans hospital to get registered and they asked to evaluate me. well, after the evaluation, they wouldn't let me leave. they said i was a danger to myself. they told me they were going to admit me to a hospital a little further north. it is the hospital my psychiatrist as privilages at anyway. I did not want to go and told them many times. they had a veterans van come to pick me up and escorted me to the

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CricketBoots

"waylon" Came Out With My Tdoc

i had a tdoc appointment yesterday afternoon. she is my new tdoc and i have only seen her 3 or 4 times, cant remember which. my alters have been talking in my head for quite a while now. it has been driving me up a wall. all the chatter all the time. i also hear other voices. some are demonic voices. my tdoc has told me she believes they are other alter who have not fully come out yet. my tdoc wanted me to try and talk with specifically waylon since he is the one who gives me trouble. suddenly,

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CricketBoots

Hello

hello everyone. i am sorry i have not been on lately to try and support you guys in some small way. i have not been doing so well myself. i am in the transition phase to a new pdoc and tdoc. so, everything is kinda upside down right now. im scared of this change in docs too, but it is a change i think i really need. im glad you all are still here and i think i see some new people too (or at least people i havent seen before). anyway, i just wanted to say hi. take care, k? (((((((hugs to all))))

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Drugs / Alcohol! Help?

i am at a very low point now.......the lowest i have been in a while now. i do not know where to turn. to use drugs and alcohol is becoming an overwhelming temptation for me again. i have been told many time that because of my mental health issues, i am susceptible to use drugs and / or alcohol in order to self-medicate. i have done this in the past but it has been a long time ago. the last time i used i overdosed and ended up in the ER, the hospital then the psych ward. i know drugs and alcohol

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CricketBoots

Panic Attack At Christmas Lunch And Afterwards

my mother-in-law and i went to her sister's house for christmas lunch today instead of yesterday. there were a lot of people there. my anxiety shot through the roof and i had three panic attacks. i stayed to myself most of the time. i know everyone thought i was being a jerk not socializing (not everyone there knows about my illnesses). i had a panic attack during lunch and 2 afterwards. i panicked when we ate because they put me in the center of the table with people on both sides of me where i

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CricketBoots

Darkness

i am fearful. what am i capable of doing to myself? the urge to sh is great. i am depressed, sad, anxious, worried, stressed beyond belief. i want to scream; scream to God asking why he makes me to live. i do not deserve life. i do not deserve anything. i am worthless. i am scum. i am lonely. PAIN! why won’t it go away? it hurts my soul. my soul screams. it wants to flee this pitiful body. i close my eyes and i see the darkness. it wants to engulf me. i welcome it. i am not afraid of the darknes

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Today Is A Better Day

many of you may know i have a severe sleeping problem, maybe you dont know. sometimes i go for days without sleep, especially if i go manic. to the point where i start hallucinating. im not sure what has changed lately but for the past several nights i have slept really well. i am very appreciative of that. i am feeling better now. my depression seems to have lifted for the most part. i am on pins and needles though because i dont know how long it will last. i think i feel anxiety beginning to b

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CricketBoots

Wife's Resting Place

i thought i might find some solace in visiting my wife's resting place today. it made me feel even more depressed and sad. i couldnt even stay long. i had to leave. i dont know what to do to pull myself out of this pit. it seems everytime it comes over me it gets worse than the last time. how much worse can it get? hell, im already eating dirt now. nothing seems to be important to me anymore. i had hopes that things were beginning to look up for me. then yesterday it all went haywire again. what

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Depression Hit Hard **** Trigger ****

it has a fallen apart tonight. i dont care if i live or not. i was fine this afternoon. then within an hour the depression hit hard. i could even feel it coming. a sense of doom. it has been that way many, many times in the past. i have thought about my life a little tonight. my life is pathetic. i have nothing to live for really, no friends, no family who cares for me, no one. no one wants to be my friend here where i live because they all know i have mental health issues. whats the point reall

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