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Feeling Really Depressed

I am feeling really depressed. No energy to do simple things. I saw my therapist a few days ago and we came up with a plan but now it all seems impossible and a waste of time. I went for a long walk yesterday and afterwards I felt really depressed. I am supposed to feel better but somehow I am feeling worse. Everything in my life seems out of control. I am wondering when all of this will end and I can have some real peace of mind.

duck

duck

No Motivation

Another day ahead in this pathetic world. I slept most of Tuesday and woke up at 2 am full of energy. This is not going well. Earlier in the evening a friend called me to meet him for coffee but I had to turn him down because I was do tired. This Friday I have an appointment with my psychologist however, I am thinking of cancelling it because I did not do any of the tasks and I am not on the same page with him. He is a good guy but I think I am way too ill to be going for therapy right now. N

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duck

Nothing Accomplished

I have been off work now for nine months and I feel as if I have accomplished nothing. I am still not sleeping well and I am not able to stick to a schedule. I am currently up right now at 4 am because I slept all day yesterday. I guess the one thing that has changed is I do not ruminate as much. I seem to have it under control even though my friends say i am the same as I was a year ago. They also tell me I am stuck in a rut and I need to get out. My social life is very limited. I have two

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duck

Jan 19 2015

i have been on Abilify now for two months. i think i am feeling better but who knows this could be temporary. i am seeing my psychiatrist twice a month and he now says i am bi polar. i have to agree with him because i get mood swings or at least i used to have severe mood swings prior to taking Abilify. I am having nightmares every single night. This is making me sick and I hate it. I wish if it would go away and I could have a good night's sleep. I have been home now for nine months and

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duck

Snow Storm

we are having sort of a snow storm. it has been snowing since last night and it will end later tomorrow then temperatures will plunge way below the freezing mark. i shoveled some snow today there is still more to do. i wanted to cancel my therapist appointment but i felt bad so i asked him to change it to a later time. i am still taking the abilify. i found it to keep me awake all day. i am only sleeping fours a night which is not good.

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duck

Started Abilify

I started Abilify on November 20th. I am taking the lowest dosage 2mg when I wake up for the day which could be as late as 2pm. My psychiatrist told me to break it and take half for the first week but the pharmacist says it is coated and it cannot be broken or chewed. This is supposed to help me with my mood swings and severe anger at the world. I am currently on Cipralex, Klopin/Rivotril, and Seroquil. rainingviolets, I cannot throw things. My arms are too weak. (smile). I will keep you

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duck

Another Day

Tomorrow I am seeing my psychiatrist. I have not been getting better since I started this treatment program six months ago. I think my problems are real and I had to deal with difficult people over the past six years. He has been saying I should be on Abilify along with Cipralex. My friends an relatives are worried about me. According to them I am the same depressed person. Nothing has changed. My psychologist has not being able to help me. He wants me to do Thought Records but I am not

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duck

Mmpi Test

I saw my therapist last Friday and he had me do the MMPI test. I have been seeing this therapist since June and I think he was misled by the Rapid Assessment psychiatrist I saw last April who stated I needed CBT. So far CBT and the workbook Mind Over Mood has not worked. My therapist decided we should start over from scratch by doing this test. He said we will get a clearer understanding of how to go forward from here. Of course I am paying for the test $60 and visit $140. Total $200.The p

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duck

Where Should I Live?

I was in Toronto for the past two weeks and I had some good time because many of my friends and family live there. This has been my third trip since July. I would like to move from my current home town Edmonton to Toronto for at least one year. It will be different for me and I will be with people who love me. In Edmonton I currently have only two friends and I cannot rely on them for anything concrete. They are good to talk to but I cannot get them to support my dreams and my goals such as st

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duck

Bad Few Days

1- I had a bad cup of coffee a few days ago which made me stay awake all Thursday night. That threw my sleep off and I was so exhausted I was unable to do any of my chores. I was trying to be nice to the barista so I did not request decaf which turned out to be a huge mistake. I slept most of Friday and all Saturday. Now it is 2 am Sunday morning and I am wide awake. 2- I had a blood test which was long over due for my cholesterol, sugar, etc, because of the medication I am taking. The

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duck

Feeling Guilty

I am just remembering how I failed to take good care of my late dad. I was so stressed and becoming more and more depressed every day. I was so weak. I wanted to hire an aid worker to care for him but my sisters did not believe there any good help out there. They wanted to do everything and that caused tension between us. It's all too late now. I cannot change the past and I do not know if I can live with it. I am feeling guilty about it. I should have tried harder but the more I tried the

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duck

Short Pay Std

I received my final Short Term Deposit from my insurance on Friday September 12, and it is short $180. DUH!!! I just faxed a letter to them explaining the situation. I was very anxious about informing them because I think they might think I am not really depressed if I am so smart to write letters to them or notice mistakes. AWWWW......I just did it. I hate all of them anyways. I was forced to pay one hundred percent of the insurance premiums and now I have to fight to get help. I am anxio

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duck

Friday Cont'd

My family doctor called so I went to see him assuming he had received some forms recently from my insurance company. Well it turns out he received these forms since July 31st. That's six weeks ago and now he has gotten around to doing it. I should point out he was on vacation for a few weeks in August. I went to see my psychologist. He is helping me with "Thought Record" I am having difficulty doing this exercise from the work book 'Mind Over Mood' because the book is designed to help people w

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duck

Friday Big Day

My family doctor called. He received another form from my insurance company. I prepared all the information he may need. Last month my psychiatrist fill out insurance forms stating all the medications I am taking and I needed another four months off work now again my insurance wants this information from my family doctor. What a bunch of crooks. Then I have an appoint with my psychologist. I am stuck on Thought Records in the book Mind Over Mood. I will get him to help me. My concentration

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duck

Another Telephone Interview With My Insurance

Received a letter from my insurance stating they did not received LTD forms from me. After a brief phone call they said the did receive the paper work and a different case manager will call me withing the next ten days to interview me. They just want us to give up and go back to work. I cannot blame the insurance company. They are in business to make money. It's the system we have in place that needs changing but then people cheat so I guess I will have to put up with it.

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duck

Short Term Disability Ending

So my Short Term Disability is ending next week then I will be on Long Term Disability. My insurance company wants to know how long before I feel better. Duh! My doctors told them at least four more months. I told them at least two more months. I should have said I don't know but she wanted a clear answer and I said two. I guess I should stop worrying about these things and just try to get well. I went to Toronto last week and had fun. This was my second trip this summer. Every time I le

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duck

Burnt Out

I am burnt out with all the problems I am having with the union and insurance company. I was so tired I slept all evening and I missed my Thursday visit at Starbucks. There is a nice lady who works every Thursday and it helps me just talking to her. I am not expecting anything but just talking to people I like helps me. Friday is my third appointment with my new therapist. So far so good.

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duck

Got My Second Cheque

Got my second cheque from my insurance for my disability. I went for a walk on this main street we call Whyte Avenue. It was busy with lots of women and men and dogs. I like being out there because it distracts me from my depression. Always good to meet new people.

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duck

Just Finished Writing

I just finished writing a 24 page letter to my union explaining my disability claim issues. This is taking a toll on me and making my depression worse. I hope my go-for-nothing union can resolve this quickly. The union is so dumb they told me I can claim money from the government's employment program. I already know this because every employee is forced to pay into this fund called Employment Insurance. The time limit for that is 30 days and that's already gone. The issue here is my union is

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duck

I Did Something Tough Today

I told me friend he has to take the bus/train home. We met for coffee at Starbucks. I usually give him a ride home because he does not have a car but Saturday night I told him I am too tired to drive him home. We live in opposite directions. He has been a good friend to me for many, many years but recently he seems to be taking advantage of me. He does not want to pay for his meals and he is too lazy to find a job. There is nothing wrong with him. He is not sick like we are. He does not have de

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duck

More Stressed Out!!!!

I found a new psychologist. I met him a few times during my work. I did know know he was a psychologist until I found him on the internet. He seems like a nice guy. BAD NEWS: my insurance does not cover psychologists visits even though my psychiatrist wrote it in his letter to them on my claim. MORE BAD NEWS: my claim still approved or disapproved as yet. GGGGRRRRRRRrrrrrrr.....

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duck

June 5 .......stressed Out

I am totally STRESSED OUT. My insurance still has not made a decision whether to pay me or not so I am without any income still. They also refused to pay for my psychologists visits which my psychiatrist recommended in his letter to them. I had a horrible day on June 3 and June 4. Totally exhausted and stressed out. My mind racing all the time. I am getting worse because of this insurance headache.

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duck

Friday May 30

I called my workplace insurance today. They still have not made a decision whether to pay me or not. I applied four weeks ago and still no decision. Back on May 5th, I submitted a very strong letter from my psychiatrist stating that I am severely depressed and I am suffering from Major Depressive Disorder and I need four months off along with twelve to fourteen sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy. He also stated the medications he placed me on. This is ridiculous. I am forced to pay the

duck

duck

Sunday May 25

I spent the whole day indoors. It was raining all day. I watched the Indy 500 car race and I was able to maintain my concentration for the most part. This is an improvement from last year. Yesterday I went to my cousins BAR-B-Q. I was nervous about going because of differences between my sisters and my cousin but I decided I needed to attend. I had a good time. I am trying to improve my sleeping habits. I need to go to bed the same time every night and wake up the at a reasonable time every mor

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duck

Feeling Down

I woke up feeling good today now three hours later I am feeling down and exhausted. I was thinking to go to Zumba class but now I don't even want to leave the house. I just want to go back to sleep. Maybe sleep forever. It's a sunny day after a very long winter and I am inside. Duh!!!!

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duck

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