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About this blog

me i guess

Entries in this blog

Could This Be Real??

So this last week or so has been interesting for the first time since before I was 7 I think I've felt happy genuinely happy I feel so much lighter and have actually been excited for what's to come I have nobody around me who is trying to hurt me anymore.....I have people around me who believe in what I can do. I feel like I'm finally making choices with what I want to do......and for the first time I'm not doing thing people tell me to do I am doing them because I want.to do them. I will not be

Nataya

Nataya

So This Just Happened

Soo this week has been a good week for me I've felt positive about the future and what's to come!! I applied for university on Saturday and was accepted today!! It's Wednesday!! I want.to be a kindergarten teacher:) wow I never thought I'd see the day I would go to uni!!! I'm still fragile but in also excited I haven't feet that for my life every!! I'm scared it will come crashing down but I'll hold onto it for now!!!

Nataya

Nataya

When Is Enough, Enough

Seriously when will people understand that sometimes enough is just enough and there is just no more that you can take When will people understand taking your own life is not as horrible as everyone seems to think it is, what's horrible is making people suffer through this life just because you think they should. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore so many people have lasted so much longer in this life than but I just don't know how I'm ment to live for another 10year 20year if n

Nataya

Nataya

Nobody Cares, So Why Bother

I am feeling defeated and don't know how much longer I can fight for I'm so tied, I know I have been here before and have come out feeling better but it just keeps coming back and back again....it's doesn't get easier as they say it's all a bunch of bulls*** and I no longer trust anyone.....I'm falling apart and fast.....I have no one left I'm so alone and don't know how to get through again

Nataya

Nataya

It's Been Awhile!

I have still been reading and wish I had the words to comfort other but I just feel anything I say will be worthless so I keep my mouth shut. I'm struggling quiet bad this week more than i have in awhile... I really miss my ex boyfriend and can't help but think about what a huge mistake I have made in breaking up with him, I was silly and started listing to those around me and let them get into my head. But I know I can not go back he has moved on with his life now and has a new girlfriend so I

Nataya

Nataya

Dear Fellow Bloggers

I read everyone's blog but comment little. I am always afraid my words aren't wanted or needed. Then I don't know what to say. But I just want you to know I think of you all yes some more than others but I care for each of you and always wish the best. Know I am reading in silence and on your side.

Nataya

Nataya

Intensive Dbt Program

Today I meet my psychologists for the next year while I do an intensive small group of dbt. It has a weekly meeting plus an hr appointment with my psychologists on different days. The also encourage you to call anytime you need support.witch I will have to learn as I find that very hard..... So it looks like a lot of hard work ahead but I am praying it's for the best.

Nataya

Nataya

Now What

Now what am I ment to do......I wasn't ment to make it past April and into may..... I don't know where to go from here....... I have a discharge appointment with the psychiatrist next week, this is the lady who placed me under a 24hr form. I'm so scared to go!!! I feel deserted.by everyone and feel I can no longer say the truth....it hurts....I'm sad......

Nataya

Nataya

Home

I am home again now I spent 6 days in hospital one day locked ward. My friend. Is staying with me tonight. She has done so much for me. She bought me cloths because my ones had cords and that wasn't aloud, so I had to wear a bad horrible nighty till she arrived with something I was so lucky she was aloud to visit. All I did in hospital was sleep and then go to my friends for dinner. Her and her daughter even visited me to pass time. I am so lucky to have such a beautiful friend. And now I can h

Nataya

Nataya

Locked Word

So Friday I went to an appointment with my case manager.......I ended up in the locked ward of a mental health unit. I had to stay overnight. I'm off the locked ward and on the open ward as voluntary but if I don't return after the time I'm told I'll be classes as a missing person. Get that. At least I can go home a bit now. Wow I'm tied.

Nataya

Nataya

Simple Things

Taking time to remember the little thing at a time like this...it is raining outside I have several candles burning sitting down to a movie and hot chocolate with my kitty cats. Still waiting for the end of April but I have a tiny bit of hope that was lost for awhile.

Nataya

Nataya

End Of April

All I am doing is waiting until the end of April. I've just come home from seeing my peer support worker and she is trying to get me to see my future and what I can do with myself. I can't see past the end of April. I don't know what I am to do anymore I've lost all my motivation for life.....I can't say to much to anyone or you will be stopped. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore I'm just floating by in this life drifting like a price of rubbish in the wind.

Nataya

Nataya

Loosing Faith

I am loosing faith in not only myself but also my team who are looking after me. I feel I can not tell them anything without some sort of problem occurring weather it be them having to tell somebody else what I said or if they told me they wouldn't do something then changing there minds and having to do something about it. So I have learnt to keep my mouth semi shut I know how far I can go in my talk, I mean I am still learning how much I can say but at least I am learning I guess. It's just fru

Nataya

Nataya

Trying To Get Support

I am trying to get support for how I feel right now but I also need to be careful of what information I give out as if I say to much action will be taken. I don't want to be stopped I just want to talk about it so maybe I can I don't even know what I want from talking about it. I am not at risk right now as I still need to collect a few things but soon I will be completely ready for this to come.

Nataya

Nataya

Getting Better Or Getting Worse

I can decide what's hopping to me right now......on one hand I am realising a lot of things and beginning to learn to understand things a bit better with in myself so that's the part of me that thinks I am doing better But on the other hand I am planning my suicide and not sure when the end will come yet but I am collecting and gathering stock. I don't feel I will use it anytime soon but I also feel like it's going to be a sudden decision one day as well. I'm tied all the time and have been slee

Nataya

Nataya

Trying

We are trying to deal with this huge change of our break up with P. We are to scared to find new friendships or to trust people all it leads to is getting burnt. We are always so tied, but never seem to be able to sleep. Everyrhing we do feels like everyrhing is against us. We really don't feel like we are meant to be alive everything is such a fight and so hard. We just want to give up.

Nataya

Nataya

Finding It Hard

Finding it hard to find motivation for life. I don't know why I am still living everyday is another day we are pathetic human. I'm working with my team but I'm scared to tell them how I feel they all think I'm doing so well. I gave my blades to my cm for the week, now I think it was a silly idea I can always get more but that means leaving the house. We just can't win.

Nataya

Nataya

Trigger Warning. Sh

So today I pulled out my trusty blades they made me feel better than I have in a long time. I had a small od on my orlanzapine I just wanted to sleep it was 430 in the morning. I just slept it off I feel like I'm falling and my cm is away till march. I have a replacement but it's not the same. I'm tied and alone it's hard going and sometimes I miss P so much but everyone keeps telling me I need to be kind to myself as I just left an emotional abusive relationship.......I still don't know if I be

Nataya

Nataya

All Alone

Im all alone i dont know how to deal with it at all. I have my cats but i still feel so alone. Im going to be alone for christmad just me and my cats. I feel like i need people but yet i can not go an connect with people i find it so hard and intimidating. Im trying to stay positive but its hard. I feel i have nothing left to live for P was my everything.

Nataya

Nataya

Relationship Break Down

I think i finally broke up with P after 6 and a half years. I didnt want to do it over the phone, but he asked me whay i had been thinking about us and i told him the truth that i think we should break up. I feel numb to it really and i am not sure if it is real or not or how long this will last. I really am alone now, i have one friend and she was encouraging me to break up with P. I dont even have tears or maybe they are to come yet once it sinks in. I already feel guiltu for doing it over th

Nataya

Nataya

Worthless

I am a worthless and hopeless human. I deserve all the bad i get. I deserve no good. I shouldnt be alive. But if im dead everything will come out. I know if im dead i wont have to deal with it but still. Im trying my best to put on a brave face. I need to make a choice and its so hard that i cant make on. Time is running out.

Nataya

Nataya

Can`t Shake It

I can not shake the feeling i am a bad person and let me explain why.... I am doing a bad thing, i know its wrong and going to hurt people but i can not stop it. I feel i have no control. I need to gain control. My psychologist is leaving next week and will be a few weeks before i get a new one. I dont deal well with people leaving me. Its monday but so far this week is better than last week was for example today i stayed awake after i woke up i didnt go back to sleep for the rest if the day unt

Nataya

Nataya

Had A Shower

I finally had a shower...it had been over 7 days without a shower, im not sure how many days over 7 it is as i just can not remeber the last time i had a shower.... Other than that ive been sleeping most days till late afternoon and wake up in time for work if i have work. I dont think im copeing to well right now But i dont know how to stop what im doing altho i know its wrong for me, and i know it wont help me. Im scared to tell anyone from my team because they will be dissapointed in me or i

Nataya

Nataya

Trying To Stay Aflot

Im struggling to live and find worth in my life. My anxiey is high again. Im so tied its so hard to stay in control and stay as me. I am such a bad person. I do bad things Im sorry for the hurt ive caused.

Nataya

Nataya

Blah....

So i feel like my life is falling apart I dont know how to stop it or what i am ment to do. I feel like im from a different planet and will never fit in I feel like im not made for life and dont Understand why i am living and for how much longer i will be living for......

Nataya

Nataya

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