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About this blog

tears and confusion

Entries in this blog

It's Been A Long Time.....

Well, hello everyone. It's certainly been a long time since I last posted on here (October 2012 to be precise). To all my friends who I've grown to know and love on here, I'm so sorry for being so tardy and not keeping in touch more. Ok, well, how's things? Not good. I've been doing really well, getting good at my job (I'm a web and IT developer for a gift company), things were going ok at home, was paying down debt, and getting ready to make plans. Then, waddayaknow? BAM! TIMES THREE! BAM! one

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Been A While.

Hello everybody. It's been a while since I last blogged about how I was doing, so I thought I'd let my friends and fellow bloggers/bloggettes(?) know how I'm doing and what I'm up to. Well, I'm doing pretty ok at present. I don't want to tempt fate/put a hex/jinx/curse on things, but between the medication and the techniques I've been given during therapy (thought diaries, challenges, mindfulness) I've come to terms with my illness, and am really making good strides. I'm exercising daily, and ha

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Hello Everyone

Well, it's been a while, so I thought I'd catch up my friends and those interested on how I'm doing at present. I'm doing (and I really don't want to tempt fate on this... but here goes).... pretty well! My new anti-d (Cymbalta - duloxetine), after a rough start, has definitely hit the spot. I'm only angry I wasn't put on it sooner?! (Cost implications to the NHS no doubt) I've not been as upbeat and anxiety-free for ... well, for this year at least. The difference is definitely noticeable. Put

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Rough Seas And Smooth Sailing

Hello everyone, It's been a while since I've actually posted to my blog, but I've been keeping up with everyone's progress or setbacks. Those who have followed will know that I've started on a new Anti-D, Cymbalta (duloxetine). After a very VERY rough begninning, I've been back to my GP and have been given a smaller dose to be taken twice daily, rather than the one HUGE tablet in the morning. I've also been prescribed something called domperidone, which is used to keep my stomach from being over

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Whoaahhhh

Well - re-started on the Cymbalta today. I'm on 2 x 30 mg, with 3 x domperidone to assist my fragile stomach during the settling-in phase. So far, no cramps, have managed a full day at work too. A little spacey and tripped out at times, but it's been manageable. I'll HAVE to eat before I take them. Learned that lesson last week! Keep going...

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Washout Weekend

Have had to stop taking my new anti-depressant (Cymbalta). It's really disagreed with my stomach. Been in bed from friday-sunday couldn't eat anything, had huge stomach pains, bloating, cramps. I'm really disappointed. I so wanted to be able to start taking them crossing-over with my other AD tablet (Trazodone) but the side effects were unbearable. Am really down with it. Setbacks are the last thing I need right now. Back to crying at my desk with my head down. Am at the doctors this evening to

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New Meds And New Issues On Top...

Been a while since I posted on here. I'm not doing very good at present. I've started taking my new AD - it's Cymbalta (duloxetine). I've started on 60mg per day, to be taken in the mornings. I've been told my the doctor to stop taking the Trazodone and to just take this instead. I don't think this is right. I was really hoping for something positive (I know that won't happen in the first 2 days) - but I've had the opposite reaction. I feel totally dazed and can't concentrate on much, and I'm g

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Scattered On Mondays

God I hate Mondays. The two days of peace and relative calm seem to do little to quell my anxiety about Mondays. I got myself really worked up this morning for no good reason. What a waste of energy. I've been off the valium for 2 weeks now pretty much cold turkey - and boy it's not easy. It was all too easy to reach for it when I needed it. But I've made my decision, I'm only going to take those meds which I absolutely NEED (ones for my IBS and ones for my blood pressure, as well as my new anti

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Verse

Been a while since my last blog so I thought I'd put it in some verse. Gives me something to concentrate on. TUNNEL Halfway through, halfway there, Chokes behind, in front the clear air. I move through the funnel I don't stop, I daren't wait More intrusion, more delusion Happiness my own illusion So tired of chasing some inevitable fate. I start to falter, just a waiver, see an old face, need a favour? Then the pain begins anew diluting all I thought I knew. The air is clearer for a while now. M

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A Long Week.

Well, I've got to the end of what's been a pretty tough week at work. My days have been long, and pretty much every moment has been fraught with the A-bomb. Wish I could defuse it, but that's gonna take a while. I've been trying to not take any Diazepam (Xanax) as I need to stop for my CBT to work. Am pretty sure I'm in withdrawal from it, as I've been on it for a few months now. It's been really tough, as I've kinda needed it as there's nothing else that's quitened down my monstrous thoughts. I

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Post-Therapy... Thoughts.

Well, 2 days of upheaval and quite a lot of trauma, and I've got some things to start planning for. MEDICATION - going on to a new anti-d, taking me off beta blockers and the valium/Xanax/diazepam unless an emergency. HEALTH - got to get some weight off. Going to try swimming when my anxiety subsides after last weeks relapse. And I'm still doing my power walks at lunchtime (shaved a couple of minutes of my time today - yay for me ). FINANCES - have started budgeting properly, so that I don't ju

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:-(

I've not blogged for a few days, so thought I'd keep myself and the few who read posted. Got bullied at work last friday, made me so ill I had to leave and go home. Told my bosses but I don't think they give a s*** tbh. Had a difficult weekend, because of the bullying - it flared up my IBS so I was in a lot of physical pain. FINALLY saw a pdoc this morning about my meds and everything else. I couldn't control it and burst into tears the minute I walked in there. Gave my story (bullied at school,

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Nothing Much New To Say.. But I'm Gonna Say It Anyway.

Well, it's been basically 4 days of hell so far. Since Monday, I've not been able to control my anxiety or subsequent tears at work, which is both embarrassing and worrying, considering we're all on short time and there's the threat of unemployment. I've decided to write down a 'Rubbish List' - basically, everything that's getting to me and making me feel anxious. ***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS**** 1. Health - I've got a family with health problems. Sister with Lupus, father with COPD, mother needing oper

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Difficulties

Yeah, it was only a matter of time before the peace ended. Back at work, now 5pm, gotta get into my car at 5:30 to drive home and I'm completely freaked. My anxiety won't calm down even with a diazepam. Tears of fear/shame/whatever it is are running down my face as I hide behind my screen so that my colleague can't see me. I truly despise crying these days. It used to help, get things out of my system. Now, it's like it is some sort of punishment, I'm sure of it. I've had a complicated day, I've

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Great Start To The Week

Well, it's 10am GMT monday morning, and I've had to take a diazepam already. Monday mornings are usually pretty bad, but this one is up there with the worst of them. Had a PA at about 3am this morning so I've not slept much, and am pretty much just sat trying to work but welling up with tears every 5 minutes. As I've been trying to step down from the valium, the effect has been much stronger so I now feel very spaced out - but not in a good way whatsoever. I really do hate this sometimes. I'm s

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Struggle

I try to keep upbeat, and stay strong and positive. I do everything asked of me to the best of my abilities. But I feel like things are slipping away from me. I can't seem to concentrate much at present. I keep having to ask questions or help from people at work, and I'm sure they're getting fed up with it. When the anxiety hits, it's pretty much uncontrollable, and very distressing, especially in a stressful work environment. I'm so tired of living in fear of everything. I'm just tired generall

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Stormy Monday

Bad day. Anxiety-ridden from eyes open. No meds seem to be touching it today. It's like I'm firing pills at a castle wall. Just gonna finish work, go home and go to bed, count this one off. Wonder how many more days I have to write off as bad days. I'd like a few more good days if that's ok?

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A Little More Disappointment

Well, not good at the therapists. THE STUPID CPN HADN'T EVEN SPOKEN TO MY THERAPIST BECAUSE "I'VE MISSED THEIR PHONE CALLS" So, I'm no further forward. I may as well have not bothered with the CPN visit last week and just held on until 16th July, which I'm now going to have to do anyway. The dilemma is this - the therapist won't treat my panic disorder as she feels I'm on too many meds and they'll not enable me to induce a panic attack in session (which to me is pretty crappy and proper scary).

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Here We Go.... Again.... Again.

Well, I'm off to see my therapist in about an hour - p l e a s e let there be some progress in terms of who by and how I'm going to be treated.. this confusion amongst my doctors and MH workers is getting me down. Just some clear guidance would really help, as I feel pretty Haven't felt quite as bad as I did yesterday - exercise really does seem to be helping me. I've been out walking on my lunch ½hour, and I've finally managed to do a 'lap' near my workplace. I got really scared when I went out

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A Not Very Good Day

Well, Monday rears it's ugly head once again. A weekend of rest - which didn't pan out that way at all, totally couldn't sleep. Back at work, tears are back, dark thoughts abide today. REALLY anxious, can't seem to get a handle on it. Difficult to concentrate when it's like this. I could quite happily just curl up in a ball and cry. But I keep going. I keep trying because I want another day of happiness, where I can laugh without feeling like someone's telling me 'you're supposed to laugh now Ma

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More Disppointments

They've announced at work that there's going to be redundancies, due to lack of orders. People may have to start 4 day weeks. Guess who's going to be picked first? Yeah, they'll get rid of that daft Mark, he's had time off and he's not really right in the head. Even though he's absolutely buried himself for the company for 6 years. Thanks life... I really needed that pick me up. I really needed to have more financial pressure put on me than I'm already under. I really needed the pendulum axe swi

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Not So Much Of A Bang As A Pop

Well... Thursday arrived. Those of you who've been reading will know that I had my initial psych assessment today. I've been really REALLY R E A L L Y anxious about it, especially this morning, couldn't concentrate on work really. Anyway, after a 90-minute consultation it's been ajudged that I have mild to moderate depression, combined with moderate to severe anxiety. Which I knew already, but was relieving to have it affirmed (if 'relieving' is the right word). The CPN I saw is also going to ge

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Scared For Tomorrow.

Well, my psych assessment has finally come round - and to be honest, I'm terrified of it, even though I'm relieved it's here (been like pulling myself along by my fingernails) I've been struggling all this time, and am gradually accepting that there's something disorderly about me mentally. I'm working with my therapist on my panic and anxiety issues (though this is kind of on hold untily I get this review done). I'm remaining optimistic, though I do have my dark hours (which we ALL here know ho

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Disappointed

So - I didn't get to see the Olympic Torch - drove to try and see it - 17000 people turned out to see it pass through my town. Had a total panic, drove home with floods of tears. Could barely manage a walk on Sunday night - got out the house, panicked almost instantly, totally scared. Got pretty far on my walk at lunchtime - bumped into an old boss from my last job (which I got fired from) - really uncomfortable. Am bouncing from happiness to sadness at the flick of a switch today. It's overwhel

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Weekend Is Upon Me

Well folks - I've got through another week. Handkerchiefs are wet with tears and runny nose (due to tears), my car door is dented, my chair at home is broken. But all is not lost. Those that follow the posts here know that I had a bad episode on Wednesday, my anger went through the roof without a trigger and it R E A L L Y scared me. Ended up at hospital seeing a Clinical Psychiatric Nurse. They were very calming, reassuring me that I WAS trying, and that I am contributing to society. Then hoppe

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