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Up,Down And All Around

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Unhappy

********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** Warning self harm mentioned   I feel lost and lonely. I want to find my way in this world but I just can`t seem to. I know I have it better than some people and I`m really grateful for that. I just wish I had the things that normal people have. I feel this illness has stolen my chances for those things. T

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Life Is Very Long When You`re Lonely

I had a nice Thanksgiving dinner with my family. I love them very much and I`m so grateful to have them. Saying that I couldn`t help but feeling lonely.You see both of my sisters are married and have children. I have none of those thing. Not a partner or children. I couldn`t help but feel alone. But It`s my fault I`m alone. I never put myself out there because of fear of rejection and fear of being hurt. Also I`ve never felt good enough for anybody. I know I don`t need someone else to make me fe

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

My Old Friend

I am a nobody not that I ever wanted to be a somebody.All I ever really wanted out of life is to content,safe and comfortable.But  instead I am afraid.I am afraid of everything.I`m tired of being afraid.I`m tired of struggling everyday and worrying about everything.I want a life and sometimes I even want someone to love.But time is passing by everyday and those things seem way out of reach for me.Who would want someone like me anyway? Sometimes I really want to go to my old coping method.Yo

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Anxiety

There has been a lot of stress in my life lately.It`s my Mom that`s really been suffering,She recently had surgery.Her surgery went well and she is healing well physically.It seemed after the surgery she developed insomnia.We  and her doctor think that her insomnia has caused her to have really bad anxiety.She is really going through a really tough time right now.I feel absolutely helpless because there is nothing I can do to ease her suffering.I`ve never seen my Mom like this and it really scar

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

I`m Not Happy And I`m Not Sad

I feel really exhausted tonight but I don`t know why.All I did today was go to the pdoc.He asked me how I was doing today and I said I was okay like I always do.He then asked me if I was really okay or if I was still depressed.I said yes that I was still depressed.He said I can tell you look down.He also told me I looked lifeless.That`s really the way I feel a great deal of the time.Like I`ve said before on these forums.I feel blank,empty and numb.Sometimes I can`t describe how I feel.It`s like

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Really Living ?

Living in this state is hard.I sometimes feel like I`m dead inside.I really don`t feel alive.I am this empty shell that just exists and just takes up space.What kind of person was I before this?Sometimes I can`t even remember what kind of person I was before.I wonder why I was put on this planet.What am I meant to do?I just feel so worthless sometimes. I am grateful for the things I do have.I just wish I could enjoy things more.Even things that used to make me happy don`t seem to anymore.I

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Illness

I`ve been living this way for a long time now.When I say this way I mean being mentally ill.It makes me feel awful to have to say"mentally ill". I don`t think anyone would want to describe themselves that way.But I guess it`s true.When I was a little kid I never imagined myself being this way when I grew up. The p doc put me on a new med and it`s making me very tired and it makes me just want to lay in bed. I already had that problem but this med is making me feel worse.They gave me a start

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Emptiness

That`s how I feel inside.There`s just emptiness,nothing inside of me.I`ve been going through this for years.The depression is the worst.When I am going through depression it feels so hopeless like it will never ever get better.I`m finding it more and more difficult to try to hold it inside.I know it`s not good to hold things inside and let them fester but I`m not good at talking to other people.The best I can do is write it down.So here I am. I used to cut or burn myself in order to feel be

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Lost In The Dark

That`s how I feel a great deal of the time.I am just so depressed right now.I don`t know what else to do to make it go away.My head is filled with darkness.I want to let the light in but I don`t know how.I`ve taken/take the meds and I`ve read tons of books about my disorder but nothing seems to help.I`m always just so tired.In the morning I don`t want to get of bed ,in the evening my anxiety starts up.When I my head down to rest at night all these anxious thoughts fill up my head.I see my pdoc n

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

All Of This

I`m sitting here thinking about how to start this.Since I last wrote my pdoc added an anti depressant to my cocktail of latuda,abilify and alprazolam.I haven`t really noticed any change yet but I`ve heard it can take up tp 4 to 6 weeks.The ad he added was wellbutrin. I try to keep things locked up inside of me and I do know that it isn`t good to do that.I believe that`s why I used to self harm so much.Lately I`ve been hearing it calling me again.I have to be honest.....sometimes I want to give

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Hurt (May Trigger Self Injury)

***********************May Be Triggering Self Injury******************************************************* This depression is really kicking me down right now.I try to hold it together,I keep everything inside but God do I feel like giving up sometimes.My p doc upped my Abilify and I also take latuda and alprazolam for my anxiety.I just feel tired and feel like I need some relief.I don`t know what else I can do to cope.I used to use self injury as a coping mechanism.But I haven`t cut or burne

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Still Ill

I haven`t been to bed yet and it`s a little after 3:00 in the morning here.Just didn`t feel like going to bed last night.I don`t know if it`s a good or bad thing.I used to be like that all the time.I used to only sleep every other day.I just couldn`t sleep.Yesterday I had a hard time getting out of bed.All this gets to be very exhausting.Lately though my sleeping patterns have been better.I mostly sleep every day now.Which is good and normal.I don`t want to slip back into old sleeping patterns.

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Too Much

Well it`s sunday.I `ve had a pretty nice week.Most of it was nice until I started to feel bad again.I mostly start to feel bad around the evening.I don`t know why.It`s odd to me because I used to be such a night owl.Now on my bad days I just can`t wait to get to bed.I feel so awful that I just want to sleep so I don`t have to feel bad anymore.My head either feels empty or it feels crowded and full of things to worry about.I would like to feel peaceful one day.This feels like too much sometimes.

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Scared To Go On Lithium

I saw the p doc today.Which was really hard in the first place because I always get nervous when I have to see him.It`s not because of him or anything (he`s really nice). It`s because of my I really get nervous when I have to talk to other people and leave the house. Well anyway we discussed my not sleeping and anxiety.He tells me he wants me to try lithium. I `m really scared to try it after what I`ve been reading. I was once diagnosed as bipolar now diagnosed as 2.He tells me this might help

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Not Feeling Well

I`m tired so tired but I can`t sleep.I`m feeling horribly anxious right now.All I want right now is to go to sleep and make these horrible feelings go away.I have the incredible urge to self harm right now.I`m trying to fight it.It`s the only way to get relief.I can`t though.I can`t hurt myself tonight but I just want these feelings to go away.All I want to do is feel better.Why does this have to happen? I want to cry right now.I`m just so tired of being ill.

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Cuts You Up

I don`t know how to start this. I haven`t been doing so well.I have no energy and no motivation.Simple everyday tasks seem to take enormous effort.I don`t know what to do.I end up hiding away in my bedroom I had this heavy weight on my chest.It was my anxiety.I needed relief from my anxiety and all of the thoughts running through this messed up head of mine.I ended resorting to what I always do when things beome overwhelming for me.I hurt myself.Yes it felt better to have that release but shor

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

I Just Wanted To Feel Better

I feel so tired and drained this morning after not sleeping again.I had a really bad night and ended up si ing.I`ve been really trying not to even though the urges I felt were so strong, I just wanted the thoughts to stop so I could get some rest.I just wanted to feel better.

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

What It Feels Like For Me

I suffer from insomnia.I think I`ve said that before.Sometimes though I don`t feel like going to bed.I want to stay up all night.I know I need to sleep but I don`t want to,need to.I suppose that goes hand in hand with this illness.Other times I don`t want to leave my bed.It feels like my best friend.Sleepytime is the only time I don`t have this crap rolling over and over in head.It just won`t let me rest.I`ve been living with this for years.I `ve been on many different meds.Some help for a bit t

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Something Has Been Lost

I`ve been trying to write this blog but my head felt foggy and cloudy.i couldn`t seem to get the words out.I guess my head is feeling clearer now. A little while ago I was listening to some music and I just started crying.I feel so lost right now.I don`t know what`s going to become of me.I just feel so sad all the time.I want to be happy I want to be okay.I feel like I`ve spent my whole life staring out of the window watching life pass me by. I`ve been ill for a long time now and my life feels

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Lost And Lonely

I feel this way all the time.I feel like I`ll never find my place in this world.I know I`ve said this before but I feel like I don`t belong....anywhere.I always feel out of place.I don`t even feel comfortable within myself.I sometimes wish I was like those other people I see.The people that have someone.The people that have tons of fun and lots of friends.It feels like I`m always the outsider,a misfit. These highs and lows and backs and forths have me exhausted.I`m having a hard time getting to

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

The Noise Inside

I`ve been really struggling lately.I have real difficulty getting out of bed.Everyday things take enormous effort.I`ve been so down I really miss my manic energy.I know that seems strange to say but at times I don`t feel like moving.I just want to cry all the time.My anxiety is also worse.I start to panic when I have to leave the house or just be around a lot of people.I feel like self harming all the time just to make the pain go away.Just for a while,just for a minute to be free from the weig

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Tired Of Fighting

I`m tired of fighting this.It`s been going on for years.I keep fighting and trying.I try my best to keep busy, I take the meds.I am exhausted and so sad.This sadness goes down deep.I feel like I`m sinking further and further.My life is meaningless and I am worthless.Everything hurts so much.I don`t want to be in this body anymore.

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

I Don`t Want To Go Back There

I feel so exhausted sometimes physically and mentally.I feel my body,mind and spirit are tired.I get tired of trying.Why do things have to be so difficult?My body and head ache. I wish I could lie down and rest.I wish I could close my eyes and have things be quiet and peaceful.I can`t have that though,my brain wont allow.It won`t let me rest.I feel like I`m being tormented my own head.I only want peace and quiet and rest.I`m getting to tired to try anymore.I can`t stop crying.I can`t hold it in

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

With A Head Full Of Dread

I haven`t been doing too well.My pdoc switched me from seroquel to abilify.So now I`m on cymbalta,abilify remeron and lorazepam.I`m not liking the abilify so far.My pdoc prescribed 30 mgs at bedtime.It`s hard to stay asleep on it.I keep waking up and can`t get comfortable in my bed.I keep fidgeting and need to keep changing positions.I know it`s still early so hopefully the side effects are a temporary nuisance. Sometimes I can`t stop these racing thoughts.I can`t sit still and I talk too fast.

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

 

Nothingness

Things are okay at the moment I guess.I mostly feel numb and blank.I suppose it`s better than the alternative.The alternative is pain,anxiety and overwhelming sadness.I guess it is okay sometimes.But those feelings always return.Sometimes I just want to scream so loud or punch a wall or something.I just want to let it all out.I want to release the black thing inside of me.The one that tells me to hurt myself.It tells me do it you`ll feel better.The one that makes me doubt myself.The one that tel

Lady Mozzer

Lady Mozzer

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