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Absent Mind

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Thoughts and emotions

Entries in this blog

Being Unhirable

My life doesn't really look that bad, but I can't say it is good. I have no motivation or desire to improve anything and as a non-skilled labourer that is lacking much energy my choice of work is getting narrower with time. And that was the reason I left my country in the first place. I was going to be 26 and jobless and since age was more important then experience I had no choice. Immigrating was a means to survive. It was this or death, or that is how it felt. Currently I am in no better place

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Slow Down

Ok. I got this in my email from the big white wall. It is an article for something I think very difficult to do. I have no idea if I can actually slow down. I can ... physically .... but I will be always thinking of what I have to do. I just can't concentrate.

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White Tigers Are Not Natural, It Turns Out.

The ONLY way to produce a tiger or lion with a white coat is through inbreeding brother to sister or father to daughter; generation after generation after generation. The kind of severe inbreeding that is required to produce the mutation of a white coat also causes a number of other defects in these big cats.

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Defenses Can Sabotage Therapy

I I've had four sessions of therapy so far, and they all go the same. I don't remember much, because my anxiety get's high, but in short T asks how was me week or if I have noticed my anxiety and from the one hour of therapy, 90% of the time I say nothing. My mind is blank. So for four sessions we achieved two things: [a] I know now that I have very high anxiety and I sabotage therapy with all the defenses I am putting up. [a] I know because he would point out the things I do or how I change m

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Who Am I? What Do I Want?

When I was about 11 all the kids had a favorite color a favorite number. Something was always a favorite of them. We had those little books with 40 questions about yourself that you would fill and other kids would read. Gosh did I hated those. If I answer truly I was being laughed at, if answer with someone else's answers I "had no opinion of my own". Well I still don't ! It seems to me people define themselves by their goals and desires. The actions are the outcome of those, not the definitio

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The Climb

The climb is steep And up is down. It rains like blood But burns like fire. It’s hard to breath And I can’t see. It’s dark around But never quiet. The wind is strong The ground is wet My feet sink down Under the earth The steps are slow The path is heard It wields my will And kills my hope Eternity passes. I feel tired It never stops … the climb to hell

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Will Someone Take Care Of Me?

I am looking for a small room in or around london or even anywhere else in UK where I can live for free. I am 28 very depressed female that is about to become homeless and I am completely incapable at the moment of taking care of myself [finding a job or working full-time. Part-time is OK but I have no energy to be looking for a job]. Although I am very depressed [i ODed last week and spent 3 days on systems] I can clean really well, not a good with coocking so I am prepared to clean and do sho

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Countdown

In 24 days I will be living on the street and begging for food. Any advice for the novice homeless person with no will to take care of herself? Looking into shelters now. I was thinking of packing a bag of things but is there a chance to be robbed? What about feminine care?

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No Name

I quit my job, and I've been asked to leave the place where I live. I have about a 100 pounds left. No money for rent for looking new place to live. I don't know what to do or more exactly how to do it....

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On The Sleep Workshop

I'm angry. How is this possible. Out of more than 20 people I will have the completely different experience and opinion. So the workshop was great, but it's not gonna help me. It was looking into technics for relaxin and for anxiety, but i don't have those problems when sleeping. There was a sleep diary that we all had to feel out the week before the seminar and everybody found out that they sleep more than they think. ME? THE OPPOSITE. There is a technic about reducing the ammount of sleep so w

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Emotions, Birthday And Sleep Workshop

1.Emotions Yesterday I came to a conclusion which I think I've known all my life but never really recognized the severity of it. I experience emotions on a very high level and that has a huge impact on me physically. I realize this is true for most people, but I think some people have a wider range of emotions. I think those people are predisposed or prone to depression. I don't think this is a personal flaw, or something that has to be cured, just something that we need to find a way to cope wi

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A Friend In Need Is Never There

I had a meeting for coffee today with a few friends. Nobody confirmed me the hour and place so I decided the meeting is off. I decided to ask my mother a few questions instead. Tried my best not to sound like I'm accusing her of something and she even admitted things otherwise she would never say are true. So in the beginning of the conversation with her I receive a call from my friends, which are waiting for me and I say ok, when I'm finished I'll come. This conversation with my mom I started b

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All The Questions And Fear And Obsession.

I think I might be either borderline or suffer from PTSD. I know it is not only the depression. In 10 days I'm gonna have an appointment, then I'll have between 4 and 8 short guided self help sessions. I'm terrified that I might be misdiagnosed and not treated properly. I know I cover all the symptoms for avoidant and borderline but I don't want to get to any assumptions and diagnose myself since I know it might be just in my head. I always say to myself 'No, I'm just being delusional about it'.

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Need Help To Concentrate

I've started a book like a month ago. Today I tried a little bit of reading with no luck! The moment I open the pages I start thinking about food or all the other things I have to do and feel guilty. because I'm reading and not doing them, If I close the book and try to concentrate my mind wonders off at my to come appointment with the therapist. If I actually try to read my eyes go over the words but my mind is not there and I have no idea what I am reading.I start every sentence over and over

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Essence

One of the most awful things for me is the realization of my inability to perform any daily tasks. The most awful thing is to realize it over and over again. I can't accept it yet! Mental illness. Guilt. I carry you all my life. Anger. I use you to substitute disparity. I am depression, I breath loneliness, I dream of terror, I am the abuser, the manipulator, the lier. Expect me to come with a smile. but with me will come the storm. not the one after which the sun will shine. I leave nothing beh

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I'm No Good!

Who am I? In my thoughts I am this person that has no idea how to be happy so I'm straying away from people. I try to hide that person. I don't go out with people because I can't hide well my bitterness and hatefulness, my cynicism and my negative view on lots of matters. I will always get angry or cause an argument. All I do is alcohol and bring everyone down with me. I'm no good for myself and for other people. I don't know how to be any different. I don't think any therapy or medicine can cur

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Is It Me Or Is It Me. Eating Problem

I am wondering if this is a disorder, what is it base on and how I can deal with this. For a long time I thought I just can't learn eating properly, that I'm always hungry or that I have no will power, and since I'm having this problem for as long as I remember I thought it is normal, but lately I'm realizing it might be disorder or another psychological problem so I would like any input (FEEDBACK) on it. I've never been able to control my eating. I overeat ALL the time. I just can't stop myself

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'welcome To My World'

Yesterday I was having a chat with a friend on Skype. We've been talking about going shopping soon. I recently told her about my depression and she is very kind and sensible person when it comes to other people. She was asking me if I'm feeling ok to go shopping, or go out for a coffee. So while trying to explain to her it dawned on me that everything I do in my daily life I always consider if I have the energy to do it and how emergency it is. Most stuff I just don't do. Obviously trough the ye

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Work, Friends And Realizations.

This became TOO long, but I find it good for me to put my thoughts in a blog. IF anyone actually reads ANY PART OF IT, I would love a comment. I had a very emotional week and I even got scared not to loose my job, so today I took a sick day. Not that I can afford it, working part-time, but loosing it would be worst at the moment. What I realized this week about me is that I can't stand being confronted and I can't confront people. Both lead to major problems. Confrontation makes me choke, shake,

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Asleep Or Not?

My sleeping is getting weirder by the day. I can't recognize if I'm asleep or not. My mind is way too active and the states of sleeping awake have been prolonged. I also wake up too much. I hope this is because of the increased dosage of my AD and that it will past soon, because I really need my sleep. They are giving me more and more responsibilities at work and I need my rested mind to handle this!

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Dreaming And Other Stuf

Since I remember I've had this weird states. I would wake up and I would be completely awake and capable of making decisions and I would continue dreaming. Also since I was very little I would be absolutely aware I'm dreaming. This past recently. Since I started taking my AD my dreams changed. Now instead of my very unrealistic often absolutely unexplainable nightmares I would dream about the things that bothered me all my life. I would dream people I don't even want to think about, places I wan

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