I am really missing my dad today. It's been years since he died, but he is often in my thoughts, as the seasons change, as I watch my daughter grow up, when I hear a certain song...I think of him.
He was so young when he died. Only 50. There was so much more of life for him to live, but he was taken away.
My heart aches for him, to be able to talk with him, to feel his hug even one more time.
I don't think I will ever get over this loss.
I saw my new therapist on Monday. I think I'm really going to like her. I think she is going to be able to help me.
I'll be talking with her about the sexual abuse I went through as a young child. And I'll also talk about the bullying I experienced for years in school.
I have a lot of emotional wounds that go really deep. I hope discussing these things in therapy won't be too painful, or cause my anxiety to get worse.
But I trust my therapist. I think she'll try to make talking about these t
It's been a while since I've written here in my blog.
I went to the wound clinic yesterday, and I have another infection. Sigh...The wounds I have on my lower legs just won't heal, and stay healed.
The people at the wound clinic are very concerned, and I have an appointment next week with an infectious disease specialist.
If things don't improve, I may have to be on IV antibiotics. I do not want that to have to happen!
Mentally, I've been doing OK. My OCD, anxiety, and depression aren't that
I feel like I've been going to the wound clinic forever! I have had chronic reoccurring wounds on my lower legs for the past several years. They are caused by my weight, diabetes, and swelling in my lower legs. I just wish these wounds would heal, and stay healed!
I don't even want to think about how much I owe that clinic! When I get my tax refund, I'll be able to pay them.
I need to get some supplemental insurance, as Medicare only pays 80% of the bill.
I now have a pump that I put on my lo
I hate being this overweight. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would weigh what I do now.
I am considered morbidly obese, and it sucks.
I have knee arthritis that is made worse by my weight. I have sleep apnea, diabetes, and chronic wounds on my lower legs.
All of this, I've been told, is related to my weight.
I can only walk for short distances with my cane, and I get totally worn out.
Going places is difficult. I can only go places that have a motorized cart, like the grocery
I just saw my new therapist today for the first time since meeting her. I really like her, and I think she is a good fit for me.
In the past, I have said that therapy isn't helpful to me. But it just may be that I was seeing the wrong therapist.
There is some past childhood trauma that happened to me, that I need to deal with, and try to put behind me. (I wrote about it here in my blog not long ago).
I'm hoping my new therapist can help me with that. I'm feeling very positive about going to t
I really don't like my first name. It is a very unusual name here in America. The spelling is difficult, and no one that I meet can pronounce it,
without me repeating it to them over and over. And I've grown very tired of having to have a conversation about my name every time I meet someone new.
My name has been a burden I've had to carry for my whole life.
I have a nickname that I chose, but getting my family to call me by that nickname has been virtually impossible. What to do?
Do you lik
I feel like I am a slave to my obsessive worries. As much as my medications have helped me, nothing has helped this...
I feel like I must obey the thought voice in my head telling me I better do something, or else.
Here are some examples of the thoughts that torment me:
If I pick this yogurt instead of that one, my daughter will die.
If I listen to this song again, my mom will die.
If I don't check this lock a certain number of times, my daughter will die.
These are the kind of thoughts th
I was married to my ex-husband for 6 years. We had a miserable marriage, from the beginning.
I divorced him when I found out he was doing something horrible. (I don't want to get into the specifics).
I knew I did NOT want him in my life, and I wanted to keep my daughter safe. She was one year old at the time.
So I divorced him, and got full custody of my daughter. She has no contact with him. I was so happy to be finally rid of my ex-husband!
Since then, I have married a wonderful man (we've
I was recently told by someone I love that I am an "epic failure".
Another loved one once told me I was "stupid". (I'm not).
People have told me I have no sense of humor. (Not true).
I can remember one mean girl in school saying "I don't want to be your friend". (I was bullied a lot in school).
These comments, and other mean things people have said to me, stick with me, and have damaged my already fragile self esteem.
I don't know how to get these comments off of my mind...
Yesterday was my 11th wedding anniversary with my husband.
He is a wonderful man. He's been there for me, even though I have mental illness, and physical problems.
I'm so happy I married my husband. He treats me better than any other man I have ever been with.
My husband is also a wonderful father to my daughter. My daughter has no contact with her biological father (my ex-husband).
My daughter considers my current husband to be her dad. And he is a good dad.
I need to remember the positive
I don't talk about this much because it triggers my anxiety and panic, but now I feel like I need to share my story...
When I was four years old, I was sexually abused by a much older boy. I think he was 12, or 13. Anyway, I have never forgotten the abuse, and I feel it has ruined my life.
Even thinking about it causes me anxiety. It has affected my marriage with my husband, which isn't fair to him.
I have a lot of anger about the abuse. Anger at my parents for not doing more. Anger that the
Mental illness takes such a huge toll on a person emotionally, and spiritually.
For me, it's hard to cope with living my life every single day. It takes so much energy to deal with my anxiety, OCD, and depression.
I don't have energy for much else in life. It takes nearly all of my energy to cope with my illness.
Contentment can be elusive, and hard to find.
When I was young, one of my dreams for my life was to become a nurse. But because of my severe OCD and anxiety, that is impossible.
I can't work at any job, let alone my dream career. This dream I had for my life was shattered by my mental illness. It's depressing.
What were your dreams before mental illness crushed them?
I still am not over my ex boyfriend from 20 years ago. We broke up in the spring of 1991, and he still is on my mind to this day.
I'll get to a point where I think I am over him, and then he will be in my dreams again, and I am back where I started.
I just had a dream about him the other day. Now he is on my mind more than ever.
This is despite the fact that I am currently married to a wonderful man who treats me much better than my ex boyfriend did.
How do I get my ex out of my head and he
Guilt has been a big problem for me, all my life, and I've always had the compulsive need to "confess" to someone.
I've been told by therapists that this is a part of OCD (I have severe, debilitating OCD).
The only thing that has brought me any relief is my current combo of medications: Geodon, Zoloft, Klonopin, and Lyrica, (especially the Geodon. This medication has given me my life back)!
But why has God allowed me to suffer like this?
I'm so afraid I won't go to Heaven. I've had this fea
I've always been a very serious person, probably due to all the anxiety I have experienced my whole life. People tell me I have no sense of humor, which isn't true. I do have a sense of humor, but I hardly ever laugh.
About the only person who can make me laugh is my teenage daughter. She is witty, with a great sense of humor.
Anyways, it hurts me when people tell me that I have no sense of humor, or that I need to laugh more, and joke around, etc... I've been told this for many years by many
I'm thinking I might have this:
The part I quoted above describes me. My psychiatrist hasn't said I have Schizoid personality disorder, but then she doesn't know that the characteristics described in the post I quoted above describe me.
My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with severe OCD, panic disorder, and depression. My psychiatrist also thinks I have agoraphobia.
Now should I add Schizoid to the list?
Mentally, I'm doing fairly well today. My OCD is acting up a bit, but I'm not feeling too depressed. Thank God for my psychiatrist, and my medications. Without them, my life would be intolerable.
Physically, I'm not doing so great, though. I was just at the wound clinic this morning, and I have new wounds that are infected.
Sigh. I have so many physical problems on top of having mental illness...knee arthritis, diabetes, and more. it's a lot to handle.
Can anyone relate?
I saw my therapist P yesterday for the last time-Yay! The appointment was miserable. She just doesn't "get" me. She is not helpful, and she is sooooo annoying. I'm just glad I don't have to see her again. While I was there, I met my new therapist M. She seems really nice. Hopefully she will be a better fit for me. It sucks when you can't stand your therapist.
My psychiatric medications are still working well, and it is sunny outside. Hopefully today will be a good day.
My lower leg is hurting
I am seeing "P" today. I hope she doesn't trigger intense anxiety in me, and OCD like she has so often in the past. I guess I'll have to keep seeing her until another therapist can be found, that accepts my insurance. Sigh...I owe a fair amount of money to various doctors' offices since one part of my insurance was cut off. I still have Medicare, but my Medical Assistance through the state was cut off. Apparently they think we make too much money, which is ridiculous. We are very low income.
I was all set to start therapy today with my new counselor. But her office called me today to tell me that she won't be able to see me because of insurance issues.
Apparently my old therapist (P) is sticking around for a while, so I have to keep seeing her for now. (I thought she was retiring??) Sigh. She (P) hasn't been very helpful, and I usually leave my appointments with her feeling worse than I did before I went.
They told me that there is another new therapist that is trying to get the
This is my second blog entry today...Sometimes I just feel like writing more.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about how I would rather spend time with my two cats instead of with most people, except for my immediate family.
I just am not a social person. Being around groups of people just drains me, as well as making me feel anxious.
I also shy away from social situations because I have been hurt a lot in the past.
I'd rather spend time with my cats than try to make real life friends.
I have a horrible time getting myself to do even the basics of self care.
It's very hard for me to get myself to take a shower. I hardly ever brush my teeth, or comb out my hair.
And getting myself to eat right is practically impossible.
I know all this must be related to my mental illness.
But how do you motivate yourself to take care of yourself?
This is my second blog post today...I think I posted yesterday that I thought I had cracked one of my ribs from coughing. I was planning to go to the urgent care clinic today since ibuprofen wasn't helping the pain enough.
Well, anyway, this afternoon, I had to twist myself to get out of my car, and immediately felt new intense pain both in my back, and in the front where my ribs are. This new pain is so bad that I can barely walk. I thought it was bad before. Now it's 100 times worse. Somehow