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About this blog

This blog is about how depression affects me, and how I try to deal with it.

Entries in this blog

Been A While, Eh?

Sorry about that. I started a blog, and also naturally kind of perked up as soon as the weather became good enough for me to get my ass outside and start walking again, so that's what I've been up to. I'm back here because....welllll.....I guess because I just feel sort of slobbery. I feel exhausted and sleepy and very sad. And nostalgic. This always seems to happen at this point in summer. Matsuri season means a few days of getting together with a bunch of people in my neighborhood and par

Hotaru

Hotaru

Haze Of Bleh.

I've been in a bad way. Hazy, lethargic, unable to feel joy, afraid, depressed, feeling pathetic and totally useless. All of the rest of them are speeding past me, all of them better than I am. I can't catch up. I'll always be behind. People don't connect anymore. Optimistic deniers who tell you what they think will shut you up, with a smile on their faces. They need someday to truly have something bad happen to them, which will wipe that smug bulls*** clean off them. Tired of feeling is

Hotaru

Hotaru

Don't Ever Call Me Lazy.

Maybe I'm just my toughest critic. I often feel like I've let myself just sit here, mouldering away for the last 6 years, even though when I reach certain points of rock bottom, I do manage to pull myself up by the bootstraps (provided at least minimal support - as in, not having my life or place to live imminently threatened) and take action. On the fly yesterday, a friend helped me set up an interview at a grocery store. I had told her about how desperate I was to try to find appropriate wor

Hotaru

Hotaru

Stuck In The Dead Zone.

I really hate this winter. It WON'T go away. It's freezing cold again, which means I have to bundle myself up like a tick about to pop, or stay grounded inside again. I can't go anywhere I want to, even now that I've got a little money, because I'm still restricted until the beginning of April (see past posts, if you're curious, referring to uncle's death), and getting dressed up to go out for a walk to nowhere is a waste of time, I feel. I've also been out of yarn, and waiting on an order f

Hotaru

Hotaru

Update

Nothing special, I just haven't blogged in a while. I'm trying really hard not to be freaked out about how many elements of my day are exactly the same, day after day after day. Especially how I interact with my husband. I've never quite experienced that before, but maybe that's just how marriages get dull. Still, I'd rather monotony than something horrible to happen that would shake up my foundation and destroy our current situation. Right now I'm at a point in my life where I NEED this rou

Hotaru

Hotaru

Can't Explain It.

I'm not even going to try to explain why I feel so bad right now. I can't, and even if I did, I don't think anyone could relate. All I know is that I feel very alone, I'm carrying a ton on my back right now, and I feel trapped, with nobody around to talk to. I don't want to die a bitter, depressed, isolated old hag, but I don't know what I can do to change how things are, or how I'm thinking. I can't just say "Today I'm going to smile and Think Positive! :D "...because inside I know I'm just b

Hotaru

Hotaru

Knitting Vs. Drawing

I've been knitting up a storm since about mid-December, when I decided to take on finishing the scarf I procrastinated for 2 years on. I can't even describe the joy and pleasure it gives me to know that I can take a couple of sticks and some string and make a fabric that can keep someone covered and warm. It's useful. It's a meaningful craft, and I'm so happy to have been able to teach myself to do it. I'm not the best knitter, but I'm enjoying learning and making mistakes. Funny thing is, I

Hotaru

Hotaru

**** You, Haters.

I'm getting really tired of seeing the insensitive responses to Philip Seymour Hoffman's death. YES, it was ******* TRAGIC because he was an extremely talented actor, in his prime, really just getting started after many years of already being awesome but kind of underrated, coasting around under the radar. He had so much more to give, and he blew it. YES (if it comes out to be proven without a question of a doubt that this is how he died), it's HIS FAULT that he died because he overdosed on i

Hotaru

Hotaru

Bright!...it Just Goes To Show You

So I woke up this morning to freakishly warm weather for the last day of January. I can't help but suspect an earthquake might be right around the corner... STILL The first thing I did while waking up was realize that I could be walking around the upstairs with little more than two sweater layers on my top, my pajama pants and a pair of socks and not be freezing my ass off. That combined with a hint of sunrise in a clear sky instantly filled me with energy I haven't woken up feeling in severa

Hotaru

Hotaru

One Step At A Time.

Feeling a bit better since this morning, so that's happy. I took a long walk out to a new grocery store chain called Max Valu, which had a Shimamura in it, which I've also never been to, to try to see what the hubbub was all about. The store was boring, but the walk was refreshing! Today it managed to creep up to about 14C (it's been hovering between 7-9C, so this is quite a switch), so I was able to go out into the sunshine without my heavy-ass, corset-like, Yukon bear hunting coat, and it f

Hotaru

Hotaru

On Giving A ****.

I'll never understand how people who can't be bothered to give a ****, get upset or act ret@rded and clueless when you, in turn, don't give a **** about them right back. I roll on in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, perhaps naively, but I don't have time to waste on anyone who doesn't care the least bit about me to be supportive in even the smallest way. I do my best to be supportive to others, but when it comes down to it and *I* need a hand or a shoulder or anything else, and the fa

Hotaru

Hotaru

That's It. I'm Out.

Well, I'm about as to bottom as I'm going to get with this particular funk. Can't stop crying this morning. I held it in until my husband left for work, though I did tell him I was feeling pretty upset. Had to remain stoic, as he's the guy who has to work to keep our ship afloat, and I didn't want to make him worry. I've already been doing the best I can to combat a deep depression that's been coming on since the end of December, and the last few days I actually had started feeling a bit bett

Hotaru

Hotaru

Really Scared To Go For My Exam...

I go into sheer panic attacks instantly where my physical health is concerned. All anyone has to do is suggest to me some kind of disease I might have the chance to develop, and it triggers terror in me. I'm not joking a single bit. Another thing to toss on top of the Traumatizing pile...Why am I afraid of everything?? It's the dead of winter, and I feel like the fattest cow I've been in at least 3 years. I can just tell I've put on a lot more weight. ...and yet I'm supposed to just open up

Hotaru

Hotaru

Hateful Jag.

I'm on one. Since this morning, at least. I've done a nice flare drop in a ring around myself, giving folks about a good 6 ft. clearance from me so they won't blunder into an unpleasant surprise. It's very possible that I have a cold coming on. I started sneezing my brains out yesterday evening, which is generally a good indicator. If nothing else, all that sneezing, stuffing up my respiratory system and then going to sleep with all that going on did not help me have a nice morning, I can te

Hotaru

Hotaru

The Way Things Are. Condensed.

A: Hey! Everything's ready, come on over! B: Yay! I'm so glad to be able to spend this time with you! No holds barred, I'm totally up for committing my entire day to this, no question! A: Ok, let's get started! TIME PASSES... B: Gosh, it's about 4pm, I'd better get home to feed my husband. A:....Wut? But you said.... B: Oh! Goodness! Here, let me make it sound as though I'm putting my marriage on the line and sacrificing everything I have in the world to ask my dear husband to be trou

Hotaru

Hotaru

Kaguyahime Intarsia: Another Ambitious Project Idea

Just quickly, yesterday I started reading up on another way of getting color into one's knitting, called intarsia! Sounds tricky but glorious at the same time, and I'd really love to try it! Since there have been precious few official fan items released featuring the adorable lady-in-waiting from the new Ghibli film about the moon princess, I thought it might be fun to try to create perhaps my own cushion cover, or other sort of tapestry featuring the character. :) I tried uploading the image

Hotaru

Hotaru

Let's Try This Again: Hi, I'm Hotaru. Happy New Year, Everyone!

Now that I've gotten myself started this year on the wrong foot. I really didn't set out to do that, but it just sort of ended up happening, like a high speed train wreck. I'm not here to make enemies. At the same time, I don't want to feel like when I say something here, I should expect to be asked to censor my thoughts, or be shamed for things I say when I feel the need to say them to get them off my chest. I didn't create this blog to lie or sugarcoat things, but I didn't come here to go ou

Hotaru

Hotaru

Having A Bad Time.

It's the first Monday after the holiday week, and I feel physically and emotionally exhausted. I mean more exhausted than I have ever felt. Like the feeling you have if you've been doing hard physical labor for about 5 days straight, on top of crying your eyes out because a parent died through it all, and you finally have a moment alone. That moment is silent, and allows for a complete collapse. I just want to crumple into a heap on the ground. I don't know what's causing this, but I'm becom

Hotaru

Hotaru

Alive - But In Cleaning Panic Mode.

I really apologize for dropping out the last few days. I've had to, because of this whale of a task called "osouji", the major cleaning before the new year. It's hell. It sucks, and it leaves me sore as hell the last few days. Doesn't help that the way my body is reacting to the stress of the death, funeral, Christmas and worrying about osouji is in a way it shouldn't be, which is causing more pain and inconvenience. Nice going there, bod. Sure can count on you to hold down the fort when th

Hotaru

Hotaru

Tolerance Vs. Understanding: My Observation.

I think I'm going to limit my discussion about my current problem with my friend of the last 5 years to my blog, since the forum post seems to have become so overwhelmingly long, that at least one person chose to cherry pick a key inflammatory idea from it and start shooting, without actually bothering to take the time to understand the context. I don't have time to waste saying the same s*** over and over again, so I'll just keep it here, where the random drive-by ignorant comment is less like

Hotaru

Hotaru

Maneuvering Through And Past Christmas.

This year really REALLY sucked. My husband's beloved uncle died a few days before it, which left scrambling to get s*** together so he could attend the funeral. That was expensive as hell. Christmas Eve day was nice. There was sort of a buzzy excitement in the air, as I got ready to make crispy friend chicken, Japanese style, and some KFC style cole slaw, biscuits and whatever, so that day was good, but once the Eve part of it actually came around, I saw my mood take a nosedive. Christmas is

Hotaru

Hotaru

Hell Has Begun.

I'm not in the mood at all for this ugly little beast of a chore called "oosouji" everyone's supposed to do before the start of the new year in Japan. Whyyy, every self-respecting housewife is supposed to scrub every last inch of her home to make it perfectly perfectly squeaky clean to welcome kamisama in for the new year, and if you don't….I guess you're ****ed. I don't know. All I know is that I need to do it. There is no way I can do it all in one day, and there's considerably more clutte

Hotaru

Hotaru

"the Way"

This godforsaken song has been officially on heavy rotation on the pop station I listen to. No offense to anyone who might be reading this and like that song. I don't think I'd mind it if I didn't have to hear it 3-4 times AN HOUR on this station. I just find it to be as generic an R&B with weak rap break song I've yet heard. The rapper's part is so bad, he sounds like a fumbling ******. Really?…He wants to watch American Beauty with this chick? That's all you could come up with that w

Hotaru

Hotaru

Sucky Sunday

My weekends consist of Sunday. It's because my husband works Saturdays more often than not, so it gets treated like a regular weekday. Days aren't particularly special unless my husband is home. Then it's a holiday. Unfortunately, my PMSing did not help me with the short time I did get to spend with him. My husband is a kind, generous, gentle man and an extremely loving provider. He works his ass off so I can sit on my ass at home. I'd work if I could get a job that would make it worth it

Hotaru

Hotaru

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