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setback

Woke up depressed. Pain's not too bad, but my stomach is still a little "off", and the fatigue is unbearable, as it always is in the morning. Took Provigil, or I wouldn't make it to my T appointment, but it only suppresses the fatigue and lets me move through it - it's still there. Does that make sense? I may need Valium, I can feel the panic creeping back in. I wonder if my body's waging war inside with all these meds! I hate having to put in so much effort to just feel less bad. I can't beli

lizard

lizard

 

meltdown

9PM, the depression suddenly hit hard. Panicky, suicidal thoughts were intense (be reassured: I will NOT act on them). I took a Valium to help calm myself, and called a good friend. She kept me talking for almost an hour, and I could finally feel the dark curtain lifting. Episodes like this are frightening, especially the speed at which they come on. I'm exhausted now.

lizard

lizard

 

stressed out

The holiday dinner went well. And it was a good weekend visit with daughter and her boyfriend. I'm feeling the "crash" from the hectic weekend now, but there's no let-up in sight. Another big weekend on the way, and I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm still cleaning up from the dinner party - moving very slowly because the extra activity brought on the expected pain flare. Unfortunately, I'm also having some stomach upset today, and it's knocked me out. I had expected to get some work done today, b

lizard

lizard

 

a big oops!!!

I had to call the poison control center tonight. I keep of log of my pain med use, but I messed up this evening. I realized about an hour after the fact that I had taken three doses (2 vicodin and 1 Percocet) too close together, and went over the limit on the amount of acetaminophen (Tylenol) one can safely take during a four-hour time frame. That's the biggest danger of these meds for me - the amount of Tylenol in them, and the potential for liver problems from it. First time this has happen

lizard

lizard

 

update

PT is helping ease the pain in my shoulder, although it leaves me worn out and spacey - that must be from the release of toxins. My therapist is going through some personal crises, and I can "feel" his stress as he works on me; very strange! As for the small group I was planning on having over for a holiday meal Saturday: it's grown to 16. It's a good thing the PT has helped my shoulder, or I wouldn't be able to lift all the brisket I need to cook for them :tongue: I had an official visit

lizard

lizard

 

apologies for not being here...

I'm sorry I haven't been around DF more these past few weeks. I feel guilty about not responding to your posts, or spending as much time as usual as moderator in "my" rooms. My internal life has been difficult lately (as you know from my recent journal posts), and I've felt weary. Thank you all, dear friends, for being so supportive when I haven't felt up to giving much back Now I'm trying to take some positive steps, instead of just whining: When I saw my pdoc last week I requested anothe

lizard

lizard

 

put on a happy face...

I saw my T Wednesday, and she reminded me that this has always been a rocky time of year for me. I tend to get more mood swings, especially into depression, as we near Autumn. When I'm down, I tend to forget these things. I've had a great deal of physical pain in my right shoulder and collarbone and surrounding area; it's been getting progressively worse over the past week. Bad timing - my older brother and my nephew, who live out of town, are both visiting. And tonight the whole family - a gr

lizard

lizard

 

down

Monday, 8/7: I woke up anxious and became increasingly more depressed as the day wore on. I attended a funeral. At 82, Jeannie was so alive right up to her final moments. I don't ever feel fully alive anymore. I'd had a full weekend, so maybe some of the crash is a rebound reaction to that. Daughter and boyfriend stayed here - that was delightful, but demanding on my energies. They're talking about a day at the zoo with his mother, which sounds great - except I don't know if my energy and p

lizard

lizard

 

stubborn blood pressure

I saw my PCP doc today - a last minute appointment. I have a sore that looks weird and isn't healing. I expected something more than "ewwww" from him <lol> - he's never seen anything like it, but at least it doesn't look cancerous, contagious, or infected. We'll try some steroid cream. The bad news: my blood pressure was still high today, my ankles still swollen, and my AM headaches continue - despite adding on more meds in June, exercising through the pain, and losing a few more pounds.

lizard

lizard

 

PAIN!!!

There's been a heat wave and storms. They've precipitated a fibromyalgia flare-up. I'm experiencing bodywide pain - an 8 on a pain scale of 1 - 10. This is the first time I've ever taken 2 Percocet so close together, at 7 and 9 PM, and I'm getting little relief. I'm foggy, and I forgot I'd taken the 1st dose (which hadn't helped) until after I'd taken the 2nd dose. I'll have to be more careful. I can't function. I'm struggling against the depression this is bringing on.

lizard

lizard

 

moving on...

Of course you're right, Jill - that was my depression talking (well, more like screaming). I won't give in to it, at least not in the long run; I'll keep pushing to do what I can. It's just when I'm in the midst of it... I've learned the definition of "chronic", and it s#cks! The sad truth is, my situation will probably never improve much. It's something I have to live with. But that doesn't mean there won't be good days. Again, that's hard to remember when the flare-ups are at their worst, so

lizard

lizard

 

wheeeee...roller-coaster day!

The flare-up eased for a week, but it's rearing up again. It's hard to take the roller-coaster ride. I woke up depressed and anxious this morning - very depressed and very anxious - for no particular reason I can see. I couldn't stop sobbing. Also having some sharp pain in my left hip - a new location for it to settle in. My hands are better, though, and fatigue's not as bad today, so at least that's something. The depression was severe enough that I needed a Valium to calm down, and that's un

lizard

lizard

 

odd s & ends...

Despite a heat wave, my improvement seems to be holding. Whew - the extended flare-up was wearing me out! As I gain experience with taking the social initiative, I'm also beginning to gain some small bit of confidence that I don't have to be alone, that I have some control over it. I haven't had this good a network of friends since I was a young teen Here's something consistently odd: when I get little or very disrupted sleep, I have less trouble with AM fatigue, which is otherwise very

lizard

lizard

 

social goals

I'm working hard at taking more initiative in making social plans, something new for me. I initiated getting a few friends together for a movie, and I'm spearheading a gathering to celebrate a friend's birthday next week. I'm making the arrangements and phone calls And I just said yes to a major social commitment: season tickets to a theatre group - a couple I'm friends with invited me to join them. It just goes to show how motivating it can be, trying to avoid other goals I need to work o

lizard

lizard

 

Pup's better, I'm not!

Buster seems more comfortable today. Thanks for all the good thoughts! I've left a message for our regular vet to call me when he returns Thursday. I still want his opinion on treatment. Last week was a bad one - all symptoms were up: pain, depression, anxiety and fatigue - especially anxiety and fatigue. The pain has eased a bit the last day or two, and I appreciate that (the pain often lessens when the fatigue is high and I'm sleeping a lot); but the other symptoms are overwhelming. I'

lizard

lizard

 

meltdown

It's been a stressful few days. And I don't handle stress well. Monday evening, one of my 'pups' couldn't get up from a sitting/laying position, or jump up on the furniture like he usually does, and couldn't manage the 2 steps up to the door from the yard. I had to help support him with a towel around his belly. I gave him aspirin as my vet advised and he seemed better, but the problem returned Wednesday. Of course, the vet's on vacation by then, so I had a new vet see Buster. He needed a ster

lizard

lizard

 

<sigh>

<sigh> This morning sees the depression rearing up: I woke up at 8AM, feeling more rested and comfortable than I have in a long while - very little stiffness or achiness or weariness. An hour later: BAM!!! The fatigue hit me suddenly and I had no choice but to go back to sleep (it's that overwhelming tiredness, like having the flu). I woke up in intense pain, bodywide. I took two Vicodin almost an hour ago, but still no relief. The contrast is like a cruel joke, and I'm the punchlin

lizard

lizard

 

birthday thoughts...

I'm grateful for... - making it to my 55th birthday (I have friends who haven't) - having a loving family - having friends (that includes YOU, my DF friends!) - the unexpected growth of IRL friendships since my divorce - my mother's independence - my close relationship with my daughter, and seeing her happily in love - having a wonderful network of support, including my docs and T - being out of the deepest of the depression - the companionship of my dogs - having had the strength to e

lizard

lizard

 

cake with a side of bzzzzz...

Second day of intense pain. It's bodywide, but the worst of it's settled in my hands. Overlaping doses of Vicodin and Percocet had the rest of my body doing OK, but it didn't even begin to touch the pain in my hands. I called my brother (he's a pain doc, lucky me), and he'll loan me a mini-tens unit from his office when we get together tomorrow night (my brother and niece from Texas are visiting; I'll be serving cake and electrical shocks :verysad3: ). I met a friend last-minute for dinner las

lizard

lizard

 

pushing through anxiety; goals; the weekend...

Well, I'm proud of myself. Despite a sudden heightening of anxiety (no apparent cause), I've managed to get a few things done - or at least started the process. I got some references and called a mulching service, did some much needed cleaning, and set up an in-home appointment with a window-covering firm. My biggest accomplishment was filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau against the store I bought my sofa and loveseat from, as they've been difficult to work with over a defect in

lizard

lizard

 

dedicated to my DF friends

I appreciate having the outlet here to vent my thoughts and feelings. I never expected so much support - I more or less thought this would be a journal, and that I would pretty much be babbling to myself. For all of you who read along, and especially those who bear with me and take the time to respond, thank you so much! Your wisdom and encouragement are greatly appreciated

lizard

lizard

 

a few days' stress...

I had a busy, stressful few days: It was the Jewish anniversary of my father's death, 18 years ago. I still miss him terribly! I attended a traditional memorial service with my mother Saturday; and another Sunday morning with my mother and brother and two aunts and an uncle, after which we all went out to brunch. Afterwards I did a little shopping on my way home (I should know better by now - I need to pace my activities. I had to abandon my cart and rush home when I had a sudden flare-up of pa

lizard

lizard

 

pain

I don't know what to do. The pain I experience daily (mostly from fibromyalgia) has been managed most days with a number of non-drug therapies, plus Vicodin as needed (on average 3 a day; last month it was increased to 4 a day, as I may be increasing tolerance to it, plus I've been exercising more). But recently, the pain has started earlier in the day, and suddenly isn't responding well to my usual dose of 1 Vicodin. Now it's taking at least an hour to kick in, and I only get partial relief

lizard

lizard

 

playing mommy; flare-up

Daughter called last week, in the midst of an anxiety attack. She was considering cancelling out on her upcoming subsidized trip to Israel - she was afraid of being unable to keep up with the strenuos physical demands, and of being embarrassed at being the fattest and most out-of-shape kid in the group. I told her she didn't have to decide immediately, and we'd keep talking. Well, the fears have calmed down to a more realistic level, and she's packing to leave tomorrow, with joy in her voice.

lizard

lizard

 

stress test; too much talking, part 2

I had the nuclear stress test Tuesday and got the results: everything seems normal! Yeah!!! And it makes me wonder if the Cymbalta might be having a positive effect on my anxiety: I didn't freak out in the days before the test, or while waiting for the results ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "too much talking", part 2: I met my least favorite cousin for dinner last night, at his request. I thought his i

lizard

lizard

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