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About this blog

my thoughts - basically this blog just mimics my life....where i just talk to myself but not one hears me.

the lifer of a loner...

Entries in this blog

just trying to vent

Mothers days has always been a stab in the heart kind of day. Im grateful for my mom but it just hurts that here i am in my 40s and Im not a mom and at this point never going to get to be one. its all i wanted in life. its the one thing i kept promising myself when i was fighting thru depression and suicidal thoughts, i told myself if i fight hard to get thru it all, it will happen for me. but i guess it was not in my cards. not sure what my cards even hold.  I try to be a good daughter at least

all downhill in a matter of a month

Its been only a month and feel like im already losing everything. She was apart  of my life for 27 yrs, and I admit I took the friendship for granted, we both could go weeks without reaching out but when we did, it was like time didnt pass. I took for granted she would always be there. we didnt talk daily but now find myself so beside myself cause I cant talk to her everyday. In the past I would text her kids and not get an answer and not think anything of it cause I could reach out to her and s

allalone6

allalone6 in thoughts

a door has officially closed

I havent written in almost a year cause well, whats the point. ive been dealing with my own issues internally. What brought me back was that my best friend for 27 years died in an accident last weekend. the one friend who knew my deepest darkest secrets, the one who i could, and have, shared with, my worst thoughts. Our friendship had its up and downs, sometimes i didnt know where i stood with her, and times where i felt she didnt care, (and vice versa cause she struggled with mental health too)

allalone6

allalone6 in thoughts

same ol, different day

I feel like im just living this cycle of getting thru each day watching time go by. my life is pretty much half over and ive accomplished nothing, im not happy, im just putting on a smile. I know for a fact my parents hearts are broken because they arent grandparents, i know my dads heart is broken because he never got to walk his little girl down the isle.   My heart is broken because im not going to be able to be a mom.  All I wanted in life was to be a mom. I started back up on dating

allalone6

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sneak peak

so with this whole pandemic, i got a little sneak peak of my future. with everything locked down and nothing to do and no where to go, the loneliness kicked in. at first i was super busy with projects but i missed going to work, seeing people. i realized how much no one reaches out to me ever.    my 40th bday came and went, no one really cared. which is funny cause i honestly thought at least one acquaintance would send me flowers or something and with every passing car, i looked. in fac

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so now what

i found myself snuggled on my couch, bored and thinking the other night. I have been living alone now for 14 years. I wonder if I could ever learn to live with someone after such a long time. Years ago, for a while I would come home to my empty house and just call out "im home" pretending i had a normal life (sad i know). I used to sit at my kitchen table at night while I ate dinner and imagine it being filled with a husband and kids and conversation. I now just sit in front of my tv on the couc

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sorry...more "woe is me"

How does one find purpose in life when their wished upon purpose can't happen. I feel lost. Im not successful at work, I just barely get by, I've volunteered at a multitude of different types of places and its not filling my void. just existing is not working for me. I dont have friends but just acquaintances. I end up doing everything alone cause there is no one to call. im just living....breathing....and nothing else.   everyone around me has progressing lives. I can no longer find it

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how do i turn my heart off?

starting to spiral down. little things are sparking it. unfortunately everyone else's joy and happiness makes me sadder. new babies, new engagements...no matter how much i try not to think of it and dwell on, and try to be happy for them, its like a knife in my heart. how on earth will i ever get thru this and be ok with knowing what im missing? how on earth can i ever be happy with how things are? its impossible. I can't fully distract myself from the world around me having their life on track.

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2020

Every year i tell myself that this is the year....this is the year that things will turn around. life will get better.  I stay hopeful for the first couple of months but then reality sinks in.   to think one new years eve night in my very early 20's, I checked into a hotel room with a shitload of alcohol, and pills and was ready to check out. I cried for hours, not sure how my body even produced that many tears. I got drunk, I popped pills, I begged and screamed out loud at no one.

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as a seasoned depressed person...i cant seem to help

my mom is getting worse. i dont know what im going to get when i pick up the phone to call or answer a call. her bad days are hard. she hate life, everyone, and she says some really nasty hurtful things. deep down i think she doesnt mean it, but part of me feels to blame for her unhappiness. the littlest thing set her off and somedays im scared to even pick up the phone. i get it that she is sad, but she lashes out when she is sad and i have a hard time dealing with it. she is mad a lot, more ma

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wasnt prepared for the life after depression

i tell myself writing doesnt help but neither does holding it all in.   im beyond lost. im beyond sad. im beyond lonely. i took a step back from everything this past year to protect myself and all its done is show me how alone i am in this big world. I sadly built my walls back up and just sit inside thinking. I didnt push anyone away. i just stopped "begging" for conversation and time and apparently everyone was happy to rid of me.   everyone around me is literally getting marri

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I'm Broken

im broken, in more ways than one. Over the years ive tried to glue it all back together but pieces are just dangling and ready to fall off.   I feel like im a discarded glass placed in a dark corner of a cabinet shelf to be forgotten.   I see light once in a while when the door opens but then its quickly back to darkness.   sitting there knowing my fate will be to be eventually tossed to the trash.   I watch as other glasses, plates, and bowls are grabbed, with ho

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standing still

As i go for my daily walk thru my neighborhood I notice more and more houses that were once quiet now littered with kids toys. more and more little families popping up. everyone is progressing and im just standing still. at least im not going backwards....although these days i really cant tell. I might be, im still unsure if it was me that caused my friends to stray or them just moving on in life, so I could be going backwards because I just keep to myself because i have no other choice.   

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where do i go from here?

these last 9 months ive noticed a huge change in me. im sadder. im more aware of what my life actually is rather holding on to the idea of what it could be. ive lived my entire life grasping onto that idea....just to keep me going. and well...my life is never going to go the way my "idea" is and im seeing that now. ive become a lot more reserved....everyone that has wanted to leave my life, ive let them leave with out a fight....im just literally going thru motions of each day. ive gained weight

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where do you go from here

so nothing like a good ole weekend with family to reinforce in your little head that you are a loser. We got together for a bridal shower for my cousin who was the only other one in my family like me...almost 40, quiet, reserved and not dating....but yup she is getting married....she is already pregnant and she is beyond happy, and im happy for her, but yes it really hurts my heart. my aunts joked with my little 25 yr old cousin that shes next! im not even thought about...they all gave up on me.

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no words

i know worth isnt based on how others treat you, but at the same time, I lack feeling worthy cause im so alone. no one reaches out to me, no one talks to me, i feel very unliked and unloveable to the point of feeling unworthy. sometimes i lie in bed at night and pray to god to please let my one and only wish in life of being a mom come true, then i downplay it and ask for at least to have someone love me if i dont truly deserve to be a mom, and then i think, if i dont deserve a spouse or compani

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back at it

so  I stopped writing cause coming here oddly went from a great place for relief to a place that reminds me how sad my life is. When I reread my posts from years earlier and I see how things are the same, it makes me feel worse.   so i stopped writing all together. I figured, why have proof of life thats standing still? or getting worse.  (yet, here i am, cause thats how pathetic i am)   So i swore off everyone in 2019. i decided to stop reaching out and putting myself in a posit

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I should be grateful

tired of my solo life. when i got myself thru my most darkest moments in life when i was younger, i promised myself that life would get better, to hang on, to not give in to the depression, that one day I will look back on all this and smile that i got through it. i really thought life would of turned out different. i never prepared myself for solitude, how does one truly prepare for that? I honestly thought one day id have a family and a reason to live. just going through the motions of the day

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2019

So I tried for 9 days from just before christmas to new years to try to make arrangements with an acquaintance to give her and her daughter a christmas present. some texts didnt get answered til days later, and some had excuses and the last one, this past saturday....no response. so i gave up, and dropped the presents on her door step this past wednesday. still havent heard from her. Then today, I had a meeting with a client who is one of her good friends, and he mentioned in passing how he was

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lost

ive been wanting to write but just feel like its so monotonous. its all the same. im sad, im lonely, im still all alone, still not a mother, still friendless and nothing seems to change.    I volunteer, i join meet-up groups, im plastered on multiple dating sites. I continuously reach out to acquaintances despite being ignored. Sometimes i think i try too hard, but then sometimes think im not doing all i can.    maybe instead of trying to change my life, i should just embrace it

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ive moved on to just being a miserable angry person

having 4 days off from work made it painfully obvious how lonely i am. I was so bored. i was getting sick of just hanging out with my parents. for years i tried so hard for the friends and boyfriend with no luck. then i was told that it will happen when it will happen and stop trying so hard....so i stopped. i stopped chasing people in general. and well, now, ive become a very extremely lonely individual. i guess a family was just never in my cards. im so sick of coming home to an empt

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how do i have a normal life? 

so i attended a paint nite class. I dont like these types of crafts but im trying to get myself out there and attempt making my life not so lonely. there was about 20 woman there, and i kid you not....every single one was a mom and they literally all bonded over talking about the schools/teachers to sports and programs. and i literally felt so left out, I didnt know a single person. I made idle chit chat with the two people on either side of me, but i also felt like I was interfering on their ti

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waiting to die

i feel like a total failure. i dont understand whats wrong with me. how did i allow my life to get this screwed up. i feel so empty and lonely. Since my early 20s i held on to hope that life would get better...thats what kept me going, i promised myself that years from now, i would look back at this sadness and tell myself it was all worth it. 15 years later....and its still the same...except quieter. all i learned over the years was to hide my depression. i literally just go thru the motions of

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just another vent

i feel so off today, can barely crack a smile, in recent years i used to fear feeling this way cause coworkers would give me a hard time "grumpy again?" it would make me feel guilty and horrible for letting my feelings show thru. today its different, that has stopped, but i still feel horrible that i cant pretend better. im ready and prepared for the "whats the matter" question with my "im just wicked tired today" lamo answer...but lucky for me...no one cares to ask or notice.   iv

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adjusting

ive pretty much been staying low key. going on my daily walks....spending my time maintaining my yard and hanging out with my mom. I fell off the wagon of cooking healthy meals but im trying my best to at least keep up with my exercise. I havent reached out to anyone all summer and of course no one has reached out to me. i plan adventures in my head that i never end up doing cause i dont want to go it alone.   i pretend life is perfect and put on a smile to neighbors and coworkers and stran

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