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A New Look
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About this blog

my thoughts - basically this blog just mimics my life....where i just talk to myself but not one hears me.

the lifer of a loner...

Entries in this blog

 

where do i go from here?

these last 9 months ive noticed a huge change in me. im sadder. im more aware of what my life actually is rather holding on to the idea of what it could be. ive lived my entire life grasping onto that idea....just to keep me going. and well...my life is never going to go the way my "idea" is and im seeing that now. ive become a lot more reserved....everyone that has wanted to leave my life, ive let them leave with out a fight....im just literally going thru motions of each day. ive gained weight
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where do you go from here

so nothing like a good ole weekend with family to reinforce in your little head that you are a loser. We got together for a bridal shower for my cousin who was the only other one in my family like me...almost 40, quiet, reserved and not dating....but yup she is getting married....she is already pregnant and she is beyond happy, and im happy for her, but yes it really hurts my heart. my aunts joked with my little 25 yr old cousin that shes next! im not even thought about...they all gave up on me.
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no words

i know worth isnt based on how others treat you, but at the same time, I lack feeling worthy cause im so alone. no one reaches out to me, no one talks to me, i feel very unliked and unloveable to the point of feeling unworthy. sometimes i lie in bed at night and pray to god to please let my one and only wish in life of being a mom come true, then i downplay it and ask for at least to have someone love me if i dont truly deserve to be a mom, and then i think, if i dont deserve a spouse or compani
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back at it

so  I stopped writing cause coming here oddly went from a great place for relief to a place that reminds me how sad my life is. When I reread my posts from years earlier and I see how things are the same, it makes me feel worse.   so i stopped writing all together. I figured, why have proof of life thats standing still? or getting worse.  (yet, here i am, cause thats how pathetic i am)   So i swore off everyone in 2019. i decided to stop reaching out and putting myself in a posit
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I should be grateful

tired of my solo life. when i got myself thru my most darkest moments in life when i was younger, i promised myself that life would get better, to hang on, to not give in to the depression, that one day I will look back on all this and smile that i got through it. i really thought life would of turned out different. i never prepared myself for solitude, how does one truly prepare for that? I honestly thought one day id have a family and a reason to live. just going through the motions of the day
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2019

So I tried for 9 days from just before christmas to new years to try to make arrangements with an acquaintance to give her and her daughter a christmas present. some texts didnt get answered til days later, and some had excuses and the last one, this past saturday....no response. so i gave up, and dropped the presents on her door step this past wednesday. still havent heard from her. Then today, I had a meeting with a client who is one of her good friends, and he mentioned in passing how he was
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lost

ive been wanting to write but just feel like its so monotonous. its all the same. im sad, im lonely, im still all alone, still not a mother, still friendless and nothing seems to change.    I volunteer, i join meet-up groups, im plastered on multiple dating sites. I continuously reach out to acquaintances despite being ignored. Sometimes i think i try too hard, but then sometimes think im not doing all i can.    maybe instead of trying to change my life, i should just embrace it
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ive moved on to just being a miserable angry person

having 4 days off from work made it painfully obvious how lonely i am. I was so bored. i was getting sick of just hanging out with my parents. for years i tried so hard for the friends and boyfriend with no luck. then i was told that it will happen when it will happen and stop trying so hard....so i stopped. i stopped chasing people in general. and well, now, ive become a very extremely lonely individual. i guess a family was just never in my cards. im so sick of coming home to an empt
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how do i have a normal life? 

so i attended a paint nite class. I dont like these types of crafts but im trying to get myself out there and attempt making my life not so lonely. there was about 20 woman there, and i kid you not....every single one was a mom and they literally all bonded over talking about the schools/teachers to sports and programs. and i literally felt so left out, I didnt know a single person. I made idle chit chat with the two people on either side of me, but i also felt like I was interfering on their ti
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waiting to die

i feel like a total failure. i dont understand whats wrong with me. how did i allow my life to get this screwed up. i feel so empty and lonely. Since my early 20s i held on to hope that life would get better...thats what kept me going, i promised myself that years from now, i would look back at this sadness and tell myself it was all worth it. 15 years later....and its still the same...except quieter. all i learned over the years was to hide my depression. i literally just go thru the motions of
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just another vent

i feel so off today, can barely crack a smile, in recent years i used to fear feeling this way cause coworkers would give me a hard time "grumpy again?" it would make me feel guilty and horrible for letting my feelings show thru. today its different, that has stopped, but i still feel horrible that i cant pretend better. im ready and prepared for the "whats the matter" question with my "im just wicked tired today" lamo answer...but lucky for me...no one cares to ask or notice.   iv
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adjusting

ive pretty much been staying low key. going on my daily walks....spending my time maintaining my yard and hanging out with my mom. I fell off the wagon of cooking healthy meals but im trying my best to at least keep up with my exercise. I havent reached out to anyone all summer and of course no one has reached out to me. i plan adventures in my head that i never end up doing cause i dont want to go it alone.   i pretend life is perfect and put on a smile to neighbors and coworkers and stran
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how to adjust to the silence

I feel so abandoned these days. nothing to do, no one to talk to. I was signed up for a kayaking trip this past saturday, I was looking forward to it since march, I couldnt wait, but had to miss it for a funeral. It was the one thing i was looking forward to this summer. guess thats just the way things work out. I go biking and for walks all the time, but I do it solo, so I was looking forward to company and conversation. I havent talked to anyone in months, I dont even bother attempting it
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waiting

Ive just been sitting back and "waiting" ......for that random text.....that invite out....but who am i kidding? at the beginning of june she was way too busy until after the 4th of july to even be bothered with me....its now been 2 weeks since the holiday and nothing. i dont know why i believed she would reach out. sometimes i think i like setting myself up for disappointment. if people wanted to be a part of your life, they would make an effort. i get so mad at myself when i hold on to an inkl
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one day

going thru another rut....i have been waking up at 3am the past 3 days and having trouble falling back to sleep. I still walk every morning and evening so I thought that would of helped things but no luck. Ive been skipping the gym cause when that alarm goes off at 5:30 im just too exhausted.    hanging in there is so tough...it can go either way and its just stressful. i tell myself over and over it will pass in hopes it makes it pass quicker but we shall see.   my parents are g
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feeling lost

lost. thats what im feeling. im beyond depressed. I dont even know what to make of life anymore. honestly, i just go thru the motions of each day, just waiting til the day i die. which my luck will be when im 90...all alone...staring at a wall in a nursing home. i just dont understand life. i dont get people or friendships. so my birthday came and went. 1 "friend" actually sent me flowers. I of course was appreciative and asked if she wanted to do drinks...well she is apparently busy til af
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another day...another vent

ive been starting to take quick walks in the morning before i have to go to work. unfortunately its the same time frame the elementary school starts and a lot of young mothers are walking their kids at the same time. it sorta makes me sad, i start to think how that should be me, happily walking my kids to school. I really long to be a mom that it actually aches. i tell myself i would be a horrible mom to try to take my mind off it but it doesnt work.    my mom told me again over the week
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stuck in solitude

I havent bothered writing in awhile cause ive been at the point of "why bother" its not like it really helps me. i can write til im blue in the face and it doesnt change my situation....still alone. ive been sitting here at work....alone....thinking how i havent spoken to a single "friend" (and i use that term very loosely) in months.  mothers day was a killer this year as it is every year....all the fb post with pics of kids and the text reading "my world" "my everything" "my loves" and i
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another day stuck in my head

how do you stop being mad? people can go months with out talking to me, and then i only hear from them when they have questions or need help on something. sometimes i jump at answering cause i want the conversation, but sometimes i get angry cause i feel like im only good enough when someone needs something. im sure its in my head so i do my best to bite my tongue so i dont create a worse situation for myself and completely burn bridges. but how do i make that feeling go away. i remind myself th
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im sad

im sad. thats all. nothing else. i just want to say it. im sad. this is the only place im allowed to say it. this is the only place im allowed to be honest. who knew "im sad" could cause so much problems and cause so many to get aggravated. well im sad, and i deserve to be able to say it. no, i dont have a reason, and no, im not asking for a cure, a fix, or to take up your time talking about it. I just want to be able to admit "im sad" and have someone stay at my side. #someday #goals
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i cant fight this feeling anymore....ive forgotten what i started fighting for! 

seriously though. at first i was ok with being a loner or "back up friend" cause ive had such trouble just keeping anyone in my life. but being the back up hurts and beign alone day in and day out just wears on you. i try continuously to "hang out"  with people and the lame excuses are like a knife being twisted in my stomach. i try to suck it up. i try to convince myself they are really "busy" but deep down, i know im just plain ol not good enough.   the group hikes that i signed up for
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another day....another vent session

I feel so defeated in life   I went for a walk the other day in the frigid temps and rain. I was the only one on the trail. It was perfect resemblance of my life....empty, cold and miserable.    i pretend on social media and to coworkers that i lead a happy fulfilled life. for instance i posted a pic of that walk...and acted like i had a great quick morning walk! i did enjoy the walk, but for the 2 miles i just thought how i would be spending this time if my life was different, a
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embracing the loneliness

so ive made myself back off. ive decided that for lent, i will stop reaching out to people and asking to hang out. deep down i know that if people wanted to be apart of my life they would make an effort to do so, i need to leave people alone. so im a week in, and for the next 5 1/2 weeks i get to work on my self control to not get desperate and reach out.  this will help me. i mean i get either "im busy" excuse or just no answer at all, so its not like im missing out on anything or missing
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the day of love can still happen with just you

happy valentines day. a day filled with love, a day to tell the people you care about how much you love them, not that you need a day, but with society and media, its thrown in your face that you should. and its always nice to hear regardless.   but for those of us with no one in their life, valentines day can feel like a harsh reminder that love doesnt surround you.    I will do my best, to love myself a little more today. maybe order dinner in tonight for the first time. we'll
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why am i here

ive been in such a horrible funk lately.    every morning i tell myself in the mirror, that im good enough, and by the end of the day im asking...why am i not good enough.   i know my mind and depression bully me and i sometimes so easily give in to it. its so very hard to think i matter when im just so alone.    i feel i bother people when i reach out, cause of the response or lack thereof, and i pretty much feel like im begging for their time. it makes me feel so desper
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