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Memories Haunt Me: Part II

Once again, I'm here typing when I really need to be sleeping. I've always had lifelong sleep issues, but things have changed since I started up meds again. As soon as my head hits the pillow my mind starts dredging up and reliving in vivid detail various events from my past. These aren't flashbacks per se, nor are they necessarily "bad memories" in most cases they're actually good memories....or memories that should be good, but because they are a reminder of happier times that are now lost,

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Memories Haunt Me: Will I ever sleep?

It's 2:24am. Before I know it, my alarm will be going off and it will be time for me to go to work, and yet I still cannot sleep. I lie awake tortured by thoughts of she who is no longer in my life. I miss her so much at times it hurts physically, and the knowledge that we will most likely never again be friends makes it all the more definite. Separated by oceans and continents and time. I remember every detail of her. The husk of her voice, her accent, the way she pronounced certain words

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All dressed up, nowhere to go......

....or rather, nobody to GO WITH! Yes, I know, I sound like a broken record, and a sad pathetic one at that. It's 20 minutes to 10pm, I'm all dressed up in what I would wear if I were to go out clubbing. My hair is done. I'm looking my best, and I'm so restless to just go out and dance. But I can't face going alone. Going clubbing alone just seems inconceivable, and it's scary. I'm not sure that it isn't a really stupid idea. If there was a chance of meeting up with friends there or some

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Is anybody there?

I don't know if anybody will read this or not, but I just felt I needed to write to get out what is in me. I'm asking for replies because I so feel like there's nobody, which in my real life is mostly true. I'm so sick of being alone inside my own head, never anybody to hear or discuss what's really going on inside. I had an odd day yesterday. At work it was awful. All day this angry, negative, despairing inner dialogue just went on and on in my head. I felt I couldn't get out of it, I d

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The end of a life

I just got back from my great-grandmother's funeral. She passed away this weekend at the age of 93. She told my grandfather (her son) that she was ready to go, and she passed away surrounded by her children, grandchildren and other family members...the hospital staff were amazed at how many people showed up to be at her bedside in her final hours. I myself wasn't there, but my mother was there in the final day. It was pretty amazing at the funeral all of her descendents gathered outside the

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Update (some good news)

I'm really tired and having a hard time keeping my eyes open (please, please, let this mean that I'll sleep tonight!) but I felt the need to do a quick entry. Well, after all the angst of my last entry, I actually ended up going to the Priscilla event. After I got all that out of me I started thinking about how I might as well just go. Despite all my dire predictions about how agonizing it was going to be, I realized that to stay home would be just the same old crap, and that if I went at lea

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More pain...why not?

What the hell. Might was well write about it, even if I don't believe it will do me any good. Even though I feel like a total leech because I hardly ever read or reply to other people's blogs because I either don't know what to say, can't stand knowing other people are feeling such pain, or that I'm simply too wrapped up in my own misery to open my mind to somebody else's suffering. But anyway.... Gay pride events start today, lasting through the week and culminating next weekend with the pa

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Everybody hurts? So much pain

I am so filled with pain, and for the most part I always have been. My problems are so many, so huge, so pervasive and at times incomprehensible.....how can there possibly be a real way out of it? My whole being is dysfunctional, and the one thing I'll never be able to escape is myself. Meds provide a way to survive it, but nothing is solved. Don't tell me it's just the depression talking. These problems are real, they're not fictions of my depressed imagination, and I don't know how to fix

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Sobbing in the bathtub

I'm in crisis over the med situation. I am so afraid of these meds, but I convinced myself everything would be ok and just started taking it. I felt like I had exhausted all other possibilities and that I really had no other choice. Now problems are cropping up and I'm terrified, paralyzed. I don't know what to do and I feel incredibly, horribly alone with this. I don't feel I can talk to my doctor....I don't even know if I could get in to see my doctor! I have to work, I can't take off ha

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Can't sleep

I've totally neglected this blog for several days now. Lots of thoughts going through my mind, but most of the time just not knowing how to express myself. I've also reduced my internet time considerably, as it was a long-standing problem for me. Right now it's 2am and I can't sleep. The past few days I've been having some concerns about Prozac side-effects. I've been on the drug now for over a month, almost 3 weeks at the current dose of 20mg. Had some start-up effects, and then things se

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Spoke too soon?

Well, tomorrow I will have been on Prozac for 3 weeks...first two weeks at 10mg, past week on 20mg. On top of that clonazepam as needed. I thought that I started feeling the effects of the anti-depressant within the first few days,and things seemed to have been considerably better, until yesterday. Despair returned to me yesterday. Bleak thoughts, self-loathing and suicidal thoughts came back yesterday and continued into today. I wish I could rant out my thoughts and feelings, but it just s

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Dose change

After two weeks on 10mg Prozac I started on 20mg today. I was definitely more drowsy throughout the afternoon, and at one point I got this really weird wave of nausea that lasted for about ten mintues. I was extremely yawny this afternoon, and not normal kind of yawns, they were like this urge rising up from the deep...almost like I was on the verge of sneezing or even puking! Very strange. Otherwise not as bad as I expected for doubling the dose. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm almost ce

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Losing things and other oddities

Ok, this isn't very "depression-oriented" but I just got thinking about things getting lost and found and my reactions to it, and I felt like writing about it. Now you'll really get to see how my weird/ironic/neurotic little mind really works. Last night I was dishing out a few olives from a jar, when one of them dropped. I heard it hit against the front of the stove, but I couldn't see where it had gone. Even after getting down on the floor with a flashlight and searching every corner and

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Up and down and bitter

I had a really good day today. I woke up early, had a good breakfast. Went and got myself a haircut, hung out at the library and picked up a few items, then took myself to see a 3D IMAX movie (I'm a total IMAX addict!). Got home and called Mum, had a nice conversation. I really felt productive and normal and was pleased with how the day went. Then the inevitable evening rolled by....anxiety/paranoia decided to put in an appearance, and that basically set the tone for my evening. I took a c

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Nobody loves me

I'm having an attack of "nobody loves me, nobody cares" right now. Logically I know that I have family who loves me and they do care, and there are people here who care (as much as people who don't know me can care) but it just feels like nobody can really be there for me. And nobody really is. I feel extremely alone. Family is not here every day, and though they may think they know me, they really don't. They've all got their own lives going on anyway. I've always kept many aspects of my

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Prozac Day #5

Its now my fifth day taking 10mg Prozac, and this has been the best day so far since I started. Nausea and drowsiness were both minimal, and no other side-effects to report. At this rate I am thinking it would be better if I was stepping up the dose a little sooner, but I'll stick with doctor's orders on this. Despite having some really bad lows, I actually do feel that I may be getting some of the benefits already. I woke up today to sunny weather and I actually WANTED to go out for a walk.

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Hopelessness...and Prozac update

Well, I feel like crap again, and once again I'm crying. There's one issue that I can't see ever getting over, and it's not a small issue. I can't say what it is here, it's just too private for that. Meds cannot make it go away, therapy has not helped and I know that it never will. There are too many conflicting viewpoints on this issue within psychology for me to ever be able to accept any therapists reassurances. So I can't see a way to ever get past this, and it really feels like a negat

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Actually in a good mood!

It's only Day 2 on the Prozac, and a low dose at that, so I'm hesitant to attribute my current good mood to the medication, though I suppose it's possible. Despite starting the day off with some serious anxiety (see my previous entry "Paranoia Attack!"), I was able to get that under control and move on with my day. The Prozac kind of knocked me out for several hours today, so I spent a lot more time on the couch than I had planned. Still, I didn't get any nausea today, which was great! Once

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Paranoia attack!

Paranoia first thing in the morning. Not the best start to the day. I was just lounging in bed avoiding getting up, when I started thinking about my new boss, and how I wonder what it's going to be like to work for him. From our few phone calls and the interview I got the impression that he was just slightly uncomfortable, like maybe he was shy or a bit awkward, though not overly so. I had been thinking that might be a good thing, since I'm shy and awkward myself. Then my crazy mind takes

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Good news...and some bad

Despite my mixed feelings I'd have to classify this as good news.....I got the job I interviewed for, and I start on Monday! It's a six-month contract, and the pay is almost on par with my last job, something I was thinking would be impossible. And it's a government job in what appeared to be a fairly low-key office (with cubicles! I love cubicles!) so this should look good on my resume, not to mention allow me to get through the rest of the year and probably get into a much better place fin

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First blog entry!

Just a wee inagural message. This isn't the first blog I've had, though I'm currently on a break from my livejournal. I've created this blog to be a place mainly to share my struggles and (hopefully!) journey through depression, anxiety, and whatever else is wrong with me! As for today I have a prescription for fluoxetine, but I'm struggling with fears of taking it. I had less qualms about taking the clonazepam, so I did take it yesterday. I was a little disappointed in it actually. It's s

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