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ira's Blog

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Can't cry

Wanna cry but I can't. Wanna ask God for help but wasn't he the one who put me here in the first place, does he not have the power to control others to be kind or control their words n actions why must I continue to walk through all this pain why can't I ever do things that make me feel better why do people always hurt me when I am at my worst.  Why do I have to do this give me a reason why do I have to be patient to go through all this why must I endure all this, when will all this go away

irah007

irah007

Hello Friday

Woke up feeling horrible n it's only 7am. Yest was a horrible day and I really got no energy to go through today at all. Can't **** myself, can't run away, can't move forward. I really dunno wat to do. Hate it when I don't hav a choice. Still need to earn a living. Still need to do the housechores. Still hav a Husband that hates me. Still living. Still breathing. For no purpose at all... Gratefulness makes us happy.  Best part of yesterday is again having understanding colleagues to wh

irah007

irah007

Almost

"I am the only one who can make me happy." Sometimes, just sometimes, I can see myself outside my body, feeling her going down the wrong path, feeling her frowning with anger and hate and unfairness and stupidity, feeling her affecting others around her and making others around her just as unhappy as she is. I know she is heading down the wrong path but I don't know why she is choosing that path and I don't know how to get her out of it.  It's a struggle to force her to stop going and

irah007

irah007

I hate my life

Life is silly. I live it every day. I bring myself down every day. I say sorry to every one every day cos everything I do is wrong. I have no say. Every one else have the say. I have no right. Everything everyone else is doing is right. I hate myself. I really hate myself. I wish I can die. I'm such a coward I can't even **** myself. I hate my life.

irah007

irah007

Suck

Today kinda suck. I keep thinking how lousy I am and how I can't ever catch up to them and Monday is gonna be another torture. Guess I should stop thinking about how lousy today is, stop hating myself, get over it, and do what I CAN do to make my life better right now. My affirmations: I am happy. I am healthy. I am wealthy. I am secure. I am worthy. I am positive. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am beautiful. I am courageous. I am confident. I am excited.  Best part of the day is my tw

irah007

irah007

But still I have to fight

Seems I've been coming here quite often this year. I usually won't come when life is good. So much happening. So much I do not understand. So much I have to change. So much I have to fight within myself. So some things happened and I got hospitalization leave for three days so I could leave the hospital, so here I am at home, on my laptop trying to do some work. Which I have to do. And I have to focus, even though my mind keeps wondering around. Life is good. I am thankful. I love my husband. I

irah007

irah007

Still living still hating

I don't know what to do. Suck it up face the music or **** myself cos the music is too damn loud I don't want to face it. just just keeps happening ****ing . Seriously what's the point every ****ing thing everywhere I go happens. And the stupidest is I can actually face the music cos I'm the one who made the music I know the damn consequences n yet I do it because life sucks everywhere everything I do I know will happen whatever I do even if I'm right I'M STILL WRONG so what's the point o

irah007

irah007

Hate love

So I kind of hate my job. But do not I have a choice given the current economy and how the unemployment rate keeps rising. And how I hate myself for hating my job. And how there is nothing I can do about it right now cos today is Saturday and the portal is down so I should not even be worrying about my job but I am cos I know I suck at it and I'm always comparing myself to the other person who can do it better than I can. I hate myself for getting a high pay for something im not good at and I fe

irah007

irah007

Nothing is easy

Oh hey look I'm running away again. Really why do I still stay with him. Ofcos it's abt that woman again. It's always that woman. Why am I even complaining. What just what am I suppose to do. What's wrong with her why can't she understand. Why am I not speaking up? Cos I never speak up. That just makes things worse. I'll scream and shout and hell will break over.   Oh hey look I'm repeating myself again.  So sick of life. What's the point. Always asking that question. So sick of it. Tr

irah007

irah007

Problems

Today, I am thankful for getting a pay rise. Even though it means more work for me. Even though I constantly cannot meet my KPI so I have no idea why I got a pay raise even. Life is so full of problems.  "The problems I have are opportunities. What's important is creating value. I can't anticipate everything, and that's okay. My fears are often an indication that something is worth doing. Passion and goals must be self-set. My time is sacred. Positive rewards are the outcom

irah007

irah007

Get back up again

Just wanna write my thoughts down. Yesterday was a mess. Woke up wondering what's the point of life again. Trying so hard to put everything right but nothing goes my way. Trying so hard to love myself and tell myself I'm doing the best I can with what knowledge and time I have. That everything will be okay. But that someone always have to make things go wrong and make me feel bad that I'm a lousy person who does nothing right :( Another tip I got is to always end a blog entry with writing t

irah007

irah007

...

I don't know why. Is it my fault I'm running away when I just can't take it anymore. When I'm jobless I hate myself. Now I have a job n it's still the same. It's me it's me I know it's me I need to change but why is it so hard. What am I suppose to prioritise. He keeps telling me not to follow my emotions but it's easier to pretend when all is good but when that time of the month comes it's so much harder and I just can't see the point anymore. Can i run please let me just run I just want to run

irah007

irah007

Gratitude Journal

They say to write down the one thing we are grateful for every single day and it can help us feel better. I had an offline gratitude journal and thought I needed to look through it. It's funny how it seems like my life is full of rainbows and sunshines cos that's the thing about gratitude journals. Even though rainbows only come when it rains, and sunshine and light will definitely create shadows. Well it takes some bad for satisfaction.. So here it goes my gratitude journal since 2011:  To

irah007

irah007

Trying

"Simple But Effective Affirmation: Repeat the affirmation "I love myself" at least a thousand times daily. Use a counter if necessary. It will take max 25 minutes. You will definitely see positive changes in your life in 2-3 months. Make it a lifelong habit." "Forgive those who insult you, attack you, belittle you or take you for granted. But more than this... forgive yourself for allowing them to hurt you." "Do my best, then move on, facing straight ahead!" Found the quotes onlin

irah007

irah007

Heart

"This heart needs to be cleansed. If you want to be an optimistic person, don’t fill your heart with hate. Fill it with love. Don’t fill your heart with jealousy and anger at others. Fill it for wishing good for others. You know, forgiveness, move on in your life. When you fill your heart with these good positive meanings, you can grow, you can change yourself. But if you always feel that your success is always by destroying others (no matter how much you think he deserves it), there’s no point.

irah007

irah007

I'm so stupid.

I'm an *****. Why did I even marry him. I wish I haven't. What the hell is wrong with me. I hate him. I'm the one in the wrong. I'm always the one in the wrong. I hate you God. What the hell am I suppose to do now. ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** I'm such an ***** I hate myself I hate myself. God I want to die. Please God please let me die. There's really no purpose in my life anymore. But of course im not gonna die. Im a coward. Every time I try I fail. I'm such an *****. Why the heck why the hec

irah007

irah007

Jobless again

Hah. So. Think I did the impossible. Well to me it feels like impossible. I joined Toastmasters International. Paid $100 for membership fees. And we have like 10 projects to do. I was persuaded by someone to join. I will never join any club without persuasion.  My first chapter meeting last Friday was..I have to say quite horrible for me. Looks like meetings are just speeches and talkin in front of a whole group of people I do not know. The usual negative thoughts in my head. Projects are j

irah007

irah007

Ramblings

There's still so many negative voices in my head. Why is it so hard to like myself or tell myself I'm fallible but still worthy. I just want to make it all go away. I feel so worthless. There's no point waking up in the morning. How to take steps forward? No reason to live. Jobless worthless pathetic. Forever Swimming in this sea of depression. Why? No motivation. Nothing. Why. Is. It. So. Hard.  What am I trying to achieve by believing I am negative? Do something. Accomplish something

irah007

irah007

Regret

So much regret it hurts. Literally. I wish I hadn't done it, but I had and now I'm facing the consequences. And I don't dare to tell anyone, not even my other half. How would he look at me?? I hate myself. Please make the pain go away. God, please help me to always remember you, please don't let me repeat the same mistake again.

irah007

irah007

Sometimes

Sometimes, bad things happen and there's nothing you can do about it.

irah007

irah007

Do You Choose Your Friends?

Must we? Actually my personal answer to that would be: I don't even have friends. That's part of the reason I just lurk around here. I tend to find myself weird, and everyone else around me weirder. And when I don't understand why they are the way they are, I tend to get irritated and I'd want to stop communicating with them forever. I have a "friend" who constantly talks about people who are better off than her. People who are richer than her, people who are luckier than her, people who go on

irah007

irah007

What's The Point?

I'm only 24 and I feel old already. I don't know what to blog about. I don't even know if I'll post this entry or delete it. I'm not depressed. I just have this voice in my head that keeps saying "everything is stupid". I feel like I hate everything that I'm doing and the only reason I'm doing it is that the consequences of noT doing it is so much worse. But at tha back of my mind, I always feel like ending it and running away. I don't like my current job. For the past one hour, my mind has bee

irah007

irah007

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