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IRL whatevers.

Entries in this blog

Disappointment with family life

September 19th, 2017 was the last blog entry.  A lot has happened since then and I'm thinking of where to begin.. I briefly skimmed over my last entry and it talked about weight loss.  I went from 245 to 160.. now I'm back up to 200lbs.  Not too proud of that, but haven't worried much about it either.  I've been seeing a therapist who has done a wonderful job in helping me change by core beliefs of worth and usefulness.  Overall in life, I feel better about myself.  Because of this, I'm not

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Still suffer occationally.

Since my last blog entry in January,  I have besn successful in losing 80 pounds.  I have went from being nearly 245 to waving between 164 and 161.  I feel much better after this achievement... but I still feel highly self conscious.  I have a lot of loose, jiggly fat that I'm finding difficult to get rid of.  Even though I'm thinner, I am still classified as overweight and I hold a VERY high body fat percentage.  "Fat: Not Even Once". *sigh* that aside,  I've saved up some money.  I'm bore

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

My Journey So Far

So far, things have been pretty good for me.  I still work at the same place, but in a different department now.  It makes more money.  The only bad thing is that I got to work an overnight shift for about a month..maybe 2.    It's tough, but manageable. While training on the new job, I've been doing a lot better with training my body.  I have since lost 40, almost 45 pounds since going back to the gym and reworking my ENTIRE diet.  The holidays weren't even an issue anymore, and I think I'

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Better Blog Rant LOL

So, some of you might have noticed that I've been doing SO much better lately!  It's SO TRUE!!! But that aside, I'm still super worried about my husband.  He's not getting sick or anything, but he still basically eats garbage (pizza and fried chicken is what he eats all day everyday!! No matter WHAT I cook.  Poor guy doesn't know the meaning of a homecooked meal..)  But anyway, all food and no exercise.  It would be one thing if he ate more well rounded meals, but the least he can do is suppo

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

I'm a little fearful for the future

For a few days now, I've been running conversations that my husband and I have had through my head over and over again.  I've afraid to talk to him anymore because either he gets angry or I get emotional.  There are still some red flags in our relationship regarding abuse, so I'm making an exit plan.  Saving money to help myself reestablish credit and a bank account.  At the very least, that's step one. I just need to know what to do in the meantime.  Stay nice and cordial or avoid him?  I'

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Pretty sure I'm not becoming psychotic?

Though if what I thought to understand to be reality is suddenly shattering, it's because of the stress I'm currently going through.  At this point, a divorce would be better than trying to fix the relationship.  My husband has come around saying that he thinks I need help & that I'm getting fat ... but haven't I been saying these kind of things for at least a year?  Back then it wasn't good enough for me because it was too expensive.. NOW I need help? Then he gets mad because I didn't

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

.

I've projected all of my self hate and insecurities onto him.  Why did I do that?

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Okay..I need some serious help now

Turns out I've been the sucker this whole time.  So..clingy, disrespectful..  I don't even know what else, but I've been pretty s***ty and terrible to my husband lately.  Maybe that's why I feel like he treats me badly.  Maybe I wasn't ready for this at all.  Maybe, as I originally thought, I did marry too soon without knowing myself first.  Had I given it time, I would have learned more about myself and realized that this was not the way to go in my life.  Not yet.  Hey..I wouldn't mind being t

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Mounting Pressure

So, I figured venting here would be better than making topics asking for advice for things people can't give me.  I suppose I'll just use this time to write up an update. In recent time, a job promotion opportunity came around and I was so excited to get it.  Long story short, I was passed up for someone with experience they were looking for.  Even though THAT in itself is fine, I feel like I've somehow betrayed something in my life.  I had this idea that if one of us (my husband, myself) o

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Marriage Therapy by myself or..?

I was originally going to put this in a thread, but then I wasn't sure if Marriage counseling was the answer or if I needed to consider depression therapy today.  I think the one main difference is which one is insurance going to cover.  Lol duh. But anyway, I'm still unhappy with the one-sidedness of the marriage and wondered if couple's counseling for one spouse makes.sense.  I've heard of.enough people doing ir, but is it REALLY effective with only on of you there?  He hasn't wanted to g

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

I ****ed up

But I already knew I did even before hand.  Long story short, no matter how I try to justify it, going the passive-aggressive spiteful route was never a good idea.  I was fed up with SO many things though.  Of course, it call came roaring back and he ended up being mad about again.  Ugh.., I can accept that our priorities are in different places, but I also feel that there should be a contracted compromise.  Contracted meaning that we've discussed everything and know what we'd be getting into.  

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Gamer's Dilemma

Life doesn't have a reset button. ... But Yandere Simulator does.  hahahah...mwahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAH BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Lady Mondegreen

Heheheh...I just found out misheard words are called Mondegreens and I love it!  Now, I go off to "slay the Earl of Murray and laid him on the green."   Ahhhah.  But anyway some updates- No chance with the binge eating help.  Most, if not ALL eating disorder therapies are in-patient and godly expensive.  I don't really feel like going back to a depression therapist yet..  In the meantime though, I've been doing okay with eating.  Mostly cause I haven't felt like it or I've been sl

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Another triggering episode for me.

It keeps solidifying the fact that I have the little to no emotional support I need irl and that I keep being stifled by my husband and reduced to needing to ask permissions again.  Okay, some things I understand I may take for granted and I apologized for that.. but really there's so much I'm hiding from him because he either can't help me or I'm afraid of what the answer(s) might be. Why can't I see the ladies that would want to be my friend once a month?  Why am I the sole decision as to

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

God, what the hell is going on...

Is it all really my fault?  How do I fix this? We keep playing the blame game and getting nowhere.. I do my best to remain calm when we talk but I keep getting interrupted with things that "used to" be.  Ufh, I don't know what's wrong and I don't know what to do still.. why am I upset?  Is he mad because I'm asking too much from him?  I knew I should have just lived on my own.  Why am I married?  This really...REALLY sucks.

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

What exactly AM I to my husband?

Still doing pretty bad.  I gained a lot of weight since, well, my last blog entry.  I'm quite heavy and I still eat lots of sugary, salty, and fried foods.  Most of the fried food comes from the lunch cafeteria at work, but thats due to change soon.  There's going to put more healthy food in there and I can't wait to take advantage of that.  Why don't I pack my own lunch?  1 dollar lunch sounds cheaper to me. Eh, but anyway..  I ate a whole container of ice cream for breakfast of all things

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Still Sad..

I'm sad because I've realized how unhappy I am from my lack of confidence outside of my job. No wonder I work so much...with the exception of today because of snow. But, if I weren't trying to patch things up with the husband, I probably would have stayed in that hotel to work. I still really love my job, but, I'm also becoming increasingly aware of how much I hate my life outside of that. Actually, my life is pretty great...it's just not having anything to focus on makes my mind think about

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Rrrg (Numbers)

I'm so aggravated, yet apathetic over everything! I think cause I'm mad at myself, but most of all I've been gaining a lot of weight lately and can't find anything to curb my want to eat. I know it's winter, but will I be more active in the summer? I'm still trying to justify the cost of doing anything. My husband and I got into a fight over money and how I keep spending it on food... well, not just food, but EXPENSIVE food. (spending at 7-11 vs. dollar store or something). What gets me is that

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Oh, Freaking Finally!!!

Finally this powerball fiasco is over. There were three winners across like 3 different states I think. I only bought 2 numbers and my husband was part of a pool. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad we didn't win, but I'm also glad that not just ONE person won it all.

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Alright Let's See..

So, just an update from my last post, things are still whatever with the husband >:( However, I decided to get back into playing cards which doesn't cost anything except the drinks and/or food I might buy at the bar. Other than that, I had just finished up thinking that it would be nice to have some friends. Maybe I'll gain a few at the bar since those people are average joes there to have fun. It's not so much about picking up people. It would be nice to have someone to give more support

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Ho Boy~

No, not a legitimate ho, just an exasperated sigh. Lol Aahh..I dunno where to begin.... uh, so I won't..? Why am I writing? I felt like I had something to say but now I don't. There's a website called Doll Divine. It's awesome and I love it. Yay

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Hoi!!!

Hahahah, yeah I'm still around. In fact, I've logged in quite a bit. I just haven't had much to post. Until now. However, I'm going to make a topic because I'll need some assistance from a bunch of people. Just stopped by on the blogs to say hi! and thanks in advance :3

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

Ugh Why

WHY am I hating life again? Ech, I had a whole thing I wanted to write about, but I didn't want it to sound oddly pretentious. I don't think it would have been pretentious at all honestly, but, long story short, I wish I had more people to talk to - and then were actually able to talk to them.

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

After A Day..

*sigh* After thinking a bit, I've come to realize why the topic of sex in almost any form makes me so angry as of lately! To the point where I just don't want it anymore. Whether that's true or if I'm just telling myself is still up for debate, but a lot of you might know of some of the marital issues hubby and I have been having. The GREAT news is that we've gotten over a lot of it. But, the topic of sexless marriage still lingers in my mind. Yeah, it's important, but that priority only

Phantastic Mirage

Phantastic Mirage

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