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About this blog

a journey

Entries in this blog

 

Don't Know What's Real Anymore

Being extremely busy and distracted at work helps keep the sadness at bay. It keeps my mind off some of the darkest thoughts. Or am I just fooling myself? Am I kidding myself by pushing aside all these negative thoughts? I don't know what's real anymore, how I'm really feeling. I'm so preoccupied with work. And I'm having a fun time of it. But I know I'm so sad inside. But then I don't have time to feel sad. Does that mean I'm not? I'm so confused.

blackhole

blackhole

 

One Year Later

I'm back. Relapse. Backslide. Whatever you wanna call it. I don't know how many of you are still out there and still remember me. I'm so lonely it hurts. I don't think I know how to love people. Maybe that's why I'm alone. I'm too complex. I'm too difficult. I'm too hard to handle. Who on earth would want to be with me? I tried to get out of the house and be a bit more sociable Maybe meet someone Maybe make some friends But I feel so alone still I don't know what else to do I cr

blackhole

blackhole

 

Secrets

I wish I were dead. One day, I will get the dose right. One day, I will use that gleaming knife. One day, I will OD on blow. You know it will happen. It's just a matter of time. I will take my own life. And no one will be able to stop it. No one will even care. It feels like it's my destiny calling out to me. Like I was meant to take my own life. It will happen. Maybe not today. But one day. My brain will not stop torturing me until I do. My soul will not stop wailing until I do

blackhole

blackhole

 

Misplaced Anger

I'm the one who left him. I'm the one who broke his heart. Why do I feel so much anger towards him? All he did was give me evrything he could. All he did was try and take care of me. Why do I have so much rage inside of me everytime I hear his name mentioned or think about him? Where is all this anger coming from? This is beyond insane. I don't know why all these twisted thoughts are coming from my head.

blackhole

blackhole

 

Monster

Well I broke up with him. No turning back. I had the gentlest of souls in the palm of my hand and I crushed it. I hate myself for doing that to him. I hate myself for hurting him so much. And I hate myself for feeling nothing. I must be in a state of shock. Only a complete monster would feel nothing after breaking someone's heart. Am I a monster? I didn't even look at him when he said goodbye. I barely even listened. Maybe I am a monster. I feel ugly. Deep inside I feel ugly and vile

blackhole

blackhole

 

Sophie Turns Two

Sophie's two years old today! We're spending a quiet evening snuggled up watching Mary Poppins. Just wanted to share the simple joy that's washing over me, despite the blackhole. It's strange to be feeling two different things at the same time, but I'm grateful for the happy part. I love my dog. Update on what happend this day. I tried to OD. Ended up sleepwalking to my friends apartment where I aparently did copious amounts of drugs. I woke up back at home with absolutely no memory o

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Just like a girl

Today I missed Joty. I missed him really bad. Isn't that so like a girl to change her mind? I kept thinking today of how much he loves me and continues to love me despite my asking for this time out. Shouldn't I consider myself lucky to be with him? Isn't that what we're all looking for?Am I just pushing him away because of my blackholes? I don't understand what my brain is doing to me. I feel like the most awful girl in the entire planet. How could I hurt him like this?What am I gonna

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How do you break up with someone? HELP!

Ok, I think I've given it enough thought. I've been seven days without Joty and although I do miss him, what I mostly feel is relief. That must sound so harsh but I can't seem to find a milder word for it.So to end his suffering right away...how do you tell the nicest guy you've ever met that you can't be with him right now? How do I break the heart of a guy who loves me with all of his being? He did everything he could and I repay him by crushing his heart into a million pieces? How can th

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Sounds about right

Biotchby Meredith BrooksI hate the world todayYou're so good to meI know but I can't changeTried to tell youBut you look at me like maybeI'm an angel underneathInnocent and sweetYesterday I criedMust have been relieved to seeThe softer sideI can understand how you'd be so confusedI don't envy youI'm a little bit of everythingAll rolled into one[Chorus:]I'm a Biotch, I'm a loverI'm a child, I'm a motherI'm a sinner, I'm a saintI do not feel ashamedI'm your hell, I'm your dreamI'm nothing in betwe

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Clean Slate

Seems like I'm wiping the slate clean. Quit my job, ditched my drug friends, and now about to break up with my boyfriend.I'm reaching out to old friends and it's like not a day went by. I'm glad I don't feel like a stranger to them and they to me. There were no hard feelings that I disappeared. In fact they said they missed me a lot.My depression is lifting a little now that I'm getting enough sleep. I'm still feeling the fatigue, but I'm fighting it now. It's not as simple as just swallow

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Another hmmmmm

I do wanna break up with him because he's TOO nice. Does that make sense? Here I am worried that he's the only one who'll put up with my $hit. But one the one hand it's stupid to think there's only one guy out there for me And on the other hand, maybe I need someone who WON'T put up with my $hit. So I can stop being a brat. And stop wallowing in misery. Maybe on some sick level I'm wallowing in this depression to make him wait on me hand and foot. But I don't want a guy like that. I wan

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Hmmmm

I think I want to break up with him because he won't marry me. He keeps saying wait wait wait. Not enough money blah blah. I think he's just not ready to marry ME.Am I wasting my time? Should I just cut my losses and start from scratch? I'm not getting any younger. Are my priorities all screwed up? I just want to have a stable home life. I'm tired of being alone. I can't live with my family, they make me want to slit my wrists.I'm all screwed up.

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Self-Loathing

Why do I have this screaming urge to break up with the best thing that ever happened to me? He was the only one willing to put up with all my craziness. He's still willing.And yet he annoys me to no end.Is this some kind of episode I'm having? He ditched me today to go to some barbecue with his friends. Shouldn't I be annoyed? Or am I being a brat?I'm just so depressed I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be alone. But at the same time I need someone to take care of me.Or should

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Invisible

Been gone for four days and no one noticed.Feel so alone.

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This One's For Dan

Ok Dan, since you haven't been following my threads... I had a glorious 9 year career as an advertising copywriter. I worked the late nights, I beat the impossible deadlines, I won the awards. I quit for a while to take up interior design, but I still worked in advertising freelance. Then all the free time made me it too easy for me to take all the drugs etc., so I decided to get a full time job again in my old agency.Well turns out that the depression and anxiety had changed me as a person.

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The Outsider

One of my ex-boyfriends, Rafa, told me that this is his song for me. He's been trying to get me off the drugs for a long time. And he also said that I have this annoying need to be liked by everyone. Well here's his song for me. WARNING: May be triggering to some. (I was really hurt when I read the lyrics)A Perfect Circle - The Outsider lyricsHelp me if you canIt's just that this is not the way i'm wiredso could you please,Help me understand whyyou've given in to all thesereckless dark desire

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BUMP! Comments please

To all the unwitting victims of my moods (ps This was mostly written for my boyfriend) This is an apology to all those who have been subjected to the outlashes of a moody Biotch. Forgive me for writing it, Im too much of a coward to say this to your faces.I have to go through life afflicted with severe depression and anxiety disorder. This leaves me scared, angry, frustrated, tired, defeated, and obviously very sad. At the moment I have yet to learn to tame this great beast. It has not revealed

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Communicating with your loved ones

As we all know, a lot of our loved ones in real life don't really understand what I'm going through. Recently I was infuriated with my boyfriend for handing me useless platitudes while I was on the brink of suicide.I wanted to break up with him right there and then, believe me.But I calmed down and told him exactly what he did to hurt me. He cried and apologized and said he was having a hard time dealing with this. I know that of course, but it's just so annoying when people tell you to rela

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End of My Winning Streak

Fell off the wagon. Was depressed. Swallowed 6 rivotrils to sleep. Then decided to drink alone. then invited friends who didn't know i took the rivs. We went out to an art gallery launch and apparently I was swayinng on my feet and passed out right there. I have absolutely no memory of even leaving my apartment. I woke up wondering why I was so dressed because when they came over I was in sweats.I am hating myself right now. I'm so disappointed. After being clean for 3 months. I let mys

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Inapropraite things we say when we're drunk

I'm going through a tought patch. I'm completely drunk. And I made the mistake of asking a former quasi-botefriend if he had even one itoa of feeling towards me. He bever answered. It hurts like hell.I know, I know, unfair to Joty. But some days I just reallyfeel like ending it with him. And i thought ex might have had feelings for me still.He didn't answer so apparently not. hurts like hell. He used to be crazy in love with me. Guess that's over

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To the Admin: We Creatures of Habit

Seems a lot of people are very uncomfortable with the new board. I can relate. I'm having a really hard time navigating it right now. And it does make communicating in journals kinda strange and compartmentalized. It did add to the stress and it is partly the reason why I haven't been replying much in other's threads.I would so like to be of help, but I'm feeling a little lost right now. In my life and in these boards.Not to say the admin didn't do a wonderful job. You guys did a fantastic

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Negative

There is nothing anyone can say or do that will make me see things in a positive light today. I apologize to those of you reading, this is a very dark place to be in. If I were you, I would leave like a bat out of hell. I just might end up dragging you down with me in my misery.Everything I hear or read, my brain will automatically twist to be a very bad thing. I'm trying to fight it. It's not working. Everything just sucks for me now. I know I have it better than a lot of people, but I j

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Another Version of Me

I don't get it. I was used to the depressed me. I was used to the anxious me. I was used to the panicked me. But there's seems to be a new twist to this plot.Now, together with all those things, I'm agitated, irritable, angry, defensive, and even more than ever: TIRED! When does the insanity ever stop? It seems when I got the old crazy in me at bay, a new kind of loony popped up. I should stop making progress if progress means more demons to deal with.Today I tried to relax in bed. But I'

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A Confession

I wrote this in the journal room of DF and since it was quite recent, decided that it belongs up here with the new entries.There is another reason why my depression is pulling me down. And it is something I will never admit to anyone outside of my friends here at DF.I love my boyfriend Joty with all my heart and I see how he tries so hard. Deep inside, I'm sure he's just as scared as me. Even more. He doesn't know to handle this depression any more than i do.I do so badly want to settle down a

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