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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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  1. Our wedding is coming up! I talked to a wedding planner last weekend about all the details. OMG -- this is going to be opulent! We're getting the royal treatment, it's absolutely amazing and I cannot wait to get there. We're having a special candlelit dinner that evening, breakfast in bed with mimosas served the next morning, they're giving me orchids for my flowers, and so much more. 

    Here's the location we chose -- on the ocean! 

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  2. Tactile distortion

    At some point at the beginning of the dissociative experience I became distracted by a sensation on my cheek which my brain translated as an itch. My mind returned to my body so that I could lift my right hand to my face and scratch it. My arm seemed to move very slowly and it felt like I didn't have full articulation in either my elbow or wrist. To make this strange state even weirder, my mind told me that my arm from shoulder to hand was made of inflexible blocks of wood. When I touch my cheek to scratch, my fingers and cheek had the texture and firmness of wood. As with previous distortions and hallucinations, I accepted this by thinking, as a matter of interest, that becoming a piece of wood might be a unique perspective.

    Using my breaths to guide mind back into my body, I noticed the music playing through my earbuds. My breathing was gentle and my pulse a steady pounding that I both heard and felt. 
    I spent some time trying to evoke that uncomfortable “twang” feeling in an attempt to explore it but was unable to.

    Mental Imagery – My Inner Self

    With mind and body back together, I felt like I ought to try and get some therapeutic work done through self-exploration by traveling deep within myself. A simple representation of a door appeared before me and I moved towards it. As I reached the door, it opened revealing a hatch and then another portal after that, hundreds of layers represented by different types of portals flung open until finally I reached what might have been a representation of my innermost self. It's closed and was covered by an object. I felt a sort of warning, a sense of caution that arrests my forward movement. I tried to peer around the perimeter but the object covering it sprouted wings that shielded all four edges of the portal. I felt I could transgress this barrier but then a very clear voice inside me said, “Don't”. 
    That warning sounded firm and final and I will confide, it caused me to completely chicken out! Bok bok B'gok! 

    Take-Aways

    The wooden god dissociative experience makes me wonder if the Ketamine stimulated the part of the brain which under imaging, shows activity during a religious experience. In retrospect it doesn't seem as much of a religious experience as a near-death one. I didn't receive any great news for us all or a message from dead loved ones or some insights about the infinite known to cultures around the world as That Which Is. No prophecies, either. So if it was a religious experience, I would rate as a pretty poor one in comparison to other experiences of my own and those told to me. 

    That threshold I came upon where I had a choice to remain or quit being connected to everyone definitely felt like a very real choice to live or die. I choose to regard my decision as an affirmation of my desire to live in spite of the struggles and difficulties of living with mental illness. Similar to suicidal ideation, it's a sort of comfort to have the choice. I wonder what it'd be like if I opted to remain.

    The memory of feeling every type of fear in everyone remains but it has faded. I wish I had named all the fears I felt, it might've been useful to bring up in analysis. As a concept, everyone can understand that there's fear in every animal and person but it's quite another thing to have been in a state where one fancies one can feel it all. Sometimes, I'll call upon this memory when I'm in some group of people feeling anxious, self-conscious and insecure to remind myself that everyone in attendance is feeling at least a little fearful about something and this understanding assures and soothes me. 

    Regarding the deep introspection I sought through the portals, I have so many questions. Why was I afraid to continue, what was that voice telling me not to? Would there have been yet another door beyond what I thought was the final portal? (Years of therapy has shown me that every time I think I've come upon the final level of all my basement floors, there's yet another right below it. Always another issue beneath the one I thought was the most telling. Ha.) Is there always a “something” covering something else and is that the very definition of personal safety? Is what I perceive as covering my innermost core shielding me from harm or from scrutiny? Discussing this in therapy, I realized that in addition to wariness and fear I also felt vulnerable confronting that last layer. I'm unsure if that feeling was a genuine reaction to my introspection or due to a general feeling of vulnerability one has while conscious under anesthetic. 

    Post-infusion

    Outlier vitals reading: 103/68
    I spoke with the doctor and his colleague about what I remembered of the experience, noting that the bump in dosage seemed to make a difference. I also met with a clinical psychologist whose practice includes Ketamine assisted psychotherapy. She was keen to know about the music I chose and it's effects on the Ketamine experience. I felt lucid and cognizant during our conversation.

     

    In the next entry, I'll detail the sixth and final infusion of the initial protocol I received back in 2017. 

     

  3. Tearz
    Latest Entry

    So today I'm pretty sad. Was much more at peace yesterday than today. I am writing this blog from in front of an Al-Anon meeting place, the meeting is supposed to start in an hour. I came to the same meeting place last night and nobody showed up. Today I called to confirm time and place, they told me it was a fluke and to try again. There were about 75 people in the AA meeting next door, so where were all those peoples' peoples? Anyway, talked to my mommy and went home. I'll try it one more night.

    It's depressing to sit here and listen to people on the restaurant patios having fun. Their laughter sounds like icicles hitting my heart. Heehee, you have no friends, haha, you'll never have this much fun, hoho, your lonely little life is pathetic, hahaha. My conscious mind knows they aren't laughing at me, but my troubled soul knows no difference. 

    Almost had a fullblown panic attack at work today. Although I managed to continue working despite teetering along the faultline, I still feel like it will happen at some point in the very near future.

    I do have a three-day weekend to "look forward to." Hell, at least I have it. I'd like to think I'll accomplish some cleaning and begin restoring my chaotic home back to some semblance of normal. No telling whether I will get closer to that goal or cry for the next three days. 

    I think I will have to seriously consider the pharm route. At the rate I'm emotionally declining, I feel a stroke or cardiac arrest is inevitable before Christmas. Some days those types of outcomes are all I pray for. 

     

     

  4. I tortured myself as I usually do,
    thinking and jumping to conclusions,
    the worst case scenario.

    Synchronicities piece things together with reassurance.
    And the Universe is for me, right beside me,
    Gratitude shows up everywhere.
    My dominant thoughts become my
    dominant experiences and reality.

    I believe in the Secret. Now I must only apply it
    in full.

    The past I cannot change, it is gone,
    and the future is out of my control
    Be Present.

    The Present is the
    Past and Future combined,
    Just as I type this, it's already becoming
    the past. With every letter I type,
    the next letter is the future, but the
    letter behind it is now the past.

    Live in the NOW moment.
    Quit time travelling to the past with regret,
    and to the future with anxiety.

    That makes for a very unpleasant Present.

    Life keeps on going. So this is now past,
    because the present is continuous.
    Never stopping for anyone.

    Mistakes come, and they go with lessons.
    How would we know anything unless
    we first fail, and learn what it is NOT,
    to narrow it down to what it IS?

    World News scares me,
    but I know what fear is.

    False Evidence Appearing Real.

    People may try to scare me,

    but I know everything will be okay.

     

    ___

     

    The mouse in a box
    with glass of a type of acid.
    This Acid is odorless,
    but fatal
    You’ll never know
    if the mouse
    is dead or alive unless
    you open the box.

    But in that moment,
    the mouse
    is both dead and alive,
    because of what isn’t known.

    That's how I feel about
    reading the Bible now,

    Can you take the word of others
    and call it a truth
    when you don't even know
    for yourself if it's true
    or false?

    Like this:

    Reality:

    Everyone has
    a red box.
    You don’t know
    what’s in anybody else's
    box but you own.

    You have a silver ball
    in your red box.

    Is your reality true,
    and the only truth,
    about what’s in your box
    as opposed to everyone
    else’s box?

    Is your box the only truth?
    What if everyone had a silver ball?


    You’d never know.


    What if you were the only one who got
    a silver ball?


    You’d never know.

     

    What if yours had a silver ball, but everyone
    else's box was empty?

     

    What is not known
    for certain
    cannot be considered
    the TRUTH for all.

    Thank you for reading. I hope this makes sense.

  5. Wouldn't it be nice if everyday was a day of appreciation and love.

    Nobody said or did bad things to others and people constantly

    went around trying to help and look out for those, who are

    less fortunate than others.  Boy oh Boy what a world it would be.

    Happy Valentines Day, Love Floor 2017 

  6. JD4010
    Latest Entry

    I remember listening to Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones when I was in college. I played it over and over again because it so completely described my outlook.

    Kind of sad for a dumb ass 18-year-old kid to be thinking that way.

    41 years later and I still feel the exact same way.

    Honestly, there are many days where I wish they'd just plant me in a room somewhere and fill me up with sedatives. I could then just lay in bed and not give a sh!t about anything.

    I kind of don't give a sh!t right now, but the attitude causes me anxiety and loathing. Better to be all numbed up and not concerned with anything more than getting to the bathroom without falling down.

  7. You don't have to be Sherlock Freud to figure this one out.  Someone has exposed part of the brain on driver's right, and sprinkled that gold glitter used in craft projects over the area.  It may look fashionable, but will indeed cause a host of "abnormal activity of neural circuits," as mentioned.  Even the regular, "breath in . . . now let it out," request from your doc can cause slight B.B.D., "ballooning brain disorder", followed by D.B.D., "deflating brain disorder."  Only try this under the supervision of a trained cosmetician. 

    Early data mining indicates the practitioner had a heavy hand on the glitter/snow shaker on operation day.  The result, increased activity in the frontal lobe, and a heavy dusting of fake snow, subject announced he felt cold.  Conversely, when gold glitter is decreased in the parietal and temporal areas, subject asked that a window be opened.  

     

     

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    (People, this is a joke.  Please don't try it, anywhere. B)

  8. Hear me out, I want to talk about something important.

    Adults self-harm too. I know it because I am a 34-year-old woman, married and a mother of three and I cut and abuse prescription medicines and other medicines. 

    Self-harm is not just teenagers' previlege. It's not just childish attention seeking. People cut for various reasons. Sure some are doing it for attention but also to relieve anxiety, feeling of control, punish themselves or maybe they are hearing voices that tell to do so. 

    For me cutting is a symptom of my manic-depressive illness. I am doing it because my brain constantly challenges me to do that. I don't hear voices, it's my own mind that makes me hurt myself. My brain is telling me to cut myself and I rarely can resist because my illness is in a very bad place right now. 

    I am at home this weekend. I came on Friday and will go back to ward Sunday evening. Weekend has been very good except for constant battle against my brain. I am proud of myself that I haven't taken any extra pills. Cutting however has been an issue this weekend.

    I had promised myself that I would never cut my wrists or arms. This weekend it happened. I cut my wrist. And I cut deeper than before. I know I will have to tell this to a nurse and doctor. And I am so stressed out my family members to see what I have done. They wouldn't understand. To be honest, I am not sure how I will convince the doctor that my brain is making me do this. 

    I am also having suicidal thoughts. Self-harm is different and is not related to suicidal thoughts. Just like self-harm thoughts my brain is feeding me ideas of k i l l i n g myself. I know both thoughts will fade away when I get better. 

    If you are self-harming, seek for help. I would also like to hear from you if you find any of this familiar. 

  9. These are my latest acquisitions, captured via a police raid on a drug dealers house. Not the exact dish but the species.

    The RSPCA apparently got my number from a couple of Aquatic stores nearby and provided me with the tanks (thankfully) these tanks will be here at 9am tomorrow. The fish arrive Tuesday. So I have a busy weekend setting up two massive tanks for them. Not what I was planning on doing this weekend but what I have coming I could not say no to. 

    First photograph is a breeding pair of Barca Channa (Rainbow Snakehead Eel) these are illegal in the UK now so the only way for me to legally keep these fish is rescue or buy from a certified captive breeder. You need documentation that the fish was captive bred or has been captive for over 10 years. I saw these at an aquarium in Japan 10 years ago and have wanted them since.

    Next. OMG OMG OMG. I will need clean underwear for these two. My dream fish. Wolf Fish. These guys are Piranha eaters and with the above possibly the two most aggressive freshwater fish species (with Arrowena) in the world. These guys have been known to leap up to 2 foot from the water to catch birds and monkeys so i need a lid and secured feeding hatch and maybe some chainmail???

    I need to learn not to put my hands in these tanks, I will lose digits if I do that.

    So I am getting two 150 Gallon tanks delivered tomorrow with thanks to the RSPCA and they have taken my details for other potential rescues. I did make sure to tell them I really only want Bettas and other Nano Fish but these....... oh I love them already. 

    Anyone have any name suggestions? For any of the toothy cuties coming my way

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    Floor2017
    Latest Entry

    I cannot lay here I got to go.  Sometimes 

    life becomes so hard on us that we don’t 

    want to do anything but lay there, But we

    have to find a way to get up and go!

  10. You know, it occurs to me that I do not have a very good work - life balance. And my saying that should be taken as a massive understatement probably.  I have no life outside of work.  I can't afford one - we only have basic bills, we can't pare anything down anymore. No safety net (ie savings or credit cards)... it's hard to try to have a life when you cannot afford to leave the house, you know?  I guess, now that I think about it, there are things I could do. 

    I've tried crocheting recently. It's been a few weeks since I picked it up, but I am working on a scarf. I"ll have to show you when I get it done enough. At the moment, it could either be a scarf or a really big dish cloth, LOL.  I'm only doing single stitch crochet, and just barely at that. But it's something.  I keep trying counted cross stitch, but it's so detail oriented, I get tired of it after a while.

    I'm also writing again, sort of.  I've put down my Supernatural - Doom fanfiction for a while, and my original Supernatural fanfiction.  I started a version of Supernatural that incorporates more 'Christian' beliefs.  I'm not very far into it - only about 15 pages or so - and I'm just getting to the part where I need to figure out how these changes affect Sam and Dean Winchester, and specifically their lives 'in canon'.  How much will change?  So far, I've primarily dealt with Castiel and some other side characters I made up.

    For me, the hardest part of writing has not been the actual writing - it has been the research and thinking.  I finally had to put my Supernatural-Doom AU fanfiction down because I had so many re-starts in the beginning (re-working it because there was a serious flaw in what I came up with) that I just completely lost the story in my head.  I set it down nearly a month ago and haven't picked it up again.  That taught me a lesson - certain things need to be thought through before I start typing.  Because having to interrupt that process once I get started really ruins my ability to continue writing the story.  I am also wondering if in those cases I should just keep writing the story out the way I had planned, flaws and all, and then re-work it.  But some of the flaws I felt were too big - big enough to influence where the rest of the story went. So I kept re-starting.

    It's been probably two months or so since I picked up my original Supernatural fanfiction, the one that started all this.  Well, that's a lie. It's really Sherlock (BBC series) that started it.  Just like in real life, how Sherlock was the original fandom.  Sherlock is the fandom that started it all. When Doyle tried to kill off Sherlock, fans protested in large numbers, wearing black mourning armbands.  He had to bring Sherlock back.  So we are the first - fitting therefore that my start in writing fanfiction should be with Sherlock.  I haven't published it on AO3 yet, though.  It really sucks, actually. My Watson is far too open and comfortable with his sexuality to be true to Watson in the series.  Watson in the series is a stereotypical repressed Englishman.  Feelings, what?  I haven't figured out how to fix that.

    As far as my own original story, I am also stuck there.  I'd really like to write a dragon story set in relatively modern urban setting. Hardly anyone does that seriously, and when they do, it's always in terms of shifters.  But my imagination is still locked in 'McAffrey Pern' Mode.  If you've read Anne McAffrey's Pern series, you'll know what I mean.  If not, what I am referring to is sentient telepathic dragons and humanoid riders  in a pre-industrial setting.  I'd like to transfer that over to a relatively modern urban setting, without making it steampunk or going too far back to early industrial / Edwardian / Victorian times. I'd like to stick with current time, or slightly in the future, without being dystopian. 

    But there are so many moving parts - can you imagine the US military industrial complex if someone bio-engineered dragons? Forget the size for now, just the concept; size brings its own problems, too.  And how expensive would that be initially to 'own' one?  And how does a sentient dragon population affect culture, societal norms, and the previously mentioned military industrial complex?  History has shown us how long it took for us to consider our fellow humans - who happen to have a darker skin tone - as human. And they look like us.  In many ways, we are still struggling with race as a society, at least in the US.  And like I said, that is our fellow humans.  How much more difficult would it be for humanity to admit that dragons are sentient and have the same right to self determination as humans?  And that doesn't even count starting on characterizations. 

    I have two completely different story ideas in my head - one pre-industrial and one tentatively future modern. I know that if I can get it straight in my head, I can write it.  I'm still not sure about my ability to grasp characterization, though.  One of many things I am not sure about.  Oh, and I still haven't mentioned my Christian-based Armegeddon storyline....

    Anyway, enough rambling on. Time to put the old nose to the grindstone so to speak.

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  11. WordsInTheWind
    Latest Entry

    I used to care. Really, care.

    Sometimes too much.

    However, after these last few years - I'm not sure when, exactly - I just don't feel it anymore. Not like I used to.

    I don't feel that spark in my heart when I should, or that quiver of fear in my gut when I know I should be nervous. I don't feel any sense of urgency when I think about what will come next in my life; what I should be doing to improve within the next month - year - 5 years.

    I don't even care that I don't care anymore, I'm just waiting.

  12. 20YearsandCounting
    Latest Entry

    Yesterday - Sunday - I managed to get out and walk 1 1/2 laps, which ends up being 1.3 miles.  I missed Saturday - don't ask me how. I think I entered some sort of time wormhole or something. It wasn't like I was busy or anything - I barely made it off the couch. Which is standard for me.  And Friday I was out of town, left early by 700am (early for me anyway) and didn't get home until nearly 645pm. Anyway, I managed to walk yesterday (Sunday).  Yay.  I still feel like I'm failing, but I am trying not to let myself give up. I want to be healthier and lose weight for my husband. He loves me the way I am, but I don't love me the way I am.  You know?  At the moment I weight marginally more than he does - probably only by about 5 or 10 pounds, but still.  I used to be really skinny, naturally. I think, looking back, I must have had a high metabolism or something.  And somehow having kids changed that a little. Anyway, there it is...

    Here's my 'whuff' for the day...

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    Depressedgurl007
    Latest Entry

    My first blog post.

    I’ll just type out everything on my mind, since I’m not so good at writing. I’m gonna try to look at silver linings in my life. I have this bad habit of just staring into space and hating myself and hating everything about this world and end up wasting a lot of time just being unproductive. 

    So what’s my silver lining for today? Watching SAO. Always makes my Sunday. Going to my religious class, even though I can’t remember what I learned there. And.. borrowing The Travelling Cat Chronicles from the library yesterday. Cos cats are so cute. My Husband has a cat, but I don’t like picking up her shit or vomit. Well that’s me. I don’t know how to get used to doing those chores. 

    And yea it’s a Sunday morning here, gonna try to get out of bed now. 

  13. We are all alone 

    People try to reach out but its impossible 

    I hate and love everyone.  I know thats confusing but i dont care.  I need the end of conciousness as its a hell.  

    EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has touched my world has left.   **** them.

    Why is it si hard to shut all the doors?

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    Nobody, wants to let their last day be a

    day of disappointment.  So,if we learn 

    to live like everyday is our last day we

    would get more out of everyday we live.

     I know it want be easy but we can train 

    our mind to become more motivated about 

    life than what we are currently doing.

    Hang in there my friend and I wish nothing 

    but the best for everyone.

  14. It's been a long time.  A very long time. The last time I posted I think I was back I Australia around 7 months ago. I've been fwwling alot bettern since my laat episode. I'm now residing in New Zealand, with a stable job and I thought a much more stable set of emotions. Tonight I got drunk and realised I still lother of being myself. I'm a terrible lover and don't compare right to previous lovers or boyfriends. Bloody hell it's been a long time since I've felt this way. It almost feels like coming back home to this despair. It's like it's where I'm 'meant' to be despite the goals and aspirations I've met, potentially even exceeded. 

    I want someone real to talk to.

     

    A Troubled Traveller. 

  15. tired of my solo life. when i got myself thru my most darkest moments in life when i was younger, i promised myself that life would get better, to hang on, to not give in to the depression, that one day I will look back on all this and smile that i got through it. i really thought life would of turned out different. i never prepared myself for solitude, how does one truly prepare for that? I honestly thought one day id have a family and a reason to live. just going through the motions of the day...going to work...coming home...no friends....solo activities...its...well....very trying. 

    it never crossed my mind when I was younger that i could possibly live a life where i could go days without talking to anyone. i always had it in my head that life would just get better, that nothing could be worse than being a victim stuck inside my own volatile head. but you know what, this lonely life isnt all that much of a step up. i mean, ya...the suicidal thoughts are rare these days, and im not constantly putting myself down as much, and i see situations clearer now, but the sadness is still there....the "not good enough" feeling is still there, and im quite aware of what im missing out on and it hurts.

    i suppose in the big picture of things this life is better than the previous. but its still not great, but i guess i shouldnt complain or whine and be grateful

  16. Posting this more for myself than anything else... but that's the nature of a blog I guess. Posting for oneself, but in the hope that someone else will somehow connect with something you wrote.  I started reading a book recently, on recommendation of a friend. I wasn't sure how I would like it, but it's not bad so far.  Classic High Fantasy - Belgarath the Sorcerer by David & Leigh Eddings. I'm only on chapter 9, so I've really barely got started.  Anyway, that doesn't have anything to do with Misha.  I find myself casting about for a finger hold.  You know?  Clinging to the side of the cliff, looking for finger holds and toe holds, making my way up.  Though I never seem to get to the top.  I feel like I'm getting closer. 

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    Whatever your selfish love or your desires 

    are in your life if you are willing to give 

    something up that you know your flesh 

    just got to have or it’s make you feel 

    very uncomfortable without it.  Giving 

    it up will make you stronger to overcome 

    your many obstacles that stand in

    your way of defeating or slaying your 

    giants in your life. 

    I wish and hope nothing but the best for

    everyone.

  17. MrMisery
    Latest Entry

    It's time to step up.

     

    I'm more than this, this cowering, broken person.

    I am at my weakest, but that's no excuse.

     

    This is my life, and I'm owning it. I've put too much into it to let it go. I walked a half marathon every day for 4 months on a broken foot, then it happened again a couple of months later, and I endured it again for another 4 months. I didn't bitch about my bad luck, and very few saw the pain or the fear that my foot would never heal. When people asked about the boot on my foot, I just told them these are my dancing shoes.

    I worked 130-137 hour weeks, for 8 weeks straight, to start my business. That's the hardest I've ever had to work, and now with things expanding I know I might be in for worse in the next few months, but I know its worth it, and I know I did that when I was seven years younger, with all of the inexperience and weakness that comes with that.

    I fought hard, and that doesn't even scratch the surface.

    I did the work. Now I'm spending most of my time wanting to throw it away. Why? Because, I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person. Not for anything I've done, but because there is something inherently wrong with me. There is no rationality. I just feel that the entirety of the world wants me gone, because there is something wrong with me. Any tiny thing goes wrong, or I'm alone with my thoughts for five minutes, and I want to put an end to it all.

     

    That's not what this is.

    This illness will not conquer me. I will not break to it.

    There is one simple fact that I'm going to acknowledge as absolute fact: I am a good person.

    I wont allow myself to question that when in the midst of depression, I have proven the opposite enough. I'll take luxury of that, and I'll build from there.

     

    Obviously this isn't an illness you can shrug off, and I do believe I'll be fighting it for my entire life, but this does have to be a turning point. Today, this hour, this minute, has to be a turning point. This cannot continue.

    It's time to clean up my act, and start taking every little win I can, every little positive I can build in my life I need to build. I need to make this better, whatever the path to that may involve.

  18. LOL, I should be getting dressed for work right now.  But here I am.  Overall it's been a good few days....

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  19. Gisele's

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    Gisele
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    After electrocuting me half to death on New Year's Day, my husbands best friend came over. I imagined he was here to make amends but alas the subject never came up. Probably for the best, really. 

    Instead he invited us onto his yacht for the day. Alex and the children had already made arrangements to go ice skating and I only saw two problems with that: it is the middle of gorgeous summer and I have broken enough bones. So I'm not brimming with curiosity to know what falling face first onto an ice rink would be like. 

    I was therefore free and said I would love to.

    He said they were going to be sailing in a race so I then said best I don't go. 

    He asked why not.

    I said because it seemed like to much hard work doing boaty things and I couldn't be counted in doing anything in the nick of time, which seems like there is a lot of in a boat race. 

    He said I needn't worry because there are buttons for everything.

    That was more or less a giant lie. 

    I said, great, I'll go if I can sit at one end like a mermaid and offer occasional words of polite encouragement, I also offered to sledge other competitors or maybe get my top off or whatever to lull them onto a reef or whatever and he said that wouldn't be necessary. Actually, he might have made me promise not to do any of that but, perhaps unfortunately, he has known me for a long time. 

    It was more fun than I imagined. It was also affluent people getting the ruler out but one can't be too critical when one is married to one. Oh well. 

    He asked me later if I enjoyed the day and of course I did. I also said this sailing lark makes a fine metaphor. I said for 'life'. I meant 'mental disease and emotional turmoil' but thought better of lowering the tone. And it does. Looking for wind, tacking to find it, putting the big, balloony thing out to make the most of it, etc, etc It's all like life. 

    He said two things. Firstly, it's called a spinnaker and the rest is all fine, but if you want to get serious, then people just need to change the boat. 

    I warned him to not encourage my beloved to think like that.

    He laughed and said I had homework if I was at all worried about that.

    I think it's time to change a boat or two myself though. Like this one and all the other one's bobbing around, like corks, on the sea of self-reflection. I think not only have I had enough of that, it's usefulness does not feel as tangible as it once did. Therapy is down to three-monthly catch-ups so I ain't the only one seeing this. That's encouraging.

    So...have yourselves a ripper 2019. I won't be here and not even once. Will see what 2020 brings.

    Never say never

     

     

     

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    When I need to get away for a hour or two

    I just go to my quite place and feed the 

    fish and catch my dinner for a Picker Upper 

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    Investing In Yourself 

     

    Life can become extremely hard but we

    got to get up everyday trying to invest 

     In ourselves.  Even if it means having 

    to learn new ways of surviving.  We owe

    it to ourselves to try to live the best life 

    we can under the new circumstances 

    that life sometimes presents to us.

    This is the last day of 2018 and I wish 

    everyone nothing but the best as we 

    approach the year of 2019 Tomorrow.

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