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I’m just scared a lot of times. My hearts been crying for awhile now. But now I am shedding tears through my eyes. Please give me the strength to listen. The strength to believe. I see the changes. Please guide me so I won’t turn back but so I’ll be able to believe. And eradicate doubts and have strength to go over my fear.
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Things have happened recently that may mean I end up leaving DF.
I wanted you to know, so you don't think I k*ll*d myself or something, because I know my blog posts have been a little dark lately.
If you don't hear from me, it's because I'm elsewhere, not because I finally gave in.
You guys mean the world to me, I want you to know that.
I seen and noticed that there are very old posts and not a whole lot going on in the forums. I guess I was used to other forums, the bigger ones, that have like a million users online at once.
But it gives it a peaceful ambience here. Did I use that word correctly? I hope so.
After three Ketamine infusions, what if any improvements to my condition did I notice? To answer that I'll begin with a recap of where I was before treatment.
My baseline emotional state for longer than a year featured many MDD symptoms, such as Anhedonia (loss of pleasure in anything), an acute loss of purpose, despair from lack of therapeutic response to drug treatments and pessimism for my future. I was alive but I wasn't living. The only distinction I drew from experiences was the tolerable from the intolerable and during any social obligation, my goal was to just maintain until it's over. Though there were few obligations I had left. I wasn't working, having been fired from my job a year before and I had no significant other, having put an end to a 3 year relationship in the midst of our couples therapy session (girlfriend: jaw-drop; therapist: jaw-drop; me: wondering if I could somehow melt into the sofa).
Stripped of these obligations, I didn't feel liberated at all. I felt like a ghost of my former self returning to the same activities, coping mechanisms and the same problem behaviors that once supplied some meager nourishment to my troubled existence. They no longer gave me any relief or satisfaction yet still I "haunted" them, I guess because these are habits of the brain.
After three treatments something changed. Anhedonia dissolved. Words were pouring out of me and because I had begun a journal there was someplace for them to go. Suddenly I'm interested in searching for unfamiliar music to assist in the creation of new neuronal pathways. Suddenly there is hope. Experiencing excitement after feeling nothing for so long resembled hypomania and it's a wonder I got any sleep. Was I feeling like Bradley Cooper's character in the TV show Limitless? Nah, not really. Only in the sense that I'd begun to see there were possibilities for me that didn't seem to exist before.
Is Functionality Relief?
Yes, it is. The Ketamine Advocacy Network informed me that I shouldn't expect mood elevation so soon after beginning treatment, rather I might notice an increase in “functionality” – meaning, the ability to do stuff. I did notice what seemed like a larger reservoir of energy to draw on for activities. Self-cares, chores were no longer arduous struggles requiring mental energy to fight off impairing, negative thoughts. I felt motivated to set aside time for physical and mental exercise (meditation). I wondered if I should attribute this uptick in functionality to Ketamine therapy or was I was merely convincing myself that it was? You're probably familiar with the placebo effect and other reactivity influencing phenomena(1), anyone who's been on countless medications has experienced it for a week, maybe two. I decided I didn't have to answer that question but instead, just decide how use the functionality for however long it would last.
Improvement in therapy
Like any antidepressant, Ketamine alone isn't enough to tackle major depression. Post-infusion, my time spent in therapy sessions seemed more productive. I felt I could concentrate and participate which resulted in a better grasp of the concepts and how I could apply them. There were some moments of realization, such as how negative thoughts had been left alone to define me for so long.
Are The Side-effects Of Ketamine Therapeutic?
I'm asking if the euphoric, analgesic, anesthetic and dissociative effects have therapeutic value. I spent a lot of time wondering about this and I have a lot to say about the euphoric side-effect, as you'll see.
The euphoria felt like a vacation from my symptoms – especially anhedonia. Only a 40 minute vacation and a drug-induced one at that but I can't complain. I believe that going on an actual vacation someplace can help alleviate mild depression but for treatment resistant major depression, where symptoms can't be managed, it's near impossible to plan a trip let alone enjoy time away. A lot of people just do not understand this concept: depression is the demon shadow that goes with you everywhere, it's not something you decide to pack. The last actual vacation I went on was for two weeks and it was a disaster.
A 40 minute break from symptoms felt nice but I also believe it was therapeutic. Why? Because I'd forgotten what joy, pleasure or relaxation felt like until they pumped 50mg of Ketamine into my vein. Most mental health professionals push back on that, pointing out how the drug-experienced euphoria of Ketamine is a dangerous path to addiction or at best, a false hope for patients. Well, they can go suck it.
Why'd I write that? Because unremitting anhedonia is life-threatening. No matter what activity I forced myself into, I was checking the time at regular intervals so as to know when I could finally go home and be alone. Anhedonia was binge-watching TV while at the same time playing a game on my phone - not for entertainment but as a desperate distraction from suicidal thoughts. Self-gratifying activities like sex or masturbation were just chores that yield nothing but more frustration and self-hatred.
That is anhedonia. I hope you're feeling me.
Mental health professionals do grasp this intellectually but most don't get it emotionally so for those finger wagging Higher Minds, I prepared this rant: spare me the methodological purity sourced from your good conscience, your professional training, your best intentions and use your finger to plug your mouth-hole closed before it dispenses any more saccharine slogans. If there's no risk of physical dependency, a chemical vacation can be therapeutic for severely depressed psychiatric patients experiencing anhedonia. Yeah, I said it. Blow me away with your Straw Man sliding down a Slippery Slope argument(2).
Right. Now, what about the analgesic and anesthetic effects? They may help one to sink into the experience, especially patients who endure chronic pain daily. The floaty feeling can be pleasant. It would nice if the anesthesia element relieved anxiety but it doesn't, it's only a body sedative .The numbness adds an immobilizing quality to infusion which I don't particularly enjoy, it makes me feel sickly numb. Anxiety about Ketamine infusion is a thing, lots of patients are justifiably frightened of losing control to a drug. I'm told some patients get a dose of the sedative Versed (Midazolam) if they present with severe panic disorder.
Is there therapeutic value in the dissociative effects of Ketamine? From my experiences, I think there is. I've asked Psychiatrists about it. They wonder about the relationship and there's actual research going on to try and determine what - if any - relationship exists between dissociation and the antidepressant effects of Ketamine. I'm interested in exploring the question but that conversation belongs in it's own entry
In the next entry I'll detail my fourth Ketamine infusion, when my soaring confidence airplane got grounded and I had a “bad trip” - a scary, disturbing and revealing dissociative experience. While from another visualization, I drew some insight about why I felt so unfulfilled working in my previous jobs
This has been a bizarre week so far.
The biggest thing...I officially got my severance notice from work. Of course I've known it was coming for a few years now, and I've been conflicted about it for just as long. On one hand, the job of late has been miserable, and I'm tired of being alone all day, every day. On the other hand, I love the women I work with and love having the freedom of being on my own working from home. But the idea that I'll need to go through applications and job interviews and all the panic and anxiety, along with the financial stress, again just kills me.
I'll be getting a decent severance package of 5 weeks pay and a bonus for staying. And my wonderful boss managed to get them to let me keep all of my saved PTO hours instead of them vanishing with the new year, so that's about another three weeks of pay.
My boyfriend's family is taking me on their family vacation to Disney World in February, even though we were separated when they planned it. I'm incredibly touched that they've accepted me into their family.
So I think I'll take the month of January to refresh myself while passively applying for jobs. Then my unemployment will kick in in February, so I can kick it into high gear. I have no clue what I want to do, though.
Bryan and I have been doing a lot of wood crafting together, which has been great! Everyone has loved one of our projects, and we got quite a few orders from Bryan's co-workers, so we started advertising our projects for sale. Our dream is to be able to make a living from selling our arts and crafts, or at the very least have a nice side income from it. So it's really exciting to have a bunch of strangers want our products! In my unemployment, I plan to kick up production enough that we can start selling at craft fairs.
In other news, I sliced my thumb pretty badly the other day when I was chopping carrots for beef stew. So badly that I considered going to the ER for stitches, but I couldn't drive myself and everyone I knew was at work. Bryan bandaged me up, but we changed the dressing today, and oh my god...it is a terrible gash. It's going to take a long time to close up. Having an immobile thumb is really tough and I've been filled with so much anxiety over it. I keep imagining it getting a serious infection, or dying and needing to be cut off, or losing all feeling in it forever. It's probably not that bad, but you all know how an anxious, hyperchondriac mind works.
At least my car passed inspection and has brand new tires on it. It's been an expensive journey, but it's going to help me get through the winter with less anxiety.
And finally, I'm on day two of tapering off Zoloft. It's been going seemlessly. But of course, I think that might have something to do with my inconsistency in taking them these last few months. I wanted to taper off with the loss of my insurance once I'm laid off so that I didn't have to worry about the expense of buying the pills and psych visits. But I AM worried with how I'm going to cope with the loss of my job and finding another without that crutch.
I dunno. This has been a bizarre week for me. Now tomorrow I have to go pick up Bryan's son from kindergarten and for some reason, I'm extremely nervous about it. Okay, not "some reason," but it's a new experience, which terrifies me. I've been a sort of step parent to the kid for almost four years, and picking him up from school is scary???? I hate how my mind works.
I think that's the end of my rambling, good and bad. Now, time to drink my Cabernet and TRY to get sleepy.
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The door slams
Now that you've shut that hole
I don't think I'm supposed to he ok with all of this
But this way I don't have to kiss your ass
I just wait and hear
The silence pass
I wait for the chaos
Like thunder cutting the sky
To once again rain down on me
But no refreshing or cleansing water
Comes in your world
There is no such thing in the
world you are God of
But...you fail to remember
or did you ever realize --
I am not and never was your Eve
Okay, now it's time for me to stump anyone who's not from Oklahoma.
I'm going to share a Christmas jingle with you that is uniquely Oklahoma...
If you have lived in Oklahoma for at least a couple of decades,
or better yet, you were born here and lived here most of your life,
you will recognize this jingle as a unique sign that the
Christmas holidays are upon us.....
If you are not from Oklahoma, you'll very likely say
What. The. Actual. F*ck?!
And no, it's not a mistake....
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People will tell you things about yourself that you cannot afford to believe.
They will say and do mean things to you but you got to know you are not
what they say about you. You have the power within yourself to rise above
any hurdle that has been placed in your way. You must be willing to leap
and jump as high as you can to overcome the obstacles that has been placed in
your way. Just jump my friend just jump.
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Was ecstatically happy the last couple of years. Great summer but now it’s december and the weather has been terrible. I’m having some troubles concentrating, twinges of anxiety, indecision and withdrawal. I don’t feel like writing but I wanted to record my mood since I haven’t felt poorly for so long. I’ve eaten grains the last couple of weeks so crazy as it seems I’m wondering if there could be a connection. Not all bad though, many moments of elation mixed in. Hmmm Lots of couch time.
Btw, I had problems getting back into my account so there are entries for the last two years on JRNL.com. Username and password are auto filled
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I'm posting this mainly to cheer myself up a little.
I need a little Misha and Castiel.
I've been on a self imposed hiatus watching them and writing about Supernatural and Castiel.
Don't ask me why, there is no logic to it, whatsoever.
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I work with five women. One is sharp witted old crone but I'll leave her out of it. The crone thing is part obligation, part artifice and I get the feeling she hides behind it because she may very well have things worth hiding. And I like her.
The other four, bless their hearts, are young and varying degrees of callow. Each of them is an administrative assistant. One of them is my administrative assistant; that is, if I can ever find her. She is usually off doing things for other staff despite being counselled about this (see crone above) but it isn’t that I mind terribly much. Not usually, at least.
What she writes is very good and very useful. What she says is another matter, mostly because it is in the realm of shit I don’t want to know about. It is also suffused with all the worldliness of a bright kid that has seen very little of anything off the ribbon that wends its way from work to the family home. The other three are the same and what provokes them is frighteningly ordinary and conflated and just a little cringeworthy. Perhaps I can even be grateful for been thrown into a wide-eyed wilderness when still a teenager. It spared me the drowning these kids do despite never getting wet.
No, not many problems are only problems.
So, the proto-feminist problem on an otherwise level-playing field is I’m the only other chick there. So I get to hear it and hear it and hear it all again, And I tell them. When it comes to their crises, real and imagined, they are weekend cyclists and I am a car door.
My friends count on this. Stangers and workmates (and fellow blogkeepers, for that matter) don’t need to be wandering aimlessly into the world of what I really think.
But if I may be so bold, if it is about a man, why not ask a different man. I don’t mean directly, because that would be futile. I mean indirectly. Carefully. Purposefully. Men, bless this gorgeous species, are at their giving best when they think the drawbridge is up. Ask one properly and they will never remember the question.
It’s not even science.
Speaking of men, my own is now home. Flew in on Sunday quite a bit worse for wear and its odd how he can look five years older and ten years younger all in the same glance.
All he has really done since is sleep. And sleep. I don’t mind. He can sleep until Christmas if that’s what he needs. But if he wants to be the lion of the house, he can wake up and have sex, then go back to sleep.
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So! We're getting the ball rolling for our elopement/wedding and honeymoon plans. Now we're pretty far settled on St Lucia in the Caribbean, and we're talking to a wedding planner. We're looking at the Sandals all inclusive package vacation/wedding deal, so now we just need to settle on dates and a room! We're looking into May. SO EXCITING!!!! Weird thing though -- they require that you arrive 3 business days ahead of your wedding date, OR you can pay $300 something for an express date of one business day prior arrival. WEIRD! Oh well. We'll prob pay the $300 so we don't have to wait several days before getting married. I looked up the best months to vacation in St Lucia, and it was determined that May-June is best, so we're targeting May! That's five months away!!! Man, that seems like a long time but it will probably go quickly.
That's the latest and greatest on our wedding plans!
I'm bottoming out today. That's a term we used to use when a car would hit the stops in the suspension after going over a big hump with a full load on board.
The universe is definitely trying to punish me for something today. Probably just for existing.
I'm in a coffee shop and they are playing old tunes from Simon and Garfunkel, as well as the Beatles. It's driving me nuts. Memories of 1969 are flooding back to me and they SUCK. I honestly hate this music. Jenifer Rigby can go to hell and burn.
It doesn't help that I can feel my tonsils swelling up from some virus trying to invade. I can barely swallow and if I do, it really hurts. FML.
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having 4 days off from work made it painfully obvious how lonely i am. I was so bored. i was getting sick of just hanging out with my parents.
for years i tried so hard for the friends and boyfriend with no luck. then i was told that it will happen when it will happen and stop trying so hard....so i stopped. i stopped chasing people in general. and well, now, ive become a very extremely lonely individual. i guess a family was just never in my cards.
im so sick of coming home to an empty house, sitting at the kitchen table and looking up and seeing no one. no conversation, the quietness is stifling. im sick of my daily walks by myself. im just sick of my life. its not fair. i tried so hard for so long to not let the depression k*ll me, i held on so tight and for what? a life of solitude? I kept telling myself things would get better, that i would get thru this, that i shouldnt off myself and just look where all that got me. not only did life not get better but it managed to get worse...everyone moved on, progressed with their lives and here you are, alone still struggling.
i cry myself to sleep and yet still tell myself that maybe someday everything will be ok. why? lets face it, this is it. this is as good as it gets. this life is clearly a punishment for something. This must be gods plan, as ive asked, begged, and pleaded for a chance to be a mom.
ive gone to being numb to just being angry at everything. im sick of being patient, im mad, at myself, at god, at life, at this crappy numbing daily routine. i hate my life, i just hate it, i hate myself for creating it. no matter how i look at it....i should of k*lled myself when i had the chance and wouldnt have to deal with all this, or i should of done a better job of fighting the depression and not losing my life to it and causing my life to be this way.
It was the chaos of the unknown that frightened her most. Why wouldn’t she speak, when there was much to say? This was to be the tipping point, from security to deep uncertainty. Into the chaotic unknown, she fell.
She saw him shaking. She felt his heart. She knew.
That was enough, she thought.
That was too much.
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If you only knew that you are not alone. There are so many suffers that are
going through the same kind of things that you are, but the world will never
know because so many people are afraid of what somebody might say about
them or what someone might think about them. But if the truth be told we are
all suffers and we are all making adjustments on how to live from day to day,
So, that we can learn how to live the best life that we can live under the
circumstances that we are faced with on a daily bases.
I wasn't intending on coming back, but ta-da. Here I am. Again.
I can't bring myself to tell my loved one what I'm feeling. Every day they say that they see me improving and getting better than last year, but I know it's not true. I haven't cut or attempted anything, but my depression males me feel invalid. Nothing I do will matter in the end anyway. I'll keep smiling and laughing even though inside I'm in pain and screaming bloody M***** for everything to stop hurting but I feel like I'd be disappointing everybody if I said it. It feels like my chest is ready to cave right in on itself. Even though I'm doing all I can to supress my emotions, I fell ready to rip at the seams.
I had this dream a few days ago. I dreamt that I was running away from my family, they were looking for me, red hot anger and yelling my name. I had a deep fear of being found, so I cut my hair, changed my clothes, and I spoke in a lower voice. And it felt so right.
I could never tell my love this dream I had. It would be insensitive. But since I was little I never understood why gender roles existed, why boys and girls weren't allowed to play with each other or wear certain clothes. You could imagine my parents stuffing my room with princesses and dresses, but I wanted robots and pants and playing with the boys like I was one of them. But I'd always be kicked out because I was a girl, my parents would tell me "It's not right." I couldn't understand.
My brothers made fun of me for growing up, wearing dresses and skirts, being feminine while my relatives would comment on my body. All these new insults would be thrown at me because I'm a girl, because I couldn't be like one of the boys, I couldn't do anything they did. "She's on her period, she's too emotional, because she's a woman." I didn't want to be born this way. I'd still go on to being made fun of for trying to reclaim femininity like it was some kind of gift I should be accepting.
But at the same time, I don't want to be a boy. I don't want to transition or take hormones. I think most of my problems wouldn't exist if I was treated the way I wanted to be growing up. I guess, most of my problems would be seen as small or insulting to others. What do I know; if it were up to me I'd still try to be masculine but in a perfect world I wouldn't be forcing myself into a pigeonhole and make it fit. I'd rather not be any pronouns, not be a boy or girl or nonbinary, or anything. I'm just a dumb kid who doesn't want labels.
...I feel like such an ass.
Friends, this is different than the forums. One person only needs ONE blog. They can come back to it and keep adding to it forever. You don''t need to start a new blog, every time you have something to add, you just need to make a new blog entry.
But, I'm not the boss here, and maybe there is reason for some to need two or more blogs. Just be aware of the difference because if everyone starts a new blog every time they want to add content, it's going to get unmanageable fast. Now, no further from me on that.
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I feel this all the time.
I reach for solitude.
When no one reaches out.
But why should I when I sought solitude all along?
When I want to be away from people.
And want to be alone.
Why condemn people for doing as I ask?
Not that I deserve anyone's love.
I'm a bad friend anyways.
But no one understands me.
and I wish I had someone to talk to that could.
As the title says, and not that anyone cares to read all this to the end. But anyway, this will be my last post on this forum, as a form of my own closure.
I had been here for 8 years, from the age I was 23 before I got married, to when I got married at 26 and as I go through the rough patches of marriage to now I am 31.
I came here cos I was suicidal from the stress and pressures of being in the top school of my country, from failing and ended up going to one of the worst schools of my country, from being molested by my ex-colleague in his own house and he whom I had looked at as a father figure, from rushing into marriage with my first bf that I met when I was 26 out of fear that no one else will like me anyway, from the regret and the signing of the divorce papers and going for marriage counselling, from living and still living with my mother-in-law, from the difficulties of getting impregnated, and the struggles still continue.
The past few weeks I have been scrolling around the forums looking for people I can help. There are already many people here who are already very helpful. And some posts I see, I feel like I wanna help. I really do. I typed out a long paragraph and deleted a few words and repeated that a few times for a few posts but I never posted.
I just don't know how to help. And it kinda hurts. Cos I can't really help them see if they don't see it themselves. That this life is full of suffering. Life is essentially an endless series of problems. The solution to one problem is merely the creation of another. Things go wrong, people upset us, accidents happen. These things make us feel like sh*t.
And I have lived through so much to learn to just stop caring about the things that happened, to stop comparing myself with others, to just accept myself as who I am.
But, I just don't know how to explain it to the people here. If only we can enjoy life like forever without suffering. If only. But life does not work that way. We can't filter life and just take the good without the bad. We are a sum of our experience. Including the s*it that happens.
But I can't tell you to snap out of it, because that's not how depression works. It takes a toll on us and we need to grief and swim in it and struggle in it and almost drown in it, because when we are drowning, that's when our hands do their utmost best to grab anything and everything around them for help. You need to fall so far so deep deep down to that point in which you yourself snap and tell yourself that you are done with all this happening to you, and you are going to take responsibility for your life and do everything in your power to change, including forgiving yourself and your past whether you like them or not.
And if by luck, you get the right help, you get out, but don't imagine it's that easy. And if you're unlucky, you keep swimming around in it until you get lucky. But don't stop swimming. Never. Cos life is one problem after another.
No you don't stop crying either. Because when you stop crying you're no longer living. The key is to keep searching for the ways to have our emotions under control to be able to survive and be happy from solving the never-ending problems in life. Don’t hope for a life without problems. There’s no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems. The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.
So how do I explain all this to everyone? That I got lucky. That I got my emotions under control because I recently have found and I have understand the meaning of life. That I know that every suffering I receive is good. I can't explain it. And of course, this I have to say because it's the main thing that helped me recover from my depression. I found my God, my Creator. And everything else does not matter. It does not. It's really a liberating feeling to just leave it all to Him. To know that everything I receive, I receive it from Him because I can't get anything myself. To know that I have done my very best and I leave the rest to Him. To know that the water I drink in front of me is from Him. To know that the Mother-In-Law shouting came from Him. To know that there is no point to continue a conversation with a toxic person because He understands me and that is sufficient for me. So I live my life for Him, I belong to Him, and everything I do, I do my best as much as He allows me to.
And I can't explain that to the people here. And that's it. Accept it. One of the important skills in life is to accept things that I cannot change. Accept it I will.
But there's so many many great people here and great ideas from the people here, and I really wish they can see it.
Thank you to whoever who reads this and to everyone here who has helped me with my depression, and may we all recover from this painful disease.
And I'll end with a quote from Neil deGrasse Tyson:
"The atoms of your body, are traceable to the stars that manufactured them, in the core of the thermonuclear fusion, inside the cores of stars. And these stars exploded, scattered these elements across the galaxy into the next generation gas clouds, that then collapsed to form star systems, with ingredients that can now make planets, with planets that now have ingredients that can now make life.
We are alive in this universe because our atoms are traceable to the universe itself. The universe is alive within us.
You are special not because you are different from the universe.
You are special because you are the same as the universe."