What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
I’m just scared a lot of times. My hearts been crying for awhile now. But now I am shedding tears through my eyes. Please give me the strength to listen. The strength to believe. I see the changes. Please guide me so I won’t turn back but so I’ll be able to believe. And eradicate doubts and have strength to go over my fear.
Things have happened recently that may mean I end up leaving DF.
I wanted you to know, so you don't think I k*ll*d myself or something, because I know my blog posts have been a little dark lately.
If you don't hear from me, it's because I'm elsewhere, not because I finally gave in.
You guys mean the world to me, I want you to know that.
Two of my favorite scenes.
one day I hope to let go of my dark past and be free of the burden I’ve been carrying since I was a child. I will be okay with all the pain that was inflicted. I can forgive. Let go of my grudge and bitterness. And let my heart smile and let my soul free. I know that everything will be okay.
Trust God and stay calm amongst the storm and just keep going. Staying calm is probably the best thing I can do so I don’t lose clarity of what’s happening. As long as I have faith and stay calm through out when stones are being thrown, ways will be seen or at least I will act in better ways accordingly. Even if it doesn’t seem to be going well, just trust that all will go as his will which is always beneficial, simply stay calm and keep on. Let’s go. 🙏
I know I’ve been given a lot of blessings that I probably don’t deserve. Often I lose sight of all the blessings I have given and I focus on what I want and what I don’t have like a spoiled brat as if I am entitled to everything that I want immediately. I often cause my own misery for losing sight of all the goodness I have been given.
Thank you for all the hardships, heart breaks, confusions, and despair. I know these are given to me so I can grow up to be a more improved version of me. I know I had to go through these for a reason and more of what’s waiting for me. Thank you.
One thing the struggle with depression has left me with is a relatively low tolerance for what I think of as the 'roller coaster ride'. Emotional states that fluctuate - up, down, up, down - it's all really exhausting.
I had another painful experience at work earlier this week. Higher ups had to come in and help settle things. And no, it wasn't me causing the pain. Incidents like these keep happening with one person in particular, and I seem to be a lightning rod for them, unfortunately. It has been such a problem that I have actually been planning my exit; granted that would have been quite a ways away because let's face it, I'm not rich. And yeah, you read that right - I said 'would have been'. Because I had a very encouraging discussion with higher ups that helped give me a second wind in dealing with this situation. So now I feel pretty good about work again.
And silly me is fighting the dread.
Am I the only one who is afraid of feeling good?
There's really no way to explain the special kind of dread that can creep up on good feelings - like gliding, and then you hit the wrong pocket and suddenly you're dropping a few feet with your heart in your throat. It's only a few feet, but when you've fallen all the way to the ground, it can be harrowing.
This whole situation has been teaching me a valuable lesson, though. I have a very strong tendency to internalize things, personalize them, and blame myself. Even when situations or events don't involve me in any way, I somehow still feel like I messed up somewhere. That thinking has made it particularly toxic for working with this particular person, because that person is highly critical. My natural tendency is to blame myself even when I'm not at fault, and they tend to criticize everyone and everything. It's a toxic lose-lose for everyone. And because of my personality, I tend to attract that attention without even trying.
The roller coaster is getting more than a little exhausting, but I am starting to get positive feedback and support from others, and I am starting to learn how to distinguish when things are not related to me at all.
After three Ketamine infusions, what if any improvements to my condition did I notice? To answer that I'll begin with a recap of where I was before treatment.
My baseline emotional state for longer than a year featured many MDD symptoms, such as Anhedonia (loss of pleasure in anything), an acute loss of purpose, despair from lack of therapeutic response to drug treatments and pessimism for my future. I was alive but I wasn't living. The only distinction I drew from experiences was the tolerable from the intolerable and during any social obligation, my goal was to just maintain until it's over. Though there were few obligations I had left. I wasn't working, having been fired from my job a year before and I had no significant other, having put an end to a 3 year relationship in the midst of our couples therapy session (girlfriend: jaw-drop; therapist: jaw-drop; me: wondering if I could somehow melt into the sofa).
Stripped of these obligations, I didn't feel liberated at all. I felt like a ghost of my former self returning to the same activities, coping mechanisms and the same problem behaviors that once supplied some meager nourishment to my troubled existence. They no longer gave me any relief or satisfaction yet still I "haunted" them, I guess because these are habits of the brain.
After three treatments something changed. Anhedonia dissolved. Words were pouring out of me and because I had begun a journal there was someplace for them to go. Suddenly I'm interested in searching for unfamiliar music to assist in the creation of new neuronal pathways. Suddenly there is hope. Experiencing excitement after feeling nothing for so long resembled hypomania and it's a wonder I got any sleep. Was I feeling like Bradley Cooper's character in the TV show Limitless? Nah, not really. Only in the sense that I'd begun to see there were possibilities for me that didn't seem to exist before.
Is Functionality Relief?
Yes, it is. The Ketamine Advocacy Network informed me that I shouldn't expect mood elevation so soon after beginning treatment, rather I might notice an increase in “functionality” – meaning, the ability to do stuff. I did notice what seemed like a larger reservoir of energy to draw on for activities. Self-cares, chores were no longer arduous struggles requiring mental energy to fight off impairing, negative thoughts. I felt motivated to set aside time for physical and mental exercise (meditation). I wondered if I should attribute this uptick in functionality to Ketamine therapy or was I was merely convincing myself that it was? You're probably familiar with the placebo effect and other reactivity influencing phenomena(1), anyone who's been on countless medications has experienced it for a week, maybe two. I decided I didn't have to answer that question but instead, just decide how use the functionality for however long it would last.
Improvement in therapy
Like any antidepressant, Ketamine alone isn't enough to tackle major depression. Post-infusion, my time spent in therapy sessions seemed more productive. I felt I could concentrate and participate which resulted in a better grasp of the concepts and how I could apply them. There were some moments of realization, such as how negative thoughts had been left alone to define me for so long.
Are The Side-effects Of Ketamine Therapeutic?
I'm asking if the euphoric, analgesic, anesthetic and dissociative effects have therapeutic value. I spent a lot of time wondering about this and I have a lot to say about the euphoric side-effect, as you'll see.
The euphoria felt like a vacation from my symptoms – especially anhedonia. Only a 40 minute vacation and a drug-induced one at that but I can't complain. I believe that going on an actual vacation someplace can help alleviate mild depression but for treatment resistant major depression, where symptoms can't be managed, it's near impossible to plan a trip let alone enjoy time away. A lot of people just do not understand this concept: depression is the demon shadow that goes with you everywhere, it's not something you decide to pack. The last actual vacation I went on was for two weeks and it was a disaster.
A 40 minute break from symptoms felt nice but I also believe it was therapeutic. Why? Because I'd forgotten what joy, pleasure or relaxation felt like until they pumped 50mg of Ketamine into my vein. Most mental health professionals push back on that, pointing out how the drug-experienced euphoria of Ketamine is a dangerous path to addiction or at best, a false hope for patients. Well, they can go suck it.
Why'd I write that? Because unremitting anhedonia is life-threatening. No matter what activity I forced myself into, I was checking the time at regular intervals so as to know when I could finally go home and be alone. Anhedonia was binge-watching TV while at the same time playing a game on my phone - not for entertainment but as a desperate distraction from suicidal thoughts. Self-gratifying activities like sex or masturbation were just chores that yield nothing but more frustration and self-hatred.
That is anhedonia. I hope you're feeling me.
Mental health professionals do grasp this intellectually but most don't get it emotionally so for those finger wagging Higher Minds, I prepared this rant: spare me the methodological purity sourced from your good conscience, your professional training, your best intentions and use your finger to plug your mouth-hole closed before it dispenses any more saccharine slogans. If there's no risk of physical dependency, a chemical vacation can be therapeutic for severely depressed psychiatric patients experiencing anhedonia. Yeah, I said it. Blow me away with your Straw Man sliding down a Slippery Slope argument(2).
Right. Now, what about the analgesic and anesthetic effects? They may help one to sink into the experience, especially patients who endure chronic pain daily. The floaty feeling can be pleasant. It would nice if the anesthesia element relieved anxiety but it doesn't, it's only a body sedative .The numbness adds an immobilizing quality to infusion which I don't particularly enjoy, it makes me feel sickly numb. Anxiety about Ketamine infusion is a thing, lots of patients are justifiably frightened of losing control to a drug. I'm told some patients get a dose of the sedative Versed (Midazolam) if they present with severe panic disorder.
Is there therapeutic value in the dissociative effects of Ketamine? From my experiences, I think there is. I've asked Psychiatrists about it. They wonder about the relationship and there's actual research going on to try and determine what - if any - relationship exists between dissociation and the antidepressant effects of Ketamine. I'm interested in exploring the question but that conversation belongs in it's own entry
In the next entry I'll detail my fourth Ketamine infusion, when my soaring confidence airplane got grounded and I had a “bad trip” - a scary, disturbing and revealing dissociative experience. While from another visualization, I drew some insight about why I felt so unfulfilled working in my previous jobs
I really enjoy reading and replying to comments left on my blog. I'd really like to see how I'm doing, and if I'm affecting people the right way. I want to be an inspiration, not a hinderance.
If I ever get 'out of the way', I hope someone will remind me to stay on track. But I try not to get that way.
By the way, Christmas is coming and I'm happy about that. I love holidays. I've bought gifts for all my loved ones except I need to buy mom something else. I just got her a dragonfly kitchen towel. I want to get her something nice but she won't let me. Maybe I'll make her a card, and sneak to buy her the gift I was going to and maybe she'll accept it if it's already bought. 🙂
I've been seeing flamingos a lot. I looked it up and they symbolize Confidence. Such a coincidence, because my Spirit Life Coach talks about Humble Confidence. I think my angel is trying to tell me that too. I know the Universe is communicating. I just need to be more aware so I can catch all the signs I can and put them together.
I want to be more positive. I am more positive than I used to be. Tons more. And I'm thankful that I can feel and be that way. Being thankful, showing gratitude is a good way to show the Universe that you appreciate what you have, and what It's done for you. I keep a gratitude journal. And try to keep an attitude of gratitude. Always being thankful for everything good in my life.
I walked 25 minutes yesterday morning, we went to the store and I walked, then I came home and walked 10 more minutes on treadmill. My goal is 45 minutes a day. But I think I overdone it yesterday. If I go to the store, I don't need to walk twice a day.
I've been eating more fruits the past year, fruits and vegetables and now when I eat meat, I can't finish my food anymore. And I've been getting hungry but only for fruits and veggies... I crave grapes a lot and when I don't have any, I don't feel like eating. Last year, I opened all my chakras, and I think I done it again this year. I know I felt my 3rd eye open; the pressure in the forehead and top of the head... I had a strange dream about Aliens coming into my room and putting something to my ear with 4 beeping sounds, and I heard their speaking and it sounded like gurgling squeaky voices.
I noticed how many people have viewed my blog here. Many! I'm surprised and happy for that. I'd like to encourage people more though. And help them out more. I just wish that many people would look at my items on Ebay when I sell there lol 🙂
5 things that loneliness tells you
1. It leads you to the right relationships.
2. It brings your focus within.
3. It awakens your divinity and pointes to your purpose.
4. It reconnects you to Spirit.
5. It shifts your belief systems (BS) and past life issues.
7 Hermetic Principles the Chakras associated with them, and what they mean:
1. Mentalism, crown, purple: The All is mind; the universe is mental.
2. Correspondence, 3rd eye, indigo: As above, so below. As below, so above. As within, so without.
3. Vibration, throat, blue: nothing rests; everything vibrates.
4. Polarity, heart, green: Everything is dual; (everything has two parts) everything has poles; everything has its pair of opposites.
5. Rhythm, solar plexus, yellow: The pendulum-swing manifests in everything; the measure of the swing to the right is the measure of the swing to the left; rhythm compensates.
6. Cause and effect, sacral, orange: Every cause has its effect; every effect has its cause.
7. Gender, root, red: Gender is in everything and everything has its masculine and feminine principles; gender manifests on all planes.
12 Universal Laws
1. Divine Oneness: everything, everyone in the universe is connected. All comes from the same source.
2. Vibration: nothing rests, all vibrates. Everything changes and nothing stands still. Here on earth, the highest vibration we can attain is that which they call Enlightenment.
3. Action: With Law of Attraction (LOA)… thoughts/prayers are not enough, They must be accompanied with the corresponding actions. Knowledge alone is not power. You can't just sit at home and pray for things to change, or wait for the right conditions before you act. You have to take the first steps on faith alone and if you do, the Universe will do the rest.
4. Correspondence: As within, so without. To change the world, change yourself.
5. Cause and Effect: (Karma) "Every action or thought has an equal or opposite reaction".
6. Compensation: Balance, harmony. We are rewarded for any past acts of kindness or love. No good deed is left unrewarded.
7. Attraction: Like attracts like. Whatever your focus your thoughts and energy are on is what you attract.
8. Perpetual Transmutation of Energy: each of us has the ability to change the circumstances of our lives.
9. Relativity: All things are comparable... Nothing is good or bad unless we make it so. Nothing in our lives has any meaning unless it relates to us.
10. Polarity: everything that exists has an opposite. As all things in the Universe are One (the same), then nothing can be different - hot is the same as cold, pain is pleasure, just at different ends of the spectrum. It is only our perception of them that changes.
11. Rhythm: what goes up, comes down and compensates. By remembering that the pendulum always swings back, we can view the events in our lives in a more balanced way.
12. Gender: all has masculine and feminine, both vital and equally important; nothing happens instantly. Two parts to this law: 1) Yin and Yang, male and female, both vital and equally important. Must be balanced. Goal is to experience both. 2) Nothing happens instantly. Everything has a gestation period, even thoughts.
Law of Probability: Sub-law to the law of attraction (Correspondence): When we shift from our old reality to the new one, it is done gradually in small, incremental dimensional shifts. The Universe will begin to synchronize with whatever we already have in our lives.
Things happen gradually. Things improve gradually.
Probability of winning lottery? Slim to none. But if you don't even buy a ticket, what is the probability? None.
Nothing endures but change.
The truth can't be told. It has to be realized.
If you haven't already, you must read the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's great!
If there’s no enemy within, the enemy outside can’t hurt you.
Lose focus, lose opportunity.
The day you plant the seed and the day you eat the fruit are very different.
Fall more in love with the process, not just the destination.
Watch your words. Trust the Universe. Be patient.
Being patient is not about inactivity. It’s about radical action, knowing that the seed you plant today you will not see the fruit of it for a while. But still being okay with it.
Fear and Love.
Know yourself. Get a better relationship with yourself. Love yourself 100%, and others will love you.
You gotta do it to move it. To get the ball rolling.
Be patient and create everyday knowing that one day you will be where you want to be.
Don’t tell people your plans, show them your results.
There are no mistakes, only stepping stones.
Have tunnel vision. Know where it is you need to go, focus.
Don’t worry or care what others think about you. Because you know how you’ve changed your life for the better.
An alchemist (like myself) are people who make the best out of the worst.
Accept you can’t change / control everything.
LEARN FROM MISTAKES.
Our perceptions create our feelings and beliefs.
Feelings and beliefs, our behaviours.
Behaviours, experience. Experiences reinforce a reality (what we perceive, how we feel).
Whatever you want, feel, believe, speak and act as though it’s true and that you’ve already got it.
There's more, and I should have elaborated on some of these, but this is just what I had written in my note book.
I'll try to add more notes later, if I can remember next time I get on here. I hope I will.
Three things I wanted to talk about in my blog tonight. I think I spoke too early about the depression lifting, however, I believe it's due to a medication interaction now. So I know what to avoid. I keep telling myself this is only temporary, and that the depression will pass, as it does always.
There was a person on here who's signature had a quote in it that goes along with the other synchronicities I've been experiencing in my life. You know things that seem too coincidental to be a coincidence? That's called a synchronicity.
Lately I've been buying too many books online. I need to read what I have, I usually look at them or skim over them, but not sit down and read cover to cover, I have trouble doing that, not enough focus. The 'voices' talk and distract my concentration. But I want to read them so badly. I'm trying meditation and will continue. It seems to clear my mind more and all.
Also, exercise - I've been getting a lot lately, and hoping I"m losing the weight so my doctors will quit getting on me. They tell me I'm too fat, but then give me medications that cause it, but tell me it's my fault. Wow.
I fell out of bed the other day and hurt my shoulder. It's getting better slowly, but I gotta see my spine doctor on Monday. They will be asking about my right neck / shoulder where I got the injection. I'd hate to tell them I fell out of bed and hurt that same shoulder.
I'm really wanting to read a book that's looking at me now saying "read me... READ ME!!"
Doing better: The depression is going away some now. I can think clearer. Now I don't want to take abilify, I'm afraid it'll change things again. I'm only on 5mg. Maybe I can just take it when I things get really bad. I don't like medicines like that; I feel like I've lost a best friend when I take them. Nothing synchronizes for me, and I don't see my signs to tell me "everything's okay". I also feel like I'm finally losing more weight. I don't need to take it anymore. I don't want to.
Things lining up: I've seen many of my numbers lately, and today I even seen a quote that I had heard somewhere else. Everything is lining up! The Universe is for me! I know it. 🙂
Confidence. I looked up the meaning of flamingos because I've seen them a lot lately. It means confidence. Strangely, the word "confidence" has come up a lot too lately. Wow! I think I'm getting the message. 🙂
I get so happy to see when things line up. I know I"m on the right path when I do.
I’m prepared to face oppositions over and over again. While stones are thrown at me consistently I will use this great opportunities to work on finding peace and smile as I fend off these attacks. With the strength and guidance given from God, I know I am and will do great in this amazing life. I’m ready. Let’s get it.
This has been a bizarre week so far.
The biggest thing...I officially got my severance notice from work. Of course I've known it was coming for a few years now, and I've been conflicted about it for just as long. On one hand, the job of late has been miserable, and I'm tired of being alone all day, every day. On the other hand, I love the women I work with and love having the freedom of being on my own working from home. But the idea that I'll need to go through applications and job interviews and all the panic and anxiety, along with the financial stress, again just kills me.
I'll be getting a decent severance package of 5 weeks pay and a bonus for staying. And my wonderful boss managed to get them to let me keep all of my saved PTO hours instead of them vanishing with the new year, so that's about another three weeks of pay.
My boyfriend's family is taking me on their family vacation to Disney World in February, even though we were separated when they planned it. I'm incredibly touched that they've accepted me into their family.
So I think I'll take the month of January to refresh myself while passively applying for jobs. Then my unemployment will kick in in February, so I can kick it into high gear. I have no clue what I want to do, though.
Bryan and I have been doing a lot of wood crafting together, which has been great! Everyone has loved one of our projects, and we got quite a few orders from Bryan's co-workers, so we started advertising our projects for sale. Our dream is to be able to make a living from selling our arts and crafts, or at the very least have a nice side income from it. So it's really exciting to have a bunch of strangers want our products! In my unemployment, I plan to kick up production enough that we can start selling at craft fairs.
In other news, I sliced my thumb pretty badly the other day when I was chopping carrots for beef stew. So badly that I considered going to the ER for stitches, but I couldn't drive myself and everyone I knew was at work. Bryan bandaged me up, but we changed the dressing today, and oh my god...it is a terrible gash. It's going to take a long time to close up. Having an immobile thumb is really tough and I've been filled with so much anxiety over it. I keep imagining it getting a serious infection, or dying and needing to be cut off, or losing all feeling in it forever. It's probably not that bad, but you all know how an anxious, hyperchondriac mind works.
At least my car passed inspection and has brand new tires on it. It's been an expensive journey, but it's going to help me get through the winter with less anxiety.
And finally, I'm on day two of tapering off Zoloft. It's been going seemlessly. But of course, I think that might have something to do with my inconsistency in taking them these last few months. I wanted to taper off with the loss of my insurance once I'm laid off so that I didn't have to worry about the expense of buying the pills and psych visits. But I AM worried with how I'm going to cope with the loss of my job and finding another without that crutch.
I dunno. This has been a bizarre week for me. Now tomorrow I have to go pick up Bryan's son from kindergarten and for some reason, I'm extremely nervous about it. Okay, not "some reason," but it's a new experience, which terrifies me. I've been a sort of step parent to the kid for almost four years, and picking him up from school is scary???? I hate how my mind works.
I think that's the end of my rambling, good and bad. Now, time to drink my Cabernet and TRY to get sleepy.