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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
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    • 5,871 views
 

Return to centre

Everything is always in the centre. Brain to be protected from skull, heart to be protected from ribs, jam to be hidden in donut...I was looking at mountains the other day. It was late peaceful autumn afternoon and I was figuring out how I'd paint the shapes and colours of the foot of our highest rock and it occured to me- it was all in the centre. Triangles to meet in one blur point in the distance. Woods were spreading like legs from the big mountain and it looked like woman giving birth. I re

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Living? Or Idling...

This is the first time I've actually had to FORCE myself to begin to type...Other times the words have just flowed so easily, and even if they don't make sense they spit out faster and faster...My despairing isn't so bad anymore. Somehow my body's flicked a switch, and instead of having the constant ups and downs, incredible highs and lows, I feel nothing. Today in counselling, first time back since the flop of the therapeutic community last week (went for a visit to the community- lasted 1 out

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Badmouthing 11/1/05

My kids had an awesome Halloween. We Trick-or-Treated with our neighbors and some friends and hit every house within a one-mile radius. Their little bags were spilling over. Every time my 3-year-old came away from a house he would yell, "This is the BEST Halloween!" Hilarous. Unfortunately, all of us parents had something to drink after our kids night out was over. My ex-SIL was there (the one I'm close to), and there was a lot of EX and Pinkie bashing done by all of us. Then I realized that my

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Self-Loathing

Why do I have this screaming urge to break up with the best thing that ever happened to me? He was the only one willing to put up with all my craziness. He's still willing.And yet he annoys me to no end.Is this some kind of episode I'm having? He ditched me today to go to some barbecue with his friends. Shouldn't I be annoyed? Or am I being a brat?I'm just so depressed I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be alone. But at the same time I need someone to take care of me.Or should

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Mini updates 10/30/05

Clocked 10 good hours of sleep last night (thanks, Ambien). Feel better about Grandma K thanks to the people here at DF. I hope to see her very soon.Mother feels better. Pinkie is apparently making an *** out of herself with in-laws (by being an annoying twit). People are recovering a little bit from the hurricane and getting some power back (yay). Looking forward to Halloween tomorrow with the kids. Youngest is going to be Robin (like Batman and Robin) and the other Yu-Gi-Oh (for those without

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Art Therapy

Heres a link to most of my art therapy images from the TC. Take care when you view them, as some may be considered triggering (especially if you figure out what I was meaning by them). I was in a hella state sometimes during my 2 years at the TC. Eileen

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Clock change waltz

things don't always turn out the way you think they might. clocks changed today and adjusting my watch altered the date on it as well. bugger. even with therapy I think you fix one thing and something else goes wonky. this is a non-entry really. :baaa:ps just playing with attaching a Gallery to the entry. Wow. ee

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Break Up.

I dont know where to start.... I was just crying in the bath and now I just feel kind of numb. And tired. Last night was the halloween party. It was really good fun, nearly everyone dressed up and partied. Robert spent the night glued to his best mates hip and my mum asked me who is he going out with? and i just shrugged so she took it up with him and had a bit of a go. Then Robert my cousin and I went to my room so my 7 year old cousin could show us her dance. Then J and robs best mate came in

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Could it be

Well you said you needed to findThe essential you`re missingWell I thought I knewThe essential in which I was believingCould it just be That we`re all breathingCould it just be That we`re all hurtingWell could it just be that we`re all mistakenAnd that believing and missing Are just other words for hurting and breathingDo you think you`re aloneCould it be that we`re all aloneCould be

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Insomnia 10/28/05

I have had really bad insomnia since EX left. I have sleeping pills but can't use them every night, so on nights like this I am up and around and thinking. When it's late like this, I tend to focus on the negative. My finances are getting worse, my mother is getting worse, my loneliness is getting worse. The best things in my life are my two beautiful children, and since I'm not taking good care of myself I wonder how good my care is of them. I'm afraid of making a mistake and my EX's family mak

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Elizabeth

My Grandma died yesterday. She was 88 years old and loved her life. My grandmother wasn't just a sweet grey-haired old lady that I only saw at Christmas. She helped raise my brothers and me on the family farm. We were just as apt to have supper at Grandma's as we were at home; it just depended on where we finished the day's work.Grandma was a 'village girl' who taught elementary school, after she married Grandpa she moved five miles out of town to the farm where she would spend the rest of h

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bored.....

Bored, bored, bored.......last night I was raving insane, wracked with worry that I will have chronic back pain from stupid adhesions forever......I was ready to check out, not willing to live with chronic pain, I'm a big woosie baby and I can't deal with things like that........and we Still don't know what the hell that 3 inch mass on my left ovary is......doc will 'get back to me' on Tuesday, as she is on call at hospital maternity rounds this week.......I finally took some pain killers and we

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session with T: goals and expectations

Had a session with T yesterday. She helps me see in a positive light what initially seem like my meagre triumphs. She's good for me I've set some small goals and expectations for myself, with her guidance, for the near future:- take a little more initiative in social relationships. Call and invite once in a while, as well as continuing to say yes to invitations that are extended to me- continue to tie up lose ends from the divorce and from living on my own We did an anxiety reality check: I m

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Thursday?!

Well, I am sleeeeeepy. It is cold outside. Cold inside, my hands are cold. I had a great visit with my friends the last couple days. Lot of fun. The break was good, too. Not much else to say right now. Cept I would really like to go home and crawl back into my nice warm bed. It's so hard to get up when it's cold and gloomy outside. I like this guy:

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counsellor

my sister saw her counsellor the other day, the same one i had which isnt allowed but somehow it happened. strange. my sister said she cried buckets and it turns out she held back on being depressed then because my mum was dying at the time from being so depressed and starving herself and i was extremely ill with major depression anxiety and ocd. she felt she had to be strong and be the only normal person in our family. i got tears in my eyes listening to her cos she said she spoke about my mums

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Intro to me...

Wow..It's strange how life can change so much in a matter of months- this time last year I was doing great, having beaten my depression once before, and back at another university for a fresh start. Now? Well, I'm just... here. in my bedroom, on the laptop, 24/7 pretty much. I no longer have any wants, needs, desires, and my mood swings are getting worse. So much so in fact that I end up cutting myself pretty much every day, and they're not pretty... I've just given up smoking, my therapist wa

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my SIL

My brother M's wife had a growth removed from her face. Been there for years, but just recently started growing. Got an e-mail today that it was cancerous......I so wish M were here to take care of her........

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Quite a relief

Today I feel quite emptyAnd that`s quite a reliefI don`t feel any anger, any rage, any hatred for youI don`t feel any hatred, any rage, any anger at meToday I feel quite emptyand that`s a reliefI don`t feel any love for youThat`s quite a reliefI feel relief for today`s emptinessCause tomorrow I might be full of youAgain

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scapegoat

my parents have both spent 120 pounds on a new phone each and both are in debt then they have the audacity to blame me for their money worries cos they say i owe them 60 quid when i only owe them 40. my sister says theyre looking for someone to blame. i wouldnt mind but its the fact that i dont have a job, i have mental illnesses, and it seems like im the easiest person to blame. well gee you know im so sorry my mum likes going out and buying things and im sorry theyre both in debt the 60 pounds

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Things to do when I am suicidal

What to do when I am suicidal/very depressed!Phone/talk to : 1) Phone Brodie Ward, RCH2) The Samaritans. 24 hrs. Tel: 08457 90 90 90 , e-mail : [email protected]) Welfare Officer, Counselling & Welfare Service, Scottish Executive. Working hours. 4) Employee Assistance Programme (ICAS). 24 hour. 0800 587 5670.5) GP or Duty Doc at GP Surgery. Office hrs. Tel: 634345.6) NHS 24, GDocs and ask to speak to CPN, evenings/weekends. 08454 24 24 24. 7) Friends (Colin, Louise, Ally)8) Distract my

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