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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
    • 16 comments
    • 5,069 views
 

Dear Brenshay 10/12/05

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your ex-husband does not love you anymore, not even a little bit, and he hasn't for a long time. He made up his mind to leave you long before he got the guts to do it. He was just waiting around for a backup (aka Pinkie) because he couldn't survive on his own. If he and Pinkie ever break up, he will not be coming back to you. He has moved on. You have tried everything possible to get his attention, but not one thing has worked. You got a tattoo. You cried. You yelle

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tragedy

I just found out that my dear friends' son killed his girlfriend and then unsuccessfully attempted suicide. I don't know how they will come through this. The girlfriend had 2 children, now without their mother; my friends are afraid they have lost their son. He and my daughter grew up together, used to go camping with their fathers. It is just such a tragedy!

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A Confession

I wrote this in the journal room of DF and since it was quite recent, decided that it belongs up here with the new entries.There is another reason why my depression is pulling me down. And it is something I will never admit to anyone outside of my friends here at DF.I love my boyfriend Joty with all my heart and I see how he tries so hard. Deep inside, I'm sure he's just as scared as me. Even more. He doesn't know to handle this depression any more than i do.I do so badly want to settle down a

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Midnight thoughts

Just been trying to get to sleep and the following thoughts came through my mind: I can't believe when people say they like/love me. Even to the extent that someone I was close to at the TC, who has now left and I met weeks ago, I coulldn't belileve that he likes me (not in a sexual way). People can say it over and over again and I can't believe it. That makes me cry. :tear3:i need reassureance that I am doing ok at my job, at my voluntary work at anything. Saw something on TV just 1/2hr ago

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Wet Tuesday

Have noticed that if you forget to PUBLISH an entry in a blog and then go and do it after you have published other entires, they get all out of order. So reading my BLOG might confuse people . Oh well, if you're confused, so am I. TC went kind of ok today. I've got into a kind of 'Hide the Shortbread' game with another TC member. The amount of shortbread we go through is large, cos now its no longer just me eating the shortbread. Shortbread is gooood. Imagine Homer Simpson rubbing belly. I

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The Martyr 10/11/05

S. ended up sending a pretty harsh e-mail to EX blasting him for sharing his personal life with Pinkie, and she told him he needs to leave me alone. He wrote her back and included this paragraph..."I have been in a very difficult position with all of my family andfriends from the very beginning, but since I put myself here, I cannotcomplain and just have to take it. I have lost all of my friends becausethey only hear one side of the story and it is a sad story, again I donot complain because I d

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Hitting the Fan 10/11/05

My best friend since high school (call her S.) is furious with EX over the events of last week. Here's a small sampling..."I know he doesn't get this, but you must realize that he is putting you back on an emotional course that can lead straight to the hospital again. I have never (since this all started) felt more like emailing him and telling him to leave you the hell alone than I do right now. What a selfish F$%@$& Barsteward! You are supposed to comfort him as he gives this other girl t

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To all the unwitting victims of my moods

This is an apology to all those who have been subjected to the outlashes of a moody Biotch. Forgive me for writing it, Im too much of a coward to say this to your faces. I have to go through life afflicted with severe depression and anxiety disorder. This leaves me scared, angry, frustrated, tired, defeated, and obviously very sad. At the moment I have yet to learn to tame this great beast. It has not revealed it's true nature to me and I have not yet learned to transcend this. It has me in

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Triggers 10/10/05

This afternoon, somebody else on another forum wrote that while she was able to manage her day and do the things she needed to do, she felt an undercurrent of pain and sadness that has never left her since she has been divorced. That really set off a trigger for me, and before I knew it I was full-out bawling. What she said is so true for me as well. For instance, on Saturday night I had my "townhouse party," which was fun and went really well, but that undercurrent was still present. After last

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Resume

Name EileenSex Female DOB '63Location ScotlandI have suffered depression on and ever since childhood and had a very unhappy childhood (felt alone even in family, not accepted, not wanted, not loved, no friends, bullied etc). First recognizable depression was around 14 years old, first diagnoses at 19. Diagnosed in 2001 with recurring depression (dysthymia it has been called by some drs) and a personality disorder. At that time I started cutting, taking overdoses and attempted s

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meter reader knocks twice

Well today I got to read the report that the director of the TC has written. Basically it says that because of the severe childhood adversities, that I will probably always have mental health problems, according to research into TCs and psychotherapy they are optimistic that I will continue to improve but they can't say how well it will be; also that I will need continuing support/follow up once I leave the TC. Can't remember much more. I had asked the director to word the report in a way t

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Sunday Blues

Its Sunday and its that usual Sunday Blues. I do have things I could be doing; the dishes, the flat etc but I just can't get the motivation to do these things. Been online for a few hours, made some posts here at DF.

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Sept 14 - Sept 29 2005

Eileen, what do they mean by 'medical retirement'? I wish I could help you to not feel so bad.....for what it's worth, here's my hot sweaty 90-degree hug (((((((((Eileen)))))))))Tell us what's going on! firelizardee Sep 15 2005, 04:49 PM medical retirement - too ill to do the job at that grade. dan Sep 15 2005, 05:33 PM Aaaahhh, what a way to have the rug pulled from under you. It's an ill wind that blows no good, so something better may yet come out of this deal......but what a blow to

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Aug 24 - Sept 13 2005

The EC has brought in a working time directive which limits the number of hours that people can work. This affects Junior Drs and the hours that they can work. Because of this the Royal Cornhill Hospital (my local psych hospital) are stopping people from just presenting themselves at the reception and asking to see a psychiatrist, they have to go through their own dr (GP) or the emergency services. But if like me you are thinking what of the people who are already outpatients, the hospital

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June 20 - Aug 24 2005

Jun 20 2005, 05:42 PM anxiety is likely to be due to stopping the risperidone last wednesday. Anxious to the point of tears. obeyURthirst Jul 21 2005, 06:31 AM Ok... now I know why you said you haven't been feeling well. I'm sorry you're about your anxiety attacks. I can't relate cuz I've never had one but a couple of my friends complain about their anxiety and I feel so bad for them. I hope you feel better. Maybe you just need to get some rest? -------------------- fire

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june 19th 2005

jkm, dan thank you. I did enjoy most of the evening last night. I left early and didn't go with the others on to a pub after the meal.I've a problem with my gum or teeth, feels like it might be an abscess or something. Still feeling anxious and upset today. Just staying in, not going out for a walk.

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June 18 2005

got up feeling very anxious this morning. I just feel that things are piling up physically and mentally. I just seem to collect things and can't get rid of them. Paper, boxes, things, dirty dishes and all the mental detritus. Bought a new cell phone but why did I do that cos I don't talk to many people. I have it just in case but then I worry, worry, worry about buying it and what do I do with the old phone. Problems, problems. And then today looks like the weather is good and I'm thinking

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June 12 2005

my computer got a system error on Thursday and I had to get the hard drive reformatted and everything reinstalled on it. I got so overwhealmed by it cos I can handle one problem/one thing at a time, but this was just too much for me. Too many problems at one time and I go to pieces. Now I'm getting things back together but I'm still anxious about the pc and its vulnerability.

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June 2 2005

now coming off Risperidone and its not being replaced with anything. Had a meeting with my boss and a HR person at my work. The psycho-social nurse came with me. It didn't go too bad although when I asked if my boss wanted me back at work, the HR woman went on about how it would all depend on a report by the occupational health dr. My take on the meeting is that a job is available but not necessarily back in the same place. I don't think they can do that but I need to check it out with m

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May 15 2005

On Wednesday I phoned my boss and arranged to go in and 'see' him in 3 weeks time. He said he'd check it was ok with Human Resources. They phoned me back after 5pm to say it was ok and a quick chat. Then on Thursday the psycho-social nurse and I did a drive-by of my work - we stopped for a few minutes and just chatted about the place - to see how I felt. It did feel weird but i didn't get upset. Folk at the TC think I should do this more before I go to the meeting. I'll have the psycho-so

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anxious

I'm feeling very anxious. Don't know what its about. Been at home all day, on DF a few hours. Only thing might be that I don't have anything nice to eat. But thats too weird. This doesn't happen often and am wondering whether to take some diazepam. If it gets any worse, I'll end up crying but then I've been crying on and off for the past few weeks or so. Suicidal feelings are back, well not really back, they just never go away. They wax and wane. Much faster than the moon does. I gues

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My nose hurts

For some reason my nose hurts - not inside the nose just around the bridge. I can't think what I've done to it to make it hurt. I have done just the normal things, like sleeping (on my side), blowing my nose. I wear glasses but I haven't knocked those. Its a mystery.

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