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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
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August 6, 2005

Well, the counseling session w/ Fr. Chris was well worth it. Like everyone else, he hasn't experienced depression, so he wasn't super familiar with it. But he shared his frustrations with God too. He was saying "s**t" and *** and so there we were, mouthing off like Bill Murray faking Tourett's Syndrome in 'What About Bob'. (one of my favorite movies, by the way.) We certainly didn't answer the question of suffering, but we blew off some steam and healed some neurons.Tuesday's session w/ t

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August 10, 2005

A rough week. :sadwalk:My brother is on vacation, leaving me to run the feed & seed. And it is just nuts. Anxiety and fatigue are on the rise, but I seem to be keeping up. Barely.But today really sucked. Started last night, actually, when I was a road rage victim. And the guy is screaming, "You're looking for trouble, pal, and you just found it! Just drive away!" :taz:And I did, but slooowly.....he was a big guy, but I coulda kicked his ; with one punch to his sunglasses he'd have bee

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August 11, 2005

No, Dizzy, you didn't trigger me at all....I was just telling myself that these things happen to everyone, so it shouldn't be any big deal. But for whatever reason my body has taken a turn for the worse. Anxiety over work, health, and family is overwhelming me again.So discouraging....I thought I had a med cocktail that might work.

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August 15, 2005

Thanks for the attention, everyone. You all make me feel better. Like someone understands!I'm on vacation this week with my new girlfriend, Ann Xiety. Well, it is easing up....no xanax yesterday or today....but I kinda wanna pop one. I just don't because I want to gauge how well my Lex/Wb cocktail works on its own. Not that well, apparently. Might be time to move onto lamictal.Anyway, vacation: it's weird not to have a big trip to take. But I just didn't need the stress. So we're doing

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August 16, 2005

Yeah, Scarlet, I had the Lexapro blahs at 10mg, 20 mg was much better. Could be the anxiety is being ramped up by the WB. And my crummy mornings haven't yet improved, so I'll give WB a little more time to settle. If it doesn't help w/ the morning depression, I'll dump it like my daughter's diaper and try Lamictal. I just hate giving up on anything too soon, 'cause I hate crossing names out of my date book.I agree, a LITTLE anxiety is better than total malaise.

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August 23, 2005

A Daughter Story for Taffycat: We had a great time at Lake Placid! We met our friends under the ski jump towers and took the chair lift up to the top. Daughter #1 (four years old) started to freak out as we approached the load station....ever hold a cat over a pond?....but about halfway up she calmed right down and started to enjoy the ride. Daughter #2 (age 1 1/2) had no fear at all, of course, she was leaning over the lift bar and laughing. My wife was terrified that she was gonna try to

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September 1, 2005

I watch and I wait. :rolleyes:This Lex/WB combo is helping me a lot. By mid-morning I'm feeling almost normal, and by noon I am my old self, confident and ambitious.But ugh....the mornings.The morning depression, while shorter and not as intense, is still with me. A hopeless and despairing way to start every day. And so I wonder -- is this the cocktail I need to be on? Is it going to put me right, so that in a year or so I can go drug free again? Not that I really care so much about being d

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September 8, 2005

Fine, ladies, thanks for asking!Haven't blogged for awhile.....I guess 'cause I'm feeling a bit better (fingers crossed). In fact this morning I hardly noticed Dee Pression at all, and Ann Xiety not since Sunday. Been hard to get to sleep, though, and waking up early again. Weird dreams, too. Last night I dreamed I was walking in a parking garage w/ Eric Idle, who morphed into George Harrison; together we met my wife and sister-in-law for a movie. And here's the WEIRD thing....I dreamed it

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September 11, 2005

:ONNNRRRRRRRRRRAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!!Customer slammed his hatchback shut on my head yesterday before I was finished loading him. !! Cheerfully laughed it off 'til I got inside, then yelled 'F :censored:K!!' in front of another customer while I tried to hold my skull together. (Fortunately she thought it was funny, yet sad.) No blood, but a welt the size of my thumb--not the thumb PRINT, mind you, I'm talkin' about the WHOLE DAM THUMB!Here's the funny thing....I've felt really good for the last tw

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September 17, 2005

Good morning and welcome to the blog, and today's topic is music. I'm listening to Duran Duran's greatest hits and I'm having an absolute blast! I'm feeling sixteen again, young and confident, a head full of feathered hair and a 29" waist inside some acid washed jeans.....anyway, back to the music......have you noticed that kids today listen to the worst crap? Yeah, yeah, I'm a geezer. Pop music was killed by the boy bands (wait...was Duran Duran the first boy band?), country was killed by t

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September 21, 2005

Woke up w/ some morning depression, like I wasn't up to the day's challenges. Which was a step backwards because I'd been enjoying a symptom-free week and catching up on my sleep.It could just be some lingering suck from a bad dream I had....I left the feed & seed for an hour or so, to take care of some business, and when I came back the computer had a Mongo Virus. Also the cash register was broke and the phones were out. And customers were piled six deep at the counter and no one was ser

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October 11, 2005

Wow. Am I still here? Okay.Got a lot of updating to do. It's been another tough weekend. Lilo and Stitch are both sick again. Started on Friday night; I took my girls out for dinner and Stitch was off her feed. She started to feel warm, so we got our food to go and headed for home. Stitch is prone to febrile seizures when her temp spikes sharply, so my wife and I kept a nightlong vigil. Sure enough, on the way to the pediatrician, Stitch has a seizure -- stops breathing, foaming, jerking, etc. W

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October 11, 2005

I will, Jill, thanks. I've been pleased that I haven't felt the need for a xanax (or one of Stitch's valium suppositories yuck.gif ) I've been the tower of serenity, actually.And on another positive note, my appt. with the gastroenterologist went fine. Liver panel was just a bit high, but well on its way down from spring. She expects it might have been some residual damage from mono. So I probably won't die from liver failure, after all.HOWEVER I've gained eight pounds in 3 months. Already my fa

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Inapropraite things we say when we're drunk

I'm going through a tought patch. I'm completely drunk. And I made the mistake of asking a former quasi-botefriend if he had even one itoa of feeling towards me. He bever answered. It hurts like hell.I know, I know, unfair to Joty. But some days I just reallyfeel like ending it with him. And i thought ex might have had feelings for me still.He didn't answer so apparently not. hurts like hell. He used to be crazy in love with me. Guess that's over

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ex

My ex called tonight on my behalf, no hidden agenda that I can see. He was concerned about a copy of a financial document he received that's ambiguous, and if it's incorrect and my lawyer approves it, it could cost me a bundle of money. It won't make any difference to HIS settlement. It was a nice gesture, since it's no skin off his back. I think so poorly of him, and then he does something nice like this. Part of me doesn't want to be thankful to him. I'm not ready to forgive him for bailing ou

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What goes up....

must come down.not that i feel too down any more, the ffffarm cheered me up. basically i feel the only time i see my bf is when hes with his mates. and i dont feel i am being treat how i should be (said in a non arrogant way). hes never taken me to the cinema, out for a meal, brought me a rose, anything. hes really close to his best mate and spends a lot of time with her. i do like her too. a lot. we get on great. thing is, im not dating her am i? and i want to explain this to him.... but i cant

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Feeling more "up" today.

Hey! Todays been OK, woke up pretty early and felt rough from the lack of sleep due to being upset about Robert who has apologised for what he said. Spent a few hours last night texting my friend Dan who lives near London, we did plan to go to uni together but hes been a bit low recently and hasnt sorted his Uni stuff out yet. Its a shame he doesnt live near me, we get on so well and he makes me laugh.I didnt have any plans for today cos I had to stay in and wait for a parcel but once that cam

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Feeling hurt.

Rob called me tonight to say he was thinking about breaking up with me. Well, gee, thanks for that mate! Its because my best friend dislikes him and stirs up trouble but if we both say we dont want to hear it it will be stopped wont it? I was stunned as he spoke and didnt say much but when the conversation was over I became angry, because I felt like Id been spoken to like a naughty child on a warning. Its not my fault they dont get on! I feel in a way he has a point but I also feel like he woul

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moody day

neck sore. Been in a bit of a mood all day. Didn't want to get up. Got annoyed at Psycho Drama Therapist, called him a dictator. Got p***** off at everybody at the TC today for not getting to a meeting on time. something else happened that got my paranoia going.

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Relationships

Cat asked me how it feels to be with someone for two months so I guess I'll write how I feel about relationships. Im not a fan of them, well rather I wasnt.... when I was in first school I went out with a boy who used to beat me up, this was when I was 5 to 7 so you know how boys are then but hey it seemed to start a trend. The boy next door moved in, he asked me out when I was 8, nice enough little story huh? Shame he was a psycho who once hit me round the head with a alcohol bottle and nearly

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To the Admin: We Creatures of Habit

Seems a lot of people are very uncomfortable with the new board. I can relate. I'm having a really hard time navigating it right now. And it does make communicating in journals kinda strange and compartmentalized. It did add to the stress and it is partly the reason why I haven't been replying much in other's threads.I would so like to be of help, but I'm feeling a little lost right now. In my life and in these boards.Not to say the admin didn't do a wonderful job. You guys did a fantastic

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Wow we get to title each time we write?

Well here I am, blog number 4 already. I dont understand why we had to move really, seemed a bit pointless, why have a journal room if you cant journal in it? Anyway. Today is D day on my UCAS being sent in with my personal statement which has been described as "lovely" "very good" and "excellent" when most peoples are called crap. Rob called it "unique" because its not boring like most peoples (including his). So what have I been up to? I fell off a roundabout the other day, playing on it with

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friends

Some thoughts on friends........When ex and I separated, I assumed that most of our social group would go with him. He's good at social connections, and I'm not. But our network of friends have felt somewhat abandoned by him, while I've made some small efforts to reach out; and they've been reaching out to me in return. This has been unexpected and greatly appreciated. It would be easy for me to become isolated, and they're not letting that happen. I get occasional calls and invitations from sev

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