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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 16 comments
    • 6,260 views
 

it's my bday

well it's officially my bday. no one has called, but it's still early I guess. everyone has a habit of forgetting my bday. my friend is here though from out of town and I guess she's going to cook dinner and try to throw a little party for me since I can't go out. I hope I have a nice evening.

Tanha

Tanha

 

Another picturistic evening

Well today at work was ok. Didnt have any coffee breaks, but i can live with that. My own choice I had to get my work done. This evening I was going to meet up with some friends because i wouldnt see them for a few weeks. At 7:00 one said she was going to winchester and her best friend couldnt come. No real reason was given to me about this. Then at 7:30 she tried to drag her best friend off her just so i could drink. So didnt see either of them. These two know i how i am. I really wanted

minion

minion

 

boredom

Dilemma: I'm bored, but I don't want to do anything. The depression, anxiety and chronic pain preclude me from working - I'm on Social Security Disability. The depression leaves me feeling lethargic and unmotivated; the anxiety leaves me "frozen"; the pain escalates on those occasions when I do push myself to do some activity, so it's a great un-motivator. I have nothing useful to fill up my days, and with my daughter grown and independent and me being single, there's nothing to fill up my eve

lizard

lizard

 

!!!!

EVERYTHING'S OK!!!! It's a GIRL!!!!! iknewitiknewitiknewitiknewitiknewit i knew she was a she!! ahem... i still stand beside my previous entry...

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

it's almost my bday

well Dec 17 I'll be 25. woo fricken hoo. I'm a little miserable at the moment thanks to my injuries and I can't do much of anything for my bday, xmas, new years, etc. I might have a couple of friends come over Sat night just to hang out since I can't do anything. I hope they can come.

Tanha

Tanha

 

I just realized I had no tattoo entries!

I'm thinking of getting my 18th tattoo. This one is small and I'm thinking of putting it on my arm. It's a little birdie...very cute. Don't want to describe it all the way yet til I get it so you'll have to wait. :-P let's list my tats so far music clef with rose through it butterfly tribal heart star saggitarius sign, bow and arrow music note with a rose on top of it dreamcatcher kanji symbol for dream tribal sun floral back piece star and moon piece on foot and ankle moon rose

Tanha

Tanha

 

life changes as life fails to change

fourweeks ago the doc perscribed me some anti depressants. :S i didnt know what to think when he did this. Didnt really think I was that bad. After some umming and ahhing i decided to take them. one week later. I started to cut my self. I dont know why i did. I just broke down. I have not really stopped myself. I have just hurt so many ppl around me. I dont even know exactly how i did it. The doc has doubled my dose recently. I have just seen people i thought were my friends push me away. N

minion

minion

 

mirage of happiness

Well hear i am again. My blog... Well i will try and continue from where i was perviously. I moved in my current housemates in july. We are here until the end of august next year. I met this girl Claire. She was a amazing. We got on really well, i asked her out but she said wait. I pushed her a bit but she just said wait. She went off to do her first year of uni in B'ham a long way from the southampton i live in. I tried to be hopeful. I think i was just still on the rebound. She is the firs

minion

minion

 

A life i never understood

Hi Well this is my first blog entry. I was surgested that writing about my life may give myself some meaning and a way of expressing what is on my mind. Who knows but it is worth a shot and it means i am using both my hands. This will probably make little sense unless you know me, but hopefully with time you will see and understand. How knows this may be my only entry. Well first a bit about me. Looking back at my life i feel that i was never what my mother wanted. This was made clear from

minion

minion

 

Trigger!!!

Wow... Crazy few days... http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/regio...ed050420593.lpf first of all, so you can see just what sh** we put up with from the government. they're such a bunch of t*ssers. That night, after my post, my tension and frustration just wouldn't let go. I didn't even want to reach out for help anymore; I was just in too much pain to bother... So after having had chats to Chris convincing him that I would have to go away and disappear from everything and everyone, I took

SanzeKuhne

SanzeKuhne

 

they like me, they like me not

It is so hard for me when I think someone doesn't like me...it is hard to explain. I guess I just try so hard to be nice to people that I think "how can they _not_ like me?". Of course, never mind that I am hating myself alot of the time...no one else should, dammit! I am getting over this as the years pass. I'm not near so anxious to bend over backwards to make someone else happy no matter how it makes me feel. I no longer feel the need to place everyone else's feelings above my own. (just mo

jillivinilly

jillivinilly

 

Self image

I just spent the last twenty minutes trying (and failing) to force myself to throw up. I'm disgusting. I'm fed up with never being able to be the person I want to be, physically. What skinny nine year old refuses to wear a dress because they are "too fat" for it? What skinny eleven year old makes she she sits next to the largest girl in the classroom to feel less self consciously fat by comparison? Why can't I see myself the same way that everyone else does? When I look back on me then, I know I

roseadage

roseadage

 

On Pins & Needles

Both me and the husband are dying to find out the results of our amnio. We're supposed to get them sometime this week. The suspense is ******* us! We're short with each other, etc. I even had to take a blood test to see if I'm a carrier for certain genetic disorders. Did I mention before that there's a reason why we got the test? Lots of crap on my side of the family. Besides the obvious. I mean mental disorders where the people can barely function. Extremely low IQs, institutionalized after th

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Rough Day

Having a rough day today. I seem to be hanging on by a thread and fighting a sense of impending doom. The fog is fighting to creep into my brain. Some days the battle just feels like it's too much - I can't take it and I can't fake it. On the verge of tears - short of breath - sweaty palms - is it mental or physical? Is this all there is? fighting to appear sane in an insane world? I don't get it. Some days there just isn't enough fight in me. My brains so screwed up I can't even get

Empty

Empty

 

D-day

Well, tomorrow is my last day at the old salt mines. I start at the new salt mines on Thursday. I am going to miss a lot of folks. Heck even some people that I never thought would give a rats butt are saying that they will miss me, etc. I just wonder if anyone will keep in touch with me after I'm gone. I wonder if it's just the usual lip service. Eh well, I have to move on. I'm so dang tired right now. Course I stayed up a bit late. But, I'm always tired. I'm getting really tired of being tire

Muggle

Muggle

 

changing meds

A change in meds can really take a toll. It's been apparent as I taper off the Abilify; my mind and body are in quiet uproar, even though the med never seemed to help me. My mood and energy are all over the map, and it's affecting me physically, too; I suspect it's playing a role in my recent fibromyalgia pain flare (stress of any sort can do that), which has also been weirdly up and down. I tend to isolate, so I've been putting my energies into accepting invitations from people; but this week

lizard

lizard

 

meeting another Borderline

Last week my pdoc finally answered my question as to what type of personality disorder I have. He's been keeping quiet and wouldn't answer me for a period of time (I only asked a couple of times). He's confirmed it Emotionally Unstable aka Borderline Personality Disorder. and from a thread in the PD room comes this entry I made today.

firelizardee

firelizardee

 

Spiralling

Talk about being in pain!! I can't seem to shake the agony I'm in at the moment, and I'm completely unable to place it! Just on friday I found myself wanting to leave TC, and today was the same. The weekend pretty much was all positive, can't really think of anything negative that happened apart from Chris decided to do stretches in his sleep and thus end up on my side of the bed!! Very petty I know, and I realise that a lot of people are gonna judge me for this, but I'm sorry but I need my spa

SanzeKuhne

SanzeKuhne

 

I'm a klutz

I'm so sorry I've been MIA for a couple of days. I fell outside on the ice and majorly hurt myself. I completely dislocated my right knee...then fell on top of it. Hurt my back. Scraped up my hand and it's infected now. I'm on vicodin and motrin. Can't walk. Might need surgery. Shouldn't be on the computer, but I can't sleep. Send love please.

Tanha

Tanha

 

Feeling unwanted (SH, **POSSIBLE TRIGGER**)

It's silly really, I mean I knew it was going to happen. Rachel (my ex) and I are pretty good friends right now. She's a singer and she has a carol concert tomorrow, so I said I'd go along and watch. She asked if I'd like to stop over at hers after to make getting home easier, which was fine with me. Only her parents refuse to have me in the house. Which I pretty much expected, I mean... her stepdad at least despises me and still believes the lies that a mutual "friend" told Rachel earlier thi

roseadage

roseadage

 

no feelings

wow it's taken me about 5minutes staring at the screen and randomly clicking to find out how to post a new entry. has something changed or is it just me? it's like my brain isn't working, i can't find the right words, or the right way to say something e.g. wrote, written, write I can't count or do anything with number, i was trying to work out 1000 divided by 8 yesterday and it took me so long and i got so confused. It's like any knowledge I have is exaporating from my brain. I feel like im

Guest

Guest

 

lack of sleep

Started a new anti-psychotic (Abilify) on Friday, woke up very early on Sat morning, forgot to take it on Sat, took it on Sunday and have been awake since at least 4.30. Got that wide eyed look about me. Also just had a heating engineer round to service my gas boiler. Hate it cos my flat is in a mess. I don't think too much about it except when people come round. Wish I had some motivation to clean up. So what if folk think I'm a lazy slob. Yes, so what? It just seems to much to tid

firelizardee

firelizardee

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