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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
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Meh.

She ground up her insidesto make space for the emptiness to consumeand you know we all assumed she was okWe just figured she was heartlessas opposed to having too much heartthat was fracturedshe had matured into a broken dreamwith a god awful themea nightmare that continued when she wokeeveryone knows God loves his sick jokesand how much we can takehe needs to seebut she just couldnt take itripped out her insides and cried with every grindblood red sprinkles flecked the tableas she tried to make

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"Hold my hand Im scared!"

Hey again. Hope everyone is groovy. So, last night his best mate didnt come to mine, she said she needed to do some work but shes a shrewd and very kind girl so I guess she figured I would want some time alone with him. It was nice, we were a bit late meeting his mate cos we got a bit distracted but wont go into that ha ha.When it is good it is very very good and when it is bad, well you know the rest of the nursery rhyme. thats what its like with us. My best mate J was in the pub very drunk a

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surgery......and beyond

I'm soooo scared. Last year when I had obgyn surgery, I wasn't worried at all. It was safe. No worry of cancer. This year....god I'm pretty stressed out.....Am I making the right choice, second guessing the doctor to save an ovary.....I think I am making a good choice, that she will go in there and find two ordinary cysts stuck together, remove them and I will be fine.......but the doctors are scaring me quite badly this time, with the cancer word. I feel floaty sometimes. I try not to thi

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The Outsider

One of my ex-boyfriends, Rafa, told me that this is his song for me. He's been trying to get me off the drugs for a long time. And he also said that I have this annoying need to be liked by everyone. Well here's his song for me. WARNING: May be triggering to some. (I was really hurt when I read the lyrics)A Perfect Circle - The Outsider lyricsHelp me if you canIt's just that this is not the way i'm wiredso could you please,Help me understand whyyou've given in to all thesereckless dark desire

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BUMP! Comments please

To all the unwitting victims of my moods (ps This was mostly written for my boyfriend) This is an apology to all those who have been subjected to the outlashes of a moody Biotch. Forgive me for writing it, Im too much of a coward to say this to your faces.I have to go through life afflicted with severe depression and anxiety disorder. This leaves me scared, angry, frustrated, tired, defeated, and obviously very sad. At the moment I have yet to learn to tame this great beast. It has not revealed

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choir service

The kids choir sings their first service of the year tonight, and I'm anxious. I just took some Valium so I can stand up in front of people and direct, assuming anyone shows up and is willing to sing. I hate making a fool of myself, and I know the situation is not good. But here goes. It doesn't really matter, but I'm anxious anyway.I'll finish this post after services; keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm back, and services went well. About a dozen kids sang, and they did a nice job for their

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Communicating with your loved ones

As we all know, a lot of our loved ones in real life don't really understand what I'm going through. Recently I was infuriated with my boyfriend for handing me useless platitudes while I was on the brink of suicide.I wanted to break up with him right there and then, believe me.But I calmed down and told him exactly what he did to hurt me. He cried and apologized and said he was having a hard time dealing with this. I know that of course, but it's just so annoying when people tell you to rela

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Recorded Delivery

Thursday we didn't have ARt Therapy as the therapist is off on holiday. Instead we mooched around. I looked through old cards/letters from ex-members of the TC. Kept some and added them to the scrap book we have. It is filling up with cards etc from ex-TC members saying how it is for them once they have left. This can be quite uplifting, especially if one is feeling a bit down and not very hopeful about life. I had to phone the gas boiler people to come and look at the boiler as its got an

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End of My Winning Streak

Fell off the wagon. Was depressed. Swallowed 6 rivotrils to sleep. Then decided to drink alone. then invited friends who didn't know i took the rivs. We went out to an art gallery launch and apparently I was swayinng on my feet and passed out right there. I have absolutely no memory of even leaving my apartment. I woke up wondering why I was so dressed because when they came over I was in sweats.I am hating myself right now. I'm so disappointed. After being clean for 3 months. I let mys

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June 25, 2005

So finally, I blog.A big step for me. It kinda means that I am no longer just passin' thru the DF, but that I have unpacked my bags for a long stay.My depression came out of the blue in January. Something apparently runs in the family, and I must've had the perfect storm of triggers to push me over the edge (China trip, newly adopted daughter, intestinal infection, major business changes, Grandma breakin' a hip, daughter having a flu seizure, etc.) Just a bit more than the usual stress, that'

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June 26, 2005

Thanks for the attention, guys!Lizard, my stressors have pretty much resolved themselves. My new daughter is still quite the pill. She is VERY stubborn and independent, and doesn't like to cuddle near as much as our first daughter. Her affection is more often expressed w/ a headbutt and wicked laugh. She does love me, in her own unique way. The poor kid has been hospitalized, had ear infections, is lactose intolerant, broke her leg....she was better off in China! :wwww:My pdoc provides my t

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June 29, 2005

I can't help but notice over the last two weeks how no one has commented on my avatar! Maybe it's 'cuz if you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all.....It's not a photo of me, BTW! This is Sportacus, a sports superhero from Lazytown on Nickelodeon. It's a real weird/cool show from Iceland using a bunch of puppets w/ Sportacus, Robbie Rotten, and a little girl Stephanie. My daughter loves it. Sportacus takes care of Lazytown and makes sure that the kids eat right and exercise.

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June 30, 2005

Thanks, moonheart!Kinda nervous this morning, so I treated myself to a xanax. I have a meeting w/ the gastroenterologist to find out what's going on w/ my consistently squirty backside, plus the elevated liver activity.I expect the runs are a stress response when the depression flares up, and I hope that the liver tests are just from metabolizing the AD's. But of course I imagine that I have hepatic cancer, or hepatitis from the China trips. Scary.

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June 30, 2005

Thanks, dizzy. I've wondered about IBS, but there's never been abdominal pain or a big splatter-fest. I don't have to find out where the nearest toilet (sorry, loo) is wherever I am. So I think it's just a stress thing. Some people bite their nails, I just gotta squat alot.

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June 30, 2005

:yay:No hepatitis! Liver function is still elevated, but when the bloodwork was done I was on lexapro and still on effexor, so the liver was probably getting a workout. We'll check again in three months. Also the doc agrees that the squirty backside is probably due to anxiety. So yeah, I'm relieved.

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July 15, 2005

Holding pattern.That's how my life has been this week.Waiting for Lexapro increase to kick in and trying to pick out my next med. My mornings are still so tough; Wednesday I had to take a xanax and WOW! I've never been so sedated. It helped a lot, but I could hardly keep my eyes open. The pdoc wants me to check in on Tuesday, if I'm not significantly improved then we try a cocktail. Maybe Lamictal, maybe Wellbutrin.'Til then we wait. Holding pattern. :rolleyes:My wife and I wanted

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July 19, 2005

All right, all right, all right!!!!Sheesh, can't a guy take a break? Seriously, thanks, Scarlet, Deb, and Karen for checkin' in. It's good to be missed. "Old woman!" "Man..""Oh, sorry, but you looked..." "I'm not old!""What?" "I'm not old! I'm thirty-seven!"(For the Monty Python fans out there. And who isn't?)But I digress: I AM thirty-seven. Birthday was Saturday, and I wasn't in a party mood for like the first birthday EVER, but the girls got me the new Harry Potter, plus 'The C

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July 26, 2005

You know, I might be getting better. :lookaround:I've been playing for Team Lexapro for what, ten weeks? I haven't popped a xanax for almost two weeks. The anxiety is definitely on vacation. Depression is still the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning, but it's not so dark, and is gone before lunch.I added Wellbutrin last week, just to see what it does, and so far it's a sugar pill. No side effects, no added anxiety.....which is very nice. No weight loss yet. (Lex has been bad f

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August 6, 2005

Well, the counseling session w/ Fr. Chris was well worth it. Like everyone else, he hasn't experienced depression, so he wasn't super familiar with it. But he shared his frustrations with God too. He was saying "s**t" and *** and so there we were, mouthing off like Bill Murray faking Tourett's Syndrome in 'What About Bob'. (one of my favorite movies, by the way.) We certainly didn't answer the question of suffering, but we blew off some steam and healed some neurons.Tuesday's session w/ t

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August 10, 2005

A rough week. :sadwalk:My brother is on vacation, leaving me to run the feed & seed. And it is just nuts. Anxiety and fatigue are on the rise, but I seem to be keeping up. Barely.But today really sucked. Started last night, actually, when I was a road rage victim. And the guy is screaming, "You're looking for trouble, pal, and you just found it! Just drive away!" :taz:And I did, but slooowly.....he was a big guy, but I coulda kicked his ; with one punch to his sunglasses he'd have bee

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August 11, 2005

No, Dizzy, you didn't trigger me at all....I was just telling myself that these things happen to everyone, so it shouldn't be any big deal. But for whatever reason my body has taken a turn for the worse. Anxiety over work, health, and family is overwhelming me again.So discouraging....I thought I had a med cocktail that might work.

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August 15, 2005

Thanks for the attention, everyone. You all make me feel better. Like someone understands!I'm on vacation this week with my new girlfriend, Ann Xiety. Well, it is easing up....no xanax yesterday or today....but I kinda wanna pop one. I just don't because I want to gauge how well my Lex/Wb cocktail works on its own. Not that well, apparently. Might be time to move onto lamictal.Anyway, vacation: it's weird not to have a big trip to take. But I just didn't need the stress. So we're doing

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August 16, 2005

Yeah, Scarlet, I had the Lexapro blahs at 10mg, 20 mg was much better. Could be the anxiety is being ramped up by the WB. And my crummy mornings haven't yet improved, so I'll give WB a little more time to settle. If it doesn't help w/ the morning depression, I'll dump it like my daughter's diaper and try Lamictal. I just hate giving up on anything too soon, 'cause I hate crossing names out of my date book.I agree, a LITTLE anxiety is better than total malaise.

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