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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
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love song

Whenever I'm alone with youYou make me feel like I am home againWhenever I'm alone with youYou make me feel like I am whole againWhenever I'm alone with youYou make me feel like I am young againWhenever I'm alone with youYou make me feel like I am fun againHowever far awayI will always love youHowever long I stayI will always love youWhatever words I sayI will always love youI will always love you ~The Cure

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fat, fat, fat

Have I mentioned that I'm fat. I've gained 115lbs in 6 years. I've gained about 50lbs in just the past 9 months. I have stretch marks on top of stretch marks. I'm almost 25 years old and I look like I've had 3 kids with all the stretch marks I have...I haven't had a single child. At least I'm not concerned about my body going to hell when I have kids...it's already there. I was a plus size model in a fashion show earlier this month and that was nice, but I was the biggest one there. I guess that

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Where does the time go?

November 10I am feeling so conflicted right now. I haven't had any really bad days, I'm performing well at work, I have been feeling okay, I am doing what needs to be done (Git er done!) But I also feel so crappy. I don't have enough time to myself...except I would probably spend it in bed. I am going through the motions but the joy is still gone. We have gotten a few new accounts at work which in theory should thrill me. I am relieved for the company, because we need the business, but I have no

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life in a bubble (from Nov. 14)

I never seem to remember to post this as "Published" so it's sat as a draft for a week.....*sigh* I'll figure it out eventually.I upped my WB today. My focus improved a great deal, though I can't say the same for my depression. But I spent several hours going through paperwork that has sat in huge piles everywhere in this house. I set up file holder on my desk where I can put incoming mail, and everyone has a folder there for filing. It gives me a place to put important things for the kids

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Phooey! What a Bust.

Just when you think you've had the 'morning' sickness beaten. Poof. Back again. Had to leave work and cancel t for tonite. Plus a headache, almost migraine but not quite.Then I get home and there's a bunch of roofers making a mess taking down the shingles from our apt. roof. The owner didn't give us proper notification. Anyway, they were just tossing the mess over the side of the house and busted one of our windows. The building manager was p*****. Apparently, the owner decided to go with thes

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sad

I've been so sad lately. Been shopping again too...not good. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Last night I had to call my dad to come over at 1am because I was afraid to leave my bedroom. I'm so screwed up. I have an appt with a nurse practioner at my pdoc's office Wed because my pdoc is booked. I hope she can help me.

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Daddy daddy, if you could only see...

Ever since I learned that I'm suffering from BPD, I've been trying to learn more and more about it.One of the "symptoms" if you like has to do with abandonement, or that You've FELT you were abandoned. I couldn't quite place it until this weekend. My dad was being nice this weekend. What I mean by "nice" is that he was actually wanting to spend time with us kids. That's when I realised that it's HIM I've felt abandoned from. When I was younger, all the way through school and college (high school

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People!

Are they deliberately trying to p*ss me off?? Or is it just me...Last week has been alright, I suppose. I saw Chris pretty much near-on every night, and he stayed for the weekend.I went to see an old friend of mine. I only really got talking to her last year when I was sitting outside the Head Of Studies' office, waiting to see the woman in there about my mitigation for uni, and she herself was wanting to get an extension for work. It turned out that we'd both had pretty similar pasts, and we we

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Fighting

I dont even want to go into thisI really dontI'll just paste it from my public blog, you can see what i wrote when angry and drunk then I'll add on other stuff that i forgot:As the tavares sang "Oh what a night" You should see the state of my ****ing hand. Its swollen double in size from battering the sweet **** out of the wall of the bar where it all kicked off. I was so ****ing angry at the injustice of it all. Its amazing when you learn who has loyalty and who doesnt. Who GIVES A **** and who

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Transition

Three days on wellbutrin......let the roller coaster ride begin. My life is in transition. It's as if there has been some kind of shift in my perspective and nothing looks quite the same. My life shifts beneath me. I am a mom but not a mom, The ties I've had to cut to allow my son enough freedom to mature seems overhwelming. Our meetings are always difficult at first and my role never feels clear. Even with my youngest son, I feel on the outside of his life. I know that these changes need

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Duck

Hi I am Rubber Duckie, I am thirty something with two little boys 6 & 8 yrs old. I find that being a parent is the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do in my life. I have a wonderful Husband that I need to spend more time with. If we did not have eachother I do not know what I would do. Depression has been with me on and off through out the years, I just try to deal with things as the come. Right now I my main issue is axiety, it has me by the throat most days. I can't relax and I stay

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upset over pension beneficiary

I'm so upset I could scream! I sent in a form to change my pension beneficiary from my ex to my daughter, and it came back mark rejected. Apparently, once a surviving beneficiary (ex) was chosen initially, it can't be changed. No way in the world do I want to leave money to him! Aaarrrrgh!!!I guess I'll just have to outlive him<lol>

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How do you break up with someone? HELP!

Ok, I think I've given it enough thought. I've been seven days without Joty and although I do miss him, what I mostly feel is relief. That must sound so harsh but I can't seem to find a milder word for it.So to end his suffering right away...how do you tell the nicest guy you've ever met that you can't be with him right now? How do I break the heart of a guy who loves me with all of his being? He did everything he could and I repay him by crushing his heart into a million pieces? How can th

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ugh! must stay away from ebay

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I just bought 2 pair of designer jeans...I probably could've used one pair, but definitely not two. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll just return them. I'm giving myself a nervous stomach just thinking about it. Why can't I stop buying!?!

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Rose and her thorns.

Rose is a girl. She is not beautiful like an actual rose, she doesnt make you think of romance, love, or passion. Rose is a girl who has put me down, talked about me behind by back, glared at me and rebuffed my hand of friendship TWICE since I was 16. It all started in college when my friend J (the weird one who I have a turbulent friendship with) decided he fancied me, then we became great friends and he thought he was in love with me. Rose worked with Jamie and fell in love with him herself, o

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have I mentioned I love shinedown? beyond the sun.

"Speak to meSo I can understand your tongueYou seem rather fragileIt's been saidIt's cold beyond the sunHave you ever been there?Communicating thoughts of waysTo never have to speak againLet me be the fire in your handBring what's yours, I'll take what's mineAnd meet you on the other sideWe'll leave a sign so anyone can find usA better place, a sweeter timeWe won't need any wings to flyA place beyond the sunLook for meThe way you would if you were blindDon't be so resistantI've been knownTo trav

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First post

Oh my! Did I just make this thing all by myself!?! I didn't crash the board or anything!?! Woohoo! Just wanted to make a quick post to see how things are working...now I'm off to bed. Lots to ramble about in the morning!

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Better

as usual, lexapro agrees with me quickly. what a friggin relief! i'm not anxiety free yet, but can feel where my muscles have been tight and overdosed with lactic acid. I'm gonna have to go to a masseuse to work these kinks out and take a warm soak in epsom salt this weekend. maybe a few soaks! it'll be a cpl weeks before i'm back to 'normal' but i'm patient.now it's just figuring out t-day. :turkey: the holidays are so torturous for me... i'm going to his mom's shindig, but the worst is

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Mood swings!

These recent mood swings have started to get on my t*ts... I'm trying to learn more and more about my new-found diagnosis, but I can't help but feel demoralised. I realise that I may never go scuba diving again, which is my dream, and I realise now that I hardly have any wants or dreams anymore. All I do is sleep; I wake up about noon every day, and go to sleep about 10 pm. What is happening to me? I really have no idea...I've taken Lorazepam pretty much every day, but at least I'm starting to t

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Meeting with HR & Welfare Officer

Had meeting with Human Resources and Welfare Officer from my work. my job has been filled by someone else, there may not be work/project for me to go back to, they may have to ask other agencies within the Scottish Executive (ie Glasgow or Edinburgh) if they have a B1 analyst programmer (doesn't mean that they will find work for me to do). If I want medical retirement then it'll have to come from me and with new medical evidence. They'll want to make me start at (whatever/whereever) work about

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Sounds about right

Biotchby Meredith BrooksI hate the world todayYou're so good to meI know but I can't changeTried to tell youBut you look at me like maybeI'm an angel underneathInnocent and sweetYesterday I criedMust have been relieved to seeThe softer sideI can understand how you'd be so confusedI don't envy youI'm a little bit of everythingAll rolled into one[Chorus:]I'm a Biotch, I'm a loverI'm a child, I'm a motherI'm a sinner, I'm a saintI do not feel ashamedI'm your hell, I'm your dreamI'm nothing in betwe

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