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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Spam ain't all bad

Got this in me email today...A BABY'S HUGWe were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking.Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, "Hi." He pounded his fat baby hands on the high chair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin, as he wriggled and giggled with merriment. I looked around and saw the source of his merriment. It was a man whose pants were baggy with a zipper at half-mast and his toes poked out of would-be shoes. His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his nose was so varicose it looked like a road map. We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled. His hands waved and flapped on loose wrists. "Hi there, baby; Hi there, big boy. I see ya, buster," the man said to Erik.My husband and I exchanged looks, "What do we do?" Erik continued to laugh and answer, "Hi." Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby.Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, "Do ya patty cake? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo."Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk. My husband and I were embarrassed.We ate in silence; all except for Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skidrow bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments. We finally got through the meal and headed for the door.My husband went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The old man sat poised between me and the door. "Lord, just let me out of here before he speaks to me or Erik," I prayed. As I drew closer to the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with both arms in a baby's "pick-me-up" position. Before I could stop him, Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man's.Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated their love and kinship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder. The man's eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor, cradled my baby's bottom and stroked his back.No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so short a time. I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm commanding voice, "You take care of this baby." Somehow I managed, "I will," from a throat that contained a stone.He pried Erik from his chest, lovingly and longingly, as though he were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, "God bless you, ma'am, you've given me my Christmas gift." I said nothing more than a muttered thanks.With Erik in my arms, I ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, "My God, my God, forgive me." I had just witnessed Christ's love shown through the innocence of a tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a soul,and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who was blind, holding a child who was not. I felt it was God asking, "Are you willing to share your son for a moment?" when He shared His for all eternity.The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, "To enter the Kingdom of God, we must become as little children."

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Sometimes

Don't you wish you could just trade in your current life on a new or slightly used model? Something different? I am in rutsville right now. I almost don't even care. Blah! I seem to be getting more tension headaches, couple weeks after I give up caffeine...weird. It makes doing things tougher. Certainly can't concentrate on much. I'm ready for a nap...

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Old entries

Jun 17 2005, 11:50 PMJust wanted to get this started. Will post more later, I am really tired, and feeling kinda losery tonite. But I need sleepies now. :ermm:Jun 18 2005, 10:39 AMI have so much to do today, but I woke up with a migraine and I feel like crud. I have all kinds of pains achin' today. All I want to do is stay home and curl up on the couch and watch something silly on tv. But, too much to do. Really not in the mood to be social today. Which is funny, cause I never get to go out and do fun things, today I got two things to do, and now I don't wanna go. Ah well. I'll get some more coffee in me, hopefully that will kick me in the butt a little. I shouldn't be drinking caffeine, but sometimes I just gotta.Jun 18 2005, 06:05 PMElvenspiritHey, Muggle. I always notice your name elsewhere, being a Harry Potter fan. :;): Welcome to the journal forum. I know what you mean. Sometimes you just don't feel like being social. Just feel tired and caffiene is good, even if it isn't the best thing on earth to consume. :D I'm sorry you felt icky...I hope by now you're feeling better. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself is about all I can say. Pressure not good. :)Jun 18 2005, 06:52 PMHi Elv and thanks! I got some cleaning done, and went to the zoo. It was nice. Now, I'm ready to sleep! I'm so tired right now. But I got a concert thingy to go to tonite. I haven't been to one in years.I generally stay away from caffeine, cause I seem to have less headaches when I cut it out. Plus, it just makes me anxious now. But, somedays I need a little kick in the brain to get going.I can't wait for the next Harry Potter book and movie. They are on my list of stuff to drool over until they are out. :)I still have a headache and various body parts still hurt. Bleh!Jun 19 2005, 01:05 AMJust got home from a show downtown. My gosh my back and feet hurt! I can't stand for very long anymore...weird. Anyway, it was a good show. I'm certainly not a fan of jazz, but these folks were good musicians. It was cool. Definitely a different crowd than what I was used to seeing when I went to concerts back in the day. Different music styles though.Right now I cannot wait to crawl into bed and get comfy, and sleep. :;):Jun 19 2005, 05:32 PMESHope you had a good sleep! It's good to expose yourself to something different, huh? Even if only to just know what it's like and forget about it later. I know what you mean about the caffiene...it sure doesn't help anxiety, huh? :;):(Anyways, yes...I can't wait for the next book myself. I used to jeer at Harry Potter fans and think they were goofy. :;): Well, count me among the goofy, cause I'm nuts over it just as bad. :) Watching COS just now, happened to be on. Lockhart's a riot...watching him should aid anxiety with how funny he is...hehehehe.)Jun 20 2005, 03:07 PMLockhart is hilarious! I loved that they got Kenneth Brannagh to play him. He was great. They made some good casting picks for Goblet, too.I was so exhausted and hurty yesterday, I'm surprised I didn't sleep all day. I had work to do though, at least I got it done. I did not sleep good that nite or last nite. Hopefully tonite I might sleep better.Soooo tired still. I feel like I aged 30 years.Jun 21 2005, 11:57 AMI feel kinda cruddy today. Headache, tired, and my tummy's not happy with me. I'm soooo tired. Did NOT wanna get up this morning.I'm so tired of being without a working car. I can't get a loan to get a newer car, my old one sits and collects pollen and dust, cause I can't afford to fix it. I was hoping to get it into the shop next month, but due to paydays changing, that ain't gonna happen now. I'll be lucky to get my bills paid on time! Hopefully in August I can get it fixed. I HATE riding the bus. On top of that, the walking and standing hurts my body. It shouldn't, it's not that strenuous, but geez.It really angers me that I am going to be paying for my ex-hub's irresponsible, deadbeat behavior for the next seven years while I try my darndest to fix my credit. Even the "bad credit ok" folks won't help me. And it's not THAT bad! I hate what he's done to my life. I guess I should be thankful that I won't be incurring more debt, but dangit! I want a working car! It's not like I'm asking for the moon and stars to be handed to me on a platter! I have a stable job, I work full time, but I'm still scraping by. Luckily my raise will happen soon and it won't be so scrapey.On top of the financial annoyance, I have no family here nor any friends I can hang out with or talk to. It's a lonely life. I go home every nite to my cat and an otherwise empty apartment. Though, even though it's depressing, I'm not sure I want any kind of relationship thing, or roommates or anything like that. I like my freedom. And I'm afraid to get involved anymore. It just ends up the same way. They like ya, then they wanna go out, then after awhile they drift away into nothingness. Drop off the face of the earth. It's almost not worth it to me to get attached to anyone anymore, they just disappear. But then I still want someone to be close to, and have that good feeling with. I don't ever see it happening again though. I feel too old, fat and ugly to illicit any interest from any guy. I have no energy, I'm too quiet, too geeky, not girly-girl enough for anyone. I guess I may remain a crazy cat lady with only one cat for quite a long time to come.I want to draw again! My writing is failing, I feel like fingerpainting, but don't have the stuff. Ugh! Why do I always get these ideas when I'm stuck at work and can't do anything about it? I get home and I'm too tired to do anything. :OJun 22 2005, 05:06 PMThe craziest thing happened last nite, I got a car. Someone actually agreed to finance me. I love the car. Though, I went home from work early today, cause my back really hurts. I don't know why, but ow ow ow! I took a vicodin and it still hurts. bleh! I'm happy I got the car finally though.Jun 22 2005, 08:31 PMESCongrats on the car...and sorry to hear about you feeling icky. I understand loneliness and it well...sucks. Drawing has been a great source of goodness for me...I would love to see your drawings if you do any and have the means to post. :) And you write, too...I do as well. That can be a great, great outlet when writer's block isn't getting in the way. :pAnyways, take care of yourself. :) You're in my prayers and thoughts.Jun 22 2005, 09:50 PMthanks elv. if i get anything done drawing wise, i'll try to post it :) may not be for a bit yet thoughJun 27 2005, 12:16 PMBoy, am I tired! I had a migraine last nite and didn't sleep worth a hill o beans. Now, I'm at work, zoning through my day. bleh!I had a rather depressing chat with a friend last nite. He said some things that kinda hurt, and though I know he was just upset, it still stings. Should I just suck it up and remember that he was upset at the time and probably didn't mean it? Or should I just write him off, he's proven that he doesn't really give a rat's butt about me, why should I care about him anymore?In other news, well, nothing new since last week. I'm still tired, bored, lonely, but at least I have a car! I have to figure out how I'm going to pay all my bills next month, being short on money and long on bills. Hopefully it will work out ok.I went to the movies on saturday, alone. But I had a brief feeling of being happy. It did not last long, but it's a step. :pJun 27 2005, 02:34 PMWow good news, paydays not messed up now!! YAYAYAYAY! :D :O :DJul 9 2005, 11:09 AMmy golly sometimes i hate weekends, i feel so incredibly lonely. i feel so alone. i feel like it will always be like this. i can't see any reason for it to change, or any chance that i will not always be alone. in the old days it seemed so easy to make friends and all that. now, it seems impossible. :OJul 10 2005, 05:00 PMmynahhi muggle :wave:i guess i know what you talking about.things change with getting older i've noticed too.although i try to think a big part of it is the depression too. difficult too meet anyone when low. so for that part of it that's because of depressed, it should go when we are better. so maybe then, with time and just not giving up, also some new friends can be found? i hope so. for you, and for me too.hoping your spirits will rise a bit again soon Jul 15 2005, 06:46 PM(((((((((mynah))))))))) thanks for poppin in. :) good to see yaJul 16 2005, 02:50 AMtinybit:hearts:hi muggle, i'm sorry you've been in such pain. i'm proud of you for getting out of the house. and i'm glad you had a good time. i'm very happy for you getting your car. and you work. that all makes you a strong person to me. i hope you feel better this weekend. :hearts:Jul 16 2005, 06:51 AMUMQuotethings change with getting older i've noticed too.although i try to think a big part of it is the depressionTrue, true, so true!!!Hi Mug I've been missing ya so I came in her to look you (and mynah) up to see if you are OK. I know what you mean about the headaches. I've been having them a lot lately, too.Well, just wanted to send my and let you know that I think about yoJul 16 2005, 07:31 PMaww Thanks gals, your words and thoughts mean a lot.i've been so busy at work lately. weekends are so rough lately because i am home all weekend with only my cat. the loneliness weighs heavily on me. i just wonder if i will always be alone. not that i want to rush into anything...it would be nice just to have a friend or two to hang out with in person. but it seems that won't happen unless by a lightning strike of luck meeting anyone with something in common. also feeling the "what am i doing with my life" pain. i feel so empty.Jul 17 2005, 10:43 PMi feel lost right now. i could almost cry. why do things get to me so easily lately. what am i going to be? Jul 18 2005, 10:25 AMlizardI'm sorry you're feeling so low. Hang in there, Muggle. We're here for you.Sending good thoughts your way...Jul 18 2005, 11:16 AMthanks liz :)Jul 22 2005, 03:10 PMjilliHi Muggle, I really like your avatar :) Hello Kitty is a favorite of mine.I was elated to hear you were able to buy a car. That makes such a difference in how we are able to cope with day to day stuff. I mean really, we have enough to juggle and wade through that transportation problems are really not necessary!It sounds like you have been through alot, sorry about your physical pain. Take Care, JillJul 24 2005, 05:59 PMThanks Jil :)it means a lot that others read and post here. sometimes i feel like the invisible girly in life. or i should be, i don't know.been headachy and painy today. i had a bad dream last nite that had me waking up in tears. was really odd.Aug 5 2005, 11:28 AMIt's been awhile since I've felt like writing anything down. I am doing ok lately. But, just ok, not great. I really need to get off my booty and write more, lots more. Not just journaling but my fiction stuff, too. I've been so unmotivated to do anything lately. But I feel like I'm not even living. Just working and sleeping, watching tv. That's not much of a life.I'm also going to try to stop drinking coffee. It will be hard since I like it soooo much. Going to replace it with green tea or any tea really.Aug 5 2005, 11:49 AMpupabellamuggle i know that feeling so well, of feeling not motivated, but it's good that you are feeling ok.that green tea sounds healthy, it's supposed to be good for your heart.i used to love soooo much drinking coffee, that i never thought i could ever cut down. today i've replaced many of my cups of coffee with tea and milk, and realized it's almost just the same.for the fact that, i enjoy drinking a hot cup of something.hope you'll be ok with the withdrawl of cutting down on your coffee intake. rachel Aug 5 2005, 03:06 PMjilliMuggle, I just said exactly that to someone yesterday..."I'm okay, not great, but okay". I can understand that feeling oh so well.You are a writer?! That is interesting :) What topics of fiction do you write?The tv is the enemy in my opinion. I cut of my cable over a year ago and it was the best thing I have ever done. I did it to save money. We didn't watch alot of tv in the summer with all our activities so I thought I would just sign back up come winter. Well, I never did have it turned back on and I think it has been a good thing for me. Sure, I'll watch a video now and again, but no more sapcing out in front of the tube...just a thought for you too. Take care, Jill Aug 5 2005, 07:03 PMWelp, my fictiony stuff is usually sci-fi or fantasy. I used to write poetry but haven't really in a long time.I don't really watch a lot of tv. I usually spend too much time on my computer, but I've been watching a bit more tv. I have a couple of shows I like to watch if I remember to catch them.Aug 11 2005, 09:54 AMI really need some motivation! oye! :OAug 11 2005, 01:44 PMjilliIf you find some, will you share?!! I need some too...man oh man do I need some!I am having trouble finding the motivation to do the simplist tasks...would just rather sleep. My bed calls me...jilly...come to bed...How is life with a car? :)

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Da First

Well, I'm not sure if I should put my journal entries here or in the old spot. But, I like this whole bloggy thingy! Not much to say right now. It's Saturday morning....still...I didn't sleep all that great. Got a wrong number phone call at 8 am this morning. Dangit I wanted to sleep in! Gah! Wasn't meant to be I guess, cause my cat came meowing at my door shortly after. I feel like such a waste of space. I have no desire to do anything productive anymore. Work is draining me, I just wonder why I bother having any dreams or goals. It's all just work, sleep, work, pay bills, sleep, work....bleh

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More old entries

Aug 11 2005, 04:01 PMhehe sure i will share if i find some the car is great. but, gas costs so much, and now i'm back to broke again due to all the bills i have, and it's months away from even having one paid off. i am hating my life right now. too many bills, no money, no friends, feeling like a big fat ugly geek. life is suckage. Aug 14 2005, 11:17 AMjilliI'm sorry, Muggle...I know the feeling and it ain't good...what are you doing to try to get positive these days? Have you been writing any? That doesn't take money, does it? I'm sure it does take a certain frame of mind though. Do you socialize with anyone you work with? I hope you are able to find some peace soon. (((muggle)))Aug 16 2005, 11:01 AMThank you Jilli! for popping in and giving me such wonderful support :) I really appreciate it.I was out of town for a few days. Came back feeling like i'd been beat by a hot potato. No sleep for 3 nites (well, next to no sleep), too much sun and heat, dust, smoke, etc. Really took it out of me. i am getting over being exhausted. still have a huge headache. sunday, when i drove home, i had an anxiety attack. boy did that suck. i had to pull over to a rest stop for a few minutes. highways and bridges just scare the crap out of me anymore and i was driving myself and my cat home. i was soooooooo tired that i was kind of dizzy. i haven't had an attack like that in a long time. my arms were tingling and i felt like i was going to puke and have a heart attack. i felt like such a dope. i don't know what to do about that driving thing. around town i'm fine, just highways and bridges over water freak me out.we raised 150,000 for cancer research with the cancer walk thing we did this weekend, but man, it was rough on me. so now, i'm recovering from that.i haven't really written much of anything lately. mainly i just can't get motivated about any of it. once i get to feeling better, i will try to start again on something. i've copied a bunch of writing exercises to help me get the brain juices going.i don't socialize outside of work with anyone. we all get along great at work, but it's hard outside of work because everyone is always so busy and i never have money to do anything. plus, we are all interested in different things. i'm kind of trying to figure out what i'd like to do, hobby or exercise-wise to get me out of the house and exercising. something cheap and not too strenuous.i don't know what to do about being positive lately. sometimes things just get me down. sometimes i'm ok. i feel like i'm stuck in a rut, with just working and being home alone. suppose if i got off my booty and really worked on my writing, that would help Aug 16 2005, 11:24 AMjilliDo you like to bike ride? I feel that that isn't too strenuous for me...I don't do it near enough but I always feel better after I ride.Getting out of the house is always a challenge. We get comfortable and it just doesn't seem worth the effort to get up and go...but it almost always helps, as you know. Library?What about golfing? Do you golf? Every spring I tell myself I am going to take golf lessons...but I haven't yet. dang. But is that something that sounds fun to you? Aug 16 2005, 12:02 PMI don't have a bike. Nor golf clubs. I like mini golf but it's no fun alone, plus it costs money. I was thinking of taking a look at the local rec center's classes and membership fees. Maybe I can save up for a class or something. I wouldn't mind getting into dancing again. I used to do folk dancing in high school and junior high, it was fun. I'm going to try to walk on the weekends. At least if I get out once, I will feel better and maybe get motivated to go out more. Aug 23 2005, 09:54 AMOh I am so tired today. Blaaaahhh Not much to say right now. Still feeling crabby and bitter about everything. Still wondering how I'm going to get unburied from the debt that the ex is supposed to pay, but won't. The only thing I can do is get a lawyer, and I don't have a dime. I need to go to the dentist, but I can't. No money. I'm so frustrated. I wish I could get him to do the one thing he said he'd do. I'm thinking of getting a second job. Not to pay his debt, but mine. I'm up to my eyeballs and I hate it. Aug 23 2005, 01:57 PMjilliFinancial stress can be unbearable. I understand, I am going through a bankruptcy myself. Although I didn't want it to come to bankruptcy, it has been a blessing. The weight I feel lifted from my shoulders is amazing.I say you thanked me in the Thank you thread you didn't need to do that, but thanks :hearts:Sorry you are feeling so down. I went to my T today so I am feeling a bit better but still feel like I am dragging...Take Care, JillAug 23 2005, 08:25 PM(((jill))) i hope you are doing alrightbankruptcy...hmmm...i could look into that, i don't know much about it...i could sleep for a week i think. sometimes i just want to go back on meds but dang, i'm terrifed of them, and i live by meself, no friends or family near by to help me with anything. it sucks. what's a broke, lonely, gal to do? Aug 24 2005, 07:28 PMUMSo, Mugg, this is where you have been hiding all the time. I started wondering about you and came in here to see if you still had your thread going. Hope you are doing better. You are such a sweetie!!!PM me if you ever need me, girlfriend. :hearts:Aug 24 2005, 09:58 PMawwww thank you um :D you guys always bring a smile to me faceAug 25 2005, 02:59 PMjilliIf you are going to look into bankruptcy you need to do it now...the laws are changing soon. Are you in the states? If so, just look under attorneys in the yellow pages and there is usually many of them that specialize in bankruptcy...Sep 6 2005, 12:24 PMThanks Jill, I think I'm just going to pass on the whole bankruptcy thing. I couldn't afford to file anyway. I'm working on getting those bills paid, unfortunately, since I bought a car, I have no wiggle room in my budget now. Sometimes I wish I hadn't got the car, but it certainly beats walking, mainly because my joints hurt so much after awhile. Weird though. Plus the stinky people on the bus were kind of icky :p Now that gas is so expensive, I'm still thinking maybe I should have just bought a bike. Then I'd have to worry about getting run over. I just can't win it seems.Still feeling like the world's biggest loser. I think I realized that I will never again be in any kind of relationship. I feel like I will be alone forever. Sometimes I'm even ok with it. Sometimes I think that people who call me a geek/nerd are totally right. It's not really cool to be so, when you are not young and cute. Sometimes I think people are just hypocrites. Blah, feeling very blah! I have zero motivation to do anything anymore. Nothing is all that interesting. Haven't written anything lately, haven't done anything creatively productive in awhile. I don't want to exercise, I don't even eat right though, can't afford to.Sep 6 2005, 03:43 PMjilliBoy, I am with you on the exercise Muggle. Gawd, I hate to exercise! But I do feel better when I do it...perhaps you could start real small, like just a walk around the block or something?? The fresh air always makes me feel better too.You are not a loser. Sorry, you just aren't :) I don't know why someone would call you a name like geek or nerd, but really, these days with the geeks making all the money in IT, geek doesn't seem so bad anymore!! LOL!Take it easy on yourself, Muggle. I get caught up in the negative self talk too...but it will get you nowhere fast. You know this too. Try and say something good to yourself everyday. I'll start: "Muggle is a nice person. I like her because she is caring and sincere."There, now your turn!Sep 6 2005, 09:51 PMawww thanks jill! you always know good things to say to help me feel better! thank you! you rock! :buttrock:i get caught up in those negative thought traps a lot. boy do they suck! i also shouldn't care what other people think, when they say things that hurt or make me feel crabby. i know, yet, i forget so easily.well, i'm gonna get to bed soon and stick my nose in my book. sleep sounds goooodSep 9 2005, 06:14 PMoye what a week. i don't even know what to write. i'm glad it's friday.Sep 13 2005, 11:08 PMduckieHi Muggle, it is Tuesday, how are you this week?How is you work?How are your mornings?How is lunch time?How is bedtime? Peaceful?How is that afterwork time?How are you feeling?What have you been doing?What song are you stuck on this week?Just thought I'd throw those out there.Hope you are doing well muggle! Sep 14 2005, 04:15 PMHi Duckie! Thanks for popping in here. This week is so far, going much better than last week. Lessee...to answer your questions...work is ok...boring right now..mornings...i'm not a morning person, i just don't do mornings, at least voluntarily. i don't count as conscious til at least noon.lunch time can be good or bad...today was good, had sushi from trader joes and watched part of a Buffy episodebedtime is nice...i crawl under my pile o blankies and read until i can't keep my eyes open...sometimes this keeps me up too late :pafterwork time, well, it varies. usually i just go home, feed the cat, feed myself and either sit in front of the computer or tv. sometimes good, sometimes boringfeeling: bored, goofy, and sleepy right now, trying not to think about all the problemsi have been doing work, attempting to look busy, and then wishing it was time to go homesong for this week: hmm it varies a lot, i'm always listening to something if i can help it. last week i had the we are all on drugs song by weezer in my head. this week is kind of a jumble, between evanescence, garbae and slipknotSep 14 2005, 10:14 PMer...that would be garbage, not garbae...lol yay typosSep 14 2005, 10:53 PMduckieHi Muggle!I do that too at bedtime, pile under blankets, air on, fan on, reading until very sleepy.My mornings are okay after coffee...My work can be boring at times tooAfterwork time can sometimes be the most frustrating because of the lack of structure. I like structure.I am feeling okay tonight, not as energetic as the past two nights, but still good.Song for me this week: MTM Trance megamix 2005 - it is an hour & 15 minute mix of a bunch of songs.I don't feel perky right now, like I was for several days. It will come back to me though.Are you perky? that is a funny word, huh?I have heard garbage and ev... but not slipknot.:sleep_1:Sep 15 2005, 09:30 AMI might be perky after a couple cups o coffee ;)Slipknot is hmm...how to explain them...kinda hard, fast skater-punk(?) rock? I guess? hehe They have some really good slower songs, too.I hear ya on the structure thing, I NEED it to get anything productive done.Right now: I have Vermillion by Slipknot in my head. (Listened to them on the way to work).Sep 15 2005, 11:25 PMduckieI will have to check out slipknot.

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keeping up

Yesterday, 07:58 PMduckieHi Muggle,How are ya today? I am doing good. Just hanging out at the moment. ninja.gifduckYesterday, 08:11 PMHiya duckie! I am tiiiiiiiired now. Stayed up too late last nite, woke up too early, long day at work...ready for nappy time. Also have a nice headache. Other than that, stuff's pretty much same ol story. Bored, unmotivated, nervous, lonely...but at least the week is half over ;pYesterday, 08:16 PMduckie900 posts for you Mugs! w00t!How can you be bored?What do you like to do when you are not bored?I understand unmotivated and tired though. I get that way in the evening too.Headaches suck, I understand that too. Excedrin.What makes you nervous?Lonely.... I hate that! mellow.gifToday, 10:01 AMWow I didn't realize I'd hit 900!Well, I get bored easily. So, being bored happens a lot. When I'm at home, and trying to not be bored, I read, play computer games, hang out with my cat, watch tv. Trying to re-learn bass guitar also.I don't take exedrin anymore. I am trying to stay away from caffeine again. So far it's working. But now I seem to have more headaches. Spose I'm still getting over caffeine withdrawl.What makes me nervous? All kinds of stuff. I'm an anxiety nightmare sometimes. I've been having ulcer like issues lately and worrying about that certainly isn't helping. Worrying about work, etc. I try not to though, but sometimes I just can't help it.Today, 10:20 AMUMHiya Mugg!!!I've been meaning to comment on your "yeah, I say stuff" subtitle.That hit me as soooo very funny. I guess we all are use to the quiet Muggle. Have you always been so quiet?????Quit worrying so much!!!! And that's an order. stare.gif Do ya hear me. Don't make me come thru this 'puter and force you to go out and have fun. cool.gifwave.gif wave.gif to Duck. Haven't seen you around much lately.Today, 10:47 AMheheh hi UM! Yeah I have always been quiet. Something that gets me in trouble. People think I'm stuck up. Which is soooo far from the truth. Oh Well.thanks UM, I will try not to worry so much. going to trrrry to get back to doing yoga regularly too.Today, 10:49 AMUMI use to do yoga, too. It's so very relaxing. I've really been meaning to get back to it. Maybe, we will start together???!!!!!Today, 10:50 AMGood idea! I need a kick in the pants to get going most of the time :) We can say hey! don't forget!!Today, 10:58 AMUM"running to put on yoga clothes. Get out the mat. Put the DVD in. Run back to the bedroom and look for sweat band. Stop in kicthcn and get some water since it's important for exercise. Run back to bathroom and pee. Go back to yoga mat. SIt down". Sheesh.....too tired to do it now.Let's start this evening. How about it?????Today, 11:28 AMheehee ok. I am at work right now anyway...(no yoga here :p)

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Fall Saturday

Well, I got off my bootay and went for a walk in the park today. It was a gorgeous fall day, not cold, but windy, just lovely. Now I am worn out and sweaty from it but it was so nice to get off my butt and do it. I was thinking I would do some yoga when I got home but I'm too tired now. hehe baby steps, baby steps...I also went through my box of cassette tapes. OMG yes, I still have a ton of them. Dug out some things I forgot I even had, and I'm going to be listening to some old stuff today, oh the memories! Listening to the Doors right now. Was listening to Concrete Blonde on my walk. (I looooove them) Blast from my past. Also practiced playing bass some today. I forgot how much I loved to play, and boy are my arms sore now! I need lots and lots of practice. It is nice to feel excited about doing something again. Now if I could just get off my butt and write!

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Karma Police Raid Florida Office 10/17/05

Ready for this...Pinkie got fired!Okay, now ordinarily I'd be screaming injustice because the woman got fired while the "men" got to keep their jobs, but this is PINKIE we are talking about here. She does not garner any sympathy from me. In her case I would use the term "woman" very loosely (like she is). Maybe it's mean, but Also, my mother told me yesterday that my older son referred to Pinkie as "That girl who I don't like." It just makes me mad that EX forces this bimbo on our children every weekend, doesn't do anything with them on his own, and one of them (at least one) doesn't even like her. I'm not going to play the bitter EX wife and say anything to him about it, but I'm going to be there in case my son wants to talk about it with me. And, yes, I will be objective for his sake. I don't want to do anything that might hurt his relationship with his dad, so I'll tread very carefully. In other news, the SH (smokin' hottie) has not called or written me yet. I'm so disappointed. His sister says that he is interested and wants to go out but he's kind of shy. I can relate to that. I guess if he calls, he calls and if he doesn't, then he doesn't. I'm really not the type of person who would make the first move. I know, this is the year 2005 and I should be able to. It's just not who I am. Anyone want to do the "Pinkie Got Fired" dance with me? Here we go... :taz: :taz: :taz:

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choir

I thought volunteering to teach a children's choir at my synagogue would bring some satisfaction. It hasn't. I had my fourth rehearsal this morning, and neither the kids nor I had much enthusiasm, although I tried my best to garner some. There's no joy in doing this, it just gets me out of the house Sunday mornings. I hope as time goes on it will get better, but I'm doubtful. The kids really don't seem to want to sing. Our first performance at a service is scheduled for Friday, and when I asked who would be attending there was almost no response. This could be embarassing.I really need to find some creative outlet for myself, but I haven't been drawn to anything. Maybe some of that is from the depression, that nothing seems appealing or enjoyable.

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Negative

There is nothing anyone can say or do that will make me see things in a positive light today. I apologize to those of you reading, this is a very dark place to be in. If I were you, I would leave like a bat out of hell. I just might end up dragging you down with me in my misery.Everything I hear or read, my brain will automatically twist to be a very bad thing. I'm trying to fight it. It's not working. Everything just sucks for me now. I know I have it better than a lot of people, but I just can't appreciate that right now. I even hate this stupid font. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how messed up it is in my head.

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Fortune Cookies 10/15/05

So I had Chinese for dinner tonight, and here's what my fortune said..."Behind every able man, there are always other able men."I kept it and put in on the refrigerator. K. e-mailed me late last night to say that she had spoken to her brother and that he wants to talk to me. He said to tell me that he was sorry about what EX had done to me (he sort of knows us both). Can I tell you, this guy looks like a young Baldwin brother--so cute! I wish I could show a picture of him. I'm looking forward to seeing him either when K. gets here or before. K. was so cute in her e-mail. She had gotten out her childhood diaries and said I was on every page. She wrote that I had always been a mentor to her and had stuck by her when nobody else would. She is a real sweetheart, and I love her so much. I hope there are no circumstances that will ever separate us again. It feels great to have her back in my life. Not much other news to report except that EX was kind enough to come and hook up our DSL router so the kids and my mother could get on the Internet. So I'm glad we're getting along decently, even though I'm trying to keep a good distance between us. I still have my letter propped up on my desk in case I forget the true nature of our relationship(as in, there's not one).Love to all who blog and read the blogs. I'm glad you're out there.

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fatigue

I'm in the midst of a fatigue flare-up, for the past few days. I can barely move in the morning, beyond my usual pain and stiffness and non-restorative sleep. It feels like part of the fibromyalgia, and it's depressing to be too tired to do anything. I've been getting the morning paper around 2:00 PM when the mail arrives I'm too fatigued to walk down the driveway until then. I hate this

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Bird flu

reading about the possible bird flu affecting humans and how different counties are preparing for it. There is a drug that can help **** the H5N1 virus. Britain has ordered enough for 15 million people, about 25% of the population. America has ordered 2.5 million (less than 1% of the population) I think they are going to rely on a vaccine being available. Britain (I heard on the radio) is the country that is most prepared. The idea that this bird flu or one like it might mutate and infect more humans and actually be transmitted from man to man is frightening.

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childhood anxieties

I was listening to a radio programme about psychology and they were talking about pavlovian conditioning. This got me thinking about the experiences that I had as a child. I now realise that I suffered from a lot of anxiety as a child. I'd get very anxious when my parents went out at night, that something would happen to them and they would never return home (they went out a lot when my brother was old enough to 'babysit'). I'd get anxious when my mother threatened suicide and then disappear for hours. I'd be anxious about the dark. I'd be anxious to go to the loo because it was in the dark (we had an outside loo). I'd be anxious about the lights being switched out on me (brothers would do this when I went to the loo and when I was in bed). I'd be anxious about the noises I'd hear in the walls (rats and mice crawling about, brothers would make scratching noises to scare me). I'd get anxious about walking home in the dark. It seems to me that I suffered from so much anxiety and anxiety on top of anxiety that I think I stopped 'feeling' the anxiety if that is possible.EVen as an adult I get anxious about things. The psycho-social nurse at the TC told me this week that I seemed to be anxous, but I could barely feel it. If I say I am anxious, people are amazed because I don't show it (again thats a defense I learned to protect myself from my brothers cruetly). Do I only feel the anxiety if it reaches a certain level? I think so. Thats a question I need to ask in group or ask my psychiatrist. Or if anyone has any comments.

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some men thoughts

Yesterday was not too bad. Talked in the main meeting about how I used to think around single men. I'd get the feeling that they were 'potential boyfriend material' but I think that is wrong to think about guys this way, cos they wouldn't want to know me (this used to happen years ago when I was much lighter and prettier (even though I have always felt ugly)). Its a strange way of thinking. I guess its not uncommon. I thought it was wrong because this thought would go through my head within minutes of me meeting someone, long before I could actually make up my mind about the man. Its almost an irrational thought. Someone described it like being hungry and standing in front of a line of fish. If you are hungry you will take the very first fish that comes along and not choose the fish you actually want. I have felt like this about a man that I first met in hosptial last year. He seems to be a really nice guy, gentle, caring, friendly. Maybe because he seemed to treat me well. But then that doesn't mean that he likes me in that way, does it? Anyway I feel that its a stupid thought to have, because I've given up on the idea of ever having a relationship again. It just will not happen. I talked later in small group about the differences in my being. I'm almost shy in personal relationships but because I've been stupid in my past sexually that I'd be 'experienced' in bed and that seems like opposites. I just can't deal with being like this - like 2 people. I don't miss the physical side. I don't miss having a relationship. When I imagine myself with a man, it scares me. have to stop this cos its upsetting me.

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Clothes order arrived

Well I ordered loads of clothes from a fat woman company on the internet last Sunday and they arrived today. I'm glad I was awake when the postie chapped on the door. He didn't ring the main bell. If I'd been in my living room, I would never have heard him. Spent 10 minutes trying on the clothes. They all fit, so won't have to return anything. Only 2 items didn't show up and one is out of stock the other they will be sending later. I am so overweight that it is getting difficult to buy clothes in normal stores. Why do shops think that just because I'm an ?? size that I'm not interested in wearing nice clothes. There are a few shops in Aberdeen, that cater for fat women, but the clothes are either for older women or are made of synthetic materials. Neither of which are very appealing. This is the first time in ages I've spent a lot of clothes. I'm wearing the jersey now, its lovely and warm.

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Another Version of Me

I don't get it. I was used to the depressed me. I was used to the anxious me. I was used to the panicked me. But there's seems to be a new twist to this plot.Now, together with all those things, I'm agitated, irritable, angry, defensive, and even more than ever: TIRED! When does the insanity ever stop? It seems when I got the old crazy in me at bay, a new kind of loony popped up. I should stop making progress if progress means more demons to deal with.Today I tried to relax in bed. But I'm so agitated I keep kicking off the blankets and I feel like squeezing something until it's nothing.I want the old crazy me back.

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Waiting on a friend 10/14/05

For about 9 years now, I have been wondering and worrying about a childhood friend of mine (call her K). We grew up together, but her life became very troubled and she dropped in and out of mine as we got older. When she was gone, I searched for her and even had recurrent dreams about finding her at least three times a month. She was as close to me as a sister; we even look alike. Growing up, I always tried to hold her up as life was knocking her down, and she was always there for me to do the same. We were bonded that way, by friendship and hardship. Every now and then, I have been typing her name into Classmates or Google or People Finder or anything else I could think of. Last night I tried Classmates again, and her name came up! I immediately sent her an e-mail, doubting she would get it but hoping all the same. Early this morning, she sent me one back with her phone number in Texas. I started bawling as I dialed her number, only to find her bawling on the other end of the phone. It turned out that she had been trying to find me, too, and she had joined Classmates in an attempt to search for me. It turned out that her loser boyfriend at the time had told each of us that the other one didn't want to see us anymore. I went for years thinking she was mad and so did she. We talked for hours and spent the whole day e-mailing pictures back and forth. She didn't know I had two boys. I didn't know she had gotten married and moved to Texas. She didn't know about my divorce. We sent new pictures as well as old pictures that we laughed about. She called her husband at work and told him she had found her "one true friend." That made me feel really good.She and her husband are coming to stay with me for a weekend next month, and she and I plan to make up for lost time. We have already acknowledged that we have a lot to tell each other. It has been such a great day!And...as an added bonus...she sent me pictures of her all-grown-up and SINGLE brother who turned out to be a smokin' hottie!! He had a crush on me in 9th grade and I totally rejected him, but she has plans now to fix us up and "reunite" us. Wow, I definitely could do a lot worse!Which brings me to the other fix up. You know, the one I mentioned a few days ago that another friend of mine is arranging. Well...I hope I don't sound totally shallow...but the friend e-mailed me a picture today and I wasn't physically attracted. For one thing, he is an amazingly tall person and I'm 5'1". My friend also said the guy "cuts his hair short," and that turned out to be a codeword for "bald." Okay, I'm still gonna go out with this guy and not judge him based on his looks, so please don't think what you're thinking of me. It's just that...here I am getting picture after picture of this other Gorgeous Specimen all day and then...oh, never mind!Anyway, I love you K. I'm so glad we found each other again. What a great day!

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aging mother - the "sandwich" generation

Seeing my mother at services the last two days highlighted the age-related changes in her. Besides a growing multitude of physical health problems - she had trouble getting up from her seat to stand for prayers, she lost control of some of her finger movement - there are signs of mental changes, too. There were some inappropriate behaviors, silliness where she tried entertaining others. She's becoming more of who she's always been, but taken to some extremes now. And the changes are scary. I'm playing parent to my mother, as well as to my daughter - the "sandwich" generation.The good news is that my daughter called, and wanted some help in seeking out career counseling. This is a major step forward for her, and will give her some back-up plans if she's laid off from work.

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alone and anxious

I find myself getting anxious, especially in the evenings, when I'm alone to ruminate. I feel lost doing things on my own; I don't feel competent to be independent. Divorce has thrown me into this, and I'm just not emotionally suited to it. It's depressing. I feel powerless." I am strong, I am invincible..." I am lying... I feel like a wimp. I have no courage, and I worry about everything and anything and nothing.........It's painful.

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crying

Yesterday I went back to Rosebank and did some more work for a client. Its very complicated, enough said. But it meant that I was still there after 7pm. I'm not usually out that late in the evening. I needed to do my weekly food shopping but I'm very wary of going into supermarkets at busy times after the stooshie that happened last year (arguing with someone, they tried to hit me and I got banned for a week or so), I hate being around strangers. I had to get some money out of the ATM and a woman and 2 men came up. They had been drinking (I could smell it on her) and they were swearing almost every second word. Also they were using words that I really can't stand. It frightened me and I started to get very nervous, they also looked like they might start something or is that just me being parnoid? That is what I fear and that is what I felt. For some reason I equate that kind of swearing with violence. I talked a bit about it today in Group Therapy, but I couldn't figure out where in my past this may have occured. I can't remember if either of my parents were like this. Later on today I realised that one of my brothers was like that. I am also reminded of my brother by one of the newcomers to the TC. My brother was/is violent. I know also that he ended up hitting his first wife. He may have changed now but certainly, when he was younger he was violent. Last time he hit me was when I was 16. My mother found out because I had a swollen lip and all she was worried about was whether people would find out. She was more worried about what people thought than about my feelings. That was typical of my mother. My other brother also hit me. Its difficult to have any kind of relationship with people who treated you that way. I didn't have too good a night. When going to bed I caught a sight of myself in the mirror and I can't believe how much I weigh now. I am obese and that makes me feel really bad about myself. Then I think "stop moaning and do something about it", but I feel I can't because I don't go out to exercise. Its to do with being around strangers and 'incidents' happening, or me getting angry. I feel I can't go out. And so this leads to a viscious cycle of me feeling bad about myself cos of the way I look (I also feel bad about myself for other reasons), but I can't get out and exercise partially because of the way I look and also I fear what may happen when I'm around people, so I remain fat. This sounds so much like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Cried in bed. I'm crying about 3 to 4 times a day with other, almost crying episodes. Sometimes I can remember what I'm crying about, other times I can't. The slightest thing sets me off. For instance, I talked today about how I feel that people don't like me and in anycase I can't believe them when they say they do like me. It also affects how I relate to people. I have a friend, (or person I know) who I last saw when she was 6 or 7 months pregant and now her son is 10 months old. I feel that I can't phone her and ask if its okay to go round, because I feel that she won't want me to visit her and her family. I suppose I lack confidence. I said today that I felt that I was getting more depressed. Therapist didn't seem to think so, other members wondered about it to.I suppose I should just wait and see.

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reflections

Tonight and tomorrow mark the end of the Jewish New Year Holydays. With the trouble my friends are going through, I have a lot to reflect on, and so much in my own life for which to be thankful. My daughter is doing well, which is the greatest of my blessings. Much to think about as I meditate through the sermons <lol>

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