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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
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Thanksgiving at my home

My mother is too frail to handle it, my brother's home is being remodeled, and so it falls to me to have Thanksgiving at my home. Once I made the decision and invited people, I fell into a panic, even though everyone will help out. I know in my head that everything will be fine; I love my family and they're not judgemental; I've hosted many successful holiday celebrations in my home before. I just went through this for the Jewish New Year celebration, and I know my worry is needless, but the pan

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Cha Cha

I feel like I'm taking two steps back. I am so tired of the existance...but somehow, part of me just doesn't give a rats butt anymore. I don't want to do anything! I feel like I could just scream, but I know that's just the hormones talking. The suck has gone on too long. I don't see a way out that doesn't involve me working myself into the ground just to keep my head above water. blah! I don't feel like writing anything down. I just want to sleep and watch tv or play video games, and even that

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Christmas is getting closer

NOT There I said the evil word. Christmas is coming. This is not a Christmas thread. Any references to Christmas will be removed, stamped on and otherwise deleted. "The nights are fair drawin' in" as we say in this part of Scotland. Only 50 days to the shortest day and then the sun will start to come back. oops forgot to phone som eone, gotta go, might be back later. Eileen

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New out look

Major league ta very much to all who replied to me. Dispatch, reading your reply just then really helped me cos it was so to the point and I could see what I had to do for me. Moon I love you tonnes for talking to me when I cried at 4 AM this morning on msn and we sorted out my head and why I feel the way I do about robert. It helped me so much. Basically Moon and I came to the conclusion that I only got with Rob because I was trying to get over the hurt of Billy (the boy I really REALLY liked b

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Honk if you love DF! 11/02/05

Last March, I came here broken. It wasn't my first time here, but I was in the worst condition of my life. I had been cheated on, lied to and walked out on. I wished I was dead. Every minute that went by was sheer torture, and I was positive that I would be beaten down, lose everything including my children and hate every day of my life from that day forward. At DF, my tears were dried. My hand was held. My backbone was strengthened. I was carried when I could not walk. I was praised when I did

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Return to centre

Everything is always in the centre. Brain to be protected from skull, heart to be protected from ribs, jam to be hidden in donut...I was looking at mountains the other day. It was late peaceful autumn afternoon and I was figuring out how I'd paint the shapes and colours of the foot of our highest rock and it occured to me- it was all in the centre. Triangles to meet in one blur point in the distance. Woods were spreading like legs from the big mountain and it looked like woman giving birth. I re

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Living? Or Idling...

This is the first time I've actually had to FORCE myself to begin to type...Other times the words have just flowed so easily, and even if they don't make sense they spit out faster and faster...My despairing isn't so bad anymore. Somehow my body's flicked a switch, and instead of having the constant ups and downs, incredible highs and lows, I feel nothing. Today in counselling, first time back since the flop of the therapeutic community last week (went for a visit to the community- lasted 1 out

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Badmouthing 11/1/05

My kids had an awesome Halloween. We Trick-or-Treated with our neighbors and some friends and hit every house within a one-mile radius. Their little bags were spilling over. Every time my 3-year-old came away from a house he would yell, "This is the BEST Halloween!" Hilarous. Unfortunately, all of us parents had something to drink after our kids night out was over. My ex-SIL was there (the one I'm close to), and there was a lot of EX and Pinkie bashing done by all of us. Then I realized that my

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Self-Loathing

Why do I have this screaming urge to break up with the best thing that ever happened to me? He was the only one willing to put up with all my craziness. He's still willing.And yet he annoys me to no end.Is this some kind of episode I'm having? He ditched me today to go to some barbecue with his friends. Shouldn't I be annoyed? Or am I being a brat?I'm just so depressed I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be alone. But at the same time I need someone to take care of me.Or should

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Mini updates 10/30/05

Clocked 10 good hours of sleep last night (thanks, Ambien). Feel better about Grandma K thanks to the people here at DF. I hope to see her very soon.Mother feels better. Pinkie is apparently making an *** out of herself with in-laws (by being an annoying twit). People are recovering a little bit from the hurricane and getting some power back (yay). Looking forward to Halloween tomorrow with the kids. Youngest is going to be Robin (like Batman and Robin) and the other Yu-Gi-Oh (for those without

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Art Therapy

Heres a link to most of my art therapy images from the TC. Take care when you view them, as some may be considered triggering (especially if you figure out what I was meaning by them). I was in a hella state sometimes during my 2 years at the TC. Eileen

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Clock change waltz

things don't always turn out the way you think they might. clocks changed today and adjusting my watch altered the date on it as well. bugger. even with therapy I think you fix one thing and something else goes wonky. this is a non-entry really. :baaa:ps just playing with attaching a Gallery to the entry. Wow. ee

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Break Up.

I dont know where to start.... I was just crying in the bath and now I just feel kind of numb. And tired. Last night was the halloween party. It was really good fun, nearly everyone dressed up and partied. Robert spent the night glued to his best mates hip and my mum asked me who is he going out with? and i just shrugged so she took it up with him and had a bit of a go. Then Robert my cousin and I went to my room so my 7 year old cousin could show us her dance. Then J and robs best mate came in

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Could it be

Well you said you needed to findThe essential you`re missingWell I thought I knewThe essential in which I was believingCould it just be That we`re all breathingCould it just be That we`re all hurtingWell could it just be that we`re all mistakenAnd that believing and missing Are just other words for hurting and breathingDo you think you`re aloneCould it be that we`re all aloneCould be

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Insomnia 10/28/05

I have had really bad insomnia since EX left. I have sleeping pills but can't use them every night, so on nights like this I am up and around and thinking. When it's late like this, I tend to focus on the negative. My finances are getting worse, my mother is getting worse, my loneliness is getting worse. The best things in my life are my two beautiful children, and since I'm not taking good care of myself I wonder how good my care is of them. I'm afraid of making a mistake and my EX's family mak

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Elizabeth

My Grandma died yesterday. She was 88 years old and loved her life. My grandmother wasn't just a sweet grey-haired old lady that I only saw at Christmas. She helped raise my brothers and me on the family farm. We were just as apt to have supper at Grandma's as we were at home; it just depended on where we finished the day's work.Grandma was a 'village girl' who taught elementary school, after she married Grandpa she moved five miles out of town to the farm where she would spend the rest of h

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bored.....

Bored, bored, bored.......last night I was raving insane, wracked with worry that I will have chronic back pain from stupid adhesions forever......I was ready to check out, not willing to live with chronic pain, I'm a big woosie baby and I can't deal with things like that........and we Still don't know what the hell that 3 inch mass on my left ovary is......doc will 'get back to me' on Tuesday, as she is on call at hospital maternity rounds this week.......I finally took some pain killers and we

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session with T: goals and expectations

Had a session with T yesterday. She helps me see in a positive light what initially seem like my meagre triumphs. She's good for me I've set some small goals and expectations for myself, with her guidance, for the near future:- take a little more initiative in social relationships. Call and invite once in a while, as well as continuing to say yes to invitations that are extended to me- continue to tie up lose ends from the divorce and from living on my own We did an anxiety reality check: I m

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Thursday?!

Well, I am sleeeeeepy. It is cold outside. Cold inside, my hands are cold. I had a great visit with my friends the last couple days. Lot of fun. The break was good, too. Not much else to say right now. Cept I would really like to go home and crawl back into my nice warm bed. It's so hard to get up when it's cold and gloomy outside. I like this guy:

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counsellor

my sister saw her counsellor the other day, the same one i had which isnt allowed but somehow it happened. strange. my sister said she cried buckets and it turns out she held back on being depressed then because my mum was dying at the time from being so depressed and starving herself and i was extremely ill with major depression anxiety and ocd. she felt she had to be strong and be the only normal person in our family. i got tears in my eyes listening to her cos she said she spoke about my mums

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Intro to me...

Wow..It's strange how life can change so much in a matter of months- this time last year I was doing great, having beaten my depression once before, and back at another university for a fresh start. Now? Well, I'm just... here. in my bedroom, on the laptop, 24/7 pretty much. I no longer have any wants, needs, desires, and my mood swings are getting worse. So much so in fact that I end up cutting myself pretty much every day, and they're not pretty... I've just given up smoking, my therapist wa

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my SIL

My brother M's wife had a growth removed from her face. Been there for years, but just recently started growing. Got an e-mail today that it was cancerous......I so wish M were here to take care of her........

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