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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
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sleep/meds/TC/dreams

woah I'm tired, really shouldn't be though.worked an early shift yesterday and got back about 4pm, went to sleep and woke back up at 11pm to take my uniform off and get into my pj's, then slept through until 11am this morning.Chatted to my mum and she said that she wnats me to come off my meds because they make me too sleepy, dopey and confused. I'm not sure about the dopeyness I think that might just be me? Nobody else has seemed to notice that I'm not quite with it. I'm not really sure what to

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not again...really need weight advice

this may be triggering for people dealing with weight issues...So I step on the scale today and I'm up to 240lbs. I just want to die. Right now I'm so nauseated. I just got done binging on pumpkin pie and I'm doing all I can to not purge, but then I think of that number and it makes me sick. I don't know what I'm going to do. I used to weigh 120lbs. How did I let this happen to myself? I'm so ashamed. I was looking at thanksgiving pics and I look horrible. I think I outweigh my dad now. How emba

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Snow age 2005...memoairs

We're getting snowed in. Actually we WERE 'cus it's been snowing for days and now out of the gray- it started to rain.On the trace of winter fairy tale I still object to drive on our messy roads. Yesterday it took me 1 hour/ 20 km and still some curves were hard to handle. Which brings back some of my ''old'' car crash memories... though only one happened in winter. I was such a jinx years ago. I had 3 cars crashed mine during one year time...hitchiking from one of the accidents the man who took

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minimizing a commercial holiday trap

It is the day after Thanksgiving. How am I feeling? Rotten. But I think that is the PMS, not anything related to the holiday. I was a raging Biotch last night and I feel awful for it. Well, kinda awful for it. My huband drives me crazy sometimes. So everytime he said something sarcastic, I shot something back. Anytime he whined, I called him on it. I was just a Biotch. I know I should handle it differently, and I usually do, but I had no restraint last night. te he Actually, I am kinda smiling w

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friday

so can't believe that the week is over, went really quickly for me. tuesday was not a good day, was gettting so anxoius about my shift that I was getting all panicy cryi9ng shaking and rocking for a few hours. I wnated to cut so badly, but i'd gone 8+ weeks and didn't want to do it. my thoughts started to turn to ODing (and being a tuesday i had all 7 days worth of meds), so i gave in a ended up cutting. Which I'm sort of mixed about now, I am sad that i did it after so long. but if i hadn't som

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Ay chavving

thats a bit of doric for ye, means I'm still going strong. Not got a cold, the rash has disappeared, haven't walked out of TC for over a week. Things are going sort of ok.Just can't be bothered to write anything down.

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Politics

Just for anyone who's looking at this post-- it's just going to be a rant about politics (hence the title).Woke up today and got really angry... The TC and all young adult support together with mental health wards around Cambridgeshire are all threatened to be closed. I know, I know, other counties are facing the same thing. But for what reason? To save

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Can't sleep, but can eat

Well, I really can't sleep tonight. I had my friend E over tonight, and she looked fabulous, as usual. I do worry about her, that she gets too obsessed over weight loss. Maybe it's a kind of jealousy, that she's a size 12 and diminishing. I am a size 18/20, so I think I am jealous, but in a good way.She keeps me going, keeps me believing in myself, that I am a good person, that I am worth something.I am currently on Escitalopram (10 mg). I am going to the doctor today to talk to her about my dos

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Thanksgiving

Good day. Just got back from the inlaws. I'm full... think I had too much pie... The food was OK, although J's mom was a bit, OK a LOT , sloshed. Dang. Tomorrow we have to make the trip to see his father's side of the family. Glad they decided to wait a day. My head is bursting. Headache. I got overwhelmed from all the attention. We told them today that they will be great gran/pa, uncle, great uncles, great aunts, etc. But other than that, I had a good time...

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Hmmmmmish...

OOOOK this post is just for me to clarify what I feel's going on. Or an attempt to do so anyway...At the TC prep meeting on tuesday we reviewed what had happened the previous week in the visit, and all three of us came to the conclusion we wanted to join. One of the therapists pointed out that I still see the community as "them" instead of "us", and I simply pointed out I don't feel it's my place to do so yet. I guess the whole event with Claire last week scarred me more than I thought. Row real

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Bummed...

Last two mornings I've woke up feeling crummy....like depression is knocking at the windowpane, saying "REMEMBER ME?" And I don't know if it is depressive symptoms or just some random suck, 'cuz I've been feeling really good for the last few weeks. Stressed about Thanksgiving travel, I guess. That danged Ontario lake effect snow machine has cranked up for the holidays, like it does every year. I wish we could just stay home. It's not like if we wad the truck it's just me and DW....we've got

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SOS potential Relationship breakdown?

tonight has been so so hard...came back from the tc prep meeting and coffee afterwards with two of the girls and felt so drained... Chris came round at about 6 pm, which was only about 2 hours after I finally got home. We've decided that the weekends is our time, but on the weeknights we're gonna play it by ear. I love him so so much that at the moment, I don't want to destroy him, and just want him to walk away. Finding it so hard all of a sudden, I just went crazy tonight again. I'd asked Chri

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Single for life? 11/22/05

Maybe this blog will come back to haunt me someday, I don't know. I was thinking today about under what circumstances I would get married again. Know what I came up with? NONE!! Never again do I want to have to tiptoe around because of another person's moods. Never do I want to waste energy fighting about miniscule stuff like who didn't empty the dryer or who forgot what at the store. Now I can do what I want, when I want and how I want. Why would I ever give that up? I have the greatest friends

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Sheer despair

So my mum and dad shouted at me again this morning and it had me in pieces. I was crying and begging them to stop but they still shouted. My mum said she was trying to "bully" me out of it. God :( I won't sleep tonight. I know I'll just cry and cry. I wish someone loved me. I wish he was with me again.Life isn't worth living.

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Monday Monkey lives for the weekend!

I really have nothing much to say right now. So I'll just stare at the screen for awhile...hehe just kidding. But I am sleepy enough to do it. My head still feels congested. Thought I got rid of the crud, but I guess it's made a come-back. I saw Harry Potter yesterday. It was awesome! Very good, although they had to cut a lot out, it was still good stuff. Might have some news in a day or two, we shall see. Patience, precious, patience....

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About My Mom

I know these talks about my parents can get a little tough and folks never know what to say, but today I thought I'd get some stuff about her out into the open. All on one page. As I will soon be a mom, I think it's important to work out some issues I have with her, here & in T, whether or not I talk to her again IRL.We all know she's a 'disorganized schizophrenic,' meaning she's not really always psychotic. It's just what she says makes no sense. Somehow the muffins in the oven in some way

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Ranting Away

Alrighty, then. Let's blog! I'm on a short time limit - as always - but let's see if I can get some of this stuff out before I explode!Me - background. 40 y/o bipolar married female. Currently unmedicated and un-therapied. We'll save all that for another entry! Tis the Season for me....this time of year it's all downhill so my current mindset is a little screwed up. I am the biggest holiday scrooge on the face of the planet. I try to pass myself off as a normal holiday person but my kids

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my weekend

so what happened this weekend?saturday I got a text from kai saying that she was going over to nans for dinner, did i want to go over aswell or mee afterwards. I didn't want to go to nans because of the whole birthday card thing. and because she always makes me feel bad every time i go. but then nan phoned and took my by surprise so i couldn't ay anything aprt from 'yes i'd love to go round for dinner'it wasn't too bad, kai's engagement ring is gorgeous and ian in absolutly fantastic, she really

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It gets worse and worse

I woke up crying again today. Still haven't been in the shower and my mum is getting angry with me :-(. I feel under pressure to be happy and I don't know what to do. I would probably be talking to my other half right now if he hadn't dumped me.I feel like suicide. I honestly do. I hate myself and I hate this worldI'm so sad :( I can't believe I've lost him. I'm in so much pain and I just don't know what to do.

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End of the week!!

This'll be somewhat more of a cheerful entry than thursday afternoon's one was...Chris and I in the evening finally managed to sort out our differences, but it took until this weekend for me to change my MSN name back to something "nicer"; I still wanted to punish myself so much...The biggest problem I had that afternoon was that although I went to cut my arms, afterwards it didn't feel like enough. I wanted more. I needed to inflict more damage!! I guess I'm kinda getting immune to it now, so t

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Frightened.

Im very scared someone close to me online has done something in the heat of depression, desperation and anger. I hope he hasnt and he has thought things through. His life has been so hard and he needs help but I can only email him words of love and care. I dont have his mobile number. It was yesterday he wrote the suicide note and no one has heard from him. I dont know what to do. I cant cry because Im telling myself he hasnt done it and he will be in touch.

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