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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
    • 16 comments
    • 4,993 views
 

crutch.

what are we gonna do? dont change for me change for you, these things i never knew and you throw it in my face tell me you told me before in another place and another time lets ride back through space, nope, no memory of this, of that there is no trace. dont make me feel guilty for things i didnt know, dont make me cry and make me want to go, stop pushing me away my rejection it just grows and i still love you i still love you but why? god only knows. youre m

dizzy_up_the_girl

dizzy_up_the_girl

 

Update

Hey, well Im kind of worried because Robs told me hes bullimic and makes himself sick when hes scared or stressed or eaten too much. I dont know much about this, but told him he needs to see a counsellor because it could escalate and get worse and its better to nip it in the bud but he wont listen. on another note helens mum has been warned to leave me alone by the police. i have now got 2 unconditionals for unis in london which im chuffed about. my best mate said if i stay here i will rot wit

dizzy_up_the_girl

dizzy_up_the_girl

 

Things I do...

Can't seem to do anything right. At times I seem to have no concept of common manners that other people live by. I am empathic, I feel others pain. The decision about my work is bearing down on me. Got a letter on friday saying that if I don't go back to work in Feb they will sack me, so it is official. They still won't tell me where a job will be, it might not even be with the agency I worked for, it might be anywhere in Scotland. I still can't make up my mind. I am scared to go bac

firelizardee

firelizardee

 

More Triggers!!!

I'm pretty numb at the moment. Don't want any more triggers to attack me so I'm not going to TC today. TC no longer is the contained safe environment it was once seen as. Last week alone there were 3 arguments, 4 walk-outs, one suicide attempt and at least 2 cuttings. None of this was spoken about. People came in filled to the brim with emotions, and left the same way. If not worse. What was the main topic of discussion? About how none of us felt we had enough time to go through what we felt

SanzeKuhne

SanzeKuhne

 

triggering visit from ex

Ex just stopped over to pick up mail. He's made a bid on a house, to move into when he and his fiancee wed in May. He's on his way now to visit our daughter. Sadness and anger is welling up inside me. His life moves on so easily, while I sit here alone and unhappy. Life's not fair. I knew this whole process wouldn't be easy, but these emotional setbacks are difficult to take. I thought I was doing better, and that each contact with ex was less triggering. Today I feel like I haven't moved forwa

lizard

lizard

 

More Moroseness, urgh

Last night I sat in my bed and thought about how there is no one I talk to anymore about how I'm feeling or what's going on. And that I want to talk to someone, but I am afraid to, and don't feel there is anyone I can talk to anyway. My friends are great. The small group of people whom I actually consider my friends are the most brilliant people on the planet, to me. But I still don't talk to them. Why would these brilliant people want to hear about my angst anyway? But it's not just that. I'

roseadage

roseadage

 

AAH!!

I'm feeling really confused and stressed at the moment... I don't feel any emotions at all, apart from tension and I don't understand why. The last week or so has been crazy, even reading back on my last post I can see just how emotionally unavailable I am at the moment, and how dependant I am upon the Lorazepam. I've only got like 4 left, and I'm off to see the pdoc on tuesday. Hopefully he'll be able to give me some answers? Although I doubt it of course. Will be as dismissive as before... I

SanzeKuhne

SanzeKuhne

 

Worrying life

well lets see, went out last night drank the usual too much but didnt even approach a woman. :) success well a start only women I danced with were my mates girl and his brothers girl. The guys dont like dancing. That was cool and their threatening glances were quite worrying. I can be trusted. Recently I have taken a lot of people for grantted. Including one of you who reads this. I am sorry about this. I cant explain why i gave the impression/why i did but it was wrong of me. Suzie with out

minion

minion

 

My Psychic Prediction

OK, I'm gonna make a serious psychic prediction today. I havent told the old man (dad) that I am having a daughter, his granddaughter. I will today. I anticipate him to express disappointment, quite clearly about not having the 'boy' he always wanted. They knew I would be the last child, and he even told me once how he'd wished I been a boy.... I am seriously preparing myself for this response. He's always told me he wanted me to have a boy, cuz he never did. He will not have enough tact to k

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

Generally feeling rubbish

Firstly - thanks so much to everyone who commented to my last entry in here. I haven't worked out how to reply to comments yet so I'll just say thanks here instead :) Today is pretty rough... I woke up to hear my parents yelling at one another and that continued for another two hours while I lay in bed and cried (and cut under the covers). Then I've just been feeling really low all day. Myabe because I had 2 good days in a row, Thursday I spent all day doing homework and got most of it finishe

roseadage

roseadage

 

home sweet home

Well here i am Just sitting at my parents waiting for them to return. This will be the first time have seen them in two months. I am worried about what they would say if they find out i am on antidepressants. I dont know if i should tell them. Coming home has done what i wanted it to do though. It has stopped me feelings so bad in myself. I have always felt alone here and so this feeling of loneliness is kinda comforting. Still doent explain why the first thing i did was walk into the kitch

minion

minion

 

it's my bday

well it's officially my bday. no one has called, but it's still early I guess. everyone has a habit of forgetting my bday. my friend is here though from out of town and I guess she's going to cook dinner and try to throw a little party for me since I can't go out. I hope I have a nice evening.

Tanha

Tanha

 

Another picturistic evening

Well today at work was ok. Didnt have any coffee breaks, but i can live with that. My own choice I had to get my work done. This evening I was going to meet up with some friends because i wouldnt see them for a few weeks. At 7:00 one said she was going to winchester and her best friend couldnt come. No real reason was given to me about this. Then at 7:30 she tried to drag her best friend off her just so i could drink. So didnt see either of them. These two know i how i am. I really wanted

minion

minion

 

boredom

Dilemma: I'm bored, but I don't want to do anything. The depression, anxiety and chronic pain preclude me from working - I'm on Social Security Disability. The depression leaves me feeling lethargic and unmotivated; the anxiety leaves me "frozen"; the pain escalates on those occasions when I do push myself to do some activity, so it's a great un-motivator. I have nothing useful to fill up my days, and with my daughter grown and independent and me being single, there's nothing to fill up my eve

lizard

lizard

 

!!!!

EVERYTHING'S OK!!!! It's a GIRL!!!!! iknewitiknewitiknewitiknewitiknewit i knew she was a she!! ahem... i still stand beside my previous entry...

scarletworld

scarletworld

 

it's almost my bday

well Dec 17 I'll be 25. woo fricken hoo. I'm a little miserable at the moment thanks to my injuries and I can't do much of anything for my bday, xmas, new years, etc. I might have a couple of friends come over Sat night just to hang out since I can't do anything. I hope they can come.

Tanha

Tanha

 

I just realized I had no tattoo entries!

I'm thinking of getting my 18th tattoo. This one is small and I'm thinking of putting it on my arm. It's a little birdie...very cute. Don't want to describe it all the way yet til I get it so you'll have to wait. :-P let's list my tats so far music clef with rose through it butterfly tribal heart star saggitarius sign, bow and arrow music note with a rose on top of it dreamcatcher kanji symbol for dream tribal sun floral back piece star and moon piece on foot and ankle moon rose

Tanha

Tanha

 

life changes as life fails to change

fourweeks ago the doc perscribed me some anti depressants. :S i didnt know what to think when he did this. Didnt really think I was that bad. After some umming and ahhing i decided to take them. one week later. I started to cut my self. I dont know why i did. I just broke down. I have not really stopped myself. I have just hurt so many ppl around me. I dont even know exactly how i did it. The doc has doubled my dose recently. I have just seen people i thought were my friends push me away. N

minion

minion

 

mirage of happiness

Well hear i am again. My blog... Well i will try and continue from where i was perviously. I moved in my current housemates in july. We are here until the end of august next year. I met this girl Claire. She was a amazing. We got on really well, i asked her out but she said wait. I pushed her a bit but she just said wait. She went off to do her first year of uni in B'ham a long way from the southampton i live in. I tried to be hopeful. I think i was just still on the rebound. She is the firs

minion

minion

 

A life i never understood

Hi Well this is my first blog entry. I was surgested that writing about my life may give myself some meaning and a way of expressing what is on my mind. Who knows but it is worth a shot and it means i am using both my hands. This will probably make little sense unless you know me, but hopefully with time you will see and understand. How knows this may be my only entry. Well first a bit about me. Looking back at my life i feel that i was never what my mother wanted. This was made clear from

minion

minion

 

Trigger!!!

Wow... Crazy few days... http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/regio...ed050420593.lpf first of all, so you can see just what sh** we put up with from the government. they're such a bunch of t*ssers. That night, after my post, my tension and frustration just wouldn't let go. I didn't even want to reach out for help anymore; I was just in too much pain to bother... So after having had chats to Chris convincing him that I would have to go away and disappear from everything and everyone, I took

SanzeKuhne

SanzeKuhne

 

they like me, they like me not

It is so hard for me when I think someone doesn't like me...it is hard to explain. I guess I just try so hard to be nice to people that I think "how can they _not_ like me?". Of course, never mind that I am hating myself alot of the time...no one else should, dammit! I am getting over this as the years pass. I'm not near so anxious to bend over backwards to make someone else happy no matter how it makes me feel. I no longer feel the need to place everyone else's feelings above my own. (just mo

jillivinilly

jillivinilly

 

Self image

I just spent the last twenty minutes trying (and failing) to force myself to throw up. I'm disgusting. I'm fed up with never being able to be the person I want to be, physically. What skinny nine year old refuses to wear a dress because they are "too fat" for it? What skinny eleven year old makes she she sits next to the largest girl in the classroom to feel less self consciously fat by comparison? Why can't I see myself the same way that everyone else does? When I look back on me then, I know I

roseadage

roseadage

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