What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
The little guy/gal is right on time! Strong little heartbeat. I think I'm actually starting to get excited! but ssssh! don't tell j! but I'll hold off a bit longer untill results from the amnio come back. We have one scheduled for the 1st weeks of Dec. to check for some pretty rough congenital disorders in my fam.Anyhoo....My jerk dad keeps calling. Guess I'll call him back. And maybe tell him he's gonna be a grandad next May. The t and me discussed it, and she says I should tell him when I'm ready and not a moment before. I am. Just want to get it over with. But I will NOT go over there. If he wants to see me, he can come to our house. Sit on the couch and feel uncomfy with J's glares. Tough doodoo. No Thanksgiving with him either. He stresses me out too much. And going over there would surely bring on panic or a depressive episode. If he wants a T-day meal he can come back AFTER the fact and have leftovers, when I'M ready. My mom can kiss my ***.These are my boundaries and I'm sticking to them, *******it! I can't stress myself out over the holidays like every year. If nobody likes it, tough. I think I'm proud of myself for this one!
walked out of TC again today. can't break down in front of people, can't talk at TC cos they tell me I should be greatful that I'm not an earthquake vicitim, who has lost her parents, siblings and limbs. I kid you not that's what one person said to me. waited 1/2 before walkign out, could feel myself coming apart. Now at home, online and wondering what to do. Eileen
Today I missed Joty. I missed him really bad. Isn't that so like a girl to change her mind? I kept thinking today of how much he loves me and continues to love me despite my asking for this time out. Shouldn't I consider myself lucky to be with him? Isn't that what we're all looking for?Am I just pushing him away because of my blackholes? I don't understand what my brain is doing to me. I feel like the most awful girl in the entire planet. How could I hurt him like this?What am I gonna do?Dan and LBD, you guys must really think I'm nuts by now.
My goodness, Doesn't seem to be a day that I don't run around like a headless chicken anymore!!Today was a really emotional day; had the guts to go back into the Therapeutic Community (TC) for a visit, and I took an anti-anxiety as I got there, for kinda good luck...Anyway, I turn up, and in the first meeting of the day, the so-called Community Meeting the ball is eventually passed around to me and how I felt about coming today. This was after two of the people in the group had said that they weren't gonna come today tomorrow or friday because there were visitors; they simply don't want to deal with them. What a ****ing attitude to have! I'm sorry, but when you know there's new people who are coming, couldn't they at least have thought back to when THEY first started? So that they could at least TRY to understand a little bit just how terrifying it must've been for us to be there?? Sorry but just had to get that off my chest...Then the therapists asked me how I was feeling, and questioned me deeply about why I was feeling OK this time, and did it really mean OK since I'd said that the previous visit, and then never completed it. Well, I couldn't really answer it. So they probed some more. ANYWAY! When the first meeting was over, I was able to turn around to the two others who were on the visit too, and it felt nice to know I wasn't the only one... One of the girls seemed pretty gobsmacked about what was going on, and couldn't really get many words out of her. Whereas the other one was on the verge of tears, and felt so uncomfortable. It was nice to be on the visit, knowing I'd done it before, and realising it was easier to do it this time around!! Then we moved on to relationship and family group, which wasn't too bad, finished off with a shared lunch. I really can't believe how smoothly I thought the whole thing had gone, and I think it was mostly thanks to my Lorazepam! hehe wrong I know...When I got home, came on to my computer to check my email, and guess who's online? My beloved ex. The one who I couldn't fault, ever. The "Ross" in Ross and Rachel from Friends (me being Rachel of course) with the whole; will-we-wont-we get back together. I started talking to him, and at the time it was as if my heart was going to rip itself out of my chest and go to him; I longed for him so much!! But soon, we got talking about what we were both up to nowadays. When he asked me what I was up to, I simply said I wasn't at uni because I was a bit poorly at the moment. WHAT THE HELL???????That proved to me, that on no level, was I willing to trust him with this, the biggest thing in my life, ever. It was only from that point on, that I started to realise just what a sh*t he'd been to me in our relationship by dumping me the way he did. (More I believe is in order!)But. Then I went to see Chris. This is after last night, when I was so anxious about the visit, my b*tchy side took over and pretty much told him over MSN that I hated him, and that he would never respect the true "me" as he'd only ever seen me when I was ill, so was he wanting me to be ill permanently? Who knows.Anyway I went to see him, because tonight it was a pretty big deal for him-- his dad had asked him to come and see him (together with some other relatives) as a goodbye before xmas (his dad lives in Spain with his stepmum, he'd not seen Chris since 2 xmases ago) and it was truly moving.His dad is a w*nker, totally. He has done some things to his family an Chris's mum that noone should ever be forgiven for, but tonight I didn't see that side at all, but it was hard not to in the beginning when I'd been given such a set interpretation of who he was really like. What I saw was a man who had begun to see what he was missing from his "previous" life; he had his oldest son, who should be proud of him, sitting there and not reacting to anything he said. He was apparently in charge of selling some property worth
But not in a good way, on the suicidal scale. Keep crying. Only thing stopping me taking an overdose this past weekend was the thought that I'd work to do for someone at Rosebank. pdoc tried asking me how I felt and tried ot get me talking about things. Difficult to get a clear idea. Am I running from myself? Am I running from the future? Am I running from the nasty world? I want to die in sunshine, not the dark.I can't talk about it.. Can't talk about work thing, don't know what I want. pdoc will give supporting medical report if I want to go down the route of medical retirement. Advice worker at rosebank, says I can negotiate better working deal ie place of work, adjustments to be made. But what do I want? I DONT KNOW. maybe I've been running away all my life, the time is coming when I need to make a decision. Just what is the decision?
Wow. My first blog. I used to journal here but, as with everything else, I quit. So now I'm a blogger. WTH is a blogger, anyway? What's the difference between blogging and journaling? I call myself "empty" now. That's what I feel - just empty. Like there's something missing but I can't seem to put my finger on it. There's just *****. Maybe blogging will help. God knows I've got a lot to say - it's just a matter of having the time to say it. Privavcy is a non-entity in my life but if I don't get some of this stuff out I'll explode. So I'll blog when I can and hope for the best. I am going to have to get a dictionary or something, though, and see what this "blog" thing really is!
Whenever I'm alone with youYou make me feel like I am home againWhenever I'm alone with youYou make me feel like I am whole againWhenever I'm alone with youYou make me feel like I am young againWhenever I'm alone with youYou make me feel like I am fun againHowever far awayI will always love youHowever long I stayI will always love youWhatever words I sayI will always love youI will always love you ~The Cure
Have I mentioned that I'm fat. I've gained 115lbs in 6 years. I've gained about 50lbs in just the past 9 months. I have stretch marks on top of stretch marks. I'm almost 25 years old and I look like I've had 3 kids with all the stretch marks I have...I haven't had a single child. At least I'm not concerned about my body going to hell when I have kids...it's already there. I was a plus size model in a fashion show earlier this month and that was nice, but I was the biggest one there. I guess that's what "plus size" means though. I need to do something. I need to exercise, but because of my history with anorexia athletica I have issues with exercise. I get WAY too into it and go way too far. I haven't figured out how to work out like a normal person. I guess that's part of the reason I've gained weight...I'm trying to do the opposite of what I used to do. I am so unhealthy.
November 10I am feeling so conflicted right now. I haven't had any really bad days, I'm performing well at work, I have been feeling okay, I am doing what needs to be done (Git er done!) But I also feel so crappy. I don't have enough time to myself...except I would probably spend it in bed. I am going through the motions but the joy is still gone. We have gotten a few new accounts at work which in theory should thrill me. I am relieved for the company, because we need the business, but I have no rush from it. I am not in the mood to celebrate. I don't even have a smile on my face.The future looks bleak. It is hard for me to get excited about anything. I put up a good front for my daughter. At least I hope I do. But there are days I just don't want to be in my life. I would rather watch someone else live my life that can enjoy it the way it deserves to be enjoyed. I have so much to be thankful for and all I can do is whine and complain. Pathetic.
I never seem to remember to post this as "Published" so it's sat as a draft for a week.....*sigh* I'll figure it out eventually.I upped my WB today. My focus improved a great deal, though I can't say the same for my depression. But I spent several hours going through paperwork that has sat in huge piles everywhere in this house. I set up file holder on my desk where I can put incoming mail, and everyone has a folder there for filing. It gives me a place to put important things for the kids for when they come by. And putting everything for paying the bills, and filing in one place should make me more productive. My desk is still a mess, but it's just "stuff" not papers and that counts for a lot. I feel terribly disconnected today as if I'm living in my head. I had a moment today where I suddenly looked down and realized, I was me. That was a strange sensation. I don't understand why I feel so strange, when I've been on this combo of meds before. But I am anxious about work tomorrow and feeling "normal". I don't want to be weird, but I feel like I'm walking around in a bubble. As much as I find the sensation uncomfortable, I think it is better than walking around angry and rensentful. My head seems to be full of plans and ideas and I am enjoying that because it sure beats focusing on the same negative things over and over. I want to do about 10 things at once....which is more like me when I'm not depressed....but I just don't really feel much.I've noticed that somewhere around 2pm I seem to sort of backslide, I get agitated and angry. I am thinking that maybe I need to take my second dose of neurontin sooner as this is what seems to keep me on an even keel. I'll try taking it at lunch and see if that helps. okay, that's enough for today. Nothing creative, inspirational or exciting. Just life in a bubble. :ermm:Papers that reek of responsibilitystacks of orders and demandssilently insistingpecking at my brain. That is life here in the bubblea burning need to orderto fileto storeto trashto freefree the items to do what they mustinstead of sitting about collecting dustand free up space in my head somewhereso that I might find time and room to careabout old friends that moved awayabout impending wedding days about the widowed motherwhos life was dashed by fate.A vital man who held my handwho taught me how to praywho said: don't believe all thatthey tell you" But to what your still small voice may say?"There is not much air to his bubbleand each day is a giftof burning lungs and tearing coughas further on he driftstoward God.If you believe in such a thingand I know that he mustfor he lived by faith, and placed in someand unwavering trust he is not ready yet to gobut I cry for who he used to bethat man in all my memoriescould build a boat, a chair, or clockand rebrick an entire deckhe worked all day in an office buildingand came home quite a wreckbut he taught us how to buld a boat with hammer saws and nails...Well gee.....maybe I left this as a draft because I didn't finish it...do you think?
Well I did some more shopping today. BUT...people said they were going to pay for it for my xmas and bday presents. I don't know if that's good or not, but hey if someone else wants to pay while I shop how can I say no?!?
Just when you think you've had the 'morning' sickness beaten. Poof. Back again. Had to leave work and cancel t for tonite. Plus a headache, almost migraine but not quite.Then I get home and there's a bunch of roofers making a mess taking down the shingles from our apt. roof. The owner didn't give us proper notification. Anyway, they were just tossing the mess over the side of the house and busted one of our windows. The building manager was p*****. Apparently, the owner decided to go with these folks becuase they bid $30 cheaper than the mgmt company's usual guys. They also broke the skylight in our poor neighbor's flat upstairs. She's gonna go through the roof (yes, bad pun, bad!) Anyway, we go out there to say something (me & J) and they pull this don't know English crap Funny, they understood and spoke English just fine when I chatted with them this morning b4 leaving for work! Anyways, gotta pile on the blankies. It's gonna be cooold tonite. So my day to come home with nausea and headache and vomiting turned out to be worse than if I'd stayed at work anyways. Too loud, too stressed, too ticked.Anyways, we have another appt tomorrow. I think we get to hear the baby's heart for the first time!
I've been so sad lately. Been shopping again too...not good. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Last night I had to call my dad to come over at 1am because I was afraid to leave my bedroom. I'm so screwed up. I have an appt with a nurse practioner at my pdoc's office Wed because my pdoc is booked. I hope she can help me.
Ever since I learned that I'm suffering from BPD, I've been trying to learn more and more about it.One of the "symptoms" if you like has to do with abandonement, or that You've FELT you were abandoned. I couldn't quite place it until this weekend. My dad was being nice this weekend. What I mean by "nice" is that he was actually wanting to spend time with us kids. That's when I realised that it's HIM I've felt abandoned from. When I was younger, all the way through school and college (high school for you guys across the pond) I remember talking to mum about how much I didn't know dad. Don't get me wrong, my family is still very much together, my parents are celebrating their 30 years of being married this year, and they've helped each other through thick and thin..But when it came to certain things, he was never there. Emotionally, or even physically. When I finished college, he didn't even congratulate me. When I left for university, he didn't even see me off. The only times he was around when I was younger was when I was struggling with my homework, and although I HATED going to ask him for help, I knew I had no other choice, since I just couldn't understand what we were meant to do. He wasn't a very patient teacher, and we'd often have huge arguments, that would lead to dad ripping out pages in my exercise book, of what I'd done wrong, and then expect me to do it all again. My teachers would then comment on the fact that my books were getting thinner and thinner, but I could never bring myself to tell them the real reason. He was never a stranger to hitting me either as a child; it was his only way to calm me down. Even then I remember I'd get the crazy angry ways I've got now, and instead of trying to calm me down, dad would easily lose his temper at me back, and we'd end up screaming at each other, leading to him hitting me. I've told mum recently about how he used to hit me, but mum denies it all; as far as she remembers, it never happened, so I must be making it up.Throughout my teens, what with us moving to england from sweden, and having to settle into an english speaking school with our limited vocabulary, you'd've thought it would've brought us closer together. But in the end, it drove us further apart. It got so bad that in the end, I would tell my mum quite happily that I didn't care if dad was my real dad or wasn't; he wasn't my father figure after all, and I didn't feel any connection with him.It's only in the last year or so that dad's started to stop taking his family for granted. He's started to spend more time with us all, and started giving us praise where we deserved it. Especially now, with me going through all this, he's started to get quite supportive. But I still don't see him as my father; I still just see him as mum's boyfriend or someone like that. I'm constantly suspicious of him, and I admitted to a friend of mine recently that when I was given a hand-me-down mobile from dad, I was dreading it, because I was worried what kind of information I'd find on there; did he have another family somewhere? Did he have a mistress? How am I expected to trust someone who's pretty much blanked me (or so I feel) throughout most of my life, and now, 22 years on, has finally decided he'd like to take an interest? Part of me thinks that maybe it's too late for dad and I. Don't get me wrong, I still hear him out when he has things to say, and I still respect him, but I don't think I'll ever see him as my Dad.
Are they deliberately trying to p*ss me off?? Or is it just me...Last week has been alright, I suppose. I saw Chris pretty much near-on every night, and he stayed for the weekend.I went to see an old friend of mine. I only really got talking to her last year when I was sitting outside the Head Of Studies' office, waiting to see the woman in there about my mitigation for uni, and she herself was wanting to get an extension for work. It turned out that we'd both had pretty similar pasts, and we were both on medication (she took hers on and off tho, not sure if I agree with that though...) and we saw each other once or twice again- properly- before I went away for summer. Seeing her again was nice; the only issue I had with it was that she KNEW I'd made a huge effort to go and see her (it was the first time with me driving since godknowswhen and trying to find her house in the dark, and not stressing? Well, easier said than done!) and when I arrived she couldn't even crack a smile... It was odd! But turns out she wanted to use me as a counsellor that night, knowing that I wasn't feeling great anyway (I've always been the agony aunt in the past for my friends and family; The Rock so to speak, that made everyone smile and laugh) and towards the end of her moan, all I could do was say "I really don't know..."It just really p***** me off, cos I'm SO USED to being able to help people, and now I really can't do it. My body's finally said Enough Is Enough and even when she was telling me all about her life, and how miserable she was, I automatically switched off and wished I was somewhere else. I suggested to her that she'd go and speak to someone about it, like a counsellor. Then that was advice-time over. I'm still finding it hard to open up to people about how I feel, because half of the time I don't know myself what's going on. BUT here's a funny example for you all:The other day I'd had enough of an old "friend" "taking advantage".. In reality he was only on a forum that I'd shown him once that I was on, and had recently started to come onto the same chat. There was not really a problem as such, apart from the fact that I'd found out the truth about something. When I first met him at uni, he seemed like a really insecure kinda guy, and at the time I felt pretty ok-ish, and whenever I saw him I used to say that if he ever needed to talk etc I was there. My normal schpiel, you know? WEEELLLL a few weeks later, he's managed to get my phone number, is out every time that I am (which I didn't REALLY mind so much, don't get me wrong) and had broken up with his girlfriend, because she'd cheated on him. They'd been together for about 2 years; she'd been the reason he'd moved up from Swansea and he was now having to move out of the house because she was begging for him to get back with her, which he refused. All the while I was trying to support him, and be nice etc. Then, he said that part of the reason he didn't want to get back with her was because he was crazy about me! I thought, oops, I shouldn't've been so nice to him etc in the past, but that's my nature! Eventually he got back with his ex, but then I was inforuemd through a mutual friend he could never speak to me again! So in all of this, I was being made out to be the bad guy?? HOW??I didn't really dwell on it too much, I mean I was just happy for him that he'd managed to get back with his ex, but then about 2 weeks ago, I found out what had really happened. She'd never cheated on him. He'd left her, for me. When I refused him, he toddled back to her. This, of course, left me with a really bad reputation, and loads of my friends who vaguely knew his (ex) girlfriend were questioning me and my behaviour. Sure, they'd all seen me out with him, but they'd never seen me hug or kiss him had they? Well, if they had they must've been mistaken, cos I swear I never did!This made me SO D*** angry, I just couldn't believe that he was making out I was the bad person out of all of this, when all I'd done was to try and cheer him up in his difficult times!! Gah...SO when I saw him on the forum, AND on my chat, I asked him plain out- is it ok for me now to be friends with him again or not, since he was on "my" chat etc. He simply said NOT and left it at that. Making me feel even worse about myself; I was made to feel as if I was worth nothing!All the while Chris and Tom (a mate of mine who knows the guy in question too) were telling me he wasn't worth it etc, but I wasn't gonna let this rest. In one of my raging moments, I sent him a message through the forum asking him to leave it, since I was the one who introduced him to it, and it was one of the few places I felt happy. The guys who ran the forum were close friends of MINE, and had been for years. I then questioned him about the girlfriend thing, and asked him to sort out the reputation he'd caused me. His retaliation? Well, he sent a message to the runners of the board saying that he didn't want anything to do with the forum, or the chat, so could they close his account. And then he sent a message to me denying that he'd left his gf for me, and that my reputation had preceded me. ***????? I had never done anything to hurt ANYONE; why is it always the "bad" people in life who are accused of horrible things such as these??? Of course it meant that I'd not been able to let it rest, so I sent message on message back to him asking what my reputation was??In the end, I calmed down, realised the error in my ways, and then the admin people of the forum asked me if I knew why he was leaving. I told them the truth, and they couldn't see why I was acting the way I was! So in the end, I admitted defeat, told the admin that they should ban me from the forum and the chat for having been so mean to the guy, and after a long argument with them, they finally ok'd it and banned me. Moral of that story? The "bad" people always win. Why should I keep fighting? Or was it just that my idea of who was "bad" and "good" was wrong, and I was in fact the person who was bad? It didn't help matters, that's for sure.Now I can count all my friends on one hand, and that includes my boyfriend. From having been someone who would go out in the evening with one group of friends, and bump into several other groups who I knew, it's a pretty sad state. I watched Vanilla Sky the other night for the first time, and the difference between the amount of friends Tom Cruise's character had before and after his accident, well... I couldn't help but feel a strange resemblance.
I dont even want to go into thisI really dontI'll just paste it from my public blog, you can see what i wrote when angry and drunk then I'll add on other stuff that i forgot:As the tavares sang "Oh what a night" You should see the state of my ****ing hand. Its swollen double in size from battering the sweet **** out of the wall of the bar where it all kicked off. I was so ****ing angry at the injustice of it all. Its amazing when you learn who has loyalty and who doesnt. Who GIVES A **** and who doesnt. ****ing hell. I want to go out right now and kick some hairy dyke arse. Im really hot, like Im on fire. My rage is immense. We went to kings, we being me, Gemma, Barney and James. We sat alone not causing any harm to anyone while Robert sat with his soul mate and barely said two words to me. Mate rating 0 out of 10. Then Heidi, Biotch Rose, Jaymare and the lezzer personified Christine came in. Heidi walked past Gemma and blanked even though theyre meant to be mates still. Gemma went in the toilets after Heidi and had a go at her for being a stuck up Biotch. Heidi was all pathetic and childish well blahh blaahh blahh as she is and Gemma walked off. When Heidi came out of the toilets Gemma called Heidi a Biotch and Heidi raised her middle finger. I went to get a round in and glared at Heidi as she walked back in to he pub after her melodramatic attention seekeing moment outside with Jamie who also had blanked us all as he walked in. Robert left with Helen without saying Bye so I text him to say thanks for that then when he was back I curtly said Seeya later and walked out. Helen said bye and not him. Wow. We went to the crystal to play pool while Gemma went to work then went to James mums rich house and ate crisps and drank southern comfort. James left to get Gemma so Barney and I put banana in his drink but he noticed. Smooth. We got back for the pageant and me and Gemma needed the toilet. Heidi follwed Gemma in with Christine and some other 30 year old rug muncher. Heidi asked Gemma to repeat the text Gemma had sent to Heidi earlier. Gemma said "Youre a waster. You scav money off your mum and you cant act." I added "And youre a ****" Next thing you know Heidis on the floor then Gemmas on the floor with her head being held down by some Biotch as heidi is kicking gemma repeatedly in the face and Im punching Heidi repeatedly in the face to get her to stop it and cos i had lost my temper big time, until some lesbian shoves me away and demands we apologise for getting drink on her top. Err was I the one with the drink? Robert started hyperventilating and took me to the boys toilets after Gemma came out the toilets with a cut forehead and a cut under her eye. I smoked a fag cos I was so angry. Johnnie asked if I was OK and I said no. I was shaking with rage. And the worst part is my mates like Jamie, Helen and my boyfriend couldnt give a ****. It doesnt matter what Heidi did to hurt me 2 years ago, it doesnt matter that Rose treats me like s***. What matters is what the majority go with. The majority is right. Thats why we had world war two. Well **** the nazis and **** the dykes. This is war. I will get that Biotch back.Right thats what i wrote when drunk and emotional.what also happened was we stayed in there and heidi had about 20 women around her looking for a fight shouting who let the dogs out? to me and gemma. robert was standing on there side with helen. and thats why its over with me and him. as i left i said have fun with your new mates. he went to grab me and i told him not to touch me and walked out. he is a coward. he should have been by my side. not with rose and heidi and helen. its disgusting.My face doesnt fit in that bar, it doesnt fit with those people. they are nothing to me. they do nothing but hurt me. Im sorry theyre **** ups. Im sorry they have had bad things happen to them but its not my fault. theyre never there for me when i need them. They can leave me well alone.im not a fan of losing my temper. im a bottler by nature. i prefer to go cold and dismissive to shouting and screaming.... but i think in a way it was a good thing. healthy. im sure other people would have lost their temper and gave heidi a good slap a long time ago. i think other people with my life would lose their temper every day.....
Three days on wellbutrin......let the roller coaster ride begin. My life is in transition. It's as if there has been some kind of shift in my perspective and nothing looks quite the same. My life shifts beneath me. I am a mom but not a mom, The ties I've had to cut to allow my son enough freedom to mature seems overhwelming. Our meetings are always difficult at first and my role never feels clear. Even with my youngest son, I feel on the outside of his life. I know that these changes needed to happen, I just didn't know how hard it would be.I'm a daughter, but only to the degree that my parents will allow and as my fathers health declines, I feel shut out and unsure of exactly what my relationship is with either of my aprents. I come from a family that doesn't talk about their feelings, so getting in is hard. I go to work, but it feels emtpy. I feel cynical about the whole thing. Resentful of my employers and wishing I made half as much as them so I could retire soon. We talk about downsizing the house, but I hate to leave this house the way it is. It needs redoing, new floors, new cabinets in the kitchen, new wallpaper in the bathroom. I just don't know that I am willing to uproot again....not yet. The one thing I know about transition, is that it never passes quickly or easily. I will be months or years with this upheaval, before I am resettled in my heart or spirit.
Hi I am Rubber Duckie, I am thirty something with two little boys 6 & 8 yrs old. I find that being a parent is the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do in my life. I have a wonderful Husband that I need to spend more time with. If we did not have eachother I do not know what I would do. Depression has been with me on and off through out the years, I just try to deal with things as the come. Right now I my main issue is axiety, it has me by the throat most days. I can't relax and I stay in a constant cloak of guilt about parenting....
I'm so upset I could scream! I sent in a form to change my pension beneficiary from my ex to my daughter, and it came back mark rejected. Apparently, once a surviving beneficiary (ex) was chosen initially, it can't be changed. No way in the world do I want to leave money to him! Aaarrrrgh!!!I guess I'll just have to outlive him<lol>
Ok, I think I've given it enough thought. I've been seven days without Joty and although I do miss him, what I mostly feel is relief. That must sound so harsh but I can't seem to find a milder word for it.So to end his suffering right away...how do you tell the nicest guy you've ever met that you can't be with him right now? How do I break the heart of a guy who loves me with all of his being? He did everything he could and I repay him by crushing his heart into a million pieces? How can this be right???? What is wrong with this world???? What is wrong with me?????Am I sabotaging myself? is this the same as inflicting pain on yourself? I can't post this in the Members Needing Extra Support Now room because Joty will be able to read it. But I do need extra support. Please help me!
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I just bought 2 pair of designer jeans...I probably could've used one pair, but definitely not two. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll just return them. I'm giving myself a nervous stomach just thinking about it. Why can't I stop buying!?!
Rose is a girl. She is not beautiful like an actual rose, she doesnt make you think of romance, love, or passion. Rose is a girl who has put me down, talked about me behind by back, glared at me and rebuffed my hand of friendship TWICE since I was 16. It all started in college when my friend J (the weird one who I have a turbulent friendship with) decided he fancied me, then we became great friends and he thought he was in love with me. Rose worked with Jamie and fell in love with him herself, or infatuated, whatever. Rose is double my weight with a helmet hair cut and I guess because I make her feel bad about herself with the fact the boy she liked and still very much does liked me, she decided to try and take away my esteem. "Jos a freak why do you like her?" "Shes not even that pretty" "Jos ugly" etc etc she'd tell mutual friends this and theyd tell me and I would feel bad. One night out I grabbed her and asked her straight why was she doing this to me when she doesnt even know me? she apologised and said she would be nice to me and maybe we could be friends. I accepted and we shook hands. By the end of two weeks I was hearing what Rose had said again and getting the glares in town or whenever I saw her. Didnt see Rose or Jamie for a while, which was fair enough, Jamie got kicked out of college for bullying. Then I started seeing more of him again and Rose HATED it. started glaring at me making snide comments in front of me, stuff like that. I never retorted, only to say I had never done anything to her. One night I asked her why she hated me, and she said she didnt and that my ex best mate H (the one who gossiped to 2 people about my mums attempted suicide when when I told her I was shaking and crying. You cant forgive that.) was now her best mate and H had told Rose all about me. I bet she ****ing had. Lying Biotch. I told Rose that Heidi was a liar and shed see for herself soon enough and Rose told me not to talk that way about her mate. I said it was true though and Rose changed the subject and we got on OK. The next day Rose blanked me. I saw her that night and she gave me a dirty look like I was s*** on her shoe.Fool me once your fault fool me twice its mine.Never again will I allow that girl to try and speak to me and be nice. Never.Anyway, I told Robert about Rose and he said he wouldnt ever speak to her, I never told him he couldnt but he just said it. But last Saturday I went out with some of my mates and Rob went out with his soul mate. The pub he went to had Jamie and Rose in it. Rob text me to say sitting her with Rose Jamie and Helen Rose is so nice and funny I really like her. WHAT THE HELL?My sister said what the **** is he trying to do to you when he knows what rose is like? and i snapped wheres the loyalty?! and we sent texts to him saying tell rose shes a blah blah blah insult insult insult and Gemma said to tell him my boy mate looked really fit tonight to try and hurt him.Why would he say that to me? Jade said it was cos he wants a reaction out of me cos hes like a child.Robert had said he wanted to beat up my boy mate B and that he was gonna get helen to help. I told B this and we all cracked up laughing at the thought of it. We drank a bit more and the mood got quite dark. My sister hates rose cos of how she treats me and B wanted to see what rob would do when he saw him so B stole my phone and said hed sent messages to rob. I went to the pub rob was at to see if b had sent anything. They got out the car too and came in. B stood right near Rob who looked scared. Gemma asked Rob if he had anything to say or do to B. Rose then said something about B so Gemma called Rose an ugly Biotch. J grabbed me and asked why I hadnt spoken to him and I said because he hadnt bothered to call me or reply to my calls last week so why should i? then he said i know you and rose have ur differences but ur texts were a disgrace you should rise above her. rise above being practically bullied since 16? err ok then. i said rose deserved it because shes a *naughty word* and rose heard me and shouted angrily at me so i shouted **** OFF YOU ****ING *really really naughty word* and walked out. Helen started an argument with Gemma which she lost cos Gemmas really good at arguing. Helen was lying and saying me and Robert go out on loads of dates and see loads of each other etc etc. and B said to me how many dates have u and rob been on? and I said One and they all cracked up laughing. B asked Rob why he didnt want to fight him then and we held him back and I took Robert away who started crying. Back at the pub Robert denied saying what he said about B and Gemma asked so your calling your girlfriend a liar? and he said no and she said but you are. and B asked if it bothered me and I said well yeah and i asked him why he was lying and he said he wasnt and we got in the car and went for a drive about before going home.
"Speak to meSo I can understand your tongueYou seem rather fragileIt's been saidIt's cold beyond the sunHave you ever been there?Communicating thoughts of waysTo never have to speak againLet me be the fire in your handBring what's yours, I'll take what's mineAnd meet you on the other sideWe'll leave a sign so anyone can find usA better place, a sweeter timeWe won't need any wings to flyA place beyond the sunLook for meThe way you would if you were blindDon't be so resistantI've been knownTo travel much too fastIs that you in the distance?Communicating thoughts of waysTo never have to speak againLet me be the fire in your handBring what's yours, I'll take what's mineAnd meet you on the other sideWe'll leave a sign so anyone can find usA better place, a sweeter timeWe won't need any wings to flyA place beyond the sunCommunicating thoughts of waysTo never have to speak againLet me be the fire in your handBring what's yours, I'll take what's mineAnd meet you on the other sideWe'll leave a sign so anyone can find usA better place, a sweeter timeWe won't need any wings to flyA place beyond the sun"the thought has crossed my mind that this could be about suicide...what do you think?