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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Another Version of Me

I don't get it. I was used to the depressed me. I was used to the anxious me. I was used to the panicked me. But there's seems to be a new twist to this plot.Now, together with all those things, I'm agitated, irritable, angry, defensive, and even more than ever: TIRED! When does the insanity ever stop? It seems when I got the old crazy in me at bay, a new kind of loony popped up. I should stop making progress if progress means more demons to deal with.Today I tried to relax in bed. But I'm so agitated I keep kicking off the blankets and I feel like squeezing something until it's nothing.I want the old crazy me back.

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Waiting on a friend 10/14/05

For about 9 years now, I have been wondering and worrying about a childhood friend of mine (call her K). We grew up together, but her life became very troubled and she dropped in and out of mine as we got older. When she was gone, I searched for her and even had recurrent dreams about finding her at least three times a month. She was as close to me as a sister; we even look alike. Growing up, I always tried to hold her up as life was knocking her down, and she was always there for me to do the same. We were bonded that way, by friendship and hardship. Every now and then, I have been typing her name into Classmates or Google or People Finder or anything else I could think of. Last night I tried Classmates again, and her name came up! I immediately sent her an e-mail, doubting she would get it but hoping all the same. Early this morning, she sent me one back with her phone number in Texas. I started bawling as I dialed her number, only to find her bawling on the other end of the phone. It turned out that she had been trying to find me, too, and she had joined Classmates in an attempt to search for me. It turned out that her loser boyfriend at the time had told each of us that the other one didn't want to see us anymore. I went for years thinking she was mad and so did she. We talked for hours and spent the whole day e-mailing pictures back and forth. She didn't know I had two boys. I didn't know she had gotten married and moved to Texas. She didn't know about my divorce. We sent new pictures as well as old pictures that we laughed about. She called her husband at work and told him she had found her "one true friend." That made me feel really good.She and her husband are coming to stay with me for a weekend next month, and she and I plan to make up for lost time. We have already acknowledged that we have a lot to tell each other. It has been such a great day!And...as an added bonus...she sent me pictures of her all-grown-up and SINGLE brother who turned out to be a smokin' hottie!! He had a crush on me in 9th grade and I totally rejected him, but she has plans now to fix us up and "reunite" us. Wow, I definitely could do a lot worse!Which brings me to the other fix up. You know, the one I mentioned a few days ago that another friend of mine is arranging. Well...I hope I don't sound totally shallow...but the friend e-mailed me a picture today and I wasn't physically attracted. For one thing, he is an amazingly tall person and I'm 5'1". My friend also said the guy "cuts his hair short," and that turned out to be a codeword for "bald." Okay, I'm still gonna go out with this guy and not judge him based on his looks, so please don't think what you're thinking of me. It's just that...here I am getting picture after picture of this other Gorgeous Specimen all day and then...oh, never mind!Anyway, I love you K. I'm so glad we found each other again. What a great day!

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aging mother - the "sandwich" generation

Seeing my mother at services the last two days highlighted the age-related changes in her. Besides a growing multitude of physical health problems - she had trouble getting up from her seat to stand for prayers, she lost control of some of her finger movement - there are signs of mental changes, too. There were some inappropriate behaviors, silliness where she tried entertaining others. She's becoming more of who she's always been, but taken to some extremes now. And the changes are scary. I'm playing parent to my mother, as well as to my daughter - the "sandwich" generation.The good news is that my daughter called, and wanted some help in seeking out career counseling. This is a major step forward for her, and will give her some back-up plans if she's laid off from work.

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alone and anxious

I find myself getting anxious, especially in the evenings, when I'm alone to ruminate. I feel lost doing things on my own; I don't feel competent to be independent. Divorce has thrown me into this, and I'm just not emotionally suited to it. It's depressing. I feel powerless." I am strong, I am invincible..." I am lying... I feel like a wimp. I have no courage, and I worry about everything and anything and nothing.........It's painful.

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crying

Yesterday I went back to Rosebank and did some more work for a client. Its very complicated, enough said. But it meant that I was still there after 7pm. I'm not usually out that late in the evening. I needed to do my weekly food shopping but I'm very wary of going into supermarkets at busy times after the stooshie that happened last year (arguing with someone, they tried to hit me and I got banned for a week or so), I hate being around strangers. I had to get some money out of the ATM and a woman and 2 men came up. They had been drinking (I could smell it on her) and they were swearing almost every second word. Also they were using words that I really can't stand. It frightened me and I started to get very nervous, they also looked like they might start something or is that just me being parnoid? That is what I fear and that is what I felt. For some reason I equate that kind of swearing with violence. I talked a bit about it today in Group Therapy, but I couldn't figure out where in my past this may have occured. I can't remember if either of my parents were like this. Later on today I realised that one of my brothers was like that. I am also reminded of my brother by one of the newcomers to the TC. My brother was/is violent. I know also that he ended up hitting his first wife. He may have changed now but certainly, when he was younger he was violent. Last time he hit me was when I was 16. My mother found out because I had a swollen lip and all she was worried about was whether people would find out. She was more worried about what people thought than about my feelings. That was typical of my mother. My other brother also hit me. Its difficult to have any kind of relationship with people who treated you that way. I didn't have too good a night. When going to bed I caught a sight of myself in the mirror and I can't believe how much I weigh now. I am obese and that makes me feel really bad about myself. Then I think "stop moaning and do something about it", but I feel I can't because I don't go out to exercise. Its to do with being around strangers and 'incidents' happening, or me getting angry. I feel I can't go out. And so this leads to a viscious cycle of me feeling bad about myself cos of the way I look (I also feel bad about myself for other reasons), but I can't get out and exercise partially because of the way I look and also I fear what may happen when I'm around people, so I remain fat. This sounds so much like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Cried in bed. I'm crying about 3 to 4 times a day with other, almost crying episodes. Sometimes I can remember what I'm crying about, other times I can't. The slightest thing sets me off. For instance, I talked today about how I feel that people don't like me and in anycase I can't believe them when they say they do like me. It also affects how I relate to people. I have a friend, (or person I know) who I last saw when she was 6 or 7 months pregant and now her son is 10 months old. I feel that I can't phone her and ask if its okay to go round, because I feel that she won't want me to visit her and her family. I suppose I lack confidence. I said today that I felt that I was getting more depressed. Therapist didn't seem to think so, other members wondered about it to.I suppose I should just wait and see.

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reflections

Tonight and tomorrow mark the end of the Jewish New Year Holydays. With the trouble my friends are going through, I have a lot to reflect on, and so much in my own life for which to be thankful. My daughter is doing well, which is the greatest of my blessings. Much to think about as I meditate through the sermons <lol>

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Dear Brenshay 10/12/05

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your ex-husband does not love you anymore, not even a little bit, and he hasn't for a long time. He made up his mind to leave you long before he got the guts to do it. He was just waiting around for a backup (aka Pinkie) because he couldn't survive on his own. If he and Pinkie ever break up, he will not be coming back to you. He has moved on. You have tried everything possible to get his attention, but not one thing has worked. You got a tattoo. You cried. You yelled. You were sweet. You ignored him. You wrote him letters. You threatened divorce. You bought new clothes. You sold the house. You had a big party without him. You moved into a great townhouse without him. You swallowed a bunch of pills. You dated another man. Not one of those or any of the other things you did made him notice you or brought him back to you, and there is nothing you can do that will work because he's not in love with you anymore. He does not miss you. He does not think of you fondly. He does not wonder what you are doing. He does not think of you while he is with Pinkie. If he is nice to you, it is purely out of guilt. He does not ever call you just to say hello or ask how you are doing. He never shows up at your doorstep. He did not visit you in the hospital or call you when you got home. He did not even acknowledge the letters where you poured your heart out. He did not rush to stop the divorce hearing. He doesn't care. This is not the man you are going to grow old with and sit on the porch together in rocking chairs watching your grandchildren play. I know you have held on to this dream for a long time, but it will not happen with him. You will have to find another dream. It is time for you to let go of him and move on. Stop thinking your situation is temporary. Stop waiting for him to call you or show up in the middle of the night. He's not coming. You will not be getting re-married to him. He has fallen out of love with you. Somebody out there will love you the way you deserve, but if you have your head turned away how will you ever see him? You can't embrace a ghost. Take your love and adoration away from the person who doesn't want it and give it to somebody who matters--YOU! The rest will fall into place. Read me whenever you miss him, feel sad, feel angry or feel lonely. I will always remind you of the truth. You need to believe it. Love always,Brenshay

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tragedy

I just found out that my dear friends' son killed his girlfriend and then unsuccessfully attempted suicide. I don't know how they will come through this. The girlfriend had 2 children, now without their mother; my friends are afraid they have lost their son. He and my daughter grew up together, used to go camping with their fathers. It is just such a tragedy!

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A Confession

I wrote this in the journal room of DF and since it was quite recent, decided that it belongs up here with the new entries.There is another reason why my depression is pulling me down. And it is something I will never admit to anyone outside of my friends here at DF.I love my boyfriend Joty with all my heart and I see how he tries so hard. Deep inside, I'm sure he's just as scared as me. Even more. He doesn't know to handle this depression any more than i do.I do so badly want to settle down and I know that he's the one. But we did discuss that we should wait till I'm better. It kinda makes sense right? But now i'm just extra pressured to get better. Everytime i backslide, my dream of settling down goes further and further away.Oh my god, i just never admitted this to anyone at all not even my psychiatrist. And never ever to Joty. People will just wonder, what's the rush with this marriage thing? I guess I just already know I want to spend forever with him and sometimes it scares me that all his talk about us ending up together some day is just talk. I have had a lot of guys promise me forever. They all left. Now, everytime i blackhole, i keep thinking oh great maybe i'm not fit for marriage just as much as i'm not fit to work. i'm not fit for anything! who inthe world is going to want to marry a basket case like me? Who in the world would want me to be the mother of their children? Joty's too good to end up with a crazy Biotch like me. he deserves so much better, he's such an amazing guy.sometimes i cover up the depression with him just so i'll seem better. but i'm not. i forcemyself to go out with his friends just so he can feel that things are back to normal but their not. this mental illness is ******* me on the inside!!!When will it be the right time to say, Okay I'm better? Do people with depression ever get better?maybe i'm just going to be alone for the rest of my life.

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Midnight thoughts

Just been trying to get to sleep and the following thoughts came through my mind: I can't believe when people say they like/love me. Even to the extent that someone I was close to at the TC, who has now left and I met weeks ago, I coulldn't belileve that he likes me (not in a sexual way). People can say it over and over again and I can't believe it. That makes me cry. :tear3:i need reassureance that I am doing ok at my job, at my voluntary work at anything. Saw something on TV just 1/2hr ago, about small girls dressed up as minipop, wearing makeup and skintight clothes and thought that child sexual abuse is rape. I rape myself or I have raped myself. Not in the physical sense but by how I let myself be used by men. I don't think I could ever have a decent, relationship with a man.After 2 years at a Therapeutic Community and loads of pshychotherapy, I now see my problems, just can't fix them. Before the TC I knew things were wrong but not what. Maybe for some, therapy only lets us see whats wrong.

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Wet Tuesday

Have noticed that if you forget to PUBLISH an entry in a blog and then go and do it after you have published other entires, they get all out of order. So reading my BLOG might confuse people . Oh well, if you're confused, so am I. TC went kind of ok today. I've got into a kind of 'Hide the Shortbread' game with another TC member. The amount of shortbread we go through is large, cos now its no longer just me eating the shortbread. Shortbread is gooood. Imagine Homer Simpson rubbing belly. I hid one packet, so that there would be at least one packet left after all the others have been eaten. S. tried to find the hidden packet, but I had it hidden in the tub of teabags. Easy to find really, but after she found that packet, she hid all the rest. I found them in just a few minutes. Amazing what makes me happy these days. Shortbread. And its Walkers Shortbread, the BEST. ======Got angry today at the end of day meeting. Can't say what about, but I was fizzing. Time was called and I zoomed out of the room and through the door but had to go back for my brolly. Ruined my exit. Had a few clients at Rosebank today. One went fine other was a bit more difficult. I started to get worried because I felt out of my depth. Rosebank is for people with mental health problems who also may have problems with benefits, housing, debt etc. The group of volunteers try or aim to help sort out peoples problems. But it can be quite anxiety producing. I just hope that I'm doing a good job.

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The Martyr 10/11/05

S. ended up sending a pretty harsh e-mail to EX blasting him for sharing his personal life with Pinkie, and she told him he needs to leave me alone. He wrote her back and included this paragraph..."I have been in a very difficult position with all of my family andfriends from the very beginning, but since I put myself here, I cannotcomplain and just have to take it. I have lost all of my friends becausethey only hear one side of the story and it is a sad story, again I donot complain because I did this. I was not looking for her emotionalsupport and she was asking the questions. I care very much about her andwant her to stop hurting, but it seems that it just keeps going. I amnot clueless, rather extremely sorry and have said it a million timesbut it does not seem to matter."EX is definitely playing up the martyr angle, which he did with me when he was pouring out his troubles with his girlfriend. Yes, he has said he was sorry, but he seems to think having said that erases any hurtful thing he does in the present or will do in the future. If EX has a side of the story, it is his own fault if he doesn't choose to reach out to his friends and tell it. The fact that he says the hurt "just seems to keep going" shows how clueless he is about his own actions. He and I could never be real friends without both of us having a ton of professional therapy, and even then it would probably be better if we weren't. I'm glad he said he is going to keep his distance. I hope that he will get to the point someday where he remembers how to have compassion for other people. Too late for me--but maybe not for others. For 20 years, he and I have been tangled up in love, hate, confusion, depression, etc. Now I know it is time for me to untangle. It hurts because I love him, but I know I will hurt longer and deeper if I don't do it. Neither of us is all bad or all good. I just know we're bad together. That is painful to write.

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Hitting the Fan 10/11/05

My best friend since high school (call her S.) is furious with EX over the events of last week. Here's a small sampling..."I know he doesn't get this, but you must realize that he is putting you back on an emotional course that can lead straight to the hospital again. I have never (since this all started) felt more like emailing him and telling him to leave you the hell alone than I do right now. What a selfish F$%@$& Barsteward! You are supposed to comfort him as he gives this other girl the empathy that he couldn't muster up for his wife of 20 years!!! "She asked me about five times for his e-mail address. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I gave it to her. I know that EX will quickly shift the blame to me and demand to know what I told her to make her write him such an inflammatory letter, but she is the wisest person I know and may actually be able to get a point or two across with him. A little background...In high school it was me, EX and S. together all the time. The three of us were extremely tight. Even after EX and I started dating, it didn't change the relationship the three of us had, which continued well into our adult years. Then S. got married, and we included her husband into our little group. But there was just something about the bond the three of us had that was special. It was something I hadn't thought about in a while, and it made me a little sad when I thought of it today and the thought of S. writing an e-mail and blasting EX over his treatment of me. S. and I are as close as we ever were, but the person that was EX does not exist anymore. I miss that person.In other news, a friend of mine is trying to do the "fix-up" between me and one of his friends. I need more info but, hey, what else do I have to do? And I turned in my first writing assignment last night for that class I'm taking. I was thinking about posting it here but not sure if I should. It was supposed to be about a pivotal moment in our lives. Maybe I will share it later.

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To all the unwitting victims of my moods

This is an apology to all those who have been subjected to the outlashes of a moody Biotch. Forgive me for writing it, Im too much of a coward to say this to your faces. I have to go through life afflicted with severe depression and anxiety disorder. This leaves me scared, angry, frustrated, tired, defeated, and obviously very sad. At the moment I have yet to learn to tame this great beast. It has not revealed it's true nature to me and I have not yet learned to transcend this. It has me in its vise-like grip, threatening to never let go. Forgive me if my fear brings forth extreme reactions. I apologize for the tears that seem to come from nowhere, for the sharp tone of voice that cuts you to your very soul, for the weary desperation that seems to take all your help for granted. I'm trapped in silence as darkness invades my mind. I want to reach out but the fears bind me. I don't see anyone anyway. I don't even see the glimmer of hope that people keep telling me exists. Where is it? Is it another one of the useless platitudes you throw my way? Snap out of it.Shake it off.Hang in there.Just relax.Keep yourself busy.Think happy thoughts. Don't you think, in your vast wisdom, that if I could do all those things you're telling me to do, that I would do it? Do you think that I actually like getting beaten down by brain chemistry? Do you think I want this condition to consume me? Forgive me for inflicting my many moods on you. With it comes my many facets. Some of it is very very dark. Most of it is just very very scared. Forgive me for trying to push you away. I don't feel I'm worth the pain I inflict. Forgive me for not quite believing you'll stay. No one ever does. One day, you'll get so tired from trying to keep up with my moods. I'm tired too. But it's got me by the hand and is twirling me around and around and around until we fall down dizzy with a thud. I am sorry I have moods. I am sorry you have me.

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Triggers 10/10/05

This afternoon, somebody else on another forum wrote that while she was able to manage her day and do the things she needed to do, she felt an undercurrent of pain and sadness that has never left her since she has been divorced. That really set off a trigger for me, and before I knew it I was full-out bawling. What she said is so true for me as well. For instance, on Saturday night I had my "townhouse party," which was fun and went really well, but that undercurrent was still present. After last week's fiasco of EX's big breakup and reconciliation with Pinkie (the other woman), I have started over today with my "limited contact" mission. No phone calls, e-mails, etc., unless it concerns the kids, and if he e-mails or calls me and tries to bring up personal subjects, I plan to discourage that and keep my boundaries. He did write late today about seeing the kids, and I let him know (again) that I would appreciate a schedule at the beginning of the week so that I can make plans for myself. He's being really cagey about the whole thing, and I suspect he doesn't want to give up too much of his precious freedom or have to "commit" to anything. My older son is having a tough day today. His cousins were in town last night, and he stayed up late. He had trouble getting up and through his school day, and now he is all upset over doing homework. He was actually crying earlier. I checked on him a few minutes later, and he was laying in bed just staring into space. I know it was really just fatigue, but I got scared for a few minutes thinking about depression and whether or not he will inherit it. He is such a sensitive kid and has gone through so much in the last 9 months. Sometimes I see that natural childish happiness slipping away from him, and it makes me sad. I just hope that my best for him is good enough. For both of them, actually.

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Resume

Name EileenSex Female DOB '63Location ScotlandI have suffered depression on and ever since childhood and had a very unhappy childhood (felt alone even in family, not accepted, not wanted, not loved, no friends, bullied etc). First recognizable depression was around 14 years old, first diagnoses at 19. Diagnosed in 2001 with recurring depression (dysthymia it has been called by some drs) and a personality disorder. At that time I started cutting, taking overdoses and attempted suicide many times.I have been seeing a psychiatrist since September 2001, had 1 year of individual psychotherapy till the dr retired, and have been at the Therapeutic Community since September 2003 (will be leaving in January 2006). I married at 20 and was divorced by 30. I went to university as a mature student and got an BSc in Computing, had a job for a year, got sacked (long story sexual harassement, discrimination etc), got an MSc then worked as a Computer Programmer in the Civil Service . I have had a few periods of sick leave because of depression but the main periods of leave have been since 2001, been on long term sick leave since May 2003. After my marriage failed I had a few relationships, but nothing really worked out and finally made up my mind to stop having relationships. From about 2000 I've isolated myself from friends and keep myself to myself. I stopped socialising and even now find it hard to go out. I rarely go out except for food, the TC and drs appointments. To get me out for a meal or a drink is a major achievement. Found www.DepressionForums.org in June or July 2001 and have been here ever since.

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meter reader knocks twice

Well today I got to read the report that the director of the TC has written. Basically it says that because of the severe childhood adversities, that I will probably always have mental health problems, according to research into TCs and psychotherapy they are optimistic that I will continue to improve but they can't say how well it will be; also that I will need continuing support/follow up once I leave the TC. Can't remember much more. I had asked the director to word the report in a way that left my options open. I'm going to think about this and will talk to him tomorrow or the next day about the report. I talked about the report to someone at Rosebank Cottage and he suggests that I ask for something to be added in about my going back to work would be helped if they were to make adjustments necessary for my mental health. The welfare officer for my organisation is of the opinion that I am rude and she will not accept that I may have had some problems because of my illness. She is not accepting that as a reason and just says that there is no excuse for being rude. I haven't explained that very well, but thats the gist. When I got home there was a meter read at the main door. I got into my flat and when he called at the door a few minutes later, I just ignored the knocking. I didn't want a gas meter reader in my messy bedroom. I prefer to have some advance warning and 2 minutes isn't enough. I don't like having strangers in my home.

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Sunday Blues

Its Sunday and its that usual Sunday Blues. I do have things I could be doing; the dishes, the flat etc but I just can't get the motivation to do these things. Been online for a few hours, made some posts here at DF.

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Sept 14 - Sept 29 2005

Eileen, what do they mean by 'medical retirement'? I wish I could help you to not feel so bad.....for what it's worth, here's my hot sweaty 90-degree hug (((((((((Eileen)))))))))Tell us what's going on! firelizardee Sep 15 2005, 04:49 PM medical retirement - too ill to do the job at that grade. dan Sep 15 2005, 05:33 PM Aaaahhh, what a way to have the rug pulled from under you. It's an ill wind that blows no good, so something better may yet come out of this deal......but what a blow to your self-esteem! #####. Write some more, so I can get good and bummed out with you. firelizardee Sep 16 2005, 07:16 PM I have been and was in a terrible state when I first went off ill and then back to work then off then back inm and off. I just can't make important decisions, I can't even tidy up my flat cos I think that I'll only do that as a prelude to 'leaving the world'. Im not sure I *can* go back to work. I make little jokes ab out not being able to deal with people (on DF I can switch off and limit the contact I have). I keep thinking of the tablets I've stashed, the razoir blades. dan Sep 17 2005, 09:53 PM Are things looking any better today, Eileen? I mean tonight...sorry I'm so late posting. It really breaks my heart to read your words. You so much deserve to be healed from this pain. I wish I could take it on myself for awhile, just so you could have some relief. And I don't say that lightly; I've learned what hell is like. But I'm free for the time being, and it's NOT FAIR that you can't be.Anyway....remember that you're loved. Post when you can.Dan firelizardee Sep 18 2005, 11:12 AM yes I made it through the night. I guess I'll just have to keep being upset over this decision I have to make - for the moment. I think I will try and delay things a few months and see if I feel any better. Eileen firelizardee Sep 18 2005, 11:18 AM its when the drs think you are too sick to continue working and they bring forward your retirement from work because of it. Its saying that I would be no longer able to work at my job at that grade. Its a 'kinder' way of getting rid of someone who is sick whilst giving them some money ie a pension even though it won't be as much as I'd get if I retired at 60. dan Sep 18 2005, 05:55 PM So, wow, if you take it does that mean you can't work again? That would be an awful decision to make. If someone's too sick to work, then how the heck are they to make a choice like that? I hope you can trust your docs' judgements. firelizardee Sep 19 2005, 07:18 PM I'll see what my therpaist and psychiatrist say possibly tomorrow or Wednesday. leonarda Sep 21 2005, 11:03 AM How did the appointment go, E.? firelizardee Sep 21 2005, 06:45 PM I talked to my organisations Welfare Officer and told her about the occupational health possible offer of medical retirement. From what I can remember she's of the opinion (or worries) that I won't be able to cope at work and that if I don't get medical retirement, I run the risk of losing my job anyway. Cos if I go back to wrok and my absences add up to too much then they'll sack me if I don't fit the medical terms for retirement. She also said that I have been 'rude' to people and that because of my illness they haven't done anything about it. If it happens again then I run the risk of suspension and possible sacking. can't remember the rest. My psychiatrist said today that his opinion is that I may not be able to cope with my job and that he is worried ab ut the effects of going back to work and it not working out. He's going to say that I may not be able to cope at work but that I want to give it a try. I am still confused. I just cannot make a decision on this. The welfare officer asked hoiw I'm doing at the TC and is it helping me with interpersonal relationships and to be honest I'd have to say that I still have bad periods. Even now. dan Sep 21 2005, 07:22 PM So would a medical retirement provide enough to live on? Could you work part-time in a different job while collecting retirement compensation?Eileen, my two cents is, if you can get by okay on retirement benefits, take it. Being released from a stressful job sounds like a good thing. And there would still be no limit on what you could do with your life, either part-time or as a volunteer. You've got a lot of good in you, and you could help a lot of people, just like you do here at the DF.Not that it doesn't suck -- sure it does -- but freedom from the job and HAVING to deal with people when you don't want to....well, that wouldn't be all bad, would it.Dan leonarda Sep 22 2005, 02:41 PM The psychological component of retirement can slow one down, that's true. But I would say, as Dan put it nicely, if you feel the benefits of it are substantial, take it. You don't have to take that as limiting your life-possibilities down. It doesn't have to be like that. Maybe you really would have more time (and energy) on your hands to make it happen...whatever is that you would like to do. firelizardee Sep 22 2005, 07:00 PM thank you both for helping. I'm still so muddled about this. I'd still get Incapacity Benefit (sickness social security) as well as the works pension. I've been coping on that for the past year and a half. dan Sep 27 2005, 02:03 PM How are things going today, Eileen? leonarda Sep 28 2005, 01:48 PM Yes, how are you Eileen? Anything new? firelizardee Sep 28 2005, 09:02 PM read the letter that my pdoc wrote. It details what/how the depression affects me and says that it is only partially helped by medication (which I'm off at present because I need to 'go through' things at the TC) and that its difficult to predict how 'well' mood disorders fare. Also that it is "possible but not probable" that I will be able to go back to work, also that I will have significant difficulties. I still have to see the TC manager and talk about what he is going to write in his report. Still confused, still unsure what to do. Feel like if I don't have the work then there will be no point to life at all. Eileen taffycat Sep 29 2005, 03:13 PM Eileen, I'm so glad that you posted. I was getting concerned, also.If you didn't have the stress of working, could you find something to do that would feed your spirit? You are so much more than your illness, the TC, or your job. I hope that one day you will be able to look in the mirror, and see the absolutely awesome person that we all see.Also, you have to prepare for Dan's visit, and mine. (Cousin's who had emigrated to New Zealand, spent a month there this summer, and have really peaked my interest.) firelizardee Sep 29 2005, 06:43 PM Quote (taffycat @ Sep. 29 2005,16:16) I hope that one day you will be able to look in the mirror, and see the absolutely awesome person that we all see. I don't see that at all.

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Aug 24 - Sept 13 2005

The EC has brought in a working time directive which limits the number of hours that people can work. This affects Junior Drs and the hours that they can work. Because of this the Royal Cornhill Hospital (my local psych hospital) are stopping people from just presenting themselves at the reception and asking to see a psychiatrist, they have to go through their own dr (GP) or the emergency services. But if like me you are thinking what of the people who are already outpatients, the hospital has created a list of Enhanced Access to certain patients who are able to contact the hospital without going through their dr. Those people who "have been ill before, who have been at some risk when unwell and who are already linked in with the psychiatric services...if they feel they require urgent treatment". My pdoc has offered to put me on this list! Its a weird feeling, on the one hand it means he recognises that I may/have at times needed urgent treatment (inpatient for instance) and yet it seems to say to me that I'm at risk of being quite ill. Its a weird feeling. Also pdoc and I talked about how I was feeling - l ike I'll never really get back to the state I was in prior to 2001 (maybe it wasn't all that great but I seemed to be able to cope). He talked about how the quality of my life was important, because even he admits to not knowing if I'll ever get back to 'what I once was'. admiting to that and hearing that makes me sad. I also said that I have lost a lot of confidence even thought I never had much confidence. I'm not sure I can cope any more or even cope with my job (which is still there even though I've been off on sick leave since April 23 2003. He said that was something that I'd never had admitted 4 years ago. He says I have 'changed' so maybe the TC is having an effect on me. feeling sad. taffycat Aug 24 2005, 04:01 PM (((Eileen)))I'm glad that you talked to him, but sad that you're still feeling badly. firelizardee Aug 28 2005, 08:18 PM thankyou TCbeen feeling 'bored' today. Not often that that happens. Read a little, watched TV even went for a shower and washed my hair. Thought about going out for a drive but couldnl't think of where to go. Don't feel like going out for a walk, I think I'm scared to go out in case I get angry at people. I have in the passed shouted and screamed at people and beat on their cars, not a pretty site. Even told off people for cycling in areas where cycling is not allowed. I just can't stop myself and I end up feeling worse. firelizardee Aug 28 2005, 08:23 PM had problems with Internet Explorer so going to change to Netscape. to #### with MS and bill gates. been talking a lot about Anger in small groups at the TC. I don't deal with my anger I just vent it. Don't handle it very well, don't talk to people about being angry I just get angry and it builds up and up and then it comes out, usually towards the wrong people. breathe slowly and deeply. The EC has brought in a working time directive which limits the number of hours that people can work. This affects Junior Drs and the hours that they can work. Because of this the Royal Cornhill Hospital (my local psych hospital) are stopping people from just presenting themselves at the reception and asking to see a psychiatrist, they have to go through their own dr (GP) or the emergency services. But if like me you are thinking what of the people who are already outpatients, the hospital has created a list of Enhanced Access to certain patients who are able to contact the hospital without going through their dr. Those people who "have been ill before, who have been at some risk when unwell and who are already linked in with the psychiatric services...if they feel they require urgent treatment". My pdoc has offered to put me on this list! Its a weird feeling, on the one hand it means he recognises that I may/have at times needed urgent treatment (inpatient for instance) and yet it seems to say to me that I'm at risk of being quite ill. Its a weird feeling. Also pdoc and I talked about how I was feeling - l ike I'll never really get back to the state I was in prior to 2001 (maybe it wasn't all that great but I seemed to be able to cope). He talked about how the quality of my life was important, because even he admits to not knowing if I'll ever get back to 'what I once was'. admiting to that and hearing that makes me sad. I also said that I have lost a lot of confidence even thought I never had much confidence. I'm not sure I can cope any more or even cope with my job (which is still there even though I've been off on sick leave since April 23 2003. He said that was something that I'd never had admitted 4 years ago. He says I have 'changed' so maybe the TC is having an effect on me. feeling sad. firelizardee Aug 28 2005, 08:23 PM also doing the bored eating thing - checking out the fridge. But I've eaten all the sweet things I had, only things left are cheese and biscuits. Away to have a voddy and orange. firelizardee Aug 29 2005, 06:07 PM had been writing in here but somehow pressed some keys and suddenly I'm back on a previous page. I'll try and remember what I wrote. Talked about how I can't believe that people like me. Learned not to trust people saying they liked me back in primary school. But this isn't primary school, so why do I stick to this. Its safer, I won't get hurt. I don't feel care and liking as deeply as other people do. Do I think I'll be missed when I leave the TC? Not much. I don't get close to people (still). talked about either seeing or writing to my mother about my wanting to be an organ donor. I carry a donor card and am on the donor organ register, but she may be down as my next of kin. I won't go and see her. Didn't have lunch at TC today, was going to eat at a place called Moonfish but its closed on Mondays. So I ended up at the Prince of Wales pub, for a pint and a meal.oh and I bought another pottery cat (blackish with one purple and one green eye) and a book. Ate, came home and dozed for a bit. dan Aug 29 2005, 07:36 PM I would LOVE to eat at the Prince of Wales pub.....we Yanks have a romantic idealized vision of the Eng-sorry Scottish pub, sorta like Fitzgerald's on BallyK. Don't shatter my delusions, Eileen....hope you had a great pint, as my drinking days are done for the forseable future. firelizardee Aug 30 2005, 04:17 PM think wood pannelling, old wood floors, wooden topped bar with hand pumps, all fairly dark with mirrors. Good pub, one of the oldest in Aberdeen, certainly the one with the longest bar. Eileen dan Aug 30 2005, 06:10 PM Aaaaahhhhhhh......perfect. firelizardee Aug 31 2005, 06:12 PM one of the best pubs for real ale firelizardee Sep 8 2005, 05:20 PM got quite angry today with another member of the TC, she is such a venemous character who thinks she is 'iller' than anyone else, complains about boundaries being broken but thinks she is entitled to break them herself. AAAAArrrghfh.during an exchange she gives me the finger. What a nasty piece of work she is. B#t~~ firelizardee Sep 12 2005, 02:36 PM she was told to go home today and think about what she did on Thursday. She has to learn to control herself. It sounds like one more stooshie like Thursday and she'll have got herself discharged. Eileen firelizardee Sep 13 2005, 09:13 PM something happened today. The Occupation Health Dr has written to my psychiatristd and to the manager of the Therapeutic Community, saying that they'll offer me a medical retirement. I only know this cos the two of them want my input into the reports they each have to write. I don't know what to do! I can't make that decision, death looks preferable.

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June 20 - Aug 24 2005

Jun 20 2005, 05:42 PM anxiety is likely to be due to stopping the risperidone last wednesday. Anxious to the point of tears. obeyURthirst Jul 21 2005, 06:31 AM Ok... now I know why you said you haven't been feeling well. I'm sorry you're about your anxiety attacks. I can't relate cuz I've never had one but a couple of my friends complain about their anxiety and I feel so bad for them. I hope you feel better. Maybe you just need to get some rest? -------------------- firelizardee Aug 22 2005, 03:48 PM back on risperidone - couldn't stand the anger and the suicidal feelings. Pdoc is allowing me to choose the doseage I want to be on. Have written in the PD/BPD/DID/PTSD room.this is just a very brief resume of the last two months. I am Cat Aug 22 2005, 06:28 PM *going to look in the DID room now....* ((((hugs to you Eileen))))) leonarda Aug 22 2005, 07:35 PM Nice to see you posting Eileen! firelizardee Aug 24 2005, 09:59 AM even after almost 2 years at the Therapeutic Community I still feel its difficult to 'speak' here. Don't know if I get all talked out at the TC

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june 19th 2005

jkm, dan thank you. I did enjoy most of the evening last night. I left early and didn't go with the others on to a pub after the meal.I've a problem with my gum or teeth, feels like it might be an abscess or something. Still feeling anxious and upset today. Just staying in, not going out for a walk.

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