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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr


Things have been getting better. I haven't been feeling down as much lately and I'm actually getting plans straightened out for both work and career wise. There's still things that make me worry and stress quite a bit, but I've been doing what I can to keep my mind busy. I need to find new alternatives to not let my intrusive thoughts get to me so much, though I'm sure I'll find plenty through the forums and looking them up. One of my trigger days is coming up and I'm really dreading it. I




Never hade a blog before

So I just need to finally say it I was raped almost a year ago in July am having a very hard time still bad dreams blaming my self I was very drunk not like I asked for this to happen but I also finally told people and myself I have a drinking problem because when you drink for 5 days it might be s problem I also don’t like how it makes me feel but yet I still want to drink that’s right there to me is crazy so I have been holding this all in because I don’t know how to talk about it but I need t




I hate myself

What to Do About Self-Hating Thoughts "The first thing to realize is that we are not our critical inner voice, and we are definitely not the person our critical inner voice tells us that we are. Just because we ourselves experience these self-hating  thoughts does not mean that they make up our real and honest point of view. Remember, every one of us is divided in our feelings toward ourselves. The critical inner voice should be seen as an alien point of view, an unwelcome overlay on our se

Joy from Very Little

I didn't check how long it's been since I last posted a blog entry, but I know it has been weeks. Maybe months. I'm not concerned with how long it's been because I really don't care. Haha. I was going to routinely post here about positive things in my life. Well, that made for very sparse material about which to write. Don't get me wrong; I have it made in some ways: I live alone, I have two hilarious cats, I love my rusty old minivan, etc. etc. But I can't keep repeating that same stuff ov




The Flip Side of Stoicism.... For Me, Anyway

I thought that since I went on and on and on about stoicism, I might put in something about the downside of it.  In my personality, at least.  Not sure how much this crosses demographic categories... A.)  I am 'hard to know'.  That's a quote, from more than one person.  I guess I am innately a very intensely private person.  I am someone you can work with for five years and still not know my middle name or where I was born or what my favorite color is.  It's not intentional by any means- It

A circle has closed

I believe a circle of sorts has just closed. Today I met someone after five years. Someone who in fact sent me on the current path(in my head that is) I am now on, the path some of of you have witnessed these few years I have been posting on df. It was the same young woman I mentioned in one of my early threads. Here's a link if anyone is interested: Basically it was a work place infatuation that was one-sided and more to the point nothing happened. In fact she was probably unawa




Can’t sleep

Cos I hate myself. Cos I came back. Cos I can’t change. It’s not that hard to change right? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I just want this feeling to go away. I want to be happy when I wake up in the morning. I want someone to talk to who can understand me. But I’m a terrible person who can’t talk to anyone and don’t understand anyone. I hate myself. Why am I alive? Why am I here? What’s the point of being here? Why am I like this? I actually went overseas last month for a week. I

Needing Inspiration.....

Sometimes we just need a little inspiration, you know?  And we all have a different idea of what that is.  I know someone who reads those memoirs of people who have been through horrific events and overcome them.  I know another person who enjoys interacting with the kids that come in to the library.  As for me, who knows... I guess it depends.  I suppose what inspires us changes, doesn't it?  It's not always the same thing.  What picks me up when I"m really dragging the ground (like this mornin

Week of Monday, April 15th

My biggest lesson lately has also been my hardest - learning to forgive myself when I fall short.  I have problem forgiving others; it's just me I never seem to accept 'reasons' for.  I either pass or I fail.  Believe it or not that's an improvement from years ago when I had to exceed my goals or fail.  Yep.  I could meet my goals and still manage to see myself as a failure.  I have a real talent for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory - it's a tough one to overcome.  Monday, April 15

On Being a Stoic....

In one of my blog entries a few days ago, I referred to being a stoic.  I never knew that about myself until I stumbled across the definition.  It's not really something I've deliberately chosen.  It's more of an outgrowth of who I am, if that makes sense.  I've asked one or two atheists here how they came to atheism, and I got pretty much that answer for one or two of them - it was not so much a deliberate decision, but a result of them being them.  So for me, stoicism is more of a character tr

Week of Monday, April 8th

I've missed quite a bit the last couple weeks - either being sick, or walking so much last Saturday that my hips just ached for a day or so.  Monday, April 8th- 1.56 miles, 30 mins - on the way home after work @530, it was nearly 90F, so I was actually in the beginning stages of heat exhaustion when I got home.  Weenie me, I know. Tuesday, April 9th- yay for the gym - 60  mins, 3.1 miles on the treadmill.  30 mins with heartrate at 145-148; 20 mins with heartrate at 133-140; 10 mins wi


Some say I’m doing good, keep going at it. But am I, really? Do you think I want to keep going at it as if it’s something fun? I do want to leave this forsaken world, you know. I’m only here cos I DON’T have a CHOICE. Or maybe I’m here cos somewhere deep down inside me there is still that small tiny hope that things will get better. But come on, it WON’T. Life is an endless series of problem. The solution of one problem is merely the creation of the next one. People who can actually die are so m


No matter what I say, no one will ever understand me. No matter how convincing I try to be, no one will ever believe me. My cries are falling upon deaf ears. They carry on with their planning and gossip as if nothing has ever happened.  I feel as though I am living with terminal cancer, and everyone is treating me like I'm suffering with the flu.  - A temporary pain in the arse, but will pass eventually  No. I really thought I wasn't going to come back this tim




Yeah im a piece. A big piece too.

Its funny. Some wonder why i feel like i do. They wonder why i treat myself poorly. Hate myself. See myself as worthless. That old belief or saying...whatever it is (i am too stupid to know)...if you hear the insults enough...if your treated a certain way enough...etc...you will either believe it is true or act as if it is. Act the way they say you are. Because it must be true. So treat me like i'm crap. Go ahead. Thats what i am after all, right? Otherwise you wouldnt treat me th




Liquid Haloperidol

Evidently there was a "shortage" of the pill form of Haloperidol for the last two months. The three local pharmacies basically told me I was out of luck on refills. I have taken the 2 mg dosage for a few years now for maintenance as it helps the manias of BP1 that have risen through the years. So I bugged my MD (I cant afford a Pdoc anymore) about what I should turn to, or not turn to. Finally got a response and a Rx for liquid Haloperidol, dosage 2 ml or more as needed. Now first, I've nev

T on C

T on C


Getting to Know You (Anxiety)...

Like the song goes - 'getting to know you / getting to know all about you'.  How can I live with something for basically all my life and not know it for most of it?  I've always thought I was a fairly self-aware type of person.  When I look back, I realize much of my behavior was rooted in anxiety.  I really haven't been able to do anything with my life - I've managed to mess up the most important things, my kids.  I didn't teach my youngest what she needs to know, and as a result she struggles

I'm a Little Bit 'I Don't Know' Today....

I'm a little bit on a seesaw today.  Thought I would call in sick earlier, the cramps were so bad.  Yeah, thanks mother nature - not.  Bitch.  Anyway, I am here and going forward with my day, but with reservations.  It's been warm here - pleasantly in the 70s and 80s.  Today, the high is 59 and it. is. windy.  The wind just sort of cuts right through you.  But I'll be missing it in July and August when temps are regularly above 105F and you can almost fry an egg on the dashboard of your ca

Be wrong. Be foolish. Make mistakes.

And that’s ok. Cos this is life. Don’t beat ourselves up for being human. For living our life. We are not perfect. It hurts, it’s painful, we grow, we learn, we advance to make different types of mistakes, cos life is full of mistakes. So be wrong. Be foolish. Make mistakes.                              And that’s me advising myself. 

Week of Monday, April 1st

I've been sick since Saturday, so I've missed several days already. I had to take off work yesterday from feeling like crap.  It's just a bad cold, but I've had a low grade fever, mondo aches & chills, and the sinus drainage is making me queasy.  Too much fun for me.  It's back to the grindstone, even though I dont feel much better. Doubt I will make my workout or walk today either. Monday, April 1- missed walking or workout due to being sick; also missed work Tuesday, April 2- sti

Second guessing my mood

Last time I wrote I said I was doing good and hypomania was over for now but now I am second guessing my mood. I guess that good energy was hypomania after all. Very mild but hypomania anyway.  I feel like I am now in what I call hypomania hangover. It's a state right after hypomania. Suddenly all the colors have faded and motivation is gone. I don't know what to do because my mind has stopped feeding me ideas. I am wondering what the hell just happened? Where did all my energy go? How can




What am I to do?

What am I to do?   I have given everything.   I have done everything I can, and more.   I am extremely tired. I am extremely depressed. I am usually this way.   I wonder if I am stupid, if all of my ideas and choices are wrong, and that's why things are this way - This is incorrect, and there's no reasonable argument for that. But the feeling persists. I wonder if I am inherently a bad person, and just don't see what I am doing that is so evil and dis




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