Jump to content
A New Look Read more... ×


Featured Entries

  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are


Adulting is something I do not want to do today.  That is all.... I have to go adult in about five minutes..... Don't make me adult..... But I don't wanna adult! I wanna stay home and play with my dragons and my angels and my super-soldiers!  Here, see?  Wouldn't playing with angels be more fun? (LOL, typical Misha Collins craziness)      Oh, all right.... I'll go adult...  But I'm not gonna' like it....  




The Absurdity of Me

I experienced a classic example of my pathetic nature recently. Last week, I came home to a note on my apartment's door from an internet company. They are installing fiber optic in all of the units in our complex. They wanted me to either 1. stay home and let the workers in, or 2. leave the door unlocked today (Thursday). Well, number 2 was not an option because I have two cats. No way I want them getting out. This instantly threw me into a panic. My place is a complete disaster area because I've lost interest in keeping it clean. I don't want anyone coming in to see how crappily I live by myself. Stuff is strewn everywhere and there are piles of books, DVDs etc. on the floor. I need to buy more shelves to store that stuff but it costs money and I just don't have the energy to lug heavy crap up the stairwell. I worried about this for days. What am I going to do? My anxiety grew as the day approached. Last night, I left a note on my door that read "No entry please--escape artist cat" I also left my cell number in case they wanted to set up a time for me to be there. This morning, I locked the door and hoped the note would suffice. But then I thought, "what if my landlord comes over and lets them in anyway?" I certainly don't want her to see what my place looks like! Just as I was leaving, I saw the fiber optic company truck pull in to the parking lot. I went over and asked them if they could do my building first so I could stick around. They agreed to it and I ran up to the apartment to clean up the worst of the sh!t. A few minutes later, the dude came to the door and knocked. I opened it while apologizing about the colossal mess. He responded that he wasn't there to make an inspection. Hahaha. In 10 minutes, it was over with. Yeah, the dude saw my mess but so what? I had been wringing my hands for a week in advance yet it simply wasn't a big deal. But in advance, my mind made it a HUGE DEAL. The above is an example of how F'd up I am.




Blessedly Short Week....

On a positive note, this is a blessedly short week for me at work, even though it is my turn to work this weekend. Yeah, not all weekend, just Saturday half day. Then we get to be closed for New Year's.  I am really clinging to those short weeks, those holidays and days I'm able to take off. It's gotten significantly easier since positive feedback from my higher ups a few weeks ago.  And I am really lucky to have a 'Monday - Friday' office job.  I could be slogging it out in a warehouse, alternately freezing my buns off or sweating it out, depending on the season.  (yay wild Oklahoma weather).  In many ways, I would actually rather be doing that.  Because warehouse jobs don't have anything to do with customer service - the only getting along you have to do is with co-workers. Which is a lot different than trying to satisfy the general public and being cheerful and professional while being slammed.  So I'm literally taking it one day at a time... And I've stalled out on my newest fanfiction set.  I was working on a mashup of Supernatural (cable series) and Doom (the movie).  But I've had to do so many restarts due to poor planning on my part that I can't feel it anymore.  And if I can't feel it, I can't make anyone else feel it.  Ya feel me?  LOL.  So I've gone back to planning my book idea.  It's still very loose.  My idea is changing quite a lot in some ways (from a pre-industrial, almost medieval setting to either modern day or slightly into the future) and barely any in other ways (thar be dragons still, but the size varies though the attributes do not).   I may end up working with a more modern or futuristic setting because the world building - as in, my own entire world - is really stumping me.  I'm just not detailed enough or smart enough to get enough of the right places fleshed out.  I know it doesn't have to be complete, but it has to complete enough for me to refer to it like I do my own actual world/history.  I wish I could draw.... I'd draw you my characters so you can see them. Dean O'Gorman (as Fili in Peter Jackson's Hobbit movie trilogy) reminds me a lot of one of them, though he's a little too tall. I really wish I could get past the world building and put this the way I want to.  Who knows, I may end up with a future setting on  my own world.  You wouldn't believe how many moving parts there are when you start thinking about how you would form a world, or even just a government.  Climate, flora, fauna... doesn't seem like it would have much to do with government, but really it has a lot to do with it.  Take Oklahoma for instance.  Tons of water, and we are highly dependent on both farming and the fossil fuel industry.... Each state in the US has a slightly different combo to work with, even within the Midwestern US.  We all have roughly the same system of government, but there is still quite a lot of variety there. This one kind of illustrates roughly some of the problems that arise when flying dragons are part of a modern urban environment... not to mention, can you imagine what the US military complex would do?  Caged, hunted, experimented on.... Gads.... even if they were sentient (which mine are) it's a nightmare to try and figure out....    




Crying Buckets....

We binge-watched LOTR Monday and Tuesday.  Yay.  One day I'm going to read the books.  Hey, don't look at me like that, I'll get around to reading them, really I will.  Anyway, I've decided I want to watch the series over again, and this time keep track of all the scenes that sock me in the gut.  Paying attention to what movie scenes really sock it to me often reveals quite a bit about what I'm going through that I don't necessarily want to admit to myself.  Sometimes, though, it's just straightforward - the character says or does something that I have struggled with, and it hits me on a visceral level.  Like the last scene in 'TROK' , where Frodo, Merry, Pippin, & Sam are accompanying Gandalf and Bilbo as the latter two take the last boat to the Undying Lands....  From the moment Gandalf half turns and reaches out his hand and tells Frodo 'It's time, Frodo,' until Frodo sets foot on that ship and smiles back at his friends.... I am a bawling mess.  Yesterday, when Gandalf said those words, I clapped my hands over my mouth and tried not to cry out - I don't know why. It was just my husband and me; he was sitting right by me because he knows how that scene hits me.   Gandalf said those words, and that was it.  'It's time, Frodo.' And I know why it hits me so hard.   Fair warning, this is where we get into Afterlife and Higher Power and spiritual stuff and even thoughts of death....   For me, Gandalf represents God... So much of me wants to hear God say 'come on home, honey...'  So when Gandalf says 'It's time, Frodo' I just lose it.  Because for me it's God standing there saying 'It's time to come home, honey'.  I cannot describe how every cell in my body longs for that.  At once afraid of the unknown that Death represents, and also craving the release home.   And then Frodo says those words to Samwise Gamgee....  The Words, Capitalized.  The Words that make me think someone Has Been Peeking Into My Soul.  'We set out to save the Shire Sam, and it has been saved - but not for me.' How deeply that line hits me..... In that moment, when Frodo embraces Samwise and tells him this.... That is me, looking at my loved ones and knowing deep down that I have been too much scarred by my struggle to ever be 'normal' again, if I ever was. Too much scarred by depression and mental illness to ever really be as attached to this world and this life as I should be. I endure, because I know what loss through suicide does to those left behind. It's not conceit; it's a simple refusal to add one more mistake, one more ounce of pain to the already unwieldy heap of wrongs I am responsible for.  Frodo carries the One Ring, and the carrying of it scars him far more deeply than even the Nazgul blade wound in his chest, perpetually unhealed.  Depression, mental illness, anxiety.... these are my One Ring.  My mistakes - manifold and numerous as the stars - are my Nazgul Blade. So when Frodo struggles move forward under the weight of the One Ring, there I am sobbing internally - looking into those exhausted, despairing eyes and seeing myself.  It is at once comforting, and agonizing.... Comforting to know that someone understands the struggle... Agonizing to be reminded of it so forcefully and openly.     





ive been wanting to write but just feel like its so monotonous. its all the same. im sad, im lonely, im still all alone, still not a mother, still friendless and nothing seems to change.    I volunteer, i join meet-up groups, im plastered on multiple dating sites. I continuously reach out to acquaintances despite being ignored. Sometimes i think i try too hard, but then sometimes think im not doing all i can.    maybe instead of trying to change my life, i should just embrace it and learn to cope with it.    i dont know what im doing wrong or what i should work on to be/get better. im lost. and i cant ask anyone for directions. 




Missing My Meds....

I've been missing my meds quite a bit the last few days.  Doesn't make it any easier to deal with everything.  I'm currently wondering how I make it through, and whether I can call this 'making it through.' I feel like I've spent most of my life doing the emotional equivalent of subsistence farming.  I'm working my ass off every day just to feed myself, but I cannot see any way around it.  It's like a never-ending loop that feeds on itself.  Like some sort of twisted Ourobouros.  I guess now that I think about it, I can see a way forward.  It just looks really, really intimidating and impossible.  For me, at least.  For normal people, it's just another day, just another 'so what' day.  For me, it feels like scaling Mount Everest. And I cannot explain how frustrating that is, for such simple things to be Mount Everest.  My doc wants me to walk a mile a day.  I'm working on it, but it's really intermittent, because I'm having motivation problems.  I don't want to die (which is a disturbingly new concept I am not entirely sure I embrace), but I cannot seem to be able to grab onto anything.  I cannot seem to be able to find it in me to value myself - I guess that's the crux of the issue.  I see absolutely no value in myself at all.  I am a complete and utter waste of humanity.  My lifetime would have been better served given to some poor child dying of Leukemia.  If I knew that the remaining hours of my life would be apportioned thusly, I would have taken that 'out' long ago.  Yet, I am still here.  By some gruesome combination of sheer cussed stubbornness and the knowledge that my leaving like that will affect my loved ones in a negative way.  I know that from personal experience, when my late first husband chose that.  It took me nearly a decade afterwards to be able to listen to 'Silent Lucidity' by Queensryche or 'Mama I'm Comin' Home' by Ozzy Osbourne without bawling my eyes out.  So I feel like I'm stuck in the Hinterlands.... in the No Man's Land of this gruesome war.  Frozen on the battlefield, surrounded by invisible Claymores and Concertina Wire, knowing I need to move on through but unsure which way to step, and afraid to step that way.  I googled 'barbed wire battlefield' and that last image is apparently from 'Battlefield I: Barbed Wire Maze of Pain'. I cropped the player names out of it. It just really sucks that this is what I go through to do the dishes or take out the trash.  I can't help but wonder where I'd be if I wasn't weighed down by this. You know?    




Way too coincidental to be a coincidence...

I was reading more on that Warrior of the Light book.  I wrote down the pages numbers of all the coincidences.

I just gotta tell what it's guiding me to.

Long ago, I asked for Wisdom. I was finally given a good definition of it, and how it related to understanding and knowledge. Then I was noticing everything talked about patience. So I had plenty of opportunities for to practice it. Then I learned about Enlightenment. Peace. Joy. Then something called Humble Confidence.

And now "Courage" and "Responsibility"

How you feel internally is what you will experience externally.  We attract what we are, not what we want.

I  heard today that everything will be okay. I was worried about something. But now I know it will turn out okay.

Why would they guide me this far just to let me down? They wouldn't.

I wish I could get ALL my notes together and type them up and put them here. But it would take forever. So I guess instead I'll just start posting as I have been - when it comes to me, I share it.





New Meditation; Quotes; Definition

I was reading in the book Warrior Of The Light by Paulo Coelho about when the Warrior's path becomes too routine, there's a way to meditate that's good for the soul.

It says that if you can't meditate, repeat one simple word over and over until it will eventually lose it's meaning. (My brother and I done that when we were little, but didn't think anything about it, just thought it was funny how numb you become to something that's repeated over and over.)

Once it loses it's meaning (the word), it will take on an entirely new significance. "God will open the doors and you will find yourself using that simple word to say everything that you wanted to say. "When he is forced to perform the same task several times, the Warrior uses this tactic and transforms work into prayer." Too coincidental. I was just in PM with someone who had trouble expressing their feelings and couldn't find the "word(s)" for it.


It may be a small world after all, but it's a much bigger Universe than ever before.

The Universe smiles at synchronicities.

When your dominate thoughts align with your life and become your dominate experience;
the simultaneous occurrence of events that appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection;
meaningful coincidences;
a set of coincidences that are meant to be noticed.




Oh How Fun....

Me here with my quiet holiday.  Thought I'd be able to spend more time here, maybe respond to some posts.... but technical glitches have meant that I now have a mysterious fifteen minute window to work in before the site freezes up and locks me out. Beyond frustrating.  I can't seem to get started on anything, and my temper seems to be set on 'Hair Trigger' - glitches here are def not helping.  I hope everyone's holiday is going better than mine.  I should be grateful for a quiet few days, and I am trying to be, honestly. I guess that might be why I'm having such a problem - usually I bury these things because I don't have the strength to deal with them and make a living, you know?  And the making a living part is not exactly negotiable at this point in my life.  So I guess it's good that I'm feeling these things.  Right, we'll go with that.  Oh, I did get little candies made for holiday gifts.  Pretzels covered in white chocolate (they look like a third grader made them, LOL) and Rice Krispy treats (heavy on the butter just the way hubby likes them).  I'm going to try and make 'fried cheerios' tomorrow.  Don't laugh at that, I'll get upset. One of my parents made them for me and my siblings one year - we wanted popcorn and didn't have any.  Sautee cheerios in butter - proportions are up to the person depending on their tastes.  I usually do 3/4 stick of real butter (salted) to about 4 cups of cheerios on low to medium heat.  Yeah, so that's my weird family tradition, haha.  Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to post this blog entry, and failing that, hopefully I'll be able to resist the wild urge to throw my laptop across the room.  Fun Christmas GIF.  I love Chong....




Waiting for the Ice Queen

I got out into my natural element on Saturday. It was 28F/-2.5C and slightly breezy. I walked over to the big lake to watch Winter begin to take hold.  Our weather has been warmer than normal for several weeks so the ice isn't forming as quickly as it usually does...nor do we have any snow. I'm happier being out in these conditions than I would be at 80F and sunny. 




Merry Christmas; thoughts; meh.

I'm beginning to wonder why I stay on the computer so long. I took a 6 month break away once. Then I didn't want to get back on!

Been seeing things out the corner of my eyes the past week, it is worse today. Shadow people blacker than black. They keep looking around the corner at me. And last night I saw what looked like smoke in the living room, but I wasn't smoking in there, I was headed to the kitchen from my room.

When I took some pictures, I saw orbs, but they left before I could get a pic of them.

I must go now, I got a dinner to go to.





Responsibility; Gratitude; Notes I took from a Video

What you seek, you already have. It's inside you. All along we often go out of ourselves to seek truth and wisdom. But it's inside us.

YOU are the power you are searching for.

Enlightenment is knowing how much you don't know. (Wisdom)

What you believe creates your reality.

Seeking Truth and Wisdom? You're on the right path now. When you don't want it, that's when it comes.

People always give up right before the magic happens.
What you believe creates your reality.

People who misuse the power won't tell you that the battle is for the hearts and minds and the control your IMAGINATION.

Medea / Media, it controls your mind and imagination. Music too.

Imagination is real thought ideas in the mind, the seed is planted (in pineal glad possibly?) and it will manifest itself because seeds were planted.

Illuminated = Enlightened.

You are creating in the physical realm. You create your own heaven and hell.

Internally you're responsible for what you create. what ever you focus on grow.

If enough people meditate on something, it actually influences a certain event.





Warrior of LIght

" The Warrior of the Light acknowledges the significance of intuition. In the middle of any battle, he does not think about the enemy's disappointing setbacks, so he uses his instinct and obeys his angel. In times of peace and harmony, he deciphers the signs and synchronicities that God sends him. The Warrior knows that intuition is God's way of communication (Language) and he proceeds in hearing the wind and gazing, and talking to the stars. " - Paulo Coelho, Warrior Of The Light (A Manual) (I paraphrased it and changed a few words)




There is HOPE in bringing it to LIGHT; Motivational Quote

My Spirit Life Coach says " When you just express yourself, you feel a whole lot of weight lifted off your shoulders. What is greater than really saying how you really feel, no matter what people think. THAT will set you free. " I decided not to keep the post up, because I just didn't feel right about it. Come to think of it, it could have sparked arguments, etc.

I've been coming here lately when I get depressed, because reading your posts, comments and blogs, it helps me feel not so totally alone, especially in going through these things we're going through.

Just listening to me is helping me. Thank you.




One-night Insomnia Rabbling

i'm thinking now that I should have made a new BLog just for my poems. Ah well. It'll be okay.   Well, i'm depressed again. i'm here. I cannot sleep. i'm wide awake. but I have nothing to say.
I don't want anything to happen to my dog or mom. I keep telling them to live forever. "Deny me the crown and live forever'. I tell both of them that everyday.

To my dog, I tell her how much she is loved, and I name off all the people in her life that love her. I tell her she's needed and wanted, and loved of course.

I tell her she's loving, caring, good, precious, smart, loyal, and the list goes on. I tell her this everyday. I think this is what is keeping her in good moods.

Tonight she's sluggish. I hope she's okay. She's 9 years old. Most of her life I spent in bed sleeping because of the severe depression, chronically severe.

Ah well. I hope you guys liked my poems. I've got tons more I can share if anyone is interested in reading them. Some are very long. Some are short.

The reason I"m here at 5am and haven't slept all night and am updating my blog a lot is because I thought it would relieve the depression if I just came here and typed. IT's helping, a little. I need to get out my lavender incense and maybe that'll help too.

Well, you guys take care. I"ll talk to you soon, Universe Willing.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it

Happy New Year to everyone,

Make a good resolution an stick to it.

I have 3...

1. Quit smoking for sure. 2. Work on my being an Alchemist (make lemonade out of lemons. 3. Not to allow external events, situations and circumstances to govern my internal condition.

ok, well 4

4. Lose more weight and get in shape, get stronger.

What are yours?




More of my Poems; Audio Poem; Hope you like it

This is my first poem ever written for the series, and my favorite poem. I won an award for this poem. A Certificate along with a plaque. A Dancing With Dolls Electric Mind Symphony:
Swaying to the tune of his own
autumn psychosis.
Yet in the summer field
among the blazing sunflowers
he dances with the doll
kidnapped from loving arms
into the grasp of one
indeed of a great power
but not of love, nor of sound mind.
Invincible, or so he thinks of himself,
and the doll is invisible -
for his sight, and in his eyes only
does she dance.
We’ve observed his ways
and I’ve eluded his hold
but the doll is fragile, meek and trusting.
She weeps for her loss
as he calls her tears
A Valley Of Sorrow.
Adorned full in black
and gray of ash,
his hair is kindled,
flowing long and flickering crimson
as he waltzes with the
unseen porcelain.
Her eyes of glass
and tears of pearls
pleading to cease
but his clock has yet to chime.
And all this time
we perceive from a Looking Glass:
A Strange Distance -
and behold a single presence
dancing alone naked
in human guise at the
midnight hour
in a Sea of Flames.
His hellfire will always be
in a loop of time
but not so the doll;
for one day,
my faith will hold her hand.
I have rendered justice.
His burning is on my mind.
And once she crosses that bridge
his power will come to end.   (My poem is longer than the one read. I had to do it because of copyright. The one you read above is in my book. The one you hear in the audio is the one turned in to the Contest. I also cut out my name from the audio. He said my name and where I was from. I wanted more privacy.)   This next one is pretty good, I think so anyway. 🙂 Brocken Spectre High Places
Mountains of Old
and Valleys of Oblivion.
Heavens and Earth.
Tall Ones and small children. Could you
split the sky in two?
Tear the veil of the Heavens?
Roll back the blue and reveal the black and stars? Create yourself anew? Are there green screens in the sky to make it look blue? Stand on a mountain.
What do you see?
Your halo and glowing self. Transfiguration.
Change! The son of man took two up with Him to a High Place,
a mountain. The two with Him saw
the son of man changed.
The law on one side.
The prophet on the other. But how many went up the mountain? How many? How many did the two see? Three. Three. Three. Just a Brocken Spectre
of the magickal mystickal kind. Have you ever wondered
if this place is replica of a sham, what’s really
out there?   This one got an award when I submitted it in a contest:   The Woman Behind The Man She was made in his appearance
and his in a God, absent.
His soul was aching
from the depths of the Deep
the shade as a forest night.
She resided without,
knowing she could be
more than,
but suffered less than
and the man was a
fragmented mind.
When God awoke from
His eternal slumber
the man was given uniqueness
and apart from the woman,
he was a new name
a modified gender
but the woman lolled
in his spirit
ever yearning for death,
yet she prevailed
as the thorn on his side.
Though faces change,
the human remains
her body laid to rest.
What once was lost
has never been found
‘til the reflecting pool revealed
the image
of the woman behind the man.   Track 32 - Dancing With Dolls222222222.mp3




How to get rid of Stress, Depression and Anxiety (what helps me)

Go shopping at markets that carry incense. Pick up your favorite smell, purchase it. Don't forget the incense burner. And lighter or matches.
While you're out,  buy a yoga mat. Go  home and burn the incense, and place the yoga mat on the floor near a t.v.

If you can get YouTube on your t.v., great! If not, then watch it on your computer/phone/etc.

Search for "ZenLifeRelax", and find a video on their channel. Make sure it is 432Hz. Meditate.   Other places you can find it is at :

PowerThoughtsMeditation / PowerThoughtsMeditation Club Meditation and Healing

Good Vibes - Binaural Beats

Healing Tones

Inner Light by Brainwave Power Music

Lovemotives Meditation Music

Meditative Mind Brainwave Power Music

Here are some channels I watch on YouTube that help me a lot:

Your Youniverse
YouAreCreators / 2
You Create Your Reality
Victor Oddo
Vero Verius
Universe Inside You
Tony Robbins
OSHO International
Law Of Attraction Coaching
Jake Ducey
Infinite Waters
Higher Self
Hans Wilhelm
Edge of Wonder
Dauchsy (Meditations)
Aaron Doughty   Some of these you may think are ridiculous. I always look for what message from the Universe ("God") that I can get.

Remember, Heaven is a state of mind. Hell is a state of mind. Be present.




Stress; Lost; Helpful Quotes of Wisdom; My experience; Christmas

Having stress right now, some anxiety and depression. Even listening to my Spirit LIfe Coach … it's not giving me confirmation.

I need the Universe to keep sending me the signs and messages, else I feel i'm lost and  just … lost.

I need someone to tell me something that will be something the Universe would say.  I was told that The Universe speaks through people.

My numbers have been off today. It's like I fell out of the wrong side of bed.

Well here's some things that may help:

"When you realize your thoughts are creating your reality,
Your mental, emotional, and physical health
will improve."
-Ralph Smart, Infinite Waters (YT) "Don't let external events, situations, or circumstances govern your internal condition."
-Ralph Smart, Infinite Waters (YT)

"Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.”
- Mahatma Gandhi   Wisdom is the ability to use your experience and knowledge in order to make sensible decisions or judgement.
Wisdom is knowledge and understanding applied to an experience.
Wisdom the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.
Wisdom is the soundness of an action or decision with regard to the application of experience, knowledge, and good judgment.   Trust the Universe and the Universe will always deliver - however, those are just words. In order to get what you want in life, there must be action behind the words you speak. All that matters is action. (One example of this is my own situation. I begged the doctors for 10 years to help me with my back pain. They offered nothing. Then I began to exercise (I was very heavy at one time). Once I quit begging the doctors (and begging the Universe) for help, and put my words into action by exercising, NOW, the doctors are working with me 99.9%. I have lost a total of 50 pounds within the last year (because I had spine fusion surgery in 2017), and what happened when I put action behind my words? The doctors took me more seriously, and I'm doing very well right now because of it.)


May your New Years resolutions be manifested abundantly  this coming year 2019.




Our First Christmas Together

This is my first Christmas with my fiance! How fun! We have a huge artificial tree (that looks real) that he bought and put up which I love. We have no ornaments, lol, but it's covered with bright lights. It looks amazing from the street through the window. Our cat loves to climb it though so we constantly have to keep her off.  Anyways, this season I've been feeling like a bit of a scrooge. The month-long holiday season is just too much for me to bare. I'd much rather just celebrate one day and one day only, not for an entire season!!!! It's been getting to me, and my office went far overboard with celebratory activities -- from a candy house making contest, to ugly Christmas sweater day, cookie baking day, the Secret Santa party within my dept, then the company-wide Yankee swap -- good Lord. It's been never-ending!  So it's our first Christmas and New Years together. We're going to NYC for New Years to see a favorite band of both of ours. Two nights of concerts, back to back. I cannot wait to get away!  Then after the holidays, it's time to diet to get ready for the wedding and honeymoon in St Lucia. I need to lose 10-15 pounds!!! I've gained weight over the last year and absolutely hate it. My fiance says I still look beautiful and sexy, but I don't feel sexy with extra weight on. Oh well. Guess that's the price you pay for happiness! We've both put on weight. He's going to diet with me. I have to gear up for this... I have not had to diet since I was 16 years old!!!  What else? Guess I am also really looking forward to a couple days off from work!!! And next weekend too. YAY! Thank goodness.  Here's our Christmas tree!  Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy holiday to all!           





A while ago now, I lived in Japan for nearly four years. I suppose I was overdue for this to bite me one more time. That's bad enough. It's worse that I primed it by doing nothing other than opening my mouth.  Let's not pretend. I went there to sell my body. Despite this, Japan had an effect which is would be visible if you ever took a look at my home. Or my psyche. Much to remember and more to forget. Nevermind, where's the fun in therapy if the things you would change aren't the mirror same of the things you wouldn't.  And it probably doesn't help that the children learn Japanese at school. It certainly doesn't help the the eldest of samesaid children , who takes these things seriously, learns the language after hours because she wants to be perfect. The younger is enthusiastic for different reasons. She just likes to be naughty in a language her dad doesn't understand.  And he din't help when he idly asked what we're doing for New Year's Eve. Why wouldn't he when he hasn't been here for three months. And why wouldn't he when ... ah. nevermind.  I just wish I wasn't sufficiently pissed off enough to say, more or less, "we're going overseas without you to see how you ****ing like it." Come to think of it, it would have been much better to perhaps not say exactly this in front of the children. Bit forgive me, both came with a built-in irony detector that I'm quite sure did not come from me.  Both said Japan. The eldest, because she  wanted to believe it and, the youngest, because the only other country she is aware is is Narnia,.  My husband then just looked at me. Not sheepishly. Not coldly. Just a look that said good luck with that.  And the reason he looked at me like that is because my time in Japan did not end well. Avoiding the less edifying detail, I was escorted to the airport, put on a plane, and told in no uncertain terms to never come back. Now Japanese justice is opaque at the best of times and, if we're being entirely fair,  pointedly and deliberately murkier for westerners  but none of that absolves me. I ****ed up. But since I was never charged with anything and since no one official met me when the plane landed, I have never really known how formal this has ever been. I do know I never had had the appetite to find out the hard way. I'm also reluctant to write to ask because of what might do to sleeping dogs.  The one thing I would like to know is how to tell two small children they can't go where they would like to because their mother has a lifetime travel ban. If you know, please, by all means    




A Struggle; Depression

I have been trying to quit smoking for a long time now. Mom smokes too and when I quit for 3 days in June, she quit too but it was like living with Satan. Or at least a wrathful God.

Anyway, I've been burning incense hoping that the smell of it will help me to quit. Also I tried meditation but my mom came in my room and jerked the headphones off my head and said "you were sleeping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This was at 6 or 7 am, and I had just woke up, after having a bad night. But I know I wasn't sleeping.

Mom's getting signs of Dementia and/or Alzheimer's. Right now her decline is very gradual. I hope it stays gradual, or stops totally at least. But I know the future will do as it pleases.

Back to cigs. I smoke half and put it out. Then later when I have a craving, I smoke the rest. But lately I've been going back to the last half of it too soon.

Does anyone else struggle with quitting smoking? Any ideas? I've tried everything except hypnosis.

I've been getting the come and go depression again. Like it leaves me feeling without hope. Maybe it'll get better. If I can stay focused on things I need to do, and get busy on it, I believe it will subside greatly. Mom won't let me do many chores or anything, since my spine surgery and other things. But maybe I can do laundry when she's not looking, or when she's napping. 🙂

Then I will feel useful, hopeful and helpful.