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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
    • 16 comments
    • 4,634 views
 

Someday I'll be Saturday night - ward day 10

I'll be allright. Yes, I believe in that.  Things have gotten much better for me during couple of days. I've been very active. I socialize with other patients, go out for walks and take part in groups. Of course it wouldn't necessary apply at home but at least I am doing things to improve my health here in the hospital. I haven't been to home yet but I am going home on weekend. Maybe stay one night.  A strange thing happened to me. I haven't been able to listen to music in so long

nhaar

nhaar

 

Practising my Mugshot

Yesterday, oh dear. Yesterday was rough.  Nothing particularly "bad" happened to me, it was just people. People honestly were testing me. I felt tested all day long, I just could not deal with people. I had to bite down HARD on my rage all day. So much so in fact that this morning I feel like I have been at a MMA Competition. My jaw is aching, honestly like someone scored a perfect left hook.  I'm not really sure how I managed to get through it without snapping and going ballistic

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

R Stands for Regret

The first initial of my real name is R. It definitely stands for Regret. I have decades-worth of regret piled up inside my mind. It's time for some more self-flagellation: I can trace part of the "break up" with my girlfriend to one specific incident. I was with my daughter at a bookstore one morning and my cellphone rang. It was my girlfriend. I quick ran outside to talk with my GF. I don't like talking on my phone in public much anyway. Be that as it may, my GF asked where I was. I t

JD4010

JD4010

 

Operation Betta Rescue - 2 Weeks In

Today is the 2nd week anniversary of my little Charity being "Officially" Open, I have always taken in any fish that I see that is suffering, not just fish but that is where my concentration is currently.  They have been a massive help, they rely on me for everything. Since I've had them I have not had a day where I failed to get out of bed. It has been very stressful however but massively rewarding. So I thought today I would share the little ones that I aim to rehome in the next week or s

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

Life, Work, and Writing....

You know, it occurs to me that I do not have a very good work - life balance. And my saying that should be taken as a massive understatement probably.  I have no life outside of work.  I can't afford one - we only have basic bills, we can't pare anything down anymore. No safety net (ie savings or credit cards)... it's hard to try to have a life when you cannot afford to leave the house, you know?  I guess, now that I think about it, there are things I could do.  I've tried crocheting recent
 

Tick Tock

I used to care. Really, care. Sometimes too much. However, after these last few years - I'm not sure when, exactly - I just don't feel it anymore. Not like I used to. I don't feel that spark in my heart when I should, or that quiver of fear in my gut when I know I should be nervous. I don't feel any sense of urgency when I think about what will come next in my life; what I should be doing to improve within the next month - year - 5 years. I don't even care that I don't care a

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Day Four?

Yesterday - Sunday - I managed to get out and walk 1 1/2 laps, which ends up being 1.3 miles.  I missed Saturday - don't ask me how. I think I entered some sort of time wormhole or something. It wasn't like I was busy or anything - I barely made it off the couch. Which is standard for me.  And Friday I was out of town, left early by 700am (early for me anyway) and didn't get home until nearly 645pm. Anyway, I managed to walk yesterday (Sunday).  Yay.  I still feel like I'm failing, but I am tryi
 

Applied for a New Job

It's a stretch and probably fierce competition, but I applied for an editorial role with a top publication company in my industry. It involves public speaking, NOT my forte, and lots of travel across the globe maybe 7 times a year, but what they heck, I figured why not try and put my hat in the ring to see what happens??? I want a different role and need it badly. I like my current job for some reasons, but I don't like my actual position anymore. I want and need something different and I love t

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Silver Linings

My first blog post. I’ll just type out everything on my mind, since I’m not so good at writing. I’m gonna try to look at silver linings in my life. I have this bad habit of just staring into space and hating myself and hating everything about this world and end up wasting a lot of time just being unproductive.  So what’s my silver lining for today? Watching SAO. Always makes my Sunday. Going to my religious class, even though I can’t remember what I learned there. And.. borrowing The T
 

The world as i experience it

We are all alone  People try to reach out but its impossible  I hate and love everyone.  I know thats confusing but i dont care.  I need the end of conciousness as its a hell.   EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has touched my world has left.   **** them. Why is it si hard to shut all the doors?

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer

 

Life in a psychiatric hospital

This is my fifth day in a hospital. I thought of writing you guys what it's like to be here. I am writing from North of Europe so my experience may be somewhat different from yours.  I am having lot of trouble concentrating so let's see how I work this out.  A typical day starts at 730am with a breakfast and distribution of morning meds. Nurses will wake you up and ensure you have some breakfast.  After the breakfast and meds everybody gather in a common room for a morning info. A

nhaar

nhaar

 

Live Everyday Like You’re Dying

Nobody, wants to let their last day be a day of disappointment.  So,if we learn  to live like everyday is our last day we would get more out of everyday we live.  I know it want be easy but we can train  our mind to become more motivated about  life than what we are currently doing. Hang in there my friend and I wish nothing  but the best for everyone.

Floor2017

Floor2017

 

Confusion, Rage and The Low Lows - Pt 2

So it seems today is one of my down days, nothing particularly triggered this but I have been very easy to annoy. People at work are getting on my nerves lately, everyone knows what I have been through as I am very open about my moods, diagnosis and what has happened to me. And still I still get shit I think it is a general lack of understanding, until you encounter the pain and loss there is nothing really that comes close to this.  I get things like "It's been over a year",

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

A long time no see.

It's been a long time.  A very long time. The last time I posted I think I was back I Australia around 7 months ago. I've been fwwling alot bettern since my laat episode. I'm now residing in New Zealand, with a stable job and I thought a much more stable set of emotions. Tonight I got drunk and realised I still lother of being myself. I'm a terrible lover and don't compare right to previous lovers or boyfriends. Bloody hell it's been a long time since I've felt this way. It almost feels like com

Stencils118

Stencils118

 

Honeymoon/Vacation in 3 Months!

OMG, this cannot come soon enough. One month down, 3 more to go!!!! I cannot wait. I just bought my wedding earrings, which I absolutely adore!!!! They're beautiful, with a crystal butterfly, flowers and pearls. They're perfect for me in every way since I love butterflies and flowers.  I am counting the weeks and days until vacation. My therapist told me to pretend that I am working to go on vacation -- so that is working right now. Work sucks. LOL. I don't want to work anymore. I want to w

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

When the going gets tough...

We've had some extremely cold weather for the past several days...low temps dipping down to -27F and highs only around -13F. Most of the city shut down yesterday and this morning. As I watched the weather forecasts leading up to the cold spell, I started feeling some dread and anxiety. I wanted to hole up in my apartment and not set foot outdoors. Then it hit me--what the hell am I thinking? I used to work outside all day in weather like this. I loved it. It was a source of pride to say, "yeah,

JD4010

JD4010

 

Positive Power of Persistence...

I will have you know that blathering on here is part of what finally got me up and around - well, after I took my shower.  It took me just over twenty minutes of first moving out to the sofa, then laying there on the sofa convincing myself I wanted to take a shower.  Should have taken one yesterday like a good little civilized human being, but that's another blog post. So I'm laying there trying to convince myself not to wait until this evening, which is code for 'it will not happen today'.  I k
 

Third Day...

Well, I missed walking Tuesday; in all fairness, though, I didn't get home from work and errands until after 730pm.  Tuesdays are my long days - I guess I should count myself lucky that I only have one long day a week.  But I did get out yesterday, just barely.  It was literally freezing - well, close enough at 36F.  But no wind, so my eyes didn't water nearly as much.  I just did one full lap, but that is actually an improvement. I got myself out by telling myself a short lap was better th
 

I should be grateful

tired of my solo life. when i got myself thru my most darkest moments in life when i was younger, i promised myself that life would get better, to hang on, to not give in to the depression, that one day I will look back on all this and smile that i got through it. i really thought life would of turned out different. i never prepared myself for solitude, how does one truly prepare for that? I honestly thought one day id have a family and a reason to live. just going through the motions of the day

allalone6

allalone6

 

Back to ward

I am back at the hospital. It was sooner and easier than I expected. Cutting and pill popping were about to get out of hands so I had to do something. I called my doctor and told her I need to be hospitalized. I am Lucky to have her as my doctor. She took care of everything so now I am safe and relieved.  I will write more later. I just wanted to tell you guys that I am now where I am supposed to be right now. 

nhaar

nhaar

 

Day 2? Sort Of?

Yesterday was my second day in a row of walking.  It was damn cold (wind chill of 25F)  and my eyes watered because half the time I was walking into the wind.  But I did it.  I am going to walk at least one lap, at least 6 days a week.  Part of me gets so discouraged - all I can seem to see is an endless procession of weeks parading out before me - egads, I can't do that!  So I will narrow my vision - I'm only walking this week.  Sounds short-sighted, but an enormous part of what sabotages
 

I Need a Misha Moment....

Posting this more for myself than anything else... but that's the nature of a blog I guess. Posting for oneself, but in the hope that someone else will somehow connect with something you wrote.  I started reading a book recently, on recommendation of a friend. I wasn't sure how I would like it, but it's not bad so far.  Classic High Fantasy - Belgarath the Sorcerer by David & Leigh Eddings. I'm only on chapter 9, so I've really barely got started.  Anyway, that doesn't have anything to do wi
 

Well, I Made It...

I made it around on walk last night.  Forgot to put socks on, and now I have blisters on the bottom of my feet.  Poor me.  Anyway, I guess the whole 'small steps' thing isn't working for me.  Apparently I am a 'do or do not' type. I did about one and a half laps, which ends up being @1.3 miles if my phone app is to be believed.  I'm just going to try this every day, and give myself an allowance of one day a week.  If I give myself more than that, I end up not doing it for a couple of weeks. 
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