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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Back to square one

During past couple of months I've been healing from both, depression and hypomania. It hasn't been an easy path to recovery. I have suffered from many symptoms on my way. It's been a struggle and now I have to admit I am back to square one. I have fallen ill with depression again if I ever really got over it at the first place. I've been talking about my symptoms like being tired all the time without realising I am actually ill. I've been blaming things like autumn and shorter days. That is just bullshit. All I needed to do is look around and see it but I haven't been ready to see clearly. I am depressed. I've lost pretty much every progress I've made this far on my journey to recovery. I had to re-build all my routines. I learned to eat and sleep again. I learned to take care of myself and revived my social life. I re-gained my concentration again so I was able to read and write again. Now I've pretty much lost all. Now I can see it was devious depression making it's way in my head and body. I keep asking myself how is this possible? It's been only few months since I was in a hospital. But this is the truth. There's a good day every now and then but good days are getting rare. I am tired of life. I can manage working part time but I don't manage home life. It's all becoming too overwhelming. Piece by piece depression is taking over my life. I've still got my will to live so it's not quite there yet. But it probably will be. I'll give it three weeks.  

nhaar

nhaar

 

We Got Our Wedding Rings!

Just back from visiting his parents in Florida, which honestly was a little hard since they're elderly and not well, but we still had a great time. We returned home to find a package containing our wedding rings! We bought them ahead of time, but now we have them. We tried them on and they're both really nice! Now we just need to figure out a wedding!!! We still don't know how we're going to pay for the wedding. It's going to be very small! LOL. Just immediate family. But it will be fun!!! And then we'll have a big party with our friends after... anyways, I'm sure I've already written about that. I'm just excited our rings arrived much earlier than expected!!! Here's us in Florida! 😃

RiverLight

RiverLight

A trip to Seafortress

Kids have this week off from school. Little autumn break before darkest months. Weather has been exceptional for few days now. I am glad I took the kids to the Seafortress. Something was must-do. I don't want them to see the way I really am.  We had great time and spending a day enjoying nature and surroundings gave me a break from anxiety. There is a but though. Why do I always feel guilty enjoying something? It happens every time. It's like I don't deserve it. Anyways, my mind is too overwhelmed. My kids exhaust me and they are not even small anymore. My brain capacity is limited and I am not able to write so I'll share some photos instead. Enjoy!

nhaar

nhaar

 

Kublai Khan

I think me, myself and I need to spend some quality time locked together in grim reflection. Oh well, it's been a few days. If nothing else and if history is a guide  that also makes us a few days overdue. Seated together at the dresser, we can do some really fun shit like looking into the Mirror of Madness and peer, plaintively, once again at the yawning, foggy chasm the divides what we want to say from what we do say. Oh, us.  Maybe it was just growing anxiety. Maybe I could have just said that.  Instead, I told him that if he dies I am going to come over there and revive him for just long enough to do it myself. And that is the (only) forum-friendly bit. Holy hell, I even asked Ruby, out loud, if pandas could eat people.  Not his fault. I encouraged him to go because I saw how willing he was and how much it took to re-organise his ... interests, let's say ... so I could live my vocational dream. I saw with rare clarity that he needed to get a century or two away from the phone and the very demanding world he lived in and everything else and  just clear his head. And come home cleansed. Because that is what he does for me. Everyday. So when he and his ________, ________,  _______ mates decided to spend seven weeks on a slighly skewed, reverse Mongol horde type tour from Moscow to Cambodia or Burma or some ****ing where I was genuinely all in. He can't comprehend half of what I love either so why should I complain. I even wriggled the promise of a jade bracelet out of him if he promised to not go stepping on any landmines. Just as an aside, his uber-ethical, paleolithic mate with the beard to prove it questioned my willingness to exploit cheap overseas labour and I told him not to judge me in his cheap Chinese t-shirt. Thus, they were all satisfied I was cool with it. Until they left.  Now I ain't. I want him to come home. "My name is Ted and one day I'll dead dead. Yo, Yo" he sang down the phone. That would ordinarily put me in a good place, not least because I love-love-love that song. And he knows it.  Not today. And I can't call him back      

Gisele

Gisele

Oneness

A blog from the Scientific American imagined a world in which people had a different worldview. What if everyone adopted the Hindu, Buddhist concept of universal Oneness. The idea that everyone and everything is one. All physical matter, consciousness, and realities, merged as one collective entity. As an agnostic, I am tempted to dismiss this concept, as it has the distinct stench of religion. But many religions, especially Abrahamic ones, vehemently reject a concept that lumped their god with any mortal being, but Hinduism agrees with just that: That we are all god and god is all of us. And as the old saying goes, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend". Any perspective rejected by popular faiths piques my interest, and this is an idea supported by logic and reductionist reasoning. If you remove pieces from a car, starting with the engine, the tires, doors, how long before it stops being a car? It is difficult to tell, suggesting that a "car" is simply a concept attached to a cluster of matter resembling a certain form. At its base, the car is made of metal, rubber, glass, fiber, and gasoline. Those pieces are made of atoms, which are made up of subatomic particles, a rabbit hole that eventually, according to quantum physics, ends in quarks. But everything else is made of quarks, you and I, the synapses which form your consciousness, your laptop/phone/tablet, the earth and all matter in the universe. Black holes are simply the lack of matter, like the silence between the notes of a piano piece, which are just as much of a part of the music as the sounds are. So the universe becomes one. A sea of quarks that vibrate in different ways to form different things. If the world believed in oneness, we would break down walls and see each other as an extension of ourselves. When we hold a pen, our brain thinks of the pen as another finger. Imagine if we thought of other humans as an extension of ourselves, of the Earth as our flesh and blood, of the universe as our own consciousness infinitely and precisely. We live vicariously through everything, and everything lives inside of us. We take care of each other as we would take care of those we love, we take care of our planet as we would our own abode, we define ourselves as "everything" instead of "mother, father, brother, sister, child, employee, citizen, man, woman, winner, loser, rich, poor", or even "me". What a world that would be. https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/what-would-happen-if-everyone-truly-believed-everything-is-one/
 

On Street Adventure

Yesterday was really...something. I had to traipse all over town looking for prescription cat food for my two felines, both of whom have urinary tract issues. My daughter was along for the ride too. At one point, we were negotiating a traffic circle when I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye...it was some guy on a motorcycle doing 30+ MPH as he rounded the curve. I nailed the accelerator to get out of his way. Scared the hell out of me. Once on the straightaway, he caught up to me and started to pass on a 2 lane road. He got beside me on the driver's side and was yelling all kinds of obscenities at me. Then he would ride in front of me and lay on the brakes, forcing me to stop suddenly (with cars coming up on my rear bumper). I was trying to avoid him by taking alternate streets but he kept it up. He was screaming and motioning at me to pull over. Another car tried to get between him and I but he would roar right around them too. I kept right on going because A. my daughter was with me and B. I didn't know if he was packing heat or not. This went on for 15 minutes! He'd pull in front, grab his brakes, swing over as to hit my vehicle's door, and then pass me again.  I finally ditched him by pulling into a busy parking lot at an electronics store. He didn't follow me in there because of all the potential witnesses, I suppose. The guy was absolutely psychotic. He was younger and BIG. I'm older and was driving my rusty old minivan.  Why he saw me as a threat, I just don't know. I was able to avoid a collision in the traffic circle by getting the fook out of his way. And he goes off on me. Gah! Took an hour for my heart to stop racing. 😮

JD4010

JD4010

 

Fertility

Fertility One cant expect
a seed to grow
without rich soil
And spacious rows

The water and sun,
They have their place
In order to create
A vibrant face

One must nurture
the plant to breed
and if they're lucky
They'll get one seed

If one looks more closely
(Using vision that they lack)
The seed, half dead, too tiny,
With a monstrous crack

The flower is pretty
It has its needs
One must be willing
To give, to feed

But MY flower, my flower

No seeds to make
No seeds to take
No seeds to plant
Or more flowers to breathtake

Here is my reality
I will never truly see
that Nature's rhythm, tone and song
wont be here for very long

Tick tock goes the sun
The flower, once pretty

But now

It dies and dies
And dies again

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Yeah, More $$ But is It Worth it?

This job is well.... there's pluses and minuses like any job I suppose. There's good people. I love my boss. They have win.e and be.er hour every other Thursday, summer Fridays where we get to leave early on Fri (half day), and the culture is warm, supportive and inviting. The CEO loves me and I'm doing a great job so far -- all positives right? BUT........ I have to do these freaking long as.s reports each month for every client -- they're seven pages long each. Then I have to do a client presentation for each client, reviewing the reports, answering questions and reviewing strategy. After reporting week and client meetings, there's really only two weeks of the month to actually work on client projects. Today I failed at my client presentation -- I fumbled and was obviously nervous. I am not used to giving presentations and have ptsd. Well, it basically sucked for me, and I am  now missing my former cushy work from him job where I was just editing web pages, just recently. Now that was nice and easy, but only part time and hardly enough money.  So I am making a huge amount more in salary, which is nice too, but is it really worth it?!? I've only been there three months or so. I am already thinking maybe I will move on after a year..... another downside? I have yet to learn anything new!  I just do not know. Today was brutal, AND I've had no sleep. I am going to Florida this weekend then to NY so I will be rejuvenated (I hope) from the trips!  That's all for now. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Reality check

I had a little back to reality moment today. A panic attack caused by my daughter knocking mightily the front door after school. They usually use their keys or the door remains unlocked whenever someone is home. Today she knocked and I triggered. Sounds ridiculous, I know. Unfortunately that's me. I am terrified of people knocking my door and endless list of other things. A great reminder how f**ked up my mind is. Dear Universe, thank you very much for a reminder. I got to thinking when you are chronically ill, how do you know when you are well? How do you know when you are mentally stable? My moods are stable thanks to lithium and antipsychotics but am I well now? And what about panic disorder? Does it sync with my bipolar or is it separate? I feel okay. There are no highs and lows but definitely panic attacks and social anxiety. I sleep too much and I can only work part time. This is the best health I've been in years. Is this all I get? Will it ever get better than this? Being mentally ill all and the rest of my life really is some hard core stuff. Not for everybody but I've made it this far against the odds. I have to get well over and over again without a promise of a better tomorrow. I am managing my moods now. It gives me a feeling of stability. It's a fallacious thought. I have no control over other problems. I've been suffering from shorter days and now I am afraid I am facing a new challenge. I work only 60% but it's taking 100% of my brain capacity. I've worked only five shifts since I got back. I get through my shifts very well but at home everything feels too much. I've lost my concentration and therefore writing is not a pleasure but a stuggle. Every blog post or whatever is becoming harder and harder to carry out. I wonder if I tried to compensate working only 60% with writing 40%. Why do I need to give 100% of me when I am clearly not up to that?  There's no going back to my old life. I won't survive that life anymore. I've reached a point where there is only one way to go. Meeting reality.   (By the way, the panic attack was a real deal today. It left my body so exhausted that I fell asleep and burnt a cassarole in the oven.)  

nhaar

nhaar

 

Can't Sleep Tonight...

Ugh, I can't sleep. My fiancee is peacefully asleep and I am wide awake. I have a big client presentation tomorrow, and I am extremely nervous. I had no idea when I got into this job that I would have to present in front of a room full of people -- my worst nightmare. I am sure it will get easier in time, but right now it scares the heck out of me. I suffer from anxiety and PTSD and talking in front of groups of people can make me physically shake.  What if they ask me something I can't answer? Or what if I fumble and show my anxiety? What if don't sound as knowledgeable as I should be? These are the fears in my head... not even real thoughts, but they're there.  I'm a senior in my role now. I know I know my stuff for the most part, but there's a lot I fudge my way through, especially around the technical side.  Well, I suppose I've made it this far in my career -- hopefully I can overcome this fear and be successful presenting. The one good thing? I know more about my field than my clients -- so if I can keep that in mind as I go into tomorrow, perhaps it will help. Now I just need to be able to sleep. I took an Advil PM... I hope it kicks in soon -- the last thing I need is to be tired on top of anxious. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

A Great Reminder for Myself

Stemming off my last blog entry, I ran into an extremely toxic person on a different forum. Her poison seeped into me for a full day, I was enraged about her rude, vicious and obnoxious behavior towards me, and it was a GREAT reminder for me that I am avoiding these types of people like the plague. She even wrote a poem about me, which I had to report. It has yet to be removed, but I am sure it will be soon.  Toxic people are awful people. At the heart of it, they're miserable --- however, a lot of people are miserable, yet don't take it out on other people. Toxic people make everyone else miserable too. They spread their poison onto others. EW. I want to slap them and call them haters. They are the haters in life. They hate other people because at the root of it is envy, inferiority and insecurity. It's disgusting behavior though, and it makes me seriously ill.  I've taken deliberate steps to eliminate such people from my life, including toxic ex boyfriends. Don't need 'em!!!!  End of rant. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Winds of Hell

The wind is howling through the trees and my ears. I smell it like a bee smells the Lavender, and I am afraid it will take me away like seeds of the Dandelion.  Only the seeds land on infertile soil. They die as my inner hurricane rushes through, breathing its hate into all of my thoughts. No control. Just chaos. That voice constantly tells me things, as the memories gust through common sense. The things no one would understand. But I do. And I act accordingly. Hurting, hurting. Wilting. Dying. Fly Dorothy, fly.      

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Unhappy People LOVE to Drag Down Happy People

I am seeing a lot of envy on this other forum where I post, coupled by meanness and lashing out at me because I am truly very happy. GEEZ! Calm down, people, and gain control over your emotions. I fought for my happiness. I climbed over mountains and fought through miserable circumstances. I pursued what made me happiest, but don't condemn me because I have made it to the other side and you have not. Don't condemn me because you're miserable and cannot stand your own life. Make it happen. Pursue what makes you happiest. We are each responsible for our own happiness. Hell, I spent years fighting many battles. I spent years in less than desirable circumstances. I was DEEPLY depressed four years ago -- suicidal for eight months straight when a great life dream came crashing down around me and my whole world fell apart. I had to pick up all the pieces myself. It took a LOT of work and time, but I did it and with a LOT of external support. My life slowly improved, one little piece at a time. But I worked for it.

So if I can climb out of a deep dark depression, anyone can. There IS hope and there IS happiness to be had. But people have to do it for themselves. No one else will.   If you're unhappy in a particular situation, then figure out how to make it better OR leave that situation. If you're in a bad relationship, then get out. If you're in a horrific job that makes you miserable, then get out and find a better one. If the people around you are making you unhappy, then don't be around those people. Find people who lift your spirits. Do whatever in life makes you happiest. We have to work for it, we have to fight for it, and it's SO worth it in the end.  But please don't condemn me because I am happy and am living a good life. I did not have a great life for many years. Now I do, and that's because I worked very hard at getting there.  So there's my rant for the day. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Autumn is here

Goodbye summer. Hello seasonal affective dosorder. Autumn is real. It's happening right now right here. My friend from North sent me a video today. It was all winter. All white, snowing and reindeer. I wonder if Santa suffers from seasonal affective disorder. In Finland 10-30% suffers from light symptoms and 1% serious disorder.  It's not all white here in South. Probably won't be untill January. It's just darker day by day. Four seansons are great but here in polar circle it means extreme light and extreme darkness.  I don't usually suffer from darkness. On the contrary, the darker it gets more hypomanic I become. This year could be different. I am feeling different. I've been tired all week. Sleeping on the couch in addition to eleven hours of night sleep. Feels like spring when I am usually very tired. Everything is upside down. I've been useless today. I haven't gotten off a couch all day. Well yes, I ate and made some coffee but basically I've been sleeping and staring at my phone. I don't want to be tired. Christmas is coming and so many things to do! I want to enjoy tidy and cosy home and enjoy candle light. It's hard if I've got no energy to clean up. Though it's easy to fool oneself and switch off lights and lit candles. Mess magically disappears. I thought today that why should I even write. What's the point. I don't know if no one is reading anyway. I could just sleep all day long. If I was working five days a week, I would be usefull. Nobody would question if I was tired. But I am only working three days a week. M comes home from work soon and I haven't done anything here. House is a mess and I haven't fed the kids. I haven't even brushed my teeth.  I hope this goes by. I can't have depression now. I don't do winter depression. Spring and summer is my thing.  

nhaar

nhaar

 

Not meant to be

Back when I was in second grade (shortly after the invention of the wheel), I developed a crush on this gorgeous girl. I wanted to sit by her at lunch, play with her at recess, and just generally hang out with her. I don't know if kids that age are supposed to have crushes but I certainly did. 53 years later and I can still clearly remember her name and what she looked like. Unfortunately, "they" split us up in 3rd grade...she went off to a different school. This is but one more reason I fell so hard for my lost girlfriend. She reminded me of this beautiful girl I fell for over 50 years ago. Yes, maybe I "idealized" my lost girlfriend, but that doesn't change the fact the I was madly in love with her. Hell, I still am. I want to look at pictures I saved of her but I dare not. I'll fall down into that deep hole again and potentially never crawl back up and out of it. I'm pathetic. Maybe a meteorite will hurtle down from the heavens and obliterate me.

JD4010

JD4010

 

Procrastination....

Is it still procrastination when you cannot afford to do something you need to do, so you put it off?  I'm not sure. I'm really good at procrastinating, though.  I've been putting off a dental visit, because of difficulty getting away from work and mainly because I don't have the money for a copay. I find out today if they will take my insurance. Everyone says yes they will because everyone takes that insurance, but I have to know for sure.  Because it's my normal luck that they won't. So I've been putting off having a tooth pulled since about August, and it's finally getting to the point where its making me sick.  I start antibiotics this week in preparation for my appointment next week. I hope it helps me feel better. I feel beat up and achy and exhausted, and I can't sleep well because my hips hurt so much.  Here are a couple of pics, because I need cheering up already....    
 

Kick-to-Kick

It hasn't been the best few days. Was less than my best self all of Saturday night and into the early hours of Monday morning fretting about my best friend. I wish I could talk about it. Alas, I can not. It's one of those over-my-dead-body things but that doesn't mean I wouldn't cheerfully bend over for some seriously good perspective and wisdom. Not just about it but how I deal with it, She is the smarter and cleverer and betterer of us and has been since we met. All the way back to school. Now the rescuer's shoe is on the other foot, I just feel utterly bereft and the most piss-poor friend in the entire world.  I perhaps should have sensed what was coming sooner but we were at the Grand Final and I was focused entirely on basking in the inexorability of a stunning runaway romp by my beloved Collingwood. And this is exactly how it unfolded right up until they … well, um… lost. By a kick. Oh well. My fault really. I think I celebrated just a moment … or a half of football … too soon. Nevermind. I’m here for my litany of actual rather than imagined failure and that makes me very optimistic when my team is leading. At any time. Returning to my seat with a plastic flute charged with the very finest of French fizzy stuff, I noticed our brand new Prime Minister was at the game. Maybe the sack of shit was around 50 metres away and enough down grandstand that I seriously thought of becoming the world’s very first bubbly, Bubbly terrorist. If only I could throw that far. Please forgive me but no amount of reason or luck or psychotropic medication could cure me of an on-sight hatred of any and all happy-clapping conservatives that see no place in their God’s kingdom for either corporate governance or minorities resourceful enough but plainly not white enough for political asylum. Makes me ashamed to be Australian. Leaving that aside, we trudged out in half a daze whereupon I chanced once again upon my happy self and keenly plotted getting the children home and fed and tucked in and looked after under the careful watch of the sitter before getting … let’s not pretend … royally sh*t-faced. The latter I was only part-way into when it unravelled. Or, more exactly, my most treasured and oldest friend unravelled and that is catching. So there were tears and anger and lots of unedifying things. And they weren’t all mine. Which is weird. When you’re me, you just know if would be great if someone else got a turn at all the emotional shit. Until they do. Then you know it’s so much worse. And you also know it’s mostly you that causes other people to feel that way. And so it goes. So then it’s “Focus, you dumb ___, this isn’t about you”. Etc. ****. So, on Monday morning I took my bereft and under-slept and quite possibly moody-self off to work. Where nothing else could possibly go wrong. And it nearly didn't. I bluffed my way through one meeting and then another and headed into a third chuffed with the very real prospect I could pull off a fakey three-peat. Sadly, "John" was actually Adam and in worse trouble than the equally real and very absent John. I had to apologise, quietly retreat and slap myself in the face. It hurt more than I imagined and less than it should of.  Surrendering, I closed my door and sank into my chair for a good half an hour of serious and lonely pouting. I couldn’t even manage a minute before deciding to call it a day and head home. I thought great, I can pick the kids up from school because I really do miss doing that. Yes, that’s settled. Except it is the middle of school holidays and I had managed to overlook that small detail until I pulled up in the driveway and heard them through the front door. On a hair trigger now, I almost teared-up up that. So I listened to them excitedly relating something I can’t even remember now and went to lie down for a precious twenty minutes or so. Two hours later, I woke with Lucy curled up besides me, wide awake and immediately wondering if I was ok. Which only means I failed again. It’s my responsibility to make sure they never ask with worry in their hearts. For a seven year-old, she is so emotionally aware it’s frightening. She doesn’t say much, especially compared to her sister, but what she does say has a way of torching anyone’s best defenses. Just like her grandmother. I already feel deeply, deeply sorry for her future boyfriends.   So I braided her hair because it is wordless and nice and so much less sincere than re-assuring her with the only words I can find that tend to be impossible for even me to believe.  Done with her hair, I decided that we would spend the night at the farm. The girls were very excited so we packed up and got going. In the car is where the difference in my babies becomes glaringly apparent. Ruby is brutally and pitilessly scientific. It’s all why, what, when, how, who, who’s that and why, why, why, why, but why mum. I wished her dad was there to indulge her because does and I find it beautiful to watch and listen to. Except he wasn’t. But the police were and they decided that 84kph in an 80 zone was far too hot for the law-abiding community to handle. I mean, honestly. I couldn’t object because I was, umm… technically speeding, despite all the overtaking undertaken by the same law-abiding community helping me think I may not have been. Oh well. But perhaps not. I can’t say I was that enamoured when he leant into the driver’s side window, peered tellingly at the children for longer than was decent only to look once more upon me all stony-faced like I was the devil. The latent judgement that their lives are worth more than my own was at least accurate. Everything else about it irritated me both enormously. And instantaneously. “Is there a reason why you are speeding, madam?” he asked, pointlessly. Why they do that god only knows. In nonetheless demanded some sort of answer.,“There’s a shoe sale I’m desperate to get to before all the good stuff goes,” He was plainly not amused. So I got a micro-lecture on public safety and, if I’m honest, this is what I was hoping for. Because I gave one back about the virtues or otherwise of directing drivers onto a median strip ridiculously close to passing traffic to pontificate about terminal speed when the real issue in our present circumstance might be relative speed and how he might want to spend some quality time thinking about that tomorrow morning before he decides where to set up shop. I was suddenly glad my husband wasn’t there. And almost wished he was. But all good. Just a ticket and free to go. So I did. And we had fun and I talked to my friend that night for, I dunno, hours and helped hatch a plan and etc. etc. and took the day off and …. other stuff.              

Gisele

Gisele

 

Rejected

It happened again.  I re-lived one of the most traumatic incidents of my life. I was rejected by my parents when I desperately cried for help. A cry after cry I was ignored. This has wounded me deeply. I forget it time to time but then suddenly one word pushes me off the edge and I am left hurt and angry again.  This is what happened.  I texted my mother if we could see. I really felt like talking because I was excited about going back to work. I don't share much with her but sometimes I get this feeling that I really need her. She told me she was having my sister over so I didn't want to crash. My sister is pregnant so that would have been all we taked about. So, I suggested my mom if she liked to go for a walk later in the evening (we are basically neighbours). Before I pushed 'send' something inside me told me not to do that so I wouldn't disappoint. Her answer was 'no'.  And right then and there tears rolled down my cheeks and I felt as devastated as sixteen years ago. Somehow my fragile mind found a connection to my traumatic experience.  All the same feelings like a wave flushed over me.  How cannot I get over it? It's been sixteen years but I just can't let it go. This is what happened sixteen years ago. I was eighteen, mentally ill and suicidal. I had been mentally ill years but they couldn't see it. Not even when I was having panic attacks at the age of ten. I had hid it all because I had learned not to talk about difficult things.  But now I had to tell. I had to tell I couldn't go to school anymore. I was too ill. It was the hardest thing I had ever done that far. I don't know what I expected. Caring? Support? Love? I got nothing. And it wasn't just that. When I overdosed and didn't wake up all day, it was like it never happened. When my father picked me up from from bars or lockup, it didn't happen either. After second suicidal attempt, nobody picked me up from a hospital. I was screaming in a room full of people but nobody wanted to hear me. I can't trust them. I can't trust anybody. I can't trust I get help when I need it. Or at least as long as it's about my mental health. How loud I have to scream? Is my mental illness inappropriate?  I am so hurt again I won't be telling a thing for a long time. The memory is just too painfull. I will wait until they ask me how I am doing. They stopped asking last year when I got my diagnosis. Maybe it's hard for them for several reasons but that is not an excuse. They are my parents. I am an adult but I am still their child.  Now I can't write longer. I am in tears. I am so hurt.  

nhaar

nhaar

 

He's Talking About Eloping

So, wedding plans, part II! We're now talking about eloping! We cannot afford a wedding, and neither one of us cares too much if we don't have one. At least I don't, and it's his second marriage, so he doesn't mind either. But now he's also talking about doing it soon, like in the next few weeks. He's already picked out our wedding rings, with my input and help, which we can afford. But I may want to wait and elope somewhere exotic, like where we will go on our honeymoon. Then again, I don't really need to wait, so if he wants to do it sooner, that's pretty much OK by me. I just had a vision of being on a some exotic island, getting married in a very romantic setting then celebrating our honeymoon. Sounds pretty awesome, right?? 

But maybe we'll get to a point where we just want to be married, and that's the most important thing. Or, we'll wait until we can take a trip. But that could be months! Who knows?!? Either way, we're both very excited!! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Sad Story, part XXXVIII

Gah! I just accidentally deleted a long post here. Damn! So here goes again... Did you know I met my long lost girlfriend here on DF? It's true! She was a member for years. God help me, I can't get past her, even though it has been a year and a half since I last heard from her. The relationship started by one of us responding to a post the other had made. I think she talked me out of suicide...or I talked her down; I can't remember exactly. At some point we began corresponding via PMs. Our relationship grew slowly until we finally exchanged emails...and after a time, phone numbers. Probably a six month ramp up until I realized I was falling in love. And it seemed she was doing the same. We shared everything. We talked for hours on the phone. We supported each other through health and relationship issues. We eventually exchanged pictures and by golly, she liked the way I look. Amazing. I thought she was beautiful too. Stunning, in fact. Huge, deep dark brown eyes and lots of luxurious black hair. Good lord, I fell for her, HARD. We would message back and forth when I was in boring meetings.She would routinely crack me up and I'd have to stifle laughter. I thought about her constantly. I was in a state of bliss when we were chatting or talking over the phone. Just the thought of her warmed me inside. With her in my life, I felt alive again after years of near-death during my awful marriage and the divorce. I had a reason to get up in the morning. I was as giddy as a high school kid going out with his Big Crush. No, I was even happier than that. I was in heaven. She was the perfect woman, I thought. In spite of her health issues, which were significant. She was completely accepting of my craziness, and vice-versa. But then it came to a halt, after 3 wonderful years. In retrospect, I kinda sorta knew something might be wrong. Just hints. She called me less frequently and seemed to grow a bit distant. I chalked it up to her health issues, which were quite pronounced at the time. Finally, the calls and messages stopped coming. April 2017 was the end. No more messages or phone calls, in spite of my attempts to contact her again. To say I was devastated is a massive understatement. I felt like knife had been repeatedly plunged through my heart. I fell into a pit of despair that I still haven't crawled out of. I was crushed. I began drinking heavily because, "who cares?" I certainly didn't care. Life sucked grievously without her. I'd give anything to have her back. I've never been in love like that, even when my ex and I started dating. My GF was everything to me. Memories of her voice and beautiful face still haunt me, no matter if I'm awake or sleeping. I suppose I should resign it to just another failure and bitter disappointment in my life. I really should be used to this kind of thing after all these decades of the universe kicking me in the ass. But this one HURTS LIKE HELL. Hell's bells, I'm a guy and I'm crying as I type this. Whatever. That has become my response to everything since she left. Whatever. I'm doomed to the memories of her that constantly filter into my consciousness. Almost anything will remind me of her...a song, the sight of a woman with long black hair, mention of a place where she lived, whatever. Yes. Whatever.

JD4010

JD4010

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