What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
Life's getting better. Everything is possible. I am incredibly, unbelievably lucky.
But it's hard. And it's not that my mind is against me, it's that I have an illness that challenges me sometimes.
I got drunk a while ago and spoke to a friend about how I'd planned to **** myself a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember what point I was trying to make was; maybe that things aren't as rosey as they always look, but I was surprised at how hard that hit someone. It's weird. To me it
Wow oh woweeeeeee! I am sooooooooo excited!!!! I am seeing the results of my work, and I am feeling a sense of great success.& accomplishment. I can hardly believe it!!!! I doubt myself ALL the freaking time at work, mainly because my field naturally lends to that, but also because I just doubt and question myself.
What I do at work is both an art form AND a science. There is creativity and strategy involved, but there are also certain steadfast rules, meaning very specific DOs and DON'
It’s been a while since I posted on this blog. I completed my anxiety group in January and for a while things seemed to be going okay. The Cymbalta was working, I was feeling pretty energized, things were going okay. February was really rough. It was exceptionally cold and most of my energy was put into just getting out of the house each day. I made the mistake of admitting to an acquaintance that I was developing feelings for him, and regardless of his answer, that admission really made me real
Why do we get so sad when we go back to our childhood haunts? Do we grow sad because we were so much happier as kids, more carefree and less stressed? Is it because we've lost the capacity to view a world with infinite possibilities? I often wonder why this phenomenon occurs. My youngest recently told me she reconnected with some family members and found out some things we didn't know. She said it made her sad and angry that she had missed out on so many years with that part of her family. I tol
I'm edging into the good time of the month now. The time when I feel fairly confident and capable. There still seems to be a disconnect between what I want to do and what I actually do. I've been looking up something called Executive Function Disorder, but I don't think I quite meet the criteria. It's hard to say.
Anyway, because this IS my Karl Urban and Misha Collins blog, and because I need to keep my mind on more positive things, I'll drone on and on about Karl. Because I can fin
Obviously a mood becomes a problem when it..well when it becomes a problem. We have all been there.
I feel fine now, at the moment. Tired and disorientated perhaps, anxious and irritable too. Agitated. Exited. Euphoric even. But that’s the way it goes for me when I feel (hypo)manic. Or depressed. As I am never truly either.
There is something cyclic going on, but it is not full blown bipolar. Neither have I ever really had full blown depression. There is always
Well now, I have been struggling with how to put this into words all afternoon. I had an appointment at my local hospital today. It was for the results of the tests that they have been running for almost 18 months. I have felt numb since the diagnosis. It just seems weird, like it's not happening to me. I feel removed from my body and mind right now.
The Dr. Was very good, gave me my diagnosis and explained to me what this meant in terms of treatments, side effects and gave me a load of in
Wow... it's been nearly two weeks since I put an entry in here. Last week was really crazy for me, but I'm not sure what happened the week before that. Last week we all went to a conference for work. Sitting in classes, routine upended completely, no hubby.... Sleep did not come easily and did not stay for long. I messed up my exercise routine big time, but I"m getting back into the swing of things now. We are renovating at work, so there is upheaval there, too.
I am so
Later this week I will be at a work conference in the Big City. That is my idea of a nightmare, not to mention that I'm out of anxiety meds and reduced to taking 2 Benadryl every 4 hours until my re-up appointment Wed.
Mon Mar 11- walked just over 1.6 miles in 30 minutes
Tues Mar 12- (my late day at work)
Wed Mar 13- (re-up appt) travel to conference (2.5 hours one way) 30 minutes on treadmill at 3.7mph
Thur Mar 14- missed - conference
Fri Mar 15- missed (travel home f
Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.
That's basically my yesterday night. Unfortunately alcohol also creates new problems. I don't drink often but when I do, things get ugly. I have been avoiding this issue long time but after last night it's time to do some inner searching and face the fact - I have a problem with alcohol.
Let me tell you how it started. It started the moment I hit 18 and alcohol and nightclubs became accessible. I was t
OMG. Our honeymoon is now weeks away. I cannot wait!!!!
I went wedding dress shopping with mom and sis yesterday and tried on several pretty awful dresses, lol. Wow, I felt like the doll that stands on top of a wedding cake. Hehehe. So I've decided to wear the one I have. It's perfect for a beach wedding in hot weather. I'm going to have it taken in some to give it more shape, and my mom bought me all the right jewelry for it yesterday. Yay!
I am now dreaming of drinks by the poolsid
I was finally checked out from hospital last Friday. It feels so good to be at home. I've kept myself quite busy. There is no space or time for depression right now.
Hypomania is gone so I am delightfully enjoying steady mindset. I've still got lot of energy but I guess that's the real me - active, motivated and creative. Sometimes it's hard to recognize the real you when you've been sick so long and your illness has become part of your identity. Or at least you think it's who you are. You
Today has not been easy.
I had some plans for today. I had run my race... and that was that.
It's been rough.
I still don't know what the plan is for tomorrow. I have no choice but to keep moving. Even today I don't have time to spend on this; I have too many commitments that I can't just drop. But here I am, sidelined with this illness.
I wonder if I should stop everything and say that enough is enough, I need time to heal. But I wont, and honestly I can't.
A post in the suicide forum gave me a flashback. I responded with the following in that forum but I also wanted to post it here in the blog. I trace some of my current "issues" back to this time in my life. Maybe I'll explore what it all means some more. Or maybe I won't. Probably wouldn't do me any good.
I had to change schools just before fourth grade. This would have been in 1968. The school I started attending was small, with a 4th grade class of 31 students. They had all been together
So I thought that I would put up something that I can work towards.
There is a charity "event" that is coming up in June, all proceeds go towards St Barnabus Hospice (Respite Care Charity). Before My Mother and Grandparents passed, they were all lucky enough to spend some time in one of these Hospice's. Not to put down the NHS or anythign as they do a great job, but once they were moved into this Hospice they received 24 hour a day care and individual care coordinators, religious members if
I am really not feeling well this morning - I had canned chili last night and it's not agreeing with me. Ugh. At least I've managed to get up earlier in preparation for the stupid time change Sunday. Anyway, here is this week....
Monday, March 4th- 35 minutes easy yoga for beginners;
Tuesday, March 5th- missed a workout - spent the day out of town at a workshop
Wednesday, March 6th- walked 1.6 miles in 30 minutes
Thursday, March 7th- out sick - does running to the bathroom c
I am going wedding dress shopping with my mother next weekend! I had one picked out, a much more casual dress, but now that I've looked in the shops a little, I may swap it out for something more dressy and elegant! I'm excited!! Here’s the one I’m considering!
Life is pretty amazing. I've been through SO much in my life -- so many trials, so many challenges, and so many setbacks... a mental breakdown resulting in two hospitalizations five years ago.. several bouts of depression, months of suicidal ideation, severe anxiety, PTSD, many abusive relationships... you name it, I've been through it.
And today? I feel stronger and healthier than ever. I am celebrating. I've come a VERY long way.
On the work front, I am succeeding and am kicking bu
Tonight was probably the worst Al-Anon meeting ever. Not because of the people but because of the subject matter. Since I was sexually abused as a child and as an adult, I have grown to view sex with disgust. The mere thought of getting "intimate" with anyone invokes an immediate urge to vomit. Even someone touching me without expecting it makes my skin crawl. I have three children only because I was taught that sex was expected, not a choice. Since I have been made aware by my therapist that I
I'm scared that I might be heading down that slippery slope into depression again. It could have started with Post-traumatic stress symptoms which added on to the ongoing vicarious trauma and eventually burn out that I might be experiencing.
I'm scared because I don't want to go down that road again, but I am suspicious and I am feeling lousy that I am not doing as well as I hoped (although I know I shouldn't compare with the many out there who can't get a job)
I am scared because I kn
I don't know how I'm feeling this morning. Anxious, which is fairly normal. I am learning that the majority of my anxiety comes from working with one particular person, who is relentlessly critical. If this criticism were in support of high standards, I would find a way to embrace it, because trying to achieve higher standards helps us grow and learn and expand our abilities. But this relentless criticism has always been about exercising control over others. I don't know if that distinction
The time change will be upon me all too soon - I hate it. I hate it not only because I lose an hour a day, but because here in the Midwestern US the 'fall back' time fits my Circadian Rhythm much better. So come spring, I'm always a little exhausted - I looked it up, its something like chronic fatigue, only caused by having to live a schedule that's just a little bit (hour or so) off your natural Circadian Rhythm. It turns out it's just as exhausting as it feels, losing that stupid little hour.