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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr

Big Changes At Work

It's only April and I'm already looking forward to our "summer Fridays" schedule at work. We get a 1/2 day every Friday all through the summer -- a MAJOR perk to my job.  My boss is now taking a very difficult & demanding client off my plate in two weeks, so finally I have an end date. He could tell I was getting agitated over it because I've been overloaded with too many clients lately.  We also now have two new senior people on my team, so I am no longer the solo senior team memb




Skewed Vantage Points...

It's taken me quite a long time - an embarrassingly long time, in fact - to realize that my point of view is radically skewed.  I was just reading the first few pages of one of my kid's college English papers, and I stopped a couple pages in.  It's about a trip we took to see the Eclipse back in 2017.  It was a big trip for us.  I stopped reading because all I remember about that trip is what I didn't do, or what I messed up.  Most  positive memories don't linger for me, which is probably why I


I’m still feeling down. I hate how blessed I am but I don’t know how to be grateful and appreciate them. Why do I always fear being judged. Why do other people’s opinions matter so much. I should not be measuring my worth according to other people’s words and thinking. I Am a worthy person. I have done many things that make me be able to overcome so much. Sigh. So my counsellor gave me an exercise to write down what is one of my negative core beliefs of myself. And below that, write down 3

F me

"when you walk in the bar. And you're dressed like a star, rocking your f me pumps..." So I'm writing this while listening to Amy Winehouse. I guess I understand her better than ever now.  I want to be honest. I'm angry. AT myself. I've wasted so much of my life caring about what little nobody's thought of me. Putting on a fake show to try and win them over.  Always striving to be as popular as my friend (who was an absolute social butterfly) - and putting myself down in




Why am I different?

I'm almost 59 years old, which means I'm almost 60, and I've been asking myself that question for as long as I can remember. Why do other people interact with each other so easily?  What is it about me that seems to scream "talk to her differently, treat her differently, don't befriend her..."?  What secret do all the others know that somehow I missed?  Can people really take one look at me and sum me up completely, judging me unapproachable, unlikeable, not right, not "one of them"? 

Pain and paranoia

Paranoid and pissed off.  I am sick and tired of the constant tendon pain I experience. There is nothing that works. There is no pain if I do absolutely nothing. But the pain is back immediately after activity, any activity. Just carrying a shopping bag(doesn’t have to be heavy) will flame my elbow. Walking hurts the ball of my foot.  I am tired of this life going nowhere. Except south of course. I feel it crumbling around me. Good riddance if you ask me.  Just today I had the tho

Writing the Ending....

I can never seem to quite manage the endings when I post these blogs. I feel bad about that, actually.  Like, here you are zipping along the highway, and boom! the road is out and there wasn't even a sign to warn you.  I hate it when that happens.  Sometimes I get a proper ending in there, but most of the time I feel like I just leave it hanging, sort of unfinished.  Sometimes I just run out of things to say, and I don't know how to wrap it up, so rather than stressing over an ending I just leav

Feeling A Little Less Like Death...

[This entry was meant to be posted last night, but silly me got tired and went to bed instead of being stubborn and staying on the computer.  So don't be too impressed by two blog entries in one day.]    I must be getting over this Crud, because I feel more normal today... whatever normal is, LOL.  I don't feel like I'm dying, anyway.  I'm thinking I can get back to my walking routine tomorrow.  I'd love to tonight, but I think that would be pushing it, considering I have to work tomo

The man without qualities

This is how I think of myself. This is what I have been preaching all this time on df. Robert Musil, the author of "The man without qualities" was writing about a certain end of an era. A group of old-school Viennese members of the aristocracy planning an event for Franz-Josef, at the brink of WW1(apparently they are unaware of the possibility, let alone aware of the end of the Austro-Hungarian empire) . As we all know, that war was the beginning of the change the way Europe thought of itse

Not Feeling Well...

I've been sick since Saturday.  Just The Crud, nothing special.  It kept me out of work yesterday, and I should probably stay home today too. But it's my turn to work late and I feel obligated to drag myself there.  Why?  I have no idea.  Why am I killing myself for a place that doesn't appreciate it?  I used to believe in what I did; now, I'm just marking time.  Afraid to reach out for another job, because there's no safety net.  No savings, no credit card, no family close by to pick up the sla

Week of Monday, March 25th

My schedule has just been off the last couple weeks. Here's this week: Monday, March 25- 2.78 miles in 49.5 mins Tuesday, March 26- 1.69 miles in 39 mins Wednesday, March 27- lots of shin and heel pain - .81 miles in 15 mins Thursday, March 28- trying to take it easy for shin and heel pain - walk home from work - .81 miles in 15 mins Friday, March 29- missed - shin and heel pain was intense last night even though I took it easy Saturday, March 30- missed any sort of


How do I put this? Things come and go left and right. It's been like this for months now, especially with work and family matters. People quit or choose not to do their part and it screws everybody over. Family events, surgeries, etc. Yknow, all the fun things. I can't get over how my bonds with people have been changing. I'll start talking to a group of people in real life, and once I find that we don't necessarily work well together, I avoid them to the point where they hardly see me

D is for Demons day

Today is April 1st.  That means tomorrow is April 2nd And April 2nd is the day of my first A level exams. Now, if you've heard anything from me in the past couple of days, then you'd have heard about this exam thing and probably are sick to death of hearing about it. But... BEFORE YOU STOP READING ! -  I'm not trying to make a big deal out of something ordinary that everyone at some point in their lives has to face. No. I'd probably bore you to death if I did. 




My depression story

*I posted this on the new members forum, so if you've read it already just ignore it. Just wanted to get it on the blog X Hi, my name is Meg. I am 18 years old, and I suffered from major depression for the past 4 months.  I've come to learn so much in the past four months, some of the most important things i've learned in my lifetime.  I want to share my story and the things that i've learned from this experience in the hopes that one of you - out there, may be able to relate, fee




Our Favorite Characters....

I tend to love characters that are often perceived as cold, asocial, grumpy, stoic, difficult to know - like Detective Kennex from Almost Human.  I've heard somewhere that our favorite characters are our favorites because we see part of ourselves reflected in them.  I can really see that in the character of Castiel from Supernatural.  But in Detective Kennex, I don't see some of it - stoic, difficult to know, asocial, moody... often perceived as cold hearted... I guess I think the character of D

Doing okay

Hi everybody and thank you for reading!    I am doing pretty okay. It almost feels scary to say those words out loud. Like if I say such a thing, something bad will happen. But I will say it again just to defy the Universe: I am doing good.  My mood is stable and everything feels easier without anxiety and psychotic symptoms. Spring and summer is usually hard for me but now it feels different. I've got lot of energy but it's good energy. I don't have any hypomanic symptoms which i




Just a little pick me up

List of things that I'm grateful for today 1. My bed 2. coffee 3. My cat 4. My education 5. My Dad 6. My Mum 7. My Nan 8. Comfy clothes 9. My friends 10. Food 11. Music 12. The Sun 13. The Sea 14. My Dog 14. Fluffy Socks 15. Showers 16. My Phone 17. My laptop (because it allows me to talk to you guys :)) 18. Candles and perfume 19. My car 20. Kind strangers 21. Gogglebox 22. My Heal




Self-pity (an Inhibitor)

Life is unfair.  If you look at life from the perspective of good and bad. Some people are more fortunate, others are less fortunate. Shouldn't it be equal ? Why should one person have it easy whilst someone else has to struggle with sh*t throughout life.  ----- That's the perspective that I used to have. I would view myself as being less fortunate than others - why did i fail my exams when I tried so hard and sacrificed so much ? Why do I have a knee




I want to be content when I die

I just watched a Louis Theroux episode called 'Edge of life'.  It showed hospital patients who were on the verge of death, and it showed them and their loved ones having to swallow the death sentences that had been given to them. A particular guy moved me to tears. His name is Langston and he was in his early 20s. Langston had overdosed on heroin which caused severe brain damage and ended him in a coma. The hospital called in a Neurologist to examine his brain scans. Langstons pro




Week of Monday, March 18th

Last week was crazy for me.... out of town conference, sitting in classes all day, away from hubby... completely thrown out of my routine. I didn't sleep very much or very well.  Anyway, here's this week. We're undergoing renovations at work right now, so things are up in the air there, too. Monday, March 18- it was beautiful here, so I took the long way home; 30 minutes, 1.56 miles Tuesday, March 19- chance of rain after work, so hubby & I went to the gym; 30 mins treadmill (7 min

The Dark Pit

You don't want to sleep,  but you don't want to be awake. You don't want to eat,  but you don't want to be hungry. You don't want to be around people,  but you don't want to be alone. You don't want to do anything,  but you don't want to do nothing. What you really want to do is stop existing, but you can't do that without dying,  and you don't really want to do that either.




The Truth

Life's getting better. Everything is possible. I am incredibly, unbelievably lucky. But it's hard. And it's not that my mind is against me, it's that I have an illness that challenges me sometimes.   I got drunk a while ago and spoke to a friend about how I'd planned to **** myself a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember what point I was trying to make was; maybe that things aren't as rosey as they always look, but I was surprised at how hard that hit someone. It's weird. To me it




The Sweet Taste of Success

Wow oh woweeeeeee! I am sooooooooo excited!!!! I am seeing the results of my work, and I am feeling a sense of great success.& accomplishment. I can hardly believe it!!!! I doubt myself ALL the freaking time at work, mainly because my field naturally lends to that, but also because I just doubt and question myself. What I do at work is both an art form AND a science. There is creativity and strategy involved, but there are also certain steadfast rules, meaning very specific DOs and DON'



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