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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
    • 16 comments
    • 4,536 views
 

Fifth Ketamine Infusion – 7/18/2017, 69mg, 1:45pm Part 1

Now that you know That something's not right Look at it carefully In pale logic light Don't be sorry If you can't recognize The errors and faults In such a perfect disguise Only illogics can find hidden flaws in a straight logic line Only erratics recognize errors in patterns of a perfect design - Erratic Patterns by Carbon Based Lifeforms   Usual pre-infusion protocol. Music playlist a mix of ambient and songs with lyrics in a language I don't understand.

Atra

Atra

 

Mehhhmorable

So today I'm pretty sad. Was much more at peace yesterday than today. I am writing this blog from in front of an Al-Anon meeting place, the meeting is supposed to start in an hour. I came to the same meeting place last night and nobody showed up. Today I called to confirm time and place, they told me it was a fluke and to try again. There were about 75 people in the AA meeting next door, so where were all those peoples' peoples? Anyway, talked to my mommy and went home. I'll try it one more nigh

Tearz

Tearz

 

Everything Will Be Okay; Tiny Lessons

I tortured myself as I usually do, thinking and jumping to conclusions, the worst case scenario. Synchronicities piece things together with reassurance. And the Universe is for me, right beside me, Gratitude shows up everywhere. My dominant thoughts become my dominant experiences and reality. I believe in the Secret. Now I must only apply it in full. The past I cannot change, it is gone, and the future is out of my control Be Present. The Present is the Pa

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Random kindnesses made my day

Not random kindnesses bestowed upon me, but random kindnesses I freely gave. Lots of them, too, like a snowball effect, the more I did, the more I wanted to do. Doing nice things without expecting anything gave me a sense of fulfillment. Does this mean that being selfless is...selfish? I once heard a doctor with Doctors Without Borders answer the question "Why do you do this?" with the following answer: "For the most selfish reason in the world. Because it feels good."  Maybe for the very f

Tearz

Tearz

 

Give us this day....

I think I may blog daily. I find this freeform spewage lightens the burden on my shoulders. Read it or don't, makes me feel better either way.  Today I had a better day. I still cried most of the day, which actually started yesterday, and finally stopped after I got out of my therapist's office. My therapist is wonderful and I am so grateful for that. I felt better just sitting on her couch bawling, because I know that when I'm there, I'm safe to feel any damned way I want to. Mostly we tal

Tearz

Tearz

 

Paint it Black

I remember listening to Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones when I was in college. I played it over and over again because it so completely described my outlook. Kind of sad for a dumb ass 18-year-old kid to be thinking that way. 41 years later and I still feel the exact same way. Honestly, there are many days where I wish they'd just plant me in a room somewhere and fill me up with sedatives. I could then just lay in bed and not give a sh!t about anything. I kind of don't g

JD4010

JD4010

 

Mistakes

I've been gone for a while because I was trying to sort out a problem that I recently had. I had obviously made a mistake, or I call it that. I'm afraid to tell what it is because I don't want people thinking the wrong things about me. But.. well, I had to see my psych doc on the 28th of January. He has me prescribed Cymbalta, Lorazepam, and he used to have me on Invega, but I had a seizure, so I quit taking it for the rest of last month. So, I wasn't on my antipsychotic med. I went about 2 1/2

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Through Tough Times, Have Things to Look Forward To

This is going to be long. Both my fiance and I are having a rough time right now. Together, we are doing great and are strong, so that's not an issue. But we are both facing enormous and mounting work stress. His job is now 100% commission and his checks have significantly dwindled lately, to no fault of his own but due to dysfunction within the company. He is beyond stressed about the dwindling income, naturally, which makes things harder for us financially. I am very stressed about my own job

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Notes of an Amateur Disorderist

You don't have to be Sherlock Freud to figure this one out.  Someone has exposed part of the brain on driver's right, and sprinkled that gold glitter used in craft projects over the area.  It may look fashionable, but will indeed cause a host of "abnormal activity of neural circuits," as mentioned.  Even the regular, "breath in . . . now let it out," request from your doc can cause slight B.B.D., "ballooning brain disorder", followed by D.B.D., "deflating brain disorder."  Only try this under th

Bulgakov

Bulgakov

 

Adults self-harm too

Hear me out, I want to talk about something important. Adults self-harm too. I know it because I am a 34-year-old woman, married and a mother of three and I cut and abuse prescription medicines and other medicines.  Self-harm is not just teenagers' previlege. It's not just childish attention seeking. People cut for various reasons. Sure some are doing it for attention but also to relieve anxiety, feeling of control, punish themselves or maybe they are hearing voices that tell to do so.

nhaar

nhaar

 

Operation Betta Rescue - Other Fish

These are my latest acquisitions, captured via a police raid on a drug dealers house. Not the exact dish but the species. The RSPCA apparently got my number from a couple of Aquatic stores nearby and provided me with the tanks (thankfully) these tanks will be here at 9am tomorrow. The fish arrive Tuesday. So I have a busy weekend setting up two massive tanks for them. Not what I was planning on doing this weekend but what I have coming I could not say no to.  First photograph is a bree

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

I Got To Go

I cannot lay here I got to go.  Sometimes  life becomes so hard on us that we don’t  want to do anything but lay there, But we have to find a way to get up and go!

Floor2017

Floor2017

 

Someday I'll be Saturday night - ward day 10

I'll be allright. Yes, I believe in that.  Things have gotten much better for me during couple of days. I've been very active. I socialize with other patients, go out for walks and take part in groups. Of course it wouldn't necessary apply at home but at least I am doing things to improve my health here in the hospital. I haven't been to home yet but I am going home on weekend. Maybe stay one night.  A strange thing happened to me. I haven't been able to listen to music in so long

nhaar

nhaar

 

Practising my Mugshot

Yesterday, oh dear. Yesterday was rough.  Nothing particularly "bad" happened to me, it was just people. People honestly were testing me. I felt tested all day long, I just could not deal with people. I had to bite down HARD on my rage all day. So much so in fact that this morning I feel like I have been at a MMA Competition. My jaw is aching, honestly like someone scored a perfect left hook.  I'm not really sure how I managed to get through it without snapping and going ballistic

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

R Stands for Regret

The first initial of my real name is R. It definitely stands for Regret. I have decades-worth of regret piled up inside my mind. It's time for some more self-flagellation: I can trace part of the "break up" with my girlfriend to one specific incident. I was with my daughter at a bookstore one morning and my cellphone rang. It was my girlfriend. I quick ran outside to talk with my GF. I don't like talking on my phone in public much anyway. Be that as it may, my GF asked where I was. I t

JD4010

JD4010

 

Operation Betta Rescue - 2 Weeks In

Today is the 2nd week anniversary of my little Charity being "Officially" Open, I have always taken in any fish that I see that is suffering, not just fish but that is where my concentration is currently.  They have been a massive help, they rely on me for everything. Since I've had them I have not had a day where I failed to get out of bed. It has been very stressful however but massively rewarding. So I thought today I would share the little ones that I aim to rehome in the next week or s

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

Life, Work, and Writing....

You know, it occurs to me that I do not have a very good work - life balance. And my saying that should be taken as a massive understatement probably.  I have no life outside of work.  I can't afford one - we only have basic bills, we can't pare anything down anymore. No safety net (ie savings or credit cards)... it's hard to try to have a life when you cannot afford to leave the house, you know?  I guess, now that I think about it, there are things I could do.  I've tried crocheting recent
 

Tick Tock

I used to care. Really, care. Sometimes too much. However, after these last few years - I'm not sure when, exactly - I just don't feel it anymore. Not like I used to. I don't feel that spark in my heart when I should, or that quiver of fear in my gut when I know I should be nervous. I don't feel any sense of urgency when I think about what will come next in my life; what I should be doing to improve within the next month - year - 5 years. I don't even care that I don't care a

WordsInTheWind

WordsInTheWind

 

Day Four?

Yesterday - Sunday - I managed to get out and walk 1 1/2 laps, which ends up being 1.3 miles.  I missed Saturday - don't ask me how. I think I entered some sort of time wormhole or something. It wasn't like I was busy or anything - I barely made it off the couch. Which is standard for me.  And Friday I was out of town, left early by 700am (early for me anyway) and didn't get home until nearly 645pm. Anyway, I managed to walk yesterday (Sunday).  Yay.  I still feel like I'm failing, but I am tryi
 

Applied for a New Job

It's a stretch and probably fierce competition, but I applied for an editorial role with a top publication company in my industry. It involves public speaking, NOT my forte, and lots of travel across the globe maybe 7 times a year, but what they heck, I figured why not try and put my hat in the ring to see what happens??? I want a different role and need it badly. I like my current job for some reasons, but I don't like my actual position anymore. I want and need something different and I love t

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Silver Linings

My first blog post. I’ll just type out everything on my mind, since I’m not so good at writing. I’m gonna try to look at silver linings in my life. I have this bad habit of just staring into space and hating myself and hating everything about this world and end up wasting a lot of time just being unproductive.  So what’s my silver lining for today? Watching SAO. Always makes my Sunday. Going to my religious class, even though I can’t remember what I learned there. And.. borrowing The T
 

The world as i experience it

We are all alone  People try to reach out but its impossible  I hate and love everyone.  I know thats confusing but i dont care.  I need the end of conciousness as its a hell.   EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has touched my world has left.   **** them. Why is it si hard to shut all the doors?

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer

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