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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 16 comments
    • 5,858 views
 

Anxiety

In continuation of my last blog post, but more derivative... Anxiety. Depression seems like a life long battle, but when anxiety rears its ugly head it really cripples me. Everything stops. In fact, it was anxiety that led me to the doctor; therefore prescriptions, in the past. Yesterday, I felt a bit of anxiety for the first time since I was going through the medication dance earlier this year. It concerns me. Sometimes the reasoning for anxiety is out of my reach. It lies somewhere
 

Tangent

So in May, after being on Trintillex for a while, I decided to quit anti-depressants. After some pretty-intense anxiety started springing up; and the Sertraline (Zoloft) I was taking for years wasn't cutting it anymore, I went through a pretty disruptive trail and error of medications and anti-depressants with my doctor. But when Trintillex wasn't working well for me, I decided enough was enough and I was going to fight through this some other way. As risky as it was to let things ju
 

The Boys...

This is gonna have to be short - I'm still on foot, hopefully our car will be out of the shop today.  (cross your fingers and toes)  I am almost frothing at the mouth to be able to watch Urban's new series, The Boys.  Something about superheroes, or superhero watchers.... TBH, I don't really care, because Urban. I watched the Comanche Moon series on DVD - I really identified with his character, Woodrow Call. But I will have to leave that for another blog post.  Hopefully I'll reme
 

where do i go from here?

these last 9 months ive noticed a huge change in me. im sadder. im more aware of what my life actually is rather holding on to the idea of what it could be. ive lived my entire life grasping onto that idea....just to keep me going. and well...my life is never going to go the way my "idea" is and im seeing that now. ive become a lot more reserved....everyone that has wanted to leave my life, ive let them leave with out a fight....im just literally going thru motions of each day. ive gained weight

allalone6

allalone6

 

Starting Over...

I feel like I'm starting over with my walking regimen.  And I guess I am. I missed so much - about a month, I think - that I essentially am back to square one.  I am trying to look at it as a chance to reset my thinking.  For now, my goal is to get out and walk for 9 minutes every morning when I get up.  I'm reminding myself that 9 minutes is better than no minutes. Likewise, 5 or 6 minutes is better than no minutes. I'm trying to work myself up to a 15 minute minimum by about mid July.  At that
 

Solstice

Six months ago I decided to have a year away from here. That's probably a fail. Or, for someone as conclusion-averse as me, a stunning success. Six months in that context is nigh on eternity. Can't say I quite know what to do though, other than sniff with haughty suspicion, like a cat, at everything that might be different. Especially at those things that manage to be exactly the same Maybe the cat would be better for knowing that the only thing discernibly different is herself. 

Gisele

Gisele

 

Building

It's do or die.   It always was.   But it's different now.   It's much more raw, the hurt is much more real. I can't sit still. I can't sleep.   I'm too hungry.   My head is in a really bad place right now, but I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can create.   35 days from today, look at my life.   Give me 35 days, watch what I do.   It's going to be sickening what I'm going through, and I'm doing it while I'm

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Uh oh

Maladaptive daydreaming: Maladaptive daydreaming, also known as excessive daydreaming, is a disordered form of dissociative absorption associated with vivid and excessive fantasy activity that often involves elaborate and fanciful scenarios. It can result in distress, can replace human interaction and may interfere with normal functioning such as social life or work.[1][2] People who suffer from maladaptive daydreaming can spend more than half their days in "vivid alternative universes".[3]
 

Stress

So yeah...i do too much. I care a lot. Im trying to be the better person i thought i was when i screwed someone over a few years ago. While ill never be able to fix that, or make it better, what i can do is move forward and do what i can, right? Be what i was always supposed to be. Its difficult now though. I insist on going to hot yoga daily as i was gifted with sn unlimited intro month. So its been my training for a huge physical endeavour im about to embark on. Havent had time to train p

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Hard Days

I've got an illness, and sometimes it makes things hard.   I'm always strong, around people. That's the way I'm meant to be, but they get used to it, expect it and rely on it, and dump more on me because that's just the way it works for them. That's fine, I like the illusion that I matter in this world, and that I can help in some small way.   But the weight is heavy, and I'm already not doing very well.     I've got to be honest, the only plan I have for

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Low Point

We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.   I don't want things to be easy.   I don't want rest.   I don't even want help, or right now, love.   I don't want to sit still.   I don't want to be comfortable, or even happy.   I've got shit to do.   Give me 5 weeks, I change my world.     Take from me everything, when I think I have nothing to lose. Prove to me how much

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Annoyed by Work Now

So they expanded my responsibilities, but now I'm totally overloaded and overwhelmed. GRRRRRR.  I'm totally excited to be doing something different and new, but I am not happy that once again, my plate is overfull. I have to talk to my boss and worry that he's going to push back. I wrote him an email on Friday letting him know that I was working Friday afternoon (when on one else was), that I have to work this weekend too, and that I want to discuss removing 1-2 clients from my plate on Mon

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Fear

FEAR -- a strong emotion caused by great worry about something dangerous, painful or unknown that is happening or might happen. Sounds simple. A noun that can stop the strongest person but fear can paralyze a depressed person. Fear can cause the flight or fight response in the brain. There is one other option that no one talks about - flight, fight or freeze.  I have spend fifty plus years in the freeze mode. Every argument at home, I froze. Every time I was make fun of, bullied, or fe

nojoy

nojoy

 

Properly letting go

I've told myself to let go but it's clear that I still haven't learned how to do that yet. I'm still trying to force a future thats completely out of my control. And it makes me angry and defeated when I can't find a way to make it work. So instead of giving up on life completely, why can't i just let go. Live for this moment right now, even though i don't have much, it''s painful, it's far from perfect, but still, I should try and make life easier for myself right ? I have these voices in

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Should've never try to start a new chapter in my life

So my big plan to start a new chapter in my life to win the small fights against depression, to find another job, to try to live better than I have been has been an epic failure. Don't know why I even bothered. Depression slapped me hard and I could not handle the overwhelming fear of failure. I am a failure at everything I do or try to do. How many times have I tried and met failure. It's not worth the anguish to try anymore.  I am just going to make it from one day to the next. No expecta

nojoy

nojoy

 

Do You Want to See What I Am?

Take from me everything, when I'm at my lowest.   Let me lose, when I thought I had nothing left to lose.   See what's left.   I'll show you.   Watch me build immeasurable beauty, watch me do the impossible, everything I doubted.   See what's real.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Best Laid Plans....

My plans for yesterday went in the toilet. Literally.  Can't say much more, as that's TMI already.   So I'm cheering myself up.... With SuperWhoLock on my Misha/Karl board.  For the uninitiated, that's a mashup of the Supernatural, Doctor Who, & Sherlock fandoms. I recently discovered it.  And I am filled with an inexplicable urge to write this....
 

Still Fighting

Things are going good. And things are going bad. Things are going a million miles an hour right now. And I've got an illness that means I need time. And I can't take time. I can't even admit my illness, because then my whole life falls apart. You can't rely on me right now, I'm a mess and every day I make it through is a little bit surprising.   I need time. I need rest. I need love. I need patience.   But there's no room for that. Or at least, this isn't the t

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Progress... Sort Of

I made it around my 3/4 mile loop. It took me 15 minutes, and I still had some ankle pain near the end, but I did it.  I am hoping to be able to do that every day.  I don't know how long I'll have to keep it up before I can extend time or distance. I guess when I get to the point where I don't have any ankle/heel pain or discomfort, I'll extend it. I hate leaving it that open, because it's too easy to just keep delaying progress.  Wednesday, May 12th    .81 miles/16 minutes  (Gojira) T
 

Maybe it's just Monday

Tired, discouraged, hopeless, ashamed, guilty, __________ fill in the blank with any negative emotion.  What do you do when you just feel like giving up and life is an uphill struggle...  ?
 

Gallows Humor....

Gallows humor today, in honor of Monday in all its cursed glory.  Once more on the treadmill we go.  This meme is almost too true to be funny; I literally cannot get to sleep at night until I come to terms with the fact that I will wake up in the morning - with no money to do anything that brings me joy despite full time job responsibilities that put me around people 8 hours a day five days a week ad nauseum.  I love what I do - if I could do it in the complete absence of people, my job would be
 

Not very good at journaling, am I?

Wow...another year gone by and still the chaos resounds.  I am beginning to think that I am  crazier than I thought. Functional crazy? Is that a thing? Oh I could list the things that ail me but to what purpose? Physical, mental, emotional.... it doesn't really matter does it.  How does a fighting spirit stop fighting? Reacting, responding, trying to explain... it all just makes it worse.  I am so angry and sad and feel so belittled and persecuted. Apparently.  Damnit. Just w

kels

kels

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