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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Fight Songs.....

Having to re-type this because somehow I erased it all..... LOL.  Anyway.... We all have our fight songs here.... I know we do.  I don't know each and every one of you personally, but I feel like it's a really safe guess to say that you all have a song(s) that help you renew your energy and your will to fight.... Here are a few of mine.....   Killing In the Name Of - Rage Against the Machine   -   This is a re-make done by Brass Against feat. Sophia Urista My favorite line - and you should try shouting this in the car or someplace where people won't look at you weirdly for randomly shouting things.... Trust me, it's cathartic.....  Because really, you should go your own way (unless that involves hurting yourself or others...) 'F*ck you, I won't do what you tell me...' https://youtu.be/bGV1xYJFAEI   Township Rebellion - Rage Against the Machine Favorite line - only one guess.... Again, try shouting this - because in a way, we are at war with the norm. The norm tells us we're not trying hard enough.  F**k that sh** - we fight harder than anyone else out there, period.  So shout it out, because it's true... 'Why stand on a silent platform / Fight the war, F**k the norm' https://youtu.be/2uSWn4WGOlA   Pull Me Under - Dream Theater This one may not be for everyone.  If you still frequently really sweat out the suicidal thoughts, this might not be true for you.  They don't often scare the f**k-all out of me anymore.  I'm not sure if that's good or not. This song reminds me that I've been down a tough road and come back alive - and not all of us do.   I think the song is actually about a warrior facing his last moments, and in a way, that is highly apropos... 'Pull me under / Pull me under / Pull me under / I'm not afraid' https://youtu.be/mipc-JxrhRk   Where's Your Head At - Basement Jaxx I love this song.  It makes me smile every. d*mn. time. without. fail. This is my song for myself, because I am - and always have been - a complete space cadet.  I love a couple lines in particular, but they may not be for everyone, especially if you are still struggling with suicidal thoughts.  For me, they help me keep my anxiety in perspective.  'Don't let the walls cave in on you / We can live on, live on without you' https://youtu.be/5rAOyh7YmEc   Anyway, there are other songs that inspire me, but they're not 'fight songs' - you know?  Maybe I'll share those later, because heaven knows everyone is beating down my door to read this, LOL.                                           
 

Bouyant.....

Bouyant as an adjective means 'light in spirit'.  And that describes me, today at least.  Hanging on to it while it's here, LOL.  💃  🙌   ✨      I could go into a whole explanation, but that wouldn't be ebullient.... LOL.  I swallowed a thesaurus.  🤣   The situation that was/is causing me anxiety is getting resolved and those higher up than me are telling me not to worry about it. So I won't.  Anyway, here is a little humor....                              I just want you to know I really love all my British friends here on DF.....  😍   😁   I do.... I love you guys.... I'm an Anglophile at heart, actually....     And Canadians are tougher than you think..... 
 

Notes taken from a Tony Robbins motivational speech

My Notes From a video called "The 3 Steps to a Breakthrough | Tony Robbins" Having courage is that while you are still afraid, you are still facing your fears. And fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. 1. The future as my mind tells me it is, is FEAR. 2. Ghosts are FEAR. 3. The Dark is FEAR. (Those are my fears. You may replace mine with yours, but every fear IS FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real). Get out of your comfort zone and do something that even you are astonished by. It’s not about being alone. Build something with someone with the same or similar vision. Loving being in an environment that people can support you, to help you become your greatest version. The body Is the subconscious mind. You have to pay attention to what you’re doing with your body, because that reveals the secrets of your mind and all our problems start within the mind, and manifests into our physical reality. We disobey our emotions which is the energy in motion (our inner guidance system.) Confidence = “to trust”. Do thinks that satisfy every cell in your body. Once you obey your true inner emotions, you form a greater coherency between the body, mind and heart. Once you are not in alignment with your emotions, with a true feeling, how can you be confident? How can you TRUST yourself? ((( My key words: intuition, focus, trust, confidence, courage, responsibility, humility, perspective. ))) Therefore, how can you trust anybody else? Professionals have practiced, yet are still learning. How do we learn? Through the bad times. Through rough, tough hard times. Through tests and challenges. Don’t rest on your laurels. You do something write, you say “I did it”… then you hear a voice “do it again” (Practice). We learn through repetition too. Highly confident people can always do it again, because it’s within them… Are you living from the inside out or outside in? Practicing everyday forms the muscle memory and it allows us to cultivate (aquire or develop, prepare and use) that trust within ourselves. (Universe inside you, trust universe). Lack of self love… looking in the mirror and you don’t like what you see? You lose trust. You lose trust when you rely on what others think of you. Lose trust when you allow another go give you value. Anything that keeps you in separation – break programming of it. Separation is related to fear. Low self esteem = feeling that we don’t have anything to contribute to the world. Or to ourselves. So we lose value. We wait for the approval of others. Love yourself when you go to the place of your greatest power. Meditation, deep rest. Externalizing your power “someone else is the cause of my problems”. This will change when you take 100% responsibility for your actions. Your own emotion. Power is within you. You are the guru. I can’t do what others do and they can’t do what I do because we’re in a different time in space. Move out of competition with everyone around you. Take back power to not be afraid of delving into the shadowland. True confidence from within, not how big your house is or how beautiful your car is. Inner knowing. We live our lives based on other’s value systems. Internal process. Punishment and reward. We are programmed so punishment and reward are learned behaviors. Dare to trust yourself! Reprogramming subconscious mind. Have the wonder, happiness and joy of a child. We all have a different purpose, follow, honor and be true to it. Lifestyle – bad, low vibrational foods = panic attacks. Self worth, the source of our own happiness = good foods, vegan even. Stop comparing yourself to others. Be inspired by them, but don’t try to BE them. Share your journey. Do what you resonate with. The greatest enemy and friend lies within ourselves. Taking risks = secret to confidence. The secret of confidence = taking risks = confidence of trusting yourself. All about versatility (ability to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities). You’ve done it this way for a long time. Now try something new. Become dynamic in your behavious  (dynamic = of a process or system, characterized by constant change, activity or progress. Have confidence you’re living from the inside out. Keyword: Coherency = the quality of being logical and consistent… the quality of forming a unified whole. The power is within you. Take radical action. Allow yourself to FEEL emotions as they come. Don’t hide or deny what you’re feeling. Sit with yourself through these feelings. They will not stay forever. Balance. Strive for it. Positive and negative are both necessary (think batteries) But it’s ONE Source… of energy. Emotions is energy in motion. Whatever you hide is still a part of you. Expose yourself. Tell everything that’s bad about it yourself (flaws) so your enemy / opponent can’t use it against you. People are more inspired by your struggles than your perfections. Dark things in dictionaries are always negative. Light = pure / good. That is programming and causes depression. (There are no races, border, money – this stuff is in your mind, and attacks it if you allow it). Embrace your shadow side, the darkness. In our darkest moments, we become illuminated. In the dark times, you learned your greatest lesson ever. Love the darkness and the light. Be Balanced. Stop doubting yourself and the universe when feeling the depression. There will be dark, challenging and hard times. We need to learn not to run away from them. Don’t run away from problems. Face them. Don’t be delusional. Be honest to yourself and admit you’re going through a hard time right now. Accept things for what they actually are. Forget 24/7 positive person. It just won’t happen like that. You came here to be real, not perfect. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes. What you think of yourself is the only thing that matters, not other’s opinions of you. Fear paralyzes action. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear is separation. Suppress your thoughts and you increase your misery. Equilibrium. Overthinking? Move into radical action. Thinking? You’re not being PRESENT. Lack of self love is the root of suffering. True wisdom is the knowledge and information applied. A true wise being knows how much they don’t know. The greatest relationship you can have is with yourself.     __

Later if I can remember to, I’ll type out all the messages I got from listening to the Tony Robbins motivational speech.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Notes from the videos I posted earlier

Notes from Infinite Waters videos Keywords: Confidence and Courage Confidence is moving out of your comfort zone. Having courage is that while you are still afraid, you are still facing your fears. And fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. 1. The future as my mind tells me it is, is FEAR. 2. Ghosts are FEAR. 3. The Dark is FEAR. (Those are my fears. You may replace mine with yours, but every fear IS FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real). Get out of your comfort zone and do something that even you are astonished by. It’s not about being alone. Build something with someone with the same or similar vision. Loving being in an environment that people can support you, to help you become your greatest version. The body Is the subconscious mind. You have to pay attention to what you’re doing with your body, because that reveals the secrets of your mind and all our problems start within the mind, and manifests into our physical reality. We disobey our emotions which is the energy in motion (our inner guidance system.) Confidence = “to trust”. Do thinks that satisfy every cell in your body. Once you obey your true inner emotions, you form a greater coherency between the body, mind and heart. Once you are not in alignment with your emotions, with a true feeling, how can you be confident? How can you TRUST yourself? ((( My key words: intuition, focus, trust, confidence, courage, responsibility, humility, perspective. ))) Therefore, how can you trust anybody else? Professionals have practiced, yet are still learning. How do we learn? Through the bad times. Through rough, tough hard times. Through tests and challenges. Don’t rest on your laurels. You do something write, you say “I did it”… then you hear a voice “do it again” (Practice). We learn through repetition too. Highly confident people can always do it again, because it’s within them… Are you living from the inside out or outside in? Practicing everyday forms the muscle memory and it allows us to cultivate (aquire or develop, prepare and use) that trust within ourselves. (Universe inside you, trust universe). Lack of self love… looking in the mirror and you don’t like what you see? You lose trust. You lose trust when you rely on what others think of you. Lose trust when you allow another go give you value. Anything that keeps you in separation – break programming of it. Separation is related to fear. Low self esteem = feeling that we don’t have anything to contribute to the world. Or to ourselves. So we lose value. We wait for the approval of others. Love yourself when you go to the place of your greatest power. Meditation, deep rest. Externalizing your power “someone else is the cause of my problems”. This will change when you take 100% responsibility for your actions. Your own emotion. Power is within you. You are the guru. I can’t do what others do and they can’t do what I do because we’re in a different time in space. Move out of competition with everyone around you. Take back power to not be afraid of delving into the shadowland. True confidence from within, not how big your house is or how beautiful your car is. Inner knowing. We live our lives based on other’s value systems. Internal process. Punishment and reward. We are programmed so punishment and reward are learned behaviors. Dare to trust yourself! Reprogramming subconscious mind. Have the wonder, happiness and joy of a child. We all have a different purpose, follow, honor and be true to it. Lifestyle – bad, low vibrational foods = panic attacks. Self worth, the source of our own happiness = good foods, vegan even. Stop comparing yourself to others. Be inspired by them, but don’t try to BE them. Share your journey. Do what you resonate with. The greatest enemy and friend lies within ourselves. Taking risks = secret to confidence. The secret of confidence = taking risks = confidence of trusting yourself. All about versatility (ability to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities). You’ve done it this way for a long time. Now try something new. Become dynamic in your behavious  (dynamic = of a process or system, characterized by constant change, activity or progress. Have confidence you’re living from the inside out. Keyword: Coherency = the quality of being logical and consistent… the quality of forming a unified whole. The power is within you. Take radical action. Allow yourself to FEEL emotions as they come. Don’t hide or deny what you’re feeling. Sit with yourself through these feelings. They will not stay forever. Balance. Strive for it. Positive and negative are both necessary (think batteries) But it’s ONE Source… of energy. Emotions is energy in motion. Whatever you hide is still a part of you. Expose yourself. Tell everything that’s bad about it yourself (flaws) so your enemy / opponent can’t use it against you. People are more inspired by your struggles than your perfections. Dark things in dictionaries are always negative. Light = pure / good. That is programming and causes depression. (There are no races, border, money – this stuff is in your mind, and attacks it if you allow it). Embrace your shadow side, the darkness. In our darkest moments, we become illuminated. In the dark times, you learned your greatest lesson ever. Love the darkness and the light. Be Balanced. Stop doubting yourself and the universe when feeling the depression. There will be dark, challenging and hard times. We need to learn not to run away from them. Don’t run away from problems. Face them. Don’t be delusional. Be honest to yourself and admit you’re going through a hard time right now. Accept things for what they actually are. Forget 24/7 positive person. It just won’t happen like that. You came here to be real, not perfect. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes. What you think of yourself is the only thing that matters, not other’s opinions of you. Fear paralyzes action. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear is separation. Suppress your thoughts and you increase your misery. Equilibrium. Overthinking? Move into radical action. Thinking? You’re not being PRESENT. Lack of self love is the root of suffering. True wisdom is the knowledge and information applied. A true wise being knows how much they don’t know. The greatest relationship you can have is with yourself.     __

Later if I can remember to, I’ll type out all the messages I got from listening to the Tony Robbins motivational speech.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Collages; I wish I could touch you and you know what I know now

I've been pretty depressed, so I got busy, keeping myself busy with something so the depression wouldn't be felt as terribly, and to keep my mind active through it; active on something else. I made two collages. I've got about 3-4 more posterboards I can use to do more. And I'm still cutting out of magazines now. I'll post the pictures. I hope you all will like them. It's mostly words, but a few pictures that mean something to me. I wish I could touch you all, and you would then know what I know now. I don't feel like typing it all out right now, but I watched quite a few of my Spirit Life Coach's videos on YouTube today. I took sooo many notes! I also listened to a motivational speech by Tony Robbins. I took notes on that. It helped me and my mom. :)

I have a small goal to eventually type it all out, the notes I mean. Such powerful stuff. Many synchronicities all day today,  I was very excited. I'm so thankful when I receive them, because I then know that I'm in alignment with my true purpose. However, I wish the signs were easier to recognize. Some of them anyway.

So anyway, here's my collages. I'll be making more soon.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

2019

So I tried for 9 days from just before christmas to new years to try to make arrangements with an acquaintance to give her and her daughter a christmas present. some texts didnt get answered til days later, and some had excuses and the last one, this past saturday....no response. so i gave up, and dropped the presents on her door step this past wednesday. still havent heard from her. Then today, I had a meeting with a client who is one of her good friends, and he mentioned in passing how he was over their house for new years eve and heard from her that morning. so she is fine...its obviously me. i know i need to move on, ive told myself that for years, but then once in a blue moon she reaches out for something (not really to hang out but to ask a question) and i stupidly want to hold on.   the friendship as been over for years. just like every lost friendship ive had...i tend to not want to let go.    so heres to 2019....hoping for less heartache...sadness...and loneliness and. for more strength to come to terms with it all

allalone6

allalone6

 

The Ragamuffin Gospel

I did not write this--but I completely agree with it. Thanks to @gandolfication for bringing it to light! A Word Before The Ragamuffin Gospel was written with a specific reading audience in mind. This book is not for the super-spiritual. It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne, and not Jesus, their hero. It is not for academics who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis. It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christianity into a naked appeal to emotion. It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion. It is not for Alleluia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation. It is not for the fearless and tearless. It is not for red-hot zealots who boast with the rich young ruler of the Gospels, “All these commandments I have kept from my youth.” It is not for the complacent who hoist over their shoulders a tote bag of honors, diplomas, and good works, actually believing they have it made. It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus. If anyone is still reading along, The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out. It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other. It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don’t have it all together and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace. It is for inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker. It is for poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents. It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay. It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God. It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags. The Ragamuffin Gospel is a book I wrote for myself and anyone who has grown weary and discouraged along the Way. —Brennan Manning

JD4010

JD4010

 

The Anxiety Treadmill.....

Anxiety is back..... I love my mind (read with heavy sarcasm)....   I love how it takes one little mistake and blows it up to Atlantean proportions. (no I haven't see Aquaman, I just thought it sounded good to say it that way) What should be a small little fire burning in the hearth is now blowing half of Mt. St. Helen's off the face of the earth. Apparently I made a mistake at work last week.    I never even realized I made the mistake until my boss pointed it out Monday. Then we went on New Year's holiday. (small yay that I work in a place that allows that) So I haven't been able to resolve the mistake, and due to circumstances, I may not be able to do anything about it until tomorrow.  I barely slept last night. I think if it wasn't for my anti-anxiety (I'm on Atarax), I would be having near-biblical proportion panic attacks almost 24/7.  The last time I spent the weekend having near panic attacks was about November of 2016, and it was due to work events then, too.  Back in 2016, I finally had a big one before work that Monday morning, and it honestly felt like a heart attack. We were on the way in to the hospital in the next town (I don't like the one in our town) early that morning when the symptoms started to abate. That's when I realized it was panic and not a heart attack. This morning, I feel pretty sick from lack of sleep. My body cannot seem to handle lack of sleep anymore. As I type this, I'm having trouble breathing, my chest feels heavy, I feel weak - I'm waiting for the Atarax to kick in. When it kicks in, it dulls the anxiety down a couple of notches. So I go from a four out of five to a two out of five.  The anxiety is still there, but it is at a more 'realistic' and manageable level.  I really hope I start feeling better once it kicks in, because it is just me and the part-timer today. (my boss and co-worker are off for other reasons today.)  So I cannot take off work and take care of myself.  I never can.  I rarely even consider it anymore.  Usually when I need to take off it ends up being during times when I have no choice but to be there anyway.  I have been repeating to myself 'this is not the only thing in the world'.  Because right now, it's literally the only thing my mind can seem to focus on. And that mantra - 'this is not the only thing in the world' - seems to be helping me much more than what I was trying last night, which was 'I don't really have to work'.  Yeah, right, I didn't believe that either.  Until hubby is old enough to retire, I'm the primary income. No work, no food, no heat, no internet.... I'm stopping there before I trigger myself again.  All this panic and anxiety because I made a mistake.  Ironically enough, I made the mistake because it was just me in charge last week, boss was on vacay (again) and I knew I would have to handle it.  So I panicked, and when I panic, I feel like I have to take action. Right then.  I don't freeze up with anxiety. Instead, I feel like someone will die if I don't act or speak immediately.  I'm getting better about catching it, recognizing it, but I missed it last week.  So it sort of became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Ironically enough.   
 

Fare thee well

After electrocuting me half to death on New Year's Day, my husbands best friend came over. I imagined he was here to make amends but alas the subject never came up. Probably for the best, really.  Instead he invited us onto his yacht for the day. Alex and the children had already made arrangements to go ice skating and I only saw two problems with that: it is the middle of gorgeous summer and I have broken enough bones. So I'm not brimming with curiosity to know what falling face first onto an ice rink would be like.  I was therefore free and said I would love to. He said they were going to be sailing in a race so I then said best I don't go.  He asked why not. I said because it seemed like to much hard work doing boaty things and I couldn't be counted in doing anything in the nick of time, which seems like there is a lot of in a boat race.  He said I needn't worry because there are buttons for everything. That was more or less a giant lie.  I said, great, I'll go if I can sit at one end like a mermaid and offer occasional words of polite encouragement, I also offered to sledge other competitors or maybe get my top off or whatever to lull them onto a reef or whatever and he said that wouldn't be necessary. Actually, he might have made me promise not to do any of that but, perhaps unfortunately, he has known me for a long time.  It was more fun than I imagined. It was also affluent people getting the ruler out but one can't be too critical when one is married to one. Oh well.  He asked me later if I enjoyed the day and of course I did. I also said this sailing lark makes a fine metaphor. I said for 'life'. I meant 'mental disease and emotional turmoil' but thought better of lowering the tone. And it does. Looking for wind, tacking to find it, putting the big, balloony thing out to make the most of it, etc, etc It's all like life.  He said two things. Firstly, it's called a spinnaker and the rest is all fine, but if you want to get serious, then people just need to change the boat.  I warned him to not encourage my beloved to think like that. He laughed and said I had homework if I was at all worried about that. I think it's time to change a boat or two myself though. Like this one and all the other one's bobbing around, like corks, on the sea of self-reflection. I think not only have I had enough of that, it's usefulness does not feel as tangible as it once did. Therapy is down to three-monthly catch-ups so I ain't the only one seeing this. That's encouraging. So...have yourselves a ripper 2019. I won't be here and not even once. Will see what 2020 brings. Never say never      

Gisele

Gisele

 

For Smiles, My Dog

This is my doggie daughter. Her name is Baby. But she likes to be called "BoBo" in front of the cats. I hope this picture of my doggie daughter brings many smiles to many faces this New Year. I love you guys.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Medication; Celebrating New Year; Scar; Numbers; Scary Video; Incense; Changes; Confidence

I'm feeling much better right now. I'm surprised but assume it's only because of a medication I'm on now. I've also been taking the Cymbalta that was changed from Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is good, but it doesn't take away as much depression as Cymbalta. However, if I would have stayed with it and quit buying cigs, I would have been able to quit smoking. I know it. But I just didn't have the willpower. I know I can still quit. I don't have to have a medication to quit. I just need to be ready to give them up. If I'm not ready, and willing to quit buying them, it won't do any good. Just my thought on that. It's a new year. It just seems like yesterday that my niece was over and we were celebrating the new year of 2018. But now it's 2019. Wow! Mom, my dog and I celebrated 2019 last night. This is the first year since I was 15 that either my niece or nephew was not over to celebrate with us. Mom and I had a tiny bit of red wine, and I gave my dog a couple of licks of it, though I know it's not really good for her, but just that little bit I don't guess will hurt. Maybe I should have given her milk or sometimes she likes to have a bit of our Pepsi. My dog will be 10 years old in June! I just noticed a scar on my left hand. I guess the way the light is coming in the window made me to be able to see it. Maybe it was from when I burned myself. It must be, it's a circle. I had forgot about that one. I have so many scars from the past. But I'm glad they are the past. Mental turmoil causes bad scars for me, when I act upon the impulse. But I cannot and will not do it again. That last time WAS exactly that. The last time. Seeing my numbers again. YAY! I just saw 1:11. I see lots of numbers, usually and am glad to see them again. For a couple of days I didn't see them, and got more depressed... I need to see them for confirmation and reassurance. And The Universe always pulls through for me. I saw a video recently that I'm glad I saw. It was not something I can really talk about on here, because it was so graphic. But just to say, it's something I will no do to myself. I thought about it before, but I'm glad I saw the video to prove to myself that I'm better than I thought I was, and that doing that does not represent courage, but cowardice. I'm not a fan of blood, and just to say this: What I saw, I'm better than that. I will never try to do that again. I came close, but no. I will never even come close again. That's not me. I'm burning Egyptian Musk incense. My favorite of all. I bought it at 100 sticks for $5.00 online. I also bought China Musk, Patchouli and Opium (the incense is called Opium, it's not a drug). It was at buy 3 get one free. I couldn't pass it up, at $5.00 per 100 sticks! It smells heavenly. I like to mix them sometimes; I even have Sage, Apple Cinnamon, Lavender, Vanilla and others. I mix only the ones that smell similar. But Sage I can mix with a lot of them. Sage, to me, keeps the negative away. Okay, this New Year, I will be making changes in my life. Good changes. I've already started with losing 50 pounds last year. By the way, a note to myself, I have the Mind over Matter exercise and diet journal for 2019. I need to begin today filling it out. I don't want it to go to waste. It was $15.00!! I hope everyone is having a great New Year! Stay positive, hold your head up, throw your shoulders back, walk with confidence. Don't let others get to you. Don't let others bring you down. Be humbly confident! Always remember that though things could be better, they can always be worse. Live PRESENT. Don't let past regrets plague your mind, and do not worry about the future. The future can only be changed by what we do in the NOW, the PRESENT time. Make good choices. If you know it's bad for you, it's best not to do it. Remember you are loved, needed, and wanted. If not by anyone else, than by me, myself. Since I've been here, I've been so welcomed, cared about and liked more than any other forum I've been on. You all are worth a million dollars more than you think. A trillion! I love all of you. When depression or self-sabotaging thoughts come to you, remember that there is someone out there who thinks the world of you. If not by anyone else, than by me, myself. I love you guys. Have a wonderful New Year!

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

NYE Phish Concert ~ Amazing!!

WOW - those concerts were off the hook crazy insane. We had such an incredible time in NYC! Phish was at their best. The second night, NYE, they had acrobats on stage then at midnight thousands of balloons fell from the ceiling into the crowd. I haven’t seen them play this well in a long time - years! They jammed hard core. We danced all night ‘til our feet hurt.  It was a blast.  Now we’re driving home. The let down after NYE. But I’m on such a natural high from this experience that I can’t stop smiling. What a fantastic time!!! Now it’s home to the kitties who probably ruined the Christmas tree while we’ve been away, lol.  Here’s us pre-show and at the concert. Those are all the balloons! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

Investing In Yourself

Investing In Yourself    Life can become extremely hard but we got to get up everyday trying to invest   In ourselves.  Even if it means having  to learn new ways of surviving.  We owe it to ourselves to try to live the best life  we can under the new circumstances  that life sometimes presents to us. This is the last day of 2018 and I wish  everyone nothing but the best as we  approach the year of 2019 Tomorrow.

Floor2017

Floor2017

 

December 31

Happy New Year's Eve everybody!    This is the day to look back and reflect how succesful this year was. What did you learn and what did you experience in 2018?  Mine was hard. Probably the hardest year this far. Despite all struggle, lots of good things happened as well. Let's have a look at my illness first and then all the good stuff.  Those of you that don't know, let me remind you I suffer from bipolar disorder, also known as manic depressive.  I suffered from a mixed episode from January to June. That was horrible and it consumed all my strenght. Having everything at the same time - depression, mania and anxiety is just horrible. It led to crushing and severe depression. I spent a week in a hospital until it turned into mania. Mania lasted about three weeks until I crushed again. I tried to return back to work part-time but I lasted only few weeks before I was hospitalized again. I spent six weeks in hospital where ECT was started. It helped me big time and I returned to home before Christmas.  In total 2018 included one mixed episode, one mania, two severe depression, two long sick leaves and two periods at psych ward.  What about all the good stuff? 2018 was also about good stuff. In January I travelled to London with a friend. That was a great trip. In June I was surprised by my husband. He took me to United States. We visited Las Vegas, New York and Washington DC. That was an amazing surprise. In September I travelled to Western Finland with a friend. We went to hiking in a National Park. That was cool. Also in September I made a trip to Estonia with a friend and kids. That was nice. 2018 also included many other smaller trips with the kids.  Despite of all the trips made and my illness giving me hard time, 2018 was all about learning and growing. 2018 taught me a lot about my illness. I became better terms and acceptance with it. I finally shared my secrets with family and friends. I am not ashamed of my illness anymore. It's part of me and sometimes it gives me hard time. Then I have to focus on getting better and trusting my family to live their everyday life normally.    How was your 2018?  

nhaar

nhaar

 

The Last Night of the 2018 World!; Sleep; Source Energy; Mysteries of Sight and Sound

It's almost 2019 world! It feels strange to type it, see it and write it because it seems too futuristic. I was depressed earlier and it lingers a little now. I know if I sleep tonight, I'll feel better. But I don't want to sleep now. It's 1am and I don't want to sleep. I feel like I have things to do.

The Source Energy - I found out things today. How would we know infinity if we had nothing to compare it to? How could we know good unless we knew evil? We created 'God' to control one another. "If you do this.. God will punish you!". This what I know now. If you read this and don't agree, forgive me if I offend you. 'Jesus' didn't come here to start a religion, yet his 'followers' have began one. Too many people killed in the name of 'God'.

HEY! I got something for you to do.

On your eye, the upper lid, in the corner near your nose... push in on it with your eyes closed. You should see a black circle at the lower right hand side.... move your eye to see the black dot move.

Okay... you see it?

How are we seeing that if our actual eye(s) that we see from, aren't looking at it?

What pair of eyes see it? Just like, when a song is going through your head constantly,
how are you hearing it without actually hearing it with your physical ears? What pair of ears hear it?    

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Laundry; Writing; Daily Routines; Diet; Brother; Money; Guidance; Springtime

I've been helping mom a lot with laundry lately. I enjoy getting to help. Because a lot of the time, my body hurts and I have to take meds and take it easy and don't get to do what I'd like to get done.
I'll be putting in more today. We need towels done. I woke up today with the Memoir and/or Autobiography on my mind. It more that I just want to tell what I've learned and the stories that go with them. So maybe that's just a regular book?? I'm not sure so I'll keep researching. I'm used to writing poetry only, or short stories, so this is something new. It's exciting though. Still, I have not got a daily routine, and I think that's why my day goes haywire sometimes. I guess it would also with a routine as it did when I used to go to school and even when I went to home school, I had a routine of getting up, getting dressed, feeding the dog, getting myself food and drink, watching tv shows, getting on my homework before mom got home from work, getting ready for my nephew to come over, etc. Sometimes he'd stay the night and I'd care for him and put my things aside. I think that's when my routine was interrupted. I have been sporadic with my days ever since. But I don't blame my nephew. It wasn't his fault. He was a great kid. He's very smart and of course still learning even today. He's 19 now. I remember when he was just a little one. Wow the days go by so fast as you get older. I've still been trying to eat better. Occasionally I have pizza or like this holiday season I've been having turkey and ham, but I like turkey more. I like to dip it in ketchup. My brother made a great Christmas dinner. He's such a great cook. He works a lot and I hope he gets more breaks than he has been getting. Due to circumstances at his house, he does all the cleaning and cooking. All the laundry, dishes (but he's got a dishwasher, we don't), and other cleaning. Once a long time ago, I went to his house to clean for $5. I ended up accidentally putting his pots and pans in different places than he was used to and he called me later saying "where'd you put this??". I didn't mean to. I just though it'd give him more room. I'm glad he wasn't very upset with me about that. Our money is running low, so I've been having to change brands of everything. I'm buying cheaper pop, which I shouldn't be drinking anyway. I've got juices too, but soon I'll have to drink cheaper of those too. It isn't so bad. I like the store-brand stuff. The only problem is that my fruits are a little expensive. Eating healthy is always expensive. Eating sloppier is inexpensive. I guess that's why a lot of people are unhealthy - not a lot of people have the money to eat healthy! It's ridiculous that it is that way. Only the rich can be healthy...? Hmm. I don't like that.

I haven't been seeing my guiding numbers or words lately. I'm concerned. Maybe the angels have forgotten me? Maybe they think I can do good on my own??? No!!! I need them. I need that reassurance that I'm not alone. I'm always alone except mom and my dog anyway. I know I have my brother, niece and nephew. But they are living their own lives and I understand. If I had a life other than what I have, though, I feel that it'd be more fulfilling. I look forward to the Springtime. I look forward to opening the windows and letting fresh air in. To going out in nature. To sitting under our dogwood. To breathing in fresh air. Cold weather I used to like. But now I like Spring and Fall.

Okay I guess that's all for now. If I need to get more out of my head I'll write again later. Thank you for reading. 🙂

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Missing Her...Again

Well truthfully, I never stop missing her. I'd love to know how many times/day thoughts of her enter my mind. They never stop. Something always comes along to remind me of her...mention of Los Angeles, a raven haired woman standing in line somewhere...all kinds of things. And then the memories come flooding back, followed quickly by massive regret. As usual, I messed up badly and lost her. Same as it ever was. Ruby from Supernatural reminds me so much of her. It's bittersweet to gaze upon Ruby's beauty.  

JD4010

JD4010

 

A New Year ~ Reflections & New Goals

I LOVE the new year. It's a time to refresh oneself, to reflect back on all that happened last year, and to gear up for new adventures and new goals.  Last year was very good to me... it was a landslide of blessings. I met my now fiance, I moved out of my parents' home into a beautiful apartment with him, we have shared a very fun and adventurous life together so far, I got a new full-time job with a huge raise in salary, and then we got engaged. And this next year? Well, we have our wedding coming up in May and a fabulous honeymoon/vacation to look forward to. I am really looking forward to a REAL vacation and need it BADLY. When we return, I want to focus on my career goals and next steps. I want to leave my job after I've been there at least a year which will be June. I am not wholly satisfied with the work I do and I want to switch directions. I am good at what I do, but I am also not so good at it in some ways. And the things I don't understand which are very challenging for me make me question my career path. I would love to get into editorial work in my field, however, I am going to TRY and put this on the back burner until after the wedding.   And NYE! We're headed to NYC for the new year celebration. I cannot wait to get out of town--I haven't been to NYC in about 15 years??? WOW. SO long. It's going to a blast. We're seeing a favorite band of ours for two nights with a ton of friends. And I have two more days off from work, Monday and Tuesday. YAY!  But then Wed it's back to the grind. I won't think about it over new years while I'm having fun, but I think I need to try and change my attitude about work. I suffer quite a bit over it and it really does feel like a grind. I don't enjoy it very much, even though there are so many positives to embrace about my job right now. Every day I have to remind myself of them as I head into the office, but I miss the luxury of working from home, which I did for ten years before this job. I just miss it. I miss my freedom. And I miss the solitude, to be honest. Yet, there are downsides to working alone at home and the upside of working in an office again is the collaboration and all the support I receive. There are pluses and minuses to everything, I suppose. I just wish I could capitalize more on my strengths in my work, and not to have to deal with where I am weakest -- which is the technical aspect. A colleague trained me on Friday on a technical tool we are supposed to use, and I was SO lost, even in the jargon and technical concepts he used. I didn't follow it at all, but pretended like I did, nodding my head in agreement. Ha. Fake it 'til you make it! But I need a role that emphasizes editing, creativity and strategy. That's where I excel. Thankfully, however, I have gotten by all these years in my field without knowing much of the technical aspects and I have succeeded. And I am succeeding so far in my job now. I even won a recognition award recently and have been asked to mentor junior staff members in a certain aspect of what we do. So that's nice. Even though I feel a lot of the times like I don't know what I am doing, I must be doing something right.  Anyways, this entry has now turned into all about work, but I suppose it's always in the back of my mind -- what am I to do? What can I do next and how can I obtain what I really want without losing salary? BIG questions.  So this next year, I am pretty much at a crossroads in my career. That's going to be my next goal.  Figure out what to do next and how to get there. Oh yeah, and lose weight so I can be at the beach in May looking sexy and fabulous! LOL.  So, on that note, a very happy new year to everyone! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

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