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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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    • 3,642 views
 

January 11

Things haven't improved for me during the last couple of days. I spend most of my day in bed. I get up in the morning and go back to bed as soon as the kids have left for school. I stay in bed all day except when I get up to make dinner.  The weather has been amazing but I don't go out. Kids have been asking me to take them skating or skiing but I have no energy. It's so pretty outside and I love winter and snow but I am missing all winter fun. Maybe I feel better next month.  My doctor called me today. I met my therapy contact yesterday and she asked the doctor to call me. The doctor wasn't willing to make any changes to my medication but we talked about ECT. We decided to continue ect. I am very happy with that because it really did help me, it just ended too soon. I am hopeful now that things will get better for me and this year will be succesful for me in many ways.   

nhaar

nhaar

 

Old Friend; Exercise; Eye Exam; Feelings

I was talking to a friend I had been with as a girlfriend for a little while... we broke it up after a week, but I'm very nervous to talk to her, but she seems to be doing very well, and I'm glad, very very happy for her. She is smiling in her pictures, and with a new guy, and I am sincerely so happy for her. She needed someone decent for her. I walked 10 minutes today. I'm getting back into exercise. I wish I could stick with it. Everyday. My eyes need checked. I have trouble to see my closed captions on t.v. Hmm. Kinda depressed but kinda excited, also kinda dopey today. I feel a million feelings at once. I felt joy earlier and it lasted longer than the usual 2 seconds. I want to get it back and keep it forever.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Misha-ing.....

I guess I don't understand the potentially negative nature of obsession very well.  I feel like I am sometimes 'inordinately preoccupied' with Misha Collins, and sometimes Karl Urban.  But mostly Misha.  When I am overly preoccupied with him, it is generally because I have 'trained' my anxiety to focus on something relatively harmless in comparison to what it wants to obsess over - my mistakes, ad nauseum & quia in aeturnum, amen.  😑 (that last is latin for 'for forever').  I suppose for some people, there is great difficulty in focusing on anything that is not their 'Misha', and for some, that can be a profoundly negative experience. I just know that thinking about Misha or Karl is vastly and inestimably preferable to having all my 'manifold sins and wickedness' (read mistakes) play on eternal repeat in my head. Do you like how I've swallowed a thesaurus here?  I must be somewhat more discomfited than I thought, because that's what happens when I get flustered, LOL.  The words get longer.  On the page it's somewhat artificial, but not by much.  On the page I have time to think, but I still pretty much write whatever comes into my head at the time. Sort of modified stream of consciousness writing.  (stream of consciousness, ie James Joyce' Ulysses, a headache I have yet to tackle).  And funnily enough, I have yet to get back to watching Supernatural.  I am far too connected to Castiel to watch someone else play around with his life. (read: have the writers torture me).  I haven't watched since before Christmas. I don't understand how I can do that.  Obsess over an actor but not watch the show he's primarily known for and my favorite character.  I don't even want to meet him, TBH. Interacting with people IRL is one of my phobias - actual phobia.  As in, avoiding unnecessary interactions interferes with my life.  I don't socialize outside of my family. Period.  I work in a library, which I feel is as quiet as you can get in a 'service industry' job.  I would far prefer a factory job, but those are not available right now, and I cannot jeopardize my job.  It taxes me to a degree I cannot explain to have to 'people' every day.  Like that Castiel meme where he is talking about how whatever he's about to do will apparently require 'interacting with people' and his 'people skills are a little rusty'.  I avoid grocery store trips whenever possible, and generally even then do not get out without taking Hubby with me at least 80% of the time.  It's called 'anthropophobia' and the medical definition is a 'pathological fear of people or human companionship'.  I am convinced that being forced to interact relatively deeply with co-workers that I would not choose to interact with ordinarily on a daily basis exacerbates my tendency to feel disconnected from myself, my emotions, and my family.  It is not something that 'gets easier' with exposure.  Interacting with patrons does not bother me nearly as much, because there are certain 'rules' that govern those interactions.  When patrons do not act in a way that is consistent with those 'rules', I am prone to anxiety attacks.  We have a semi-regular visitor who I believe is possibly schizoid, and his behavior is generally somewhat erratic, though never violent (so far).  I generally end up having a low level anxiety attack when he comes in, because his behavior does not conform to the typical 'rules' that govern patron-employee interactions. I also find myself profoundly at sea and profoundly confused about what to do or when to step in when he interacts with other patrons. So actually meeting Misha Collins would be more along the lines of a 'waking nightmare' than a 'dream come true'.  But that would be true even of my favorite authors. Even meeting some of you DFers intimidates me.   It takes a relative sh*t-ton of courage for me to even reach out via email to one of you. Skyping visually is utterly out of the question still, but I am getting used to regular text-like interactions with some staff members I work with.  I still cannot even think about chat either, because the 'real time' interaction level is waaay too much like face to face convos.  And you guys are by and large unfailingly encouraging, so I know it's not you - it's my phobia, utterly and completely.  Interacting online or via text feels more 'real' to me than face to face interactions.  I guess that should be no surprise, considering that I generally feel so 'disconnected' during those interactions.  I really need to get into therapy for it, though.  Not to get rid of it necessarily, but to help me find ways to cope.  That sense of disconnect is so profound and so consistent through my entire life that I feel like it is more an expression of my personality than a type of faulty coping mechanism, does that make sense?  There isn't any 'traumatic event' to 'cause' this - this sense of disconnect goes back to before I have conscious memories, and is reflected in what my parents have recounted to me of my behavior. Wow, apparently this is a 'thing' for me - didn't realize I natter on and on about it, LOL.  Here's Misha.....                                  
 

First Day, Sort Of.....

I started this blog on my first day of implementing my new year's resolution via The Mighty's 52 Small Steps program. I just realized I need some sort of concrete measuring point - something I can point to and say 'this proves I was successful', or an overall goal that everything works towards.  So I've decided that my overall goal is to lose weight and improve the shape I'm in.  I won't use numbers here, but it is easily in the mid double digits.  I'm not sure how to measure the 'improve the shape I'm in' part.  Maybe signing up for a marathon or something next year, like the OKC Memorial Marathon in April next year. I don't think I'll be jogging it, but I'd like to be able to at least walk it without hip pain after the first mile and quarter. I've decided that for my 'walk three times a week, I'll be walking Sunday, Wednesday, & Friday.  Having specific days helps me stick to it.  Hopefully later this evening I will be editing this post to add that I went on my walk after work.   Edit 1/10 to add:  Yes, I did go walking yesterday evening after work - I stayed out for 20 minutes and went just over 1.1 miles. 👏  ✨  😉
 

Keeping on moving

I know the following post makes no coherent sense, but that's really where my mind is right now. A million thoughts swimming around my head, battling with each other and screaming to be the thought that's heard. It's a mess, and so am I. Fighting the fight isn't always glorious. Most frequently, it's not, and it feels like losing every step of the way until you look back on it when it's done. Whilst that's the way things feel right now, I guess that's the same story as my life. Lots of battling and feeling like you're losing, and then you realise that you've done everything you set out to do and much, much more. This is what winning feels like, this is what victory feels like, this is what I made all of the sacrifices for... and I feel like this.   It's really tempting to give up, and I am heavily impaired by these thoughts and this illness, but I'm not going to cry in defeat. If I weep, it'll be with my feet dragging me forwards.   There is a better day coming, there is everything I've been fighting for and it's just around the corner, and I'm going to get there, and I'm not going to waste it. The definition of insanity may be repeating the same task over and over again and expecting a different result, but **** the world, perseverance is most of what I have to offer and I'll spend every last bit of it.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

A Big Sleep; Universe Enlightens me; Siddhartha; Books; Dreams and Memory

I slept all day yesterday! Missed everything. Even missed getting a package, so we had to go to the ups store and get it. I got a book. I was collecting books by this author this month. I feel like the Universe is making up for lost time with me. I turned on my xbox to watch youtube. Watching vids by Edge of Wonder. They were talking about Prophecy and Messiah. Then the next video that came on was about Enlightenment. I was like... wow! They even mentioned Siddhartha... a book I actually got several months ago... er, last year sometime rather, and it's about Buddha, I believe. I got out the book again because I've not read it, but I was looking for another book that was like The Alchemist. So that might be my next story to read. I like to read a STORY book and read another book similar to it at the same time... so the new book I got today would be perfect because it talks about choosing a path in life and what to expect on a more magical path. Enlightening path. Ya know?

I had some pretty weird dreams last night and yesterday. None I can remember enough to put into words though. I hate when it's like that, because I have great dreams to talk about, just my memory isn't good enough on the details. I got some Ginko Biloba. Maybe I should take it for a while and see if that don't improve. 🙂

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Not Sure What to Say....

....Which means I should probably not say anything until I get my thoughts together, huh?  I'm trying to get used to the idea of expressing my thoughts and feelings, and even having feelings if that doesn't sound crazy enough. I feel like I spend most of my day stuffing things.  Like the song in Frozen, 'conceal, don't feel'.....  I think I might have missed taking my meds this morning... I can't remember for sure.  I think I need to break down and get one of those daily pill things.  This tends to happen more often when I'm stressed and need the meds the most. Hopefully I can keep it together this morning and keep my mouth shut.  Anxiety makes me talkative and assertive, so I really have to work overtime to make sure I"m not speaking out of turn.  Here's Misha. I love his craziness, mainly because I could never in a million years feel comfortable enough to be that unapologetically odd. It's something to aspire to.   
 

Day one

Things aren't easy right now. This illness hits like a freight train sometimes. I've got very dark thoughts rushing through my head. I've thought about ending myself a few hundred times today, and I instinctively want to be away from people because I don't want them to see how pathetic I am, and my life is.   It's an illness. Thoughts that aren't backed up by anything, but they're fed to me by my brain, which I need to be able to trust, and I cannot. Then I guess I cannot, and I'll need to find a way to work around that.   Today I woke up, worked out, did my book work, pulled around a twelve hour day at work, spent a couple of hours hanging out with a woman who's starting to mean a fair bit to me. It's a good day I guess. The work out was good too;  for some reason my numbers have gone up despite not having worked out in months... maybe I'm just more emotional now, and that's helping? I don't know, you've got to take the small victories I guess.   I've got a migraine too, and have had for the past many hours. There's this torrential downpour of horrible thoughts I'm trying to keep at bay, and my head is aching as a result.     So I'm losing right now, that's fine, that's part of it. Minimise the damage, and push through, wait until things swing in the other direction and keep building every little positive element of my life that I can to help bring more positive things in. I'll lose if I have to, for as long as I have to, and I'll use that suffering as a driving force to keep me going.   Come at me.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Resonance...........

Some songs do more than resonate.... Some songs reflect such a deep, perhaps previously unrealized part of yourself that you simultaneously want to hug fiercely the person who wrote it and beat them upside the head for putting a recorder in your brain to record your thoughts..... Oh, no one else thinks that?  Oh, well.                         Anyway, some songs are just fundamentally 'us' in some way or another.  Here are a few of mine, in no particular order..... [and yes, I will wax spiritual at a couple of points, so forewarned.....]   Carnival by Natalie Merchant                 https://youtu.be/o9ZHuvBcVJg There is not one line in this song that I do not deeply identify with...... Even the feel of the song - like someone walking through life more as an observer than a participant.... Very much entranced and enchanted by what they see, but somehow apart from it......   Lonely Road of Faith by Kid Rock                    https://youtu.be/rSgTAJiWXvs This song reflects very much my relationship with my husband, and my feelings for him. He is so much of who I am that I couldn't put together a list like this without mentioning him. I love it because it also reflects a lot of things I've learned over the years....  In many ways, faith is a lonely road, because it is one only we can walk for ourselves...   Dust in the Wind by Kansas                           https://youtu.be/tH2w6Oxx0kQ This song brings me so much peace inside, I just cannot explain it.  I just can't.  You'd think it would be depressing.... Whenever I listen to it I can just feel myself relax inside......        It just reflects a very deep part of me, I guess......    If I Ever Lose My Faith In You by Sting               https://youtu.be/7km4EHgkQiw This one is my spiritual beliefs pretty much summed up in one song. For me, this is a deeply spiritual song about/for Christ.  Which has got to be the epitome of irony, because Sting is an avowed and unapologetic atheist - I am quite sure Christ was the last thing on his mind when he wrote it. Nonetheless, if I had to sum up my spiritual beliefs in a song, this would be it....... 'I could be lost inside their lies.... without a trace.... but every time I close my eyes..... I see your face'   (you being Christ)                              
 

Turning it around

I lost the fire in my heart many months ago. I've been trying to get it back, to psych myself up and find the drive to keep on going and get to a better day. I thought I had found some place of relative strength, and I became complacent. I've got a million reasons why I'm too weak right now to take this fight. It doesn't matter, life isn't that empathetic. We go back to basics, we take simple wins and build on them. Rise in the am. Do your book work, workout, build on and maintain relationships. Let every step be as hard as it needs to be, but let every step taken be a direct attack upon my illness, and another victory. Let's take this fight.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Introductions....

I'm working with something I found on The Mighty (mental health support website)  called '52 Small Steps'.  It's a more manageable version of a New Year's resolution. Basically you pick a general area - for me that is getting healthier - and plan out small steps you can do each week towards that goal.  It helps turn One Big Scary Thing into 52 smaller, I Can Do That things.  My resolution is related to physical health - which changes I know will help improve my mental health.                      'Improve physical health by getting in shape and eating less and healthier.' Sounds pretty vague, huh?  Exacto, my compadre.  It's big and vague and nebulous, and the nebulousity (it's a word now)  is intimidating in its size and vagueness. So I'm breaking that down into 52 (well, actually I'm working on 50, because I've already procrastinated a week away) steps.  I'll put them here, both for my sake, and just in case there is one other person in the universe out there who might accidentally be inspired or some sh*t.  My doc has already told me that I should be walking a mile a day - this was in response to my informing him of my not so successful attempts at interval jogging.  Don't be impressed - being the good little procrastinator that I am, this convo with doc took place well before Thanksgiving.  Hey, I got there, all right?  Focus on the positive, people, work with me here! 😉 So here is my run down so far - likely it will be adjusted as time goes on.  I still have to finish out the 'healthier eating part'.  A.  Make walking a habit 6 days a week.  Once established, 5 days will be acceptable, given weather or health concerns.   At least 1 mile and 20 minutes.  Current paths are 1.1-1.2 miles & take 20-23 minutes. Over is preferable to under.  [est. 4 months] Week 1: walk 3 days this week Week 2:  walk 3 days this week Week 3:  walk 3 days this week Week 4: [1mo]  walk 4 days this week Week 5:   walk 4 days this week Week 6:  walk 4 days this week Week 7:  walk 4 days this week Week 8: [2 mos]  walk 5 days this week Week 9:  walk 5 days this week Week 10:  walk 5 days this week Week 11:  walk 5 days this week Week 12: [3 mos]  walk 6 days this week Week 13: walk 6 days this week Week 14:  walk 6 days this week Week 15:  walk 6 days this week Maintain walking 6 days a week for at least 1 mile and 20 minutes.  Gradually increase walking time to 30 minutes a day.  [est. 4 months] Week 16: [4 mos]  walk 6 days, for 23 minutes minimum Week 17:  walk 6 days, for 23 minutes minimum Week 18:  walk 6 days, for 23 minutes minimum Week 19:  walk 6 days, for 23 minutes minimum Week 20:  [5 mos]   walk 6 days, for 26 minutes minimum Week 21:  walk 6 days, for 26 minutes minimum Week 22:  walk 6 days, for 26 minutes minimum Week 23:  walk 6 days, for 26 minutes minimum Week 24: [6 mos]  walk 6 days, for 30 minutes minimum Week 25:   walk 6 days, for 30 minutes minimum Week 26:  walk 6 days, for 30 minutes minimum Week 27: walk 6 days, for 30 minutes minimum B.  Eating less and healthier.  Two meals a day, three snacks a day. Do not limit portions or foods yet. Use mints or mint gum to help limit snacks to three a day.  [est. 4 weeks] Week 28: [7 mos]  2 meals, 3 snacks Week 29:  2 meals, 3 snacks Week 30:  2 meals, 3 snacks Week 31:  2 meals, 3 snacks Week 32: [8 mos] 2 meals, 3 snacks; low fat dairy Week 33:  2 meals, 3 snacks;  low fat dairy Week 34:  2 meals, 3 snacks;  increase veggies Week 35:  2 meals, 3 snacks; increase veggies Week 36: [9 mos]  2 meals, 3 snacks; increase veggies Week 37:  2 meals, 3 snacks; increase fruits Week 38:  2 meals, 3 snacks; increase fruits Week 39:  2 meals, 3 snacks; reduce red or fatty meat Week 40:  [10 mos]  2 meals, 3 snacks; reduce red or fatty meat Week 41:  2 meals, 3 snacks; reduce red or fatty meat Week 42:  2 meals, 3 snacks Week 43:  2 meals, 3 snacks Week 44:  [11 mos]   2 meals, 3 snacks Week 45:  2 meals, 3 snacks Week 46:  2 meals, 3 snacks Week 47:  2 meals, 3 snacks                                    
 

SIGH.... My Mother is Intruding on Wedding Plans

UGH. My mother wants me to wear her garter belt for my non-traditional wedding???? We have no guests! She also today told me I should wear our family jewelry. I don't want to! I bought a gorgeous jewelry headpiece to wear, a turquoise and blue flowery type of headpiece, and I want the rest of my jewelry to be turquoise topaz to match. I saw a gorgeous earring and necklace set on Etsy today that I'd love to buy.  The bottom line is that my mother is upset she is not attending the wedding, and she wants to be involved somehow, but that involvement is now evolving into her being somewhat controlling about what I wear at my own wedding?! I am a bit annoyed, even though I am 100% compassionate towards her given her feelings. I, too, want to involve her, but I want to wear what I want, not what she wants!!!! It IS my wedding after all, right??? And it should be exactly how my fiance and I want it to be, not how others want it to be, right??? Isn't that my right here? Especially given that WE are paying for the whole thing ourselves???? I am a bit beside myself.  ARGH. Why does this have to be so difficult when it comes to family? 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Gratitude; Mantra; Confidence Vs. Arrogance

I am thankful for you guys. And this website. You guys have been a great encouragement to me, and this site has been a great resource. Coming here when I've been depressed has helped me tremendously. The caring hearts and kind words that live here are inspiring. I feel very thankful to have met you guys, and found this website.

Lately there have been certain words pop up in my life:

Courage
Confidence
Humility
Focus
Trust
Perspective
Responsibility
Fear Vs. Love
Action These words I will use during meditation. I will use Courage as my first Mantra. I'm learning a form of Yoga, but only by myself for now. When I feel more comfortable, I will search for others to do yoga with, or find a class.

But for now I will do on my own what I can. I have a new DVD called Mantra Girl, and it shows in the video how 4 ladies do kundalini yoga. Interesting!

What's the difference between Confidence and Arrogance? Confidence: You trust yourself, secure in abilities, prove to yourself. Confidence: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust. the state of feeling certain about the truth of something, a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. Arrogance: You gotta prove something to people, a lot of resistance, insecure in abilities. Arrogant: having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.   Just making notes. 🙂   What we must do: Lose our minds, and come to our senses.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Leave Ego at the Door

For the first time in many years I am mentoring junior staff at work. I was really flattered yesterday when my colleague asked if he could sit in on my training with the junior staff member so that he could also learn something from me. This colleague I think of as my equal, even though I am more senior to him in our job titles. And in some ways, he knows a LOT more than I do. We can all learn from each other and we all carry certain strengths.  They/the company really looks to me as though I am some sort of expert though in one particular area of my work. Funny thing is I've never considered myself an expert. I am continuously learning how to do things the right way, I am always experimenting and tweaking my strategies, and I don't feel as though I know what I am doing half the time, but I suppose I do or else I wouldn't be successful in my job right now. I don't give myself enough credit for what I DO know. I suppose I am super humble? That cannot be a bad thing. I believe that humility is a very positive quality to own -- I am naturally humble, but I also have trouble having full confidence in my abilities. But I know I am intelligent, I do figure out complex issues, I overcome most - if not all - stumbling blocks, and I achieve top rankings for my clients, so maybe it wouldn't hurt me to feel a bit more proud of my accomplishments and confident in my abilities. I guess I don't have a big ego -- I never have. And I cannot stand people who do  -- it's the bane of my existence -- egomaniacs. Many need to be taken down several pegs, down to reality about themselves. But me? I am pretty realistic. In my field there's SO much to know, and SO much to be learning AT ALL TIMES, that all ego must be put aside and humility embraced instead. It's a VAST field that requires a suite of skills and knowledge. It's a continuously shifting arena as well that requires constant learning. What worked yesterday no longer works today, so you have to adapt and learn new strategies at all times. So my field requires humility and a constant willingness to learn. I cannot imagine anyone being brazen enough to be egotistical in this field. And it's a highly technical field as well. Not all marketers are technical, like myself. I get by because I am intelligent enough and can figure it out as I go along, but technical is my weakest area and I am fully aware of that. So... therein lies the humility. I know my weaknesses. I also know my strengths, or I am learning more about my strengths, in my current role. They tell me I know "core SEO", whatever that means. I asked my boss what he meant by that because I had never heard that term before. He said it means that I know how to get Web pages to rank in Google based on keywords and keyword research. That is the essence of my field, I suppose, and our ultimate goal. And yes, I do achieve top rankings and ultimately, I bring in more revenue and leads for my clients, another top goal.  But I leave ego at the door because I know I need to learn SO much more in my work in order to truly be an expert. I am eight years into this field, but I cannot say that I am truly an expert. It's kind of analogous to being a very good skier, nearly expert level, without mastering the moguls yet. That's how I think of myself at work-- I am no mogul master, but I can get down the black diamond trails just fine.  Anyways, so I should have more confidence and feel good about my achievements, but I have NO ego when it comes to my work. And that's a good thing. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

January 5

By far 2019 has treated me just like the last year. It hasn't been an easy start for this new year. I've got lots of hope but not many expectations.  Today is a lot easier. I am able to write. I have been able to achieve quite many things actually. Small things maybe for someone else but for me going to a mall with the family is a huge deal. Or getting off the bed is really something.  I haven't been able to do anything lately. I sleep around the clock and won't get up. I just lie there. I am physically so exhausted that I can't stand or walk. Anxiety is killin me. My heart is hurting. It's bleeding.  I pop pills too much. I can't stand the reality. I want to sleep so I won't feel. I've taken pretty much all drugs I could find at home. It's getting out of hands again.  I met a nurse earlier this week. She thought that I should be back at the ward. I know that's the only safe place for me right now but I don't want to go back just yet. I can still manage somehow at home. I have to. I need to be at home for my husband and kids. Though I am no use here.  I have a doctor's appointment in three weeks but I am not sure if I can make it so long. I need something stronger for anxiety. I would probably use any drug wrong right now but I just can't deal with this. I'm afraid if I go to an emergency room they'll send me for a psychiatric evaluation and that's a ticket back to psych ward.  I am not living, I am barely surviving. 

nhaar

nhaar

 

2 latest collages

I made these two tonight. These are fun to make. Gets my mind off depression. It's better than sitting there staring at the wall, doing nothing.

I hope you guys like them :)  

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Fight Songs.....

Having to re-type this because somehow I erased it all..... LOL.  Anyway.... We all have our fight songs here.... I know we do.  I don't know each and every one of you personally, but I feel like it's a really safe guess to say that you all have a song(s) that help you renew your energy and your will to fight.... Here are a few of mine.....   Killing In the Name Of - Rage Against the Machine   -   This is a re-make done by Brass Against feat. Sophia Urista My favorite line - and you should try shouting this in the car or someplace where people won't look at you weirdly for randomly shouting things.... Trust me, it's cathartic.....  Because really, you should go your own way (unless that involves hurting yourself or others...) 'F*ck you, I won't do what you tell me...' https://youtu.be/bGV1xYJFAEI   Township Rebellion - Rage Against the Machine Favorite line - only one guess.... Again, try shouting this - because in a way, we are at war with the norm. The norm tells us we're not trying hard enough.  F**k that sh** - we fight harder than anyone else out there, period.  So shout it out, because it's true... 'Why stand on a silent platform / Fight the war, F**k the norm' https://youtu.be/2uSWn4WGOlA   Pull Me Under - Dream Theater This one may not be for everyone.  If you still frequently really sweat out the suicidal thoughts, this might not be true for you.  They don't often scare the f**k-all out of me anymore.  I'm not sure if that's good or not. This song reminds me that I've been down a tough road and come back alive - and not all of us do.   I think the song is actually about a warrior facing his last moments, and in a way, that is highly apropos... 'Pull me under / Pull me under / Pull me under / I'm not afraid' https://youtu.be/mipc-JxrhRk   Where's Your Head At - Basement Jaxx I love this song.  It makes me smile every. d*mn. time. without. fail. This is my song for myself, because I am - and always have been - a complete space cadet.  I love a couple lines in particular, but they may not be for everyone, especially if you are still struggling with suicidal thoughts.  For me, they help me keep my anxiety in perspective.  'Don't let the walls cave in on you / We can live on, live on without you' https://youtu.be/5rAOyh7YmEc   Anyway, there are other songs that inspire me, but they're not 'fight songs' - you know?  Maybe I'll share those later, because heaven knows everyone is beating down my door to read this, LOL.                                           
 

Bouyant.....

Bouyant as an adjective means 'light in spirit'.  And that describes me, today at least.  Hanging on to it while it's here, LOL.  💃  🙌   ✨      I could go into a whole explanation, but that wouldn't be ebullient.... LOL.  I swallowed a thesaurus.  🤣   The situation that was/is causing me anxiety is getting resolved and those higher up than me are telling me not to worry about it. So I won't.  Anyway, here is a little humor....                              I just want you to know I really love all my British friends here on DF.....  😍   😁   I do.... I love you guys.... I'm an Anglophile at heart, actually....     And Canadians are tougher than you think..... 
 

Notes taken from a Tony Robbins motivational speech

My Notes From a video called "The 3 Steps to a Breakthrough | Tony Robbins" Having courage is that while you are still afraid, you are still facing your fears. And fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. 1. The future as my mind tells me it is, is FEAR. 2. Ghosts are FEAR. 3. The Dark is FEAR. (Those are my fears. You may replace mine with yours, but every fear IS FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real). Get out of your comfort zone and do something that even you are astonished by. It’s not about being alone. Build something with someone with the same or similar vision. Loving being in an environment that people can support you, to help you become your greatest version. The body Is the subconscious mind. You have to pay attention to what you’re doing with your body, because that reveals the secrets of your mind and all our problems start within the mind, and manifests into our physical reality. We disobey our emotions which is the energy in motion (our inner guidance system.) Confidence = “to trust”. Do thinks that satisfy every cell in your body. Once you obey your true inner emotions, you form a greater coherency between the body, mind and heart. Once you are not in alignment with your emotions, with a true feeling, how can you be confident? How can you TRUST yourself? ((( My key words: intuition, focus, trust, confidence, courage, responsibility, humility, perspective. ))) Therefore, how can you trust anybody else? Professionals have practiced, yet are still learning. How do we learn? Through the bad times. Through rough, tough hard times. Through tests and challenges. Don’t rest on your laurels. You do something write, you say “I did it”… then you hear a voice “do it again” (Practice). We learn through repetition too. Highly confident people can always do it again, because it’s within them… Are you living from the inside out or outside in? Practicing everyday forms the muscle memory and it allows us to cultivate (aquire or develop, prepare and use) that trust within ourselves. (Universe inside you, trust universe). Lack of self love… looking in the mirror and you don’t like what you see? You lose trust. You lose trust when you rely on what others think of you. Lose trust when you allow another go give you value. Anything that keeps you in separation – break programming of it. Separation is related to fear. Low self esteem = feeling that we don’t have anything to contribute to the world. Or to ourselves. So we lose value. We wait for the approval of others. Love yourself when you go to the place of your greatest power. Meditation, deep rest. Externalizing your power “someone else is the cause of my problems”. This will change when you take 100% responsibility for your actions. Your own emotion. Power is within you. You are the guru. I can’t do what others do and they can’t do what I do because we’re in a different time in space. Move out of competition with everyone around you. Take back power to not be afraid of delving into the shadowland. True confidence from within, not how big your house is or how beautiful your car is. Inner knowing. We live our lives based on other’s value systems. Internal process. Punishment and reward. We are programmed so punishment and reward are learned behaviors. Dare to trust yourself! Reprogramming subconscious mind. Have the wonder, happiness and joy of a child. We all have a different purpose, follow, honor and be true to it. Lifestyle – bad, low vibrational foods = panic attacks. Self worth, the source of our own happiness = good foods, vegan even. Stop comparing yourself to others. Be inspired by them, but don’t try to BE them. Share your journey. Do what you resonate with. The greatest enemy and friend lies within ourselves. Taking risks = secret to confidence. The secret of confidence = taking risks = confidence of trusting yourself. All about versatility (ability to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities). You’ve done it this way for a long time. Now try something new. Become dynamic in your behavious  (dynamic = of a process or system, characterized by constant change, activity or progress. Have confidence you’re living from the inside out. Keyword: Coherency = the quality of being logical and consistent… the quality of forming a unified whole. The power is within you. Take radical action. Allow yourself to FEEL emotions as they come. Don’t hide or deny what you’re feeling. Sit with yourself through these feelings. They will not stay forever. Balance. Strive for it. Positive and negative are both necessary (think batteries) But it’s ONE Source… of energy. Emotions is energy in motion. Whatever you hide is still a part of you. Expose yourself. Tell everything that’s bad about it yourself (flaws) so your enemy / opponent can’t use it against you. People are more inspired by your struggles than your perfections. Dark things in dictionaries are always negative. Light = pure / good. That is programming and causes depression. (There are no races, border, money – this stuff is in your mind, and attacks it if you allow it). Embrace your shadow side, the darkness. In our darkest moments, we become illuminated. In the dark times, you learned your greatest lesson ever. Love the darkness and the light. Be Balanced. Stop doubting yourself and the universe when feeling the depression. There will be dark, challenging and hard times. We need to learn not to run away from them. Don’t run away from problems. Face them. Don’t be delusional. Be honest to yourself and admit you’re going through a hard time right now. Accept things for what they actually are. Forget 24/7 positive person. It just won’t happen like that. You came here to be real, not perfect. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes. What you think of yourself is the only thing that matters, not other’s opinions of you. Fear paralyzes action. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear is separation. Suppress your thoughts and you increase your misery. Equilibrium. Overthinking? Move into radical action. Thinking? You’re not being PRESENT. Lack of self love is the root of suffering. True wisdom is the knowledge and information applied. A true wise being knows how much they don’t know. The greatest relationship you can have is with yourself.     __

Later if I can remember to, I’ll type out all the messages I got from listening to the Tony Robbins motivational speech.

Jamark8

Jamark8

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