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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 16 comments
    • 5,873 views
 

standing still

As i go for my daily walk thru my neighborhood I notice more and more houses that were once quiet now littered with kids toys. more and more little families popping up. everyone is progressing and im just standing still. at least im not going backwards....although these days i really cant tell. I might be, im still unsure if it was me that caused my friends to stray or them just moving on in life, so I could be going backwards because I just keep to myself because i have no other choice.   

allalone6

allalone6

 

Morning Pages

I can’t do it. It’s too difficult for me. I can’t go on living anymore. I don’t know the reason I’m going on. Or maybe the reason is just I’ve tried to commit suicide but it always fails every single time. So I’m just stuck here. I don’t know what to do anymore. Ask God for help? Leave it all to Him? Cos there is nothing more that I can do. This is my best. Too bad my best is being a lousy nobody. Is it cos I’m not willing to make more effort to try? If I’m not willing to try, I will never impro
 

Week of July 10th

21 days!!!!!! Don't think you cannot do it..... you can!  (  @JD4010  @Depressedgurl007   @nojoy  @Natasha1   ) Anything you can do is better than nothing..... End of the driveway?  End of the block?  Awesome!       Wed July 10   1.1 mi/19 mins - my Pacer app mysteriously deducted .3 miles, but I'm using the distance that comes up most often. Thurs July 11   1.35 mi/25 mins - 530 this morning - I am maybe starting to get better about getting up ins
 

Sigil magic

I dabble. “Chaos magic “. I am not entirely sure do I believe any of it (probably not) but that is beside the point, apparently. Perhaps chaos magic is just glorified mindfulness. Haha. Thing is, I found a piece of paper with a scribbling on it. Something that looked like an ancient Irish “triskele”. Then I remembered I had drawn it, according to my “wish”, or spell if you will, into the Universe, a few months ago. Funny thing though, I don’t really remember what it was I wished. 
 

Kids

I feel sorry for the kids today that are working in retail. The world that you and I are part of does not treat them well. All they really want to do is their sh*t job with sh*t hours and sh*t pay is get through school and onto to the job they might actually want. And it seems the world that was once these kids conveniently forgets that.  It used to be easy. Do you have this cut in something OTHER than lemon or chartreuse? And the girl would say either "Yes we do" or "I wish" or ...you get

Gisele

Gisele

 

Morning Pages

I really just want to give up. I really do. People are so tiring to deal with. I’m such a loser and a slow worker. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I’m just hating myself and hating my life and losing sight of my purpose. Sigh. Oh gosh. I’m probably having PMS. I hate this.  What can I feel incredibly grateful for right now? McDonald’s  How could I have fun right now? Not now, but at 10:30 I can watch one of the new anime that aired.  How could I demonstrate love or exc
 

So, what's the path?

It's all mapped out. Here's this unhappy place that I was, and here are a whole bunch of stepping stones along the way to a potentially better place. Or at least, a place that may lead to a better place. ... That's not how it works. But that's what I'm doing. I can get myself from a very dark place, to an objectively amazing place very quickly, because of the unique state my life is in. That seems like a path that I need to follow, and indeed, want to follow.  

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Anxiety

July 12 - My anxiety has been pretty bad this month because I have a couple of reports due - one due August 1st, the other due August 15th.  They are both a pretty big deal - the one due the 15th is actually a report over the whole library - expenses, statistics, etc.  Anyway...  When my anxiety gets bad, I tend to procrastinate.  Mainly because I do not get much relief, if any at all, from working on whatever is causing my anxiety.  I just feel intensely sick and terrified the entire
 

Not Easy

There's a real duality of things going on right now in my life...   On one hand, I feel alive. I have more energy than I have had in at least a couple of years, more drive, more focus, more hunger. I'm making much more progress, and I really feel like I can make a difference, like I am here to make a difference. My biggest wildest ambitions now seem so small; what I wanted to do in a matter of a decade I think I can do in 2-3 years, and probably better. What I used to want to achieve i

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Goals

I used to be the queen of goal setting and going after them. Now im afraid to set goals. Even simple ones like 5 minutes of meditation. Thats not hard. Then i forgot to get the tenderloin for the pulled pork into the slow cooker. Now its just too late. Ugh. Seriously what is wrong with me. Im not even scratching the surface here but this bothers me enough. Now im also without a tent because im unhappy with the one i bought. So i have store credit. But im limited there. Im also out foot

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

A reminder to myself tomorrow morning, of where the night went

*Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt* I have love but I still get lonely Still feel the smallness of my body on a silent night Sitting alone on my patio staring at the stars *No I just wanna hold ya* Maybe I don’t want to hear the world I let my lungs take different breaths So my heart can strike a more chaotic beat *The taste that your lips allow* It doesn’t take much to make me want to yell out One sip, one hit, one kiss But there’s not
 

Week of Wednesday, July 3rd

Wow!  Today (July 3rd) makes 14 straight days of me getting up and walking in the morning!!!!!                     I'm not actually sure if Dean would approve, but I"m pretty sure he would appreciate the effort.  Okay, so he probably wouldn't care, but it helps to think he might. I almost didn't get out and walk because my ankle has flared up again.  But I told myself to just get out and walk my short 5 minute walk, and once I got outside - an hour earlier than usua
 

Disappointment with family life

September 19th, 2017 was the last blog entry.  A lot has happened since then and I'm thinking of where to begin.. I briefly skimmed over my last entry and it talked about weight loss.  I went from 245 to 160.. now I'm back up to 200lbs.  Not too proud of that, but haven't worried much about it either.  I've been seeing a therapist who has done a wonderful job in helping me change by core beliefs of worth and usefulness.  Overall in life, I feel better about myself.  Because of this, I'm not
 

Reasons Why I Hate Summer

Believe it or not, this is meant to be a "fun" blog entry--in spite of the negative tone of the title. I've always hated summer and loved winter. Why? Well, let me begin to list the reasons: 1. Sweat. This is the big one. Even sitting at rest, I generally sweat constantly. Right now, it's 72 degrees in the office and I feel uncomfortably warm. Everybody else in the office is just fine. One coworker is even wearing a sweater! By the way, I detest sweaters unless it's below zero outside. Even

JD4010

JD4010

 

Barely Hangin' In There....

I feel like I am hanging on to the side of the cliff by my literal fingernails.... My anxiety is starting to get out of control again - I have a couple of highly important reports to do, one by the first part of August, one by the middle of August. And one is about things that did not turn out the way I wanted them to, so I am really nervous.  It is only the second time I have done either of them, so I am really nervous.   I think I might have to binge watch Almost Human and Doom and Priest
 

Fighting the fight

My illness is at it's worst these days. But there's one path out of here, and I have to keep moving.   I'm really messed up. But I'm making ground, and maybe, just maybe, that will make a difference.     I'm up every morning at 3, run to the gym, workout, run home, start my admin work, a couple of hours later I go to work. Do my day, then go home and deal with whatever emails have popped up through the day. I've gone from being slack on my days off, to non-stop meet

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Lost

I’m still trying to understand my situation and what in the world am I suppose to do about it. I’ve lived for almost 6 years with my Mother in law, till I absolutely can’t stand her that two months ago I rented a room two blocks down just to get away from her and my husband never followed me of course cos he is such a mommy’s boy. Why am I still with him?? Why?? I thought I could learn to get used to her and her words and learn to put a mental block to drown out what she say and block those disa
 

Morning Pages

I used to blog my Morning Pages here where I write down anything and everything on my mind to let off the steam and clear my head, especially when I have so many mixed feelings inside me. So what’s the voice in my head saying? That I’m a pathetic person who can’t do anything right. Who put importance on stupid things that don’t matter and end up neglecting the more important things that should matter. It’s exhausting really. Sometimes I try to help people but I sound like a nag. I don’t really c
 

meaness caused by mental illness

The words below are MY OPINION. You are welcome to read my thoughts on this subject, however, unless you have something positive to say, then don't comment or like this post. Mean-spirited is not a symptom.  It is an attitude that has been adopted to cover one's own shortcomings or pain. I have witnessed mean-spiritedness is young children to senior adults. I have been a victim of mean-spirited people within my own family and the world around me. You may be hurting but that does not gi

nojoy

nojoy

 

Week of Wednesday, June 26th

Well, I've been battling ankle pain and stiffness - I am using the insoles my family doc recommended, and it has helped the pain in my heel and foot sole tremendously. I still have places of weakness in my ankle, doc says this is basically an old injury flaring up. In addition, our car went into the shop Tuesday June 25th, hopefully we get it back by tomorrow.  Bad bearings in the tires and some loose wires in the ABS system.  So wow, thank you Higher Power for keeping us safe thus far.  Anyway,
 

I have some really good news that might just save me

After exams I collapsed. I was so ready to give up. I begged to god, over and over. I had no intention to make it through the summer. my future is so uncertain, and for the moment there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. It's torture.  I thought I'd only find happiness through my studies. Friends were telling me that I needed to find a different focus. Another aspect of life to make me happy.  I had never been good at the other factors and so I had given up hope a long time ago. 

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

And Then It Hit Me....

I have to share something that really struck me the other day.  I'm still processing it, in fact.  To preface, though, I have struggled my entire life with feeling disconnected from myself, my family, and my environment.  Off and on, since I was young enough to have memories. I would say that it was worse when I was younger, but I think I have just learned how to live with it over the years.  And to a certain extent, I think this quote doesn't always fit, or doesn't fit every aspect
 

Heavy... and trigger warnings btw

It took me a long time to come home tonight. I kept walking around, then I stopped and stood on a quiet street for a while, to think, then another. Didn't like my old spot I'd planned to use to finish things, didn't think the fall would be far enough. Probably would, but there's enough chance, and it's mostly over water and I don't like the solid bits to land on. I don't know why they need to be nice.... I just want to go back to the earth, you know.   Shit's hard sometimes. Too m

MrMisery

MrMisery

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