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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr

I Feel Healthy and Strong

Life is pretty amazing. I've been through SO much in my life -- so many trials, so many challenges, and so many setbacks... a mental breakdown resulting in two hospitalizations five years ago.. several bouts of depression, months of suicidal ideation, severe anxiety, PTSD, many abusive relationships... you name it, I've been through it.  And today? I feel stronger and healthier than ever. I am celebrating. I've come a VERY long way.  On the work front, I am succeeding and am kicking bu




Meeting Shmeeting

Tonight was probably the worst Al-Anon meeting ever. Not because of the people but because of the subject matter. Since I was sexually abused as a child and as an adult, I have grown to view sex with disgust. The mere thought of getting "intimate" with anyone invokes an immediate urge to vomit. Even someone touching me without expecting it makes my skin crawl. I have three children only because I was taught that sex was expected, not a choice. Since I have been made aware by my therapist that I




Feeling scared

I'm scared that I might be heading down that slippery slope into depression again. It could have started with Post-traumatic stress symptoms which added on to the ongoing vicarious trauma and eventually burn out that I might be experiencing. I'm scared because I don't want to go down that road again, but I am suspicious and I am feeling lousy that I am not doing as well as I hoped (although I know I shouldn't compare with the many out there who can't get a job) I am scared because I kn




Feeling..... How?

I don't know how I'm feeling this morning.  Anxious, which is fairly normal. I am learning that the majority of my anxiety comes from working with one particular person, who is relentlessly critical. If this criticism were in support of high standards, I would find a way to embrace it, because trying to achieve higher standards helps us grow and learn and expand our abilities.  But this relentless criticism has always been about exercising control over others.  I don't know if that distinction 

Week of Monday Feb 25th

The time change will be upon me all too soon - I hate it. I hate it not only because I lose an hour a day, but because here in the Midwestern US the 'fall back' time fits my Circadian Rhythm much better. So come spring, I'm always a little exhausted - I looked it up, its something like chronic fatigue, only caused by having to live a schedule that's just a little bit (hour or so) off your natural Circadian Rhythm.  It turns out it's just as exhausting as it feels, losing that stupid little hour.

Some Days Are Dark. Let me bring in the light.

Feelings change, and are rarely predictable. I thought I might be at that illusionary finish line; having accomplished everything I set out for so long ago. I felt really good. Then the weight of the world comes pouring into my soul. I'm not feeling all that good right now.   The problem is that I've pretty close to done everything that I thought might make me happy. And yeah, it's not that simple. Happiness isn't that tangible, but I thought I could nudge things in the right





I have made an executive decision in my world that February is uniformly the most depressing effing month of the year, every year. There's Valentine's Day to remind all single folks we have nobody; the month my friend was mrdrd; my friend reminded me today that February was when our mutual friend lost her second-born to cancer two years ago; it's always bleak, cold, wet and shivery. Februarys can 💋my 🤬. I saw the very first dogwood blooms today, and they made me so happy. I'm a very depress





I have been a day patient this week. I was a day patient before last summer but I didn't feel it as helpful as I did this time. Also my mood has been different from the situation last summer.  As you already know, my mood has been good and I feel like Lithium is really making a difference this time. I wrote before that someday I'll be Saturday night. I didn't expect to be Saturday night  so soon. My mood has changed dramatically.  Today was supposed to be my last day at the hospital bu




Feeling Good.....

Barring a few minor things like the normal morning 'runs', I actually feel - gasp - pretty damn good this morning!  I'm sure work will no doubt change that, LOL.  Usually does.  But that's okay.  For now, I feel great!  Like the song says, 'I got a little change in my pocket goin' jing-a-ling-a-ling...'  I know you can't buy happiness, but when you have a little extra to buy one or two things  (BOOKS!  ALL THE BOOKS!)  it does help quite  a bit.  The past two days I've been doing a HIIT ro


I'm adding a pic of my current attempt at crochet. So far I'm just doing a single stitch, and I"m sure I'm doing absolutely everything totally wrong.  I'm not even sure at this point what it will be - I think I was aiming for something 'scarfy', but... Well, you tell me.  After you pick yourself up off the floor laughing.  See all those curves - that's natural, and it means I'm doing something horribly wrong. I just can't figure out what, LOL.  But I'm sticking with it.  Because I'm

The Hard Side of the hobby

I have had a hard few days, I have had to turn down fish that really need help because I am not in a position to take in anymore. I calculated that the current weight of my tanks is over 1.5 metric tons (1750KG when filled), thankfully our house is built on a block and beam concrete floor so I don't need any further reinforcement, in all of this i have perhaps 100 ish Fry, 4 Permanent residents and my rescues (and other animals, reptile and amphibians). Anyway this week for the first time I




Day Off....

So.... The 'hour late opening' has turned into 'stay home'.  I'm torn between LOLing and doing a victory dance.  Woo-hoo. Icy roads and sidewalks... hopefully people will stay home and be safe. I'm just going to enjoy a day off (probably have to use hours to make up for it, but hey...)                                                                                                                                                                     I"m looking forward to writing -

Well, It's Official...

I think it's official - we Midwesterners don't deal with snow and ice very well.  Here in Oklahoma, at least, everyone is freaked out by patchy ice today.  There was a 14 car pile up in the Big City this morning.  And to look out the window, you can't even tell it's icy.  Yeah.  Give us tornadoes and we haul out the lawnchairs and cameras - hell, we even chase the damn things down in our cars!  Bake us to death at over 110F and we slather on the sunscreen and beat feet to the near

Really Hope This Works....

[I've had problems with posting in my other blog, so I really hope this works.] I retitled my blog for Karl Urban. I'm hunting down all the TV series and movies I can find where he is a primary actor.  Am I the only one who uses an obsession with a famous actor to manage their anxiety?  I've tried all that 'yoga/soft music/relaxing sounds' shit.  And I'm sorry, but my anxiety fucking SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF ITS BLOODY LUNGS!!!!  I can't even hear that 'relaxing sounds' stuff - I ge

Trying to update my progress....

Been having problems with this blog - but only this blog.  LOL, it's probably me, but heck if I know what I'm doing 'wrong'. Anyway, I've been having problems copy/pasting, so I"m going to laboriously re-type it all.  Ugh. 1 lap = @.83 miles 1.5 laps = @1.44 miles (shortcut) or @1.46 miles (long way) 2/11  21m, 1 lap 2/12  23m, 1.5 laps (short) 2/14  22m, 1.5 laps (short) 2/15  16m, 1 lap 2/18  22m workout 2/19  25m workout 2/20  32m,  1.5 laps (

I'm Doing It, Sort Of....

[I've been trying without success to post in this blog since Feb 21st... there is more to add, but I currently am not able to add anything. I was lucky to be able to do this much.] Update since Feb 4th, I've either walked or worked out 8 times.  I finally developed my own little 20 minute workout, which sadly enough is all I can handle right now.  So I either walk for 20-25 minutes (I manage either 1.23miles or 1.46 miles respectively) or I do my little workout for 20 minutes.  I have a 'wa

Trouble posting blog posts...

All week I've had trouble putting up blog posts.  The webmaster is looking into it.  If you are having the same problem, please let us know in the q&a forum. Consistently cannot add posts to my exercise blog.... for the first time since Feb 21st, I was actually able to post a few lines, but I still cannot post consistently there.  I'm using this blog as a test to see if there is any difference.  So far, I can post in this one just fine.... [bang head on wall]


Don't we all wish we could go back in time and undo a thing we did? I'm no exception. Last weekend, I took my beloved iPad to a local shop. You may be wondering why it is beloved. In 2012, I won my iPad. I was enrolled in college at the time, taking Economics. Students making an A or B were given an opportunity to enter an essay contest sponsored by a major college book publishing company, and a handful of students would win an iPad if their essays were chosen. It was a nationwide contest -




Avoiding Toxic People

I’m on another forum and have run into more toxic people there than I care to even deal with lately. I’m contemplating leaving, and have been recently feeling like that forum is unhealthy for me. It hasn’t always been this way - just lately. But it’s beginning to drag me down, which is not good for me. Specifically, I am tired of people trying to pick arguments and fights, and there seems to be a lot of that recently. I go there for support and to offer my support, but for what good? I




WARNING: Self-Pity Rant in Progress

Wow, it's been a long time since I've logged on, the site has changed again!  🙂  My doctor's office called me today and told me that for the third time, my blood sugar reading says that I'm a full-blown type 2 diabetic.  I'm not really surprised as my health has never been a priority with me, my parents were both type 2 diabetics and so is at least one of my sisters.  Now that this keeps happening (hence the "third time" phrase in the previous sentence), I have to face that fact that this




Facing Fears & Leaning In......

I am thinking of signing up for GISH.  It's a sort of adventure non-profit that Misha Collins started  up.  GISH (or sometimes GISHWHES) stands for Greatest Internet Scavenger Hunt (or Greatest Internet Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Known).  I've been thinking about for close to a year now.  But I always end up NOT signing up.  I AM TERRIFIED!!!  No ifs, ands, or buts..... utterly and completely terrified...... of signing up for this.  I cannot overstate the amount
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