What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
Sunday evening is the worst time for me. I start worrying about Monday morning at work more and more with each passing moment. I used to drink heavily on Sunday evenings, which made Monday mornings even worse. At least I don't have to experience that anymore. But the dread of the coming work day fills my mind and wrecks the waning Sunday. It's now dark outside and that is reflected inside me as well.
Work makes me feel wholly inadequate. I try to act like I'm in control but just under my thin veneer, I'm quaking in my boots. My boss intimidates the hell out of me. I want to stand up to him but I dare not. Just the sound of his voice or hearing him cough down the hall clenches my guts and drives up my heart rate. It seems absurd but that is how it goes for me.
As most of you understand and relate to, having a mental illness or struggling with mental health, often times means a drastic variation in thought process and extreme emotional experiences. Reactions to life events may be quite unusual and even outlandish to those fortunate enough to never have the experience of a "broken brain". Although I no longer see my brain as broken but very unique. I do appreciate my brain but at times it is absolutely exhausting to live inside of me. After a week of turbulence, my personal journey of defeat landed safely on solid ground. Every attempt to improve my life, create happiness, and continue on my long road to recovery failed. This left me in a fury and with feelings of total inadequacy. Hysterical at times, I felt as though I was crashing. I had become so desperate and so disoriented that all routine functions ceased. An unfamiliar depression overwhelmed my senses. I didn't bathe, I wasn't leaving the house, and my behavior became erratic. I felt disgusting, useless, and tired.All this being said I thankfully restored myself with the assistance of medication and support. This is simple proof that with long term treatment and support someone like myself can not only survive but thrive. The gigantic brick wall that is the health care system will not keep me from the freedom from my illnesses that I seek. Instead of banging my head against it, I will choose gather every tool I need to climb over it. So I begin another week hopeful that I may stay firmly planted and hold steady. Strength is such a virtuous trait and I must continue to remind myself that I am strong.
Friends, I hope this week brings you strength and solitude. Always remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!
It's Father's Day here in Finland. I visited home, my parents' and my own. I thought it would be hard but didn't expect it to be this hard.
It was nice to see everybody. My family, my parents and my sister's family. I really stepped up my game, chose nice clothes and brushed my hair and, of course, prepared emotionally.
I was all good spirit, chatty, smiley and whatever people expect me to be. About half an hour I talked, listened, paid attention, and joked with my sister's husband (that's our thing) untill I was totally exhausted.
The kids were like always. They seemed to overcome the absence of their mother and accepted the current situation. They didn't even notice me. They were attracted by their 2-year-old cousin. Everything was so normal. Everything went on like always except for my life that is on pause.
I had a brief moment to spend at home. Half an hour to be exact before we had to take my daughter to her gymnastics practise. The team is rehearsing for a Christmas show. I felt overwhelmed at home. I cried and I cried more when my husband took me back to hospital after dropping off our daughter.
Everything felt so unfamiliar yet everything was the same. The house was the same, the kids were the same, things waiting to get done at home were the same. World outside the hospital looked so different though. I didn't recognize it. It was scary, cold (not just literally) and unreal. It was like I was watching the world spinning and life happening from some different reality. I felt I didn't belong there.
Now back at hospital I feel tired but safe. Being here feels safe. This hospital and this ward protect me from outside world. It came pretty clear to me that this is where I need to be right now. I am not ready to go back to my old life.
I am calm. Maybe little sleepy. It took a lot of drugs to calm me down yesterday and make me sleep. Even strong sleeping pill didn't stop me. But eventually I fell asleep and had pretty decent night sleep.
The ward is quiet in the weekend. Half of the patients have gone to home for the weekend. They'll be back on Sunday evening. I get to go home tomorrow for few hours. Tomorrow is Father's Day here. We are gathering to celebrate it at my parents house. My sister and her family will come too and my brother will be there too. Should be nice. I think I will be either tired or hypomanic after seeing the family. It's good nurses don't let me go home for more than few hours. It's reasonable.
I think I'll try and stay in my room today. Trying to avoid anything that could trigger hypomania. Though I think it's pure chemistry now. No triggers. I think it's either this minimun medication I am on now or antidepressant that can cause mania with bipolar disorder patients. I'll have an doctor's appointment on Tuesday, maybe figure out then what is the next step we take with medication.
This is all for now. I edit and report any significant changes of my mood. Wish you all nice and relaxing weekend.
EDIT: 2 pm anxiety. I am afraid of hypomania. I have laid low today.
EDIT2: 5 15pm still calm. Good.
EDIT3: 8 50pm slightly hypomanic. Feeling super. Not many physical symptoms. Dangerous.
Lately I have spent countless, mindless, and imaginative hours with the idea of "Fly Away" somewhere. I have poured my eyes and heart over travel websites late into the night as my sleep has been totally disrupted. I am aching. I am aching throughout my body, mind and soul for something...ANYTHING to make me feel solid. I am aching for attention, comfort, and positivity. Change in my surroundings and routine, along with true rest feels like an absolute necessity right now. As selfish as this all sounds I know I am deserving of my wants and needs. Everyday caring for my husband's health and survival against addiction is exhausting. Fighting my challenging ex husband and his substitute for me concerning my young daughter is so overbearing it has taken a toll on not only my mental and emotional health but on my physical as well. I am at the end of the day a work in progress. I am a very damaged human being yet I try to the best of my abilities to remain true to myself. Everyday I put forth my authentic self whether good or bad, I acknowledge my many mistakes and flaws and I try harder. I work at my maintaining my mental illnesses and my sobriety. I need a break. A break from the reality that is my everyday life. A healthy distraction from the pain I suffer everyday both mentally and physically. However this excursion will not occur. It stays hidden in the walls within me.
Yesterday, I escaped my usual existence for a few hours only to be met with a replay of everything that has worked against me over the years. I had a very long drawn out session with a psychologist I had never met which triggered me on every level. By the end every old wound was ripped open and exposed to the infection trauma inflicts. As I recovered at home my beloved parakeet passed away in my hands.I am overwhelmed with so many mournful emotions and am truly grieving this loss of beauty and innocence. This among my husband walking lengths in front of me and completely ignoring me in the pouring rain this morning. He had an appointment with his specialist and treated me as if I was just some person and not his partner in life and love. I am traumatized, I feel broken, I want love right now. Whether it is love from a person, love from a beach, love from a peaceful sleep in a hotel, or a book alone in the woods.
I just need a break.
I just need a break
I just need a break.
I was slightly hypomanic yesterday, had to take some sedatives. I slept well however with an assistance of drugs. I am calm today thanks to good night sleep.
I am kind of inbetween moods. Not really sure what comes next, depressed or hypomanic mood. Or maybe anger. I don't want to do anything. I open some messages but I don't want to answer. I try to sleep but I don't want to take a nap. I don't know what I want to do. Probably nothing. Maybe I just lie here and do nothing.
Everything disgust me. People, food, medication, this ward, this day, this time, myself.
I can't focus. I can't read a magazine, watch tv or listen to music. Too much stimulus. Can't do it. Just can't.
EDIT: current state at 8 30pm HYPOMANIC.
Note to self: Do not open your mouth when hypomanic. Go hide. Shut up. And be good.
A few months ago, I posted something about wanting to keep a gratefulness journal here. Well, I certainly failed at that.
I just got through an extreme eye-opening experience. It reinforced my perception of myself as a failure. But! I learned something from it. Now if only I can follow through and correct what has been wrong with me.
I'm loving this new layout!
Today is no different from other days. Fever, blood tests, EKG. Also have thyroid insufficiency. Great.
I am too restless to report more.
EDIT: feeling a bit hypomanic. Fever and hypo, interesting combination.
EDIT2: still restless after taking some meds. Family visited, I couldn't stay still.
EDIT3: definitely hypomanic. Sleeping pills and anti-psycotics for the night. I need good sleep.
I wasn't intending on coming back, but ta-da. Here I am. Again.
I can't bring myself to tell my loved one what I'm feeling. Every day they say that they see me improving and getting better than last year, but I know it's not true. I haven't cut or attempted anything, but my depression males me feel invalid. Nothing I do will matter in the end anyway. I'll keep smiling and laughing even though inside I'm in pain and screaming bloody M***** for everything to stop hurting but I feel like I'd be disappointing everybody if I said it. It feels like my chest is ready to cave right in on itself. Even though I'm doing all I can to supress my emotions, I fell ready to rip at the seams.
I had this dream a few days ago. I dreamt that I was running away from my family, they were looking for me, red hot anger and yelling my name. I had a deep fear of being found, so I cut my hair, changed my clothes, and I spoke in a lower voice. And it felt so right.
I could never tell my love this dream I had. It would be insensitive. But since I was little I never understood why gender roles existed, why boys and girls weren't allowed to play with each other or wear certain clothes. You could imagine my parents stuffing my room with princesses and dresses, but I wanted robots and pants and playing with the boys like I was one of them. But I'd always be kicked out because I was a girl, my parents would tell me "It's not right." I couldn't understand.
My brothers made fun of me for growing up, wearing dresses and skirts, being feminine while my relatives would comment on my body. All these new insults would be thrown at me because I'm a girl, because I couldn't be like one of the boys, I couldn't do anything they did. "She's on her period, she's too emotional, because she's a woman." I didn't want to be born this way. I'd still go on to being made fun of for trying to reclaim femininity like it was some kind of gift I should be accepting.
But at the same time, I don't want to be a boy. I don't want to transition or take hormones. I think most of my problems wouldn't exist if I was treated the way I wanted to be growing up. I guess, most of my problems would be seen as small or insulting to others. What do I know; if it were up to me I'd still try to be masculine but in a perfect world I wouldn't be forcing myself into a pigeonhole and make it fit. I'd rather not be any pronouns, not be a boy or girl or nonbinary, or anything. I'm just a dumb kid who doesn't want labels.
...I feel like such an ass.
Friends, this is different than the forums. One person only needs ONE blog. They can come back to it and keep adding to it forever. You don''t need to start a new blog, every time you have something to add, you just need to make a new blog entry.
But, I'm not the boss here, and maybe there is reason for some to need two or more blogs. Just be aware of the difference because if everyone starts a new blog every time they want to add content, it's going to get unmanageable fast. Now, no further from me on that.
i feel like a total failure. i dont understand whats wrong with me. how did i allow my life to get this screwed up. i feel so empty and lonely. Since my early 20s i held on to hope that life would get better...thats what kept me going, i promised myself that years from now, i would look back at this sadness and tell myself it was all worth it. 15 years later....and its still the same...except quieter. all i learned over the years was to hide my depression. i literally just go thru the motions of the day.
my 20 yr high school reunion is next weekend. im totally not going..i didnt have a great high school experience and the last thing i need is to see and hear how everyone is married, with kids. All i wanted in life was to be a mom. i really thought it would happen for me, someday. i think giving myself hope that it would is what screwed me up.
what is my purpose, what do i deserve, why was i even born?
i feel so empty. and really fear the future of growing old alone. im just getting thru each day...waiting to die
This treatment hasn't been anything I expected. The main reason is that the treatment has been all physical. So many problems have occured, dehydration, toxicity, fever, blood tests and did I mentioned a thyroid?
I meet doctor and nurses daily but we only talk about things I mentioned above. Other patients talk about depression or anxiety with their nurses, I talk about how much I drank water, are my legs and arms shaky today or do I have fever.
I am afraid this is not helping my mental health but I have to feel lucky. If I didn't come to ER last week, I would be in a much more worse situation. I would have poisoned myself with lithium.
I am really struggling with writing. I can't really attend to it, my brain is working so slow. But I really, really want to write you guys about my experience. Just have to keep it short and simple.
My lithium levels are still toxic so I am not taking any at the moment. I have also fever and I am dehydrated. I have to keep track of whatever I drink and nurses try to get me eat properly.
I met a doctor today and she made some adjustments to my doses. She prescribed me something for sleeping too. I took a nap today but the night was hard again so I hope sleeping pills will make a difference. The doctor said that I will stay at the ward at least this week and next week. She also suggested I would take a sick leave till end of the year.
I have been socializing a little but my tolerance towards people is still not quite good. Meeting with the family was successful though. Dinner is soon served, that's a great opportunity to get to know people.
I will update here if something worth reporting hapens.
I wish you all great day and strength.
It's reporting week at work and then client meetings to review the reports. I am beginning to hate this part of my job. I don't know how long I will stay in this position. Maybe a year at most. I have not learned too much that is new. I am just doing things differently than I have done before.
I am also extremely nervous about massive changes I made to three websites -- they have been declining in traffic and revenue for months, and it's partially or mainly up to me to fix. I am dying to know if revenue went up or down last month and I will find out today once the numbers have been adjusted. ARGH. Work is VERY stressful. I try to take everything in stride, but being responsible for a client's success and revenue online is extremely stressful. At least I get paid very well to be stressed -- one bonus.
My fiance is also very stressed at his job. Thankfully, we chill after work at home together and relieve our stress. But we both want to win the lottery and get out of our jobs.. badly. Yeah like that's gonna happen! Haha.
I cannot imagine doing this work my whole life. I think I want to switch directions, but I have no idea what I would do. I would stay within digital marketing because I like it and don't want to lose any salary, but I have no idea what part or aspect I would move into. Writing is appealing, but that pays a lot less. I have no clue! I guess I have time to think about it - I am only four or five months into this job so It will be a while before I make a move. I just need to be a success somehow until then.
I feel this all the time.
I reach for solitude.
When no one reaches out.
But why should I when I sought solitude all along?
When I want to be away from people.
And want to be alone.
Why condemn people for doing as I ask?
Not that I deserve anyone's love.
I'm a bad friend anyways.
But no one understands me.
and I wish I had someone to talk to that could.
I won't end myself
I won't end myself
I won't end myself
I won't end myself
I won't end myself
I won't end myself
I can't end my life
I can't end my life
I can't end my life
I can't end my life
I have to stay alive
I have to stay alive
I have to stay alive
I have to stay alive
I have to stay alive
This is my third day at ward. Today I am moving to another ward. It's bigger and open ward. More freedom. I've been there before... three months ago. All three wards are full so I am little afraid they are putting people home too early.
I've been texting all morning and talked on phone so I am really exhausted. Very little exhausts me. The hubby and the kids will pay a visit today. I am not really into it today but I have to. The kids are still devastated.
I haven't slept well. My roommate is okay thank God. She sleeps all the time. There's always some noise coming outside the rooms. Environment affects for sure but I think it's an antipsychotic aripiprazol (Abilify) that was supposed to give me energy boost now stealing my night sleep. Will have to ask a doctor about that.
My day at ward has been okay this far. I have a little headache though and I wish for a nap but can't sleep.
Yeah, that old tune by "Them" keeps running through my head. The night never leaves for very long. And it comes rushing back with a vengeance. I spent last night reminiscing about what a piece of excrement I was in order to lose my girlfriend. I looked at some more old posts of hers here and my support is noticeably absent...that's because I was too goddamned stupid and/or full of myself to respond. As a result I got ditched. I obviously deserved it. I was so in love with her. Actually, I still am. I cannot get over her.
This was definitely the hugest mistake of my life. I've made some massive mistakes but this one dwarfs them all. Frankly, I'm back to feeling suicidal. The most wonderful person to ever come into my life (besides my daughter) and I blew it with her. Absolutely wrecked everything from not being supportive enough.
As if I needed another reason to despise myself.
I am now in a hospital, psychiatric ward. I don't remember much of the previous days. I can't remember going back to ER or going to the ward. I can't tell whether the kids came along taking me to the ER. I've sent many, many messages but I can't remember sending them. I have no clue what time I came here to the ward but I didn't leave my bed all day.
I am relieved that I am here now. I hated it that kids had to see me like that. So many weeks and I didn't realize. And now I am in a ward where doors are locked and nurses monitor everything I do. I had already made skipping meals an art but today they wised up I have skipped every meal. It's not about weight but to starve myself. Here I have no extra meds or any meds. Taking meds is monitored too. And oxazepam is not on the list.
I have been quite anxious today but I haven't asked anything for it. So many thoughts are running in my head and I feel guilt and shame. My husband brought me some clothes because it's okay to wear own clothes here. I was anxious to see him. I felt shame for being in the hospital.
Next week the kids will come too. My both girls are totally upset. Younger one had left a halloween party early because she was so sad. Other one texted me that she can't stop crying.
I don't know yet what's the plan for me. How long they are going to keep me here. I hope they don't send me home too soon. At least so long my new meds will start working.
Does anyone else hear that phrase as sung by Kris Kringle and the Winter Warlock in the old claymation movie 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town'? I dearly love that scene- it makes me bawl like a little baby every. single. time.
And no, I'm not spreading Christmas cheer - my attitude towards the holidays is more like 'so it begins'. I love Thanksgiving, I have a ton of wonderful family memories from Thanksgiving. And Christmas too. But Christmas comes with a virtual obligation of gift giving, and I can barely keep my family fed in the good months. So Christmas becomes a reminder of 'oh, look 20YaC at how badly you are failing!' So yeah, not excited about Christmas, nope.
Things blew up a little Thursday at work. I can't really say much more than that - I just erased it all and thought better of it. I was going to put this blog entry out Thursday and decided not to. That's where I'm at right now. I hate it when work is like this-walking on eggshells all the time and waiting for the inevitable explosion. Because I feel like who I am and how people perceive me means there is a target painted on my back, regardless of my behavior. It triggers my anxiety and panic into overdrive. I hate feeling terrified so much of the time. And the crazy thing is, that it is only in the last couple of years that I am figuring out two basic things most people already know : a) it's not always my fault or about me and b) work shouldn't feel like this.
I did a Shamanic healing this week for past abuse and my PTSD. She did a "soul retrieval" for me, which means bringing yourself back to wholeness after abuse. I now cannot stop crying.... I started bawling during one of the sessions and woke up bawling this morning. I think my body is releasing all of the pain I have carried around deep within me from all of my past abuse. I didn't expect to be crying and she didn't inform me that that would happen, but it did.
I lean towards Shamanism for many reasons which I won't get into here, but I've worked with several Shamans in the past, dating back to 2012. I've been told during a past life regression once that I was a Shaman in a past lifetime. Perhaps that's true -- I certainly can see it being true, if there is such a thing as a past life. I tend to believe souls are reincarnated and live many lives.
I myself have always been attracted to the healing professions and have tried to become a therapist twice now in my life -- not for me I determined, but I am still attracted to energy healing work and spiritual healing work. I certainly believe that there are other dimensions and planes of existence out there, and that we all have Spirit Guides and Guardian Angels. She introduced me to mine -- she said my Guardian Angel is in fact Angelic and has wings and was dressed in green. Another Shaman told me that two of my Spirit Guides are a mountain lion and a black bear. That makes sense to me. I saw them in a meditative journey this latest one led me on. They led me down the path towards healing.
So I was told in this healing to think about what has attracted abusers to me all these years and since my childhood -- I was told that abusers have felt they can get away with it with me. The abuse, that is. So I'm a real softie eh? Hmm...... well, no longer is that true. I will not allow another human being to abuse me EVER AGAIN. I said that to myself after my last abusive relationship.
Anyways, it is interesting stuff to say the least. I love thinking this way.... I love exploring my spirituality and other planes of existence. I know I am being guided by higher beings... I can feel their presence. I am sensitive like that. Others may scoff and laugh at this notion, but I like it. It is comforting to know that higher beings are helping me.
It is pouring rain outside right now -- very appropriate for my state of mind at the moment. I am no longer crying or releasing that energy. I actually feel better. A good cry helps.
Thank you for everybody who was concerned about me yesterday. I really appriciate it and it gives me strenght to continue seeking for proper help in this situation. Thank you my friends.
I didn't go back to ER though, I was too tired so I slept till morning. I think it was 6pm so I slept 14 hours. I didn't even change my clothes. I slept wearing jeans and a hoodie.
Yesterday was very weird. Either this depression is turning into psychotic or then it's all because overdosing oxazepam. Probably the latter but it sure felt like last year I had psychotic depression. I don't hear voices or have delusions. (Well, I do have delusions but not in this kind of situation.) It feels like being in a bubble and everything outside the bubble is not existing. I don't hear or see, outside world is out of my reach. I lost track of time and I don't remember anything. For example, yesterday I suddenly realised I was at ER and couldn't remember how I got there and what time or day it was.
I am doing pretty okay in the mornings. That's why I have to write early while I am having my morning coffee. I know most of the readers are asleep while I write this. I am writing from time zone UTC+2. Say hello if you are reading this in the same zone! After morning coffee everything changes. That horrible emptiness, nothingness and guilt take over my mind. Morning meds gives me a great opportunity to take more than I need. I want to take more than I need. I overdose to tolerate this. I take more everytime. I usually take oxazepam which is benzodiazipine but I am running out. I'll take whatever prescription drugs I find at home. Anything will do if it affects central nervous system. I am not an addict. Not yet. I abuse prescription medicines. And if this goes on I'll eventually take fatal dose.
Other severe problem is eating. I am not eating or drinking. I drink coffee and water with my meds but that's it. Sometimes I eat once a day but now I haven't eaten in two days. I am not hungry or thirsty. I am shutting down.
I don't know what today will bring. It's impossible to think ahead. How bad will it get today? Should I go to ER or wait till Monday? Weekends are the worse. The worst because the whole family is at home. My husband has to take care of everything alone. And the kids have to witness all this. Their mother unable to get off the bed and not participating in anything. Terrible guilt to put them through this again.