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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
    • 16 comments
    • 4,634 views
 

Just a little pick me up

List of things that I'm grateful for today 1. My bed 2. coffee 3. My cat 4. My education 5. My Dad 6. My Mum 7. My Nan 8. Comfy clothes 9. My friends 10. Food 11. Music 12. The Sun 13. The Sea 14. My Dog 14. Fluffy Socks 15. Showers 16. My Phone 17. My laptop (because it allows me to talk to you guys :)) 18. Candles and perfume 19. My car 20. Kind strangers 21. Gogglebox 22. My Heal

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Self-pity (an Inhibitor)

Life is unfair.  If you look at life from the perspective of good and bad. Some people are more fortunate, others are less fortunate. Shouldn't it be equal ? Why should one person have it easy whilst someone else has to struggle with sh*t throughout life.  ----- That's the perspective that I used to have. I would view myself as being less fortunate than others - why did i fail my exams when I tried so hard and sacrificed so much ? Why do I have a knee

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

I want to be content when I die

I just watched a Louis Theroux episode called 'Edge of life'.  It showed hospital patients who were on the verge of death, and it showed them and their loved ones having to swallow the death sentences that had been given to them. A particular guy moved me to tears. His name is Langston and he was in his early 20s. Langston had overdosed on heroin which caused severe brain damage and ended him in a coma. The hospital called in a Neurologist to examine his brain scans. Langstons pro

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Week of Monday, March 18th

Last week was crazy for me.... out of town conference, sitting in classes all day, away from hubby... completely thrown out of my routine. I didn't sleep very much or very well.  Anyway, here's this week. We're undergoing renovations at work right now, so things are up in the air there, too. Monday, March 18- it was beautiful here, so I took the long way home; 30 minutes, 1.56 miles Tuesday, March 19- chance of rain after work, so hubby & I went to the gym; 30 mins treadmill (7 min
 

The Dark Pit

You don't want to sleep,  but you don't want to be awake. You don't want to eat,  but you don't want to be hungry. You don't want to be around people,  but you don't want to be alone. You don't want to do anything,  but you don't want to do nothing. What you really want to do is stop existing, but you can't do that without dying,  and you don't really want to do that either.

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

The Truth

Life's getting better. Everything is possible. I am incredibly, unbelievably lucky. But it's hard. And it's not that my mind is against me, it's that I have an illness that challenges me sometimes.   I got drunk a while ago and spoke to a friend about how I'd planned to **** myself a couple of weeks ago. I can't remember what point I was trying to make was; maybe that things aren't as rosey as they always look, but I was surprised at how hard that hit someone. It's weird. To me it

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Sweet Taste of Success

Wow oh woweeeeeee! I am sooooooooo excited!!!! I am seeing the results of my work, and I am feeling a sense of great success.& accomplishment. I can hardly believe it!!!! I doubt myself ALL the freaking time at work, mainly because my field naturally lends to that, but also because I just doubt and question myself. What I do at work is both an art form AND a science. There is creativity and strategy involved, but there are also certain steadfast rules, meaning very specific DOs and DON'

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I posted on this blog. I completed my anxiety group in January and for a while things seemed to be going okay. The Cymbalta was working, I was feeling pretty energized, things were going okay. February was really rough. It was exceptionally cold and most of my energy was put into just getting out of the house each day. I made the mistake of admitting to an acquaintance that I was developing feelings for him, and regardless of his answer, that admission really made me real

Pusheen

Pusheen

 

Saturday In The Park

Why do we get so sad when we go back to our childhood haunts? Do we grow sad because we were so much happier as kids, more carefree and less stressed? Is it because we've lost the capacity to view a world with infinite possibilities? I often wonder why this phenomenon occurs. My youngest recently told me she reconnected with some family members and found out some things we didn't know. She said it made her sad and angry that she had missed out on so many years with that part of her family. I tol

Tearz

Tearz

 

Good Times....

I'm edging into the good time of the month now.  The time when I feel fairly confident and capable.  There still seems to be a disconnect between what I want to do and what I actually do. I've been looking up something called Executive Function Disorder, but I don't think I quite meet the criteria.  It's hard to say.   Anyway, because this IS my Karl Urban and Misha Collins blog, and because I need to keep my mind on more positive things, I'll drone on and on about Karl.  Because I can fin
 

Mood. Disorder. What does disorder really mean?

Obviously a mood becomes a problem when it..well when it becomes a problem. We have all been there. I feel fine now, at the moment. Tired and disorientated perhaps, anxious and irritable too. Agitated. Exited. Euphoric even. But that’s the way it goes for me when I feel (hypo)manic. Or depressed. As I am never truly either. There is something cyclic going on, but it is not full blown bipolar. Neither have I ever really had full blown depression. There is always So. Much

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Not sure how to feel

Well now, I have been struggling with how to put this into words all afternoon. I had an appointment at my local hospital today. It was for the results of the tests that they have been running for almost 18 months. I have felt numb since the diagnosis. It just seems weird, like it's not happening to me. I feel removed from my body and mind right now.  The Dr. Was very good, gave me my diagnosis and explained to me what this meant in terms of treatments, side effects and gave me a load of in

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

Time Flies....

Wow... it's been nearly two weeks since I put an entry in here.  Last week was really crazy for me, but I'm not sure what happened the week before that.  Last week we all went to a conference for work.  Sitting in classes, routine upended completely, no hubby.... Sleep did not come easily and did not stay for long.  I messed up my exercise routine big time, but I"m getting back into the swing of things now.  We are renovating at work, so there is upheaval there, too.          I am so
 

Week of Monday, March 11th

Later this week I will be at a work conference in the Big City.  That is my idea of a nightmare, not to mention that I'm out of anxiety meds and reduced to taking 2 Benadryl every 4 hours until my re-up appointment Wed. Mon Mar 11- walked just over 1.6 miles in 30 minutes Tues Mar 12-  (my late day at work) Wed Mar 13- (re-up appt) travel to conference (2.5 hours one way) 30 minutes on treadmill at 3.7mph Thur Mar 14- missed - conference Fri Mar 15- missed (travel home f
 

Welcome sober life

Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.  That's basically my yesterday night. Unfortunately alcohol also creates new problems. I don't drink often but when I do, things get ugly. I have been avoiding  this issue long time but after last night it's time to do some inner searching and face the fact - I have a problem with alcohol.  Let me tell you how it started. It started the moment I hit 18 and alcohol and nightclubs became accessible. I was t

nhaar

nhaar

 

Can't Wait for Vacation!!

OMG. Our honeymoon is now weeks away. I cannot wait!!!!  I went wedding dress shopping with mom and sis yesterday and tried on several pretty awful dresses, lol. Wow, I felt like the doll that stands on top of a wedding cake. Hehehe. So I've decided to wear the one I have. It's perfect for a beach wedding in hot weather. I'm going to have it taken in some to give it more shape, and my mom bought me all the right jewelry for it yesterday. Yay!  I am now dreaming of drinks by the poolsid

RiverLight

RiverLight

Back at home and facing a problem with antipsychotics

Back at home and facing a problem with antipsychotics

I was finally checked out from hospital last Friday. It feels so good to be at home. I've kept myself quite busy. There is no space or time for depression right now.  Hypomania is gone so I am delightfully enjoying steady mindset. I've still got lot of energy but I guess that's the real me - active, motivated and creative. Sometimes it's hard to recognize the real you when you've been sick so long and your illness has become part of your identity. Or at least you think it's who you are. You

nhaar

nhaar

 

Healing

Today has not been easy. I had some plans for today. I had run my race... and that was that. It's been rough.   I still don't know what the plan is for tomorrow. I have no choice but to keep moving. Even today I don't have time to spend on this; I have too many commitments that I can't just drop. But here I am, sidelined with this illness. I wonder if I should stop everything and say that enough is enough, I need time to heal. But I wont, and honestly I can't. About

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Not-so-fond memories

A post in the suicide forum gave me a flashback. I responded with the following in that forum but I also wanted to post it here in the blog. I trace some of my current "issues" back to this time in my life. Maybe I'll explore what it all means some more. Or maybe I won't. Probably wouldn't do me any good. I had to change schools just before fourth grade. This would have been in 1968. The school I started attending was small, with a 4th grade class of 31 students. They had all been together

JD4010

JD4010

 

Fitness Targets

So I thought that I would put up something that I can work towards. There is a charity "event" that is coming up in June, all proceeds go towards St Barnabus Hospice (Respite Care Charity). Before My Mother and Grandparents passed, they were all lucky enough to spend some time in one of these Hospice's. Not to put down the NHS or anythign as they do a great job, but once they were moved into this Hospice they received 24 hour a day care and individual care coordinators, religious members if

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

Week of Monday March 4th

I am really not feeling well this morning - I had canned chili last night and it's not agreeing with me. Ugh. At least I've managed to get up earlier in preparation for the stupid time change Sunday.  Anyway, here is this week.... Monday, March 4th- 35 minutes easy yoga for beginners; Tuesday, March 5th- missed a workout - spent the day out of town at a workshop Wednesday, March 6th- walked 1.6 miles in 30 minutes Thursday, March 7th- out sick - does running to the bathroom c
 

Wedding Dress!

I am going wedding dress shopping with my mother next weekend! I had one picked out, a much more casual dress, but now that I've looked in the shops a little, I may swap it out for something more dressy and elegant! I'm excited!! Here’s the one I’m considering! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

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