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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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Turning Point

It's time to step up.   I'm more than this, this cowering, broken person. I am at my weakest, but that's no excuse.   This is my life, and I'm owning it. I've put too much into it to let it go. I walked a half marathon every day for 4 months on a broken foot, then it happened again a couple of months later, and I endured it again for another 4 months. I didn't bitch about my bad luck, and very few saw the pain or the fear that my foot would never heal. When people asked about the boot on my foot, I just told them these are my dancing shoes. I worked 130-137 hour weeks, for 8 weeks straight, to start my business. That's the hardest I've ever had to work, and now with things expanding I know I might be in for worse in the next few months, but I know its worth it, and I know I did that when I was seven years younger, with all of the inexperience and weakness that comes with that. I fought hard, and that doesn't even scratch the surface. I did the work. Now I'm spending most of my time wanting to throw it away. Why? Because, I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person. Not for anything I've done, but because there is something inherently wrong with me. There is no rationality. I just feel that the entirety of the world wants me gone, because there is something wrong with me. Any tiny thing goes wrong, or I'm alone with my thoughts for five minutes, and I want to put an end to it all.   That's not what this is. This illness will not conquer me. I will not break to it. There is one simple fact that I'm going to acknowledge as absolute fact: I am a good person. I wont allow myself to question that when in the midst of depression, I have proven the opposite enough. I'll take luxury of that, and I'll build from there.   Obviously this isn't an illness you can shrug off, and I do believe I'll be fighting it for my entire life, but this does have to be a turning point. Today, this hour, this minute, has to be a turning point. This cannot continue. It's time to clean up my act, and start taking every little win I can, every little positive I can build in my life I need to build. I need to make this better, whatever the path to that may involve.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Whatever.

I haven't posted a blog entry in a long time. I'm too lazy to check how long it has been since the last one. Who cares? My boss is irritating the hell out of me. I think he's being an anus. But whatever. He's the boss and I gotta do whatever he wants. I had a dream the other night about buying an RV and beginning a new life. It was a cheap, shitty RV but it had enough room for me and my cats. Then I woke up and realized that even a cheap, shitty RV is beyond my grasp. The only way I'll ever be able to retire is to croak. And that's probably what will happen...I'll get carried out of the office on a stretcher without ever doing all of these things I've wanted to do. I've been divorced for over four years now but I still help maintain the old house. This is in spite of sending my ex an ungodly amount of money each month. I spent this morning shoveling a whole lot of snow from my former driveway. I'm stuck in this rut and I have no clue how to get out of it. Suckage. Everything is suckage.

JD4010

JD4010

 

What happened to my October goals?

Do you remember me setting some goals for October? Well, me either until I came across with them today when reading some old posts and thinking of my blog's future.  Let's have a look at them right here and now.      1. I will only work three days a week as I have agreed on. I won't take extra hours, I won't stay late, I will prioritize healt over work. I did pretty good sticking with my shifts and not taking any extra hours. Well, part-time working only worked for me about three weeks until I was back on sick leave.  2. I will write my blogs part-time, posting less, two or three times a week. I wrote much less and without purpose. Actually I only wrote diary posts instead of any real blog posts. Simply because I was not up to it.  3. I will read at least five books. Reading helps to restore concentration. I didn't read a single book. Concentration - zero level.  4. I will actively search for means to manage and reduce my anxiety, other than drugs. Well, we all remember what happened with my drug using...  5. I will go outdoors more. Yeah right...  6. I will eat healthy and at least four times a day. I didn't eat at all so my body was dehydrated that led to lithium toxicacy.  7. I will see friends as often as I can. I had no interest in seeing anybody.  8. I will learn to love myself again and let go of anger and shame. This I can proudly tell I nailed it. I am pretty good terms with myself even if I am not doing good.  9. I'll stay with my meds and avoid excessive drinking. I have stayed with my meds and haven't enjoyed alcohol at all.  10. I will overcome my fears and spend time in my back yard even if I got hundred panic attacks. Well, this didn't played out so well.    Okay, what do you think? I think I was quite optimistic and didn't see what was coming towards me. I am going to share some new goals and hopes I have for this year. 

nhaar

nhaar

 

Confusion, Rage and The Low Lows

Hi to whoever is reading this, first things first.  Don't worry , I am fine. These are feelings and not plans. I did not have the greatest day today, since I lost my Mum and her side of the family I reached out to my father to see whether there was a chance, any chance, no matter how small that maybe we could be in each others lives. I have not heard or seen him since I was 7 years old, I am now 33 so a long time has passed.I saw an email in my inbox from him and my heart leapt, I couldn't open it for a while. I had to let the maelstrom of emotions calm down. I had expected something, I had expected a start. I did not expect to come face to face with a two liner that basically said that he tried years ago and i rebuffed him.  I was 12 ****ing years old when I didn't want to see him,  5 months after he broke 3 of my ribs. !!!!.  So, I held it together until lunch time, i drove calmly away and parked up in a nearby car park that looks over a canal and marina. I opened the central console and just stared at the contents for a long long time. In here I keep several things, basically it is a suicide kit. pills, booze, syringe, noose etc(couple of breeze blocks in my car boot) , I felt so so low, i couldn't even cry. It wasn't just my dad, it was that and everything else. It's been over a year since i lost my family and I can still barely speak or think of them without an all crushing pain, it honestly knocks me over. I've been close to death a few times but never by my own hand. I held the rope in my hands for what felt like forever, the fibres cutting into my palm ans i played it round and round. After a little while I considered going through with it, what stopped me I honestly do not know. I'm just so tired of this, the ups and downs. I thought I was doing well, I hadn't looked at this kit for almost a month now. Christmas Day was when I last looked at it and really considered it. I would prefer to live without the Ups, they make the downs so much worse.  I'm not going to empty the console, somehow having an end so available and so close makes things easier, i don't have that option. I have so many others not just this. I just wish I could see them Make yourselves visible!  

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

January 22

This needs to end.  I mean this situation that is going on with me. This depression. I need an ending. I can't go on like this. My family can't go on like this.  A school nurse called me today to pick up my kid in the middle of the school day. She wasn't feeling allright. Two hours later her teacher emailed me about her recent mood swings. She is seven years old. She should be happy and carefree. The teacher wrote that my kid fights with her friends, refuses to participate, is either apathetic or overly enthusiastic and happy.  Sounds a bit too familiar...  She is reacting to my situation. I will talk with her later and email to her teacher but talking won't resolve this. I need to get better. I need to get off the bed. I need to be me and not a slave to my illness.  I am counting hours to a doctor's appointment. It's on Friday. I've been struggling and waiting for weeks. I need that ECT. It's the only treatment that has an immediate effect. Medication is important too but I need results now.  I've already taken blood tests and EKG. Everything was okay so no physical obstacles for ECT. It's now up to my psychiatrist. I need to convince her I need that ECT. My family needs that ECT.  I recieved ECT ten times on December. It helped a great deal. It helped with depression and anxiety and even took away hypomanic symptoms. I felt so much better during the treatment and a week after. I know the results won't last long. Depression came back as soon as ECT ended. Now, weeks after, anxiety and delusions are coming back. I've also had few hypomanic days. So I know it won't help long but I need couple of good weeks to get started with recovery process.  My sick leave is also coming to and end. I thought of asking three more months. That should cover recovery unless I can't fight off depression or will face a manic or mixed episode. I put all my hope in ECT. If I won't get the treatment, I don't know what to do. 

nhaar

nhaar

 

Operation Betta Rescue - Meet the Girls

Tea time update, Meet Opal and Lapis So I went out to see the Sorority Tank in action, some people do not understand how to deal with Fighting Fish. Of all the things that can happen most of these will take place in a Sorority Tank. Essentially the tank needs to be full of the strongest female, all of similar ages and sizes. As Betta's are a Matriarchal fish, a pecking order is established. However in a closed environment like an Aquarium there is often not enough room to establish territories and so lot and lots of fights break out. Now this is not an issue unless your fish start displaying warning signs. The most obvious of these is the stress stripe. I decided to take Lapis as she attacked everything,I watched for a solid 5 minutes. This fish did not stop attacking, she is so stressed out that I do not know what her actual body colour is. Thankfully since she is so aggressive her fins are in great shape.  Next I picked out Opal, she is tiny. When I thought she was a Juvenile I underestimated how young she is. Due to her small size she was at the bottom of the pecking order. Sadly the established territories were all above hers, so when she attempted to reach the water level for air she was attacked by all the other fish on the way up and on way back down. I think she maybe raised as part of a breeding experimentwith his own fish. No pet shop in the UK will sell her this young. After a brief explore she is currently resting on some plants, I am thinking of getting her an air stone as she doesn't seem keen on swimming yet.  This lack of understanding and not planning ahead for the possibility of things going wrong irritates me no end. The plus side is that I can fill my life with love of the adopted pets, the downside is that they have not always had this level of care. It upsets me a lot. Before anyone says anything, I am aware the tanks are small. I plan on rehoming these if at all possible so am looking at making some DIY Fish Tanks out of Drinks Dispensers, hat way I can rehome the fish in a tank I know is suitable to their needs. I'll just ask a donation for the materials Anyways onto the positives, introductions. Meet Opal (White Body, Red Fins) and Lapis (Zebra Striped, red and blue fins) I really look forward to seeing how these two develop (especially Lapis if she makes it) as I honestly have no idea what her colouration actually is.... hopefully in a few days to a week I shall find out. Apologies for so many fish posts and talks. I cant talk about this. Feelings takes a bit more work

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

Operation Betta Rescue - Why always Me?

So as some of you may know I love Tropical Fish, especially the Fighting Fish Betta Splendens. I frequently rescue/foster injured/Sick/Young Betta's from a particular Aquatic store near me, they do not allow returns but will post adverts for rehoming. I am well known there and get phone calls and messages from other customers or the shop when they have a fish in need. So this morning while I was at work I got a phone call from said shop that there is someone within the area who has tried to Keep a Sorority of Females. I have attempted this before a few years ago, I had 7-9 Females in a 40 Gallon tank, sadly this tank has long since gone in multiple downsizes and house moves. From what i hear there are up to 7 Females that need assistance, they have the fish in a 15 Gallon. Slightly too small in my opinion for the amount that they have, so I am going out this evening after work to have a look at the fish and the tank. Without seeing the fish and the tank I think that I should ready myself for 2 females. The two most aggressive. Betta Females work on a Matriarchal system so by taking two worst bully and worst bullied from the tank should lessen the stress on the entire system. .  Anyway the fish attached is the worst bully, Lapis. Followed by the worst Bullied Opal, both Extremely stressed fish.(Opal is a juvenile and should not be in a Sorority) So Since this morning's phone call I have dug out some of my spare small tanks at work and am cycling them ready for new occupants. I need to pop out at Lunch to pick up some supplies such as Aquarium Foam (for a divider), I need to also have a look around at drinks dispensers, mini heaters and air stones for the possibility of  more temporary housing into self made DIY Pico Jungle Jars. I think that I should be able to make a bunk/rack out of these to house another two fish at the cost of £20.00 each (BIG SAVING), these tanks aren't great but it'll be better than their current residence. On the up side I can use these Pico Jars as Propagation Tanks for my plants by placing them on  window sills encourages the aquatic plants to grow. I hope that I don't have new fish but from the sounds of it, i will do. I already feel stretched as it is, but speaking to a few people they maybe interested in taking the whole system (Fish, Tank, Hater, Air Stone, Plants) This is not the update that I planned to write, I was very down and very low this morning. Since the phone call it is almost like a call to life. I seem like me again. I can think clearly, probably because I need to act and not consider myself or my feelings. Whatever works eh?    

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

Polish your shoes, when the world ends

Things aren't easy right now.   Kind of spent most of today white-knuckled trying not to end it.   I feel pretty poorly about myself, and I've done everything I can to try and remind myself that I'm not that bad. I've done a lot of very good things for a few people recently, I know there's a lot of appreciation there, but it doesn't matter. Logic doesn't matter in this. I am the worst human being on the face of the Earth, and I make the immediate assumption that everyone in the room instinctively wants to end me just to get rid of me. It's really hard crossing a street, when you're absolutely certain that every driver wants to run you over on a basic instinctual level. But you control your breath, and keep moving forward. It's also really hard holding down a relationship when you're certain that anything that isn't abject hate is a lie. But same story right, you have to work through it. One step at a time.   Still, I've always a policy for times like this. When the world ends, you polish your shoes. Go back to basics, pick a simple task that you can accomplish and get it right. We'll build the world on that small start. But I've got to be honest, I'm not up to even something that simple right now. Right now, it's just time to grab a strong drink and hang on to what strength is left. First ten minute break in this though, and I'll be polishing my shoes. Tomorrow, we build on that.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Life is Far Too Short

On the heels of my last entry, I am reflective about the shortness and fragility of life. I just lost another friend out of the blue. I've lost many people in my life to illness and/or sudden tragedy. Every time I lose someone, it makes me reflective. And I realize how precious and short life truly can be, as cliche as that is to say. We never know what's going to happen or when we may go. It could be tomorrow, it could be years from now.  Life is far too short to hold onto pettiness, grudges and anger. Life is far too short to spend it being unhappy and miserable. My aim is to be happy -- always and no matter what is going on around me. I want to live my life to the fullest and enjoy every precious moment I have.  I am not ready to go yet. I want to live and I want to live a long life. I have much more to do, to see and accomplish. I have many more adventures to go on. I pray my fiance remains healthy and lives a long life with me. I want to grow old together. But I realize that something could happen that would change absolutely everything. Life can be turned upside down at the flip of a dime. So cherish your loved ones, let go of grudges and forgive others, be happy, live in the moment and soak it up for all it's worth. It's never going to come around again, this moment in time. It is to be cherished, valued and appreciated. This moment is all we have. Right now. Life is short. RIP Jon. 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

My Ginko Biloba Experiment

I was testing the Ginko Biloba that I used to take in high school.... I was trying it as a night-time remedy for remembering my dreams.

Indeed, I did remember them. However, there were a few things that made it all worse.   Anger and irritability: It caused me to be more angry and irritable upon waking. It lasted til the early evening. Not good. Sweating: I have hyperhidrosis already, but it made the sweating even more worse. Very Vivid Dreams: My dreams were so vivid that I woke in panic. I did remember them in very clear detail. However, a few days afterwards, it was as if I had not even taken it as I did not remember my dreams as well a few days later and like right now, I remember them but it's just not as clear as when I first woke up. Very Severe Headaches: I began to get 'splitting' headaches after taking this. I woke up with the headaches.

I'm sorry I don't have much else to say about this, but I thought it would be important to document it. One of you guys asked to see how my experiment went. I tried this for about 7 days. I began to notice the anger/irritability, sweating, dreams and headaches about the second or third night. And in coming out of a dream, I saw, with my eyes closed, what looked like broadcast circles that were above me "giving me the dream". It made me become a little paranoid, I was thinking I was either being given the dreams from a broadcast satellite by the government or maybe being cursed by a witch, because I dreamed of witches in my dreams; I also had a series of continuing dreams upon waking, going back to sleep, and waking again, then sleeping again. If I think of anything else to say about this, I'll make a new blog post about it. I hope this helps someone, anyone 🙂   Edit note: Also I began taking my antipsychotic medication in the mornings, and I have noticed being more irritable with it than when I take it at night. So the irritability may come from the morning dose of the antipsychotic.

Jamark8

Jamark8

 

Going out Part 2 - the reckoning

I probably feel asleep at around 1am last night, not bad for me sometimes its later occasionally its earlier. Anyway about 4am I hear a braying on my door. I get up and answer it and it's a very drunk S and Z. S has lost her keys and cant get in. Z has work in a few hours so cant stay there.  So Z puts S into a spare set of my slobs ( t shirt and pj bottoms) and puts her in my bed. We chat for a bit then Z leaves. S wakes up around about 4 and bolts to the toilet. I hold her hair out the way, I give her reheated take out and try and get her to drink water. We chat for a long time and she gets a couple of hours between 5 and 7. We got through her bag and yup no keys. I have picked up some generally bad skills over the years and used those to get into her flat and open the door.  So now its 3pm. My sleep pattern is royally ****ed and I have work tomorrow. Why do I allow these things to happen? The idea of this was to attempt to simplify things and now I feel like I stepped into a whole new realm of drama. I'm tired I'm now alone. Thankfully

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

Going out - Not bad, not bad at all

I just got in from a quick evening out, a couple of girls on my floor were going out for the night. Both lovely and I had a nice couple of hours chatting and laughing. Both were dressed up to the nines so was clear that they're out for the whole night. We have S who is like a monkey with a miniature symbol that is powered exponentially. Honestly like 100 words a minute constantly. Hilarious but exhausting. Next is Z, honestly beautiful. I don't know if this happens to you but they smile and you feel unworthy. Really down to earth and a wicked sense of humour.  We briefly chatted about me moving in, when it started to seem like it would get awkward the topic changed to something naturally lighter. It was nice, natural and relaxed. I seemed like me, the me I liked, it's like the last 5 years never happened for a few hours. So the evening wore on and I noticed people getting more and more wrecked and decided to call it a night. Despite the pleadings of the girls I left and I just got in and feel that maybe leaving early was a mistake. I was having a good night, I didnt feel uncomfortable but decided to quit while I was ahead. Medative thought for the day: Does alcohol still control me if I have sworn it off?

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

Sadness ~ Lost a Friend

Just learned that the bass player of our favorite local band died suddenly. He was maybe 30 years old. If it weren't for his band, me and my fiance never would have met or fallen in love. I am SO sad. I'm in shock -- we all are. The wake is Monday and the whole family of friends will be there. This is unbelievably sad. We even talked with him about playing at our wedding party. 😢

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

What a night.

I woke up this morning in a very strange place, it took a few minutes to realise where I was and fear and sadness crashed into me with the knowledge that I had moved out. I pushed it aside and got up, used the punch bags around the house, showered and fed Ouro. I've been up and about shopping for bed linens, duvets, pillows, towels, pans and baking trays you know everyday stuff that I didn't have. Met one of my neighbours on my way back in. Apparently the people on the floor have a get together on a monthly basis and I've been invited to the next gathering. I got a few weeks yet before that. She seems very nice and very animated and our conversation left me exhausted.  I didn't expect to feel so low so soon  

Ratvan

Ratvan

1st Entry - Big Changes.

Hi all, I plan on making this as realistic and as brutally honest as I can. I need to know how I feel and look back and reflect on this. I'm trying to avoid rose tinting and negativity. Subgetivity is the key. **a prefix. When I get angry or passionate my written language mirrors my spoken language. So if you cant read my dialect please let me know and I'll try and change it. I know we have people whose native language is not english** So tonight is the first night in over 11 years that I have been alone. I've been in my studio flat for about 2 hours now and have everything of mine inside and the essentials unpacked.  1st thoughts are "f#@k me I need to get some soft furnishings". So after laughing, probably sounding insane to my neighbours. Instantly it strikes me that I have nothing to make my life comfortable. I need a bed sheet set, new towels, pillows, and probably more stuff will crop up.  I basically took my clothes, Ouro complete with tank, phone and some of my hobbies that have been packed away for years. Thankfully the apartment is furnished. And I cleaned the place top to bottom yesterday. It took about 4 hours.  For those wondering, Ouro has settled in perfectly although he does need a rest from the stress. So managed to picture him as he was doing just that. Love this little guy, when I rescued him his fins were so damaged and severely bitten. If you look carefully near his body (bullet shape) you can see where his scars are (at the edge of the ridges) also his dorsal fin was missing completely apart from a bare ridge. He was very very close to death. That was 3 months ago now. He reminds me that no matter how bad things get it is possible to recover. I love this guy. He is my 3rd betta and look forward to many food years. So I don't have TV or Internet yet so have got the time and the space to think about what I write here. I love Megan to pieces, this is the hardest thing that I have done to date as I feel like at the moment I am blocking myself off from the small amount of joy I get in my life. But we are not happy and I need to do this for me. This is a short break, we don't plan on contact unless an emergency arises. We're meeting up in a neutral place in 3 weeks to chat.  Just needed to get the objective of this down, it will help me keep everything in perspective. Well that's the plan anyway. My next task for the night is to set up my punch bags. Then go for a run in the snow, workout for a bait, Ouro time, shower, use tea towels to dry myself, sleep with a coat blanke! Medative thought for tonight. I need to look forward more than I look back. 

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

January 18

I am sharing a photo today. I am not expecting 'likes' or comments. If I wanted those I would have shared the photo on Fb or Instagram. But I didn't.  The reason I wanted to share my picture is that it made me think a lot today about how we control what kind of a picture we want to give other people about our lives.  You know I haven't been well for a long time. Yesterday was a disaster but today is better. I believe that how you start your day will determine the rest of your day. I should use that more only if I had strenght to do so.  Anyways, I forced myself to do something I haven't done much lately - to take care of myself. I washed my face, brushed my hair and put on make-up to feel pretty. From the outside I turned to a different person. That got me thinking how deceiving the looks can be. I mean would you have guessed the girl in the picture wrote a s*icide letter yesterday? Would you believe she has scars of selfharm all over her body? That she couldn't get off the bed yesterday and hasn't brushed her teeth for three days?  If I posted the picture in social media I wouldn't use hastags like #depression #mentalillness #bipolar or #selfharm. No, I would use hastags like #happy #friday #finnishgirl and no-one would ever know the truth. I am grateful for all those people who has courage to work for mental illness awareness. I am not brave. I share pretty picture and fool everybody. That's what I do.  You can't make assumptions by how a person looks like. We all wear masks and decide how much we show. Some are braver than others. Someone who looks nice outside could be struggling everyday for her/his life.  How much do you reveal? 

nhaar

nhaar

 

Example

I want to be strong. I want to get through this, like it was nothing. Too many people that I love have been falling down over these past few years. I guess the people I get closest to tend to push limits, and that results in some pretty impressive downfalls. This has bothered me for a long time, and when at my best I think of building my company to a point where I can employ people like this. Give some security, a net that will catch them. And the empathy to know what it's like. And the support to shoot for the ****ing stars when life swings that way. It's a whimsical idea, but I think I'll get there soon enough. I want  to be the guy who did amazing things, and who does them routinely day to day, like it's nothing, and did it with burdens no one knew about. I want to make myself an example to those I love, that things can be done and that our limits are far beyond where we think they are.   Then I fall down so low that survival is a ****ing horrific fight from hour to hour. It's messy and it's ugly and I don't know if I can keep my head above the water. It's hard, and I've gotten to a point where I know I can't take this weight alone. But I'm not capable of sharing my burden, because that's not who I am. Work out, work, be good to be people, sleep, wake up and go again. I guess I've proven that as hard as it's been I have been capable of keeping that up, so maybe I need to improve my diet a bit, and get out a bit more. Every inch in the right direction counts, and if I keep taking another inch then maybe getting through this will seem achievable, someday soon.  

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Dilemma over wedding dress!

I can’t make up my mind! I’m browsing but I already own a near perfect dress for a beach wedding. All traditional styles don’t suit me. I found a few online I fell in love with, but I can’t buy it online, even with it custom made, can I?? I’m just in a dilemma and am not sure what I want!  Here's the headpiece I may wear! And the dress! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Failure & Other Things I Do Alot....

I think I fell through a time warp yesterday..... Am I the only one who has those pop up randomly?  Somehow I didn't get much done except reading and messing around online.                       I didn't even look at reports and stuff from here that really need attention.  And, I didn't go walking either.  So my first week of having to walk three days a week, and I failed. I'm wondering if I need to revise my schedule back some.  It's so hard to make myself do things, even things I end up enjoying somewhat as or after I do them.  What is up with that, by the way?  I mean, really, WTAF (What The Actual F*ck?).   You would think that, oh, I don't know, enjoying something to even a mild degree would be enough motivation to do it.  But no.  Not idiot me.  I'm tired of always feeling like a failure, and always only seeing my mistakes even when others say I've done well. And my anxiety over this mistake I made at work is getting more difficult to control. I've had to wait about two weeks to talk to the appropriate people & 'own up', and I don't do well when that happens.   If it weren't for the anxiety  meds, I'd be probably at a solid 3.5 out of 5 right now on the Richter Scale of Anxiety/Panic.  5 is a solid severe panic attack that makes me think I'm having a heart attack.  1 is normal, 'gotta get to work on time & remember to pay that bill today' anxiety.  I'm working really hard to hold it down to a 2.5 - I think that's why it's been so difficult to motivate to walk.  Even though walking helps my anxiety - sort of.  My earbuds don't work right, so I can't listen to Gojira like I usually do, and so my mind wanders and the walk tends to end up as an anxiety session.  Earbuds are cheap, but I'm not worth spending money on.  I barely even spend money on getting myself a haircut or hairstyle twice a year, and trust me, my hair needs a trim or taming at least every other month.  I have long, frizzy, crazy-cat-lady hair right now.  But when I think about taking a shower, or styling my hair, it just feels like climbing Mount Everest.  You know?  I don't go in for all that girly stuff like makeup and styles and painted nails, and I never have. It's sort of a combo of not feeling attached to my own body and caring more about my thought life than my real life.  I know that explanation s*cks, but it's the best I can do.  Like anyone really cares, anyway.  I write because maybe someone out there will think 'Thank God I'm not the only one'.       
 

New year, some anxiety

I made a new post for New Years 2019 but lost it 😕. It talked about my gains ( paleo diet, work enjoyment, zero shopping/browsing  except food,  hygge nook,  feeling close with sisters, enjoying cats, reading books more, added dancing to ukulele at Norfolk, cannabis oil, Kondo Mari method, political engagement, Netflix, cut cable, Apple Music, bullet journaling didn’t last but it was a good exercise, especially the daily chore list - it’s given me a base to get back to when I get off track (which I do)  it gives me that feeling of moving forward albeit slowly when I’m at a low point. Routine, routine is my new mantra.  My diet is routine too.  Morning meds, coffee then juice then eggs, need to find a good afternoon snack besides cheese and endurance crackers, easy suppers that last 3meals.  Lots of meal prep. this routine business is good in many ways but I’m cutting myself off from social activities which also has its drawbacks.  I seem to be looking for the perfect schedule 😐 plots of good stuff but feeling anxiety about management at work, especially missing pay.  Need to resolve, hate confrontation and am wondering why they are making this difficult for me. On purpose?  This sort of thing brings me down from my feelings of well being.  Makes me think the doctor that said I have problems with stress(wish I could find that piece of paper she gave me- can’t remember the term she used) anyhow, I am procrastinating on resolving.  Feeling the stress in my stomach.  And then mad at myself for being so weak 👿 up and down, up and down. This is when I feel as if I don’t have a chemical imbalance, it’s more about my inability to navigate normal stress. also worrying about money again and feel like I need to get second job.  Just typing that makes me anxious 😟  Was feeling great about lifestyle until I wasn’t.  It all comes crashing down sooner or later.  I feel I have it together finally ( this is it - true happiness and then bam) low energy, lots of time indoors, partly because of cloudy weather. Enjoying hygge but also feel guilty.  Good day,bad day ...more like good minute, bad minute ...  

iconundrum

iconundrum

 

January 12

My life is ugly. Cooking a dinner was my only achievement today. That was too almost an impossible task. Just like getting off a bed. I sat there on a stool in front of a stove because I was simply too weak to stand.  While I sat there and waited the dinner cooking I explored a fridge door. Lots of hideous souvenir magnets: New York, Barcelona, Washington DC, London, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Alanya and a Cruise liner to Stockholm. Most of them feel like forever ago and most of them are. Was that really my life back then? How different things are now.  The hideous souvenir magnets are holding lot of papers. The papers of my chaotic life. My life truly is in chaos right now. Three schedules of all my kids, some dental papers, kids' appointments, an old family photo and some coupons. All my life there pinned on the fridge door, past and now. Happy moments and chaos.  I stir my cooking and study my left palm. I find some deep lines. I remember they all have a name but the only one I can recall is Life Line. I'm not sure which one is the Life Line. Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? I grasp a knife from a dishwasher. The knife is shiny and quite new. Also sharp. I've hold a knife before like this. Wanting and thirsting. I press the tip of the knife on my left palm and make a cut, a new Life Line. There is so little life in me righ now, I need another Life Line. I don't actually believe in that sh*t. I just wanted to feel a steel blade cut my skin. Simply as that.  I watch the blood. It's magnetic. The cut is more like a scratch. It won't leave a scar. It will heal quickly like it never was there. The kids are behind a wall in a living room. My husband is behind other wall in a shower. I sit on the stool in a messy kitchen string the food and looking at my new Life Line. Nothing moves inside me. I don't feel. This is my life today.   

nhaar

nhaar

 

Something needed to talk about; Food and Weight; More incense; Magazine; Joy

I'm embarrassed to talk about this, but hoping I can get into one of the forums here to talk about some stuff going on in my life right now that needs to be dealt with before it gets worse. So funny, and ironic, that there's nothing online about it unless you pay (forums included) so I wonder... if it's such a problem among people, why is there no help out there for free?

I ate spaghetti tonight. And ate too much. My stomach is almost distinted (however you spell it) because of it. Lately I've been out of what so terribly. I haven't been walking like usual; I haven't been eating my fruits enough. I've had a problem with something that I cannot talk about right here right now, yet. I feel like I'm gaining weight after I tried so hard to lose it.

I've been freezing my pop drinks all day today. Sam's cola, then Mountain citrus (Like Pepsi and Mountain Dew except 3 dollars less). I've had to pee a lot today too. But I guess that's good. Keep it flowing. Mom bought me some grapes the other day and they weren't due to be old until tomorrow, but yesterday they were molded and pussed. Gross. We paid $4.22 for them. Got 'em at IGA. I guess I'll have to go to Kroger or Walmart for them then. IGA's stuff is gone yuck. I like to dip my fruits in the cream cheese fruit dip. It's so good, but I must use it wisely, not put as much on my fruits as I have been. It'll cause me to gain even more weight.

I'm burning Egyptian Musk and Nag Champa incenses now. I got a new burner in the mail today. It's huge! It fits about 15 sticks at once, if you wanted to use all of it, but I wouldn't do that. Not in a small area. I usually use two at a time, and sometimes mix the scents, as long as they go together.

Found a magazine online that I wanted to get in print form. However, I thought it would be once a month and it's only quarterly. I paid $19.99. I should have made sure how many I'd get first. I guess it would be like paying $5.00 a magazine, now. Oh well. It's called Light of Consciousness. It's a New-Age type magazine with lots of stuff about Yoga and meditation.

Today I felt a sense of JOY most of the day. Usually I only feel the JOY for about 2 seconds, then it leaves me in sorrow and despair again. I don't know what's different, but I think the Universe is keeping the bad away from me. I noticed I rarely time-travelled today (going mentally into past or future). Maybe that's why. I need to stay and be present at all times. *CLAP* Present!!

I hope everyone's doing okay/good. I tried to upload a video on my other post's comments, but it hasn't been approved by a moderator yet. I thought it would just bring some smiles for you guys.

Thank you all for being here. Remember, you are loved and needed. NO matter what your feelings tell you. I'll notice if you're ever gone. Trust me. You are loved and needed, always.

Jamark8

Jamark8

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