What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
I had a general idea of what might characterize a good playlist and I solicited opinions from several sources to help me form a criteria:
Should be music I like – OK that's pretty obvious
Shouldn't be songs I'm already emotionally attached to – I'm not trying to relive good or bad times
Songs must have no lyrics in a language I know – I want to avoid fixating on subject matter
Favor shorter tracks over longer ones – at least until I know what works and I can always replay a track
Minimalist with repetitive refrains – lesson learned from orchestral music and audio distortion. Repetitive because it is meant to enhance not distract
Drop in a song that cues a relaxation response – a message from sober-me to Ketamine-intoxicated me that says, “Hey whatever is going on right now, know that you're going to be OK - oh and by the way, here's a funny little inside joke.”
My playlist included a lot of ambient music drawn from TV, movie and video game soundtracks that I liked but hadn't yet worn out from excessive playback. Most of the music seemed uplifting to me. For the inside-joke song, I chose “Where Is My Mind” by the Pixies, a piano-only version with no lyrics. One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands, I figured I ought to recognize it no matter where my mind had flown to.
Music Changes The Context
The auditory distortions lent an amusing and playful quality to the music and I began to feel joyful, even ecstatic at times. I was aware that I was experiencing the euphoric quality connected with Ketamine and able to lose myself in it while also reflecting upon how long it'd been since I'd felt this good.
When the music changed, the experience changed with it and I felt a small tug of regret that I hadn't included even more happy songs which might prolong this euphoric feeling. I was going to fumble with my iPod buttons to replay the previous selection (no easy task due to the numbness and visual distortion) but then it came to mind that although it was a really pleasant experience, a journey is defined by more than a single experience. The thought gave me tacit permission to let it go. The soft notes of “Where Is My Mind" drifted into my ears and a small smile spread upon my lips.
Next up - dissociative experience and treatment after-effects
having 4 days off from work made it painfully obvious how lonely i am. I was so bored. i was getting sick of just hanging out with my parents.
for years i tried so hard for the friends and boyfriend with no luck. then i was told that it will happen when it will happen and stop trying so hard....so i stopped. i stopped chasing people in general. and well, now, ive become a very extremely lonely individual. i guess a family was just never in my cards.
im so sick of coming home to an empty house, sitting at the kitchen table and looking up and seeing no one. no conversation, the quietness is stifling. im sick of my daily walks by myself. im just sick of my life. its not fair. i tried so hard for so long to not let the depression k*ll me, i held on so tight and for what? a life of solitude? I kept telling myself things would get better, that i would get thru this, that i shouldnt off myself and just look where all that got me. not only did life not get better but it managed to get worse...everyone moved on, progressed with their lives and here you are, alone still struggling.
i cry myself to sleep and yet still tell myself that maybe someday everything will be ok. why? lets face it, this is it. this is as good as it gets. this life is clearly a punishment for something. This must be gods plan, as ive asked, begged, and pleaded for a chance to be a mom.
ive gone to being numb to just being angry at everything. im sick of being patient, im mad, at myself, at god, at life, at this crappy numbing daily routine. i hate my life, i just hate it, i hate myself for creating it. no matter how i look at it....i should of k*lled myself when i had the chance and wouldnt have to deal with all this, or i should of done a better job of fighting the depression and not losing my life to it and causing my life to be this way.
I know it's useless to think like this, but there are some moments...many moments... when I wish I could find my rewind button. Or reset. Or fast forward. I'm not really sure.
My world turned upside down this year, and now that it's right side up, I have so many regrets. I'm happy enough to leave them in the past, determined never to repeat them, but reminders keep popping up. Not just reminders but actual events and situations that cause me to relive all of my pain.
I cannot make it stop. If it's not my memories that crop up in quiet times and when I try to sleep, then it's messages and photos and books bought at someone's suggestion. It's remembering when someone brought me lunch every time I walk to the front door. It's stretches of highway. It's my dear hometown where I used to tool around with my friends after school. It's my art. It's a name. It's many names. It's physicality, words, actions.
I know that I wasn't myself; I don't regret that. I couldn't help it, try as I might. I regret how that part of my history continues to rear it's ugly head and disrupt my current world. I regret how I did things that I wouldn't have done if not for the throes of a particularly painful and debilitating episode of depression. I regret losing myself.
At the time, I thought I was making progress and establishing a life. I see now how truly ****ed up I was. Which version of me is more true? I don't even care. I want the life that I have now to continue to grow. And I want my peace and freedom back. I do not know how to destroy that which threatens my sanity.
It was the chaos of the unknown that frightened her most. Why wouldn’t she speak, when there was much to say? This was to be the tipping point, from security to deep uncertainty. Into the chaotic unknown, she fell.
She saw him shaking. She felt his heart. She knew.
That was enough, she thought.
That was too much.
I have a big to-do list right now. I have to buy snow tires, investigate wedding/honeymoon options, buy a new mattress for the bed, buy my dad a bday present and prepare for a work presentation... all this weekend and next.
The honeymoon/wedding planning is actually a fun task and I am very excited to get going on this. I contacted a wedding planning company yesterday. Hopefully they won't charge an arm and a leg for their services, but after researching the options, it would be far easier to have someone coordinate all the details for us. We want to go to the Caribbean in April. That's about how long it will take to save for our vacation.
And the rest? I got a good start on my work presentation. Today I will buy the bday present, and tomorrow we are shopping for a mattress. Oh yeah, and we need to buy thick plastic to cover the cracks in our windows so the cold air doesn't leak in.
Tonight we're staying in a hotel because my fiance's back is hurting too much from our broken mattress. It lasted a year -- that's it! He paid $500 for a piece of junk, so we're going to have to shell out at least $1600 for a good mattress. Oh well. We're putting it on a credit card for now since we're saving for the honeymoon. C'est la vie, that's life.
I really cannot wait to go on vacation. I haven't had a REAL one in something like 15 years... I cannot even remember the last time I took a vacation. I want a romantic wedding, too, just the two of us. I hope the wedding planning company is a good one that can help pull together something magical for us. We'll see. It's all very exciting!
On that note, I should get going with my day! Cheers.
Has it been three weeks, eh? Who cares anymore.
It's been a good day after, well, not so good day. Yesterday was pretty rough. All I could think of was go onto tracks and get hit by a train. Train - easy access and doesn't fail you.
Today I found some meaning in life so I decided to live. At least this one day. See if tomorrow will be different.
ECT hasn't started yet. Maybe Monday they said. Maybe. I am little nervous about anesthesia and had the first nightmare last night. On the other hand, if things don't go right that's just a favor for me. An easy way out. They will be giving me the treatment 6 to 12 times, three times a week. That's a lot of anesthesia. Well it's light and very short but anyway it's making me nervous.
Have a great weekend, I try, too, to stay alive.
I Wanna Feel Everything
You know the feeling of not having had enough sleep. Reduced cognition, lack of alertness and awareness, all the soft-headed sensations. I suffer from chronic insomnia so that's my baseline most days but on this day adrenaline from the 2 mile walk and anticipation of getting the needle compensated. I met with the doctor and nurse and they explained the procedure and answered my many questions. They took vitals, then put me in a soft leather reclining chair and placed a blood pressure cuff on my arm and an O2 saturation/pulse monitor on a finger before undertaking the tortuous task of sticking me. Thankfully, the nurse was very competent and managed to get the catheter into a cooperative vein after only two tries. I have needle phobia so this process sucked more and took a lot longer than it should've.
I didn't bring a companion with me so they asked if I'd like someone to stay by my side and I replied that it didn't really matter to me; do what you do. The nurse informed me that most patients cover their eyes with a sleep mask and their ears with noise-canceling headphones playing music during infusion, it makes for a more inward experience and it's generally more relaxing. Nope, I said. I wanted to be aware of my surroundings so that I could collect all the information I could about the experience. To my thinking, if Ketamine was an effective treatment for depression then it shouldn't matter and since this was my first of six infusions, why not make it a sort of controlled experiment.
I'd come to regret that.
What followed was alot of self-monitoring which certainly didn't make the experience enjoyable. Without distractions, my ever-chatty anxiety was with me in each moment, narrating every perceived drug effect – light nausea, anesthetic numbness and the heavy tongue feeling that gives you. If you've been given Novocaine for a dental procedure you know what I mean. Ketamine is an analgesic so that part is actually nice, any soreness or pain in my body was totally masked. However, this was very different from my recreational drug experiences, I wasn't prepared for the strength of the anesthetic sensation and this and my constant body-monitoring was making me uncomfortable. Five or ten minutes into the infusion, I wondered with some apprehension how strong these effects were going to get. My eyes kept drifting to the IV stuck in my hand.
I began to smell and taste rubber although none was in or around my face, kinda strange(1). I got the doctor's attention and asked him some random question about Transmagnetic Stimulation, or TMS. I wasn't really interested in it, just wanted to try speaking and I think I was also a little scared. I desired an intellectual moment for some semblance of normalcy, The doctor kindly declined my invitation to discuss it and gently suggested that I relax into the experience.
The blood pressure cuff attached arm to my arm constricted every 5 minutes. I used it as a reminder to shift my attention to my breathing so that I wouldn't allow anxiety control the entirety of my awareness.
About 15 minutes into the infusion, things started to get kinda weird.
I'd brought some music with me, Brandenburg Concerto by JS Bach so I decided to listen. This is orchestral music so, lots of instruments playing harmoniously in a precisely composed piece but under the influence of Ketamine, it sounded as if the orchestra was playing in an underground parking structure. Ketamine distorts sounds by giving them a flanging(2) and/or a stuttering effect – which you might be familiar with if you've ever taken Nitrous Oxide. That didn't work well with classical music and after a few tracks I pulled out the earbuds.
I heard the fussing of a young child that seemed to be coming from the hallway outside the door to the treatment room but I wasn't sure if it was real or hallucinatory (turns out it was real). The sound was distorted, stretching into a wail, then stuttering. The noise wasn't bothersome, it was like an anchor to reality and it also called to mind pleasant memories of playfulness as a child.
At about the midpoint of the infusion, things started to get really weird.
Time Perception Distortion/Dilation
I observed the doctor and nurse standing at the foot of my chair looking over some papers attached to a clipboard. I perceived their perfectly still bodies in a kind of frozen, timeless moment that I'll try to describe: they're standing there (at this present moment), they were there - but it was some time ago (like an afterimage) and they will be standing there (the moment is yet to happen). My brain is perceiving and processing all three temporal states as happening in the moment they're observed.
Now, that is some kinda freaky so I'm going to attempt an awkward and inadequate analogy.
Imagine you're observing a pendulum in motion with a strobe light behind it flashing at quick intervals. As you watch it swing, you can't determine at any given moment if it's at it's equilibrium point in the center or in one of many points along it's trajectory. Vision reports to your brain from moment to moment that the pendulum is simultaneously at rest and oscillating.
This perceptual distortion brought with it no feeling of dissonance or anxiety for me, I'm familiar with this effect from my recreational experiences with psychedelic drugs. I regard the event as an “a-ha” moment: were we not creatures forever trapped in linear time, I imagine this is how we might perceive our world.
Some time later though impossible to know how long, I noticed the doctor sitting on a stool by my chair. I probed my feelings, did I feel scrutinized or uncomfortably exposed/vulnerable? No. I self-soothed anyways by acknowledging that it's comforting to know I was being cared for and should anything at all go wrong, there is no safer place I could be than here. I don't see him leave but the doctor vanishes. I probed my feelings again – did I feel lonely? No.
When looking directly at the faces of the doctor and nurse, they appeared elongated or misshapen. This is not the same as a visual hallucination because the external stimulus is actually there. The effect is similar to passing a lens over a photograph, but in three dimensions. I decided it's unpleasant so I looked away.
Completed Infusion And After-effects
For the remainder of the infusion I felt fairly calm despite near-constant monitoring of my body and the drug's effects. I didn't experience any emotional distress, no symptoms of my MDD manifested. My anxiety, whenever it felt present, as felt far away which is strange for me. Anxiety returned at the end if the infusion when the IV machine began to beep and a red light atop the unit began flashing. While the still semi-aware observer in me understood this indicated that the infusion was complete my anxiety, always up to the task of distorting my thoughts, informed me that a red flashing light never, EVER indicates anything good. I was mindful of how silly that sounded and regarded it with mild amusement.
I'd read about Ketamine being a dissociative anesthetic with out of body experiences, commonly referred to in the literature as depersonalization, being a side-effect. One study even suggests the dissociative features of Ketamine might predict a greater antidepressant response(3). Well, there was no dissociative episode in my first infusion which wasn't a let-down, I think. I didn't want the first one to be too overwhelming and I went into it with a view towards collecting information rather than seeking a specific experience.
The nurse informed me she was hanging a saline bag and that I had completed my first transfusion. I felt a sense of pleasure and relief knowing that I had completed the therapy without serious incident. When she spoke she used a lot of hand gestures, which really seemed helpful in that it facilitated communication, I was still very intoxicated. It also conveyed a sort of gentleness and openness - as if careful word choice and sweet intonation could not be trusted to do so alone. Her hand movements left vague trails which I recognized as mild hallucinations. The executive function of my brain seemed to be “waking up” and I was surprised by just how quickly the drug effects seemed to leave my system once the saline flush began.
15 minutes later, the doctor met with me to ask about how I felt and if I felt any change in my mood. I was slightly disappointed to report that I didn't feel an elevation in mood or could report some definitive, significant change in my condition. He explained that only a small number of patients do after their first infusion and referred me to the Ketamine Advocacy Network web page to read more about the therapy and what to expect in the infusions to come.
A family member picked me up and drove me to her house for lunch. I was super hungry and devoured the meal. In the middle of a casual conversation with her, I realized that I felt more “like me” than I had in a year - it's hard to explain the feeling. Afterwards, I felt I had enough energy to walk the 2 miles home. As soon as I arrived I got to work on a musical playlist for my next infusion and realized I was feeling excitement at actively working on shaping the Ketamine therapy. I paused just long enough to acknowledge that I hadn't been excited about about a damn thing in over a year.
I was able to fall asleep with some ease around 1am.
The next post will be about my second infusion which happened the following afternoon and did include a dissociative event. I'll write about how I believe I changed the context of the Ketamine trip using music as a guide and to cue a particular response.
(1) I asked an Anesthesiologist if he could explain the rubbery taste and smell. He said strange tastes and odors can be rare after-effects of general anesthesia but he'd never heard of this in connection with Ketamine. I'd been put under with inhalation anesthetic for surgery before and it occurred to me that my first experience was when I was only 6 or 7 years old. Back then, anesthesia gas was delivered through rubber tubes. Did Ketamine's anesthetic sensations in my body trigger a sort of recollection of that taste?
(2) See Flanging in Wikipedia to listen to a sample of this sound effect.
(3) "Ketamine-Induced Dissociative Symptoms Predict Antidepressant Response", Psychiatry Advisor, May 17, 2018.
Make Me A Believer
I really hate indoctrination. But hey, any port in a storm, right? There are lots of reasons to be skeptical about Ketamine treatment but nevertheless, I decided to set aside my doubts and buy into the notion that it could help me rewire my brain. This began with accepting that depression had a physical impact on my brain, developing neural networks strengthened by frequent use which were rather unhealthy and I wanted to alter them. But how? I read up on neural plasticity and dendrite excitement, synaptic regeneration, even watched a boring video of a scan of a rat’s brain on Ketamine.
In doing this I was able to convince myself that the therapeutic value of the drug is not limited by how long it remains in the body. Rather, the lasting effects must have something to do with how patient and therapist can leverage the impact on neural networks in some manner that results in psychological transformation.
Just writing that makes me think of out-there “woo-woo” stuff and I admit, it sounds like a big reach. I probably misused some words because I lack the vocabulary to describe it in scientific terms so, just bear with me.
At bedtime, I was very anxious. I knocked back 100mg of Trazodone and crawled into bed hoping to get some rest. Moments later, the dynamic duo of Anxiety and Depression, like a pair of unwelcome pals at the local bar, pulled over a couple of chairs to count off the reasons I should dread tomorrow.
If you want a cheap laugh at my inner dialog with my two pals Anxiety and Depression, enjoy.
I got about 2 hours of sleep.
The list things you aren't allowed to do before infusion is long and crappy. You must fast for at least 10 hours. No liquids except water or plain tea. No Benzodiazepines, no Gabapentin. No alcohol. No drugs at all except for your antidepressant and necessities like allergy meds and stuff they think is OK.
I decided I would walk 2 miles to the clinic because I read that exercise does good stuff for the brain, blah, blah, blah would you just get on with the infusion story, pal? Ok...
I had a spiritual awakening in April 2018. Since then, I've been contacted and guided in my daily life. I constantly see repeating numbers. Certain groups of numbers. I also see flamingos. They're everywhere. But the way I know that the Universe is guiding me is the numbers. I'll happen to glance at the clock, and there is one of my many numbers. I see it on receipts too, and other places. Wherever there's a set of numbers, I'm certain I'll find mine.
I've also been led to this thing called The Universal Laws, and also The 7 Hermetic Principles, and The Law of Attraction. I'm constantly being guided and I notice things.. like I'll think about it, and someone will say it, or think about an event and it happens. I'll be writing in my home journal and have the tv on, then simultaneously, I'll write a certain word just as it is being spoken on tv.
C'mon. This is Synchronicity.
I also found a white feather with a beautiful golden brown tip. I found it on my night-stand. I have absolutely NOTHING with feathers on or in it. How did that feather get there? After I threw it away because I didn't think it was important... I see on a youtube video that "Feathers appear when angels are near".. and one of the signs is finding it in a strange place!
I know what being that The Source has sent to me. He visited me in my room many many years ago, and showed me many amazing things. He has not given up on me, even though I didn't acknowledge him for such a long time.
Ok I'm getting tired. I want to type more but I can't. I need sleep.
Family member: 'Family is family, you don't get to pick them.'
Me: 'I agree. But if this was an acquaintance or potential friend, I would have walked away years ago. Quite frankly I am done...
..I can only try so many times'.
My depression has become worse which you probably have guessed because of fewer diary posts.
The meds are no use but fortunately ECT starts on Friday or Monday. I am very releaved with this decision. ECT gives me little hope I need right now. I am basically totally hopeless and suicide thoughts have occupied my mind whether I like it or not. Also my dreams are all about death.
So that's the latest news. The ward continues...
Male, 48 years old at the time of this writing diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) treatment refractory and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Mental Illness runs in both sides of my family, my mother was diagnosed but her mom wasn't and while she died before I was born, by all accounts she was 32 flavors of effed up. For treatment, I've gone through the most popular categories in the antidepressant alphabet soup– SSRIs, NDRI, SNRI, Tetracyclic and Trycyclic experiencing zero relief even at maximum therapeutic doses and in various combinations. I experience periodic panic attacks for which I was prescribed Benzodiazepines. I have chronic insomnia and was given medications in the hypnotic class – which did not help - so until recently I self-medicating with Cannabis.
In addition to mental illness I have an autoimmune-related skin condition called Lichen Planus for which there is no understood cause or cure. It's characterized by an itchy rash that appears and spreads and then completely goes away whenever it wants. I'm also diagnosed with a rare inner ear disorder in my left ear known as Ménière's disease for which there is no cure or treatment and is characterized by hearing loss and sudden, random episodes of debilitating vertigo lasting 20 minutes to 8 hours.
Major Depression Strikes
I experienced bouts of depression throughout childhood and adolescence and two major depressive episodes in my adult life. The first major episode came in 2006 and followed a job loss and the end of 12 year relationship. For 4 years I felt like a ghost, isolating myself from family and friends unable to job hunt, unable to socialize apart from the online gaming community I'd thrown myself into.
One random day, I woke up angry at myself and my hopelessness and decided I needed help. Rather than seek it from a mental health professional, I bought some books on meditation and began practicing. I also started walking 2-5 miles everyday. Together, this seemed to work, I began to feel empowered and my symptoms went into partial remission. By then, I'd been out of the job market about 6 years so I chose volunteer work in my field of expertise which I did for a year before seeking and landing a new job. I started dating again and showed up to absolutely anything anyone invited me to, no matter how weird or uninteresting. I still experienced anxiety and insomnia but I managed. At that time I well feeling self-assured and so very proud of having beat depression, touting my “Meditation, not medication!” slogan to just about everyone I knew.
Yeah. Pride no longer follows the statement.
Major Depression Strikes back
My second major depressive episode happened in 2014. I don't even recollect if how exactly began, depression is such an insidious disease. I know my mental health deteriorated when I was fired from my job and undertook end-of-life care for my father, who was slowly dying of heart failure. At the urging of my partner who was taking antidepressants, I finally sought help from a psychiatrist. I was prescribed antidepressants, went to biweekly therapy and joined therapy group classes to address the depression and anxiety. I didn't respond to the drugs but the classes were kind of helpful. I had trouble digesting the information, difficulty concentrating and remembering what we covered. My psychiatrist followed a drug protocol, increasing dosage to therapeutic maximum or limits of my tolerance, then augmenting with another medication followed by tapering off before introducing a new class of antidepressants.
Despite the treatments and therapy, my mental health continued to slide. I became frequently irritable, frustrated and hopeless. I had emotional meltdowns and lashed out at family, friends and my partner. For more than a year, I sunk into severe depression with loss of even basic functionality. I couldn't leave my house and felt unable to respond to invitations, phone calls or texts. I went to couples counseling in addition to the other therapy work but it wasn't helping. I didn't feel that anything in my life had value, so I left the relationship. After that, I felt emotionally numb, experienced anhedonia which was followed by suicidal ideation.
You Want To Shoot Me Up With What?
I first learned of Ketamine treatment for depression from my therapist. Let me tell you that I consider myself a skeptic, which in terms of healthcare means, I need there to be peer-reviewed, science-based evidence if I'm to believe a treatment has any merit. There's so much utter nonsense out there – especially in California, where I live. I read whatever I could find about Ketamine but was underwhelmed by the body of evidence supporting it's efficacy in treating depression, unimpressed by testimonials (the plural of “anecdote” is not “evidence”)* and dismissive of articles in popular magazines which I deemed sensationalized.
I was honestly confused as to why any doctor would prescribe Ketamine treatment when it seemed they understood so little about the mechanism by which it treats depression.
And yet, Ketamine treatment is covered by my insurance and they actually have their own program going for treating their patients. Nevertheless, it still took me 6 months of agonizing, soul-crushing MDD symptoms from when I was initially recommended for the program until I finally agreed to participate.
The blog entries that follow are my experiences in the Ketamine treatment program starting with the first of 6 intravenous infusions, which began in June 2017.
so i attended a paint nite class. I dont like these types of crafts but im trying to get myself out there and attempt making my life not so lonely. there was about 20 woman there, and i kid you not....every single one was a mom and they literally all bonded over talking about the schools/teachers to sports and programs. and i literally felt so left out, I didnt know a single person. I made idle chit chat with the two people on either side of me, but i also felt like I was interfering on their time with their friends. it was awkward.
i remember a time when i used to hem and haw about being just a "back up" friend for certain people.....now sadly, i think I would welcome it. :/ im getting desperate.
i changed up my dating profile and have been giving more time to it...emailing others and what not...no response yet...although im not ready to explain why im almost 40 and havent been in a relationship....talk about loads of baggage.
anyways...my mom is getting worse depressed. her negative talk hurts to hear. she constantly says "lifes sucks" and talks about wishing she was dead. She made 3 mentions over this past weekend about not having grandkids. it wasnt directed at me personally, just in general it really really bothers her. (i totally understand how she feels)
so the only people in my life (my parents) are also unhappy. how do i fix this? where do i go from here? how do i make things better? how do i have a normal life?
If you only knew that you are not alone. There are so many suffers that are
going through the same kind of things that you are, but the world will never
know because so many people are afraid of what somebody might say about
them or what someone might think about them. But if the truth be told we are
all suffers and we are all making adjustments on how to live from day to day,
So, that we can learn how to live the best life that we can live under the
circumstances that we are faced with on a daily bases.
I am SO grateful. Today is a day where I feel really good and really happy. I've been stressing a lot about work lately and have focused mainly on succeeding in my job, which stresses me out. But when I step back and look at the birds eye view of my life, I am very happy and feel very fulfilled. I am starting to see positive results in my work. I am totally in love with my fiance, and we're very happy. Every day we cannot wait to see each other again. We don't like leaving each other in the mornings. It's so hard to climb out of bed when I am nestled in his arms. We love our snuggle time. His big smile says it all when he comes home after work. He hugs me tight and tells me he cannot live without me. I cannot live without him. I cannot wait to call him my husband! Last night at a concert he called me his wife, and said he cannot wait to say that for real. I am in love and feel so very grateful to have found him. What an amazing gift the universe has brought me! I will never ever ever take it for granted. I love him soooooo much!!!
Well, my worries about work have suddenly subsided since I learned that I got my client to rank #1 on Google for their most important search term!!!! This happened this week.. they've been teetering between positions #1-#3 since I worked on that page, but yesterday & now again today, I saw them ranking at #1. I am SO thrilled!!!!! I have been worried that I am not doing my work correctly, but I edited the whole page and now it's ranking at the top of Google -- HOORRAYYY!!!! This is for their most important and profitable website out of three.
I had my client meeting with these same people yesterday and told them the good news. They didn't react, but I am sure they must be very pleased. I am pleased, if I do say so myself! Now I just need to wait and see how that ranking impacts their web traffic, and most importantly, sales and revenue. I would love to have more good news to report next month!!!
I am at home today. Came in the morning and will go back to hospital by 7 pm.
I don't feel good. I am a wreck. Half alive, half dead. Totally hopeless. I just can't see things change for better.
Life is random and pointless. It's just bad luck and against odds to be born to this world. There is no purpose. No greater good. Just space that is at the same time empty and everything. Without purpose. As pointless as life. Our life is as meaningful as an ant's life. We keep going on for something we don't even understand. Our time here is limited. When the human race becomes extinct life goes on somewhere else in the space. Nobody will remember us. We'll just disappear. Just like that our life becomes pointless. Like it never existed.
EDIT: I am not doing any better than two weeks ago. At the hospital I can't really tell the difference but now at home I see the reality. Still a prescription meds abuser. Still weak and indifferent towards life. I hope my head clears before going back to ward.
EDIT2: Wow, some serious thinking above. Quite limited and black and white views. I am ashamed of how weak I was today though I had the nerve to tell my nurse I took meds. Today was a total failure.
It's been a couple of rough days. I didn't return to any messages or couldn't write yesterday. I have mostly been really depressed. No hypomania since last week.
For me depression is not sadness or really low mood. It's indifference towards life and lack of functional capacity. Sometimes anxiety and negative thoughts like worthless, guilt and shame. When it gets really bad I can't move or talk. Day before I sat in my bed and stared a wall for hours. I was there but I was absent.
Today is too early to tell but I believe today will be hard too. I walked to a department store nearby and bought some wool yesterday. I decided to start knitting socks. It started okay but now I am struggling with giving up. My mind instantly turned against itself when I purchased the wool. Telling me things like "don't bother trying", "you never gonna success", "why did you even buy wool", "you are not good enough".
I am too exhaused to write more. I will edit and report if anything comes up.
So after god only knows how many days (alright, exactly 17), I finally got to speak to my beloved.
Now you would think a highly intelligent man who, when pressed about his precise whereabouts by a reasonably anxious wife, would know much, much better than to say "Not sure, somewhere in Mongolia." No, not the best start I wouldn't have thought. That alone warrants marital punishment. And I'm sad to say or I'm not that I am not above committing this to long and patient memory.
Fortunately though they were a day's ride from the capital it made for a nice week knowing his is soon to be coming home. The kids are getting a bit frayed also, so not a minute too soon.
Am worried though I haven't heard anything since. He did warn me but I took that to just be polite understatement really said only to modulate a headcase. He could have ****ing told me he meant it . I mean, MEANT it instead of just meaning it. Rude by him.
The upside is I can remember what works for me: sweat and sublimation. I swim and ride and workout and remind myself that I can't be a headcase because I am a mother and cannot be both. And I don't give a **** what anyone say, these two things work better than anything else.
Then I forget.
Those two things do really work and have for a long time. So how is it I keep forgetting. It's embarrassing.
I thought I might take up kendo. Might be wrong,of course but I suddenly find the idea of getting bashed around with a big stick very appealing. Will see.
I am freaking out over work. Revenue is WAY down for two websites I changed. In Oct, revenue was up for both after the changes I made. But Nov is supposed to be their highest revenue month of the year,, and it's far down this month so far. They have a huge sale at the end of the month, which is probably why it's the greatest revenue month, but so far I am not seeing it and I am blaming myself.
I cannot take the pressure of this work anymore. To be fully responsible for a company's success and revenue online is a lot of stress and pressure! Yes, revenue went up last month, but why is it going down right now? And why is it way down? Traffic is down a little bit too. It was last month too, despite revenue increases. I cannot help but believe it's the changes I made. I need to talk to my boss about it, who told me last week not to worry about it because of the sale. There are improvements I can make to the work I did, but I need the client's approval and she has to implement it on the sites.
I need a change. I need a career change, but I have NO clue what I would do. I cannot afford to lose salary and what I really want to do is at least 25K less than what I earn. I need that money to go on my honeymoon and get married. I am stuck.
I don't hate my job necessarily.... I only hate reporting week, and I despise this pressure and stress. Last night I couldn't stop myself from dwelling on my work all night. I have to find a way to chill the heck out. It's HARD though. I am naturally prone to getting stressed about potential failure. I cannot afford to lose my job. I need this job to live and survive. I cannot afford my expenses on unemployment alone. And my savings is going towards the honeymoon. ARGH! Stress! I think I need an Ativan today. I need to chill out.
So my fiance and I are now back to the idea of eloping. We decided we cannot afford a wedding ourselves, but just the honeymoon, and now I have to tell my parents. When I first mentioned elopement, they got upset and said they would be hurt to not be involved. Then my dad said he wants to be able to walk me down the isle and "give me away". Thing is, I am too old for that and I don't really believe in that tradition anyways. It's an antiquated tradition and I've been out of the home since I was 18. I am now 48. I don't need my dad to give me away.
So I conceded when they said they would be hurt and agreed to have a wedding. But now that we realize we cannot afford even a small family wedding, we don't want to do it. We wanted to elope from the very beginning -- that's the way we want to do it. We would like to go on a nice vacation and get married at the start of the honeymoon -- then celebrate with our family and friends afterwards. We are thinking of doing it in March. If there were to be a wedding, we can't get married until a year from now, which we don't want.
But I am worried about telling my parents our ultimate plan, and I don't know when or how to do it. The four of us are having Thanksgiving dinner together. I cannot tell them then, but I am sure the wedding will come up. I don't want to hurt them, but a wedding would be 100% for their sake, not for ours. I should be able to do this the way I want to do it, no?
ARGH. I am in a pickle!