What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
so I stopped writing cause coming here oddly went from a great place for relief to a place that reminds me how sad my life is. When I reread my posts from years earlier and I see how things are the same, it makes me feel worse.
so i stopped writing all together. I figured, why have proof of life thats standing still? or getting worse. (yet, here i am, cause thats how pathetic i am)
So i swore off everyone in 2019. i decided to stop reaching out and putting myself in a posit
I had an interesting revelation today.
This morning I was told that I would do some training today for upcoming work at the front desk of the hotel I live in. For the past several days it hasn't felt real, even though I knew it was and could feel a slight unease haunting my subconscious.
Today, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. My chest began to ache. It felt like my heart would explode. The closer it got to going up there for the training, the worse I felt. Recently I got an app on
We’ll draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and survival.
The days are dark. Great. It’s something push against. You don’t do anything great when you’re comfortable, you need a driving force, something that needs to be changed.
This time I do it cleaner than I did before. There’s no caving to substances, they’re a short term fix at best. And I’d rather feel the hurt, raw like this.
I won’t rob myself of that.
Give me rewa
It's been a dark couple of years.
I'm trying to find an ounce of positivity. I just don't see the point.
Summon up a little more strength, and soldier on... but why? Why the **** does it matter.
What does anything matter?
I keep telling myself the biggest reason I'm still walking around is because of the people who'd be hurt by my ending it all.
Do they care?
Is that what's in my head?
Is there a reason I feel like I'm almost
For a good part of my life I've always kept a diary.
When I got my newest one 4 or 5 years ago, I had decided I'd only write good things. This was because I would sometimes read back over a few entries in my old diaries out of curiosity or in search of when I got something special and I'd come across depressing stuff. It was hard to face those emotions of the past, many I had yet to fully heal from. However, choosing to only write good things pretty much kept me from writing at all. My firs
We did it!!!! We are now officially husband and wife! What a gorgeous ceremony!!!! It couldn't have been more beautiful or perfect. Now we're enjoying our honeymoon. This place is absolutely spectacular!!!
So here we are, happy happy happy!!!! 💕💝💞
I'm struggling. A little bit.
Honestly, I seem to be spiralling downwards at a speed that frightens me.
I'm doing what I can to heal, but... I wonder if it's that I don't have enough time for it, or if I've got too much pressure on me, or if this would be happening anyway.
I've had three episodes this year where I've very nearly ended my life. What's scarier is that they were all in the past 2 months. That should be a warning sign.
The weird thing is that things
Still working on it. Talking to people still scares the hell out of me. My job scope in office keeps changing and I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing but it’s scary to voice out. Still having crazy thoughts running around my head. Still doing my best but still hating myself cos this is my best. Still living in the same house with the family that makes me feel like I’m trying to walk around pieces of glass. But it’s all good as long as they don’t talk to me. Just leave me alone and I’m good.
I do not remember the last time I came on here. And I didn't mean to be absent here. I love talking to you guys on this forum.
I had been very sick back in March and went to ER and they kept me in the hospital for 4 days, pumping antibiotics (pennacillin, spelling?) in my IV, giving me nausea med in IV that made me get worse sick at my stomach at first.. so they'd then just put in the pain meds first, then the nausea med.
So anyway, I've been taking some time off the c
For the most part a good day went to the beach so I spent most of the day outside but the later it gets the more I feel awful it never works this way I just wish I wasn’t depressed anymore I wish my head still I wish I was with my kids I don’t know here’s a picture
I feel so empty and in-different to everything going on. Nothing is good enough so why would it matter anyway.
I've taken a huge step back, I don't know why.
I can function again right ? I can get out of bed and get dressed without too much effort ? I even went out with my friends that one time.
I guess I get carried away when I see improvement. I think ..ah this is it, this is the end now. Only to be knocked down again.
There's nothing I can do, there's nothing that anyone
It's the same, always.
You're not the first.
So dont feel all special and unique.
Because you're not.
The overwhelming knowledge,
I can teach it,
But I can't teach you to learn.
And you don't.
Don't you see?
No, you're blinded.
The feelings, numb.
You are therefore immune.
And it shows.
I think I've been stressed - I haven't blogged, I haven't read (in weeks 😥), I haven't written a single word in my fanfictions (in weeks 😥). I can't seem to focus on anything. Maybe I need to get back to binge watching Almost Human to get myself out of this funk. I've been watching Person Of Interest on Netflix. I really love the characters. I'm not talented like they are, but I still enjoy watching. It manages to hold my interest, and that's a valuable commodity when stress takes my abilit
So, it has been a long time.. since 2017 I guess I had not been on this site.. crazy to think such when I was on here all the time at one point and made some pretty solid friends..
but I guess I should recap and getting into why I left.. what has been going on since I left etc..
Well, I started coming on the site because I was in therapy with a resident I had been assigned to, I had depression and really bad anxiety/ panic attacks from past trauma..I came here to
I found out this morning that a friend dropped dead from a heart attack. Suddenly and without warning. I have another friend who seems to be losing his battle with cancer. He's a big strapping guy with the strength of ten men. But his battle is almost over, I fear.
I'm turning 60 later this year. I've worked at the same place for almost 31 years and my heart is no longer in it. I went through an ugly divorce and then more recently lost my girlfriend.
Is it too selfish to want to retire
They used to be more impressive. Substance abuse and rampant alcoholism are more impressive battles, but I think we're through that and have been for a long time.
Now that I see things through more sober eyes, I realise problems that I never used to know.
Things like my paranoia - I always assumed there was just a lot of the world that didn't like me. And to some extent, that's always going to be true for anyone but there's a very large portion of it where I'm the one bringing those th
Well then, it has been a really tough 6 months. Running a rescue out of a flat after moving house was exhausting.
The plumbing drove me insane, literally had to try and fix a blockage or leak every other day,
So attached is a shot of my now empty rack (2019.04.25). I do have some plans for some of these tanks....thinking about it actually I should have one fish left in the blacked out tank in the top.
That is my last "rescue" not really a rescue as the fish was in really good h
It's exactly two weeks now until we get married! We leave sooner than that for our trip! I cannot wait!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, I need a vacation like no other before. I am dying at work, ready to leave by like 3 PM every day, lol. I get my nails done this weekend, then I gotta pack then it's just one more week of work, then we're leaving on a jet plane!!!!!!
I've said this before. I take things to the extreme.
I've always been very hard on myself. Unless I'm pushed to my limits I don't feel accomplished, and I very rarely feel content with myself.
I have the ability to home all my focus into just one thing, and end up neglecting everything else around me.
That got me into a lot of trouble last year,
and I guess because of that, I'm in even more trouble right now.
I remember the feeling I had then. I felt like I w