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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 16 comments
    • 5,873 views
 

Week of Aug 7th

LOL I keep forgetting that Wednesday is my day to start a new entry... This week has been a little messed up so far, but I'm still trying to keep up with it. I've decided to give myself a rest day every 6 days or so.  I cannot explain how achy everything is. I"m not sure I'm doing the right thing by keeping up with this. But how could simple walking be bad?  Maybe I need to drink more Gatorade or try vitamins or something. Wednesday, Aug. 7th  treadmill 35 mins total - 20 mins @3.2mph on 1.
 

Ramblings of my mind

I've got things I need to process...   And I want to do this sober.   I've been slipping a bit today. I've got some heavy things going on (as does almost everyone). My mind has been very cluttered and stressed... the way I've dealt with this in the past, has been to drink. A little fortification of the nerves, and forge on. It made sense, for the longest time. I'm working towards my goals, face a challenge that shakes me, and do whatever is needed to abate the symptoms and ke

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Battle is Letting Go

I'm hurting, and that's real. I'm afraid, and that's real too. It seems so horribly unfair that life should have been such a challenge, and be still so empty. That's a real feeling. And a lot of people have it. It's okay.   It's not fair, but it's real. For me, right now, the challenge is accepting my situation. Coming to peace with my pain, my suffering, my feelings of hopelessness. All of a sudden this seems so necessary. It's like this enormous amount of bag

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Seeking Peace

The fight is inside. Always is. Our world, is a reflection of ourselves. Always is.   I'm trying to let go of things... my need to prove myself, my need in relationships, my anger at things I can't and don't want to control, my fear of time and people and the percepti... just a lot of things that don't have a place. I just want to be present, for once in my life. Don't come at things with anger, or defiance... it's not about dropping my guard, because when I've got my guard up I'm

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Reality Sets In

Someone said something a while back that hit home with me "it's never as good as it seems, and it's never as bad as it seems", I kind of like that. We've got this way of sensationalising everything. Even with fear and hope. As much as the low points were not as hopeless as they felt, the same reality hits in when I finally find wind in my sails... fatigue, time and money constrains, and sometimes just the odd dose of bad luck. What felt like a sprint a couple of weeks ago, feels like a batt

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

I'm Broken

im broken, in more ways than one. Over the years ive tried to glue it all back together but pieces are just dangling and ready to fall off.   I feel like im a discarded glass placed in a dark corner of a cabinet shelf to be forgotten.   I see light once in a while when the door opens but then its quickly back to darkness.   sitting there knowing my fate will be to be eventually tossed to the trash.   I watch as other glasses, plates, and bowls are grabbed, with ho

allalone6

allalone6

 

Week of July 31st

I am starting a new routine.  I botched the old one last weekend, but I'm telling myself that's okay.  My youngest wants to work out at the gym, too.  So I am starting a new routine of working out at the gym after work so she can go too. I prefer the treadmill because my pace is really inconsistent otherwise. My first day doing that was yesterday.  This morning I still got up early and did a few minutes of yoga.  Only 7 minutes, but I'm working into it. I was able to spend most of the morning re
 

Gratitude and Sunflowers

On the road now, headed to Portsmouth for brunch and energy crystal shopping! We LOVE our crystals. We now have a whole collection that we’ve gathered from concerts and different adventures. I love our collection!  Its a beautiful day and I’m grateful. I’m grateful for my adorable most loving husband, for my continued income, and for my awesome friends and family. I’m grateful for everything I have in this life. 🙏🌈🦋 And my husband bought me the most beautiful sunflowers yesterday! Awww

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Depersonalization?

A nagging question in my mind is if my actions, thoughts and words are really mine. I acknowledge my sensations and emotions as mine, but sometimes I feel/wonder if the rest of my being could be a sort of cassette player, playing whatever my parents and society put in there. How could I feel more ownership of my being, words, thoughts and actions? Perhaps I'm not listening to my desires. Do I put other ppls needs first? Distracting myself could help as well.  

Hertz

Hertz

 

Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? All i do is all for nothing.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

0 - 10 depression/anxiety scale

0 - no depression/anxiety.. 10 - the worse than worse level Me? I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm not frustrated or overwhelmed.  Me...… I'm 'meh'. Where does 'meh' fit on the above scale? I guess 'meh' is better than I have been in a while. Last time I saw the therapist, she said that when I am feeling 'meh', it usually means that I'm starting to feel good about myself.  Guess that is a positive thing.

nojoy

nojoy

 

Here we go again?

Seems the voices are back. As well as some sort of depression. Those were always related in my case. Might be schizoaffective disorder, not my "official" diagnosis (schizophrenia), but I don't really care, that would not change a thing. The voices keep whispering, telling me what to do, making comments, repeating my own thoughts. I have no trouble ignoring them in most cases. It's not that bad they tell me to commit suicide, as it is just some artificial creation of my brain - not scared or anxi

emptyman

emptyman

 

Week of July 24th

Okay, so we are back to the exhaustion.  And now I have a cold sore. Yuck. Thanks for nothing, stress. But I am practically ready to send my first report in - some final details, and off it goes for better or worse.   Wed July 24th  .83mi/14 mins - getting closer to my old time, before my ankle started bothering me Thu July 25th  after work; took me 17 mins to walk .77 miles. Not too far off my time, but I was in a lot of pain that evening Fri July 26th  .79mi/15 mins - loade
 

What a Load

I'm such a lazy [email protected] I can't get myself out and walking every day like I used to. I had this perfect opportunity to join an inexpensive gym right next door to where my daughter works. I give her a ride home at 9 pm five days per week. If I was smart, I'd be at that gym while waiting for her to get done. But I've never been accused of being smart. My daughter is entering grad school in September so she will be cutting way back on her hours at work. She may only work one night/week. This

JD4010

JD4010

 

I Miss My Fanfiction...

I realized this morning that I miss my little fanfictions. I'm embarrassed by them - the writing is so choppy, so horrible!  Ugh!  But I miss writing the ones I'm working on now.  I'm hoping I'll get back to a place mentally where I can start writing again.  I love AO3, it's great. I was on fanfiction.net, but it kept trying to censor what I was writing, and at the time, it was pretty mild.  It bugged me that a hosting site would try to censor me, so I moved. I'm hoping to get my walking routine
 

"Depressive Episode"

I am having a really rough day.. a really rough year to be honest.. but.. today I just lost it..  I am tired of being strong for everyone and then not having much support.. or people who really get what I am going through.. Funny enough I said I would be back on here more regularly and then depression decided otherwise.. not just for this site but for a lot of things in my life.. I have been going through a lot of changes and that usually triggers a bad response.. my previous ther
 

Couch surfin’

Funny how life is, but I’m perfectly happy at home right now with my husband streaming Peachfest live from PA, enjoying a couple cold ones and a nice night together on the couch, snuggled and cozy in the AC. Just what the doctor ordered. I love how I could care less that I’m getting laid off. Here’s us at Fenway this summer.. at a concert in a rain storm. Now that was fun! 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Getting Laid Off... Again

Well, I was supposed to be laid off this week. I've had a couple conversations with the CEO who really likes me. He said it's financial. I am the highest paid in my department, with a light client load. He has no clients to give me and he has none in the pipeline. He relies on word-of-mouth only and doesn't do any inside sales (big mistake). We lost a couple huge clients, not mine, and my boss and our manager are having to rely on their own networks to obtain clients for us.  It's not perfo

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Another thing I forgot

This heart needs to be cleansed. If you want to be an optimistic person, don’t fill your heart with hate. Fill your heart with love. Don’t fill your heart with jealousy and anger at others. Fill it for wishing good for others. You know forgiveness, move on with your life. When you fill your heart with this, you can grow, you can change. But if you always feel that your success is always by destroying others, there’s no point, it’s very hard to see someone like that to be an optimistic person. An
 

Impossible

That's it. It took me so long to figure it out. I know i am not a genius. Whatever. I will never be what you want. I cant go there. Not for you. Not even for me. Yet, im triggered to...why why why must you be like that and then turn it around onto me?  Youve said it 15 times. I responded 15 times. So yeah im going to interrupt you on the 16th time because its a bloody rerun. So dont get all mad and pissy because i did that. Stop being a child.

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

So, things seem to be changing.

I think my mental health is improving...   I don't know, it's complicated, but let me try to explain. I've been struggling a lot, and I stopped and started being willing to meditate on what was really wrong. It was all surface anger and pain.... and that surprised me, I was sure that it ran much deeper, and I was so sure of it that I was walking around with my guard up all of the time trying to defend myself from any new pain because I didn't think I could deal with it. Which made

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Reaching Out...

I am struggling with reaching out for a new therapist. Mine went on an extended 'leave of absence' over a year ago. So its been closer to two years since I last talked to a therapist. I'm finding that it is getting harder and harder to tolerate these feelings of disconnect.  So often, for so much of my life, I feel like my life is not real - like I am not real. So much of the time I feel like I am in a me-shaped suit wandering through a 3D hologram of my life.  I've felt that way for most of my
 

Week of July 17th

It's dark days.... It's all I can do to get myself out there.  It's all I can do to take a shower every three days. Thank god I work in an office.  I've been doing my minimal route - about 5-7 minutes, depending on how my ankle is feeling.  God, I love hormones.  Not.  I really need some positivity and encouragement this week.                                            Wed July 17th   .28mi/6 mins - so hard to get out.... Thu July 18th   .28mi/6 mins - and a shower

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