What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
You know, it occurs to me that I do not have a very good work - life balance. And my saying that should be taken as a massive understatement probably. I have no life outside of work. I can't afford one - we only have basic bills, we can't pare anything down anymore. No safety net (ie savings or credit cards)... it's hard to try to have a life when you cannot afford to leave the house, you know? I guess, now that I think about it, there are things I could do.
I've tried crocheting recently. It's been a few weeks since I picked it up, but I am working on a scarf. I"ll have to show you when I get it done enough. At the moment, it could either be a scarf or a really big dish cloth, LOL. I'm only doing single stitch crochet, and just barely at that. But it's something. I keep trying counted cross stitch, but it's so detail oriented, I get tired of it after a while.
I'm also writing again, sort of. I've put down my Supernatural - Doom fanfiction for a while, and my original Supernatural fanfiction. I started a version of Supernatural that incorporates more 'Christian' beliefs. I'm not very far into it - only about 15 pages or so - and I'm just getting to the part where I need to figure out how these changes affect Sam and Dean Winchester, and specifically their lives 'in canon'. How much will change? So far, I've primarily dealt with Castiel and some other side characters I made up.
For me, the hardest part of writing has not been the actual writing - it has been the research and thinking. I finally had to put my Supernatural-Doom AU fanfiction down because I had so many re-starts in the beginning (re-working it because there was a serious flaw in what I came up with) that I just completely lost the story in my head. I set it down nearly a month ago and haven't picked it up again. That taught me a lesson - certain things need to be thought through before I start typing. Because having to interrupt that process once I get started really ruins my ability to continue writing the story. I am also wondering if in those cases I should just keep writing the story out the way I had planned, flaws and all, and then re-work it. But some of the flaws I felt were too big - big enough to influence where the rest of the story went. So I kept re-starting.
It's been probably two months or so since I picked up my original Supernatural fanfiction, the one that started all this. Well, that's a lie. It's really Sherlock (BBC series) that started it. Just like in real life, how Sherlock was the original fandom. Sherlock is the fandom that started it all. When Doyle tried to kill off Sherlock, fans protested in large numbers, wearing black mourning armbands. He had to bring Sherlock back. So we are the first - fitting therefore that my start in writing fanfiction should be with Sherlock. I haven't published it on AO3 yet, though. It really sucks, actually. My Watson is far too open and comfortable with his sexuality to be true to Watson in the series. Watson in the series is a stereotypical repressed Englishman. Feelings, what? I haven't figured out how to fix that.
As far as my own original story, I am also stuck there. I'd really like to write a dragon story set in relatively modern urban setting. Hardly anyone does that seriously, and when they do, it's always in terms of shifters. But my imagination is still locked in 'McAffrey Pern' Mode. If you've read Anne McAffrey's Pern series, you'll know what I mean. If not, what I am referring to is sentient telepathic dragons and humanoid riders in a pre-industrial setting. I'd like to transfer that over to a relatively modern urban setting, without making it steampunk or going too far back to early industrial / Edwardian / Victorian times. I'd like to stick with current time, or slightly in the future, without being dystopian.
But there are so many moving parts - can you imagine the US military industrial complex if someone bio-engineered dragons? Forget the size for now, just the concept; size brings its own problems, too. And how expensive would that be initially to 'own' one? And how does a sentient dragon population affect culture, societal norms, and the previously mentioned military industrial complex? History has shown us how long it took for us to consider our fellow humans - who happen to have a darker skin tone - as human. And they look like us. In many ways, we are still struggling with race as a society, at least in the US. And like I said, that is our fellow humans. How much more difficult would it be for humanity to admit that dragons are sentient and have the same right to self determination as humans? And that doesn't even count starting on characterizations.
I have two completely different story ideas in my head - one pre-industrial and one tentatively future modern. I know that if I can get it straight in my head, I can write it. I'm still not sure about my ability to grasp characterization, though. One of many things I am not sure about. Oh, and I still haven't mentioned my Christian-based Armegeddon storyline....
Anyway, enough rambling on. Time to put the old nose to the grindstone so to speak.
I used to care. Really, care.
Sometimes too much.
However, after these last few years - I'm not sure when, exactly - I just don't feel it anymore. Not like I used to.
I don't feel that spark in my heart when I should, or that quiver of fear in my gut when I know I should be nervous. I don't feel any sense of urgency when I think about what will come next in my life; what I should be doing to improve within the next month - year - 5 years.
I don't even care that I don't care anymore, I'm just waiting.
Yesterday - Sunday - I managed to get out and walk 1 1/2 laps, which ends up being 1.3 miles. I missed Saturday - don't ask me how. I think I entered some sort of time wormhole or something. It wasn't like I was busy or anything - I barely made it off the couch. Which is standard for me. And Friday I was out of town, left early by 700am (early for me anyway) and didn't get home until nearly 645pm. Anyway, I managed to walk yesterday (Sunday). Yay. I still feel like I'm failing, but I am trying not to let myself give up. I want to be healthier and lose weight for my husband. He loves me the way I am, but I don't love me the way I am. You know? At the moment I weight marginally more than he does - probably only by about 5 or 10 pounds, but still. I used to be really skinny, naturally. I think, looking back, I must have had a high metabolism or something. And somehow having kids changed that a little. Anyway, there it is...
Here's my 'whuff' for the day...
It's a stretch and probably fierce competition, but I applied for an editorial role with a top publication company in my industry. It involves public speaking, NOT my forte, and lots of travel across the globe maybe 7 times a year, but what they heck, I figured why not try and put my hat in the ring to see what happens??? I want a different role and need it badly. I like my current job for some reasons, but I don't like my actual position anymore. I want and need something different and I love to write. I would be thrilled to land an interview! That would be quite a feat!!! I pretty much qualify except for the public speaking aspect. We'll see!
Happy Superbowl Sunday!
My first blog post.
I’ll just type out everything on my mind, since I’m not so good at writing. I’m gonna try to look at silver linings in my life. I have this bad habit of just staring into space and hating myself and hating everything about this world and end up wasting a lot of time just being unproductive.
So what’s my silver lining for today? Watching SAO. Always makes my Sunday. Going to my religious class, even though I can’t remember what I learned there. And.. borrowing The Travelling Cat Chronicles from the library yesterday. Cos cats are so cute. My Husband has a cat, but I don’t like picking up her shit or vomit. Well that’s me. I don’t know how to get used to doing those chores.
And yea it’s a Sunday morning here, gonna try to get out of bed now.
We are all alone
People try to reach out but its impossible
I hate and love everyone. I know thats confusing but i dont care. I need the end of conciousness as its a hell.
EVERY SINGLE PERSON who has touched my world has left. **** them.
Why is it si hard to shut all the doors?
This is my fifth day in a hospital. I thought of writing you guys what it's like to be here. I am writing from North of Europe so my experience may be somewhat different from yours.
I am having lot of trouble concentrating so let's see how I work this out.
A typical day starts at 730am with a breakfast and distribution of morning meds. Nurses will wake you up and ensure you have some breakfast.
After the breakfast and meds everybody gather in a common room for a morning info. A nurse tells about today's program and deal with a different topics like anxiety, feelings, sleep etc.
Before a lunch you can participate in groups. There's different groups available from Monday to Friday. I haven't taken part in any yet but I have signed up for one group next week. It's for parents who have a mental illness. I think it deals with how to tell children about a mental illness.
Lunch is served at 1130am. Food here is pretty good. At 130pm is coffee time. Coffee is not that good here but I get used to it. Coffee is very important for finns and I think we consume more coffee than any other nation. Or that's what I have read.
Days go by quite slowly here. Meals are highlight of the day and set the pace of the day. There are some activities available like books, magazines, a computer, a tv, puzzles and of course socializing with other patients. Dinner is served at 430pm. This is not a closed ward so you can go outside for a walk, run errands, meet family and friends or visit home.
You have to talk with your nurse if you want to go somewhere. I am not allowed to visit home this week because I am suicidal but I'll go tomorrow to my parents with my family. I think my sister is coming too with her family. I will be away for three hours and get back by six o'clock when I have to take meds.
There is a nurse for every patient morning shift and evening shift. Nurses usually come to talk once during the shift but they are available if you need to talk more. There's three nurses on my team but I also meet other nurses than those three who are responsible of my treatment.
A supper and evening meds are served at 730pm. Patients take care of serving it. Every room has a kitchen shift when they are responsible of serving the supper and cleaning up. It's part of the treatment.
Some patients watch tv in the evening, some patients prefere staying in their rooms. I usually stay in my room. I talk with other patients when eating but I don't socialize much except with my roommate. My roommate doesn't spend much time in our room so I get to be here alone.
My mood has been quite good here. I mostly feel safe and relieved here. My concentration and capacity are weak so I don't do much. I lie in my bed and message with friends and family. Or try to write on different forums like this.
That is pretty much a typical day in a psychiatric ward. I hope I was able to give you a glimpse of my days.
I will add some photos too.
Nobody, wants to let their last day be a
day of disappointment. So,if we learn
to live like everyday is our last day we
would get more out of everyday we live.
I know it want be easy but we can train
our mind to become more motivated about
life than what we are currently doing.
Hang in there my friend and I wish nothing
but the best for everyone.
So it seems today is one of my down days, nothing particularly triggered this but I have been very easy to annoy.
People at work are getting on my nerves lately, everyone knows what I have been through as I am very open about my moods, diagnosis and what has happened to me.
And still I still get shit
I think it is a general lack of understanding, until you encounter the pain and loss there is nothing really that comes close to this.
I get things like "It's been over a year", "forgive them for your sake" on a constant basis, I just ignore it now. Well i try too
Yes it has been over a year, it still hurts and what saddens me is that I have been without them for so long and I know that i'll have to go on even longer without them. The passing of time hasn't made things easier, but it has changed my feelings. I can now look back and laugh and smile at things that would make me cry 6 months ago. It's going to take a long time and I'm going to be very sad for a long time, but i am okay.
The Other one "you need to forgive them, for your sake" this one gets me the most irate. It has taken me ages to love myself to hate this person. I have been through my own personal hell with little to no help. I have a right to have this feeling and I will not let it go because it suits you
Mini Rant over
It's been a long time. A very long time. The last time I posted I think I was back I Australia around 7 months ago. I've been fwwling alot bettern since my laat episode. I'm now residing in New Zealand, with a stable job and I thought a much more stable set of emotions. Tonight I got drunk and realised I still lother of being myself. I'm a terrible lover and don't compare right to previous lovers or boyfriends. Bloody hell it's been a long time since I've felt this way. It almost feels like coming back home to this despair. It's like it's where I'm 'meant' to be despite the goals and aspirations I've met, potentially even exceeded.
I want someone real to talk to.
A Troubled Traveller.
OMG, this cannot come soon enough. One month down, 3 more to go!!!! I cannot wait. I just bought my wedding earrings, which I absolutely adore!!!! They're beautiful, with a crystal butterfly, flowers and pearls. They're perfect for me in every way since I love butterflies and flowers.
I am counting the weeks and days until vacation. My therapist told me to pretend that I am working to go on vacation -- so that is working right now. Work sucks. LOL. I don't want to work anymore. I want to win the lottery so my husband to be and I can chill out, buy a boat and sail around the world, scuba diving and doing all sorts of fun things. All I can think about right now is FUN and having as much of it as I can. I'm gonna live it up. Well, I have to work until vacation but I am going to have a lot of fun between now and then regardless.
So here are my wedding earrings!
We've had some extremely cold weather for the past several days...low temps dipping down to -27F and highs only around -13F. Most of the city shut down yesterday and this morning. As I watched the weather forecasts leading up to the cold spell, I started feeling some dread and anxiety. I wanted to hole up in my apartment and not set foot outdoors. Then it hit me--what the hell am I thinking? I used to work outside all day in weather like this. I loved it. It was a source of pride to say, "yeah, I chopped holes in the ice on top of cattle watering tanks all morning." I enjoyed the challenge of getting out into the cold.
As I thought more deeply about it, I realized that I just didn't want to go to work. That's what I was trying to avoid; not the cold. With that realization, I decided to push myself out yesterday and today. I had a great time, in spite of my douchey boss being on my @ss. I rode buses around town yesterday and enjoyed a day where there were very few people out & about. Today is busier but it still feels like a holiday of some sort.
It felt good to get back in touch with my old self again. I was one of the few people who showed up at the office. There is a sense of accomplishment in that kind of thing. Now, if I could just cope with my boss's douchiness.
I will have you know that blathering on here is part of what finally got me up and around - well, after I took my shower. It took me just over twenty minutes of first moving out to the sofa, then laying there on the sofa convincing myself I wanted to take a shower. Should have taken one yesterday like a good little civilized human being, but that's another blog post. So I'm laying there trying to convince myself not to wait until this evening, which is code for 'it will not happen today'. I kept trying to remind myself I would feel refreshed and clean, but it really didn't have very much selling power. I reminded myself I could not shower tomorrow morning, because I have to be off to the Big City for an all day workshop - that means I'll have to leave by 700, and I'm usually not even fully conscious at 700, much less dressed and ready to go. At least it means I won't be 'in the office' tomorrow. Sort of a modified three day vacay, sort of. Hey, I take the breaks where I can get 'em.
Anyway, I think I'm improving a little bit - usually it takes at least 45 minutes to an hour of convincing myself, falling asleep, convincing myself.... just to get out of bed and go lay down on the sofa. By the time I get out to the sofa, I tell myself I could write a blog post or check DF, and that is what gets me up and around. I have to do it by degrees. When I was a lot younger, I used to get up and shower and style my hair and do all my makeup - full nine yards, as they say - every. single. day. I marvel now that I was able to do that - that at the time I considered it a bare minimum for stepping out the door for any reason. Then I had kids, LOL. They teach you how to be casual about things like that. Like the meme says - 'motherhood is always with you, usually in the form of something gross stuck to your clothing.' LOL. 'Struth!
So on another subject that I'm sure is just as riveting as my shower struggles - hey, the struggle is real though, when you're depressed. Showers on a regular basis are frequently grounds for legit celebration. You have to work hard to keep those nasty defeating negative thoughts out, though. There will usually be some small voice inside that tells you that everyone showers regularly and that you are a loser for struggling with it. You just have to remind yourself that a)those people don't usually wake up wanting to blow the top of their head off and b) you decided to stick around for one more day instead of blowing the top of said head off and c) you accomplished something besides breathing and being here, top of your head intact. You really have to focus on the positive side, and it can take some real work to keep those negative thoughts from pushing their way in. Be persistent, though, and it will make a difference.
Persistence is key. Your mind will naturally 'gravitate' to the negative. You will have to work hard to overcome that - this is why persistence is key. Because you have to keep up with it even though you won't necessarily see any 'difference' for a while. And it might take some effort to even recognize those differences. Again, depression makes your mind naturally gravitate to the negative. And it also seems to 'wash out' any positives in your life - it's hard to explain to people that you are not 'ignoring' those positive things, but that for you they literally do. not. exist. Like a filter that washes out everything of a certain color in your environment - those things are technically still there, but they are invisible to you. At that point you have to kind of take those positives on faith and again - be persistent about it.
I like Captain Harlock because I can really identify with him.... He actually fucks things up quite a bit; but he doesn't give up, he persists....
I also like this quote using a fanart image based on Blue Exorcist - the old man was a mentor and father figure - and I love the quote....
Sometimes you just have to decide to 'continue living', and the motivation will come later. Deciding to keep living can be so monumentally difficult, dear ones. It can be the single hardest decision you ever make - and sometimes you have to make that decision every. single. day. If you persist, and just keep moving in one way or another - and sometimes just choosing to be here is a form of 'moving' -then eventually you will be able to conceive of motivation. And conceiving - absorbing, accepting - the concept of motivation can be just as monumentally difficult as deciding to continue.
Don't be afraid to take it in stages, dear ones.
You don't have to make that entire leap in one go.
Take one step at a time.
One stage at a time.
Well, I missed walking Tuesday; in all fairness, though, I didn't get home from work and errands until after 730pm. Tuesdays are my long days - I guess I should count myself lucky that I only have one long day a week.
But I did get out yesterday, just barely. It was literally freezing - well, close enough at 36F. But no wind, so my eyes didn't water nearly as much. I just did one full lap, but that is actually an improvement. I got myself out by telling myself a short lap was better than no lap at all. By the time I got started, I figured I could do a full lap anyway. Only 3/4 mile - I'm trying to do at least a mile which ends up being 1 1/4 miles with the laps I do around the neighborhood.
It's been easier to walk after work - I"m already around, and if I can change clothes and get out before I get sat down, it's easier to get it done. I don't know what I'm going to do when the weather warms up - I have a tendency to overheat easily. But that means thinking too far ahead, and I don't want to psych myself out of this.
Here's a squirrel puzzle for you....
tired of my solo life. when i got myself thru my most darkest moments in life when i was younger, i promised myself that life would get better, to hang on, to not give in to the depression, that one day I will look back on all this and smile that i got through it. i really thought life would of turned out different. i never prepared myself for solitude, how does one truly prepare for that? I honestly thought one day id have a family and a reason to live. just going through the motions of the day...going to work...coming home...no friends....solo activities...its...well....very trying.
it never crossed my mind when I was younger that i could possibly live a life where i could go days without talking to anyone. i always had it in my head that life would just get better, that nothing could be worse than being a victim stuck inside my own volatile head. but you know what, this lonely life isnt all that much of a step up. i mean, ya...the suicidal thoughts are rare these days, and im not constantly putting myself down as much, and i see situations clearer now, but the sadness is still there....the "not good enough" feeling is still there, and im quite aware of what im missing out on and it hurts.
i suppose in the big picture of things this life is better than the previous. but its still not great, but i guess i shouldnt complain or whine and be grateful
I am back at the hospital. It was sooner and easier than I expected. Cutting and pill popping were about to get out of hands so I had to do something. I called my doctor and told her I need to be hospitalized. I am Lucky to have her as my doctor. She took care of everything so now I am safe and relieved.
I will write more later. I just wanted to tell you guys that I am now where I am supposed to be right now.
Yesterday was my second day in a row of walking. It was damn cold (wind chill of 25F) and my eyes watered because half the time I was walking into the wind. But I did it. I am going to walk at least one lap, at least 6 days a week.
Part of me gets so discouraged - all I can seem to see is an endless procession of weeks parading out before me - egads, I can't do that! So I will narrow my vision - I'm only walking this week. Sounds short-sighted, but an enormous part of what sabotages me really is that tendency to look out into the far future, and see the rest of the weeks of my life, and me walking every day. It even overshadows the fact that I get a sense of accomplishment when I walk, and I feel better. Not that 'high' that some people talk about, but when you struggle with depression, even moderate 'feel betters' can feel pretty high. 😉 So just for this week, I'm walking at least one lap (8/10mile), but an extra half lap is preferred (making 1.3miles ish).
I leave you with a goal - Squirrel Fu - which I hope to master someday... without breaking my hips.
Posting this more for myself than anything else... but that's the nature of a blog I guess. Posting for oneself, but in the hope that someone else will somehow connect with something you wrote. I started reading a book recently, on recommendation of a friend. I wasn't sure how I would like it, but it's not bad so far. Classic High Fantasy - Belgarath the Sorcerer by David & Leigh Eddings. I'm only on chapter 9, so I've really barely got started. Anyway, that doesn't have anything to do with Misha. I find myself casting about for a finger hold. You know? Clinging to the side of the cliff, looking for finger holds and toe holds, making my way up. Though I never seem to get to the top. I feel like I'm getting closer.
I made it around on walk last night. Forgot to put socks on, and now I have blisters on the bottom of my feet. Poor me. Anyway, I guess the whole 'small steps' thing isn't working for me. Apparently I am a 'do or do not' type. I did about one and a half laps, which ends up being @1.3 miles if my phone app is to be believed. I'm just going to try this every day, and give myself an allowance of one day a week. If I give myself more than that, I end up not doing it for a couple of weeks.
I've been GIMPing this afternoon. Playing around with images (free ones off the internet) and some of my favorite poems. Here are a couple of them...
The Taxi by Amy Lowell makes me think of hubby dearest, every morning when I go to work....
Landscape With the Fall of Icarus by William Carlos Williams...
when god lets my body be by ee cummings (one of my all-time favorites)
[this is an old unpublished bit of blather from about a week ago]
Since I blathered on about music and resonance and no one shot me, figuratively or literally, I thought I would blather on about characters - movie, TV - that really speak to me. Maybe there will be another post for books or book characters that really speak to me. For now we will stick with the 'visual arts', if I might be so snooty....
This should be fun, because there are so many movies I've seen that I forget..... I guess we'll start with the namesake of this blog, the Seraph Castiel....
Castiel is an Angel inhabiting a human body - specifically, that of devoted Christian and family man Jimmy Novak. Castiel often says one of his biggest regrets is what happened to Jimmy Novak, and everything he endured while Castiel inhabited his body.
Of course, in Season 5
Castiel is obliterated. And though Castiel is brought back (Thank Chuck.... literally) as Castiel 2.0, the Seraph, Jimmy Novak died and went to his personal heaven. (Supernatural's depiction of heaven is another blog post, BTW). So you have a socially awkward figure who has literally spent millennia observing humanity and loving them from a distance. The body he inhabits is not his natural form, and on the occasions when he does lose his Angel Mojo and become human, he struggles greatly with the daily necessities of being human.
Even when he is human he still gives a very strong impression of feeling... apart.... from humanity. Like the suit he's wearing just doesn't fit quite right.
I can make a joke here about how accurate that is when your True Form is approximately the size of the Chrysler Building, but inside....
Inside I'm absolutely crying buckets.
My entire life I've felt like that....
like somehow I got the wrong suit and I can't figure out where to take it for alterations, so I never get as attached to it as everyone else does with their suits....
I'm not crying, you're crying....
So I have a Senior title now at work, but what does that mean exactly? I had a new client meeting on Friday. Normally, my boss would have attended with me, the Director of Web Services, along with an Account Manager. Neither could attend, so my company CEO came with me. However, we never discussed who would take the lead in this meeting, he or myself, and he talked about how he wanted the meeting to be conversational, rather than them just answering a bunch of questions. The Account Manager provided us with an agenda and list of questions to ask. We didn't follow the agenda whatsoever, I deferred to the CEO to run the meeting, and the meeting ended up going completely awry. We didn't get many of our questions answered that were on the formal agenda, which by the way, had been sent over to the client. So now we look completely disorganized! I walked out feeling very confused about the expectations of my role as well as disgruntled because now I have to get those questions answered somehow, after the fact. So I have to clean up the mess.
And what was the expectation? Was I supposed to lead the meeting? Was I supposed to take the initiative? Was the CEO expecting me to?
I need to talk to my boss when he returns on Tuesday. I need to know what they expect of me, but also I am very frustrated because now we look bad in front of the client. When you create an agenda and send it to the client, the client is going to expect us to follow that agenda. And we didn't!
Honestly, I could have run this meeting myself. I was prepared to and would have done it just fine, even if there were 9 of them and 1 of me. I feel the CEO got in the way of the whole process! And why did he not ask me to lead? Why did he allow that to happen where very few of our questions were answered?
I've been told that he gets his hands into everyone else's business, and in this case, I felt he did. He needs to run the company, not be attending client meetings that his staff is supposed to handle.
I also feel they didn't trust that I would be able to handle it. This is also why I deferred to the CEO. I assumed that he wanted to lead it since he was attending, and why not since he's the CEO in charge of everything?
GRRRRR. It's frustrating!
This might get a little dark, but don't lose hope......
I can't seem to get a grip on anything. It all feels so far away, and yet it makes me panic just thinking about it. Does that make any sense whatsoever?
I keep wondering why I'm trying. I feel like I'm trying really hard, but if you looked at me, you wouldn't see it. I'm not running around like a chicken trying to accomplish everything. Actually, I've given up on accomplishing anything. I feel like just being here is trying really hard. You know?
I feel like choosing to just stay is taking all my energy. I feel like I don't have any energy left to step back from the cliff. I feel like it's taking everything I have to just stand here and not jump, you know?
Experience tells me that I won't feel like this forever, even though it seems like it. I know at some point I will be able to step back from the edge again, and look around again, and assess my surroundings again, and figure out what direction to go again. I know it, but it doesn't make it any easier. And I apologize for not being able to tell you something different.
If you persist, you will be able to see the colors eventually. They won't mean the same things as before, though. But you will be able to see them. And when the colors disappear again, you will be able to tell yourself that they will be back. And even though your whole mind and body will scream against it, something small and quiet inside will be able to say 'no, this won't last'. And it will be enough. Just barely enough, but enough nonetheless.
So right now, I am standing on the edge. I am looking down and reminding myself what it was like to lay down on my belly on that edge and try to save someone.
Like Samwise Gamgee did for Frodo Baggins in the last movie of LOTR. Frodo has fallen over the precipice while fighting Gollum for the One Ring. Frodo hangs quietly on the cliff edge, and you can see it in his eyes. 'Let me go' his eyes say. But Samwise won't let go.
I cannot watch that scene without bawling. Because I have been Frodo. Because I have been Samwise. And it is still Samwise that saves me.
It is my memory of being Samwise, and trying to save my Frodo. And failing. And watching in horror as my Frodo lets go of the cliff face and falls into the fires of his own Mordor.
So if you are ever thinking that no one cares, dearest Frodo, that you have no Samwise to yell at you and grab you by the hand, you are sorely mistaken. Because I care. I don't have to know your name to care. I know the nature of the battle you fight, and that is enough.
Like I said, it is Samwise that saves me every time. Because I cannot be responsible for inflicting that kind of pain on my loved ones, or on people who look to me for some sort of strength. I have enough mistakes to carry, I cannot add that to the list.
So the next time the Spectre grows large, remember that if you take your own life, you will be hurting people. Take it on faith, if you have to. Your family will hurt, even if they don't understand your struggle right now. Your friends will hurt, even if they don't understand your struggle right now. And we here at DF will hurt - I will hurt - and I do understand what I'm asking of you.
I understand that I am asking you give up the oblivion of the fires of Morder to keep fighting. I could remind you that it will change eventually, but I know you won't believe it. Because I could not believe it, hanging there on the cliff face, above my own fires of Mordor. For now, take it on faith if you have to.
Grab Samwise's hand and scramble to the top of the cliff and just sit there a while until you feel like you can think about moving again. It will be hard to take that first step back from the edge - nearly as hard as it was to grab Samwise's hand. The fires of Morder look enticing when your whole life is blood and battle that almost no one sees. For like Frodo, you carry the One Ring. We all experience the One Ring differently. And most cannot understand the battle we endure every day carrying it.
Focus on those who do understand. Focus on those who do understand the Burden of Carrying the One Ring. Believe them when they say you are valuable and you are loved and you are appreciated, and that you will make it through this fight. It will sound like a foreign language at first. The words will have little meaning for you initially. Take them on faith until you begin to understand the language. Then make it your own.