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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terr
    • 16 comments
    • 5,418 views
 

Today’s gratitude

Thank you for waking up to see another day. Thank you for my abled eyes to see. Thank you for my limbs I can use without difficulties. Thank you for letting me be able to breathe. Thank you for money in my bank account. Thank you for the roof over my head. Thank you for my ears I can hear with. Thank you for food in my fridge. Thank you for my car that I can use to drive to places. Thank you for the practice of gratitude. Thank you for moments of positive feelings as I’m feeling at the moment. T

Jjayy2

Jjayy2

 

Writing....

I might be getting back to my fanfictions - well, one of them anyway.  It's still a Supernatural AU, but it's heavily re-focused towards Christian theology.  I'm still in the rough draft stage - as in, I'm still just trying to write, and I haven't gone back and done a read through to catch any inconsistencies or mistakes.  This is the first time in probably a month or so that I've felt any inclination at all to either write or read.  That I am unable to do either is really not a good sign for me
 

A Plan

Today's plan isn't very nice.   I've had some bad luck over the past week. Real bad luck.   I'm going to do some work, see if I can fight my way out of this hole, at least get closer to that.   But the plan is to end it if I'm honest. That's about all.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

7(ish) Days to go

It's not that ominous do not worry. The fight is in a weeks time. I've been really pushing myself in training lately and have decided that preparation this week will be hydration, healthy eating and lots of rest. I have space in my weight band (might have to down some water to make up the last little bit of weight) so I dont NEED to train. On the other hand at the moment I dont want to train either. So that works out nicely.  I've not been online all that much, for a couple of reasons.

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

I Am So Tired....

I am unbelievably and unspeakably tired.  I think part of it is an effect of the Atarax that helps with my anxiety.  I still have noticeable undercurrents of anxiety, but I'm trying to steer my mind away from them.  Like a ship at sea, trying to steer around the rocky shore. But in the meantime, I am so horribly tired.  I need to get back to taking my nightly Atarax earlier - like by 830, and getting back to the bedroom by 930 so I can start winding down.  My problem is usually that I can't seem
 

...But I have to "move on"...

The previous blog entry was stupid. Dwelling on the past like that will keep me walled in. Yeah, my heart is broken and always will be. But I need to travel on. If she ever gets back in contact, I will be the happiest guy in the world. If not...well, I will have to carry on anyway.

JD4010

JD4010

 

War Path

I've been struggling. Yeah, you know that. I've written about it enough times. Things have gotten dark. I don't entirely know why.   But that's just it. I can't keep my head above water like this. Can't. Won't.   I'm about as spent as I can be. I'm ready to check out. I'm at my lowest, and I don't even know if I want to change that.   But that made me realise something. This is where I used to be. When I was younger, I did things that I now envy. It w

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

danger

Can a tree ever feel happy when its leaves are still? Because I still feel the rush as he moves me, and I wonder if trees feel the same relief as the wind blows over its branches. It is true that I still look at him and see treasure in his dark brown eyes. Time has not yet taught me indifference to his gifts. But is happiness a place of stillness? Yes, the greatest danger comes when I am most at risk of happiness. Danger of self-sabotage, perhaps. If he moves me like nature, like
 

I can't "move on".

I met my (former?) girlfriend here on DF. You probably know that already because I keep bringing it up. I haven't heard from her in over two years. That obviously means it's "over" but there was never a definitive end to the relationship. If only I knew what happened to her. I didn't listen well enough to her. I was too arrogant and full of myself. As a result, she's gone. I've tried and tried to move on, but I can't. I'll see something or somebody that reminds me of her and I'll fall

JD4010

JD4010

 

Exasperated by People

I am feeling exasperated by people. The one woman from my other forum who insulted my blog? She wanted me to function as an inspiration for her.... she read my blog and assumed that I could be some sort of life coach for her. I'm not in a place to take that on right now. I have too much to focus on in my own life. So when I told her I couldn't be her life coach, she then told me that in my blog I come across as a pseudo life coach and insinuated that my blog content is very generic. Well, m
 

This will be short....

I need to preface this by saying that my doc (GP to you Brits) has me on Atarax (28mg, 3-4 x daily) and Bupropion (just upped to SR 300mg daily).  I started the new dose of Bupropion barely a week ago. He told me he thought the Atarax would help mitigate the effects I had trouble with last time (about 5-7 years ago).  I told doc back then about the problems I was having but wound up pulling myself off of it due to the problems being far more severe when I hit 300mg &+ than what I let on. 
 

lie

You lie still. I lie awake. We lie. Together. In this bed that is not yours, there is no truth but this one. And I will hold on as long as you do. But no longer.
 

Bad Therapists

I am appalled by how many BAD therapists there are out there. I have been in and out of therapy my whole life and since I was 17. And in all my years of therapy, I have only met ONE good therapist, and that's when I was 17! Maybe there was another along the way who was OK, but the point is, I've met far too many bad therapists who have not helped me very much.  My current one shamed me the other night. As a direct result, I've decided to therapist-shop. It made me wonder how truly helpful s
 

In A Bad Way

I'm not doing well lately. It's almost daily now that I'm having these episodes.   I'm really struggling.   It's the illness too. None of the stress is about real things.   But here I am, every other day. I don't want to talk too much in detail about my past hour. But it's ****ed. And it's becoming routine.   I want to be strong. I want to be the example of taking the burden in stride and getting functioning in life, getting better and doing better.

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Quote

Each of us chooses which kind of story we want to tell.  Bright side and not so bright side...

Jjayy2

Jjayy2

 

Post Honeymoon ~ Reality of Work Life

I am coming down from an amazing wedding/honeymoon/vacation and it was a tough crash landing back to reality. Work? Really?? We were driven around by our three butlers at our resort all week, sipping on frozen mudslides and banana rum drinks, swimming in the warm ocean and pools and lapping it up in our soaking tub on the balcony overlooking palm trees and the calming ocean. You cannot beat luxury living, and that's what we had. Then back to the work grind. The last two weeks of work have been b
 

Facing Challenges

I'm in a bad way. And that's okay. That's part of life, particularly with this particular burden that I have to carry. We all have our burdens, and this is mine, and it is not without it's benefits. There is a drive that comes from suffering. I must admit, I've become very resentful in this past year or so, about my health. I've worked very hard for a long time and done so much and my state appears to be the same as it used to be. But that's not true. I am a lot further along this

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Name of the Rose

Depression. The catchphrase of our time. It explains everything and absolutely nothing at all (IMHO). As long as we treat mental illness as something not “us”, we are missing the point entirely. There is ALWAYS an element of personal characteristics involved with mental health issues. There are always environmental aspects to so called mood disorders, “personality disorders”, schizophrenia and bipolar too. I discovered something online(yes I know, the danger of self diagnosis bla
 

Day 5

Taking it pretty hard today since this morning.  Lets see where it will lead me to

Jjayy2

Jjayy2

 

I’m Crying

I haven’t said anything in a while because for once I feel alive. I’m so grateful to just ‘feel’ again that I want to cry with joy all the time. I can’t tell you whats happened. Maybe just a couple of good exams. But that flick has been switched from total self destruction to digging myself out of this hole I’ve created. It was never about having the energy or having the means to do it. It was the motivation I was lacking in. Whats the point trying when you feel so useless. You might be abl

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

L theanine

Day 4 so far I’m doing okay.  Today I took a bit of high dose of l theanine. It definitely makes a difference and smoothed out the edge and make depression and anxiety a lot easier to manage.  Negative voices and feelings can’t quite touch me.  But it’s not something I want to depend on because theres definitely a limitation.  i wanna be back on taking black seed oil again regularly. Black seed oil had been my favorite and the most comfortable for me. 

Jjayy2

Jjayy2

 

back at it

so  I stopped writing cause coming here oddly went from a great place for relief to a place that reminds me how sad my life is. When I reread my posts from years earlier and I see how things are the same, it makes me feel worse.   so i stopped writing all together. I figured, why have proof of life thats standing still? or getting worse.  (yet, here i am, cause thats how pathetic i am)   So i swore off everyone in 2019. i decided to stop reaching out and putting myself in a posit

allalone6

allalone6

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