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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 16 comments
    • 5,858 views
 

Oscillations

Another day, but different. After having a decent feeling last night, all day today was riddled with anxiety and negativity. I was working from home today, and did not have a lot to do, so that probably added to it. Not sure why some days, some hours, are better or worse than others. I mean, what is going on in my brain? What are my neurons, electrical signals, and chemicals up to in my brain? I mean, thats what makes us who we are, right? Alter a neurotransmitter, or stimulate one part of the b

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

 

Office day

Today started like the rest, woke up early, the feeling of dread creeping in. I go into the office on Tue and Thu, and its a 2hr commute each way. I'm not sure why, but somewhere along the line I became very uncomfortable and nervous when I have nothing to do. I did not used to be that way. I used to enjoy idle time, and alone time. Now being alone with nothing to do spikes my anxiety. Its been very strange since the Paxil stopped working. I really felt on top of everything then, and now its lik

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

 

Week of Aug. 21st

I've really been struggling lately.  It was all I could do just to get up this morning... I nearly didn't get out, and then only for about five minutes and because I thought of it as a mindfulness exercise.  I am thinking of trying beginner hiit - there's a group called HasFit that has a free youtube video of cardio hiit for beginners.  It's 30 minutes, and I don't think I'm up for that, so I think I might alternate walking with 15 minutes of that.  I think I might be getting bored of my routine
 

Job Choices and Bad Timing

I may have a new job offer coming, from a well-known national brand. It would be a great opportunity -- it's a big job and is 15K more in salary. Then there's another position that I REALLY am interested in, that is 75K higher in salary, a Senior Director of eCommerce role for a travel company. For the latter job I had to take two personality tests and a math test. I didn't even finish the math test -- it was timed and it timed out before I could finish. I may not even make it to the interview s

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Overtime

I'm quasi-dead. I'm continuing this charade? Each day an overtime. No one can understand. Absolutely no one. I must be doing something wrong. I can only say I'm sorry to myself, cause I don't know what else to do.  

Hertz

Hertz

 

Day 2

Day started like most. Waking up early, but not as early as I used to. In the last year or so I have started waking up around 5:00AM, and cannot fall back asleep. I think its the anxiety. Today I woke up at 6:30. I lay there, thinking I can get more rest, but end up just thinking about stuff. It usually starts ramping up my anxiety, so I finally give up and get out of bed. I take .25 of Klonopin and force some breakfast down. Today was a work from home day, and my wife was out of the house. With

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

 

I Miss You My Beautiful Girl Ginger

It has been 10 days since my emotional support dog Ginger, (American Staffordshire Terrier) my beautiful girl, suddenly passed away with a tumour. Ginger was only 2 weeks old when I rescued her from a puppy mill. I truly believe that things happen for a reason and Ginger entered my life to help me cope with my depression. In fact she's saved me many times from ending my existence. Whenever I was feeling sick/depression  I would lay down in my bed in fetal position and Ginger would come lay with

shio

shio

 

Hard Times...

This is likely to be pretty triggering, so if you are struggling with reasons to still be here, you might want to skip this one.... > > > > >     I find quite a lot the last several years that I am questioning the purpose of me.  What is the purpose of me?  Why am I still here?  To survive?  That only works in the short term.  Beyond the short term, there needs to be something else - otherwise you get like me, and look back on most of three
 

The beginning

Not sure what compelled me to start this blog. I have a journal I keep, but I guess sharing some of my story feels good somehow, just knowing I'm not alone out there and letting others know they are not alone, maybe there can be some relief in reading others experiences and stories... I grew up an only child, I was adopted. I was a shy kid, and had problems in school with behavior. I always acted out and wanted to make people laugh at my expense. My parents divorced when I was 12. 7th and 8

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

 

Goodbye

I’m done with this world. I dunno what’s the point of doing anything. I’m a terrible person who can’t do anything. Why bother to live. So many reasons to hate myself. 
 

Who Am I?

It's a weird feeling.   I feel like I know the destination... I know why I'm here, and what I'm here to do. That's been clear for a long time now. But the path... the path has changed so many times. It used to be pragmatic; draw a straight line from A to B. Now it's different, it's about the path... it's about controlling what defines me, and creates me. Spread kindness and peace, instil and nurture passion, and kindness.   Who am I, is something I'll ask myself for the rest

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Good things don't last that long :(

Ok. I'm having a mental breakdown i guess.  The good things just aren't good enough anymore.  I've lost weight. I'm socialising again. All the 'normal' things that i needed to do in order to recover. I have a possible long distance relationship. My first relationship ever. Talk to me a few months ago and i would have said that i was undatable. Still it's not enough. I need his touch, his hugs. Just talking on the phone isn't enough and its breaking my heart.  I need someone to tel

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Struggling Again....

I am really struggling again.  I wonder how much of it is hormonal.  I haven't taken my Welbutrin in several weeks - and it's actually been months since I took it regularly.  I started to feel like it was making me crazy.... It's hard to describe. About 12-14 hours after I take it, I can feel the weirdness flowing through me.  I become so easily triggered into anger it's stupid.  I fall into looping repetitive thought really easily, about anything.  I feel this odd tension flowing through me tha
 

Week of Aug. 14th

I'm trying to figure out if I can retroactively give certain others permissions to add their own progress to my blog entries, besides in the comments. So far, I have not had any luck. I don't want to scrap the progress I've tracked so far, though.  Sorry.  Feel free to post your progress in the comments. Part of last week I went to see one of my kids, so I wasn't very good at all about posting progress. For that, apologies.  I didn't even take my laptop, lol.  A real vacay.   My schedule wa
 

My Way

I had a bad day today. This year feels like it's been a test, to see truly where rock bottom lies. I lose all I can, only to discover more to lose. It felt like there was nothing left of me a long time ago. Today I lost some more... and I feel whole.   Let me explain... I'm sober, and it's a crazy trip. I spent years chasing a high like this.... this is incredible. It's not that I felt the alcohol was holding me back, it's just that my world view was different, and willi

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Patience

Something that I have struggled with and I believe is common for many is patience. I observe this when people are driving who want to drive very fast even to pass others in oncoming traffic lanes or motorcycles weaving through. However, while it may seem we save time by forgoing patience and we get our results quicker it is not without risk and cost. For example skipping education to go straight to a job may seem desirable but they may have less future opportunities without the degree. Perh
 

Anger

Anger is a powerful emotion and something I often think about. Why do we get angry? I believe we become angry when we percieve something to be an injustice, anger seems to be the natural emotion that flows from this. When mastered anger can be a powerful way to confront injustice but used incorrectly it can have devastating consequences. From my studies I found a proverb 16.32 "Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city." In the midst o
 

Trying not to panic....

Struggling with panic again, since yesterday... really, since Monday afternoon.  About going back to work today. I have had two huge reports due - one the 1st and one tomorrow. I got one done early and turned in, and the other one I had to leave for someone to look over. Then I went on vacay, but I did leave written 'proofs' and explanations of what I did.  So now it's back to the grindstone, and feeling like the other shoe is about to drop. I keep wondering to myself why I am still there. Why h
 

Week of Aug 7th

LOL I keep forgetting that Wednesday is my day to start a new entry... This week has been a little messed up so far, but I'm still trying to keep up with it. I've decided to give myself a rest day every 6 days or so.  I cannot explain how achy everything is. I"m not sure I'm doing the right thing by keeping up with this. But how could simple walking be bad?  Maybe I need to drink more Gatorade or try vitamins or something. Wednesday, Aug. 7th  treadmill 35 mins total - 20 mins @3.2mph on 1.
 

Ramblings of my mind

I've got things I need to process...   And I want to do this sober.   I've been slipping a bit today. I've got some heavy things going on (as does almost everyone). My mind has been very cluttered and stressed... the way I've dealt with this in the past, has been to drink. A little fortification of the nerves, and forge on. It made sense, for the longest time. I'm working towards my goals, face a challenge that shakes me, and do whatever is needed to abate the symptoms and ke

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

The Battle is Letting Go

I'm hurting, and that's real. I'm afraid, and that's real too. It seems so horribly unfair that life should have been such a challenge, and be still so empty. That's a real feeling. And a lot of people have it. It's okay.   It's not fair, but it's real. For me, right now, the challenge is accepting my situation. Coming to peace with my pain, my suffering, my feelings of hopelessness. All of a sudden this seems so necessary. It's like this enormous amount of bag

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Seeking Peace

The fight is inside. Always is. Our world, is a reflection of ourselves. Always is.   I'm trying to let go of things... my need to prove myself, my need in relationships, my anger at things I can't and don't want to control, my fear of time and people and the percepti... just a lot of things that don't have a place. I just want to be present, for once in my life. Don't come at things with anger, or defiance... it's not about dropping my guard, because when I've got my guard up I'm

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Reality Sets In

Someone said something a while back that hit home with me "it's never as good as it seems, and it's never as bad as it seems", I kind of like that. We've got this way of sensationalising everything. Even with fear and hope. As much as the low points were not as hopeless as they felt, the same reality hits in when I finally find wind in my sails... fatigue, time and money constrains, and sometimes just the odd dose of bad luck. What felt like a sprint a couple of weeks ago, feels like a batt

MrMisery

MrMisery

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