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Recent Entriesseriously though. at first i was ok with being a loner or "back up friend" cause ive had such trouble just keeping anyone in my life. but being the back up hurts and beign alone day in and day out just wears on you. i try continuously to "hang out" with people and the lame excuses are like a knife being twisted in my stomach. i try to suck it up. i try to convince myself they are really "busy" but deep down, i know im just plain ol not good enough.the group hikes that i signed up for, ended this past weekend. it was a 10 week thing. i really really enjoyed it, i liked the people that i hiked with, granted all were older than me and at a different stage of their life. people my age have little kids so its hard to find a same age connections. honestly i will take whatever i can get. I didnt make any connections though outside the hike but i enjoyed the conversations while there. im going to try to volunteer more, just to keep busy.if im struggling with loneliness at this age...how am i going to survive my life? i truly dont even know what to do anymore or what direction to go or if i should hold on to hope or if im wasting my time. i feel so empty and disregarded by life. like im here but no one notices nor cares. i end up becoming a "sucker" cause i try to please everyone just to keep people as a background noise in my life (coworkers, past friends) you know, they are there, but they dont really associate with you until they need something. i sadly allow them to do this.i lie in bed at night and wonder how my life would be different if i was a parent and then i wonder if i would of been a good parent. would my child turn out ok or have mental issues like me. maybe god chose this path for me so i wouldnt pass on to an innocent child mental problems so they wouldnt suffer. sometimes its hard to see people i graduated with all posting their kid photos on facebook. thats where i should be in life.i havent spoken about my sadness to a sole in a good 5 years now. you would of thought by doing so my life would of gotten better but that hasnt been the case for me. perhaps it wasnt the depression all this time but just me in general. you know who seem to like and gravitate towards me...kids...my coworkers kids. a 2 and half year old is the one person i totally look forward to seeing and talking to. he makes me smile and laugh. what does that say about me?well i guess i just needed to ramble today. my sad dose of pretending im talking to someone.
Usually, the sights of Spring lift my mood and provide a welcome relief from the winter gloom, but not this year. The wild violets are blooming in the yard, but all I can do is stare at them and feel empty. I see something funny, and though I can fake a smile, or laughter, there's no feeling behind it. I just can't feel the spectrum of emotions I should be able to. I'm either in a major depressive episode which is really, really bad, my meds have pooped out. I don't know which. All I do know is that I'm tired of fighting this.
*************************************Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation**********************************
I keep feeling like nothing will ever change, that it's always going to be this way. Even if I get better, it's all going to happen again. The fight just keeps getting harder, and maybe I've found the point where I just can't fight anymore. I'm too tired. Maybe this is how people feel when they've bobbed up and down in the water as long as they can, and they just can't fight their way back up again. At the same time, it's more than just being tired, it's also the knowledge that there's nothing "up there" worth the struggle. No matter what I do, this life is nothing but the struggle and the pain. Joy is forever out of reach.
I keep imagining ways of dying. That's not new, I've always struggled with those thoughts, but they seem more insistent when I'm down. It's hard to focus on anything to distract myself, so whenever my mind wanders, there come the thoughts again. Never quick and merciful, just graphic, violent, messy, painful ways to die. The stuff of nightmares. Curiously, I very rarely have graphic nightmares. Just graphic daydreams. I have to be awake to have nightmares. Sometimes it all seems like a nightmare.
I slept most of the day. I woke up feeling a little better for a while, but I'm crying again. I'm wonderinf if there may be a self inflicted reason I feel this way. For a long time, I tookturmeric, cumin, cayenne pepper, and black pepper each day religiously, and it seemed to help my fibro pain. I've cut back the last couple of months and now I wonder if that may be a contributing factor. I also cut back on tobacco, but have been unable to quit because I get anxious. I'm hoping these changes may be all I need to work on, and that I may not have to go through the whole medication-go-round again.
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Comfort zones lead to stagnation since we have no reason or room to grow. If we tread into the unknown, we must grow to survive and thrive in the unfamiliar territory.
Nobody can argue that comfort zones are nice as they make us feel safe and stress free. The only problem is that our world is constantly changing while our comfort zones remain the same. As a result, what was originally reassuring at one point in our life suddenly become a major challenge itself and we must make the decision to stay or leave.
Many teenagers live with their parents and have their own rooms. At the time, this was sufficient since the teenagers had his or her needs met by parents. However, these teenagers are in for a rude awakening when they become adults and must support themselves. For most of them, they no longer can simply stay in their room and hope their life needs are met.
With our world changing so rapidly as technology is growing at unprecedented rates, every single day can change dramatically compared to the previous day. We can no longer rely on comfort zones because it couldn’t possibly keep up with the changes of technology. Instead, we must venture out into the unknown to expand our comfort zone.
The larger our comfort zone, the better we are in adapting to different situations. Too often, we imagine ourselves as stepping out and leaving our comfort zone. We are really expanding the limits to include more of the unknown. The most successful people in the world are those whose comfort zone encompasses a lot of the unknown so no surprises really caught them unaware.
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I have been reluctant to write about my love life lately because the last time I did everything fell apart, but I must say that I am very happy right now and very content. I have a beautiful new apartment to move into with my boyfriend who is a true GEM of a guy. My last guy was amazing until I found out something that was a deal breaker for me, so I had to end it, but this one is absolutely incredible and perfect for me. He knows my past and promises he won't change on me or be someone he is not. He is very loving, genuine, kind, generous, successful, and a sheer joy to be with. He brings joy to my life and to my heart.
So we've decided to move in together.... in April we will be moving. He also says he knows already that he wants to marry me. I want to think and believe he is the right one for me, and right now I definitely do, but given my history, I am a little wary and skeptical, so I am waiting to see how all of this works out. I told him to wait six months and see if he feels the same way. He says he already knows he will. He's talked about putting a ring on my finger as soon as six months is up.
So right now I feel truly blessed and beyond happy. He brings me flowers, he tells me he misses me as soon as I leave, and he showers me with love and attention. It's wonderful. He's wonderful.
And I am SO excited about our apartment!!!! I cannot wait to decorate it together in the way that we want. We're both very similar. And the apartment itself is gorgeous -- two bedrooms, two bathrooms, two floors and in a very cool town with loads of fun restaurants and bars. It's perfect!
So here's my sweetheart!!! He's SO adorable.... I love him.... I'm in love!!!!
Note to Reader: I think I have explained my worldview/philosophy quite well and coherently. If it's still incoherent to you, then I give up and I just don't understand this. It's like presenting and explaining something so obvious and people still not getting it. It is important that others understand why my pleasant/positive emotions are the only things that make my life good, beautiful, and worth living. That is why I have written all of this. I present many arguments to support my worldview and I explain many things.
I am also trying to prove something to the world. This is an idea or a thesis I have come up with and I support this idea with all of these arguments in an attempt to prove it or, at least, put others in a position where they really keep an open mind to this idea and wonder if it could be true rather than dismissing and objecting to it. My own personal experience and struggles has led me to this new idea. If this idea of mine can be tested, then I do not have the means necessary to do that. I am just sharing my idea/worldview for what it is now.
Proof That Our Emotions Are The Perception Of Value: I talk about how our emotions allow us to perceive value. Many people would disagree with this idea because many people think that emotions are just simply emotions (i.e. how we feel about things) and nothing more. But I think this example I am going to give you might prove how our emotions really are the perception of value. When you, for example, feel fear from being in a dangerous situation, that feeling of fear is a chemical message to the brain which is telling your brain something.
It tells your brain "THREAT!!!" or "DANGER!!!" This would be no different than your brain getting the message "IT MATTERS!!!" When your brain gets that message of threat and danger, that allows you to perceive things and situations as being threatening and dangerous. When you perceive a situation as being threatening or dangerous, that is no different than perceiving that situation as something that matters to you because, if it's a threat or danger, then it matters.
Now, when something matters to you, this means it is something good or bad from your perspective. For example, if the loss of your loved one mattered to you or if getting a new movie is something that mattered to you, then this means those things had value from your perspective.
Therefore, when you feel fear, that is no different than your brain getting the message that this dangerous situation you felt fear from was something bad. So, I can honestly conclude that emotions are the message of value to our brains which means they really are the perception of value. But since people are in denial of this, then they are in denial of their own emotions.
That is why I do not trust humanity because people are often times in denial and delusional. Humanity currently believes in this idea that emotions being the source of value in our lives is for the weak-minded and that the real value comes about through our intellect, character, and morals. I think humanity is also in denial when it comes to their moral and intellectual based values because I don't think these are real values. In essence, my views oppose the vast majority of humanity.
I think the emotional values are the real values while the values founded upon morality, intellect, and character are the fake values. But humanity thinks the opposite. Humanity thinks I am the one who is delusional and in denial and I think it is humanity that is delusional and in denial. Another thing here. I think our emotional being is the higher self.
I do not think the higher self comes about through our intellect, morality, and character as advocated by religious and spiritual beliefs. Our true divine being is when we feel positive emotions. If you were in a euphoric state, then you would have transformed into a beautiful, divine being. You would be beautiful and your life would be beautiful. But when that euphoric feeling wears off, you lose that beauty both in yourself and in your life.
You become less beautiful and your life loses its beauty, too. Our negative emotions make us disgusting and horrible. They make our lives horrible and disgusting, too. When we are beautiful and our lives beautiful, we are in a mental paradise. We are in the realm of the light. Negative emotions put us into the realm of the darkness. Since our intellect, character, and morals alone give our lives no value, then they would be nothing to our lives.
That is why they are not our higher, divine self. They are nothing but the inner void (i.e. neither the realm of the light nor the realm of the dark). I will say one last thing here before moving on. Since our emotional being is the ultimate self, then to be in the worst, ill, emotional state of your life would be worse than all ailments. I have been there myself when I have struggled with much hopelessness in my life. These were the worst, crippled, ill states of my life.
Unlike all other ailments such as having the flu or being mentally disfigured, being in the worst hopeless state of your life is the true hell because it is where the beauty and joy of your life is completely taken away. Your life now has the worst, unhealthy value. As you can see here, our emotional state determines the type of value we have in our lives and it also determines the vitality and status of our higher, spiritual self. In addition, our emotional state also determines the type of value we as human beings have on the inside.
We cannot make ourselves horrible, disgusting, or beautiful people through our intellect, character, deeds, morals, and actions. It's also said that we create our own heaven or hell here on Earth. I disagree with this. I think it can only be our emotions that create our mental heaven or hell. This has been my own personal experience. Neither heaven nor hell is just the inner void. One last thing here. I, myself, am not a spiritual or religious believer. I am just someone keeping an open mind towards the idea that death is final or that there is an afterlife and a god. My worldview would apply to both a purely naturalistic universe and a spiritual/mystical universe.
Opening Statement/Summary: I might have actually been wrong when I said that our basic emotions are a sense in my book. But I still think they are a feeling version of value and that they are the chemical message to our brains that things are good, beautiful, bad, horrible, or disgusting. Our morality and intellect alone cannot be any real message of value to our brains.
It can only give us the thought of certain values and the belief that our lives have value, but not any real message of value to our brains. Having the real message of value to our brains is how we as human beings perceive real value in regards to certain things, moments, people, and situations. Without that real message, then we can only perceive the idea of value, but not any real value.
Thus, we would not be able to see any real value in our lives and we could only just have ideas in our minds of our lives having value. But humanity is currently being fooled into believing that the ideas themselves are the real perception of value when they never were. Believing that you are perceiving value through your intellect is not the same thing as actually perceiving value. This is what I discuss in this packet.
But if we live in a spiritual universe rather than a purely naturalistic one, then our basic emotions would be where our spirits/souls get the real message that things have value and worth in our lives. Our basic emotions would, thus, be the soul's inner light and inner darkness. The inner light is the message that things are good and beautiful while the inner darkness would be the message that things are bad, horrible, and disgusting.
How I feel is the only thing that determines the value of my life. As long as I feel pleasant emotions such as happiness, joy, excitement, and beauty from things, moments, and situations, then I perceive those things, moments, and situations as something profoundly joyful, good, and beautiful. As long as I cannot feel any unpleasant emotions such as misery, disgust, hopelessness, and rage in regards to things in my life, then I cannot perceive any horrible or disgusting value in regards to anything in my life.
Thus, even the most tragic event in my life such as the loss of my mother would not bother me at all as long as I could not feel any sadness or despair from her loss. I need to feel unpleasant emotions in order to perceive/experience the tragedy and horror of her loss. Sure, I could have the idea in my mind that her loss was something horrible.
But I would not be able to perceive that horrible value without my unpleasant emotions which is why her loss would not matter to me. Likewise, I need to feel pleasant emotions in order to perceive/experience the joy, beauty, and good value of things in this life. This personal experience clearly tells me that emotions are the real message of value to our brains and that our morality, character, and intellect alone cannot give our brains that message.
I am led to believe that other people are in denial of their personal experience to conclude otherwise and this is what I further expand on and talk about in the Q&A Section. I have had blissful dreams where I have felt profoundly beautiful bliss. It was something profoundly moving. In other words, this blissful state brought my life profound joy and beauty.
I cannot possibly fathom my morality, character, and intellect alone yielding such a profoundly beautiful and joyful experience in my life. Thus, this is another reason why I conclude that no mindset or attitude alone without the pleasant emotions can be any real source of beauty and joy in my life. It is another reason why I conclude that other people have to be delusional to somehow think that values founded upon morality, character, and intellect are real values.
To conclude this opening statement/summary, my positive emotions are what make things, moments, and situations in my life come alive in beauty and joy while my negative emotions make things, moments, and situations come alive in horror, disgust, and tragedy. In addition, I need my positive emotions in order to like, have a positive interest in, and enjoy things in my life such as my hobbies and certain television shows such as anime.
But, as I explain soon, positive emotions are very fleeting things. It is very unfortunate that the only thing that can make our lives good and beautiful (our positive emotions) is something very fleeting. One last thing here. I have no understanding of life or any given subject whatsoever.
Therefore, even if moral and intellectual based values are real values and I am simply unaware of and in denial of this, then I cannot really be put to blame or name called for this. It would be no different than how, if a person has no knowledge, training, or life experience when it comes to drawing, then that person would have no understanding of drawing and this person might have false ideas or notions when it comes to drawing.
In addition, that person would be no good at drawing just as how I am no good when it comes to having real values in my life independent of how I feel. The fact is, if there is a way to replace all the joy and beauty that my positive emotions offer me with a moral/intellectual form of beautiful and joyful value, then I am not awakened to this and it is impossible for me to fathom. That is the main reason why I am a hedonist.
I talk about hedonism soon enough. From my perspective, feeling profound joy and beauty from, for example, being out in a tropical paradise, is something natural, heavenly, and beautiful. I see that as a truly beautiful and good life to live. But, being in the worst hopeless, crippled state of your life is something unnatural, hell, and horrible. There is no way I can even begin to understand how such a life can hold any real beauty and good value. It, to me, is the opposite of what life is supposed to be.
I, myself, have been through such horrible moments in my life and it is beyond my comprehension and understanding how anyone could think that such a way of life can still be something beautiful if I just think a certain way, have a certain attitude, and make the best of things anyway. In addition, my positive emotions are the only things that make my life worth living for and they are the only things that make my hobbies worth doing since they are the only things that allow me to perceive worth.
Other Person's Response: Feelings do not have intrinsic values. Feelings are made up on the spot so to speak. They are extremely flexible. If they had substance they might start of the size of a elephant but end up flea size. No single value spans that range.
My Reply: I think they do because, as I mentioned earlier, our basic emotions are value judgments. Haven't you ever heard someone say to not listen to what your emotions tell you? Emotions tell you that certain things, people, or situations are disgusting, horrible, or beautiful. Furthermore, haven't you ever felt that someone in your life was a horrible or beautiful person? See, this is what I mean here when I say that emotions really are value judgments. Many people would deny this, but it is a fact.
So, you can see why I do not trust humanity and their values since so many people are in denial and are delusional. They are not awakened to the truth. I will also point out a quote which shows how emotions are value judgments. Although, I disagree with the idea of our reasoned thoughts being real value judgments since they are not the real message of value to our brains:
Emotions are value judgments too. For example, if you are physically hurt, and the doctor treating you causes you pain during treatment, do you become angry and bite him? No, because you are able to override your instinctive anger and fear at someone causing you pain with your ability to reason that the treatment is necessary and the pain is temporary. But a dog can't reason, and will bite to stop the person causing the pain. Both the instinctive emotions AND the reasoned thoughts are value judgments.
One last thing here. I do not agree that there are the higher emotions which are the emotions founded upon morality and intellect. I think it can only be the lower, basic emotions that are the real emotions. Just as how there is no moral and intellectual form of, for example, physical pain, physical pleasure, sight, hearing, smell, taste, heat, cold, hunger, and thirst, there can also be no moral and intellectual form of emotions and there can be no moral/intellectual message of value to our brains.
Our morality and intellect alone can only give us the idea of values, emotions, smell, colors, sounds, heat, cold, etc., but not any real form of those things. Pleasant (positive) emotions are the message of good and beautiful value to our brains and unpleasant (negative) emotions are the message of bad, horrible, and disgusting value to our brains. Unfortunately, positive emotions are very fleeting things. There are many people who struggle with depression due to no fault of their own and there are many people who struggle with misery and much despair in general.
Other Person's Response: There are many emotional theorists out there who claim that emotions are the perception/experience of value. It is a new idea that has recently developed. Your personal experience might have led you to this idea, but this idea is rejected. I think it is you who is falsely led to believe that your emotions allow you to perceive value. They are nothing more than just emotions and it is instead your intellect judging them as something beautiful or horrible. Here, I will give you the link to this new idea and why it is rejected:
My Reply: I think it is the other way around. I think you are wrong. My own personal experience definitely says they allow me to perceive my life as something horrible or beautiful. I have experienced horrible emotional states in my nightmares. They were horrible states to be in far beyond anything imaginable. There is no words to describe how horrible they were and they were completely different than the horrible ones in my waking life. They were far more disturbing and far more horrible than any emotional state I could ever experience in my waking life since we experience things far more beautiful and far more horrible in dream states than we do in our waking life.
A dream state is like going very deep into our own minds and, as a result, we experience things far more profoundly than we do in our waking life. Intellect is just words and ideas and words/ideas alone cannot allow me to experience something so horrible. Words and ideas alone also cannot allow me to experience the sheer beauty and joy that my positive emotions bring my life. I think we as human beings need to live by a whole new standard of value. It is a standard that goes beyond words and ideas. As I explain later on, our positive emotions are like a divine life force of pure beauty and joy experienced within our conscious being. These are values that transcend words and ideas. No other value standard/system can ever compare to this.
Sure, I have used words in describing what my emotions are like for me. But the emotions themselves are a form of beauty, joy, and horror that transcends words since emotions are not value judgments founded upon words and ideas, but value judgments founded upon how we feel. They are feeling judgments rather than intellectual judgments. With all of this being said, I will continue to say a few more things before moving on. There were many ideas in the past that people rejected, but such ideas came to be true later on. For example, many people used the think the Earth was flat and that all the neurons we had were the neurons we were born with. New ideas surfaced such as that the Earth was a sphere and that our brains grow new neurons.
These ideas came to be true later on regardless of how false they seemed at the time. So, perhaps this emotional perceptual theory is one of those new ideas that will become true later on. However, I will consider the possibility that I am wrong here. If I really am wrong, then perhaps it is the way my brain is wired. For me, my emotions might truly be the perception of value since I have wired my brain this way through my lifestyle and other factors. Perhaps if I rewired my brain to perceive value through my intellect, morality, and character, I would be able to perceive/experience the beauty and joy that my positive emotions have offered me. But, this time, it would be through my intellect. Maybe this is the reason why other people claim that they are able to perceive value through their intellect.
For now, I will just go with the idea that it can only be our emotions that allow us to perceive value since this is my worldview I have right now and this is my own personal experience that has led me to this worldview. Until I have a new personal experience that convinces me otherwise, this is the view I will have for now. People will deny my personal experience and claim that my emotions are nothing more than just emotions and not any real perception of value. I will always find myself disagreeing with them since I know what I have experienced. At the same time, I would deny the personal experience of others and claim that their morality, character, and intellect alone does not allow them to perceive any real value. But they will always disagree with me, too. They will claim that they know what they have experienced and they will also come up with their own personal arguments to support their views just like how I am coming up with my own personal arguments to support my views.
In essence, we both disagree with each other and it will lead nowhere. It will be like I am talking to a brick wall and it would be like others are talking to a brick wall when they try to convince me that my views are false. Nonetheless, these are my personal views and I wish to share them to people who need to be aware of them such as my family and mental health professionals. One last thing here. If emotions are something to be compared to a sense as described in that link you posted, then, as I said earlier, there can be no moral/intellectual form of senses such as hunger, thirst, smell, etc. This is why I conclude that there can be no moral/intellectual form of emotions. Emotions allow us to perceive value just as how hearing allows us to perceive sound and how sight allows us to perceive colors. But our intellect alone cannot do this.
Other Person's Response: Words are very powerful things. I think words themselves really can bring our lives real value. If I truly believe the words "My life is something beautiful" or "This universe is something amazing," then that is enough to make my life something beautiful and amazing.
My Reply: But there is a big difference between words and our mental states. You see, it's not about the words. It's about what mental state we are in. I need to be in the mental state that brings my life the true beauty and joy. That state would be my positive emotions. Just because you have those words going through your mind does not mean your actual mental state is a state where you are truly perceiving and experiencing the beauty and joy of this life and universe. I could say the same thing about hunger and thirst.
Just because you have the words going through your mind that you are hungry and thirsty does not mean you are actually hungry and thirsty. Hunger and thirst are mental states and, in order to be hungry and thirsty, you need to be in those mental states. Words themselves won't give you hunger and thirst. The brain gets the signal to make us feel hungry and thirsty and that is why hunger and thirst are mental states. If you wish to perceive and experience real hunger and thirst, then it's quite simple. You need to feel hungry and thirsty.
Likewise, in order to perceive and experience real value, then you need to feel positive or negative emotions. With all of this being said, you can see why I said earlier that we as human beings need to go beyond words and ideas. We are fooled into thinking that having value in our lives is all about the words we think, the decisions we make, what mindset and attitude we have, our strength of character, morals, etc. Sure, these are factors that would help us feel positive emotions. But these factors in of themselves do not give our lives value.
Therefore, humanity needs to instead base the value of their lives upon this factor which would be this very question: "Are you in the mental state that allows you to truly perceive and experience good value, love, joy, happiness, and beauty? Or do you just simply believe this is a mental state that allows you to perceive and experience those things?" By the way, perceiving and experiencing are the same thing. If you are experiencing the color red, then you are perceiving the color red. Likewise, if you are perceiving value, then you are experiencing value.
Other Person's Response: You are like one of those conspiracy theorists. You claim that what almost everyone believes is a lie. Virtually everyone believes that our morality, character, and intellect are real value judgments that allow us to perceive value. But you claim this is all a lie.
My Reply: It could really be all a lie. After all, many people in the past believed that the Earth was flat and that all the neurons we have are the ones we are born with. But that was all a lie.
Other Person's Response: You talk about the lower, basic emotions being the real emotions. What are these lower, basic emotions?
My Reply: An example would be if you felt sexually aroused, if you felt panic from being in a dangerous situation, or if you felt excited to go to the carnival. They are very fleeting though. I will admit, it is a sad life for the only good and beautiful thing to be something fleeting. But isn't life sad already? There are many diseases, much suffering, many losses, etc.
Other Person's Response: I have been hopeless and depressed many times in my life. There were many moments in my life where I could not feel positive emotions no matter what I did or thought. But I can assure you that doing things in my life such as contributing to the world is something I truly perceive as something great and beautiful. This isn't just an idea going through my mind. It is something that truly matters to me. So, your worldview is wrong.
My Reply: You would be perceiving something, but it wouldn't be any good or beautiful value. According to my worldview, we would have to redefine what it is you are perceiving. Just to give an example, if you perceived the fact that the Earth revolves around the sun and you said that you were perceiving value, then you wouldn't be perceiving value. So, I would say to you from there that you would just be perceiving a fact of life. Therefore, if you were depressed, couldn't feel any positive emotions, you looked at a bunch of roses, and reported to me that you were truly perceiving these roses as something beautiful, then I would say to you from there that you wouldn't be perceiving them as beautiful. Rather, you would just be perceiving them as colorful, bright, vivid, attention-getting, etc.
As for something mattering to you, this would have to be redefined as well. When we truly perceive value, that is a state of mind where something matters to you. But since our intellect, character, and morality alone cannot allow us to perceive value, then we would also say that it can't make anything matter to us. So, instead of saying that the roses mattered to you, we would say that you were in a state of mind that resembles a state where something matters to you, but is not an actual state of mind where something matters to you. Such a state would simply be an intention or an exclamatory state. For example, you could say the exclamatory statement "Those roses are so beautiful!" without that statement actually mattering to you.
Thus, the state of mind you would be in when saying that statement would simply be an exclamatory state and nothing more. Likewise, when a depressed or miserable person makes contributions to the world such as works of art, this person would just simply be having the intention of inspiring and helping others. But it would just be an intention and nothing more. It wouldn't actually matter to that depressed individual. Of course, if that depressed person felt sad and miserable in regards to others suffering instead of feeling sad and miserable in regards to something else, then helping and inspiring others would matter to that person. But it would make that person's life bad and . It can only be our positive emotions that make our lives good.
So, it can only be our positive emotions that make our lives matter to us in good and beautiful ways. Likewise, our negative emotions are the only things that make our lives matter to us in bad, horrible, tragic, and disgusting ways. But, like I was saying, you can have intentions without anything mattering to you. For example, if you were completely apathetic where nothing mattered to you, then you could still have the intention of getting a glass of water, choosing a certain item, or putting something on the shelf. With all of this being said, I think humanity is confused and has it all backwards.
They live their lives by a false definition of good, bad, emotions, what makes things matter, etc. They confuse these false definitions with the actual mental states themselves. Thus, they are falsely led to believe that their morality, character, and intellect alone can allow them to perceive value in their lives and that it can allow things to matter to them, but none of it being true. There is a big difference between our mental states and our personal definitions. I think people are too focused on these definitions and are in denial of their own mental states. But I am not in denial.
I have gone beyond these definitions and have come to realize the true and absolute mental state that gives our lives the real beauty, good value, and joy. That state obviously being our positive emotions. I am a free thinker, don't pay attention to what others claim, and I come to my own personal truths. This worldview is my own personal truth and whether it is the truth for all of humanity I am not exactly 100% sure yet. It could be, but I might be wrong. But if it is true, then I would have discovered an absolute good and bad that people were blind to and in denial of this entire time.
Other Person's Response: Who are you to tell me how to live my life and what makes my life beautiful?
My Reply: This was never meant to be offensive or insulting. I am no different than an innovator coming up with a new idea or making a claim. That's all it is. This worldview of mine is just an idea/claim and all I am doing is just sharing it. As far as evidence goes, like I said before, I know nothing when it comes to life or any given subject. Therefore, even if there were evidence out there to support my claim, I would not know how to go about finding that evidence. As a result, I would leave it up to others to find the evidence if they want to or not.
But there is already a worldview out there that makes the same claim. That worldview would be hedonism as I soon talk about. The fact that there are so many hedonists out there in the world in this modern society almost makes me want to think that my worldview is true. I mean, we as human beings are hardwired to seek pleasure and to avoid pain and misery. This wiring could be a hint or a clue pointing towards my worldview being true. But, like I said before, I do not think there is a moral and intellectual form of pleasure and displeasure.
Other Person's Response: Good and bad do not exist. Life just is and we live it.
My Reply: Even if I believed that, my life would still be empty without my positive emotions. It would still be as though something good is missing out of my life. This proves here that good and bad really do exist. Also, if anyone were to have a positive attitude in regards to saying something to me such as that I don't need to live any sort of good, beautiful, worthwhile life and that I can be just fine living a life of misery or a life without my positive emotions, then their positive attitude already presupposes that my life can have good value, beauty, and worth during those miserable and unhappy moments. Therefore, we all need to live good, beautiful, and worthwhile lives because giving advice to someone else with a positive attitude already presupposes that the person can live a good life.
It would be no way to live without any positive perception in our lives. Therefore, you can never leave out the positive (the good) in life. I think positive emotions are the only things that can make our lives positive and that they are the only way we can see things in life from a positive perspective. The same idea applies to negative emotions making us see things in life from a negative perspective. Sure, you could force yourself to have a positive attitude in life even if you felt negative emotions or if you felt apathetic and you could force yourself to have a negative attitude in life if you felt apathetic or if you felt positive emotions, but our tones, attitudes, acts, and expressions do not always reflect the mental state we are in.
Just because people have had positive attitudes and changed the world for the better despite feeling misery and despair does not mean that their actual mental state was a state of perceiving any real beauty, good value, worth, and joy in their lives. I think depressed and miserable people are truly dead on the inside and they have not realized this yet. One last thing here. If someone was completely apathetic where nothing mattered to that person at all, he had a completely apathetic attitude, and said the statement "Life doesn't need to be anything positive, good, or beautiful. Just live life as it is," then how would you expect anybody to take such advice? The fact is, we as human beings need to be alive on the inside. We need that positive mental state that gives our lives beautiful value. But I think humanity has the wrong definition of a positive mental state.
Other Person's Response: What would it take for moral and intellectual based values to be real values in your life?
My Reply: It would require that this intellectual mental state be one that brings my life beauty and joy just like my positive emotions. It has to be the real message of value to my brain. The factor that would be necessary to make this such a mental state would be a factor that goes beyond character strength, morality, words, and ideas. Let's pretend for a moment that humanity has claimed that there is an intellectual form of hunger and thirst and that people have been hungry and thirsty through their intellect. We know this is not true since the intellectual brain does not experience hunger and thirst. But let's just pretend humanity has made this claim anyway. I would find myself very skeptical and doubtful about that claim since I, myself, have never experienced any real hunger and thirst through my intellectual brain.
Intellect has only just given me words of hunger and thirst, but no real hunger and thirst. Sure, intellect has made me feel hungry and thirsty at times when I have thought of delicious foods, but my intellect alone does not allow me to experience hunger and thirst. Hunger and thirst is experienced in a different region of the brain. I talk more about the different brain regions and how our brains are wired. It is an example with a therapist. You will come across that reply later on. But, like I was saying, in order for me to experience intellectual hunger and thirst, I would have to look beyond factors such as character strength, morality, words, and ideas. Even though these are factors founded upon intellect, the real factor I would have to look at is the actual mental state itself and find out if I truly am hungry and thirsty or not.
This is the analogy I give for moral and intellectual based values. In other words, I would have to look beyond those factors I mentioned earlier and find out for myself if I truly am in the mental state where I am perceiving real beauty, good value, and joy in my life. Remember, I am not a person who is easily fooled. In other words, I won't just blindly accept moral and intellectual based values as being real values simply because others tell me things such as that character strength and words are very powerful things that give our lives the greater value or that basic emotions are just trivial things. Personally, I am convinced that we cannot experience value through our intellectual brains just like how we can't experience hunger and thirst through our intellect.
Value has to be experienced elsewhere in the brain and that would be the emotional areas of the brain. Our intellectual brain is the area of the brain meant for ideas and analysis. If you were in the process of making a certain decision in your life, then your intellect just allows you to think things through. But it is you feeling a positive or negative emotion which gives your brain the message of "Wow, what a wonderful idea (a positive emotion)" or "Man, that is such a horrible idea (a negative emotion)." As you can see here, our intellect and emotional brain have to work together.
It is you thinking certain thoughts through your intellect that allows you to feel certain emotions. It is these emotions that determine the type of value you perceive. Sure, our emotions are an unreliable source of value, but they are still the only things that allow us to perceive value. The very fact that our emotions are unreliable is yet another one of those factors that fools humanity into believing moral and intellectual based values are the real values. Again, I do not go by these factors. I go by my own personal experience. I go by what mental state truly brings my life real joy and beauty. It doesn't matter the implications or what others say; this is my own personal experience and this is what gives my life real value.
Other Person's Response: Emotions aren't the only things that give our lives value.
My Reply: The only way something can have value from your perspective is if it matters to you. When something matters to you, that is a form of drive or motivation. Emotions are a synonym for drive and motivation. Therefore, emotions really are the only things that can give our lives value. How would it make any sense to say that something matters to you if you were in a completely apathetic state? If you said something while completely apathetic such as "Gee, this really matters to me," then how would it matter to you? It just makes no sense to me to say that there is more to life than our emotions.
Other Person's Response: I just don't agree that values are reduced to something biological such as basic emotions. I don't think value can be compared to something such as hunger and thirst. There is just so much more to life than looking at things from a purely biological perspective.
My Reply: I think it's all about biology and looking at how the brain actually works. It is about looking at the brain and realizing what brain regions allow us to experience this or that. Even though I know nothing about neuroscience, I am just very curious about this whole idea that our intellect and morality alone can somehow allow us to experience real value when I, myself, have never had that experience. Hunger, thirst, smell, taste, heat, and cold are all sensations. When you feel a positive, basic emotion such as being excited to get a new movie or when you feel sexually aroused, this would be a sensation as well. It would be a sensation of pure beauty and joy since positive emotions are what bring our lives beauty and joy.
In order for our intellectual and moral based values to be real values, then our intellectual brain would have to allow us to experience a sensation of pure beauty, horror, disgust, etc. In other words, our intellectual brain would have to allow us to experience something just like our basic emotions. If our intellectual and moral based values cannot give us such an experience and if these are values founded upon nothing more than our intentions, choices, character, mindsets/attitudes, and morals, then they cannot be real values. That all goes back to what I said earlier. Our basic emotions are to be compared to sensations such as hunger and thirst. In order to have an intellectual form of hunger and thirst, then the intellectual brain would have to experience the actual sensation of hunger and thirst.
We know the intellectual brain cannot experience this. Likewise, in order to have real intellectual and moral based values, then our intellectual brain would have to experience the actual sensation of value that comes about through our basic emotions. I realize people describe their moral and intellectual based values as being emotional and that they are actual feelings, but that would be no different than saying that the mindset alone of being hungry and thirsty is actual hunger and thirst. To say that would be putting forth a false definition of hunger and thirst. I guess you could technically describe the mindset alone of being hungry and thirsty as being a feeling if you wish to describe all mental states, including intellectual states, as being feelings. But, again, it wouldn't be actual hunger and thirst.
Other Person's Response: *****
Are emotions perceptions of value?
Jérôme Dokic &Stéphane Lemaire
Pages 227-247 | Received 13 Mar 2013, Accepted 29 May 2013, Published online: 03 Sep 2013
A popular idea at present is that emotions are perceptions of values. Most defenders of this idea have interpreted it as the perceptual thesis that emotions present (rather than merely represent) evaluative states of affairs in the way sensory experiences present us with sensible aspects of the world. We argue against the perceptual thesis. We show that the phenomenology of emotions is compatible with the fact that the evaluative aspect of apparent emotional contents has been incorporated from outside. We then deal with the only two views that can make sense of the perceptual thesis.
On the response–dependence view, emotional experiences present evaluative response-dependent properties (being fearsome, being disgusting, etc.) in the way visual experiences present response-dependent properties such as colors. On the response–independence view, emotional experiences present evaluative response-independent properties (being dangerous, being indigestible, etc.), conceived as ‘Gestalten’ independent of emotional feelings themselves. We show that neither view can make plausible the idea that emotions present values as such, i.e., in an open and transparent way. If emotions have apparent evaluative contents, this is in fact due to evaluative enrichments of the non-evaluative presentational contents of emotions
:) This uses big words but in essence states what I understand about emotions
There are more abstracts but for the articles you have to pay
I respect your views but disagree
Won't do any more unless something interesting comes up
I won't be looking so it would have to be serendipity
My Reply: I'm not exactly sure what was just said since it is beyond my comprehension, but I will just say this. For me, my basic, pleasant emotions are profoundly beautiful and joyful states to be in. It's as though they truly are the experience of joy and beauty itself and not just simply a matter of me thinking them as being such. It's truly as though they really are the chemical message to my brain that things, moments, and situations are good and beautiful in my life. I have great insight into myself and into my own personal experiences. So, I could be right when saying this. I am able to, for example, detect the slightest symptoms when I have some sort of physical ailment that has not yet become severe. With such great insight into my own personal experience, I could be right when saying that our basic emotions are the real message of value to our brains and that our morality and intellect is not the real message of value to our brains.
I have, in fact, compared my moral and intellectual value judgments to my basic emotions. I can honestly tell you that, for me, my moral and intellectual value judgments are nothing in comparison. Me thinking and believing that nature and this universe is something good and beautiful is nothing but empty words without the positive emotions. This has been my own personal experience when I have struggled with much misery in my life. During these miserable moments, nothing I thought or did made my life anything good and beautiful. It is only once those feel-good biochemicals restored that all the joy, good value, and beauty returned all on its own back into my life again.
That is, it is only once I have fully recovered from those hopeless moments that all the beautiful value returned back into my life again all on its own. This clearly tells me that our basic emotions really are the chemical message of value to our brains. I could also clearly tell that those miserable and hopeless moments I've been through truly were the most profoundly horrible states to be in and not a matter of me just thinking they were something profoundly horrible. This tells me, too, that misery and hopeless emotional states are the chemical message of horrible value to our brains. With all of this being said, I really think hedonism was the correct worldview all along. According to hedonism, pleasant emotions are the only good things in life and unpleasant emotions are the only bad things in life. Here is the link to hedonism:
Other Person's Response: I have no doubts about your personal feelings and emotions. However if feelings and emotions have a built in value they would be like gravity. They would act the same with everyone. They don't because they don't.
My Reply: Sure, many people do act as though pleasant emotions are the only good things in life like how I do. But then there are people who act as though they aren't. As a matter of fact, there are masochists which would be the opposite of hedonists. They claim they love feelings of misery and despair and that it brings their lives good value. But just because people act certain ways does not mean that these people are speaking the truth. For example, there are people in this world who believe and act as though certain things are true. But said things are false. An example would be with people who believe in Thor or believe that we must repent our sins lest we be cast into an eternal lake of fire (fundamentalist Christianity). The masochists could be delusional and in denial of their personal experience regardless of what they do, think, and how they act.
I mentioned earlier that humanity is often times delusional and in denial. From my own personal experience, positive emotions are the only way we can love, like, enjoy, and perceive good value in things and situations. Therefore, as for masochists, they would have to have had a pleasant/positive emotion on some level allowing them to love, like, enjoy, and perceive good value in having misery in their lives. Otherwise, they would just be delusional. They think they can love, like, enjoy, and perceive good value through their toughness and character alone when that is not true. Lastly, as for people who act as though they have higher emotions through their sense of morality and intellect and display acts of emotion through their intellect, character, and morality, this could be no different than how a robot can act emotional, but has no real emotion.
Other Person's Response: Your making my case
And you kept making it
And I bet if any of the person's you mentioned fell out of a hot air balloon at hight they would fall to Earth at the same rate :)
Contrast that with emotions
My Reply: I have to disagree no matter what anyone says to me otherwise. I know what I have experienced. Especially with those horrible crippled nightmare states I talk about in my book which were far worse than the crippled states of my waking life. Most people would tell me that I am just weak, childish, cowardly, and selfish for giving up on things in my life in the face of misery and hopelessness, for me to claim that these feelings were so horrible, and for me to say that my life was the worst hell devoid of any good value and beauty during those moments. I think this is false because, again, these were not just emotional states and nothing more. They were truly the experience of something profoundly horrible.
It could be the case that we create our reality of experience by the type of worldview we have. Since the worldview I have says that our basic emotions have a built-in value, then, for me, this could really be the case since this would be the type of experience I have created for myself. In which case, having a different worldview should render my basic emotions as no longer having any built-in value. In other words, they should now become nothing more than just emotional states. Instead, the experience of beautiful and horrible value would come about through my morality, character, and intellect rather than through my basic emotions. I am not sure if this is the case and I keep an open mind to it.
But if other people are going to make the claim that my basic emotions will always be the same experience for me no matter what type of worldview I have and that this is all just a matter of me needing to toughen up and deal with them in order to make my life something beautiful despite feeling them, then I really have to disagree with this. I think only a crazy person would think this because it is simply beyond my comprehension how anyone could think that my life can be something beautiful during such profoundly horrible hopeless/miserable states. If my basic emotions are going to be the same experience for me no matter what type of worldview I have, then I disagree with the notion that they do not have any built-in value.
Other Person's Response: You appear to be missing the point
Your emotions are never going to be the same from minute to minute let alone over your lifetime
If if if they did have a value THEN yes your life would be the same same
Gravity will remain the same over your lifetime so don't fall out of hot air balloons at hight expecting its value to change so you land gently
My Reply: So, are you saying to me that my basic emotions, for me, really do have the built-in value, but only because this is the type of experience I have created for myself through my worldview and that, if I were to have a change in my worldview, that this should change my whole experience to where my basic emotions are just simply emotions and no longer the profoundly horrible or beautiful experiences they once were?
Other Person's Response: Emotions do not have any built in unchangeable value
YOUR emotions are made up on the spot from moment to moment
How much they fluctuate within you really does depend on a myriad of factors happening with you at your NOW moment
What ever you do which causes your emotions to change, a trigger (even triggers are changeable) remains personal to you and to the NOW moment
Emotions just are - no values built in - very personal
You can't even extract emotions (they have no Physicality) for comparison
My Reply: But do they have a built-in changeable value? I take it you are already saying that they have no built-in value of any kind. That's what I was asking earlier was that if I have created my own built-in values through my worldview into these basic emotions and that if this could change if I had a change in my worldview. You said earlier that my emotions won't be the same experience for me throughout my lifetime and that's the reason why I was asking this question. As it stands though, I have yet to have some sort of personal experience that convinces me that moral and intellectual based values can be real values in my life.
So far, I haven't. As a matter of fact, I do not recall a single given moment in my entire life where they ever were. Sure, I did do things that my mother told me were good regardless of how I felt and I did refrain from doing certain things that my mother told me were bad when I was a child, but I never recall moral and intellectual based values ever being real values in my life. I am 29 years old now. I have always lived my life having fun and enjoying my life and hobbies as though this was the truly good and beautiful life to live.
Other Person's Response: Just because your personal experience says so does not make it so.
My Reply: I know you would disagree with the idea of our basic emotions having built-in values, but go ask other people and scientists in this world. They would say otherwise. They would agree with my idea that our basic emotions have a built-in value to them. As a matter of fact, I have engaged with one skeptic/neuroscientist who agrees that our basic emotions are value judgments. His username would be Nikki Nyx of the Skeptics Society Forum. I will point out the link to the very post he talks about emotions being value judgments. His post is quite long. But look for what he says here and I will, again, quote it out:
Emotions are value judgments too. For example, if you are physically hurt, and the doctor treating you causes you pain during treatment, do you become angry and bite him? No, because you are able to override your instinctive anger and fear at someone causing you pain with your ability to reason that the treatment is necessary and the pain is temporary. But a dog can't reason, and will bite to stop the person causing the pain. Both the instinctive emotions AND the reasoned thoughts are value judgments.
Other Person's Response: Thanks for the information. I will check out that skeptic/neuroscientist you talked about.
My Reply: At the same time, there are also many people who disagree just like how you disagree. Maybe we really don't know the truth then. But I am just going with the idea that they really do have built-in values to them based upon my own personal experience. What's interesting here is that I never heard anybody or any scientist ever tell me that our basic emotions have any built-in values to them. I discovered this on my own through my own personal experience. Sure enough, I came up with the idea that our emotions have built-in values to them and such an idea was supported by other scientists. This proves here that I really do have great insight into my own personal experience and, who knows, I could also be right when I say that our moral and intellectual based values are not real values.
As it stands though, it seems to me we live in a world where people mostly argue and debate and that we really don't know the answer one way or the other. There are certain things we do widely agree upon as human beings such as the idea that, if you drink poison, that would be lethal to you. There is no disagreement about that. So, we know this is a fact. But then there are things that we just argue and debate about. One side thinks they know the truth and the other side thinks they know the truth. But perhaps none of them know the truth and they just think they do.
An example would be debates between believers in the afterlife and people who think this is the one and only life we have. There is much claimed evidence for the afterlife, but, at the same time, skeptics would reject such claimed evidence and they would claim that they instead have all the evidence to support the idea that this is the one and only life we have. If we knew the truth as to whether there being an afterlife is something likely or not, there would be no debates about it just as how there would be no debates as to whether drinking poison would be something lethal to you or not.
Other Person's Response: I don't think having value in our lives works like sounds, smells, colors, tastes, etc.
My Reply: If a therapist told you to visualize a certain scene, visualize certain colors, or to hear a certain sound, then the thought itself of a scene, colors, and that sound would just be the idea of those things, but not any real form of those things just yet. It is only once that thought sends the signal to the audio and visual cortex of your brain that you are able to perceive real sounds, colors, and images. The same rule would apply to hunger, thirst, taste, and smell.
It is only once the thought of your favorite food or drink or the thought of a certain taste and smell sends the signal that you would then be having real hunger, thirst, taste, and smell. This is just how our brains work and having value in our lives would be no different. It is only once a certain thought sends the signal to make you feel a positive or negative emotion that you would then be perceiving real good or bad value in your life depending on which emotion you feel.
In addition, these basic emotions that our thoughts make us feel are the only real emotions and there is no emotion that can come about through our intellect and morality alone as I mentioned earlier. But if you were to have some sort of mental illness that prevented thoughts from making you feel certain emotions, then you wouldn't have those real emotions or any of those real values in your life.
It would be no different than a person who has lost his sense of smell, taste, hearing, hunger, thirst, and sight. A blind and deaf person cannot have any real visuals and sounds in his life just as how a depressed or apathetic person cannot have any real good value and beauty in his life either. One last thing. Even if emotions were induced by drugs rather than by thoughts, they would still be value judgments that give our lives value.
Other Person's Response: Your worldview is very selfish since you are saying that it is only you feeling good that makes your life good.
My Reply: I have every reason to be convinced of this though. So, how can anyone really blame me for being self-centered, pleasure-seeking, seeing no reason to live without my positive emotions, and wanting the eternal blissful afterlife of my dreams and to become very disappointed if such a life were to not exist for me? Especially after all the horrible miserable moments I've been through in my life.
Other Person's Response: I find all of this very offensive, to be honest.
My Reply: I don't care how offensive the things I say are to you or anyone else; I am sick and tired of my own personal experience being dismissed, denied, and thrown out the window. I am tired of people telling me that my basic emotions are just simply pleasant and unpleasant feelings and nothing more. They are far more than that. They are the experience of beautiful and horrible value in my life. As a result, I will share and express these views of mine regardless of how much it offends others.
Other Person's Response: I am a depressed individual who cannot feel positive emotions. Making the lives of others good and beautiful does not have to be anything good and beautiful in my life. As long as it is something that made the lives of others good and beautiful, then that is what matters.
My Reply: You are having a positive attitude in regards to the idea that others are living good and beautiful lives. This attitude implies that you are perceiving it as a good and beautiful thing that the lives of others are something beautiful. In other words, your attitude implies that making the lives of others beautiful is something beautiful in your life because, if you perceive something to be beautiful, then it's beautiful in your life and if others perceive something as beautiful, then it is something beautiful in their lives.
This positive attitude of yours would have to be delusional since you wouldn't be perceiving it as a beautiful thing as long as you did not feel any positive emotions. It doesn't matter even if you were the most depressed, miserable genius artist in the world making all sorts of amazing works of art and contributing them to the world; all of it would amount to nothing in your life as long as you did not feel positive emotions in doing so to make that endeavor something joyful, good, beautiful, and worthwhile.
This would have to mean that all those miserable, depressed genius artists were delusional since they believed that their artistic endeavors were something beautiful in their lives with no need for positive emotions. I, myself, plan on being a composer and I need my positive emotions in order to fully dedicate myself to this new hobby of mine.
Other Person's Response: This is a completely sheltered worldview you have going here. You are wrong. Plain and simple. Our basic, lower emotions aren't really that important. I think you need to get out more and experience more to come to this realization. As it currently stands, you are very limited and I would really love to see you break past this barrier. I do not want to see you ruled and dominated by these emotions.
My Reply: When you watch a movie, you will notice there are sounds, visuals, colors, a story line, plot, climax, and an ending to it. But there is something more in a movie as well which would be the atmosphere. If all the characters in the movie just played out the whole movie in a completely monotonous manner, then that would be a dull movie. There would be no joyful, beautiful, or horrible atmosphere at all to that movie. This is what our basic, lower emotions do.
They create the mental atmosphere for us in our lives whether that atmosphere be something joyful, beautiful, loving, disgusting, etc. Without that atmosphere, then our lives would have no value since it would be a dull, valueless atmosphere. Sure, people do act emotional through their intellect and morality as I pointed out earlier.
But, on the inside, these people would be like empty vessels and they would really be having no atmosphere at all in their lives without their basic, lower emotions. My basic, lower emotions create my entire atmosphere and this has been my own personal experience. My morality and intellect alone does not create any type of atmosphere whatsoever. All I am doing is just sharing to you my own personal experience.
There were many moments where I was happy, many moments where I was completely hopeless and miserable, and there were also many moments in my life where I was completely numb inside. All of these moments have given me great insight into these basic, lower emotions and just how vital they really are. Many people are led to believe that they aren't that important, that they are trivial, and that we just need to be tough and rule over them rather than allowing them to rule over us.
But I think they are absolutely vital and many people are in denial. I have pointed out earlier how people are already in denial when it comes to these basic, lower emotions since they are denying the fact that they are value judgments. However, I am open minded to the possibility that I am just allowing them to rule the atmosphere of my life. If I can somehow create my own atmosphere rather than my basic emotions doing that for me, then that would be great since I would be the one in charge of my life rather than my basic emotions. But I am not sure this is even possible.
One last thing here. Positive emotions are the reward wanting and liking as pointed out by this study. I will give the link to the study soon enough. If you were to conduct a survey and ask many people if their positive emotions are a form of wanting and liking, they would say "no." These people would instead tell you that it is their morality and intellect which allows them to want and like things. This also shows here that these people are in denial when it comes to their positive emotions because they deny the fact that they are a form of wanting and liking.
It is through our positive emotions that we want and like things such as if you felt excited about the idea of getting a new movie or video game. Since people are in denial, then why would you expect me to trust them when they make the claim that their morality and intellect is a real form of value and a real form of wanting and liking in their lives? I have only my own personal experience to go by and I cannot trust humanity no matter the things they say. With all of this being said, here is the study:
We have found a special hedonic hotspot that is crucial for reward 'liking' and 'wanting' (and codes reward learning too). The opioid hedonic hotspot is shown in red above. It works together with another hedonic hotspot in the more famous nucleus accumbens to generate pleasure 'liking'.
‘Liking’ and ‘wanting’ food rewards: Brain substrates and roles in eating disorders
Kent C. Berridge 2009 Mar 29.
Other Person's Response: But what about people who say that their basic, positive emotions are value judgments and that they are wanting and liking, but also claim that their morality and intellect are real value judgments and wanting and liking?
My Reply: There is the difference between the knowledge we learn from studying up on things and observation as opposed to the type of knowledge we learn from personal experience. The types of people you've pointed out could just be saying these things based upon the things they've studied up on and learned and the things they've observed. But my knowledge was acquired through personal experience and paying very close attention to my own mental states and what they are like for me.
I just think that people lack a sense of introspection since they are so focused on other things in life whether these things be obligations, responsibilities, and the knowledge they were taught. I do not base the value of my life upon these factors. I base it all upon my own personal experience. Therefore, all I am asking is that others suspend these factors and instead pay close attention to their own mental states. If they are successful in their introspection, then they should come to the realization that their moral and intellectual based value judgments are nothing compared to the positive emotions they feel.
They should come to realize that positive emotions are the true and absolute mental states to be in that give our lives the real good value, joy, and beauty. In addition, they should also come to the realization, if they haven't already, that their basic emotions really are value judgments and that positive emotions really are a form of wanting and liking. But if people still claim that, for example, being there for their families during their miserable moments is something that goes beyond the positive emotions they feel and that this is something that gives real good value to their lives, then I have nothing more to say. That is their personal experience and I have no way of knowing for sure if they are telling the truth or if they are still in denial.
Other Person's Response: I have to disagree with your worldview. People have lived their lives as though their moral and intellectual values have brought their lives real value and that is enough to convince me. I am not convinced of the arguments you are making to support your case.
My Reply: Then this argument should really give you an open mind. People have lived their lives as though their basic emotions were never real value judgments in the first place. Many people to this very day live like this. They treat them as nothing more than just mere pleasant and unpleasant feelings.
If they were real value judgments all along, then I could also say that many people to this very day live their lives as though their moral and intellectual value judgments are real value judgments when they were never real value judgments. Therefore, if someone is living in denial one particular way, then it is quite possible that he/she is living in denial in another way, too. For example, if you were to present two boxes of money to someone.
One box being a counterfeit and another being real money, then if you were to ask this person which set is real and which set is fake, then the person who believes the real is fake would also believe that the fake is real. It takes someone with a bit of a keen sense such as myself to know which set is real and which set is fake. Many people in this world just do not have this keen sense into their own mental states like I do.
Now, if it is the case that both our basic emotions and our moral/intellectual value judgments are real value judgments and that I just need to find a way to make my life valuable through my morality and intellect, then this would create a situation where you would have a mixture of good and bad value in your life.
If you felt a negative emotion such as misery and judged your way of life through your intellect as being something good, then that would bring your life a mixture of good and bad value. Personally, I am going with the idea that only one set of value judgments can be real and I am going with our basic emotions being the real value judgments. This is based upon my own personal experience.
I will also make one last argument here which is interesting. Since positive emotions are always value judgments of good value and since negative emotions are always value judgments of bad value, then it would have to follow that our morality and intellect are always value judgments of no value since there is good, bad, and neutral. It would be no different than how there is a positive charge, a negative charge, and a neutral (no) charge.
When we say that our positive emotions are always wanting and liking and that they are always value judgments of good value, then that is saying they are a form of objective wanting and liking and that they are objective value judgments of good value. But the thing is, you cannot have any subjective form when there is already an objective. For example, apples, oranges, and strawberries are objectively fruit.
But there is no such thing as subjective fruit. Another example would be that it is an objective fact that we as human beings are kept alive by our heart pumping blood. You cannot just rip your heart out and have some sort of subjective heart to keep yourself alive. Therefore, we cannot have any value judgments that we ourselves subjectively create since they would not be real value judgments. Rather, we can only create the thought in our minds of value judgments just as how we can only create the thought of us having some sort of subjective heart to keep ourselves alive.
Other Person's Response: The idea that our basic emotions are value judgments is an idea that is new and gaining in popularity as mentioned by one person in the beginning of this Q&A Section. It seems to me your idea that our moral and intellectual value judgments are not real value judgments is an even newer idea that takes this a step further. Do you think this new idea of yours will also become popular someday?
My Reply: I don't know. But my question would be, is there a way we can find out for sure if our moral and intellectual value judgments are fake and that people are just believing they are real? If my worldview was right all along, then I never needed to mature, grow up, or toughen up. Since positive emotions would be the only good things in life, then there is truly nothing more for me to obtain in life since nothing else would be good in life.
Other Person's Response: According to your worldview/model, it would be a good thing for a psychopath to harm an innocent person if he/she felt a positive emotion from doing so. Another example would be that it wouldn't matter if a person was in a dangerous situation, but didn't feel anything. Therefore, your worldview has to be false.
My Reply: In this scenario, I would be put into a position where I have to resort to 9 arguments that address this problem. I will present the arguments below. If I have any more in the future, I will post them:
1.) If we treat good and bad as materialistic things like water, food, money, and electricity, then we no longer have a moral definition of good and bad here. What we have here is a materialistic definition of good and bad. A person who feels a lot of positive emotions in their lives would, thus, be no different than a person who is rich and has a lot of money. A person who is euphoric would be rich in the good value and beauty in life.
But a person who is very depressed, miserable, or apathetic would be very poor on the good value and beauty in life. According to my worldview, positive and negative emotions are intrinsically good and bad. Therefore, argument #1 would have to apply. Lastly, I think the good value of our lives is founded upon nothing more than our materialistic, pleasure-seeking nature as human beings and that many people with a sense of morality are in denial of this.
2.) We as human beings are not stupid and we can still make whatever decision we need to make regardless of how we feel to save our lives, the lives of others, and to benefit ourselves and others. Even if, for example, there is no value in saving the life of someone else for a person who feels completely numb, that numb person can still force himself to save that person anyway just from the idea in his head that this someone is a good person and needs to be saved. I have done many things in my life regardless of how I felt.
Sure, I do give up on my hobbies and whatnot when I feel miserable and hopeless. But I still force myself to do things that are necessary such as walking on the treadmill to keep myself alive and healthy. The thing is though, we as human beings need to have good and beautiful value in our lives. If we just lived our lives forcing ourselves to do things when we don't feel up to them, then that is no way to live at all.
I also do not agree with the idea that me making certain choices already presupposes that my life had value regardless of how I felt. This is because I can clearly tell, from my own introspection, that my conscious being was completely empty and dead inside during my hopeless moments. So, I can clearly tell that my life had no beautiful value whatsoever during my hopeless moments regardless of the things I thought and did. However, there could be a positive emotion there on such a small level that I was unable to detect.
In which case, my life really did have beautiful value during these miserable moments. But it would be something so small that I was unable to detect it. If something had no good value to me at all whatsoever, then wouldn't I be something like a sitting statue? I am not sure about this one. It could very well be possible that we as human beings can still make decisions and perform certain actions even if things have no value and worth whatsoever to us.
3.) Plenty of things that sound absurd are, in fact, true things. So, just because my worldview/model sounds absurd and false does not make it false. As a matter of fact, there are plenty of cruel things in this world that are already true.
4.) Life is unfair and doesn't always give us what we want. People wish to create their own values in their lives and not have anything else dictate the value of their lives. But just because people want this does not mean they can have it. That all goes back to argument #1. Your moral, character, and intellect alone cannot make you a rich person. You cannot make money magically fall from the sky into your lap by believing so. You need actual money and a lot of it to be rich.
5.) It is often times beautiful things in life that are rare and very fleeting. For example, a rainbow is only there for a little while before it fades away. We can chase after the rainbow all we like, but it will fade away. I think the beautiful value in our lives works the same way. We as human beings want an everlasting value in our lives through our morality, character, and intellect. I do not think this type of value exists. Thus, we as human beings are rendered to chase after positive emotions to give our lives beautiful value and positive emotions, as I said before, are very fleeting things.
6.) Life is mostly a matter of luck. Some people are rich, some people are poor, some are healthy, while others are unhealthy. Having value in our lives might work the same way. In other words, people who are very happy through their positive emotions are the lucky ones who have a lot of good value in their lives while depressed, miserable people are the unlucky ones who have little to no good value in their lives.
7.) There are certain needs we have as human beings that have devastating effects. For example, we all need a heart to live. But this need has devastating effects because people who have heart attacks would cause grief to their loved ones. Therefore, just because our need for positive emotions as being the only good things in life would have the devastating effects of, for example, it being a good thing for a psychopath to harm an innocent person if that psychopath felt a positive emotion from that or it causing grief to a loved one when we lose our positive emotions since he/she would hate to see our lives become devoid of good value, that does not dismiss such a need as being false.
8.) We as human beings are delusional. Being delusional was something that benefited the survival of us and others. Believing in values founded upon morality, character, and intellect obviously serves a benefit to us and others even though said values aren't real. That all goes back to what I said earlier in regards to how people believe in false ideas, religions, and things such as fundamentalist Christianity or the existence of Thor.
But then there are people who are not delusional and realize the truth such as the atheists. You will meet many hedonists who think like me and you will meet many non hedonists who believe moral and intellectual based values are real values just as how you will meet many atheists and many Christians who think their religion is true. Hedonists and non hedonists debate just as how Christians and atheists debate. I personally think the hedonists had it right all along.
9.) I just find it impossible to fathom. If I were to ask someone who has a sense of moral and intellectual values if taking the most powerful bliss-inducing drug in the world would give his life more beautiful value than contributing to the world and to his family even during his worst miserable moment, he would say that no blissful state can ever compare. He would say that it doesn't matter how powerful and how profound the bliss is; he would still say to me that moral and intellectual values are something that go far beyond any amount of bliss. This, to me, just sounds like wishful thinking and denial. The most profound and powerful bliss in the world would give you the most profound and powerful perception/experience of joy, beauty, love, happiness, and good value in your life.
For people with moral and intellectual values to claim that their values are something that go far beyond that would be no different than them saying that they can just put themselves into a state of mind through their morality, character, and intellect alone that goes far beyond even the most amazing, profound, and powerful bliss in the world. I will admit, that would be pretty sweet if that is possible. But I think this is a fantasy that people believe in. After all, we are wired for delusion as I said before. But if I am somehow wrong and our morality, character, and intellect alone really can allow us to perceive beauty and joy on a level that goes far beyond even the most profound and powerful bliss in the world, then count me in. However, I am skeptical about this and I just don't believe any of this.
This is why I conclude that moral and intellectual values have to be fake values that people want to believe in. Likewise, I have experienced crippled states and other horrible emotional states in my nightmares which were far horrible beyond anything imaginable. For my morality, character, and intellect alone to give me such a horrible perception/experience is simply impossible. It would be impossible both in my dream state and in my waking life. One last thing here. I know I have talked about drugs giving us the most profound and powerful beauty and joy in our lives, but I do not do drugs and nor would I ever just from knowing the consequences. I keep myself and my brain healthy. I do not smoke, drink, or eat unhealthy foods. I also walk on the treadmill to keep myself healthy.
Other Person's Response: Good and bad are adjectives. They describe something such as that it is a good thing to help others in need or that it is a bad thing to steal. But you are redefining them as nouns. You define good as being positive emotions and bad being negative emotions.
My Reply: You could either say that a certain object is red which would make the word red an adjective or you could say that red itself is a noun since it is a color. As I said before, the color red is a visual state and not something that exists in the physical world. So, when we say that a certain object is red, then what this really means is that you are in a visual state where you see the object as being red. Likewise, when we say that it is a good thing to help others in need, then, according to my definition, it would only be a good thing to help others because we felt a positive emotion from the idea of helping others.
When we say that an object or a video game is something beautiful and amazing, then that would only be because we feel a positive emotion from these things just as how the only thing that can make an object or video game red is if we see it as being red. There is also the noun form of good and bad which we would call goodness and badness just as how there is the noun form of red, blue, green, or any other color. So, we can also refer to positive and negative emotions as being goodness and badness, according to my worldview.
Other Person's Response: Is there anything else that makes you think our basic emotions are value judgments besides your personal experience?
My Reply: Yes. As pointed out in that food and reward study, our positive emotions are the reward wanting and liking. When you want something and like something, this means it matters to you. When something matters to you, this means it is something good or something bad from your perspective. When something is good or bad from your perspective, this means you are judging it as good or bad. Therefore, our positive emotions are value judgments. They are a positive form of wanting which means they are a value judgment of good and beautiful value in our lives. They are a form of liking as well which also means they are a value judgment of good and beautiful value.
Our unpleasant (negative) emotions would have to be the disreward not wanting and disliking which means they are a value judgment of bad, horrible, and disgusting value in our lives. In addition, there is also the negative form of wanting such as wanting to harm someone or wanting to give up on life which is also a value judgment of bad value. So, there you have it. This is my own personal argument that supports the idea of our basic emotions being value judgments. When our brains are rewarded with those feel-good chemicals that make us feel positive emotions, we are not just being rewarded with something pleasant. We are being rewarded with good and beautiful value in our lives.
When something is rewarding for you, this means it is something that matters to you which, in turn, means it is a value judgment for you. This all goes back to what I just said about positive emotions being value judgments of good value. With all of this being said, the good and beautiful value in our lives does not come about through a strength of character or a sense of morality and intellect as I said before. Instead, it is like we as human beings need to be rewarded through our positive emotions to make our lives something good and beautiful. Getting a big reward would be like winning a lottery of much beauty, joy, and good value in our lives. Depressed and miserable people who believe their lives have much good value and beauty would, therefore, be no different than poor people who believe they have won the lottery when they haven't.
Other Person's Response: Why can't our intellect, morality, and character be any real form of drive and motivation that gives our lives value? If I had the intention to help someone in need, then I consider that to be a form of motivation.
My Reply: As I mentioned before, our basic emotions are a form of drive and motivation. An example would be sex drive. When you are driven and motivated in regards to something, that is no different than saying this thing matters to you. When it matters to you, that is a value judgment. This is yet another reason why our basic emotions are value judgments. But here's the thing. Our positive emotions are a rewarding form of drive and motivation since, as I pointed out earlier, our positive emotions are the reward wanting and liking. It is only when our brains are rewarded with the message of beautiful value that we perceive real beauty in regards to things. It has to be a rewarding message in order to make it a real message of beautiful value to our brains.
If it's not a rewarding message, then it can't be any real message of beautiful value to our brains. For example, if you had the mindset of "I am going to make the best of this life, help others, and contribute all I can to the world," then that is a positive message to the brain. A positive message is no different than saying a rewarding message. But our intellect, morality, and character alone cannot give our brains any rewarding message since the real rewarding message to our brains can only come about through our positive emotions. Therefore, if you had that mindset, but didn't feel any positive emotions, then you would only be having a mindset. You would just be having an intention and nothing more.
You wouldn't be perceiving any real good or beautiful value in regards to anything in your life. As I mentioned before, when something is rewarding to us, this means it matters to us in a good way. If it's not rewarding, then it can't matter to us in a good way. This means that even the idea of self-sacrifice and giving up our selfish desires has to be a rewarding message to our brains. Otherwise, it wouldn't matter to us in a good way and, thus, we wouldn't be able to perceive any real good value in regards to it. In addition, our brains getting the disrewarding message is how we perceive bad, horrible, and disgusting value in regards to things.
But since our morality, character, and intellect alone is neither a rewarding nor disrewarding message to our brains, then it cannot allow us to perceive any real value in our lives. If our moral and intellectual based values are nothing like feeling excited to go to the carnival or from getting a new video game, then they can't be any real good values because a feeling of excitement, sexual arousal, or enjoying our hobbies is the rewarding message to the brain. In order to make our intellectual and moral based values real values, then they have to be rewarding and disrewarding mental states just like our basic emotions.
Other Person's Response: It makes no sense to me to say that our basic emotion are a materialistic version of good and bad since they are value judgments.
My Reply: First of all, it is through our value judgments that our lives have value in the first place because, if we couldn't judge anything as good or bad, our lives wouldn't have any good or bad value since we wouldn't be perceiving any good or bad value. I mean, how would it make any sense to say that a person who is not judging anything in their lives as having any real value is living a valuable life? It wouldn't make any sense because that person would just be living his/her life like a droid or an empty vessel.
It would just be an empty life for that individual. But even though it is our value judgments that make our lives valuable, we might not say that they are intrinsically good or bad or that they are a materialistic good and bad. We just might simply say that they are a means by which we give value to our lives. Since our basic emotions are the only real message of value to our brains, then they are the only real value judgments which means they are the only things that give our lives real value.
Other Person's Response: I don't think life needs positive emotions to make it something great. There are great people in this world such as Stephen Hawking and that is a form of greatness that goes beyond positive emotions. The universe is also something great and beautiful just the way it is.
My Reply: Well, for me, it is a different story. If I were to feel hopelessness and not have my positive emotions, then I wouldn't be able to perceive the greatness of Stephen Hawking or the beauty and greatness of this universe. It would be as though Stephen Hawking is nothing more than "just a guy on a wheelchair." Not only that, but even famous musical artists such as the rapper Eminem have their greatness stripped from my perspective. Eminem becomes nothing more than just some guy who raps and inspires the world through his music. He becomes something dead, empty, morbid, and lifeless from my perspective during my hopeless moments.
It doesn't matter how much he inspires the world; I would always perceive him as nothing more than just a rapper as long as I do not have my positive emotions. Once my positive emotions restore, then it's as though Eminem and Stephen Hawking have been imbued with some sort of divine power that transforms them into these great and amazing people from my perspective. Their perceived greatness becomes revitalized once my positive emotions are restored. As you can see here, our positive emotions transform people, things, moments, works of art, and situations in our lives into something great, beautiful, and amazing. Our positive emotions are the very divine life force that breathes pure joy, beauty, and greatness into things.
Other Person's Response: You say you have struggled with many miserable moments in your life. How long was that struggle?
My Reply: I think it was for 10 whole years since this was a horrible cycle I was caught in and couldn't escape from. It was all due to my unhealthy thought processes which brought more and more misery upon me. I regret this so much because I should have kept my thought processes healthy since the very beginning. Had I done this, then so many years of my life wouldn't have been wasted away. All of the good value, beauty, and joy I could have otherwise had wouldn't have been wasted away. Fortunately, I have learned to keep my thoughts healthy and I have learned just how vital and precious my positive emotions are. Sometimes in life, we suffer out of ignorance and from unhealthy thought processes. This suffering can last for quite some time until, one day, we finally break free of the cycle of suffering.
Other Person's Response: You say you regret it. Don't you need to feel regret in order to actually regret it?
My Reply: Correct. Since I am no longer feeling any regret, then I just have the idea in my mind that I regret it. As a matter of fact, even if I harmed someone innocent, I would not be able to regret that as long as I couldn't feel any regret.
Other Person's Response: You just need something more to live for. As long as you live your life for nothing more than pleasure, then of course you are going to find your life empty and meaningless when you don't feel pleasure.
My Reply: As it stands now, I think life amounts to nothing more than a blissful, fun adventure whether it be feeling happiness, beauty, and joy from enjoying the nature scene while driving, feeling profound beauty and joy from listening to music, feeling the joy of going shopping, etc. I would represent this as the image of Dora the Explorer going on blissful, fun, beautiful adventures. I don't think we as human beings were meant to be the image of any tough character who goes through much misery and despair. We were all meant to be like Dora the Explorer. But life is very unhappy for the most part which means there are many people who cannot live the beautiful and joyful image of Dora they need to live by. I think that living life and being an artist was all about the bliss and creating any given work of art through bliss alone whether that work be something gothic, tragic, angry, joyful, or beautiful.
I will say another thing here. That is, my positive emotions are an experience that can only be described as "divine." This is the reason why I have a religious/spiritual form of my worldview as I explain in my book. When I, for example, feel a rush of profound joy and beauty from listening to a certain song, this is not an experience that I would describe as: "Wow, this feels really good! What an amazing rush!" Rather, it is like my conscious being is getting a surge or a rush of divine power/life force of pure goodness, joy, and beauty from this universe. It is something profoundly beautiful and joyful. It is like being powered up as a divine, transcended being or angel rather than something like a illegal drug addict feeling really good or high.
Without this divine power within me, then I am stripped of all beauty and joy and I become nothing more than an empty vessel or a being of darkness if I felt negative emotions such as misery, hopelessness, and disgust. I become the opposite of a god or an angel. I become an inner void or a disgusting, inferior demon on the inside. In a spiritual universe, heavenly spiritual energy enters into our conscious being through our way of thinking and this creates a positive emotion for us which is a heavenly, beautiful state of mind.
When I think of any given beautiful environment whether it be tropical or aquatic, I am able to feel the beauty and joy of these atmospheres providing I don't have any misery and despair in my life preventing me from feeling positive emotions. This clearly says to me that our basic emotions really are a feeling version of value. Another thing here. These values founded upon positive emotions are what I would call the "Divine Values" if we live in a spiritual universe since these values transcend moral and intellectual based values. These would be the values of a god or an angel as opposed to, for example, some miserable human being trying to make the best of things which, to me, were never real values.
We as human beings are like sacred or divine crystal balls that need to be powered up by the divine force of our positive emotions in order to generate good value, beauty, and joy in our lives. Without our positive emotions, then we are like dead crystal balls. That, or we would be crystal balls powered up by negative energy (our negative emotions) which would generate bad value, horror, disgust, turmoil, and tragedy in our lives. We as human beings need to become the crystal balls powered up by the force of light in our lives. That would make us beautiful beings of light that shine on the inside with beauty and joy and that would make our lives beautiful and joyful. We should avoid becoming the dead crystal ball or the crystal ball powered up by negative energy.
As you can see here, how we as human beings have value in our lives is not through our character, morality, and intellect. Rather, we are like these crystal balls that need to be powered up. Without my positive emotions, then I am like a dead appliance that just doesn't work anymore since I have no more positive energy powering me up to generate beautiful perceived value in both me as a person and my life. That, or I become a being of darkness through my negative emotions. I would also like to represent my worldview using another metaphor. Our brains are like an entire universe since they create our entire perceived reality and they consist of billions of connected neurons.
When we look at, for example, an area of the universe that has bright and cheerful colors, that symbolizes joy and beauty. We as human beings do not have beautiful value in our lives through our morality, intellect, and character. Rather, we have beautiful value in our lives when our brains are in their normal, happy state (i.e. when we become a joyful and beautiful universe). The universe has no morality, character, or intellect. The universe is just there and it can either be something joyful and beautiful, just dead, empty space, or something horrible and chaotic. In other words, we as human beings are "just there" to be joyful through our positive emotions which brings our lives beautiful value and we should avoid becoming dead, empty space or the horrible universe in turmoil and chaos.
Therefore, we as human beings should avoid negative emotions as well as apathy as much as possible. We should be akin to creatures living in a remote, beautiful, happy utopia as far away from misery, despair, and apathy as possible. It is something wild, beautiful, and exotic and I think that is the ideal life to live. Unfortunately, as I said before, life isn't like that and it consists of much misery and unhappiness. But if my worldview were true and people were to realize its truth, then perhaps people would be really encouraged to find cures and to create a better life for us all.
Maybe a blissful utopia will be created for us as human beings in the future. In the meantime, we as human beings cannot live that blissful utopia which means that those types of people who are rich and happy have their own personal utopia while those who struggle with much misery and depression are the ones out of luck and they are living in hell. Therefore, as this life currently is now, it is a utopia for some and hell for others. But wouldn't be lovely if life was a utopia for us all?
Tonight I sit on my own, only this time it isn't just in my head. It's 1am and I'm currently writing this on a beach off the west coast of Australia. Pitch black. The stars and my phone are there only remote source of light here. I hear only waves and wind, that alone is enough right now. A tranquil paradise in comparison to these damaging thoughts and impulse decisions.
I've been drinking but I'm not drunk. I know how I'm feeling and I know full well it's not alcohol induced.
My life really doesn't matter, to people, to this world.. and that's okay. I'm merely a smudge on this earth, to this galaxy, to this universe.
I'v come to conclusion that I'd prefer to feel forever alone than to feel..whatever this is. Infact I feel so alone sometimes anyway so why even be in a relationship? I don't want to rejoin the group, I don't want to rejoin the same damn feelings and thoughts I get. I want to detach, disappear right this second. I want all this energy to be used for something better.
I will sit on this beach alone, in the pitch black, with nothing but stars for goals and happiness, both physically in this moment and mentally for the foreseeable future.
I'm so lost and so lonely.
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This has been a truly awful depression experience for me recently. The darkest of dark days. The lowest of low pits. Somehow, through it all, I kind of managed to find a little light that I didn't even think was possible anymore. I met someone.
I wasn't even looking. I don't even think this is what I wanted for awhile, if ever. Yet somehow, and I really don't understand how or why, but every time I'm at the end of a relationship, some seemingly really awesome guy just appears in my life and shows a level of care and interest in me that's unparalleled. But he's really great - funny, attractive, well-read, smart, goofy. I'm just trying to enjoy the time with him and have a little fun for once. He knows all about my break-up and depression and anxiety, and he knows that I need to move slowly into whatever it is that we're moving toward. But since we've started talking, I find that I'm now faced with some of the emotional turmoil that's been left in the wake of my previous relationships - romantic and otherwise, and I don't really know how to cope.
I've been doing some reading this morning on toxic relationships and recovery when they end. I just stumbled on to the topic. I never really felt like my past relationships might've been toxic, but after reading about them and the emotional roller coaster they can leave you on, I think they might've been. My last two really serious relationships have taken up a little over a full decade of my life. They both resulted in an engagement. They both ended anti-climatically but horribly depressingly. There was never any cheating or physical abuse. There were some fights periodically but not constantly. Neither relationship was ever truly awful, but looking back, they were never truly great, either; at least not after the beginning.
This article I read, "Why a Normal Relationship is So Hard After a Toxic One" from the Thought Catalog online, began to open my eyes about the possibility of toxic relationships and the lasting effect they can have. It illuminated so many of the issues I'm experiencing and thoughts I'm having in regards to my personal relationships. I have no problem believing that my first serious relationship became toxic based on what we fought about and the immediate effects that it had on my comfort in the relationship and my ability and desire to have any sort of sexual relationship. I walked away from it with all of the issues described in the article above:
I couldn't trust. Not myself and not anyone I was dating or ultimately in a relationship with. After him, I could trust others on a basic level but always doubted their motives and intentions.
I questioned everything. I guess this stems from the inability to trust, but I doubted what I heard, saw, and felt. As the article said, "You want to believe the best in people but the last person you put your complete faith in destroyed you."
I felt terrified of getting too close. It's just hard being that vulnerable when you've been so mistreated in the past. I wanted to feel the love and happiness, but how do you let yourself be open to that?
The one point I couldn't relate to: picking fights. After the fighting in my first relationship, I avoided fights like the plague. I never wanted to rock the boat. I wanted everything to be as calm and pleasant as possible, even at the expense of my own pleasure.
I apologized constantly. I still do. I can't help it. I feel like everything that goes wrong or unexpectedly is my fault. I am the cause of all the misery in the lives of people around me.
I tried constantly to make every possible issue or problem for my partner vanish without a trace. I wanted to absorb everything so that they could see I was strong and capable, and so they could appreciate, love, and respect me for my strength. "They use you as a metaphorical punching bag and you take every blow because you think it's love," as the article says.
I entered into my second serious relationship with all of this issues swirling around me. I didn't feel worthy or good enough. I felt like I would screw it up by just being myself. Eventually, this new guy lifted me up and really seemed to undo a lot of the hurt from my emotional baggage. I began to trust again. We had an amazing time. And eventually, he grew distant. He picked fights about stupid things, like a phrase I said or the perceived tone in my voice. He stopped wanting to touch me or go out with me. He stopped trying, so I did everything I could to make him happy again. And then he dumped me.
This, of course, led to the spiraling misery that's become my life recently, on top of all the other life stressors that I have in store for me. And then this great guy that I originally met through my ex reached out to me. We started talking constantly and hanging out a few times so far. And now that I've gotten to know him better and can feel myself starting to have some feelings for him, in the back of my mind, all those awful doubts and issues are starting to bubble up. How can I trust him? What if all he wants is to sleep with me; how do I know that he even likes me or is just trying to get me to bed? When's the other shoe going to drop - when is some awful fact or personality trait finally going to reveal itself? What's going to happen with this guy to make all the happiness and good feelings vanish only to be replaced with fights, depression, and eventually separation? When am I going to get hurt again? What am I going to do to push him away, upset him, make him abandon me? I've already started apologizing. I brought up a topic that he wasn't entirely comfortable talking about right now - he was kind about it and explained. I had no idea when I brought it up, but I still apologized multiple times about it. When is he going to realize that I'm not good enough?
I'm not sure how to resolve these issues right now. I know for sure that I'm not going to let myself jump head first into another serious relationship without trying to build myself up first. I obviously don't want to let this guy go - he's really amazing and if nothing else, I'm having a lot of fun with him and it feels like that's lightening the emotional dead weight that's been holding me down while going through this depression. I'm just...really scared about what the future holds - for him and me, my life, and everything else that's going on with me. I wish I knew how to relax and enjoy the life I have like so many others seem to. I don't know why everything has to be a problem all the time for me.
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Last week I either got dragged kicking and screaming into the senior partner's office for some grade A excoriation. Or I was invited for a less formal than I imagined foray into the anxious world of performance review. (Proper jobs are nothing if not leaden with clunky nomenclature).
Hmmm, upon final consideration it was probably the latter. Ahead of time it just felt like the former.
It was an obscene amount of fun.
Or perhaps it wasn't.
Ordinarily I'm only happy to expose myself if there is a liberal and ideally very mutual amount of p*ss-taking along the way. Only my therapist gets to try one-sided humiliation by appointment.
So we talked at length about how I'm faring. Quite well, I'm happy to say. At least with the clientele and, perhaps more significantly, the man I share a ridiculously over-sized office with and who is there as my mentor said some very encouraging things. Some of the admin staff were less enamoured, apparently.
I did confess to being something of a fish out of water for the whole beige propriety of the office environment and confessed also to a rich and storied history of being able to pretend but not with that. I also fumbled and fussed and dribbled out a more natural affinity for our more 'colourful' clientele than task-oriented women than think I should be with them for no other reason than I am one of them. Patiently ignoring the second bit, he reminded me, like I was supposed to know that he hired me as much for where I have been as for what I can now do. I can honestly say that melted my heart.
I wish I was above a bit of bloodsport when it comes to some of these women. Maybe I'm not. But ... honestly! Who celebrates International Women's Day by baking a cake at home without falling off their chair at the irony of it all?
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One of my dreams for many years was to have a big heartbreak.
I had never had one and felt I was missing out. I knew it was a symptom of my inability to fall in love.
Then it happened. I fell in love. For the first time in two decades. She was not available. There was no possibility. I was, and still am, crushed.
I'm living the dream.
I'm glad I now have the ability to attach myself.
This came with a price.
I found out that the other side of love is loss.
The more you love something, the harder the loss.
The harder the distress. The bereavement. The crying. The hopelessness. The powerlessness.
I'm also finding out that I have more strength in me than I thought.
This situation is forcing me to rebuild myself.
It also brought me closer to other people who've been through the same thing.
And these might be better gifts than if I had ended up with this particular person.
- 200 g of Tuscan kale
- 300 g of potatoes
- 1 onion
- 2 garlic cloves
- 1 L of water
- 2 vegetable stock cubes
- 2 dl of plant-based crème fraîche
- 1-2 tbsp of black pepper
- 2-3 tbsp of nutritional yeast (optional)
- Prepare the ingredients by removing the stems of the Tuscan kale and cutting the leaves up into smaller pieces, peeling the potatoes and cutting them into smaller pieces, and finely chopping up the onions and garlic cloves.
- Pour enough water into a large pan to cover its bottom and steam the onions and garlic on medium heat for 2 minutes.
- Throw in the Tuscan kale and the potatoes. Allow the ingredients to cook for 8 more minutes while occasionally stirring them.
- Pour the (1 L) water and the vegetable stock cubes into the pan. Let the soup simmer for 20 minutes.
- Insert the plant-based crème fraîche into the pan and use a blender to turn the soup into a smoother mixture. Season the soup with black pepper and nutritional yeast, if desired.
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I don't want to prepare myself for something big here and plummet in disappointment but I feel like Tony in West Side Story right now. Before he meets Maria and he thinks something big is coming.
Is it just blind Hope?
It's in the pit of my stomach right now.
I have no idea what it could be, but i am sure it will have nothing to do with what I want or what I'm expecting if something comes to mind (the lottery for example...man that would cover both things...guess I've jinxed that possibility).
I just know something is going to happen. Something that's good. Something amazing. Something really big.
I was disappointed in the results of my performance last night but not with my actual performance. I am not sure why I am adding that to this post. I do not think that anything is related but feel the need to mention it. So, maybe they ARE related.
Something huge. Its coming. It's something I know. It's like a fact without empirical evidence. You know? Faith?
Does anyone know what I am talking about? Am I off my rocker? Am I giving myself false hope?
Something. Big. Great. Fantastic.
But at what cost?
West Side Story script and song:
Riff: You found somethin' better?
Tony: Not yet, but--
Riff: But what?
Tony: You won't dig it, Riff.
Riff: So try me. Come on, Tony. Try me.
Tony: Okay. Every single night for the last month... l wake up, and l'm reachin' out.
Riff: Well, for what?
Tony: l don't know.
Riff: A dame?
Tony: lt's right outside the door, just around the corner... but it's comin'.
Riff: What is?
Tony: l don't know. lt's like the kick l used to get from bein' a Jet.
Riff: Well, now you're talkin'.
*snipped a portion*
Riff: l never asked nothin' from nobody. But l'm askin' you, come to the dance tonight.
Tony: *snip* ...and l'll live to regret this.
Riff: Who knows? Maybe what you're waitin' for will be twitchin' at the dance tonight. Who knows?
There's something due any day
I will know right away
Soon as it shows
lt may come cannonballin' down through the sky, gleam in its eye
Bright as a rose
It's only just out of reach
Down the block, on a beach
Under a tree
l got a feelin' there's a miracle due gonna come true
Comin' to me
Could it be
Yes, it could
Something's comin' something good
lf l can wait
I don't know what it is
But it is gonna be great
With a click with a shock
Phone will jingle door will knock
Open the latch
Something's comin' Don't know when, but it's soon
Catch the moon
Around the corner
Or whistlin' down the river
Come on, deliver
Will it be Yes, it will
Maybe just by holdin' still
lt'll be there
Come on, somethin'
Come on in,
don't be shy
Meet a guy
Pull up a chair
The air is hummin'
And somethin' great
It's only just out of reach
Down the block, on a beach
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2 Mar 7.40am
I’m gonna do a report every day for this trip. Cos taking a 2 weeks trip overseas with so many people around me will make me nervous, anxious and depressed, as much as I want to be happy, I’m still overwhelmed with all the emotions inside me, both raging emotions and happy ones.
The trip has not started yet no. Yet I already hate myself. Heck I’ve hated myself since the day I found out I’m human.
So much effort to keep myself breathing. Happiness is a choice. I am the only one who can make me happy. I am as happy as I choose to be.
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I've written what I could write, spoke to who I could speak to, and it's all come to nought.
I haven't improved. I've spent a lot of money on therapy, a lot of time on 'positive thinking' that I do not believe in, and I've reached a state of apathy.
I haven't found much solace or support. I've only learned that people are not very kind or compassionate. I've just about given up on people.
I won't write anymore, I haven't got anything else to say.
My thoughts are stupid anyhow, and it's been a failure at an attempt to recover from the stupid traumas I have had inflicted on me.
Pretend nothing is wrong. Pretend that your faults dont exist. Oh you can point out mine, some of which i literally have no control over since what can i do when i am sleeping? Oh i see, i cant tell you the same. Because you are so perfect arent you?
Well ill be perfect too as thats what you expect me to be. Everything will be perfect.
You finally have the submissive wife that you have apparently been dreaming of all these years.
And when you pretend to care and ask me what is wrong, ill just smile and laugh like a bell as thats all you want to hear.
Ill kneel at your feet and do whatever you want. Do you want your feet rubbed? What show would you like on? May i get up so i can serve you dinner? I PROMISE i will come right back on my knees to do your bidding.
I am finally broken.
When I went away to college a new friend and I spent many evenings debating religion. Since I had been raised as a Roman Catholic who regularly attended mass on Sunday, never missed a "holy day of obligation", and visited the confessional like a good little girl, I felt that I always had the upper hand in the these debates. My friend was merely a Baptist. She was the first one of those I'd ever even met. Since there didn't seem to be a plethora of Baptists inhabiting God's creation, they certainly couldn't know that much about God or His Creation. On my birthday this new friend gave me the gift of a New Testament Bible. It was a Phillips translation in easier to understand terminology. It was the first time in my life I'd held a Bible. I certainly never had owned one or read one. In the weeks and months that followed I began to realize that I had lived a lie. The things I had been taught as Catholic doctrine and rituals were manmade ~ they were not of God, they were completely made up. Nowhere in the Bible are there instructions about rosaries, holy water, sacraments, baptizing babies, and the constant threat of hell. God's plan for our salvation is incredibly easy on our part. An entire new world was opened up to me. A world of love and not fear. A world of understanding what God's plan is and what my part in it is. Existing under a cloud of lies and fear is a horrible way to live, especially as a child. To take a young girl who is already being horrifically abused by the parents who should be caring for her and then, in the name of God, subjecting her to constant threats of hell and damnation is unspeakably cruel. I don't ever remember a kind, caring face in all of those 18 years. I mostly remember fear. Fear of damnation. Fear of God. Fear of my father. Fear of nuns and priests. Fear of being physically hurt or publically humiliated by the nuns. Fear of being bad. Fear of thinking bad. Fear of doing bad. Fear of some BIG Unknown. I hated going to church. I hated being in church. I soon came to realize that the debates my friend and I had were not about religion, they were about God and theology. It took me a bit longer to realize that those debates had gradually morphed into discussions where I bombarded her with questions about topics that were suddenly vitally important to me. Matters dealing with eschatology, the Great Tribulation, the antichrist and the millennium along with having her helping me get straight the differing views of young and old earth creationists and why it was important. What does preterism mean? What is the difference between millennialism and amillennialism? It was as if the flood gates in by mind had been blown open and there was so much I wanted to know. I would take in the information and then later, mull it over and decide what I thought about it all.
I grew up in an dysfunctional, abusive family. Obviously, the emotional scars from my childhood are the result of what happened to me as a member of that family. Those experiences are what caused almost my entire childhood to be lost to repression. I do not blame the mess in my head and in my heart on the Catholic Church. However, my parents made Catholicism a huge part of my childhood. On the top of our family crest is a cardinal's hat ~ real bragging rights within our family ~ because a few generations back a member of our family became a Roman Catholic Cardinal in Rome and hung out with the Pope. Whoopee. There was also my aunt the nun, as well as a priest that my grandmother put through seminary by working as a maid in a motel even though she had PLENTY of money. It was a "personal sacrifice she'd made for the Church." Although I remember very little of my childhood, I remember the confusion over the terrible things the adults did to my body, the horrible words I heard all the time, the "badness" I knew that was happening daily within our home, and trying to reconcile all of that with being brainwashed that we were holy and good and special because we were Catholics. That DID have an effect on the emotional mess in my head and does play a big role in my negative feelings toward the Roman Catholic Church.
Several years ago I posted several blog entries here about my time being employed with the Baptist Church we attended, the breakdown I had while I worked there, and the criticism and stigma I encountered among those saintly Christians because I experienced depression, PTSD and other forms of emotional illness due to the trauma and abuse I experienced during my childhood, the chronic pain I constantly endure, and the horrible stress of that job. The scars from that experience are still deep and open. My family and I ended up leaving the church and now attend a church in another town. According to the Baptists, my emotional problems are the result of "unconfessed sin" in my life and "disobedience to God." The pastor of that church, who had once been both my friend and my boss, told the congregation to "pray for her deliverance." As a result of what happened to me at that church after my breakdown, I was diagnosed with spiritual abuse, on top of everything else. I didn't even know there was such a thing. I removed all of those blog entries long ago that detailed my breakdown and the role the Baptist Church played in it.
Educating myself to who God really is, the incredible gift His Son gave for humanity, and how God's plan continues to unfold is the greatest gift I have ever given myself. When I was 19 years old I was baptized again ~ not as Catholic or a Baptist or any other denominational name ~ but as a Christian...a follower of Christ. I know that the act of total immersion is completely symbolic. We are not "saved" through baptism. I did it because in the Bible we are told that God desires it. A baby does not have the capability of understanding that Christ's death on the cross took the punishment for all sin. Since the day that Bible was placed in my hand, I have never stopped reading, researching, and learning about the God of the Bible. I am not a religious fanatic. I don't try to convert people or go around hitting people over the head with my Bible. I don't even consider myself religious. I consider myself a Christian. My faith has pulled me through many bad times, and brought our family a few incredible miracles.
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creative liberty? (sortof. emphasis on the liberty, as my confidence lacks right now)
I'm just improvising right here,
just getting out some thoughts
struggle to hone in it
I'm flying in this carnival ride
and inside the car I hide
I cower, I rock
I shimmy, I shake
I pull the hood up and over my head
and close my eyes, but still awake.
I'm so tired, but restless, can't sit still
and watch fly by the scene there until
I catch a figure in the distance
staring at me with persistance
looking, judging, mouth in a frown
please, please, can I just calm down?!
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Life's just a drag. Everything is so depressing. I have nothing that really makes me feel good right now. Just trying to do me right now, not gonna be on here (or other sites) every day now (of course, that's subject to change). I actually felt better when I had an Internet schedule than when I have free rein like now, but I messed up too much to get back into that and I don't want to either. Got involved in a lot of political-related forums, and it's just so stressful, I don't want to go back.
I am watching the Olympics, but two weeks long?! I'm not watching the whole thing obviously, but just putting that number it's out there, it's like, that's near the end of the month, ~where will I be then?~ Obviously still living at home and all that, but it's hard to imagine my future and I hate looking into it.
So not sticking to my Internet schedule... I'm still checking those sites because I'm hooked, but I'm not checking everything or doing it in a specific order. Besides politics, I was involved on sports-related forums, and sports is so male-dominated, I have no idea why I got involved in watching them. I really need female role models; I just feel more comfortable among women.
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Hello DF, I have a confession. I have been cheating on you lately. I won't say it meant nothing. It's just different. Can't we have it both ways?
Request....someone please remind me to review DF before I go over to the Alzheimer site. There is only so much DOWN that a person can take. If I visit there first, the logical problem solving part of my mind knows how things end up and I cannot travel that road personally. It's hard enough watching others. Ok, I can deal with that. But then coming here and ... No, it is better to review here first and there second. I can keep the thought quiet in my mind that way. If I come here and see other's real problems and have a thought that, maybe, sometimes there is a rational reason for .... But, that won't help many here. The context of the situations just don't carry over well across the interwebs.
Gma went thru this years ago. I was too young at the time to know the real her. Sounds like we would have gotten along..sense of humor and such. But I do remember the process she went thru over the years. After she passed, I remember making comments to friends and cousins, about what I would do rather than go thru that process. Talk about glib. But yes, I was young. Too young to understand and react? Or, does youth have it's advantages here? In some ways, a reaction to the situation at that age is truer than a reaction after decades of life experience making us cynical. hm. Funny, it was easy to say in my youth. I cannot voice the words now even if they seem truer.
But yes. The interwebs can be useful. Seeing some strangers struggling with the same things has some advantages. We are not alone. Sure, we may unique. But no where near unique with these problems as we like to think.
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In essence this is how I perceive my life. Every choice in the world open for me is either meaningless or the lesser evil.
I just sent a memo to parties concerned about career development at work just an hour ago. Thing is I don’t want to work there at all anymore. But finding another job, a job that I would finally be comfortable with is impossible. I’m too old. Age discrimination is a reality, especially for someone without a decent degree, ambition or passion for anything. I still haven’t a clue what I’d like to do. I have no skills or a aptitude for anything. I’m a dunce at studying. All I ‘ve done is settle for a life that in essence doesn’t satisfy me at all, because that is all that is available for me. I don’t have the time or motivation or skill to study. Oh and no interest in anything.
I’ve been unemployed for long periods of time in the past and ever ending up there again will finish me. If that ever happens I will end my life. Unemployment was one of the most humiliating periods of my life and I was way younger then. I had some (naive as it turned out) hope back then that life would get better. All I experience no satisfaction and whatever I do, be at at work or in my free time. I feel is an emptiness eating my up like a malignant growth.
Life’s a b itch and then you die. I despise myself for being who I am.
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“Loneliness is like sitting in an empty room and being aware of the space around you. It is a condition of separateness. Solitude is becoming one with the space around you. It is a condition of union. Loneliness is small, solitude is large. Loneliness closes in around you; solitude expands toward the infinite. Loneliness has its roots in words, in an internal conversation that nobody answers; solitude has its roots in the great silence of eternity.”
-- Kent Nerburn
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Yeah, here's your trigger warning...
I'm ready to go home.
And I'm terrified to go home.
Just to clarify, as a Christian I believe 'Home' to be the 'afterlife', 'heaven', whatever spiritual term you prefer.
I am so tired these days.... more and more tired.... and less and less terrified.
Don't get me wrong:
I'll keep hanging on, because I've experienced first-hand what suicide does to those who are left behind.
Like Sherlock says 'Your death is something that happens to your loved ones.'
That really struck home for me.
My death is not something I will experience, oddly enough.
It is something my family & loved ones will go through...
....But I am so tired, guys.
I am tired of feeling like an alien in a human suit.
I am tired of feeling like a spectator in a 3D movie of my life.
I am tired of feeling 'far away' from my loved ones, and not knowing how to 'get back'.
I am tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere.
I am tired of feeling like I have to hide who I am in order to avoid the inevitable ridicule and arguments about what I believe.
I am also tired of sometimes feeling like everything is 'too loud' or 'too close'.
I'm tired of it being one or the other. I'm tired of not being able to recognize 'normal'.