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Starting yesterday, I’m doing what is essentially an “emotion journal”. It’s my psychologist’s idea. I’m doing it because I have a hard time remembering things, especially day to day minutia like emotions. For instance, I can’t remember anything I did last weekend except what I wrote down in the last blog post, and that I showered on Sunday with dish soap (I felt too lazy for the separateness of shampoo and bar soap). So now I’m doing a journal to keep track of my emotions on the daily, instead of just recording instances of severity. I have this really pretty journal that someone got me for my birthday years ago and I never used because it should be for something special. A dedicated recording of my life and emotions in order to understand and combat my depression? Good enough. I’ve decided that one entry a day is required and multiple entries are allowed and preferable. They can be as long or as short as I feel necessary. Meanwhile, I am very very bored right now in case you can’t tell by my rambling on about my methods of journaling. That’s all for now.
Doctor A is from South India, of Teleguvaara descent. Her thin wispy hair is mostly gray, but it is streaked with black, tendrils of obstinate youth that cling to her skull. She wears dowdy blouses in weird colors, like pumpkin and hunter green with black or gray slacks. She always looks tired and I can tell that she is counting down the days until her retirement. Doctor A has seen me through Paxil (tremors), Prozac (green emptiness, the color of her blouse), Wellbutrin (lust with a heaping side dish of rage), and finally, calm Zoloft. She’s put me on Klonopin while I deal with anxiety. Kpin helps me sleep, and there’s a gentle benzo fog. It’s supposedly addictive but the feeling is so subtle that I don’t think I’ll get hooked. I can still feel the anxiety simmering beneath the fog, a lava flow underneath a steamy blackened crust.
One time, at the old, now-abandoned psychiatric hospital near where I live, I was in a waiting room with another patient. This waiting room had old children’s furniture in it, low tables and tiny chairs, a rocking horse, smudged building blocks and faded stencils of cartoon characters.
The other patient asked me who I was waiting to see.
I told her.
She replied, ‘Old crazy Doctor A, huh?’
Doctor A is kind of crazy, with her wild hair and befuddled manner. But she has a nice smile.
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6 months and 19 days of travelling.. but have I changed?
..The reason I write tonight suggests not. or rather, not in the way I would like anyhow.
I guess I'm both annoyed and kinda worried that I haven't changed as much as I thought I would. By now I hoped to be somewhat a 'social butterfly' of sorts, you know.. what with meeting new people, being in new situations and generally being out of my comfort zone. I thought by doing these things I would have changed how I viewed myself thus being alot less insecure, doubtful and I guess, socially anxious too.
Who wants to feel so insecure that it feels almost everyone your partner looks at or talks to in a friendly jolly way, is a threat to you and your relationship? Nobody.
What's strange is I find myself having bouts of confidence, usually after what I think is a 'successful' conversation with maybe someone at work. It's these little successes that make me want to continue making conversation with people.
love feeling this way. It's as almost as though someone has opened a pair of windows overlooking a country landscape on a summers day, with all these smells and wildlife noises you're not normally witness to.
Then something knocks me off this high feeling, for instance an 'insecurity' scenario... all of a sudden, those once wide open cottage windows slam shut, iron bars emerge from the walls with barbed wire intertwining around the place. Before you know it I'm sat back in that prison cell that I should probably call 'home' now.
I apologize for the overuse of metaphors, I guess the only way to really understand how trapped someone feels, is to visualize it.
Hey, maybe after 6 months and 20 days everything will miraculously be as I hoped for..?
The internal battling continues, but it's welcomed relief to be able to empty (part of) my head tonight
~A Troubled Traveller
Ok, I will admit it. Now, after it is past. I played pokemon go. I started late, months after everyone else. But since I was not sleeping well, why not try to do something useful. So, 4am go out and hunt mons. I blew past all those I personally knew very quickly.
Horray for OCD tendancies!
On the serious side, it got me thru last winter. I barely noticed the seasonal down time at all. Near spring, I changed and tried to sleep past 4 am. It worked. I was not waking up and letting problems run thru my mind any more. It is a shame that the problems were not solved.
Anyone got a cure for Alzhiemers? That would be nice.
But, the cancer did go away. And stayed away so far. That is nice. One thing "got better"
Now, here we are, staring at the advent of long dark nights again. Just as many problems...more actually. I still can't do much about any of them. Less actually. How do I feel about that? hopeless as sh!t. Speaking of hope, isn't hope an irrational thing anyway? If depression is (usually) an irrational emotional reaction, the hope is just as irrational. No? Why should one hope that "tomorrow will be better" just because? It's the same me tomorrow as today. That doesn't change. My perspective on problems isn't changing. Can't solve many problems. That doesn't change.
So, if someone is hopeful, why aren't they being diagnosed and medicated? I think we should change that. Our community should be point out those that irrationally hopeful and happy and recommend them to get "fixed" or medicated. Bring them down a bit and keep them rational. Yea.
So, that is my "sh!t on the world" thought for the day. I know, I should be careful with things like that around here. While there is some humor there, there is also some seriousness. If you are on this site, don't take the above too seriously. But if you linked here from toohappy . com forums or something, then YES! take that very serious!
Anyway, found a new stupid game to try to carry me thru the Winter.
Oh, and I have a light box sitting on my desk. Roll into work, nice and dark. Turn on the light and blast myself with LUX! We will see how that goes. So far it is VERY annoying. Well, not the light...the co-irkers who see the glaring brightness and wander over to check it out. Then they want to talk about it (because they want to talk about it...not me. And because they don't have enough work. Not me again) So yes, very annoying, but in the unexpected way.
Should I feel bad about this light box? It's not mine. The wife bought it for our oldest kid. Kid#1 is graduated and working nights. Kid#1 also has depression and high anxiety. So a light box thing makes sense. A lot of sense.
So, I stole it. Well, sure, kid#1 tried it a couple nights, but did not get into the right rhythm with it. Then let it sit. So, I stole it from kid#1. No, I have not gotten kid#1 a replacement present. Maybe I should feel bad about that. Another day.
Ok. Blog buddies. If you have read this far...answer my questions. Should we medicate those that are irrational, but in a "positive" way? Should I feel bad for stealing from kid#1? Should I watch my sense of humor closer around here? Never know who is watching.... And, did I jump around topics too much? Am I in a 10 minute manic phase? If I am, should I be trying to leverage that into good productiveness instead?
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..For gaining weight. I now weigh 200 pounds When just a year ago I weighed 182 pounds.
..for having to use medication for sleep. Without it I don’t sleep at all. It also contributes to my weight gain.
..I hate myself for this life-long insomnia.
..for not being able to do as much calisthenics and running as I need to. Too many tendon issues the doctors are at a loss with.
.. for not being able to be a better version of myself. Someone I would like to be. Not that I even know who I want to be.
..for being constantly dissatisfied with myself.
..for not being able at 51 to even know what it is I want from life.
..for sucking at life.
..for being so fc uking weak. I have no backbone.
..for having no interests passion or true motivation for anything.
..for never having real dreams or aspirations.
..for ending up in dead end jobs I don’t like.
..for failing in every effort in trying to get a degree.
..being this imposter, this fake person without a soul.
..for being empty.
..for being dead within.
..for having no connection with myself or anything else for that matter.
..for not even knowing do I actually love anyone. Have I ever loved anyone?
..for going around in circles, making all the right noises as in the stuff you should do when you are depressed, have a personality disorder what ever. None of it gets me out of this circle of sxxt I’m in.
..for realizing this is it. It won’t get any better. Whatever I do will never be enough. Not for me it won’t.
..for being too much of a coward to end this pathetic waste of existence.
..for occasionally being too jaded to give a fff..
..for being me.
someone please just finish me off.
I wasn't ready for university.
I wasn't ready for life.
At 18 I was very behind in mental maturity. I didn't understand anything, much less than others my age.
I went into university not knowing what a bachelor's degree even was. I went in not understanding how expensive it all really was.
I focused on things that didn't matter, let people in who didn't deserve to be, spent a lot of time feeling bad about the things others have done to me, and trying to be who someone else expected me to be.
I am years behind in life, I am not young, I do not have my whole life ahead of me, I do not have 'opportunity', I do not have much choice.
The things I've done, the choices I've made, the chances I've ruined, they will never be undone and they have closed many doors on me.
I am very, very low on funds right now, and even lower on mental resources.
The economy is bad, the competition is high, the options are scarce for a pathetic, stupid, unprepared, depressed, anxious loser like me.
I cannot speak to anyone about it because they are all mean to me. I am told "You knew that going in" and "It's all on you, and you have to fix it".
None of that helps. I do not need to be told that. I must keep everything to myself because it all upsets other people.
The only person I can tell is a psychologist who I am paying $150 to see, which is very difficult to manage on my minimum wage part time job.
I am completely alone, no one understands because they are all on that "positive thinking" bulls*** train, riding along with their songs of "keep your head up" and "it'll all work out".
They believe that life follows a Disney script with adversity, growth and a blissful happy ending.
They do not understand that it has all been bad for me.
Here comes the anger, and deep sorrow will soon follow it.
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Today is the 15th anniversary of my mother’s death.
Nothing is more appropriate on this day than this graphic:
Everything on this list applied to her except one. The one that says “She will set her children against each other....” that can’t apply because I was an only child. I’m sure it would have been true if I had siblings, because she did this to a certain amount of success between my father and me.
"I pray that when I die, I am forgotten swiftly.
If not forgotten, I pray they hold it against me."
I had this habit of waiting for things to get really bad, then I would sign back on here and start to write out desperate please; for the most part Id stop once I saw how desperate I really was - shaking my head at the thought of what I was doing - disappointed in myself for trying to put my negativity out into the world.
The words above, in quotations were left from months ago. Usually I would erase them, but lately I have been realizing something important ...
I can't do this on my own; There's no way I'll make it out alive on my own. These words remind me that I may be feeling stable at the moment, but when the moment ends as it always does - I go to a place that is terrifyingly desperate.
I finally have a doctors appointment. Its a month away; and I can't be sure that the first visit will do me any good - as some of you may know from reading my blog/posts I have regretfully been trying all my life, to deal with this alone; grin and bear it so to speak.
I am afraid that I wont be able to express my issues well enough, that perhaps the Dr. Wont believe me, there is so much stigma surrounding that first visit; what if she just thinks im an addict of some sort, looking for drugs? What if I'm not as bad off as I think, and the Dr laughs off my struggle just as they did years ago, when many mental health issues were passed of as an unfortunate extention of puberty?
These are just my fears.
But I fear what I may become if I let this go on too much longer.
So i signed up for a charity walk for this past weekend. its was only 2 miles, it was relatively easy. I asked my mom if she wanted to do it with me and she said no. So in order to not get rejected directly (by asking individuals directly) I posted on facebook that I was taking part in this event, and how it was an easy short scenic walk, no registration fee to join, and how you can even bring your pups (which would intrigue quite a few people i know) and I asked if anyone wanted to join me. not only did no one respond, but no one even acknowledge the post. so I walked alone.In a way i really should be super proud of myself for 1. being able to go to an event alone (for the longest time i wouldnt subject myself to that, cause i felt like a reject doing it) and 2. for having self control and not haunting my old acquaintances to join me.i mean i still feel rejected that no one answered, and i still feel uncomfortable doing the event alone. but at least I got outside and did something i like.on another note....today 7 yrs ago...my friends/coworkers got together, confronted me and ended up having me admitted to a hospital. for the first time in a long time i felt loved. (i didnt want to be admitted, but i understood where they were coming from) so here i sit...7 yrs later....and havent talked to a single friend in months. even though i think i have better control over my depression...i feel like i havent come far at all and perhaps when a little backwards.everythings happening for a reason? right?
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I lie awake and I remember... it haunts me in a way I can’t put in to words. This was my dad... the person i look up to most. Never guessing my life would turn out this way. Who could.
But I could go on and on about how great he was. How we used to have water fights in the house, with the hose! He was so fun. And I miss him... I miss both of them. I never admit that. Most nights I wonder how to avoid bringing their names up. You see, I’m not allowed. In my ever so F’d up life... I’m STILL not allowed to say his name. As if he never exsisted.
Im afraid to express myself.... afraid for ANY person to feel even an instant of the grief I carry.
But this is my truth, my reality... not yours. I’m the one in a strange city who didn’t know who her father was... and never would have imagined the life he was living. He excepted me with all of my imperfections and I looked the other way with his.
I truely loved him with ever ounce of my sole. I hope he knows that.
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This is my first entry in a few years. I guess I'm writing again now because, well, I just don't have anything better to do. I figured I might as well at least try to get some of my current thoughts and feelings onto the page, as it were.
In a nutshell, I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I know, not very original, right? Most of us here at DF are pretty miserable in one degree or another, otherwise we wouldn't be spending time on a mental health support website. I don't discount the suffering others are experiencing here. I know how bad it can get. Right now, things are about as bad as they've ever been. Like, checking out guns for sale on the internet kind of bad.
Have no fear though, gentle readers, I'm not going to act on these thoughts, as loud and incessant as they are. For one thing, I have a child (I really wish I didn't at this point, but that's an entirely separate blog entry). As much as I feel trapped by fatherhood right now, I owe it to him to keep going, agony or no. And honestly, I really don't want to suggest to him that suicide is a way to solve his problems. Only he can decide that, should he ever be confronted with the same dire situation I find myself in. And I desperately hope he never has to even remotely consider it.
I really don't have the courage to take my life anyway. The human survival instinct is undeniably strong. If it weren't, I'd probably have been dead a long time ago. Make no mistake, I have no greater desire than nonexistence. My greatest wish right now is for a heart attack or stroke to just strike me down and put me out of my misery. I go to sleep every night hoping that night will be my last. But I just can't bring myself to go by way of the gun, the rope, or the bag, even though their deadly siren song constantly beckons.
As much as I hate to say it, I've pretty much given up on the hope of having any sort of fulfilling or meaningful life. I feel like an anthropologist on Mars, to quote some famous author whose name I can't remember. I feel like the character of Roy Neary in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind, who is tortured by unexplainable visions and winds up at the brink of sanity, while the rest of the world hums along serenely. Like him, I peer out the window longingly at people happily living out their lives, while I remain trapped in a living hell where the demons of depression persist in torturing me to madness.
I wish I could k.i.l.l. myself.
But I can't.
So I suffer.
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A long time ago, when I was fourteen and fifteen years old, my mother hadn't yet snapped enough to be carted away. So I would go home to visit. Yes, I would VISIT my mother like a long lost relative instead of a cherished and only child. Three times a year, two weeks at a time and this despite boarding at a school less than an hour away. Still, she managed the pretense of fuss and anguish for, oh, a good few minutes whenever i stepped out of that taxi.
One might think she might have made the most of this time. One might even think she would encourage any number of her dickhead boyfriends to take a very long shower and come back in a fortnight. Nope. All she really did was make me wonder if we wouldn't be better off taking the front door off its hinges and fitting a turnstile. Some of these leery _____s are etched into my head, staring at my bum or my chest or perving while I was swimming in the pool. My fault apparently, for being "so very pretty" and dressed provocatively. You mean in a tank top and pyjama bottoms ... at the breakfast table ... at 8 in the morning ... in my own ****ing house ... provocatively? You mean? I wondered more than once.
Smooth-brained sighs like hers still trigger me. Nascent sex crimes were less alarming to her than me swearing about it, apparently. **** that, I said loudly and often. If only to guarantee the happiness of two people that I was going back to the child-minding institution that was notionally a prestigious school.
Skipping that bad bits, she was indeed and duly carted off.
After this, I got a job. It wouldn't happen now because this job was in a bar and I was only sixteen. I liked it, primarily because the people that were responsible for me would have gone category 5 mental if they knew and because the man i worked for didn't seem to mind that i wasn't very good at it. Well, he did and he didn't. I was removed from the bar because I was too liberal with drinks and couldn't seem to wrap my head around the idea that all drinks must be paid for. Commerce sucks.
So I got 'demoted' to door duty. Which was awesome. And he himself liked and encouraged meanness and intolerance and attitude and the turning away of patrons for no other reason than they could be. I just had a halfway home for a mountain of rage.
One night, he offered me two-and-a-half grand an a substantial amount of white powder to have sex with him. I declined. That doesn't make me a saint because I spend 12 years not declining, let's say.
Now, the nuns at school would have told me his was the greater sin.
The law would tell me his is the greater crime.
My mum would perhaps have wondered if $2,500 was enough money.
They're all wrong.
His sins were out in the open and to that sixteen year old self, that was almost a comfort.
Now I have a new job. It's taken all I have to balance everything to achieve it and that sixteen year old self is the reason I tried in the first place.
Things are going well and I feel happy. I am seeing my friends, I am expanding my social circle to include new friendships, I am getting out a lot, meeting a lot of new people, and am having a lot of fun! Things are good and I cannot complain. The only one glitch is trying to find a new job, but I know that will come in time. I just need patience and persistence. My current job is going better than usual, my boss is (mostly) receptive to my ideas and they're getting implemented, which will help me to be more successful. I guess I am just feeling good these days, so that's a great thing.
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Things have gotten much better for me during the last week. Anxiety is still there and I am afraid of it actually getting a tighter hold of me but depression is fading away. I don't know which one is better - severe depression with mild anxiety or mild depression with severe anxiety. For me it's always either or. I guess that comes with being bipolar.
Anyway, for me reduced depression means that...
I get off the bed and stay up all day.
Suicidal thoughts and other negative thoughts about myself are gone.
I am able to recieve love and I am growing interest in other people.
I have energy and will to get things done.
... just to name a few. I believe I owe to lamotrigine. Finally medication that takes the edge off from depression without making me hypomanic. I have also been able to get rid off quetiapine in order to sleep. I just wish I could use it daytime to help me with anxiety but it makes me too sleepy. I guess I have to bring out the benzos which is against better judgement.
The work question is still causing me stress. I don't know what to do. Maybe making a list of cons and pros would help with my decision. Getting a new job won't be an issue, it's letting go of the old one. I still have three weeks left of my sick leave. I must come to some kind of solution before that. I feel like I need a fresh start but it's so scary.
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Today I hit a lowpoint.
I woke up to a dark sky in the morning. Cold weather and a sky that remained dark and cloudy throughout the day. I went to work. I faked it hard.
I got home and fell to the ground in tears.
I am in so much pain right now. I am under so much stress. It won't stop raining and there has been no sun for 4 days.
Despite the weather this was a long time coming. I saw the signs. My withdrawal from people, this site, my moodiness, my anxiety...and here I find myself in a relapse.
Eating stew at 2:30am to quell my nerves (cause food is the only thing that makes me feel better) because I am riddled with anxiety over my thoughts that i'd be better off dead. That things won't get better. That I will never amount to anything. That I am stuck in a dead end job. That people close to me will hurt me. I feel a bit of paranoia as well. I feel like I am going insane. I don't know how I will make it to work tomorrow.
And to call off seems dumb when I need the money so badly. A family vacation comes next month and I am not looking forward to it. I am already so stressed about the funds. Stuff still isn't paid off and I am just not having any joy at all about it.
Work is driving me insane. Gossip gossip gossip. I don't care about people's lives and I wish people would leave mine alone. I can't trust anyone there. One girl in particular is making things really hard recently. She's new and already decided she dislikes me. I don't even know her and I have to work with her. Work with her ignoring me. So I ignore her as well. I try to stay away from her energy. But I fail. She makes work even more depressing.
And my boyfriend....
I feel so bad he is stuck with me. The other day he told me he is sure he will propose to me when we meet because we are dating online across countries. But....I am so ****ed up. How can I be a wife? Let alone a strong enough one for him? And there is so much responsibility that comes with dating him and things in regards to travel and visas and money. It is so hard to love to someone you can't physically hold.
Its.....too much for me lately. I just want to die.
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So, it's been many many months since I have made a blog entry. Well I'm still taking the Prozac for the depression, although I've not had any depressive feelings in months, so that's a great thing! The anxiety and panic however is still with me. As a result of the anxiety, I've not been to a dentist in about 10 years, well I developed an infected tooth and so I found a new dentist that is awesome and he prescribed me Xanax to help with my appointments as I have to get 3 root canals done, well 2 now as I already had the one done last week. I can honestly say that the Xanax is a miracle drug for me, for high stress, high anxiety situations. I do not take it every day, as he only gave me a script for 6, however I take only .25mg of it and it works wonders. I see all the time of people saying things like, "oh that's a bad drug, it's a gateway to harder drugs and you can get addicted to it" well yeah, but if I only take it for things like dentist appointments, or times when I am having anxiety due to stressful situations I don't see the harm in it. If i'm sitting at home, and have anxiety i'm not going to take it, maybe that's the difference between becoming addicted to it, and using it responsibly. I have an appointment tomorrow with my PDOC, and i'm going to ask for a script for this, as to me it makes me feel normal in situations that have in the past made me have panic attacks, like being in a car stuck in traffic, dental appointments, etc... I'm posting this so if anyone else is wondering if it works, well everyone is different and for me it works wonders. Hope all are well out there!
Many weeks without a job interview. Maybe a month left before severance runs out.
Friends are gone but I don't blame them.
D gone ages ago...lost to fear
K gone months ago...lost to my desperation.
R gone months ago because past hurt was too great of a hurt.
J gone ...because I wasn't needed anymore.
I want to die. Just to pass beyond this hell of life . To free everyone of this. No one cares
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The Only Way To Live And Be An Inspired Figure/Artist Is Through Positive Emotions (i.e. Hedonism)
Note to Reader: This is a summarized version of my book. It is my best summary of them all. People might have many objections to this summary which is the reason why I have written an entire book on this to address these objections. My book, which is 50 pages long, fully explains my personal experience in depth and explains the concept of the inner light (the positive quality we all need to make our lives good and worth living which, I am very doubtful, can take on a form besides our positive emotions). Basically, my book explains everything you need to know. So, that is why you shouldn't just jump to the conclusion that I am talking nonsense or anything of the sort since objections such as these might have already been addressed in my book. One last thing here. I am firmly convinced of my worldview based upon my own personal experience and I don't think there is any way to convince me otherwise.
This is because there is no possible way I can understand how a life without the inner light can truly be a good and worthwhile life to live. One last thing here. Many people might get the idea that I am someone selfish, weak, cowardly, spoiled, childish, etc. since my positive emotions are the only things that give my life good value and worth. It has nothing to do with that. Rather, it is a huge misconception these people would be having of me which is the very reason why I have written this packet and my book. The fact is, we all need the inner light in our lives to give our lives real good value and worth. It has nothing to do with being selfish, childish, or anything of the sort. Humanity, if they haven't already, needs to be awakened to the inner light rather than pretending it does not exist. Lastly, please read the Q&A section of this packet as well since it will also address any objections you have.
Summary Of My Philosophy/Worldview
Many people would tell you that, if you want your life to have good value, joy, beauty, love, and worth, to have a positive mindset where you believe that your life is good, beautiful, joyful, loving, and worth living. But it was never about the mindsets (our ways of thinking) themselves because they, themselves, do not actually give our lives any real good value, bad value, or worth. This is because having a positive or negative mindset is not any real positive or negative quality and, thus, no real good or bad value in your life. It would be no different than water.
Water is an actual quality and having the belief/mindset that you have it in your life would not give you any real water. In order to have water in your life, then you need actual water. With this being said, what would be the real positive and negative quality? It would be our positive and negative emotions. Positive emotions would be biochemical induced states such as a feeling of excitement or joy from getting a new movie or a feeling of love.
Negative emotions would be something such as a feeling of despair, anger, sadness, or misery. Again, mindsets themselves are not the same thing as emotions. If you struggled with depression or misery, then just thinking to yourself that you are having a positive emotional state such as feeling excited to go to the carnival would not give you any real excitement. That is, thinking and believing you are excited is not the same thing as actually being excited.
The same idea applies to having good and bad value in our lives. The positive and negative qualities (our positive and negative emotions) would be qualities of good and bad. So, if you wanted your life to have the greatest good value, then you would need to be in the most blissful state of your life. Likewise, if you wanted your life to have the worst value, then you would need to be in the worst negative emotional state of your life.
But who would want their lives to be the worst? I know I wouldn't. With all of this being said, even though positive and negative emotions are the only real good and bad in our lives, making wise decisions should still not be dismissed. For example, during my worst miserable moments, I have still chosen to get the help I needed. Likewise, during my most blissful moments, I have chosen to not do anything reckless.
I think only stupid people would use this whole idea of our emotions being the real good and bad as a means to do reckless and harmful things to themselves and/or others around them. One last thing here and this is an important question. Isn't everything I have just said here something we already know for a scientific fact? Wouldn't the qualities of good and bad have to be a scientific definition of good and bad?
Furthermore, wouldn't this also mean that all those famous and genius artists out there who have struggled with misery, depression, and despair had no real good value, worth, and beauty in their lives through creating their works of art regardless of what they believed otherwise? They would need at least a small degree of positive emotions mixed in with their misery to give them some good values in their lives.
If that is so, then positive emotions are the only way to live and they are the only way to be an artist since they are the only things that can truly make our lives and artistic endeavors good, beautiful, and worth living for. My own personal experience supports this quite well. I have struggled for 10 years with the worst misery and hopelessness induced by stressful life events and obsessive thinking. They were the worst negative emotional states of my life.
During that whole entire time, not a single moment was any real good value, beauty, joy, or worth in my life regardless of the fact that I believed certain things still had those said values such as the idea of getting the help I needed. After all, me getting the help I needed to regain my positive emotions would certainly be a good and beautiful thing for a hedonist such as myself. But the fact that there was no real good values in my life at all supports this whole idea I've just talked about.
But the moment I have fully recovered from such miserable states was the moment all of the good values were, in a way, magically brought back into my life again which supports the idea that there is something more that gives our lives good value than our mindsets. It would have to be the good quality (my positive emotions) being restored back into my life again.
It was like I was someone deprived of the sacred water of goodness I needed in my life and personally defining it to be there didn't work for me since it wasn't the real sacred water. It is only once I have fully recovered that this sacred water, metaphorically speaking, has returned back into my life again. It was like there was something blocking the flow of it in my life which created a drought. Recovering was like getting rid of that blockage and, thus, allowing the flow of this sacred water back into my life again. To conclude this portion of my packet, everything I have said in this packet and in my book supports the hedonistic worldview/philosophy.
Hedonism is the idea that our positive emotions are the real good to our lives and that our negative emotions are the real bad to our lives. In essence, pursue as much pleasure as you can and avoid as much pain as you can since pleasure is what gives our lives good value and pain is what gives our lives bad value. We can only see the good value in life through pleasure (the positive/good quality mental state) and we can only see the bad value in life through pain (the negative/bad quality mental state). Even so, we should still make wise decisions and choices as I said earlier to bring our lives the greatest pleasure and the least pain.
Other Person's Response: Feelings are very important elements of our lives, but isn't it the case that the good or bad value of our lives comes from actions, rather than our feelings?
Having an abundance of good feelings (happiness, joy, love...) is much better than having a surfeit of wretchedness and misery. The value of our lives -- as perceived by others, certainly, and ourselves -- is a product of our works. Someone who vegetates in a state of bliss isn't doing anything for anyone else. And someone who feels like death warmed over -- but who also performs service to others -- has a more valuable life -- yes?
My Reply: I still don't agree and I will never agree no matter what anyone says. My reasons are as follows. Continue reading this Q&A section which explains why.
Other Person's Response: I think your worldview might set up a dangerous model for society. Imagine if your model set up a world where criminals broke into your home and tortured you since it brought them positive emotions and it was the good thing to do, according to your model. Wouldn't that convince you that your worldview is false?
My Reply: It still wouldn't. Nothing would convince me otherwise. This is because you don't realize how vital and precious our inner light is. It is truly the only thing there is to life. Don't let that mislead you into thinking that my worldview is false. Things that seem absurd are often times things that are true. Not all models have to be functional to be true. There are, in fact, models out there that are true despite the fact that they seem quite absurd.
Certain things in life just work certain ways and that's just that. For example, there are many people who die of illnesses. Just because this is something that really does not work well for us as human beings does not make it untrue. One last thing here. Knowing something is true is the same thing as being convinced it is true because it would make no sense to say that you choose to remain deluded despite knowing the truth.
This means that the fact that I am not convinced means that I have not acquired any knowledge of my worldview being false if it really is false. But this knowledge would not take on the form of studying up on values, morals, and ethics because no amount of studying up will ever convince me otherwise. Rather, we are talking a completely different type of knowledge here. This form of knowledge would be personal experience. Based upon my own personal experience, I have come to realize that my positive emotions are the inner light that gives my life real good value, beauty, and worth.
Therefore, in order to convince me otherwise, that would require a whole new personal experience that gives my life real good values and not just a matter of thinking good values are there when there isn't. As long as I have no such personal experience in my life, then I will always have this worldview. Personal experience and educating yourself are two entirely different matters. Try convincing someone that his/her personal experience is false. It just won't work. This person's personal experience is so powerful and profound that nothing will convince him/her otherwise.
Other Person's Response: "Good" and "bad" are subjective judgments based on personal preference. There was someone on here a little while ago that said she didn't like happiness. It's up to the individual to decide things like good, bad and worth.
My Reply: She would have to be delusional then. That, or she actually had a negative emotion on some small level even though she did not realize it. Another possibility would be that the positive and negative qualities have taken on a different form for her besides her positive emotions (happiness) and negative emotions. But I doubt that based upon my own personal experience. My life (conscious/mental reality) was literally the worst hell and completely devoid of any real good value, joy, worth, and beauty during those miserable/hopeless moments.
Therefore, I think positive and negative emotions truly are the only real positive and negative qualities and that people are just deluding themselves otherwise. I am not necessarily saying that she is delusional though. She could have another form of this inner positive quality as I said before. But, based upon my own personal experience, my positive emotions are my only inner light.
Other Person's Response: Comments regarding the meaningless or worthlessness of life if your "worldview" were true would necessarily be limited to describing your own life's meaningless or worthlessness.
My Reply: I metaphorically described the positive and negative qualities as being the inner light and the inner darkness. The inner light and the inner darkness is a well known metaphor presented in many movies, anime, and t.v. shows. Without the inner light, then we could have nothing but the inner darkness or neither light nor darkness. So, I think you are wrong here. We all need the inner light to make our lives truly good and beautiful. Otherwise, it is truly no way to live or be an artist.
Other Person's Response: You know it's true when anime says so. Now, where did I leave my tentacles........
My Reply: Again, it is a metaphor for life itself which holds true. Just because the positive quality is literally depicted as an inner angelic light in these anime shows does not dismiss the message that these anime are conveying. They are conveying the message that we all need the inner positive quality in our lives to truly make our lives good and beautiful. So, these anime are actually conveying a realistic message.
It would be no different than how anime convey messages of love and friendship through battling mystical beasts or through acquiring mystical powers. I mean, the real message is still there despite the mystical elements. One last thing here. Sure, you might see certain anime characters surrounded by dark aura which indicates the inner darkness and, sure, they might have done kind deeds and whatnot despite that inner darkness.
This character might have even believed it to be a good and beautiful thing to perform these kind deeds. But this character would need at least some of the inner light in his/her inner universe to allow him/her to truly perceive it as being a good and beautiful thing to help these people. The darkness would actually be blinding this character from truly seeing the good value and beauty of life and in the helping of others. That is why this character would need at least a little bit of inner light to see a bit through that darkness.
Another example would be characters trapped inside a dark void of emptiness and despair. This is a dark void separated from all joy, beauty, and goodness. These characters, while in this void, can believe all they want to that their friends, family, nature, the universe, etc. are still good, beautiful, and worthwhile things. But these characters are still in a state of mind where their lives are completely empty and devoid of any goodness, joy, and beauty.
It would be like souls trapped in the realm of darkness. These souls can believe all they want that things are still good and beautiful. But they are trapped in the dark realm and, thus, they have no light to allow them to truly see the goodness, worth, and beauty of those things. Again, all of this is just a metaphor to get my point across. It still gives an accurate representation of reality. If you want an analogy/metaphor that is based on reality, then I will give it to you. It would be like you are in a pitch black cave. You can believe all you want to that there is gold inside that cave.
But you need some light to see that gold. The more light you have, the more the gold shines. The less light you have, the less this gold shines. That is, the more light you have, the more you are able to see that gold and the less light you have, the less you are able to see that gold. With all of this being said, our beliefs, attitudes, and mindsets alone are not the inner light to our lives. There is something that goes beyond that and that is what we truly need in our lives. It is the true inner light and not some counterfeit.
Unfortunately, if there are a number of factors in your life that take away your inner light such as the factors that take away our positive emotions (i.e. depression, misery, brain damage, etc.), then you are at a disadvantage just as how a person who is in a pitch black cave would be at a disadvantage if the light or torch he had grew dimmer and dimmer due to a number of factors such as insufficient fuel or low batteries in his/her flashlight. If this person was relying on the light of daytime to see the gold in that dark cave, then the factor that would dim the light would be the day becoming night.
Now, this whole concept also applies to the bad value in your life. As long as you have nothing but the inner light, then you are blinded by the light and you cannot see anything bad. You would be in nothing but a state of pure joy, love, beauty, and goodness and you cannot be in any state of misery, despair, torment, suffering, agony, badness, etc. To conclude and recap, I think our positive emotions (aka happiness) is the only inner light we as human beings have to allow us to see the good value, joy, beauty, love, and worth of things in our lives.
Other Person's Response: Could you give me an example of people who think that their positive emotions are the inner light to their lives as you claim?
My Reply: There are many people out there who struggle with depression. Many hate their lives and they just want to die. They say that having a positive mindset does nothing for them. This supports my worldview quite well because these depressed people are only expressing the truth here. They are merely expressing the need for the inner light back into their lives again.
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Things are getting bad again.
Everyone with depression can relate. It feels like you're treading water in the middle of the ocean. There's no land in sight. Every now and then, a ship enters your field of view, and you're filled with a little hope that maybe this time, someone will see you. Someone will help you. Someone will pull you out of the f**king water. But the ship steams by on the horizon, never seeing you, never getting any closer, and you're alone again. And then sometimes it's not just treading water. Sometimes, the sharks start circling underneath you. Sometimes, the wind picks up and the flat water gets first choppy, then outright stormy. As if your arms and legs weren't already tired enough.
Yeah. It's like that.
This is not good.
couple of weeks since my job went away. luckily i still have some severance time and my second job to tie me over till i find another one. been working on learning Solidworks to help boost my marketability. we shall see how it goes.
before i lost my job i had decided to make some changes in my life.
here are some thoughts on my progress.
observation #1 i really need to shut up.
no more complaining about feelings and such. things are as they are, complaining does little good when i dont make changes or cant make them. all it does is burn out loved ones and make them give up. i've already lost too much to this and i know its too late to fix.
even humans with superior empathy have limits. when they see no progress, they eventually give up.
observation #2 resources are finite.
as i said, compassion is a well you can only draw from so many times. i drew way too often on the support of those i loved and didnt give enough back. i lost people because of it and it is no ones fault but mine for being selfish.
observation #3 not everyone is a healer.
expecting support where it cannot be given is just as bad as taking too much. some people have nothing to give. its best to recognize them early on that way no one gets hurt. its not their fault that they have nothing to give, maybe it was used up by another. maybe their own life is so hellish that they need all their strength to make it day to day.
maybe this sounds a little cold.....
it seems like those of us who get depressed are a little on the "feeling" side of the spectrum. we cannot understand those who go through life following cold logic over emotion but i think its the key to survival.
we will never be happy as emotionless robots but we can learn how to wrap our hearts in a little armor.
ill never love myself, that is something i accept. my balance sheet has too much in the negative side to ever let me love myself but by accepting what is i can move on and still try help others where i can.
I'm a straight up douche. I don't have much empathy skills. How to get empathy? It's like in real life I'm a good person, but when I'm typing on the computer I don't have much empathy. I would like empathy. I gotta get empathy. I will start learning now.
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Well, I thought I'd follow up, although now this blog seems like a much dumber idea than it did last night. The 4mg of melatonin I took last night was phenominal. I was shocked, honestly. It probably took me less than an hour to fall asleep, which is amazing for me...like, unheard of. I slept straight through the night and most of the morning, too...11 solid hours. I know better than to get my hopes up about it's continued success...it could have just been that my body and mind were going to shut down anyway. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks, so it could potentially just be a coincidence. But I'm taking another 4mg again tonight...if I get two good nights in a row, I'll know for sure I owe it to the melatonin.
Not long after my breakdown I became good friends on a depression website (not this one) with a guy who constantly battled suicidal thoughts. This was during a time of my life when I lived with daily suicidal ideations. Late one night we happened to cross paths in a suicide thread when I was on the brink of following through with my plans. His obsession with ending his life actually played a big part with me hanging on to mine because I felt like he needed someone to encourage him to keep living. We bonded in the suicide forum over late night pity parties. It was a rather odd relationship!
I thought it was amusing that my friend’s user name was RoyGBiv. Everyone I knew ~ including my 4 children ~ had learned the colors of the rainbow by being introduced to Roy G. Biv. What an unusual name choice for such a brooding, desperate guy! He had a terribly unhappy life and had absolutely no family or friends. He was a diabetic and had all sorts of diabetic-related health problems that kept him going in and out of the hospital. He was honest with me about being extremely overweight. He lived with chronic pain, which formed an immediate connection between us beyond our shared ponderings of suicide. Only another chronic pain sufferer is able to truly understand the agony of living with relentless pain every minute of every day.
As Roy’s depression worsened, his messages to me became almost creepy as he became completely obsessed with thinking of a variety of ways to end his life. He was constantly ordering "supplies" from other countries off the Internet that he planned to use. He recommended books to me and sent me links to really horrible Internet sites. Everybody else on the forum disliked him because of his dark posts and ridiculous statements. I knew Roy needed help and encouraged him to find it, but I was just a faceless name that lived in his computer. He had no real people in his life that cared about him.
It bothered Roy that I didn't need to plan or research to order "supplies" if I was going to follow through on my suicide plans. My pain medications fill a huge basket and most of them are potent narcotics. Every message Roy sent to me talked about how he was "going to do it" and that he "couldn't hang on another day" and that he was "totally giving up." I heard these threats several times a week for over a year. Since I was often in the same state of mind Roy was, I took these threats seriously. I shared my concerns about Roy with another friend on that forum. He told me that Roy was just bluffing because he liked the attention I gave him.
The one thing that seemed to be holding Roy back was the fear that he would do an incomplete job and end up physically and/or mentally disabled or that he would be unsuccessful and would end up locked in a mental institution. He knew that I had traumatic experiences with being hospitalized involuntarily and that I could sympathize with his fear.
One day I got an email from Roy telling me he just couldn't go on any longer. It was a message I had received from him many, many times before. His message came at a time when I was going through a bad time myself with physical pain. My son was graduating from high school the coming weekend and I was pushing myself to the limit getting ready for his huge graduation party ~ cleaning, shopping, cooking, decorating, and moving furniture. I had lists and lists of things to do and physically I was having a rough time. I didn't reply to Roy's message right away because I was hurting so badly myself that I didn't feel I could give him the same pep talk that I'd given him so many times before. Several days passed before I replied to his message. Evidently I had waited too long. I never heard from him again. I repeatedly sent him messages both by email and through personal messages on the forum, but he never replied. He also abruptly disappeared from that forum, never to be heard from again. He had never told me his real name or what state he lived in. The only information the forum administrators had for him was his email address, which I already had. He had no family or friends that would realize he was missing and could go check on him. I was devastated and overwhelmed with guilt. I'll never know if I had replied and encouraged him like I always did if he would have held on…but then I’ll never know for sure what happened. Maybe he just got angry at me that I ignored that last frantic message and stopped emailing me, although I doubt he would end our friendship over something like that. If he did finally do what he’d been threatening to do for over a year, I prayed that he would be missed from his place of employment and that sooner or later someone would go to his home and find him.
In the years following Roy’s disappearance from my life I've gone through several almost-over-the-edge/I'm-going-to-do-it suicidal episodes. The same Internet friend that assured me Roy was just bluffing told me afterwards, "I knew you wouldn't do it." That “friend” was wrong. I really was going to do “it.” That "friend" and I rarely ever correspond any more.
Thoughts of Roy have been circling like vultures overhead lately…scavengers waiting to pick through the remains of that friendship if I ever get around to pronouncing it dead. It’s been an extremely slow process, but I‘ve finally discerned the difference between what I thought was grief and what I knew was guilt…guilt that burned inside me and wouldn’t let me go. Webster’s College Dictionary defines guilt as "the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously." The Dictionary of Psychology defines guilt as "An emotional state produced by the knowledge that one has violated moral standards." An article I read about guilt states, “The mind is full of despair and does not have any kind of hope to resolve the situation.” For years I’ve been hauling around this emotional baggage because I had waited to email Roy. With the weight from all of that guilt no wonder my disks are degenerating! But did I really commit this offense “especially consciously”? I’m on board with the hopeless despair, but if anyone violated moral standards here, it was Roy mixing his final cocktail.
I’m finally ready to let go. I’m ready to release myself from this heavy guilt. The fire is over and I’m dealing with the ashes now. The vultures are free to land.
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It's thanksgiving in Canada. Today five years ago, my father tried to k i l l me. I was trying to defend my sister in one of his rage fueled tirades. He's been abusive since I was young, and I've been rebelling and standing up to him since I was young. My sister and I are twins by the way. But you've never met two more different people in your entire life. I posted an image that said "your family's problems are not yours" with a cartoon to go with it. I was having a low day and I needed the reminder and I know friends who do too. I'll never be posting personal stuff again which really sucks, I use my social media as an extension of my personality but now I can't. Someone told my sister about it (I blocked her on all social media) and she berated me about a number of things. So now I'm pretty messed up.
I am working through my triggers, and my love has been very centering for me. She's really angry at them for me. My PTSD was making me spiral and I was seriously having a bad time. I feel like now. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to take a shower and see if that helps a bit.
My family is my biggest trigger. They just break you down and expect you to be the bigger person so it can absolve them of their wrong doing. They expect you to just get over it, mental health isn't a big deal, why am I making such a fuss? I'm so drained. I feel like I want to curl up and hide.
On the bright side, we are celebrating thanksgiving as indigenous people's day instead. We are not indigenous, but we hate the colonial idea that Canada was "Made" by europeans with a non-controversial history. So we are celebrating indigenous people world wide, their resilience, their power, their stories and their struggle. We continue our promise to be good allies, to educate ourselves and others, and to be there for them when it's needed. I am making dinner for us and even though I'm drained mentally and physically, it'll be a good distraction for me. One of my best friends lives with us, he's been great at listening and ranting (my fiance is at work but she called me on her breaks to check in with me) I don't know what i'd do without my support system.
I think i'll take myself up on that shower and cuddle with my dogs.
I hope your holiday was better than mine.