Jump to content

Blogs

Featured Entries

  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 19 comments
    • 9,589 views

Horrible, Rotten, Terrible, No Good Thursday

I'm having a terrible day.  My anxiety is off the charts, I feel like my head is in a bubble, and my body is aching from the cold, damp weather.  The sun is shining but it seems so fake, like I'm a character on a movie set and life is some dark film noir.  I wish I could calm down and sleep it off, but I can't stop the electric tingling in my chest.  Panic attacks suck.

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

I Feel Like Such an Idiot

I screwed up a customer's order.  A long time customer.  A customer whose last couple of orders I screwed up.  I feel like such an idiot.  I've spent the whole day beating myself up over it, and I'm not done yet. This last year my memory has been terrible.  I thought at first that it was just age, but now I'm wondering if it's from the meds.  I've never been so scatterbrained.  I hope it's the meds.  I hope it's the one the fnp is weaning me off of.  Guess I'll find out once it's out of my

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

Monkey wrench in plans: I lost my job

OMG - I lost my job last week - last Tuesday to be exact. They told me that my skill set "doesn't match their needs". I did not anticipate being let go, when I wrote my last entry about being excited for this new year. Forget quitting smoking - not now. I am far too stressed.  I sort of thought I would eventually be let go, but I really did not expect it. I thought I was doing a good enough job - but apparently not good enough for them. On my last website audit that I did by myself, my boss

RiverLight

RiverLight in Employment

What Dreams May Come

This is a peaceful time of year for me.  All the stress and craziness of Christmas is over, and I can get some rest before spring.  I lost a lot of plants in my greenhouse over Christmas, and I can't decide if I want to try again to start plants to sell.  I'm not sure I want to bother with it any more. I've been having vivid dreams lately, something I haven't had for some time.  Last night I dreamed that I moved back to Georgia, met someone, and fell in love.  I was so happy in that dream t

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

A new year

I am excited about this new year. I have many goals and dreams to accomplish, starting first with improving my health. I am quitting smoking, I will start exercising and I wish to lose 10 more pounds. I want to get back to the weight I was at before I met my abusive husband, who only just encouraged me to eat junk food and to GAIN weight. I swear that he wanted me to be fatter so that I wouldn't get so much attention from men while we were out. He always commented on how men would eye me up and

RiverLight

RiverLight in New Year

A Mighty Story

I worked hard to be here.   To be in a place where I could sit up straight and look down. And see the roots. To behold the extent of their depth in a seemingly bottomless toxic miasma. To notice how much poison is buried there. And to not lose posture. To keep my back straight. Knowing I am vaccinated against most of what is buried there.   But there is still a lot of work to be done.   It’s interesting from a sociological perspective, really. I was raised in a hous

Tymothi

Tymothi in Positivity

Instruction manual for life

One thing I always wished for in the engineering/ design world was a book of "worst practices". A list of designs that failed and why.  A worst practices guide to life would help a lot as well.   Don't worship anyone.  Humans are not objects of veneration.  Its not fair to the worshiper or idolized. You cannot fix others.  Its hard enough to fix yourself and you never know anothers mind.   Pain can be numbed but it is still there.  Numbness can lead to worse hurt. Dreams

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer in enlightenment

Phase of life…

I’m sad that this is the only place I can let out my anguish and anger and how upset I am with everything that’s happening to me. I don’t care about what people say to be grateful for all that I have. I am grateful but I’m also tired. I’m a horrible person I know. I know you want to die but so do I and so do many other people on this earth. You think we love to take care of you? You think we want you to keep taking those cholesterol medicine and high blood pressure medicine and whatever medicine

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

Tired of life

Quoting Dr Glenn Doyle: “Can’t clean up a whole room? Clean a corner of it. Can’t do all the dishes? Do a dish. Can’t get in the shower? Wash your face. Always look for the thing you CAN do, with the energy and focus you DO have. Little wins pave the way for bigger wins. 1% beats 0%.”  I feel I’m always at 1%. But I guess that’s still better than nothing. Celebrate little achievements to keep motivating myself to be consistent even if it’s a consistent 1%. One day I’ll reach 2%. One day. 

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

What I've Learned About Abuse

Abuse is cyclical and starts with the honeymoon period, followed next by the tension building period, followed next by the explosive period, followed again by the honeymoon stage. In the honeymoon stage, they are love bombing you, and shower you with affection, apologies, gifts, generosity and tears even - this usually follows an incident of abuse, or is how the beginning of the relationship starts. Then inevitably, following a honeymoon period, they then start to devalue, criticize, fear builds

RiverLight

RiverLight in Personal

A Dysfunctional Relationship With the World

I'm having a depressed day today.  I wish I could get motivated to do something but all I want to do is sit here.  I really hope tomorrow is a better day. I've been thinking of a very dark time in my life lately.  As a teenager I started self medicating, due to a combination of depression, and a terrible relationship with my mom.  I was told to get a job, and then when I did, my parents complained that I was never home.  I felt like no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough.  I couldn't w

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

learning to my detriment

found out through Myers-briggs that i rate as INFP-t  this means nothing to anyone but me.  to me it was a good revelation.   no one will know what is in my head or why I think as I do.   I am glad to finally learn that others see the world differently.  I wish I had learned this decades ago when it would help.  now I know that I am old and the world I built in my head is not shared by anyone else, my time has slipped away.   every single person who I tried to bring into my reality has gone

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer in enlightenment

Memory Lane is a Dead End Street

It was a simple question, with a simple answer.  But it brought my life into focus. Mom had just spit venom at me, something I'd gotten used to.  I don't remember what for, and it really didn't matter.  I'd gotten so used to being yelled at that it didn't even phase me, it was just the normal routine.  It didn't even embarrass me that this outburst was in the yard, in front of several of my friends.  Mom stomped away, and one of my friends turned to me and asked "Why does your mom hate you

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

I Can't Help But Wonder

Forty years ago today my dad died.  He was 31; I was 10.  I'd seen my dad in the hospital many times, but at that age, I didn't really appreciate that he didn't have much time.  I still miss him terribly. We were living in a trailer park in Wentzville, MO at the time.  It was a great park, with several lakes, and I spent a lot of time fishing, which was a great solitary activity, perfect for me as an anxious loner.  I spent the whole day attempting to fish, but mostly I just cried, and I gu

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

Finally... Happiness!

WOW - what a turnaround - 180 degrees. I am HAPPY. I am at PEACE. I feel GREAT!!!!! My newfound freedom from being under his thumb, enduring his negativity, gaslighting and insults - I am finally FREE of all his abuse and energy draining toxicity. THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has two more trips before he is fully moved out. This morning he tried to anger me, and it worked. He pushed my buttons and I got mad. He does this deliberately in order to have control over me and my emotions. But, now I

RiverLight

RiverLight in Happy

Seven Years On

My parents divorced when I was four or five, and my mom got a job working nights at a local factory.  During the week I stayed with my grandparents, so I lost both parents in the divorce.  But I digress.  I was always close to my grandparents and I miss them terribly. My grandmother passed in 2009, officially.  She had Alzheimer's so her mind checked out long before her body.  It's a horrible disease, robbing you of your soul.  My grandfather was displaying symptoms of it as well at the end

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

Back here again... Divorce now pending

Well, I am now leaving my husband for the second and last time. He has pushed me TOO FAR, and I now know for certain that I've been involved with an abusive narcissist.  He had agreed to go to couples counseling with me and individual therapy. He's been in therapy for the last year, and now I see that he hasn't been working on himself at all. He charmed our couples therapist, who looked at me as though I'm the problem. The couples therapist frequently invalidated my perspective, my feelings

RiverLight

RiverLight in divorce

A Walking Pharmacy

The dreaded month of October will soon be here.  My grandfather died on the 4th. My dad died on the 28th.  A good friend died on the tenth.  My uncle died on the fourteenth. And in between all that, I will turn 50 this year.  40 didn't bother me.  Neither did 30.  But 50 is really filling me with regret.  I always dreaded my birthday because it reminded me of my dad's death when I was ten.  Now the month of October is even more sad.  I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in November. My me

DeeBear

DeeBear in Update

Feel soo Meh

I really feel BLAH. Things are mediocre, although on paper and in theory, everything is great. I have a good job, a great salary, and a loving husband and marriage. But my dad died in June and his service is at the end of Sept. We're preparing for it, so his death is frequently ever present. I have tried to just move on from it and live life as normal - as though everything is just fine. And it is, really. But I still feel meh. I am in this limbo spot at work where I am not doing the job I was h

RiverLight

RiverLight in Emotions

I Don't Want to be Human Anymore.

Five years later and I still like my physical therapist far more than I should. I've had romantic feelings towards her pretty much since I met her and nothing I do seems to help. I've tried distracting myself as well as repeatedly reminding myself that she's married (and that even if she wasn't it would be unethical for her to be in a relationship with me) but neither thing has helped much in the years I've harbored these feelings. I could and probably should switch to someone else but

DialAForAlan

DialAForAlan in vent

Sick

Hating myself a lot these days. Wish I can just die but I know I can’t. Feeling like everything sucks. I shouldn’t be pushing myself. I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be doing things for others all the time. I should be taking care of myself. I should take a break. I should go to the doctor when I’m sick. But everything feels so difficult to do. Expectations. Timelines. I’m getting older. Why is life so difficult. I feel like if I stop doing one thing, everything will fall apart, so I have to kee

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007 in Hi

No comments, not shocking.

Wrote a note to one who was important.  She was happy in life and glad i was there to help her through the worst and wished i would find peace.  I have grown enough to see.a goodbye when it shows so I will honor that as i do honestly hope she will be happy. I won't be but i will not let it known except here.  The last forum i write to.  The forum where we wish we could help others and on doing so redeem ourselves. I have helped a few i think.  That was good but not anything that will b

ArnoldJRimmer

ArnoldJRimmer in More random

×
×
  • Create New...