What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
It's nasty hot and humid outside so I am going from one air conditioned place to another. I'd love to go to a pool but there's only one public pool in this entire city of 245,000. Of course, it's packed. I decided to walk around the inside of the mall earlier today and was able to go for a complete half hour without stopping. I kept up a steady 3 MPH pace so that means I made about 1.5 miles. A few years ago, walking 1.5 miles was merely getting warmed up. Now, it's a major accomplishment.
I want to thank you for showing up in my life again. If there's been one constant in my adult life about you, it's your ability to show up after I've given up on you.
As you now know, my email address and phone number haven't changed in at least a decade. You've had the ability to contact me whenever you wanted, but you never wanted to, I guess.
I first saw who you truly are at age 18. You became distant when you no longer had to pay child support (thank you, again, for letting me know that on my 18th birthday) and when my brother was in another country with the army. You know it hurts an insecure, depressed teenager to feel like she's not good enough without her brother around.
And when I started college, you were all but gone. You stopped calling and wanting to see me. You complained to my brother, who was in Iraq, about hardships in your life, like feeling overworked at your sh*tty job and feeling lonely. You complained to him about me; you lied to him, saying that you've called and written to me but I was ignoring all of your attempts. You don't think my brother forwarded me all of your lies? He stuck up for me more than you ever did - even while serving in another country.
But I eventually gave you another chance.
Then, what?, you found your crazy pothead girlfriend? You disappeared completely at that point. Ran off and married her, right? Or was that the next woman? You missed my college graduation - the first person in our family to even go to college. Was it worth it? You missed my brother's wedding. Was it worth it?
And then your wife died, apparently. I only know that because your dad, my only grandfather, died shortly after. Of course I went to his funeral. Do you realize how anxious and terrified I was to go to my own grandfather's funeral because you would be there?
But I gave you another chance.
We met for dinner a couple times. For our last dinner - the last time I would see you or talk to you - you asked if you could bring a "special friend." You didn't end up bringing her, but you sure did vanish again pretty quickly after that.
I already knew you got married for the third time. I do see your family on Facebook. I guess I wasn't important enough - you chose to be in her life and not mine.
No, you only tried to contact me because you found out how weak I am these days. Your niece filled you in on my current struggle with depression. How pathetic. You do realize that the sense of worthlessness and inability to trust I've been feeling for so many years partly came from how you treated me for most of my life, right? You treated me like I'm dispensable, only wanted to connect with me when you didn't have a woman in your life, when you were depressed and lonely.
I've given you a few chances now, and you've betrayed me every time. Now you call and email and text me saying you're different now, things have changed. You apologized for letting the years go by and take all the fault. Why did you wait until I'm in a weak, depressive state to talk to me? Don't you realize how much that hurts? Don't you realize how vulnerable I am? Maybe you do. Maybe you realized that this might be the most effective time to guilt me into a relationship again with your sad voice and pleading words.
You see how I can't trust? You see how much I doubt your motives after more than a decade of this back and forth? Why should I let you back in? I'm trying not to let you make me feel bad for defending my feelings and mental health. No, you can wait until I'm ready, if I ever am. You can live with that self-doubt and pain of being rejected by your flesh and blood.
Just know that I'm doing great right now. I don't give a sh*t about the depression. I've been taking care of myself for a long time, I'm strong, and I will get through this like I always have. Because this isn't the first time. And it won't be the last. This is the time when I discover my strength and conviction and assertiveness, because I'm tired of being let down and tossed around like a rag doll. This is the time I let you and everyone else see that I am more than just capable of keeping my head above water, afraid of making waves. It's a shame, too, because I have a big heart and I enjoy spreading love and happiness around, but you might've used up your last chance to experience that - I haven't decided yet. But this time it's my decision.
Thank you for the push to assert myself. I couldn't have done it without you.
Sincerely, Your Daughter
Some days are better than others. These are my bad days. How do I survive these?
Better question: Why do I survive these?
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still fighting. I really do. I guess because there's one
person that I just can't bear to leave behind. I mean, I love my kids - love 'em to
hell and back - but I really feel like they are better off without me. They're adults
now, they're better off without me. If that one person ever said they didn't need me,
I'd probably be gone, tbh. Not 'hit the road Jack' but, 'Hey, Chester, howya been?'
A long time ago I remember being excited for the weekend as it meant fun activities, no responsibilities, no worries. oh how things have changed. I no longer look forward to weekend fun - I dread it.
Now the weekend is a time that I can hide away and avoid people. Turn off the phone - shut myself in. Close the curtains, stay up late, watch movies at home, sleep the day away...
My stomach turns to knots when I think about fun things I could be doing. Thoughts of dinner or drinks with friends stress me out.
At times when I'm not so anxious I make plans to do fun things. It seems like a good idea but as the time approaches I find myself making excuses of why not to go. Sometimes it's so bad I'll be in the parking lot, in front of some venue, sitting in my car mentally arguing with myself. I'll go next week, no one wants me there, I won't know what to say, I'll make a fool of myself, I'm here again alone... any excuse becomes plausible
I know my head is all messed up - I know this is not normal. I'm not like this: I'm the happy go lucky fun person everyone loves to be with - at least that's the wall I've hidden behind for many years.
I'm not sure what normal is anymore. Normal in my world is a cloud of confusion, doubt and second guessing - I'm positive that's not how normal people feel.
I can only hope that one day I will be normal again.
It's late 1.00a and here I am in my own little world. The TV is off, the fridge running - the only other thing I hear are the voices of my thoughts.
not in a super great place right now - I have been trying to find some eternal energy to jumpstart my life but day after day the tank is empty.
i know I could medicate myself with some drug of choice. It would be easy - this is what I've been doing all my life. I don't know why but for some reason I want to learn how to get thru these low spots without help. Exception are the AD drugs from my Dr.
I have recently accepted the fact that I suffer from anxiety. This anxiety is the driver for my depression. This was quite a revelation as I never really considered anxiety to be a problem - as I've lived with it as long as I can remember.
i have always considered myself relatively self aware - knowing how I am. I have discovered that the deeper level to this awareness is to look at why I am a certain way. I am now seeing that others have asked these questions and think (and feel) like me.
I am trying to leverage the knowledge of others to better understand myself.
I hope that if I can understand my internal conflicts and thought patterns that maybe I can become a cup 1/2 full kinda guy.
The negative is sucking the life out of me. I am starting to feel like a shell of a man - skin & bones with no soul. I want to cry but I don't have the passion for tears.
I can only hope for a better tomorrow.
Nobody's reading this crap. I don't blame them. It's pointless and a waste of time.
I was going to start a "JD4010 Improvement Journal". Talk about the things I want to/should do to improve my "situation". But the wind has died and my sails are hanging motionless now. I'm in the doldrums. Again.
First thing I want to do is lose this stupid weight I've gained. I was in such great shape as recently as 3 years ago. Lots of walking and watching my diet was what it took. I'm so out of shape now that regular walking takes real effort. I huff and puff even on a level surface. Therefore, I have to begin walking again. I can't really do it in the morning or doing work...I run very hot and sweat a lot (even when I was in great condition). I don't want to be sweaty and nasty all day. I'll have to go after work...walk around the neighborhood or hop on the bus and ride to the mall. I actually enjoy riding the bus.
But that's step 1: getting moving again. Forcing my lardy @ss out the door.
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going through the motions, that's for sure.
Lately it seems like every possible and conceivable issue or problem is coming at me at the same time. I feel like I can't get a moment's peace. How am I supposed to heal when things keep going wrong or getting uncomfortable or unmanageable? I'm not sure I can even properly put it all into words. Just a lot of heartache and disappointment. You know, like I finally start feeling comfortable being around my ex and his girlfriend when out of nowhere a friend dumps me for an immature reason; and my cousins wanted to take me out to lunch to catch up after years apart, and then ratted me out to my estranged father, who used the opportunity to ask me for another chance to be in my life after already having given him a lot of chances in the past. Sh*t like that.
I'm just so tired of being hurt or let down. I don't know how to stop it except by disconnecting completely, but that's pretty impossible. People are an unfortunate side effect of existing in this world.
My dad, for example. Everytime I've let him back in, he inevitably f*cks it up by vanishing again and hurting me. Again and again. Then he'll try to apologize, accept fault, and want to be let back in. But I'm too much of a sappy pushover and let the guilt and sadness get to me and I find myself agreeing to talk or meet up, which is the last thing I truly want. It's toxic and not good for my mental health, I know that. But I can't say no. I just can't. And now he's back, apologizing and guilting again, saying he's changed and it'll be different, and I just know that eventually I'll bend to his wishes.
I always let myself become the metaphorical punching bag for people. I absorb all their sh*t until they get what they want, and I'm left feeling broken and ashamed. There are only so many times I can put myself together again, and this year has been pummeling me day after day.
So, I don't know what to do. Or, I do, and I don't know how. All I want is a little peace and stability in my life. I don't know if this is all my fault or if it's the world ****ing me over or a little of both. I just know that I'm getting really ****ing tired of having to fix everything, including myself.
But, ya know, I'll keep doing what I always do...grin and bear it. Go through the motions. Be the strong, capable, intelligent woman that everyone thinks I am. When really, I'm a 30 year old child who wants to throw a temper tantrum and run away from home.
The booze sirens are continually calling to me. They promise me a wonderful time of bliss and good cheer.
Well, I know how it would turn out. But the temptation is always strong. "Just one more time" with those sirens, for old time's sake.
I know that they would take advantage of me and beat the hell out of me so I'd be sick for days. Same as it has happened countless times before.
Nope, I'm going to continue sailing right past them.
I'd like to post this on Facebook, but I feel like they won't understand. Like that song from Goo Goo Dolls, 'Iris' (I Just Want You to Know Who I Am)' :
'And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand;
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am...'
You guys will get this.
It's a screenshot of a tumblr post, it's missing the first two images, but I started where it's most important, at least to me.
It's been 6 months since I've been on here but I wanted to check in. I went to my last psychologist appointment in April. It helped a lot. I'm more comfortable with my emotions and dealing with them. And I'm open again to the idea of having friends. I kind of almost had one in the few weeks before the semester ended. It felt good. This next year, I want to see how close I can get to somebody when I'm putting in effort from the beginning.
Something else that makes me feel good, I found, is drawing fan art. Largely the DC character Tim Drake/Red Robin. If anybody's interested, I post it at https://omgiamwish.tumblr.com. I'm not always happy with the results (which come out interesting imo because I'm both a perfectionist and impatient), but it makes me feel like I'm being productive. And it's something that I can clearly see that the more I do, the better I get at it. Whenever something looks like crap to me, I remind myself that there's something about it that I've just done for the first time, and that it'll look better if there's a next time. And I just now realize that I wasn't thinking like that a year ago.
I don't know if I'll ever come back on this site again. Mostly because I don't know if I'll need to. I wanted you guys to know that my psychologist helped a lot. I'm not the best I probably could be, but I'm better. I wish you all the best.
Well it looks like we are on the last chapter, the book of my life is coming to a close as is me, no matter how hard i try it's just not in the cards, there is nothing left to try, i give, you win, do with me what you will, i figure the fires of hell are close at hand and i welcome you
I'm just getting into Season 9 of Supernatural, and it's getting tough. I identify with Castiel in so many ways it's freaky. I love the way Misha portrays him, I don't think he would be nearly as popular as a character if it was anyone else but Misha. Castiel just really loves humanity as a whole, and Dean and Sam in particular, but he really, manifestly does not 'get' humans. And that pretty much summarizes how I've felt most of my life. It makes me sound insane, and I regret that part of it, but it is the 'God's Honest Truth' to say in the lingo of the Midwestern US where I live.
Most of the time all I deal with is low level depression and anxiety, mostly present in the morning. I get through it because I have learned from experience that if I keep moving, I will move through it. Like swampland transitioning to rolling fields and solid ground. It's tough, and it sucks, and I feel quite a lot like Sisyphus - eternally rolling my boulder up the hill, only to start over at the bottom again every morning.
I've really needed something to help me, for nearly the last year now. Lately I have struggled with regular bouts of suicidal thoughts - and it has been tougher than usual to fight my way through them. I keep hanging on because I've seen up close what suicide does to those who are left behind - As Sherlock says, 'Your death isn't something that happens to you - it's something that happens to everyone else.' But there were more than a few times where I really sweated it out.
It's been all I can do to stay here in this life, and it's been that way for well over 30 years. The last decade or so, since I met my husband, I have been able to experience enjoyment, and been able to see the future as something to look forward to instead of something to endure. But for nearly the last year, that has been crumbling, and I am back to using all my energy to just stay here in this life, in this body, even though part of me is not sure why. Having the energy to live - to take care of this body, to take care of myself - feels like it is so far beyond me.
Anyway, I hate to end things on a somewhat open note, but I can't think of anything else to express. I really need to get back into counseling again - haven't been able to see my pscyhologist for at least 8 months now, and now that person is on indefinite leave, and I need to find someone else. It feels like Castiel having to find a new Dean and Sam.
I hope this hasn't discouraged you too much.
Well, I must be in some sort of anxiety phase, because I'm obsessing again. This time it's Misha Collins, as Castiel in the TV series Supernatural.
And here's Castiel, sigh:
Can you blame me? I mean, really? Misha is amazing! And he's been happily (and presumably faithfully) married for well over a decade. Now, I might be the crazy one here, but that is a plus in the sexy department to me - a huuuge plus! I also really love Sam Elliott, and one of the things I love is that he's been with the same woman so long - sigh. So my currently favorite actor is happily married, proud of his wife's accomplishments, and a great dad! Almost as great a dad as my husband. Wowza!
And Castiel - Castiel is amazing! I love Castiel, he needs to be in more episodes. I"m only most of the way through Season 8 of Supernatural right now. If Metatron keeled over right now, I would probably do a happy dance. I don't think Castiel would be nearly as amazing without Misha, TBH.
If anything ever happens to Misha, I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it. I remember growing up, I idolized and internalized Spock, played by Leonard Nimoy. I was so completely devastated when he died, it still makes me sob a little inside. And it took me 5 or 6 months to listen to Linkin Park again after Chester died - and they are one of my favorite groups. So now I've apparently decided to obsess over Misha and Castiel and Supernatural.
And now, for some odd reason, I'm afraid that Misha will just up and commit suicide. Is that crazy? I'm afraid that I will wake up one day and they will say on the news that Misha killed himself. It's happened before - look how shocked everyone was when Robin Williams killed himself.
Wow, that got dark quick. Surprise - not.
Anyway. There it is.
I know no one cares. Its obvious.
Everyone only cares about their own pain. I dont blame them.
I just dont look to anyone for love or comfort i no longer pretend ill ever get either one. The world is cold. Places like this one show me the truth no one online can ever see another as real. Same as real life.
The last two days have been tough. Again. Failing miserably at work and wanting to hole up somewhere and not come out again. Oh, and insomnia.
I know that I have it made (see previous entries). So that it makes the whole mess even worse. Why am I so damned unhappy. Yes, it's my "response" to external stimuli and I can change that. Supposedly. But I can't seem to make it happen.
I live a king compared to much of the rest of humanity. But I sit around feeling sorry for myself. That's despicable.
Don't worry, I deleted it. I hope that I don't hurt many people because of that overly misunderstood thread of mine.
Honestly, I don't really expect so much views about that entry. I mean, I'm only want to saying that, even though a little of my heart says that I want some people to see that and I wanted to encourage them in the way I tried to encourage myself. But vice versa, so many people were against my opinion and I should have very ashamed about it isn't it? Yes, I am ashamed lol. Well, why not?? I tried to encourage but I ended up hurting so many people, I am so sad and I was crying of course. A lot people thinks I am aggressive, maybe some of you think I challenge you?? But honestly no, I am not. I'm trying to voicing myself and saying 'don't give up' to people, even I know it's in wrong and insensitive way though. I guess, it just didn't work out.. :') But that's okay and like I said before, you can hate me and criticize me all you want and I am strong enough I guess.
I don't think I am wrong though, I still think that depression are not good and I wanted more people to encourage themselves for not giving up yet in their mental health condition. That's what I am trying to say and I will always trying to say that to many other people that is discouraged about themselves. Not online, but real life at least.
well.. don't expect so much from me though, I am only human and even though I am wrong in every aspect of this life, I am perfectly doing normal and OK. That's just the way it is! Yes, I am that kind of human that lack of self-intelligence and I seek for help and treatment. I know very well about my mental health condition and it drives me crazy, like lying to myself, etc. But at some point of my life I will going to be honest, and this is me. Look, I have hurt you because of it, isn't it?
Like I'm saying before, hate me if you wanna. I am not mad at all, I feel discouraged because some people mad of me and blocked me. But it's okay, I'm done crying though and I just found another aspect of life to learn!
Uh ... let's see, what do you learn from this lesson?
I think we need to respect people and their pace? Don't force people? Don't be such an insensitive person? So many lesson that could be learned from my foolish mistakes, I hope you could take a lesson too. Even it's just a little, I hope it does tick somewhere.
I have always known as a person who takes risks too much, some friends says that 'you don't think twice about it' or 'your actions has made....' like that. This kind of thing is perfectly normal to inhuman and unhealthy person like me, how many times did I scolded because I am a foolish, even for you too? I don't really know, so many. I was like some kind of Donald Trump isn't it? I know it. Hehe :^D So foolish like people say, very very foolish that I should have locked myself and feeling ashamed of all of my foolish decisions and actions in life. After all, everyone could be soft hearted and sensitive.
I hope that, you learned from my lesson. And I hope that my little voice has reached someone, even I deleted my entry and I got blocked many times. Now you can despise me and bully me.
Thank you so much for your support! I am happy for everything.
Feeling like I need to get this crushing weight of events and feelings off my shoulders, but not exactly feeling like I want to talk about any of it because it makes me feel petty and insecure.
These past couple weeks have been a steady decline into my dark pit of despair after a couple weeks of moderate okay-ness. I don't know why other than I'm cursed to feel miserable. Everytime I feel okay, I ricochet back into depression as my default position.
This weekend broke me apart in so many interpersonal ways...and this is where I start to feel petty and ridiculous.
Firstly, I have one person who is genuinely kind and seems accepting of me. We hang out occasionally, but he has much more of a life than I do. So I find myself clinging to him as a support a lot more than he would ever need of me. He's also not great at remote conversation, at least with me, so I end up feeling rejected and lonely just because of an absent text. Anyway, a bookstore up near his house has a sale at the beginning of every month. I told him I was going and he was interested in checking it out, too. I reminded him the night before and he lamented that he forgot and needed to be somewhere that morning. I told him I wouldn't be there until the afternoon anyway. And yet, when I passed by his house, his car was there. And that has bugged me ever since. I feel irrelevant and unwanted.
Secondly, my first ex-fiance got married this weekend, reminding me once again how unworthy and useless I am.
Thirdly, my second ex-fiance (ugh), who I still live with, went in for back surgery this morning. I've gotten passed the pure heartbreak and hatred over him presumably falling for another girl and dumping me for her. I truly have. Though I'm sure everyone must still believe that my depression is because of him, even though the break up was only the inciting incident. I am still hurt by him and his actions, but I really do still care for him and consider him a good friend, and he's been one of the only people to truly support me and listen to me during this depression. I don't know if that's because we still live together or because he feels bad, but he's pretty much the only person I can count on.
So, he went into surgery. Yesterday, he introduced me to his girlfriend. Mostly so that we could meet each other before his surgery since she will be around the house periodically to help take care of him. (He and I had talked about all this beforehand, him wanting to make sure I'd be okay with everything.) She seemed nervous about meeting me, so I tried to keep my cool and appear put together (I am 10 years older than her, so I have the maturity thing on my side). The first things she said we're, "it's nice to meet you. You're so pretty!" That was all so uncomfortable and awkward, but I'm trying to be more positive and not hold onto negativity, to move on from the break-up and not be a jealous, angry b*tch. Because I truly do love my ex and consider him a great friend.
Anyway, I've found myself wondering if it's even possible to befriend my ex's girlfriend. Am I that desperate? Apparently she is friends now with his ex-wife, something I became quite jealous of because that never seemed an option with me. To boot, both of them (the new girlfriend and the ex-wife) are apparently friends (at least on Facebook) with the only person in the world that I have to hang out with - my bookstore friend. What even is this weird incestuous area that I'm living in??
Everyone that I know in this weird little corner of Pennsylvania knows each other and are friends with each other, while I'm somehow on the outskirts of my life watching world's collide, and all of these people are able to find peace and love and happiness with each other while I'm laying in this pit completely alone.
My god I just want to feel needed and wanted and loved. I don't even care about a romantic relationship, I just wish there are people out there who think I'm a good and bad worthy enough person to care about me. What is so wrong with me that I can be disregarded or overlooked so easily?
I've been simultaneously fighting the urge to and trying to figure out how to reach out to my (bookstore) friend. Haven't seen him in a week or two and I'm feeling so desperately low. I have fun when I go to his house and I think I need that distraction. He's told me his door is always open and that he has my back, but I just have a hard time believing and trusting that when he can be so distant and uncommunicative sometimes. I don't know what I'm even doing or thinking anymore.
I was non-stop crying last night. I feel so pathetic. These things shouldn't cause me so much pain. I wish I knew how to peacefully exist with and without other people in my life.
I'm so lost. So very f***ing lost.
I'm the opposite of normal. I don't see that as a bad thing, necessarily. I don't get all patriotic and jingoistic about cheerleading the country's wars around the world. I don't center my life around sports. I can be very happy doing absolutely nothing. Etc.
Today is cloudy and cool outside, with a fairly stiff breeze. I love it. Most people hate it though--they want it to be hot and sunny. Me? I don't want to sweat and the breeze is keeping the mosquitoes off of me. For some reason, those damned biting, blood-sucking insects are really attracted to me. They will ignore everyone else but swarm me. I should hire myself out as a mosquito attractor at parties...just put me in a corner to keep the bugs away from everyone else.
Another death in the family. And I'm torn inside. It was sudden and unexpected. We knew he was sick but didn't know he was this close to the end. And now there are a lot of family issues that will never be resolved. I'm nervous, I'm tired... I haven't been sleeping well, and have been having lots of indigestion. I told my doc that I had lowered one of my meds, and that I had seen my suicidal ideation decline so I felt I was going in the right direction, but the anxiety... It's chickening me. And I'd bet it's the source of my indigestion. I've also been very fatigued, sleeping all day some days, but never feeling rested. I'm exhausted all day, every day, and yet I'm anxious, but on the higher dose, all I could do was think of suicide, and I was nervous anyway. I just wish I could disappear. I don't think that I'll never feel good again. I'll never be free from all of this. I'm scared. I'll never find happiness. My only escape from anhedonia is when I'm miserable, or asleep. I always wake up, though. Every morning, the sun has come up and I still feel like everything is black. Blacker than black. Like cave darkness. All day, every day, stumbling through cave darkness, falling down, getting up, falling down, getting up... I'm tired of dragging myself up again. I guess I'll just lay here a while and have panic attacks about whether or not to go to the funeral, and how to keep from dropping my marbles all over the place in front of all those people.
There is a place beyond tired, beyond sad, beyond nervous, beyond black, beyond hope. And I don't remember how to get out of here.
Finally got the truth from someone.
Most of my actions creep people out. Its one thing i always worried about but couldnt tell if i was doing it. Now i know and a lot of things in the past make sense.
People can forgive a lot but creepiness is too much. I guess i am much better off alone. I thought i was helping and showing that i cared but it was warped. I dont think i can trust myself to behave different. Its too late anyway. The important people all left. Even if they came back, theyd never trust me. Cant blame them. I think its time to let go.