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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 17 comments
    • 7,749 views
 

My Husband I Got Back Together And...

A LOT has happened in the last 2 months since I was last on here - a lot of crap happened, and my husband and I got back together when I was in a very vulnerable place in life. Back up - he had been abusive and we were on the verge of a divorce. Then I began a new job, which came with an inordinate amount of stress. My husband's father was in and out of the hospital during this time, and my husband called me, in tears, looking for support. So I supported him, despite the pending divorce. Th

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

loving someone intensely and how it can be a deterrent

I have found a soulmate in kell. He found me and loved me at my very worst. I have showed him progression since then, physical and mental ... and it all sounds very healthy.  Since now I have always faced depression by myself, and that is how I like it. Don't get me wrong, my parents have always been loving,, but I am one in three, the intensity that comes from a loving relationship with a person that mostly is affected by you and your actions, someone that you live with, sleep with .. Its

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Dilemna: sobriety, anxiety

My boyfriend is away for 10 days working. This is an opportunity for me to work on my own self development, which naturally spikes my anxiety. Looking introspectively i am not happy with how i look. I set up this plan to follow a 4 day fasting and all i can say is that i failed. Failure of any kind intensifies my depression. My thoughts are telling me that fasting won't be so great because of a decrease in metabolism but there is evidence against that.I ended up settling on a diet of only vegeta

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Hello

Bullied a lot as a child and also seem to be the target of being made fun of as an adult. Mom suffers from manic depression and stopped being my mother around 17 or 18 years old.             - missed helping me dress for first big job interview             - missed my wedding I suffer from serious depression which seem to really started when I was around 20 years old. Got married at 28 years old after many years of complete loneliness and am a father to 2 boys. Due

Blue Giant

Blue Giant

 

Leaving

I couldn't decide where to post this. Not everyone needs to see this. Dear Friends, When I found this site, I thought it was great.  I found others like myself who have lived with mental health problems & a hope to crawl out of that dark hole I found myself in so many days. Unfortunately, I am leaving Depression Forums. The time has come for me to what is out there. Another world.  (not in the literal sense, but in the wide world of the internet or perhaps another defeated sou

nojoy

nojoy

 

visit with therapist

What I really wanted to title this was Suicidal or homicidal. Why you might ask?  I met with the therapist yesterday & in talking about how I have been feeling frustrated & overwhelmed since the reduced dosage of zoloft.  I have gone from feeling empty emotionally to being frustrated, angry & overwhelmed.  She asked if I was suicidal.  I said no, She asked if I felt homicidal.  My response was if people don't leave me the H alone, then someone was going to get  slapped up side the he

nojoy

nojoy

 

I'm a *itch now

And I hate my family. And knowing how they are, I should be use to giving in & doing what they want. Herein lies the problems.  I was raised to be polite. (seems like i'm the only who was raised with manners. So when I make plans with someone, I follow through or if I can't for some reason I will let you know well before the appointed time & it will be a very good reason (like death or profuse bleeding.  My family doesn't seem to understand that they behavior of cancelling at the la

nojoy

nojoy

 

telling which version of the story is true.

As I said before (I think) I come here to write my thoughts and feelings, because the real life family would not think of looking here. So my great-niece texts me that she is taking college classes (again) & is doing well.   A few days later, my niece (her mother) sends a link to this girl's twitter & she has moved out of her boyfriend's place; she's going to model again (that's what she moved to CA 3 years ago to do) & she's pregnant & life is going to be wonderful. I

nojoy

nojoy

 

Insanity

Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I keep doing the same things over and over expecting things to be different, therefore I am insane.  I am kind to people. I am nice. I help when I can. I give my love to others.  I treat others as I want want to be treated.  I  am constantly bombarded by negative thoughts.  To the point where I am unable to do the simplest chore, waking to negative thoughts, replaying incidents that

nojoy

nojoy

 

Life... yeah... Life

I've been good lately, really. After a ridiculous amount of years, I've finally started taking medication that helps. Weirdly it's Zoloft; the doctor said he was pretty sure the new meds out these days would be more reliable than what they had me on when I was a teenager, 15 years ago. ****ing Zoloft, that's been around since then, I just never took it. I did a complete 180. From suicidal every minute of every day... kinda bad, real dark suicidal. As opposed to lighthearted suicidal, you kn

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

When Blue Turns to Gray

I'm still numb from the meeting I had with the boss and HR. Yep, they are going to force me to retire after 31 years. I should be thankful because they aren't firing me outright. The irony is that I've posted how badly I hate my job so many times here. What I hate the most is how it constantly brings me face to face with my shortcomings and failures. It rubs my face in them.  But I was making an uneasy peace with it when the bomb got dropped on me. I'm not sure where I can go from here

JD4010

JD4010

 

If this is what life has become ...

The title says it all. Fill in the blank with whatever words I choose? What words would I choose?  Every word I think of is a negative. So why bother?  All the positive self-talk in the world will not help me change my thinking.  My life has been nothing but negative experiences.  So how can I know what is positive?   I have "faked happy" my way through life.  No one would ever think that I was severely depressed.  I made the statement in a text to a family member that 'I did not

nojoy

nojoy

 

another bday to be forgotten

I wrote somewhere (in notebook, here or somewhere) that I ignored the 2 Ds birthday b/c they ignored mine since their grandmother died.  Because of that,  I actually got a bday card  & gift to restaurant that I got food poisoning at before.  So far the only [person who has acknowledge my bday is my niece & the psych doctor office annual bday greeting Today has been hard b/c of the constant tears, a reduction in zoloft, & something I cannot label b/c I don't know how to explain i

nojoy

nojoy

 

beyond belief that this present moment is my reality

My entries in this forum so far have been some of my worst. I faced some major trauma a couple of years ago coupled with major disappointment and i saw my personality change.  depression clouded my thought so heavily that i could not even hope for the life that i live now.  most days i still wake up and feel like that little girl i was two years ago. I am still monitored by medication which buggs me and scares me equally.  But for the first time since joining the forum I am able t

Soarsie18

Soarsie18

 

Let it go

Feelings of emptiness again. Sometimes I feel I just have no friends, maybe if I have a friend that I can talk to, things won't seem so bad. But then again being dependent on someone will cause hopes and disappointments so there's no way around it really. I know the theory I need to talk to some people, but I always end up hiding from society after trying to make just one conversation. I'm tired of myself and get tired of being around people so easily. Everyone only think of themselves, includin
 

Facts in the post information era

Along with the outbreak of Covid, there has been another virus spreading like wildfire. The virus of ignorance. In the U.S. there have traditionally been many anti-intellectual movements within history. Part of this is done by pitting science against religion but in the past even Angelican priests and monks contributed to science. We face cultural barriers to science and progress. This is problematic because people should make wise choices better for their health, safety and future. In

Evergreenforst4

Evergreenforst4

 

Controlling the anger

Someone recommended me a server for depressed people to chat, but I ended up having a horrible time being blamed and pointed fingers at how I’m a lousy mother who don’t know how to take care of myself much less my daughter. I can’t 100% blame that person since he suffered child abuse but I’m done with that place. I mean blaming me for not being honest with my therapist? I know that’s my damn problem but how does blaming me help me open up more. He knows nothing about what I’ve been through and y
 

A Favourite

Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever In my eyes in my words and in everything I do, nothing else but you - ever Always you, every thought I'll ever know Everywhere I go you'll be All the world is only you and me

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

My husband cheated on me

We had had at least 100 conversations about infidelity and cheating - at least and no joke! He KNEW full well that I had been cheated on several times in the past, causing me IMMENSE PAIN and MISTRUST of men. He promised me in those 100 conversations that he "is not wired to cheat", that it's "not in his DNA to cheat", that he "never thinks of other women", that he "doesn't think of other women sexually",  and he promised he would NEVER EVER cheat on me. He also had promised that IF there were E

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Preparation

I wish I have a place where I can let everything out. Where I don’t have to face any humans. Where people can understand me. Where I feel motivated to do something. Where there’s a reason to push myself. Because I can push myself, but I dunno why I should. Maybe I do. Turn back to god. Once a long time ago I thought I found god and left my depression behind. Then I lost him again somewhere and went back to the black hole. Then now I guess god is there if I call on him. That feeling of peace
 

The fight of my life

My husband is making separation and divorce SO much harder. It's the fight of my life. Thing is, I thought I had met "the one". I thought he was wonderful and amazing in the beginning. Then slowly, over time, the abuse started. It began in more subtle ways in the early stages. He was testing the waters, I know now. Then, just before we were to leave for the wedding and honeymoon, he exploded on me in an angry rage over a pair of pants I was to buy him. I knew then that I was in trouble, but it w

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Divorce

I am getting a divorce, sadly and unfortunately. My husband turned out to be an abusive narcissist. He is not the best man, and he is not who I thought he was. At first I thought he was the most incredible man i had ever met. He mirrored everything I had ever wanted in a man and partner. But, he has NPD, which is impossible to treat, and he has been on and off abusive towards me. I was in denial of the abuse for a very long time, but it finally all came to a head, and I couldn't take it anymore.

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

a bad start to a new year

2020 was an bit better than 2019.  Had minor depressed periods but nothing I couldn't handle.  Christmas wasn't too bad. I did learn that whatever I tell daughter 1, she runs to tell daughter 2.  A couple of weeks before I mentioned that her sister would have some nerve to come considering that I hadn't heard from her since Christmas  2019.  Christmas 2020, I asked if daughter 1 if daughter 2  was going to show up. That began the "you said she couldn't come". Nope that was not what I said'

nojoy

nojoy

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