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      A Reminder that we are a PG13 Site   12/09/2016

      Please keep in mind that NO content can be posted that is not PG13!  No sexual content and definitely not images which is not permitted in a post! We will delete it.  Not even memes or humorous images should be posted, if you want these forums to continue. NO IMAGES! If you want to post an image, post the URL pointing it to your gallery.  Again, Depressionforums.org is PG13!! Thank you~ ~Forum Admin  

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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
    • 8 comments
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Our community blogs

  1. Someone I know committed suicide this afternoon.

    I only barely knew him.  I saw him regularly when he came to my workplace as a customer. 

    He was a familiar fixture in my workplace. 

    Cranky, ornery, grumbling old man in his 70's. 

    But that cranky old man shared his monthly food box with us.....

    and donated many popular items we have available for customers to use...

    It might surprise some people in our community to know that he will be missed here. 

    HAND-REACHING-GRAFFITI-PINTEREST.jpg.61117d0619862634db21fbb2b9b5c4e2.jpg

    It always makes me pause, when I learn someone in my community has committed suicide.

    To me, it almost feels like I've lost a fellow soldier in the fight. 

    Another soul lost in the battle against the darkness.

    Another light snuffed out by despair and hopelessness.

    I feel like all I can do is remember, and keep fighting.

     

     

  2. I have a friend who i will be seeing soon, There is a lot i wish i could say to them, but i cant. I need it out of my head as its awkward enough allready. Im not entirely sure why im posting it, maybe i need perspective, i just wish i could tell them...

    Im anxious to be around you, you make me vunerable, theres things ive said to you that nobody else knows. For the first time in my life i opened up a little to another person. I trusted you too much, showed you the darkness i struggle with & seeing just under the surface of those depths of hell undoubtedly destroys any friendship i make. I once said to you that im hard to be friends with, i gave you the get out, run now or brace yourself for the storms & you told me you wouldn't run. Everything about you made me cling on to the hope and beauty of your wonderful soul, an energy i feel drawn to. I think you need to be reminded how special you are, thats why i like to tell you how much beauty i see inside you, knowing you has made me a better person, your friendship has breathed positivity back into my life & Im so thankful that we met.

    The thing is, it confuses me, im scared to be around you, that you end up disliking me. Even though we havent known each other that long, I told you that i liked you and you said you were worried about saying the wrong thing, there is no wrong thing, your feelings are your own & It actually kinda hurts me more that you dont respect me enough to be honest. You wont open up to me so i dont know how you feel about what i said, how i can make things right. Im not asking for anything, i just need you to be clear.

    Sometimes i feel that you behaved in a way that unintentionally fuels the way i feel. Im very observent, the little things you do but dont do with others & things you shouldnt say if you dont mean. I wonder if you unintentionally used me to make yourself feel better. I beg you, please dont play with my feelings, you have the potential to destroy me and break my heart, it frightens me. 

    I know i made things messy, but tell me if you ever felt the tiniest glint of that connection. I have no doubt in my mind you knew how i felt.

    You think i dont know you very well, tell me if im wrong, but i see you. I see how you distract yourself to ilieviate sadness. To keep busy to not feel stagnent or trapped. I see how strong you are to not give up. I know i have no right to say some of the things i do, I really hope you will still think of me as a friend.

    I see that you are vunerable like me, that you are scared to let people in. You dont want to be hurt again, who does. I cant even begin to imagine how that loss feels. I hear you say you dont communicate all that much, but is that because of the pattern your life has taken or because you believe your fully content in your own company. Humans are social creatures, we need comfort, intimacy, honesty. I know that healing is a difficult process, it takes an unmeasurable amount of time. I see you struggle with this. As your friend i want to tell you that you should know its ok to take your time. I know you feel scared that if you do let go, your letting go of everything.

    In the smallest moment, i observed how much, with your whole heart you were capable of loving someone. I see how much she made you who you are and how much you miss her. I see how a part of you thinks that because you experienced that incredible love, you should not ask to find it again. I know you feel guilt. I know you tell yourself you are happy, but are you truely?

    I also know that, if you someday found another person you felt for you would want to move on. I heard you say you'd worry that another person would be uncomfortable living in a shadow. I disagree. I think that if they dont understand how big a part of you she was then they dont get you.  

    I know that you doubt yourself, that you try to be a joker when your nervous. I know you worry about saying the wrong thing or hurting people. I see when there are things you wish to say but hold back & when people get too close your uncomfortable and pull away. I know you hate repitition, but sometimes your own behaviour patterns it. 

    I know you self sabotage or procrastinate because your scared. I know you ignore things because you dont want to deal with them or its easier not to have confrontation. Thats why im scared you will just give up on being friends with me.

    I want to ask if you see me, see how much i want you in my life & I want you to know how incredibly beautiful, patient and kind you are. I see how you care about the world, appreciate its beauty & its knowledge. I see how you dont buy into how technology and commercialism consume our lives. You are not materialistic because you know that its the deeper connections that matter. I wish that i was brave enough to tell you all this, but more so, i wish you would let me.

  3. ArnoldJRimmer
    Latest Entry

    A good bye letter to someone who held my heart - i post it because i dont have the strength to send it for real yet.

     

    "how do you write a letter that you dont want to write?

    i have to say some stuff but there is a balancing act in writing where i need to tell you all i feel but at the same time i dont want it to sound self pittying, whining or like im accusing you of anything.

    you are the hardest person to read that i ever met.  or maybe im just realy dumb..lol.

    i cant tell your feelings.  ive asked outright and you tell me what you can but actions and words make for a confusing mess.
    love me, hate me or dont care at all.... what is the truth?

        i dont think you hate me, you would have told me to go to hell long ago if that was the case i think.  
    ive told you how the one thing that kills me is silence but that is mostly what i get from you for the past year and a half.  call it space if you will, i couldnt do it to another person and it makes me feel worthless that you dont find value in us as friends anymore.
    i long for messages from you, just a hint of what is happening in your life so that i can feel like im an important to you.  I actually do care and wish i could be a part of your life though it doesnt seem to be what you care for.

    I dont know when the last time was you actually wrote me first.  its been forever...and the last few replies ive got from you for text messages:
    'haha'
    'fraid not'
    'ouch'
    'cute'
    i kinda wish you knew what it feels like to get those messages.  I'm stupidly grateful that you wrote at all....yet wanting to cry because the theme is there that you dont really want to talk at all.  i dont know if those replies represent you trying or if they are your hints to a super dense guy that he needs to give up.

    I wish things could be like they were when we first met.  before i let myself feel things i shouldnt have.  your friendship made me feel happy and i was proud that somehow i was friends with someone like you.  its too late for that i know.  you cant undo some things.

    anyway, i will always love you and i wish things had gone better.  i do blame myself and not you for any of this.  i hope the tone of this letter is understandable but im always worried it just sounds whining and annoying.  im sorry for all i did wrong, i should not have clung so hard but it is not possible to be other than i am.

    good bye K****, i hope the future gets bright for you and that one day you get your (dog you wish for).  that you find love and your life just shines.

    I hope you will think well of me someday.

  4. I have not said this often, if ever, in my life, but right now I feel like I am failing. I have always been successful at work... always, until now. I had a bad interview today. And about 15 failed interviews over the last year. Needless to say, I feel like a dumb*ass. I prepped for it thoroughly, but I was not prepared at all for how it really went. They asked questions I was not prepared for; they wanted to switch last minute to a video call; and they switched one of the interviewers up on me; not to mention, they just grilled me with their questions without giving me a chance to ask a single question myself. I didn't like how any of it went, and wonder, would I even want to work for this company?!?

    On my end, I should also be much more experienced than I am in my field, with seven years of so called expert experience under my belt. They humbled me today, by pointing out where I am not doing well. I want to cry. I know where my weaknesses are, but I am good at sounding like I know what I am doing and then I do it and actually succeed. I do lack experience in a few areas I should have experience in at this stage in my career, though, and I think that is partially what is holding me back from getting the next job.

    My career is so very important to me. Success is very important to me. I am normally very ambitious and reach for the stars. Today, I just feel knocked down by about 20 more notches. If only a company would just give me a chance again; my current company sucks, and I am very limited in my role. I cannot succeed in my job because my boss sucks and doesn't implement my strategies to make things better so I CAN succeed. She is a hindrance to my success. But I am a hindrance myself, too. It's not just her, it's me, too.

    I feel despondent, dejected, disappointed and down-spirited. I will rebound, as I always do, and fairly quickly, but right now, I worry about my career's future, my future and my success. I am worried.

  5. samadhiSheol
    Latest Entry

    It's where I always end up.

    It's one of the main reasons I feel i'm a loser. I have no prospects being the age I am. I have no interests and no drive for anything. I also suffer from a form of attention deficiency and I have no stamina for long term studying.  So no degree or diploma to speak of.

    I'm constantly dissatisfied.

    People are happy enough with my performance at work but it's become apparent they want to keep me where I am- in the dead-endness. It's mostly blue collar work and it's KIL LING ME. The tedium of it all. The lack of attention anything I say gets. 8-9 hours each day of your life 5 days a week on something you don't particularly like, just to keep you alive..FOR WHAT PURPOSE? There are no jobs available that would be in any way an advancement. Anyhow, now that I've past fifty, living where I live, I'm pretty much fuc ked. I  can be lucky I have a job in the first place.

    All my long term jobs have been the same.

    It's pretty much all I have though. I'm sure I'd ki ll myself if I lost the job. I've been one of the long-term unemployed once upon a time and no way am I going through that again.

    I'm so stuck I'm beginning to petrify.

  6. Wanderer42
    Latest Entry

    Vacation has been kinda nice. Certainly have experienced more social things than in my home country.

    My health problems are horrific by anyone else's standards. But by my standards, they're semi okay. I can't go out often. I just hope I can make the flight back home without problems. Gonna be very rough to fly in this condition. In my home country I can get a medicine that makes me slightly better, and then I will actually travel to a third country and get a medicine that hopefully will work very well and give me my health back. That is optimistic, but there's a chance.

  7. Hertz
    Latest Entry

    Today came to a new professional dead-end.
    After trying research and teaching, I can now add sound design.

    For those that don't know, sound design consists of designing the music and sound effects for film, video games and other media.

    I decided on my own that it was time to stop following this path.

    There were some red flags along the way. I could feel my psychic energy being drained. The absence of joy at my "accomplishments".

    On paper it's a cool job. It requires creativity. It's artistic. It's challenging. It was a way to turn my musical skills into some income.
    Also it's cooler in a conversation to say that you are a sound designer rather than working in a call centre.

    Now I'm 35. Is working in a call centre all there is for me?
    I have no projects. No goal. No way to challenge myself.
    Life seems pointless.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I haven't felt excitement in a long time.
    Everything brings disappointment after a while.
    Life is a dead end.
    Everything I acquire I lose.
    Life is about managing loss more than growth.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What is the point of life when even people with interesting lives like Philip Seymour Hoffman or Chris Cornell commit suicide?
    These people blossomed to their full professional extent, and ended up destroying themselves.

    Life is a trap.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Humans, despite their complexity, grow like mushrooms.
    My nephews are already 7 years old and I feel like they were born yesterday.
    The human brain is the most complex thing in the universe, yet it grows like a mushroom.
    One day we are going to be 50 billion people in this planet.

    How many human brains have come into existence so far? 100 billion some say.

    If the human brain is so complex, then what is the complexity of millions of brains connected through the internet and every other medium of communication?

    And yet the world is a mess.
    Is there an upper limit to complexity? Does it necessarily devolve into a mess after a certain threshold? Are we passed it?

    The brain has incredible plasticity. Is there a way to measure the plasticity of a society? It's ability to change, to adapt, to reform?

  8. Even the optimist find themselves having bad days/weeks. The hitaus concided with my leave and since my return back at work about 2.5 weeks ago, it has been madness. I wonder at times if I am experiencing a burn out from work. I find myself at a loss for words and yet feel so pent up with negative emotions, yearning for a release. For my long term sanity, I know I need an alternative plan because if I stay on too long, I might end up choosing the leave the sector totally. It is no wonder that the social services constantly face difficulties with retention. It is often an area that is being promised by governments but not accorded with sufficient funds for the people to carry out these promises. You end up with an over-taxed system trying to meet the increased promise. Over time, even people with the best of interest and the fiercest of passion find their flames put out because there isn't room to breathe. I am tired, physically and emotionally as I reach my 5th year mark in the sector, trying so hard to give and recieving nothing but complaints and "verbal abuse" from disgruntled clients because they disagree with the system. 

    With all the constant and rapid changes unfolding before my eyes, I wonder how long I can hold onto my sanity before I become disillusioned and traumatised by simply trying to do my job to bring social change in society. For a start, my concept of relationship and parenting have been challenged so violently over the years that I struggle to concieve the notion that I can avoid the circumstances and vices of the families I serve. 

    I am human and my capacity to give is limited. I know that if I am selfish enough to advocate for my own well-being and sanity, I need to find the courage to leave a comfort zone and to venture into another area of the sector - one that accords more predictability, less volatility and greater locus of control. The burning flames of passion to give, as it is so commonly described and prescribed by new graduates entering the sector, can be extinguished. Here I stand today, torn betwen remaining in my comfort zone and preserving my sanity.

  9. irah007
    Latest Entry

    Wanna cry but I can't. Wanna ask God for help but wasn't he the one who put me here in the first place, does he not have the power to control others to be kind or control their words n actions why must I continue to walk through all this pain why can't I ever do things that make me feel better why do people always hurt me when I am at my worst. 

    Why do I have to do this give me a reason why do I have to be patient to go through all this why must I endure all this, when will all this go away when can I be at peace I don't want to do this help me.

    I'm tired I'm so tired. Having no choice. That's the only reason. What's the good? Where's the silver lining? I can't see it. I want to cry but I can't. To be grateful is so hard it makes me hate myself for being so lousy at it. Forcing myself forever forcing myself to grit through all this. Today will end tomorrow will come always hoping for a better tomorrow but seems it's all the same. Still forcing myself.

    Best part of the day.. having money to buy dinner.. my boss falling sick n not comin to office.. my stupid n troublesome cat being so cute..

    Still forcing myself to be grateful. I can do this. I'm forced to do this. Crying through the day. But still I have to fight. 

  10. Well have my children back home where they belong. The injustice of it all still stings. Now it's just the final battle to be won then true restoration can begin. I'm finding it physically and mentally draining being this person everyone tells me to be... they all think they know best... I've discovered that there are very few people who know the inner me... less than I thought... it's amusing to find out the assumptions that have been made. 

    Disappointingly I also realise that they don't understand the silent pain of an autoimmune diseases.  I have Hashimotos... I have provided the resources etc but still I hear:

    "You need to do more...you'll feel better"

    "You need to eat less and exercise more and you'll lose weight"

    "Get off your fat arse and do something with your life"

    "It's a frame of mind thing... change your attitude and you'll feel better"

    "You need to (fill in the blank), do it for your children. 

    "Stop using it as an excuse"

    Its hurtful and cruel and very dismissive. Thank God for my online support groups and STTM... It helps to interact with people who have the disease and face the same daily challenges as myself.  

    Add anxiety and depression to the mix and... well yeah... 

    A skill I've learnt is just to nod and say mmmm and then just do what I planned to anyway. 

    Here's to a drama free week.

  11. How am i able to live tgrough this anymore? Im tired of being paranoid. I just cant deal with this.

    Its all a plan. Its a conspiracy.

    And its working.

    And im sure the fact that it is working brings a smile to the lips of multiples.

    I need it to stop. 

    I just need to stop.

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    Recent Entries

    After posting my blog here about foster care, I then started to get advertisements popping up on this same website encouraging me to become a foster parent. Unbelievable.

  12. Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    There

    The Quiet Rises,

    I hear the morning dew

    Glistening in the glow of dawn,

    As I Smell the Fragrance of Freedom;

    And I feel my way through the dark to a gift:

    No longer blind, I shall taste the fresh clean air of friendship.

     

     

     

     

  13. her name is Dee Dee.

    not her birth name but the name i knew her as when we met.  there was an immediate connection.

    i fell in love with her but lost her.  to what, i  dont know for sure.  something in her past or just the realization that some aging and disgusting person such as myself had any feelings for her was apparently enough to destroy a friendship and bury me in a wall of silence.

    i still dream of her but the dreams are filled with pain of the moment when i saw her and saw the fear in her eyes.  she was afraid to talk to me.  why?

     

    her past was a horror.  but she deserved love and happiness.   i did not deserve her love in return.  i did not deserve her friendship i do not deserve any happiness.

    i wish i could talk to her again, to beg forgiveness for the temerity of believing i could love such a lady without being punished for it.

    im so sorry deedee..

  14. I have all the time to sit and think these days.... and I just remind myself how alone I am in this world....how I just failed at everything
     
    I failed at friends
    I failed at romance
    I failed at making a family
    I failed at school
    I failed at a career
    I failed at keeping a job
    I am now failing to pay my bills
    I am failing to maintain my thoughts
    I am failing at fighting the depression
     
    as I sit here....alone with my racing thoughts....I realize I have even failed at putting myself out of  misery.
  15. samadhiSheol
    Latest Entry

    "Another hungover morning in the bottom of the Black Lagoon
    Purgatory disguised as a room with a view
    I used to be in heaven looking down... now I know the inferno from the inside
    And you can't see out them windows
    And smoke gets in your eyes
    And eyes just wanna cry cry cry cry cry cry cry...

    An obscene sprawling landscape of NOTHING
    And NOTHING is its middle name
    Meet you on the corner of Nothing and Nowhere... where in hell is that?
    So flat you can't see ten feet in front
    I want everything to disappear
    Give me an ISOLATION TANK, make a withdrawal from my BLOOD BANK

    Yeah, give me another stiff one... and make it a double
    I don't know when I've had enough
    But I've never had enough and I've never been bad enough
    I need it and I need it BAD
    And if it ain't bad it ain't worth having
    I ain't the most popular boy I know, that's common knowledge in this town
    I'm trying hard to D.I.Y. but everything is broken down

    GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH... You get what's coming to ya
    You get a stomach tumour
    You get a stake right through your heart

    I recognize thee Satan and I spit in thine face
    Whatever happened to the human race?
    What happened to the humanistic faith?
    What happens to human waste?
    I wanna get the hell out but there ain't much hope of that
    fallen into the abyss like a roach in a trap
    There ain't a hope in Hades... there ain't a hope in Hell
    There ain't a hope in Hades... there ain't a hope in HELL

    I don't need a mother no more
    I'd rather be an orphan or a son of a Biotch 
    Or a Barsteward son who's been dug up dead, worms in eye sockets, holes in my head
    Don't excavate if you ain't diggin for gold
    'Cos it's a long way up when you're six feet under
    Under a pile of human debris
    A life fulla LIES and and RUBBLE
    You wanna save yourself the trouble

    GORY GLORY HALLELUJAH... You get what's comin to ya
    You get a stomach tumour
    You get a stake right through your HEART
    It isn't very pretty what a town without pity can do

    Staring into a waste of space
    Bring on the MONOTONY, bring on the LOBOTOMY
    And make it a double, and make it a pact
    I've had more than I can stand - an hors d'oeuvre of maniac
    I've had more fun in an iron lung
    I'm cancelling my next birthday
    I'm gonna wait 'til the witching hour then watch my life come tumblin' down
    The moon's so full it's spilling over
    There ain't a hope in HADES... THERE AIN'T A HOPE IN HELL
    IT ISN'T VERY PRETTY WHAT A TOWN WITHOUT PITY CAN DO

    GLORY GORY HELLELUJAH... You get what's coming to ya
    You get a stake right through ya through ya
    You get a stake right through your HEART
    IT ISN'T VERY PRETTY WHAT A TOWN WITHOUT PITY CAN DO
    NO IT AIN'T VERY PRETTY WHAT A TOWN WITHOUT PITY CAN DO
    DESCEND... DESCEND
    DESCEND... DESCEND... DESCEND... DESCEND"

     

    Scraping Foetus off the wheel

    Descent into Hell

     

  16. teasips
    Latest Entry

    I went for a shopping stroll.
    As I was munching my McFillet, I noticed a man (40s) rocking back and forth on the bench with an elderly woman whom I presumed to be his mother.
    The man was eating a cone of ice-cream and he was poking his face with the other arm repetitively.It was so eeriely familiar.
    Back in 2005-2006 I was rocking myself like that too whenever I sat down.
    I think it was the side effects of the medication.
    It messed up the nerves in the head.An elderly man whom I presumed it's the father joined them and they left the bench.
    The father held his hand like how we would hold on to a child's.
    I wonder if he'd have any chance of a more independent lifestyle in near future.
    I felt so sad.

    I went to Ikea and was welcomed by a very jovial middle-aged Indian lady.
    Her smile and soothing voice delighted me immediately.
    Her approach was so friendly that I was prompted to ask about the membership program.
    She was so helpful that I signed up immediately.You know, back in my school days, I would have told you that my ambition is to be this and that, the usual stuff that defines the materialistic success, big salary, big car, big house etc.
    But now, I can tell you wholeheartedly that I want to be like that Ikea lady.
    Someone who is genuinely content and takes pride in her work.
    You can't fake that kind of serene joy.

    I used to tell people that my retirement ambition is to sell newspaper at night. (The Chinese press has evening papers which has a strong readership).
    The hours are short and flexible.
    It'd be a great way to earn side income while waiting for bedtime (this is a scenario for years later).
    Also, newspaper has a way of keeping me excited all the time.
    Friends would tease me, "You can do it right now! Why wait?"
    I'd just smile of course, as it's not financially viable now.
    That's why it's a 'retirement' plan.

    You see, if I can be selling newspaper in the evening, it would mean that I'd still have my health despite my old age.
    And I'd have enough money NOT to work full-time but just for 3 hours a day.
    It'd be a great way to **** time and I'd have something to look forward to everyday.
    More importantly, I would have matured to a point where I'm not even bothered should there be any acquaintances who might degrade and gossip maliciously just coz (American slang).
    I should be so proud if I can rise above and do that.

    Hence, it'd be a great personal success if I can do then when I'm old.

  17. I've been away a while, I've had some very dark times, but I'm back. 
    I have a new job and the summer break is fast approaching. I'm trying to be positive. 
    Still not on medication. Not sure if I should go back on them or not. 
    I'm drinking more, and smoking a little, but not a lot really. Not considering everything I've been through recently. I'm cutting down on both. 


    I miss my friends, we all live in different areas now so it's very rare I get to see any of them, but they do care and I should think about that more. 
    I have some "friends" at uni, but it's just not the same and I don't know where I stand with them at all. 
    It all feels so shallow. 
    I'm struggling to connect with people again, I just want to talk to someone and feel something. It's simple enough. Or should be. 

  18. I feel so overwhelmed I don't know where to start.. but, April was the month straight from hell.. March wasn't a peach either..

    Sometime in late march early April I had a doctors appointment.. I had some tests done.. then I received a call to come in and see 

    the doctor.. everything seemed fine at first until my radiology results came in.. something is wrong.. and I have to get surgery..

    normally I would go into more detail but, this is really personal to disclose on a public level... I just really need to vent.. 

    when the doctor told me I needed surgery I felt numb... I was able to ask a few questions.. but I felt like I was floating 

    looking down at myself.. I left the clinic and still could not believe this was happening.. I was referred to another clinic which

    would require me to wait until July to even get the process started.. I was devastated.. so I saw my primary care doctor

    who is a wonderful human being.. and she was able to get me an appointment that is coming up on monday..I am terrified

    but also glad I will be able to get the process started.. there was a bit of confusion as to where exactly I had to go but I resolved that today.

    taking things day by day.. sometimes I am okay.. other times I burst into tears.. I just hope I can make it through this.. 

  19. jeff70
    Latest Entry

    I can't shake the suicidal ideation today. It's hard to think of anything else. I haven't called the Veterans Crisis Line because I don't believe they can do anything right now except to initiate hospitalization, and I don't think that would be constructive. I'm going to try sleeping for a while.

  20. I try to enjoy spring and I want to be outside as much as possible during my free time. The only problem? He doesn't want to. Yesterday I asked him to go out with me and he refused because he had already walked home from work instead of driving the bus and this was enough "outside" for him. Plus he had too much more he wanted to do. How more individualistic could one be? We rarely go somewhere, we arent even together at home because he's either in computer, doing workout, learning the language or on his phone. I have tolerated it already for so long and now I feel how loneliness, argues, pressure and lack of any friends is bringing my depression back. I feel barely alive. I cannot take it for much longer. Today I feel like crying since waking up, it's really hard to enjoy my work or talk to collegues. I just feel like avoiding everyone to be alone in my sadness. Only this way I feel like healing at least a little bit.

    Oh I miss my dear old friend, his voice, jokes and warm hugs. Understanding one another even without words. We could both sit with our depressions, share the thoughts or just be...what a warm and comforting memory.

  21. Right now I feel so alone, I left to go to Minnesota to visit my sponsor and since I came back all my friends and people closest to me have been somewhat ignoring me. They have barely said 3 words to me. They act like I don't exist. It hurts so much because these individuals I opened up and put my walls down and now its like it doesn't matter. It reminded me of why I isolate myself, and stay away from others, because if I do then I can't get hurt. If I don't get hurt then I won't feel this way. I just don't know what to do especially now because my anxiety and paranoia has been getting worse, and with my sponsor 1,666 miles away from me its even harder to deal with everyday things.