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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  

I received a really negative work review

The review was all negatives and criticisms, with little mention of any positives, successful projects completed, or work well done. I had to take a medical leave when I first started, then had to return to a greatly modified position according to my doctor's note. It is my belief that they are now creating the documentation needed in order to fire me, and I said as much in my review meeting today with my boss and HR. Due to my "modified" position, I am doing menial work for a very high


RiverLight in Work

the truth i never spoke in detail

first off don't read if you trigger,  these details i have never spoken to a soul, not my docs, not my therapists, not even my wife, I've only ever generalized them and only to a select few,  i don't even know why i am doing it now, i guess i want to get it out before i die. i was always a shy timid person,    As a child at home i endured mental and physical abuse no child should ever go through, the back of his hand daily just because or the leather strap, i could be watching tv, my sister come


surfcaster in myl life

Getting there

I am a beautiful disaster, and I accept myself as such.  Someone mentioned that if we are negative, we should not force ourselves to be positive, n just accept it because when we stay negative long enough, one day naturally we want to be positive in our own way, and we will find that way ourselves. If we keep forcing ourselves to be positive, hating and comparing ourselves on why others have it easier than us to be happy, we will feel more upset on why we can’t be positive. So we don’t have

I Want To Be Okay

Terrible day.  I went to buy groceries and anxiety started kicking my ass.  By the time I got out of the store I felt like I was being electrocuted.  That same old feeling, like my body was vibrating uncontrollably.  I was so tired by the time I got home that I passed out on the couch and slept really hard.  Now, of course, I can't sleep.   I'm so tired of being broken.  I don't understand why it has to be this way.  I just want to be okay.  But I don't know how.


DeeBear in Update


Another person who has been in my life passed away while hiking. Yet another one gone. I've known so many people whose lives have been cut short, it's ridiculous. And so sad.   As far as how I am doing? Meh. I am definitely middle of the road these days. I am trying yet again to find a different job. My new-ish job is unsatisfactory, so I interviewed with a company and am waiting to hear back. It's been over a week, and I haven't been rejected nor have I been offered the job. It's frustrati

Self Reflection on My Life Long Depression

Today my youngest brother is in the hospital for who knows what that has effected his heart and breathing capacity. He is in a lot of pain. As soon as my mom told me heart I guess I did not hear anything else. I did not hear how she said she will tell whoever needs to know and that she would visit the hospital the next day. All I heard was Heart and she was going to visit him at the hospital. I am normally rational (I think) but I am protective of my youngest brother as him and I were always the

Random Thoughts

Anything on my mind. Sigh. Should I just type out all my negative thoughts. Should I type out about my day. Hate towards myself. Cos I hate my mother in law even though she is not all bad and she does have some good qualities but our relationship is just not there and our personalities crash. But she does take care of my daughter, who I think loves her more than me. I’m still not sure what I’m doing with my life. I still have strong cravings for coffee, which I’ve been trying to cut down since I

House of dreams

The house of broken dreams, Shattered glass and empty halls, echoed memories of screams, Promises made and promises broken, betrayel has now awoken. I walk down the path and what do I find? People who tolerate abuse they don't mind. Loving for all the wrong reasons, staying loyal in abusive seasons, defying all sound logic and enduring treason. The superficial is what makes the love official, what's on the outside determines whether will abide. The rest is moot, lov

just trying to vent

Mothers days has always been a stab in the heart kind of day. Im grateful for my mom but it just hurts that here i am in my 40s and Im not a mom and at this point never going to get to be one. its all i wanted in life. its the one thing i kept promising myself when i was fighting thru depression and suicidal thoughts, i told myself if i fight hard to get thru it all, it will happen for me. but i guess it was not in my cards. not sure what my cards even hold.  I try to be a good daughter at least

Feelings blog

I got dumped a few days ago and have been upset. I talked to the training coordinator of where I work out in hopes of a better bodybuilding program and checked out bodybuilding books from the library. I learned a lot from my exs mom. She was a vegan rocker lady who was obsessed with health and plant based stuff. She also worked at a library and helped me appreciate the value of reading. Just so mad and down in the dumps. People promise to stay and then bail. They are liars, actions spe

The Road Not Taken

Having a down day today.  I had trouble getting to sleep last night, and my dog woke me up early, so I was tired to begin with.  Then I started going through some of my things in that drawer full of memories.  I found some cards from my college girlfriend.  It hit me hard. I really did love her, but in the end she stopped loving me.  I found out later that she had been seeing someone behind my back.  She told me that she didn't meet him until we broke up, but a mutual friend claimed to have


DeeBear in Update

What it takes for life to thrive

I have been reading a lot of books lately and thinking about why some humans thrive and others are always sad. I have been a fragile, sad, mercurial person for much of my life but I always found joy in being creative. What I mean is that I was not born a particularly strong person but years of weightlifting, breaking boards with my hands, wrestling and fighting I honed myself into something that belies the docile nature I am. I began to do this as a form of self expression. It rep

4 Years Later and still have Depression and Realize I will for Life

Four years later. I am now 48. I have had my 3rd kidney transplant as my 2nd transplant stopped working after I ended up in the hospital with my ninth case of Pneumonia but this time had turned into Septic Shock. My blood pressure dropped too low and the kidney stopped working so back on Hemo Dialysis. But close to Christmas 2020 I got the call and had a successful transplant that was hard to find. In Canada they search your own Province first and only hard to match cases they will look across t

What makes a person good

It is about where we are going, not where we came from, Anybody can act nice and put their best foot forward when things are easy. It is in difficult times we find out what we are made of, true colors. I am confident that the people reading the blogs are strong character. We have spent our lives miserable and sad but we never chose to hurt others and one day we will be happy. Whether you believe it or not, my belief in it is so powerful that I will manifest this destiny and the de

what made me how i am

mental and physical abuse by my father from the time i was real young until i was older and began to fight back, bullied, beat up and pushed around in school and in the neighborhood until i again was older and began to fight back, drug abuse from like 17 yrs old to 27 yrs old, it was my only way of coping with living in hell, 20 yrs old 1st failed attempt, 25 yrs old 2nd failed attempt, anytime i was asked what i wanted for my future i replied i'll be dead before i'm 30 so nothing,  i had some y


surfcaster in myl life

I had to take medical leave from my new job

WOW - HUGE BUMMER happened only just three weeks into my new job. I became very overwhelmed by the stress involved in a very steep learning curve, and for being placed in a pressure cooker environment, that I began to have a breakdown again and had to take a month-long unpaid medical leave. I am still on leave, and I am trying to find ways to support myself financially during the time I am out, and I am pretty much out of luck.  My new pdoc added new medications, which haven't helped all to


RiverLight in Personal

I'm Still Me

I'm still me.  There's no pill that can fix that.  There's no counseling strategy that will change that.  I feel like I'm just running out the clock at this stage of my life.  Nothing to look forward to.  Just getting older and older until.... I've thought about going back to counseling, but I really don't see the point.  It's either they try to distract me from my problems, or they rip open old wounds and then move on like nothing happened.  At best counseling has been ineffectual, at


DeeBear in Update

What we can learn from bugs

Insects are a very simple form of life that is often looked down on, to be called an insect is to be deemed insignificant or worthless. When I traveled to Thailand while I was in the military to build school houses I met monks and got to see where they lived. They lived in a swampy area and one of the first things I noticed was that the bugs were not afraid of people and that these bugs were also very beautiful, colorful and exotic not like the common bugs I see. To me this always reso

Writing a song

I have this song I often sing when I am alone and I am turning it into piano. For me I like music because people can misunderstand words or not speak the same language. It is easier to communicate with music. For me music breaks the chains of depression. I hope to someday share my music.


I have been through the wringer. If it's not one issue or life crisis, there's been another, and it feels like I've gone through one bad experience only to enter another bad experience I have to then again escape from. For example, I was let go from my current company in July 2020 - they laid me off. I had had a difficult experience there. Then I was hired elsewhere, and that place turned into a nightmare, so badly then I ended up hospitalized and sick. Then my old company came back to me a


RiverLight in Life Issues

A Job Offer... Finally!

Last week, after months of many failed interviews and after months of sheer anguish, I finally received a great job offer with a new company and finally, I get to leave my toxic work environment! My CEO is reacting very poorly to the news and is behaving like an immature brat. He is not being professional, kind or respectful, so F him. I cannot wait to be out of there - what an awful place to work.  So, yeah, I am thrilled - not only that, but I also got a healthy and very generous raise in


RiverLight in Employment

Why I think Western culture is behind Eastern culture

In my University years one of the scholarly articles I came across was called "Men who strike and men who submit" This article explained the merits and effectiveness of a grappling martial art despite this style of fighting being looked down upon until it became fake in WWE.  I used to be in the military and did combatives training, we had to watch the first ultimate fighting series in which Hoyce Gracie defeated several men bigger and stronger than himself using Brazillian jujitsu.


Evergreenforst4 in Culture

It's a Mixed Bag Right Now

My husband and I have been back together since June, so 6-7 months. And we've been almost living together fully for the last 3 months. We are happy again and he has changed by 180 degrees. He is sweet, he is loving, he is generous, and he is kind. He is everything I ever wanted him to be towards me. Gone are all the yelling and the toxic elements of our relationship, that all stemmed from HIM. He is in individual therapy and we are also in couples therapy. So I am very happy to say that he has e


RiverLight in Emotions

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