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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 16 comments
    • 6,177 views
 

Same old self hatred :(

I’ll just write out my feelings cos I have so much self hatred right now. I woke up and spent an hour in bed and I hate myself. That old woman is awake thus reason I do not want to get up and yet I never go back to sleep cos I drank some coffee when I woke up then when she walks around the house I just go back into bed cos I hate her face. Someone told me to create positive thoughts and energy within myself but I find it so hard. As usual I’m avoiding her cos of how she is always so sensitive ab

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

how do i turn my heart off?

starting to spiral down. little things are sparking it. unfortunately everyone else's joy and happiness makes me sadder. new babies, new engagements...no matter how much i try not to think of it and dwell on, and try to be happy for them, its like a knife in my heart. how on earth will i ever get thru this and be ok with knowing what im missing? how on earth can i ever be happy with how things are? its impossible. I can't fully distract myself from the world around me having their life on track.

allalone6

allalone6

 

You Got Me

Im ready. You will finally get what you want. I can finally be meek. Submissive. You can rub the fact that you are the bread winner and i make so little and dont contribute financially in my nose as much as you want. Like a dog learning not to s hit in the house. Rub my face in it too. Im a dog. Because, lets face it. You are in control.  When i made more than you many years ago  i NEVER EVER tried to remind you constantly. There is obviously something wrong with me. Everyone show

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

I hate you

You finally pushed me over the edge. Never thought i would get this far. You finally did it. I officially hate you. I dont give a flying f      that your job is stressful and lives are at stake. It doesnt give you the right to treat me like s hit or invalidate me by being an elitist in the stress and feelings department. Oh you want to go there? How many diagnoses do you have? I can go there if you like.  Oh thats right. Im ungrateful. I forgot that i actually am a piece of s hit

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

stupid is as stupid does

Yep, that's me...stupid.  I felt like doing something. so I pulled out the Christmas recipes that I didn't fix for Christmas.  unfortunately I made the daughter who left favorite Christmas ham tartlets.  I should have know not to fix that but I already had everything ready.  just another stupid thing I've done .  Christmas was terrible. daughter #2 came in, handed me a flower and said here merry Christmas and not another word to me. This was the daughter who would talk all the time, the one

nojoy

nojoy

 

Uniformity...what is that?

No one is on the same page. Sometimes i think its a different book. Or even a whole different genre. I'm in the green section trying to figure out a text book in school, or a procedures manual in a corporate setting Both written in black and white, but only grey is practiced, the reading audience is all doing their own thing, authoring a new product. No wonder im failing every exam and performance review.  

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

today's thoughts 1/4/20

got up, ate toast for breakfast, cup of tea, smoked, went back to bed for 2 hours. repeated several times today (meaning every day I do this) unless I have an appt or the cats need food or litter.  had plans to bake some stuff that didn't get done before Christmas, but gave up because daughter #2 had always helped. which led to thoughts of how she treated me Christmas day, handed me a flower plant and said merry Christmas. not another word did she speak to me. I found out about her graduati

nojoy

nojoy

 

2020

Every year i tell myself that this is the year....this is the year that things will turn around. life will get better.  I stay hopeful for the first couple of months but then reality sinks in.   to think one new years eve night in my very early 20's, I checked into a hotel room with a shitload of alcohol, and pills and was ready to check out. I cried for hours, not sure how my body even produced that many tears. I got drunk, I popped pills, I begged and screamed out loud at no one.

allalone6

allalone6

 

new year not starting out well

The reason is the usual same reason which is my mil. She ran away n did not come back on new years days and everyone’s worried but i’m secretly hoping she’s dead. Yea i’m a terrible person. Turns out she’s still alive n slept at her other son’s place and we were never on good relations with her other son so that son did not inform anyone. Sigh. It’s sad my life revolves around her. How i’m so afraid of doing anything in this house cos i’m afraid of offending her which i did. i don’t want to be t
 

Zeit

Life..is meaningless. I am pointless. 2020. Nothing has changed. I want to be     Dead    

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

despondency in the real world

I'm feeling hopeless again. not as bad as before, thanks to the change in meds taking the edge off. Christmas, nothing went right. I felt that I messed up everything from the food to the gifts. the daughter that left because she couldn't stand my drama, came from Christmas. In the past, she helped with the baking (which didn't get done), prepping and cooking the food and the clean-up. She didn't say much to me except merry Christmas when she handed me the flowers. She told her sister a

nojoy

nojoy

 

Wait, I Have a Legit Excuse Now...

I have not been walking, since probably before my last blog post here.  My heel spur has really been affecting me, though the special shoe insoles I found OTC are helping. It does not look like I will get around to walking soon, though.  Idiot me dropped a crock pot lid on my big toenail.  Yeah. That was exactly as much fun as it sounds. I cussed so much I woke my 19 year old up before the crack of noon, LOL.  It hurts like Hades, but my doc appointment is not until Mon afternoon.

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

as a seasoned depressed person...i cant seem to help

my mom is getting worse. i dont know what im going to get when i pick up the phone to call or answer a call. her bad days are hard. she hate life, everyone, and she says some really nasty hurtful things. deep down i think she doesnt mean it, but part of me feels to blame for her unhappiness. the littlest thing set her off and somedays im scared to even pick up the phone. i get it that she is sad, but she lashes out when she is sad and i have a hard time dealing with it. she is mad a lot, more ma

allalone6

allalone6

 

Struggling

Struggling with suicidal thoughts. Body aching. Musculoskeletal pain. Insomnia. Flu that started yesterday. Trying different med combos without success.  

Hertz

Hertz

 

Futility and void

The meaning of (my) life or lack thereof. Every single answer seems to miss the point. Not that there really is answer to the "meaning of life".  NOTHING makes sense to me. Nothing seems real. Nothing speaks to me. Everything just begs for the additional question:"But Why????" The thing is, I need a reason. I need a why. Because without that, I might as well be dead. In fact I AM dead.  Life, just doesn't stand to any kind of scrutiny.  "So stop (over) thinking". Yo

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Petty Things

I bought some gifts for some friends online which will only arrive in second week of Jan. They are not close friends but they are nice people. Thought of bringing baby out to meet them. Got to get hubby n mil to agree first of course. Then the anxiety starts..afraid if they might already have the gift or if they are too busy to meet up and and it’d be my first time using the stroller as we never went to shopping malls before with baby n afraid if can’t find diaper room to change or baby becomes

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Cooking A Novel

Cooking A Novel The end is near. There's nothing to fear The final chapter draws to a close Its just a matter Of how the plot goes. Thickening as i type Your mess needs a wipe Instead stir it, stir away You dont listen to what I say. The pot is hot. And it burns as it cooks.  You eat with your fingers Not caring how it looks Because you enjoy to eat What was me, the meat No worries of rot As my spirit was caught You expect worship and laud Thinkin

Natasha1

Natasha1

 

Demons

I don’t know what I want. All I know is I hate myself. I hate myself for being so negative. I hate myself for being so tired of life. I hate myself for having no motivation. I hate myself for being an idiot. I hate myself for being alive. I hate myself for being afraid to love myself. I hate myself for seeing no purpose in life.  And with so much hatred inside me I go on to Google (my one n only Best Friend) “how to stop hating myself” and again mark manson is the first page that comes up s

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

The Man who Sucks Infinitely

Last night, I got into this endless loop of a thought process where I was forced to relive exactly how I lost my beloved (and now former) girlfriend. It all became crystal clear to me. My mind pinpointed the exact actions that led to her leaving me. Once these incidents were made painfully obvious in my mind, I relived them over and over and over again in agonizing detail. All night long.  I couldn't shut it off.  I feel like the lowest piece of sh*t that has ever existed. So I'm "happy" th

JD4010

JD4010

 

Morning Pages

Argued at 6am in the morning and left the house cos I was way too angry. Now I’m just feeling lost again. I’m so frustrated with everything that happened. Why can’t I talk to her normally. Why must everything be so fixed why must everything have a timing fixed to it with no flexibility. I hate myself I hate my life. It’s like for anything that is related to her, my feelings and emotions start bubbling and erupts like a volcano in 2 seconds. And while it’s erupting there’s a voice in my head sayi

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

God, redemption and everything

I stumbled upon god this morning. I was reading Kingsley Amis' "The Green Man" and though it is (and indeed all of the Amis -"senior" novels I have read are) pretty much about the inanities and shortcomings of us humans, there is also a sense of profound thought in the novels. Not too unlike Iris Murdock, actually. IMHO. But I digress. Anyhow, the protagonist is riddled with mysterious and ghostly apparitions throughout the novel and eventually he apparently meets god. It was the

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Engineered Empathy

Since it never hurts to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, it might be high time others were given an opportunity to walk in mine. More exactly, since it is usually me that goes a bit or a lot too far, it would only be fair and, let's not pretend, amusing to me if others were given the same encouragement So I'm going to host a party I do like a raucous party It is also my last ever day at work before the new venture on Wednesday so that makes two things in it for me About t

Gisele

Gisele

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