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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 16 comments
    • 5,855 views
 

A Letter To Myself

In these precious moments of clarity, I'm writing this for the days when I'm not clear. Firstly, be calm. Your obstacles are not as big as they seem, the fight that you need to fight is in your mind, the obstacles themselves are tiny. And you are worth more than it may feel, you spend all of your time focused on the things that need fixing, the things that go wrong, and all of the things that could, in part this is survival, but it is a warped perspective. It is not how others view you, or

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Morning Pages - Still trying

I don’t know what to do about my life. I’m in a messed up place. I don’t know how to get out. I hate myself so much. There is no reason to live.  I have no home right now. I’m separated from my child and might lose her. My mil is not helping as she threw me out of the house and now I’m sleeping at my parents but it’s not my home and I have nothing here. I’m too afraid to go back cos I cannot take her words. Yes she is old but why must I deal with her. She is not my Mother. She never have an

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

True North (?)

Just finished reading Mathias Enard's "Compass". Something on one of the last pages struck a chord: "The world needs intergration, diasporas. Europe is no longer my continent, so I can go back to it. Be part of the networks that intersect there, explore it as a stranger. Bring something to it. Give, in my return, and bring to light the gift of diversity." Reading this passage from the aforementioned book was a satori moment for me. It's ok to feel an outsider. It's ok to feel out

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Week of Wed, September 11th

Wed, Sept 11th   640am, 72F, .54miles/9 mins, hr 144 Thu, Sept 12th  skipped so far (a.m.) Fri, Sept 13th  630am, 68F,  .54miles/9 mins, hr 160 Sat, Sept 14th Sun, Sept 15th Mon, Sept 16th Tue, Sept 17th   Sept. 11th - my old family doc retired and I saw my new doc - a Physician's Assistant. She started me on a really low dosage of Effexor XR. I tried that yesterday after work. It didn't key me up, but I did miss my nightly dose of atarax, which made it im

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

What Strengths

This idea keeps circling my mind. The world is a reflection of your mind. It just seems to make sense. Yeah, you can be born with money and privilege, yeah you can be hit by illness. But money isn't happiness or accomplishment, money in large quantities is often more toxic than it's worth. Balance and growth are necessary, or happiness won't accompany it. Illness and injury... a lot of it is in the mind, a lot of it we can work through or around, and we all bare burdens, most of it is

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Rough one

Well, its been a rough couple days. Wish I could attribute it to something concrete, but the only think that has changed really is I went from 30mg of Prozac to 40mg 7 days ago. I had to go out of town for a work event yesterday and feel so out of it, heightened social anxiety, which is bad because I need to talk to all kinds of people for my job. I just don't know what to do with myself, back at the hotel now and am anxious about what to do. Also sort of depressed. I just don't feel like doing

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

 

Expectations

I am doing better. Really, I am.   But... I'm struggling too. It's not easy keeping my head above the water. I suppose I should be grateful that for now, I can at least do that.   I've got this fear of stagnation. I know how hard life is; I know how easy it is to lose everything. It's a matter of survival. My back is against a wall. Do or die. People looking at my life from a distance would think otherwise, but it's all balancing on a razors edge - I take risks

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

August

I know stacks about probability and likelihood. Or perhaps not really. But I should. I should because I have be schooled in it for years and years and … alright … maybe only in the context of thoroughbred racing from a husband who was then my boyfriend and not my boyfriend and then not anything until later when he was something again and then the most special something and still even now I hear all about likelihoods and how this can’t win and that one won’t ever and the one alongside is just an

Gisele

Gisele

 

Week of Wed, September 4th

Sorry for dropping the ball with this walking thing - I've been struggling quite a lot internally lately.  Wed Sept 4th  @700am - .54miles/10 minutes - nice and cool, about 68F, hr 136 Thu Sept 5th  @700am - .26 miles/5 minutes - 69F, hr 148 Fri Sept 6th  @710am - .54 miles/9 minutes - 68F, hr 160 Sat Sept 7th  @710am - .54 miles/9 minutes- 69F, hr 144 Sun Sept 8th missed  😕 Mon Sept 9th  missed 😕 Tue Sept 10th  @640am - .54 miles/10 minutes - 79F, hr 156

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Challenge

There is fire left in me. I'm working hard, on everything in my life. But it's not about those things. It's about the challenge, it's about the look that'll be in my eye when people look at me. When there is nothing but the truth of me; I feel I have looked like a coward for a while now, hiding from burdens too heavy to carry, and that worries me. I am trying to bathe myself in fire every day, to forge myself into who I know I can be. When you look in my eyes, I want there to be strength an

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

I'm Worried

I feel like I'm on the right path. I believe that I've made some enormous changes over the past couple of months. I even saw immediate changes in my life, and that's great. But there is much more that still needs work, and I'm worried if any time-frame is long enough. I worry if I have the strength to be who I need to be for any of this to matter... by that I mean that if I go back to old habits tomorrow, or fall back into old ways of thinking, those habits and thoughts lead to the life I h

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Weight

Its our 27th wedding anniversary today. Hard to believe sometimes. I was scared as shit to get married at 25. But I knew she was too good to let go for some more years of bachelorhood. We have endured some tough times, but all marriages do. It was only this year I confessed just how bad my depression and anxiety is. The Paxil did a nice job of masking that for many years. Now that I battle without a magic pill, confiding in my wife is critical. I did not want to at first, did not want to appear

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

 

Last night was a bust

I've been so weary as of late. I got home from work last night with every intention to go for a walk. Sat down in my recliner "for a minute" and Ziva the cat jumped into my lap. I woke with a start 90 minutes later and it was dark outside. No walk. Today I walked 4 blocks to a mailbox and back to send a letter to a friend in prison. I skipped work this afternoon and napped for an hour, again with Ziva. After that I was able to shove my carcass out the door and go for about a 1/2 mile walk.

JD4010

JD4010

 

How many false starts?

I have made so many false starts towards getting myself back into shape. To think, I was in such great condition only five years ago. Now I'm a sugar-addicted blob that sits in a recliner most of its "free time." At work, the same blob sits at a desk all day. Somewhere along the line, I developed an aversion to sweating. Part of that is from not wanting to stink at work. Part of it is that even walking a short distance has me huffing and puffing like a worn out steam locomotive. I'm also se

JD4010

JD4010

 

Dilemmas

Slowly starting to get back to things.  I'm really struggling right now with some issues, and trying to work up the courage to schedule myself for a new psychologist and psychiatrist.  It just never seem to happen. And I am realizing certain things/issues are/have been a hindrance in my life.  I am/have been approaching a choice/change, and I need to decide what I want to do.  That is difficult when I struggle with what I am struggling with.  I have had two choices (work related) before me
 

Week of Aug. 28th

You all have my apologies for my inconsistency and struggle the last couple weeks or so.... I feel like I let you guys down when I cannot get out and walk.  Sometimes it's all I can do just to wake up and breathe, you know?  Wed Aug 28th - .54 miles/9 minutes - hr 144 taken near end; 700am, @72F Thu Aug 29th - .54 miles/9 minutes - hr 148 taken near end; 630am, @74F  Fri Aug 30  missed - rainy before & after work Sat Aug 31 - missed - rainy, car show made things too crowd
 

Booze

Funny how alcohol became such a big part of my life without me really knowing it. It started way back when I was probably 11 or 12. I remember the way it made me feel, so good, so happy, so carefree. The first time I drank was when I stayed at a friends house and we found some wine. Drank so much I passed out and threw up, woke up with my head in the cat litter. Could have choked on my own vomit... survived that. Not that much later I chugged a bottle of vermouth at a friends house and passed ou

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

 

it's okay that I'm not okay

You know the idea that recovery isn't all uphill or a bed of roses? That's where I am today. I have been having frequent suicidal thoughts and that is scary. Yet I feel so alone and trying to keep that facade is so tiring when you are at work and it shows.  you feel that you can't do anything right and that is so demoralising You realised you are not only not appreciated at work, but you are faulted for taking on more than you should. I am tired and some days, I feel like giv

sirenZ

sirenZ

 

Nausea revisited

I am sure I have used this title before but who cares? Years back I read Sartre’s “Nausea” and was struck as to how someone could write verbatim exactly how I saw the world. I realized the emptiness and void of human existence at the age of 10 or so, an epiphany of sorts you could say. Later on in life I realized that I am second rate and that l will always feel disconnected and dissatisfied. Failing at everything I ever do didn’t help either. Neither did the chronic dissatisfacti

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Why?

I ask that a lot lately. When things seem to be good, and my mind is super worried or down... why? Its just this anchor, it wants to pull me down no matter what. I can find things to be happy about, but there it is, that force, that argues with me and tells me I'm not alright for some reason. Yes, I have been learning strategies to cope with this, but I guess it takes time, and some times I am better at it than others. Today seems to be another struggle. Friday I work from home, and I was lazy g

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

 

How Can I Be A Fan If I Never Watch It?

I struggle to feel 'attached' to my body, to my life.  Yet, I get overly attached to characters from TV/Cable shows.  Yeah, not messed up at all... Hey, we're all a little nuts, right?  Oh, it's just me?  Well, you're missing out, LOL.  I  am once again on self-imposed hiatus from Supernatural.  I am somewhere in Season 12 - my boys are interacting with the British Men Of Letters - and there is one horrible woman in their organization who, for me at least, ranks right up there with Dolores
 

Oscillations

Another day, but different. After having a decent feeling last night, all day today was riddled with anxiety and negativity. I was working from home today, and did not have a lot to do, so that probably added to it. Not sure why some days, some hours, are better or worse than others. I mean, what is going on in my brain? What are my neurons, electrical signals, and chemicals up to in my brain? I mean, thats what makes us who we are, right? Alter a neurotransmitter, or stimulate one part of the b

jeffreyd

jeffreyd

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