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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 17 comments
    • 7,411 views
 

The fight of my life

My husband is making separation and divorce SO much harder. It's the fight of my life. Thing is, I thought I had met "the one". I thought he was wonderful and amazing in the beginning. Then slowly, over time, the abuse started. It began in more subtle ways in the early stages. He was testing the waters, I know now. Then, just before we were to leave for the wedding and honeymoon, he exploded on me in an angry rage over a pair of pants I was to buy him. I knew then that I was in trouble, but it w

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Divorce

I am getting a divorce, sadly and unfortunately. My husband turned out to be an abusive narcissist. He is not the best man, and he is not who I thought he was. At first I thought he was the most incredible man i had ever met. He mirrored everything I had ever wanted in a man and partner. But, he has NPD, which is impossible to treat, and he has been on and off abusive towards me. I was in denial of the abuse for a very long time, but it finally all came to a head, and I couldn't take it anymore.

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

a bad start to a new year

2020 was an bit better than 2019.  Had minor depressed periods but nothing I couldn't handle.  Christmas wasn't too bad. I did learn that whatever I tell daughter 1, she runs to tell daughter 2.  A couple of weeks before I mentioned that her sister would have some nerve to come considering that I hadn't heard from her since Christmas  2019.  Christmas 2020, I asked if daughter 1 if daughter 2  was going to show up. That began the "you said she couldn't come". Nope that was not what I said'

nojoy

nojoy

 

TW: My Abusive Ex Fiance Passed Away

Trigger Warning: I am in shock and feel immense sadness. I just found out that my ex fiance had passed away in August. I happened to Google him this morning for some unknown reason and found his obituary. No cause of death was mentioned. He had tried to leave this earth once before. He had always had a very rough time of things and was very mentally unstable. He and I broke up, what, I think four years ago now? He also had a drug and alcohol addiction problem that he struggled with, but I suspec

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

Ministry - Angel

1990 or so. Two weeks of traveling with a female friend in Southern Europe, a Mediterranean Island. Seriously we were "just" friends but..  We sort of bonded there, in the space of two weeks, we were soul mates, intimate even. Magic in the air. We went to the movies and saw Disney's Pinoccio in a smoke-stained, run-down art-deco cinema.  We cried a bit, both of us  as we had seen it as kids as our first movie in the cinema. We talked so much. Laughed so much. We had way too much w

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Peter Gabriel - Family And The Fishing Net

It was only recently I realized why I liked this track so much.  I never really understood the lyrics, indeed this is my experience with a lot of songs I like.  But even back in the 80's this resonated: "Memories crash on tireless waves The lifeguards whom the winter saves"  It would appear I am a sucker for nostalgia. I. E. a fixation on a  past that never truly was.  I recall not so much any actual incidents from my past, but more my hopes, dreams and thoughts I (may

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Kraftwerk - Neon Lights

Very early 80's. I began experiencing first hand what life was really about.  You have to fend for yourself, at the very least learn to dodge when the s hit starts hitting the fan. Bullied at school. Realizing I wasn't really smart after all. I wasn't good at anything. In fact I pretty much sucked at everything at school. But not enough that anyone would have been concerned. Me? I was doing my best to avoid being bullied. Doing my best to just survive in classes of incomprehe

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

I could cancel Christmas by lying that I'm sick

It would be so easy to send a text to the family that there will be no Christmas dinner or exchange at my house because I'm sick.  Really I am sick....sick of trying to make everyone happy... sick of being taken advantage of... sick of making plans with one particular family member & always her forgetting those plans to hang out with her daughter or she 'forgot' we had plans or she fell asleep. I was being nice by having 2 separate dinners on Christmas Day so that my brother with copd 

nojoy

nojoy

 

And.... It's Here.

My seasonal holiday blahs were a little late this year.  I was - almost - excited about Christmas. For a while. Now it's back to my usual 'woops, where the hell did that fuckin' pothole to hell come from?!'.           All I can seem to think about is how I have failed my kids. And how I have basically wasted four lives - theirs and mine. I find myself wondering what I did to deserve being put here on this earth? And yes, that is meant to sound like a punishment - because th

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

being taken for granted

I let too many people in my life take me for granted.  More precisely i let my family do this.  I have no friends only acquaintances because I was always the person to go to when someone need help but when I needed them no one was around.  It is easy to have no friends because there is no expectations and no disappointment. Therapist asked why I let people take advantage of me. Because I was raised that it was my place in life to help others. And if I don't I feel guilt. Today my broth

nojoy

nojoy

 

and the holidays just keep getting worse as the day get closer

And the holidays just keep getting worse as Christmas approach.  I'm tired of people asking how are we doing Christmas. My older brother has crohn's & copd, my younger brother lost his 2nd wife in March from complications of H1N1,plus he has a new girlfriend. I have not seen the younger daughter since she nearly ran me down in the road nor has she responded to the email, text FB message from January I sent asking what she wanted to do with the 2 dressers & closet full of clothes & 7

nojoy

nojoy

 

Sheryl Crow - All I wanna do(is have some fun)

Must have been 1993 or 1994. I was sitting in a bar on a Friday evening  with a (girl) friend, we weren't an item or anything(though I believe at the time I secretly wanted to be an item with this Liz Taylor lookalike friend of mine but I digress). Suddenly she said:"I want that too", referring to the song playing on the bar soundsystem.     

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

same ol, different day

I feel like im just living this cycle of getting thru each day watching time go by. my life is pretty much half over and ive accomplished nothing, im not happy, im just putting on a smile. I know for a fact my parents hearts are broken because they arent grandparents, i know my dads heart is broken because he never got to walk his little girl down the isle.   My heart is broken because im not going to be able to be a mom.  All I wanted in life was to be a mom. I started back up on dating

allalone6

allalone6

 

Just A Thing or Two

A post around here mentioned cats, and my response mentioned the perks of being a cat slave.... So I thought I would re-introduce my master, Lily.  Actually, my youngest's master, I'm just the substitute-slave, LOL.  I generally refer to her as 'Princess FuzzyButt'.   The bookcase has since been moved, because cats.  Sometimes cats see a dog outside and freak the eff out and knock the bookcase over, and nearly kill one of my favorite plants. Because cats.  LOL.     So this i

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Barren

I can't help but feel like this website/community is barren. It seems like a lot of people create an account, post one question, and never come back to follow up with us. When I was with crazyboards.org (they kicked me out for giving too much information), the community was way more tight-knit and everyone knew each other. I feel like it's very clique-ish here and like I don't belong here at all. I don't feel like blogging about this is going to help either since no one commented on my last blog

mikl_pls

mikl_pls

 

Quit my job and don't know what to do now

TW: overdose     Sunday I quit my job that I had only had for 2 weeks at Walgreens. I was supposed to be a pharmacy tech, but they put me on the front and had me scheduled there through xmas. My pharmacy tech license was still on the office desk with junk piling on top of it. I knew it was going to be stressful, but I didn't know they were going to throw me into the lion's den with virtually no training. Everything on the cash register I learned, I learned on my own (through trial

mikl_pls

mikl_pls

 

the dreaded holidays

and so begins the hurt, disappointment, and hidden tears. Oldest child called about being id'ed buying a lottery ticket (she's 34) which led into what she was making for thanksgiving with her husband's family. I stopped doing dinner about 3 years ago when I was sick and haven't done it since. And what are 'we' doing for christmas or "are you even doing christmas this year" Don't know where that can from but I wish I could. It's bad enough that I feel guilty for not doing thanksgiving but the gui

nojoy

nojoy

 

Employment Upgrades and Missing DF

Hey, all... I doubt there is anyone to read this, but I'll write it anyway. It's always helped to have a place to express certain things around people who really 'get' the issues, instead of just 'mmm-hmm-ing' along.  I haven't been here since August 30 - I didn't intend it that way, of course.  But it's been good in a way, and painful, too in a way.  The good part is that I am now manager of where I am.  My previous boss retired, and I was given that spot in July.  I have had quite

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Katabasis

.. Is the mythical journey to and through the underworld.  That is where I am now.  Years back I voluntarily decided to make the journey and in true Dantean form, meet my Dead. It was out of necessity as my life didn't make any sense. It still doesn't, but now I am in sheol/gehanna/Hades/hell and I don't suppose it's suppose to until I have made my peace with my Dead. And retain what I have misplaced.  Churchill once said(might be apocryphal) : "If you are going through hell,

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Weathercock

I was meaning to post a blog about the magical headspace I sometimes enter. Not nearly as frequently as I would like!    I would have told you how wistful, but wonderful it was to pass a closed amusement park in the evening dusk, how the lights shone through all the barbershops, hairdressers, pubs, restaurants and antique shops along one of my “old haunts” of a time long gone by. And how lonely it also feels being immersed in magic because.. Instead I will tell you how watching the n

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Trying again

What you think, you become.  What you feel, you attract.  What you imagine, you create. -Buddha.  I won’t give up. Just grateful that I’m strong enough. I ask for strength, and god gave me difficulties to make me strong. He is a sly one. Take it or leave it. Choose my hard. What’s the point? There is no point. There has never been a point. And yet I keep trying to find it. The purpose of my life. 

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

Why

Why do I always end up back to this same old spot. This ridiculous voices that keep saying I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm so stupid. I don't want to live. I want to die. I hate everything. What's the point. There is no point. Why can't I just die. Life is so stupid. Is it because I stopped making effort to be grateful? Cos of my stress at work?  I hate being so lost and irritated and angry and depressed. I can't do anything. I can't do house chores, I can't work. I just freeze and stare

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

I wish I had the guts

I think about ending this pathetic existence all the time, well, often anyhow. I see a fcked up world and no way to make it any better. I sure as  hell can't. I am stuck in being my mediocre, impotent self. I hate myself. I hate the fact I can't LIVE. I am just existing, I can see nothing worth doing. I have never lived. I see nothing in this world as worth the effort. The thing is, I don't think I have ever wanted to do anything. I have no dreams or aspirations, no talen

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

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