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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 17 comments
    • 8,153 views
 

Calming myself down

I hate myself. Every. Single. Time. I want to die. What’s the point. There is no point. It’s crazy. I don’t know what else to write. There’s so much negativity in my head. Again. I don’t really wanna talk about what happened but Tommy (my imaginary friend who doesn’t exist in real life) keeps insisting that I let it out. So here goes.  Ok actually there’s nothing much to tell. We argued very badly with me shouting at mil even while carrying my daughter and I think that’s enough it’s not fai

Depressedgurl007

Depressedgurl007

 

feeling ok is not enough

I have given up on ever feeling good.  Maybe feeling ok is good enough.  I feel like something is missing.  What that something is I don't know.    

nojoy

nojoy

 

Self-forgiveness

Choosing to love myself means choosing not to hurt myself anymore.   I’ve got flaws and it’s time I accept my flaws.   I am a good person.   I might screw up sometimes.   Okay yeah, so I screw up sometimes.   Because we all screw up sometimes.   And yes, I have royal screw ups in my life.   And I’ve done some bad things.   And even if I remember what I did.  I can remember without holding a grudge to myself.  Because I’ve forgiven myself.  S
 

trigger alert

I have been doing better.  More on an even level, no feeling down. I'm doing what the therapist suggests, doing things in small steps, telling myself its ok if I don't get everything done. Every 2 weeks my niece & I go to lunch & stores (we really have to stop going to the craft/fabric stores & thrift shops) because except for going out to get cat food & cigarettes, I don'' walk out the door & if I do I would look to see anyone was around (neighbor or stranger). Until a

nojoy

nojoy

 

Appreciating other people

I previously blogged about being grateful in the past. I think it is also important to appreciate people such as law enforcement and nurses as well as teachers. Law enforcement has a difficult job and 4th of July is one of the hardest times of the year because crime goes up in summer and firework violations and disputes on top of criminals who may try to take advantage of the fact that police are busy. My girlfriend works as a nurse also during times when they are understaffed. This jo
 

Critical Race Theory

I recently heard about a critical race theorist named Robin DiAngelo and her story was she grew up poor and did not know any African Americans until she was in her 20s. When she goes to dinner with some friends of her friends she meets an African American couple and proceeds to beleaguer them and later on projects her flaws onto progressives while getting rich off of them. I think it needs to be said, that just like another woman named Rachel Dolezal, white women get rich off of African Ame
 

10 Ways to Stay Angry & Miserable

I like this video by Dr Christian Conte (recommended by a good friend) I found on YouTube, so just jotting down notes here for my own reminder, cos I really need to hear this every now and then. The video is quite fun to listen, so listen to it if anyone wants.   10 Ways to Stay Angry & Miserable!   1.     Assume that others are the problem.   2.     Assume that others need to change for you to find peace.   3.     Minimize your mistakes, and maximize everybody else's. 
 

today's visit with the therapist

So I talked to the therapist about the situation with the family meeting at a bar for dinner and how I feel about it.  She keeps reminding me that it is okay to tell people 'no' & feel guilty about it.  I have been dwelling on this for over a week, rehearsing what I really want to say about this plan & thinking about what they will say.  Let's just say that my brain is a merry-go-round that never stops  & the very few times that it does stop , it leaves me feeling anxious/guilty

nojoy

nojoy

 

Same old

It's the same old thoughts. I hate myself. I want to die. There's no point. Life sucks. I don't want to live.  How to live my life with all these negative thoughts in my head.  How to choose to be positive. How to choose to love myself. How to choose to forgive myself.  I keep making the same old stupid stupid mistakes over and over again.  I am tired of this life. Its such a horrible feeling to not be understood and not be listened to by the person whom I want to unders
 

Changing medicines

Met on Zoom with  the doctor who manages my meds.   she is concerned about my blood pressure being high.  I keep telling her that it will be high when I'm feeling anxious especially when dealing with people (yes, even on a  zoom meeting).  So she changed the anxiety med to clonidine which is a blood pressure medicine but is used off label (I think that's the correct terminology) for anxiety.  So we shall see how it goes. Something has been going thru my brain on/off for some time now.  I'm

nojoy

nojoy

 

Still ruminating about this morning

Earlier today, I was at Walmart.  Now I know my niece(technically she married my nephew)  & her mother shop there on Sunday mornings, so I go  after noon.   Not today,  I run into them.  If I had seen them sooner I would have gone the other way.  I have gotten to the point where I don't like to be around her.  She has a mouth but forgets to listen to her brain before speaking.  She knows the history I have with all of the narcs in my family.  (Still trying to figure out how I did not become

nojoy

nojoy

 

Thoughts running thru my brain lately

As the title says, I have had a couple of thoughts that have been running/racing thru my brain, awake, asleep. listening to my strange collection of music, the thoughts keep talking. One thought is that I have discovered that people always disappoint me.  Be it family or one of the few friends I got, I always get disappointed.  I know how I am treated by them but I still keep hoping that one day they will surprise me & actually acknowledge me or not just contact me when they need me.  I

nojoy

nojoy

 

Salvaging the marriage

My husband and I are trying again. He starts his individual therapy next week, and I am to give him a list of things to work on in therapy (he asked me for this list). It's interesting how this occurred. I had gone out with another man one night while my husband and I were still separated. This man kissed me goodnight and then left, and I burst into tears, thinking about my husband. Then I went to a concert without my husband for the first time, we ran into each other at the concert and said hel
 

Alone

I've waited for this three day weekend all week. Now that it's here i feel awful. No one to talk to. No friends. He's here but we're not having conversations. I'm tired of being the only one to try. I'm really at the end of my rope.

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

I got back with my first ex and reflections

Like a roller coaster. I decided I was happier with my first ex and we got back together However, after reflecting, I came to an interesting conclusion.. Sometimes being sad or being heart broken can be a good thing. What I mean is when people have all this pain and sorrow if they can transform it into art, passion and expression they can use their weakness as a strength. I guess we are in luck as in life there is never a shortage of jerks or disappointments, it is up to us to tak
 

Same old story

It's been nearly a year since i last posted. Im no longer at the department store. Things have not gotten any better at home. He's no longer an independent operator but he is still gone all week. I thought when he came home things might improve. Maybe he would value me as a partner. Instead nothing has changed. Except now he's involved with these online women who beg for gift cards. I told him they are scamming him. I dont know if he fully gets it.  He told me the other week that if I had just n

dondi2538

dondi2538

 

narcissism is it genetics or environment?

So I have been having this question running through my head lately.   I've been reading alot about narcissism  and looking at my own family, I have to wonder how the heck I survived living with so many  of them.  I'm not perfect & I realize that I may have a couple of the traits of a narcissist. I am surprised by how many of my family may be narcissistic.  I know my dad was diagnosed in 69/70 with depression.  My mother was a narcissist.  Both of my brothers have many traits of narcissi

nojoy

nojoy

 

I beat depression in 2016. I just hope it never returns.

Today in 2021, I sometimes feel those same patterns of depression returning now and then. Maybe it's a side effect of the pandemic and what everyone around the world has to deal with. But it's odd. Isolation (which is necessary at times these days) can contribute to making depression worse yet i feel a strange solace and comfort in isolation. These patterns may have some influence in making me feel those same patterns of depression I felt many years ago during my battles with depression that las

Ixeua

Ixeua

 

my mind keeps looping past events

Every day, every hour, every minute, my mind goes back to past events.  As the negative events outweigh the very few good events, the bad events are the one my mind automatically go to & continually loop through my conscious & subconscious  thoughts. it used to be that I could escape these thoughts by crocheting or listening to music or retreating into a make-believe world of my own creation but the thoughts keep finding me.  There is no escape from them. They insert their selves into wh

nojoy

nojoy

 

Reflections on gratitude

I got a new girlfriend yesterday but I had to delete all my apps. I was going through pictures of my ex and it made me think about the good times. I also remember when I was with that ex I was thinking about the ex before her and while I was with the first one I did not even like her at first. It seems to me that I do not appreciate people until they are gone from my life. It is quite sad and tragic. When I was single for a few weeks, I thought to myself if I just had a girl I would be
 

my own world

my own world was very good for me... until I let people in. Then it became another step closer to the dark hole of depression.  The only way I know to keep disappointment (a trigger for my depression) from occurring in my own world is to stop interacting with people I know.  Strangers treat me better than my family and friends.   A funny story about why I am back here writing my thoughts & feelings.  I figured out how to password protect a document.  Until I forgot what the password is.

nojoy

nojoy

 

Platypus and Echidna

So far so good for 2021. But kinda not really. It is good in the sense that it has not been bad but it also is a descent from the heady heights of what, in my own mind, I think of as the Year of the Platypus and that makes me a little sad. Or a lot sad. I don’t want to go back. I want the world to change and at a million miles an hour. It was ****ed, it was broken and I would smite all the shrill voices that yearn for the way it used to be. If only I had some free time and a wand.

Gisele

Gisele

 

My Husband I Got Back Together And...

A LOT has happened in the last 2 months since I was last on here - a lot of crap happened, and my husband and I got back together when I was in a very vulnerable place in life. Back up - he had been abusive and we were on the verge of a divorce. Then I began a new job, which came with an inordinate amount of stress. My husband's father was in and out of the hospital during this time, and my husband called me, in tears, looking for support. So I supported him, despite the pending divorce. Th

RiverLight

RiverLight

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