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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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A break from the mundane

I recently posted photos of the character Ruby from the TV series Supernatural. She's my idea of absolute beauty. Well, so is the character Ellie from the Supernatural episode "Trial and Error" that I watched last night. I paused the DVD for a long time to let my mind drink in her beauty. The actress is Danay Garcia, who is probably famous for all kinds of things...but I'd never seen nor heard of her before. I wish I was young, rich and handsome.

JD4010

JD4010

Alone and Losing My Grip

I am all alone in this world. I have no meaningful support, no deep friendships, no guidance. I am angry, hateful, regretful, and very depressed. Medication does not change the past, nothing does. I'm tired of the dumb platitudes: "Your thoughts become reality", "You're young blah blah". My 20s are nearly halfway over and I have not lived a day. I am largely inferior to others my age in every aspect imaginable. I am struggling to advance, I am fully aware of what I have lost and what I am likely to never gain. I am stupid, lost, weak, and a waste of space. I constantly think about ending my life, I see no value in myself or my existence. The longer this goes on, the more I realize that it won't end. It won't end unless I end it. I don't see a single convincing reason as to why I shouldn't put a full stop to this tale of failure, futility, mediocrity, idiocy, and fruitless endeavour.  

GhostInTheShellx

GhostInTheShellx

 

No Words.... No Wait, I Got Something

I really have no words this morning.  It's Friday.  I'm still working on reminding myself how blessed I am.  It's hard to feel blessed, though, when you've reduced your expenses as far as you can, given up all the stuff you used to enjoy, and you still can't pay all your bills or save up for future disasters. It doesn't feel like a blessing to not be able to buy & cook the type of food that would help my husband heal properly.  It doesn't feel like a blessing to choose between which necessities I need the most.  It doesn't feel like a blessing to not be able to even afford the gas to go to free places and events. TBH, none of that feels like a blessing.  And none of it is 'compensated' by telling myself I'm lucky to have such a great job.  And that's my hangup.  So here's Misha, being weird.          

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Barely There.....

Ever had one of those days when you wish you felt sick, or had a broken arm so you could have a legit reason to not go to work? Not because you want to stay home and goof off, but because you're just having a hard time 'adulting' that day?  Yeah, that's today for me.  I'm having trouble adulting today.  I feel like a car  with a faulty tie-rod end - the next bump or pothole could send my tire flying off into the blue yonder & leave me stranded. I really need to stop, put the car up, and fix it, replace that tie-rod end before it goes.  So why don't I?      

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

Long D*mn Day

It's gonna be a long d*mn day today.  Today is my late day, I won't get home until after 7pm.  I really need to remind myself I"m lucky.  I need to count my blessings; for me, it helps.  There is such a tendency to only see the negative, it's not deliberate, but it slips in when I'm not careful.  I feel like I'm teetering on an edge again; walking a tightrope no one else can see.  Last week was a little tough, but I"m lucky I was only subject to the by=blows of events, and not the actual focus of them. It makes me nervous, though; I wonder when it will be my turn to be the focus.  But I cannot think like that, I just can't.  I can't let that monster out of the bag. It serves no purpose except to trigger me; it doesn't help me prepare.  I know this is a little dark for my Cas & Misha blog, but I missed posting Misha yesterday. I have to say I love Jared Padelecki's Sam Winchester, but for different reasons.  Something about him reminds me of my son; sort of a gentle, quiet, intelligent, capable giant.   Sometimes, I feel like this one below when stuff happens; I just sort of pray this to God sometimes, forgive me, LOL. I have to laugh at some point or I'll go nutter.  I really do wonder at God sometimes.  His def of good and mine seem to be slightly different.       

20YearsandCounting

20YearsandCounting

 

In like Flynn (who is Flynn?)

Just a quick note before work. Anxiety group interview went well. It starts in October and will be 14 weeks of CBT and exposure therapy. Other details are scant. Doctor appointment at noon to discuss medication increase for the Cymbalta, 90mg to 120mg. I've been feeling better on the 90 after three weeks at that dosage. I actually feel like I've turned a corner...not feeling quite as crappy and crying less, so this is good news. A person at the support group said the tears were part of grieving the relationship; it felt nice to hear someone validate that.  Not much sleep last night which is typical because I'm going back to work today after a weeks vacation. One of the cats has settled beside me and would rather I stay home another day so I can pet him. Sorry dude, someone has to go to work to pay for your kibble. 

Pusheen

Pusheen

 

I am not strong

“I am not strong. Accept my weaknesses. Worry, suffer, and try to move forward anyway.” I wish I can remove all my bad habits. I try to create some good habits but sometimes even that turns out a mess. I actually feel my depression has improved a lot since I came here 8 years ago when I posted so much crap and embarrassing posts. I was 23 then, and now I’m 31. Time flies. The suffering I went through the past 8 years Swimming in the sea of depression, trying to find something to hang on to, especially the first few years after marriage, doing trials and errors and asking around for help and opinions while going through hell. Sometimes I feel I’m not moving and I’m not changing or improving at all but the people here encouraged me so much and tell me otherwise. And most importantly, I have accepted my character and personality (like how talking to people still scares me but I still do it when I have to), I have accepted what I can change and what I cannot, and also God has helped me through. But I still come here to let out my thoughts cos I don’t really have anyone else to talk to. And also to keep up my so-called gratitude journal.  So today, I am grateful and thankful that my Husband spent the whole yesterday at home with me, even though he mostly played with his phone while I did my work, which is lovely of him, instead of him going out with his friends.  Anyway, I need to fold and iron the laundry and sweep the floor. And I just realised lunch is on my own cos I’m on leave today so I really dunno what to do about it, so gotto give it some thought later.  I Googled how to stop procrastination and one of the ways WikiHow gave is: Give yourself a pep talk for motivation, which is what I’m doing right now 😅

nirah007

nirah007

 

Every day is like Sunday

Some nice cool weather after a spell of hot, humid, hazy August weather. Rain and a bit of respite from the heat. Hard to believe there's only 3 weeks left until September. Hard to believe it's nearly been a year since my relationship ended and this nightmare journey through depression and anxiety began.  Very little happened today. I napped most of the day, checked messages on this dating site I'm on. Cleaned the cats boxes. Depression group is tonight. Screening appointment for the anxiety group is tomorrow. I'm worried that I won't be considered anxious enough for the group! Unfortunately anxiety underlies pretty much everything I do.and how I cope (or don't cope) with the world. It is the reason for my avoidant personality disorder. It is the reason why I haven't progressed in my career, why I still live in the same apartment after 10 years, why I lost my relationship, why I feel uncomfortable in social situations, why I need to be liked, why I don' take risks. Anxiety is the alpha and the omega of my life right now and has been for years, a suffocating hideous monster dictating how I live my life.  

Pusheen

Pusheen

 

Productivity

Well, my angels, it's been a productive weekend - for me, anyway.  My style of productive, which would probably still be a vacay for some.  I got several chores done Saturday, one of which was cleaning the fridge.  Which I generally put off, because, you all know how exciting it is to clean the fridge. Maybe I should have waited until time for science experiments to be due, then passed off some of the contents to desperate students.  'Study of Penicillium in an enclosed, 38F environment'.  LOL.  Today, I got to visit my oldest and my granddaughter.  Yep, I'm that old.  She's a little corker, too. This last week was pretty eventful, and rather more full of drama than I would prefer.  But I survived.  Sometimes I think 'd*mm*t, I survived' and sometimes I go 'whew'. Not sure which one I was this week.  I haven't written at all on my Supernatural fanfiction all week, that's how it's been.  I just don't feel like me when I can't write. So anyway, here's my Misha, it's been a few days, heck since nearly last weekend apparently.  That last one was Misha in the movie 'Legends'.  Gonna have to see that.  😉     
 

I'm enjoying this plateau.

Everything is still holding steady for me.  I've been getting along great with B and our neighbors. We take walks around the neighborhood and sit on the porch for hours most evenings chatting. This has become one of my most pleasant and stress-free summers now that all the rotten dust has settled. I'm looking forward to fall coming soon. Neighbor has mentioned for certain that I'll be invited to her bridal shower next month and to they're wedding in October. It's so stupid, but I was getting anxious that I wouldn't be invited. I don't know why, but it was eating away at me. B's son is here this weekend and he is growing into such a well-mannered sweetheart of a young man. He's over the moon about the police badge I made him. We all watched Batman and The Avengers movies last night, he loves them. Today, he asked so nicely for "Mr. Wonka's chocolate factory," so we put the old one on since we watched the new one last week. Then he asked for the new one when it finished. This kid loves Wonka. 😂 He sings along with all the songs and tells when the kids aren't being nice. 😂 I just adore this kid. He is so smart and so silly; for how exhausting he can be (he IS 5 after all), he just warms my heart. Being able to be a part of his life and watch him grow up over the years has been such a gift. I also received my 5 year anniversary gift from work today. A big ole box with a plaque inside. I thought that's all it was, but the kid was playing with the box and found a ring sizer, which was weird. Turned out to also have a catalog in the box for me to pick a gift. After much anxiety trying to decide, I ended up picking a pair of sterling silver earrings. I cannot believe I'm still working for them after 5 years...I should've been laid off years ago after we were bought out. Anyway, I guess things are going pretty well right now. As long as everything keeps holding steady on this plateau, I think I'll be okay. I still have one MAJOR life stressor ahead of me, but I'm trying not to dwell too much on it. I'm still fragile, I know. And I don't think I'll ever be rid of this anxiety. But I think I'm managing fairly well for the time being.

velvetpuddles

velvetpuddles

 

Self-worth

“A psychiatrist once told me that anxiety and depression are linked to the deep-seated belief that one's self-worth is vulnerable, that it can be increased and decreased and even lost.  Those people, he told me, who generally feel that their self-worth in invulnerable are generally more immune to depression and anxiety if those do not have a biological origin.     Since I grew up being taught that my self-worth had to be constantly earned, tested and proven, I was definitely a person with a sense that my self-worth was extremely vulnerable to externals.  The psychiatrist told me that I was an absolutely unique, never to be repeated,irreplaceable person.  Never again in time, history or eternity would someone exactly like me exist and thatthat uniqueness was the foundation of my self-worth.       He compared this to the idea of being born into a royal family.  One is born a prince or princess.  It is not earned.  It is not something that can be lost or taken away.  No matter what one's successes or failures are in life, no matter one's misfortunes, no matter one's falls or frailties:  one can never lose one's royalty.  He said self-worth is like that.  It is based on one's being not on doing and having.  It is invulnerable.  So I have gradually begun to see my procrastination in different terms.  I have taken my self-worth out of the equation.  My self-worth in invulnerable.” Quoting @Epictetus cos its beautiful and I’d be coming back to re-read this again when I feel worthless. Thank u for sharing your psychiatrist’s words.

nirah007

nirah007

 

Lies. My life on the internet.

So I'm not going to sugarcoat it, I used to lie on the internet a lot. It was the late 90s-early 00s and chat rooms were still in vogue, and I feel like everyone stretched the truth a little to make themselves feel better. I was no different. I was about 13-14 when everything started. I wasn't crazy close with my friends outside of school, so chat was my support group, whether I knew I needed it at the time, I certainly do now. But I was unhappy. Unhappy with my looks, unhappy with my personality and sense of humor, unhappy with my age, with my grades, everything. But that's normal teenager stuff. I don't feel like anyone was truly happy, whether they pretended like it, at all. In chat, I all my lies just made me a guy everyone wanted to know. Old-school internet relationships, 'cool' friends, and the general acceptance that my opinion on everything was important. It was great...in the moment. So I kept the lie going for years. I told people I had an ideal life, but it was all pretend. I had a wife, a kid, everything I wanted at a young age. I was working a job that I loved. None of it was true, though. Life was pretty much terrible outside of weekends six months a year when I got to see my 'real' friends. But when the chat room trend tied out and I moved on to other facets of the internet, my lies continued, to a lesser degree. Because I couldn't admit that I was lying to people that I was still around from chat, I kept up most of the facade. It wasn't as bad as before, but the remnants of my past persona were still there. I still told people I had the wife and kid and job, and I always represented myself as a great guy. I wasn't, at all. And this went on for almost 11 years. It was my thing, everything traced back to a lie that a kid told and couldn't admit that he was a terrible person. A couple years ago, I got kinda close with a friend on the internet. Not close in a sense where we're ever going to meet or anything, but we talked often. He was a sad guy, but I always tried to be optimistic with him. "You'll get everything you want some day. I did." But everything he was saying to me were basically my exact same thoughts, I was just not ready to face that my facade wasn't real. It's almost like he knew the real me and was just kinda letting me play my role as someone with their together. But everything changed last year. In April, I found a community that really only had one rule, "Don't lie to me." So I stopped lying, about almost everything. I'd lie about how I felt on a giving day, most of us do. It's like putting on that fake/happy face when you're talking to someone and work, but nothing else. My real life was finally being revealed, and for a few months, everything was great. My online life and my real life were finally lining up. And then, my real life friends all ghosted me. All of them. Like, without warning, they were gone. I can look back and see that I wasn't the type of person worth being around when you're starting a family, but maybe that's just the depression/lack of confidence talking. But I didn't feel good about myself, and even hiding it through alcohol, I don't know that people didn't see it, anyway. So back to online, everything is going great. I'm a little bitter that my friends were gone, but I had a new support system. People I talked to every day. People that I didn't make up stories about my life to. People I was comfortable to be around. That was, until I realized that I was 100% not okay. I was playing online poker with some of those friends, and someone said, "I have a full time job, I can't be around all damn day." And it struck me. I needed that place so much, and I started thinking to myself that I had nothing if I lost it. And that's when the anxiety started. And by nothing, I don't mean literally nothing. In the meantime, I had bought a house and a car, and got a job that I liked. But I didn't have anyone. Even when I was hanging out people on the weekend, I didn't have that 'go-to' friend that I could text at a moments notice and make plans for that night with.   So a couple weeks later, I'm back to playing poker, and I'm not in a hand, just sitting there watching the screen. And I notice, I'm not breathing. Like, I'm holding my breath at a completely worthless hand that had no real baring on the game. And I realized, something was up with this. Not enough to look into it, I just basically avoided poker unless I had my mind completely wrapped up in something else. So fast forward a few weeks, and I met a woman in chat. She was...something. Like, maybe I'm idealizing, but she was everything I was looking for. I mean, everything, like she was built in a lab. Attractive, the right age, down to earth, funny, whip smart, not afraid to have a dirty mind, and we just clicked. We'd have the exact same thoughts at the same time, and as of yesterday, we're still like that. She was it. I was mesmorized. I didn't think people like that existed. Right when we started talking, she said, "I've got your number," and I'm not sure she didn't from the very beginning. She was inside my head. So we spent New Year's talking, and I got a phone call. Actually, let me digress for a moment, I'm leaving out a lot of my real life here, so let's backtrack. I had been in a relationship for a while that ended pretty badly. We were living together, and I decided she was 'the one' She wasn't. She was still about a lifestyle that I was trying to leave behind. But in that time, and quite a bit before that, I had feelings for someone else. I don't know that I even realized them until recently, but the other girl, let's call her 'C'. I was always the best possible version of myself with C. She looked at me in a way that nobody else did, and it felt good. So anyway, C called me on New Year's and said... "I love you. We're getting together on Friday. I'll let the crew know." I was...happy. But I was also...I don't know. I found someone who seemed to get *me* and while they weren't from around me, I had to make a choice. But Friday came and went without a call. And I gave up on being happy. I didn't try to contact her about it. I just let it go. But I feel like it kinda finally 'broke' me. So a couple months later, I had still been talking to the online woman daily and nothing had really changed with our rapport. It felt *real* finally. It felt like something that I could want in life, and maybe even had a chance to get. But with C, and my ex in the back of my mind, I was refusing to fully commit to it. I don't know that I was ready for it, anyway, in hindsight. I'm still not sure I am. So one Saturday in April, I was overthinking things, and while we talked everyday, I was still trying to push the online girl away. And one day she let me. I accused her of being with someone else online and she said she really was. And I broke. It was my first panic attack ever that wasn't aided by alcohol. She said, "Nothing changes with us" and I wrote it off as just someone says. It felt worse than a breakup. This was someone I spoke to everyday, and I had successfully pushed her away. Or maybe there was nothing there at all, and I just wanted there to be. We were never defined. I just th...I don't know. So queue the rest of the weekend and really, nothing changed. We did our weekly routines, still talked daily and it almost seemed like she was just trying to give me a wake up call or take the pressure off or something. I don't know. But I got a message from another friend saying he liked her, too, and the guy she was with was bad news. He provided 'proof' even, but I kept saying, 'I just want her to be happy.' But...with him and another friend talking to me about it, I was able to vent out everything that I felt for her in a 'group chat.' The group chat lasted about two weeks, before something happened, but it was great. I went through spurts. I'd idealize everything, and then I'd doubt everything. It was legit back and forth between that every day. Until one day, I decided I wanted to be happy again, too. And again, I'm not ready for that, I know that now. But one of the people in the chat talked about how bad of guy her 'boyfriend' was all the time. But he'd never use a name. It was always 'he' or 'that mother******'. And I started reading into it more, and thought, in my messed up state, he could be talking about me. I had finally decided that I wanted to be happy, and then I was convinced everyone was against me in the flick of a switch. I went on a rant about everything I had ever said wrong to the online girl, and said I might as well be the other guy (The two in chat constantly told me that I'm not him, but I didn't believe them) when one of them said... "You're worse." I believed her when she said it. It was always a thought it my head and it was just repeated to me. My heart dropped. And I said goodbye to them and disabled everything on the internet with my name attached. So with nobody left, I reached out to my friends again. One of them kept inviting me out to bars and stuff, but this time, unlike the past, I was not going to turn to alcohol to cope. I didn't trust myself. So I balked. The other friends...didn't care. I don't know that I ever expressed how bad I was doing, but they never even checked. So in response, while I never had a suicidal thought, I wasn't sure that it wouldn't come up. I stopped cooking and even removed all the knives from my house. Nothing was right. I wasn't eating, I started oversleeping, I just didn't want to be here. It all felt like a bad dream.   So I called a friend from out of town. I was close with them in the mid 00s, but they moved out of town to be closer to his family. He and his wife probably saved me. They both took time off of work and basically moved up here to stay with me until I got straightened out. I didn't feel alone anymore as I made my transition to a basically internet-free life. But that, like everything else, had to come to an end. They had to go back home, and talking on the phone to someone who couldn't help me at a moments notice wasn't enough. So a couple weeks before they left, I swallowed my pride and started to integrate back into the community I had left in shame. And strangely enough...everyone accepted me. Nobody blamed me for leaving, nobody villified me, even though I felt I deserved it. I had made promises that I was never leaving. I broke the promises. Nobody seemed to care. And to me, that didn't *feel* right. But I trucked through, my anxiety was constant every time I was there. I wasn't sad, it felt like home, but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was reading into *EVERYTHING*. I'd check numbers to see if they had a significance. I'd search names to see if I had done something incredibly wrong in real life and mentally blocked it. I made connections with people and timelines that shouldn't add up, but somehow did. Everything was off. I still couldn't turn off my brain. In the midst of all of this, one of the friends from the group chat reached out. He said, "I need to come back completely or not at all. We care about you, and want you here, but if it's not fully, it's not going to work." I wasn't ready to fully come back, so I ran from it again. My friends were leaving town in a few weeks, and I didn't know how I'd take being alone. So I finally decided I needed help. I went to the GP for the first time in fifteen years, I got put on ADs for the first time in that amount of time, and finally relented to trying therapy again. But I felt okay in my time away. People even checked on me, and it felt good. So I decided that I'd just have to deal with the anxiety and come back to the chat. I took it slow, even saying, "I don't want to be friends with anyone, anymore." to my 'support system' because I don't want to let anyone down. But I made it through a week without much issue, my anxiety waned a bit and I started feeling more comfortable as part of the group. So I reached back out to the support guy, and he reassured me that it was okay to take it slow. And that's exactly what I've done, since then. I'm pretty much talking to everyone again, and even trying to be friends. I don't know that I fully trust anyone, but with time, I guess it's possible that I will, again. That brings me to this...after all of this...am I worth being forgiven? I've lied. I've been a bad guy, and despite everyone saying I wasn't, I still feel like I have. Do I deserve redemption? Can I really ask for forgiveness? Or have I just gone too far and there's nothing left? These people say that they genuinely care about me. But they've never met me. This is almost 20 years of lies and depression and lack of self confidence is not an excuse. I wasn't a good person, and when it felt like I was finally changing into what i wanted to be, I got pushed off the ledge. And I *felt* like I deserved it. So much shame. So much hate for myself and who I let myself become.  

TheSandman

TheSandman

 

I hate summer

Most people love summer. All of that wonderful outdoor recreation! And they look good doing it, too! Summer is nothing but misery for me. It means itching (from bug bites and foot fungus) and sweat. Constantly. I don't look good at all in summer attire either. I can't wait for all of this heat and humidity to blow out of here so I can finally get outside and do things (while listening to others gripe about how "cold" it is).

JD4010

JD4010

 

Real life in TV.

I started watching a show called You're The Worst. It's silly and cynical about people and love. I started the second season recently, which involves one of the main characters revealing her lifetime battle with depression as she fell into another clinical episode. And here I am. I'm back to work today after a day off yesterday, and I couldn't bear the thought of sitting at my desk (a whole 3 feet from my bed), so I dragged my work computer to my bed and have been "working" from a horizontal position while watching this show. I'm laying here, feeling brain dead, while watching a character overcome with one of the most convincing portrayals of anhedonia and depression I've ever seen in a TV show. She is enduring the "help" that her boyfriend tries to provide even though he admittedly doesn't understand clinical depression at all. He even pulled out the "just snap out of it" cliche.   "You need to stop. It's like you have amnesia. Every day, you think things are gonna be different, and I'll just be happy. Well, maybe you can understand this. I feel nothing. About anything. Dogs, candy, old Blondie records, nachos, you, us, nothing. So for the last time, please go." "I'm scraped out. I'm... that car we sent to Mars, flipped upside down so the sun can't reach my solar panels. I've always been able to flip myself back over eventually but...I ran out of times. This is how I am now." Sometimes, when I'm stuck in bed all day, it's hard to remind myself that it doesn't have to be like this forever. I've always flipped myself back over eventually; there's no reason why I still can't. I need to stop this backsliding. My anxiety is getting out of control and it's really dragging me down.
 

Sigh

I'm really tired of arguments. And I always put the blame on myself in the end. When it starts, the only thing in my mind is I want to prove that I am right. And I don't even realise it till it's over. But he always have to provoke me when I am still doing the house chores. Ya, fine, I know he helps out with the house chores too and he does it so much faster than me, but I still hate it when he provokes me when he is done and I'm still not done, cos in my mind I'm doing the house chores for him, and he has no right to make me feel terrible every time when I'm doing it. Ugh. I really hate myself. I'm really just so sick and tired of this. It just makes me hate everything. Which sucks. Cos I'm filling my heart with hate. And it'll be filled with that thing. And then I'd just end up crying and crying cos I hate myself so much. But I can't stop. But I can't go on. So I should just forgive him and forgive myself. That's the only way I can move on.  I can hardly think about the best part of the day. Actually I wish I can just sleep. But the fact is I still need to do a bit more work. Cos I am flying off for a month. So there's lotsa work to do. Sigh. Probably the best part of the day is being able to whine to my colleague about my boss, and my boss being out of the office by 2pm, and me being able to complete a certain amount of work, and my husband helping me with the house chores. And watching Planet With since the latest episode just came out. 

nirah007

nirah007

 

complicated feelings about care

I've been struggling with a knee injury for over a year now, and Carpal Tunnel syndrome, oh and a neck that keeps going to crap, and an inflamed elbow, and my hands and feet keep getting swollen. So the last time I saw my GP, I said, hey... is there any possible there is something systemic going on. Lucky I did. She ordered a battery of blood tests and it turns out I may have rheumatoid arthritis, and I may have had it for quite a few years. I'm still in my 30's, so this shocked me, but it explains oh so much! She, referred me to a rheumatologist and she said to me, "if they can't fit you in in the next 2-3 weeks let me know". They couldn't fit me in for 7 weeks, so I let her know. The wonderful doctor that she is, she found another person who could fit me in this week and got the receptionist to confirm everything for me. I felt like crying over the care that I was receiving. It is so reassuring to be looked after.  I know this is not a mental health issue, but it's not something I wanted to broadcast on facebook, so I'm writing about it here.  As I called my partner and my girlfriend and my mum to let them know what was going on for me, I reflected that I was in a good place to have these people to call on for support. The gratitude was a little overwhelming.

chickapea

chickapea

 

Anxiety....

I'm terrified of work again today. That's really more than I should say, but it's not nearly enough.  I find myself wishing that something horrible would happen to me so I can't go to work, then scared that the horrible thing will actually k*i*l*l me.  Geez, me, pick a lane already. My life feels like so much more than I can handle, and it's felt like that for a long time now.  You'd think I would adjust or something. I keep wondering why I'm putting myself through this. I keep wondering if it's really all worth it.  To keep k*i*l*l*i*n*g myself to make money and provide for my family, and never have anything leftover for them.  Work swallows up all my effort, and I hate it.  I hate it that it feels like there is nothing left of me when I get home.  I survive at work, and I survive at home.  When do I get to enjoy life?  When do I get to spend my time doing something that brings me meaning and fulfillment?
 

Eating Humble Pie ~ I May Change Career Directions

A month ago I had written how everything was SO great in my life that I may take a break from DF. Well, that went out the window with my new job, which I thought was going to be amazing. And now it turns out it's far too technical for me and that possibly my field, or this particular niche within my field, is not the best fit for me. ARGH! SO frustrating!!!! So now what? I am considering applying for other jobs within my field that are are a different type of position - more writing and editing focused. There are editorial positions within my field, but they pay considerably less. So there's the financial aspect to consider as well. However, I've been in these shoes before and to simply remain in a job for the money is not the answer to long-lasting happiness. So I found an editorial position of interest and I think I will apply. I do have a blog to speak of and 50 original pieces of writing. Granted, I may not be the most proficient writer or editor, but within my field I am pretty adept. I may just go for it, but I cannot believe I am thinking about leaving my job after just one month. That is not what I expected AT ALL coming into this job. I haven't even gained client accounts yet, but I feel the writing MAY be on the wall for me? I just don't know. At least I will apply for the one job and see what happens. It can't hurt!!! I feel I have to do SOMETHING.

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

All My Angels...

I just want you all to know you are all my angels....... Yep, you.  DFers.  Sluggin' in out hard and dirty with depression, anxiety, bipolar, borderline personality, disassociative identity, PTSD, schizophrenia, psychosis, and any number of other horrible things our minds and bodies are capable of doing to us.  You. Are. All. Angels.  I know sometimes it seems like no one gives a rat's furry little *ss burning in h*d*s, but don't believe it.  Because I care, and any number of others here on DF care.  We might be known to you only on the internet, but we're still real people.  I understand that it's hard and it sucks donkey b*lls but I also understand it's worth fighting, dear ones.  It is, I promise.  So, here is a song for you.  and remember.... '...if you need a friend / there's a seat here alongside me...' https://youtu.be/B_k0_YokbE8     Putting in a trigger warning for this next one... took me months to be able to listen to Chester sing this one, and I still cry. People out here care about you... We'll help you hold on.  Just don't let go.  https://youtu.be/5dmQ3QWpy1Q               
 

Cat's Paw

I haven't been keeping up with this blog like I wanted to. I intended it to be a gratitude journal but it is instead mostly me b*tching and whining. Who wants to read that sh!t, eh? OK. Something to be grateful for...let's see...well, I accidentally shut the window on my cat's paw earlier today. She jumped up onto the sill just as I was pulling the window down. She screamed in pain but seemed able to walk OK afterwards. I laid down with her for awhile and she was her usual friendly self--purring and snuggling. It would devastate me to know that I had injured her. But it looks as if any injury was small. Wow. That really shook me up.  

JD4010

JD4010

 

He Really Does Love Me!

I wrote an entry on why does he love me so much, and sometimes I still wonder that, but I know now that my boyfriend really does love me. I think he truly is here to stay for good, for better or for worse.

I've been super stressed for the last month plus with my new job, and I've tried to suppress it or not show a lot of it so it doesn't effect him. We live together, so I don't want my stress to make him unhappy. But he feels whatever I am feeling and he can tell when I'm not right. He can sense when I'm anxious even if I don't say anything. I hate that my stress leaks out, but some days it cannot be helped. Yet even through this stressful time for me, he has been there for me, showering me with love and affection and telling me that I can do this -- it's pretty amazing. I feel very supported and very loved.

I try not to come home and dump all my issues on him from work, and I come home with a LOT, but I try to save it for my therapist. I am filled with anxiety each and every day. I have so many self-doubts and wonder what I could have said or done differently, and I wonder how am I going to survive or even thrive in this job. I feel stupid and awkward half the time, but that is slowly getting better. But my sweetheart takes me as I am and loves me anyways. He knows how anxious I am. Sometimes I talk about it through stories I tell, so he does understand my worries. And pretty soon he should have the money to buy me an engagement ring. I don't know if it's too soon, but it feels like we've been together long enough for that. Some days he tells me he wishes he could marry me TODAY, like RIGHT NOW --- it is SO sweet. Other days he wakes up and says, "let's elope!" LOL. It's super cute and endearing. ❤️ I think couples do need to weather some storms together to know if they truly can make it for the long haul. I wouldn't call this a storm, but it's a mini one -- maybe a dust storm or just a bump in the road. I know I haven't been myself lately -- he's even told me this. That's why I try not to let this effect us/him. I don't like that I am not my usual self, and I want so badly to get back to my normal, happy-go-lucky state. I think I am slowly getting there. Like last night we went on a concert boat cruise, and even though I have to prep all weekend for an exam I'm taking Tuesday, I put it all aside and had fun nonetheless. I took a Zanax, which made all the difference. A friend gave me a whole bunch of them recently, and man, they're awesome!!!!

Anyways, he's really making me feel deeply loved in every way and I appreciate it so much. ❤️😍


 

RiverLight

RiverLight

 

OMFG.... A Good Morning?! W*T*A*F?!

Oh. My. God.  (say that like the Scottish girl in 'The Empty Hearse' episode of Sherlock) I might be having a - gasp - good morning!!  Egads, Watson!  Sherlock metaphors aside, today is not bad.  There are still things bothering me, but they feel do-able. So we will engage in another Celebratory Misha, and throw caution to the wind this time. What the hell.  I can live dangerously!  Notice I'm pulling out all the stops this time, with the extra sexy dad pics.  Yep. I'm a nerd.  Good dads are sexy.  So what. 
 

Accepting

Accepting is not easy. Accepting that I’m living with my Mother in law forever is not easy. Removing that hatred is not easy. When I see my husband’s face every morning I smile. When I see her face every morning, the feelings of hatred in my heart just surfaces. Accepting cos I have no choice. She is not a bad person. Accept it. Forgive her for being old. One day I will be old too. And I don’t know how I will be like then. Accept it. Live with it. Be happy.

nirah007

nirah007

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