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      A Reminder that we are a PG13 Site   12/09/2016

      Please keep in mind that NO content can be posted that is not PG13!  No sexual content and definitely not images which is not permitted in a post! We will delete it.  Not even memes or humorous images should be posted, if you want these forums to continue. NO IMAGES! If you want to post an image, post the URL pointing it to your gallery.  Again, Depressionforums.org is PG13!! Thank you~ ~Forum Admin  

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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
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    how am I... well, I am organic decaying matter that lives in a hostile and indifferent universe. true friendships are hard to come by but I still travel this desert we call awareness for people who relate to the endeavor of harsh existence.

    I'm here, are you?

    sincerely signed,
    --Dusty Traveler of the Multiverse

  1. Next month I'm gonna go on a trip and hopefully there I will be prescribed medicine and that medicine will work. But I was thinking, even if the medicine works, I don't know how I'd be happy. I don't know what to do with my freetime. I have no friends. I don't go to school or work. And I wouldn't even wanna go to school or work. One positive thing about my current situation is I have enough money to live on for at least a couple of years without having to go to school or work. But back to my problem. I don't know what to do. How to make myself happy. Maybe I'd go for a walk daily. But that's such mild feeling of happiness it's not even that. Old people go for a walk daily. Then they go home and either weave socks or carve something of wood. I don't know what I'd do. Or I guess like I have done so far, which is be online for 10 hours per day. But that is no life.

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    To kick things off, I've decided to share a personal note I wrote to myself shortly after checking into the ER:

    "So far there has mostly just been a lot of sitting, waiting in this hospital gurney. I've been able to watch TV, but at first I was not even allowed to have a pen.. I finally got my phone out of the lockbox, but at first I wasn't even supposed to get that privilege. There has been someone with me this whole time. How boring that must be to just sit there and watch. And I wonder what they think when they look at me."

    A lot of thoughts went through my head that night at the ER.. I remember finding it interesting that I couldn't have a pen, but the plastic top on my cup could have been used for self-harm... But the thing is I was there to stay alive, I had gotten to the point that I felt I needed extra help. And believe me, this is one quick way to do so.

    Shortly after arriving I met with someone from a crisis intervention organization, we talked briefly, then he suggested inpatient care in a behavioral health center. I was hesitant, but decided to give in to the help I so desperately longed for. This was something I thought I might need to do for awhile though, so the choice wasn't too hard, but still.. 

    Honestly not too much else happened that night, I mostly just watched TV and awaited to be told when I would be transported. 

    Until the next day... 

  2. Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    Because I'm being oh so unfair...I'll just crawl back under all that crap you spew out on a regular basis.

     

    Melting, melting, wasting.

    Your eyes will open.

    You'll see.

    You'll see what you do.

  3. Well, you know how the saying goes- ‘No good deed goes unpunished.’ I really wanted people who choose non-belief to have a place in the religion forum where they could speak their experience and and opinions without being attacked.

    It just went down in flames.

    And do you know why?

    Because some members would rather snipe at each other and troll and flame each other when they disagree than show respect and compassion. TBH, most members on that thread were respectful to each other. But it only took a few members dedicated to the proposition that no one should be safe to **** it for everyone. It only took a few members dedicated to the idea that and vitriol should be spread as widely as possible, to **** a thread that deserves to have a place.

    I’m absolutely heartbroken over it. I don’t necessarily share those opinions, but I can still understand where they come from, because I’ve had some of those questions myself. I just happened to come up with different answers. I respect the fact that people are thinking and working through things for themselves. And people have a right to voice those thoughts and opinions and experiences without being bullied for it.

    And I wanted to protect that ability. Because I truly believe that everyone deserves a voice, and that everyone deserves a chance to be heard. Apparently, though, I’m in the minority thinking that.

     

    shadow-hands.thumb.jpg.2ccc1c90ff29c286e815bcd1b2d79a14.jpg

  4. Lady Mozzer
    Latest Entry

    I am a nobody not that I ever wanted to be a somebody.All I ever really wanted out of life is to content,safe and comfortable.But  instead I am afraid.I am afraid of everything.I`m tired of being afraid.I`m tired of struggling everyday and worrying about everything.I want a life and sometimes I even want someone to love.But time is passing by everyday and those things seem way out of reach for me.Who would want someone like me anyway?

    Sometimes I really want to go to my old coping method.You see I used to hurt myself to get relief from this thing.I haven`t done it in a really long time and I promised someone that I would never do it again.Sometimes I get so tired though.I keep everything locked up inside.I am a very shy person and I don`t like to let out my feelings and let others know how I am feeling.If someone asks me "How are you doing today?" I just say I`m okay.I guess a lot of people do that.I keep everything bottled up inside and I don`t let things out.I don`t have that release anymore and I know it`s weird but I kind of miss it sometimes.I still have my tools but I am trying very hard to keep that promise besides I don`t need those reminders that are left behind every time I hurt myself.They are ugly and I try to keep them hidden but it`s hard because there they are.I also don`t like explaining them it makes me very uncomfortable.I mean really...how can you explain that? I just usually say oh that was an accident.Whether they buy or not I don`t know.Anyway I hate that it makes me feel like they can look inside and see my soul.....like I said before I hate that.It`s a struggle though the question should I or should I not.Lately it`s been hold on wait a minute and then the moment`s gone.I still miss it a little though it`s sometimes feels like an old friend.You know the one you could always count on to be there when you needed them.Of course I know it`s not my friend and it`s not a good way to cope.But that`s what I did and I will wear the reminders of that for the rest of my life.

  5.  Am I the only one who feels jealous when i see acquaintances out doing fun stuff with their friends? I really really hate that im feeling jealous. Its such an ugly thing. I never get invited to do fun stuff....i would love to go. I have to practically beg for quick 30-60 min adventures locally (walks, snowshoe, just going to he gym) and it bothers me to see these same people i practically beg for attention doing weekends away going ice skating and snowshoeing and all that fun stuff. am i a drag to be around? or is it because i dont have any kids to occupy her kids. couples with kids usually gravitate to other couples with kids...i get it. trust me i get it. i feel so left out with everything and everyone cause its just me. what do i bring to the table? nothing.
     
    oh well. i should use my time wisely to find other single friends. im narrowing and narrowing my scope of people. i stopped trying for a boyfriend on the dating sites....after the 9th or 10th time being blown off, you kind of get discouraged. maybe im just one of those people who is just a loner...no real friends...never married....i'll end up being that scary old lady that lives on the corner when im older cause ill never come out of my house. :/
     
    everyone on the weekly trail hike so far are at least 15 years older than me and at a different stage in their life...teenage or grown kids.
     
    i really screwed life up by missing out my 20's. i wish i could go back and try to do it better. try better to hide the depression and hold on to my friendships and not hide away from life.
     
    you know that statement...you are never too late...well i think its true in some cases
  6. irah007
    Latest Entry

    Oh hey look I'm running away again. Really why do I still stay with him. Ofcos it's abt that woman again. It's always that woman. Why am I even complaining. What just what am I suppose to do. What's wrong with her why can't she understand. Why am I not speaking up? Cos I never speak up. That just makes things worse. I'll scream and shout and hell will break over.  

    Oh hey look I'm repeating myself again. 

    So sick of life. What's the point. Always asking that question. So sick of it. Tried giving life up but always failed. Why am I resisting. What's the point really. To face all these problems every single day. 

    Like it or not I'll still have to wake up tomorrow. Like it or not I still have my boss to report to. Like it or not I still need money to pay for food.

    Oh God nothing is easy except what you made easy. If you wish, you can make the difficult be easy. 

     

  7. ArnoldJRimmer
    Latest Entry

    god im such an *****.  ive always been one but was too arrogant to admit it to myself.

    i kept dreaming that i could have some kind of fairy-tale life but instead i merely became a dark stain on the lives of those who deserved far more.

     

    its all gone.  the words and images of happiness.  the blue skies are grey and cold.  im tired.

  8. There is no cure for Depression and mine is so severe that I doubt it will ever go away. I have been this way for so long. I am 28 years old. I have been depressed since I was a child.  I am so accustomed to thinking how Depression wants me to. It is very hard to change. How much more of life do I have to live? A LOT.  That means I have A LOT more years of living with Depression. 

    It is hard to open up to people because most people are not understanding of Depression. They have so many misconceptions and then there are people who are aware of what Depression is but they have no desire to bring someone into their life that has it. They have that choice.  I have let people into my life and they have blatantly told me "Look, I can't deal with this. You are moody, I have to worry about getting you out of your house, I have to worry about your well-being...it's too much for me."  I have had people tell me that. 

    People say get rid of the people who bring negativity to your life.  A lot of people think depressed individuals are negative.  We do have tons of negative thinking against our control...but when you are in a relationship or friendship, in a depressed mode...it can affect them indirectly. It is not our fault. 

    So when you tell someone you are depressed and they look at you differently or talk to you less it becomes clear they want nothing to do with you.

    I have been having the HARDEST time finding individuals who don't hold your depression against you.  Who actually want to remain my friend. 

    I haven't even thought about how a boyfriend might think. My ex was really understanding but who is to say the next guy I meet will be too?

    I'm terrified I will be alone forever because people are so afraid of Depression. I am so scared to open up to people.  

    I look at my phone now, at my contacts list and I have absolutely no one that I can call up and say "Hey, I feel really low tonight. Can I come hang out with you?"  NO ONE. 

    And I have had people I met at work, trying to be my friend but I keep them at bay because I know they will NOT want to put up with me. They aren't ready to be an actual friend to me. 

    I need people that will come over and lay under blankets with me while I cry. I need people who will check up on me every once in awhile. I need people who will help me get stuff done when I am too depressed to do anything but cry. 

    No one has time for that. Especially not at this age. When all anyone wants to do in their 20's is party and have fun. No one has time for someone like me. 

    And so I deal with this insane amount of loneliness where I cry every night before I go to sleep because I feel so alone. No matter what I do, I just feel alone.   This type of loneliness is deep, deep inside and it just resonates within me. I am lonely.  I don't know how else to explain. I am just so lonely.  

    It is so painful. I am in so much pain because of this loneliness. 

     

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    Today February 10th 2017,

    It sure is a day where I think I'm going to try to give myself a break.. even if my house does fall apart... 😒

    I'm a mom of my two wonderful Boys D and A, also the wife of J. My family is always first. Always. I have depression and high level anxiety and I guess this is why I'm writing this blog. The blog is my days with depression and anxiety. My struggles of the day or the days that have been fantastic. 

    Today so far has been I guess you could say relaxing 3 kids today my two boys and my neighbors daughter.

    (my neighbor and her girls are living with me since their apartment had a fire so they will be here for a few weeks, I also watch her daughters before their fire as well)

    these 3 are crazy together but such sweethearts. 

    Today is my try to relax day and so far it's been good. I've been laying on the couch trying not to worry about the apartment or the worries I always have... today... is a battle day.. my head goes to war as I ignore all my worries and problems.. we'll try to. 

    I'm watching some cartoons with the kids while I lay their and they play in their pjs and play with toys and play hide and seek. 

    Its hard to ignore all these worries I always have it hurts my head (gives me a splitting headache) I constantly still fell like someone is gripping the middle of my spine with super inhuman strength that just won't let go while a snake climbs up my back.

    ignoring these thoughts so far really isnt as easy as people make it seem for me.. I feel like I'm behind a door I'm trying to close as anxiety pushes back on it to keep it open trying to get in... I'm starting to really struggle... 

    i hear what I usually do here and there when he busts the door open just a little.. I'm not enough... I will not win... your a bad mother....

    it just keeps pushing its way in... 

     

    (will continue after I feed my boys and little ms. A lunch.

  9. Dysthymic9
    Latest Entry

    Well it has been awhile since i posted here... a lot has happened..lots of good and some bad.. 

    My last posts mentioned my moving into an apartment with my boyfriend..finally on our own and escaping of other peoples expectations of us while we lived with them. A lot of that fueled my depression.. its been about 6 mos since we've been on our own and in September i found out i'm pregnant. that was a shocker... i believe everything happens for a reason though.. we finally got from underneath people who don't understand us and who just constantly judge into our own place, we managed to get our own vehicles and not have to rely on my dad for one vehicle, who is very unpredictable in his schedule, and have some really good jobs. Another plus...we're about an hour away from all that crap and those people who put a damper on us for far too long. It had really affected our relationship and definitely affected my depression and anxiety, making it feel maxed out alllll the time. 

    I woke up this morning and had a need to post some new things here... particularity about something that helps me get through my fatigued stages, which can be frequent. Since i found out about my pregnancy i was very skeptical of continuing anti depressants. I had the most success on Lexapro but cannot take that during pregnancy. I was put on Zoloft for about a week or two i tried and felt no improvement. Right before my pregnancy i was feeling very down and emotional (now i understand where some of it was coming from)  and my boyfriend and i were fighting a lot... well after finding out and some discussions and time we are managing much better and i myself with my depression. I stopped taking Zoloft because it didn't help all that much and i didn't want to put my baby at any risk ( even though some research and doctors told me its very minimal with Zoloft) i chose not to. I've been pretty good without anything, but its a huge thanks to my environment. i feel comfortable with my job, i'm actually working with a manager i had at a different practice and enjoyed working with her very much and there isn't one person that i have a real issue with, and working in an office with all women, its a miracle. We all get along and have fun. Its one of those jobs you get an opportunity once in a lifetime it seems. On top of that, having my own space in our place has been amazing. I struggle the most at home with my depression and will get swallowed in books, tv shows, video games. Clothes pile up, dishes stack higher, and it gets tougher to look at and think its possible to clean... this is where my help comes into play... a co worker had me try Fit Sticks.. it's meant to help you loose weight, enhances energy, and helps enhance your mood...and holy ..it worked. i wasn't using it for weight loss given that i'm pregnant, but it is 100% organic, USDA approved and has ingredients you actually understand and know. It really did wonders for my energy... i hit a point i was naturally more energized because of the pregnancy and stopped using it for a little while..well once that phase left and depression's fatigue hit me again..i  took to my Fit Sticks.. It gave me the energy to do a few loads of laundry, clean the kitchen, and cook a meal.

    With a baby on the way i've naturally been put into gear that i HAVE to overcome this somehow or really alleviate the symptoms. I've set myself up in a routine that has done wonders for me... This is going to be my first weekend where i have no clothes piled, no dishes to do, and no immense general cleaning that needs to be done. I'm proud. After seeing this happen, i know its possible for others, just need to find the right motivation, the right combination. When i get home if i sit on the couch, i know that's where i'll stay until bed time..so i get right to it when i get home, i try to get things together so i don't have to worry too much on my long work nights where i'm totally drained already by the time i get home. It is working! If i have laundry to do and a kitchen to clean from the meal the night before, i throw a load in, i get to work on the kitchen, switch loads, and start dinner, switch loads and keep going until i feel its been enough. The Fit Sticks have kept my energy up and allowed me to continue without  falling through half way. I've finally have a consistency done and it feels great. I've definitely have had some tough times in between where i've broken down and cried, felt so tired and just wanted the bed, but in the end i'm seeing i am accomplishing things. 

    Life for anyone takes motivation, determination, and ambition...For people who struggle with Depression and Anxiety you can take that load and times 10.. but it doesn't have to stop us. Once you feel the motivation kick on, go with it. Try to keep it. Remember things that lead to it, whether it was a string of thoughts, an inspirational video or post, or person you talk to. I'd suggest people to try the Fit Sticks... it seriously has made this kick easier to keep for me. Remember.. Don't give up. 

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    So I have now been up for a whole 24 hours, again. I was so determined to go to my 9am lecture, but alas insomnia strikes again! I can't say I'm looking forward to the array of angry emails from my tutors or having to explain for the hundredth time why, only to have my depression, anxiety and PTSD dismissed and swept under the carpet.  

    I'm still recovering from my suicide attempt on Saturday. I have been trying to get my head straight, as well as nursing the massive bump on my chin after smacking my chin on a water dispenser, whilst fainting after having bloods taken in the middle of the emergency department. Not my most graceful of moments, I must say and I have the bruise to prove it. 

    Hopefully tomorrow will  be a better day and I can actually get some sleep.

  10. So all of this is stuff I've written before. It would appear I have nothing novel to say.. So here it all is again. I posted this also elsewhere on df.

    I'm in a job I hate and in a life I have no interest in. I turned 50 a few months ago and feel this is all I'll ever have. I have no idea what I want from life or even who the hell I am. I've failed in just about everything I've put my mind to.

    I live in Northern Europe and age discrimination is a reality here. The job situation seems to be in flux with vacancies only in either low-wage jobs or sales and marketing  which I detest. The job market doesn't want the likes of me anyhow. I have no valid degree and I don't have the time, skills or the brains to study anything, not that there is anything I'd be interested enough in to study. So all I can do is to hang on to what little I have. I have little money and it's all I can do to make ends meet at the end of the day. 

    I've been seeing a psychiatrist and pnurse for six months now and it seems they haven't a clue what to do with me. I'm not depressed, just angry, bitter and self loathing, suffering from insomnia, anger issues and violent moodswings with a propensity to self harm. I'm being assessed for bipolar and/or BPD but I'm not ticking the right boxes there either. I've been running for assessments and all they do is smile sympathetically and book the next appointment, feeding me with meds that makie me put on weight and turn me into a zombie with moodswings. 

    Change...I wish I knew what it looked like. I don't see much point continuing. Hope just leads to more disappointment and anyhow, I don't even know what to hope for. I have no dreams or passion for anything. 

    What could possibly be the point living this way?

  11. Campanella
    Latest Entry

    I'm back. 

    A lot of stuff has happened since the start of the year. I started college, which was a daunting task in and of itself. I was unprepared in every sense of the word. The entire first week, I kept getting myself in all sorts of predicaments one after the other. Financial aid hasn't come through, tuition still isn't paid in full, I've already spent 200$ on supplies and books alone. Someone like me, a jobless leech, can barely get by paying for college. One of my classes doesn't require textbooks, but I'm buying materials on an almost daily basis. As much as I regret taking it at this point, I keep reminding myself that if I want to get therapy, I need to have this class to keep a certain college credit amount. That's been my main driving force so far. If I can pass these classes, I can finally get myself treated for this cocktail of illnesses that I have and get myself on a good path. The stress alone has given me one stomach ache after the other. Still, my peers have commended me for taking early morning classes. I chose them because it was the closest thing I had to having a high school schedule. Something I'm very used to.

    Outside of college, I've had many rough patches dealing with relationships with friends. The person I wrote about here months ago, well, simply put heartbreak has now become a familiar feeling. All this time I spent loving them, kissing the ground the walked on and throwing myself at their feet, was for naught. They weren't the person I worshiped them to be. The day I came to terms with this, I spent the night letting out my emotions in some way shape or form that did not involve harm. It was very hard. I get melancholic thinking about them and what I wish we could have had. Our friendship has been shredded into ribbons now, and I don't expect reconciliation any time soon. Once again, I am left behind by a person I thought I knew.

    My circle of acquaintances has grown smaller. I am only speaking to two people on a daily basis now. Sometimes I wonder if it's enough. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being needy. I feel that social interaction is key to keeping me sane. Even though my anxiety has worsened greatly, I still try and make some efforts to interact. My eye circles have gotten darker and my skin gets paler by the day, but at least my hair isn't falling out anymore like it used to. Sadly, I started skin picking again. I noticed that when I'm nervous in a crowd, I start to scratch at my face or pluck off skin. I can't stop myself from tearing the skin off my fingers and toes. One of my friends caught on and yelled "Stop hurting yourself!" and all I could say was "I'm sorry."

    I'm disappointed that I relapsed. I was going a couple months clean until now. Death is still on my mind, but not as much. An hour ago it was in the back of my head, but not anymore.

     

  12. DNTCARE

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    so angry today and don't even know why i'm so angry.

    most of it is directed towards myself.

    why can't i just get out of this.

    why is it that with every step forward, i end up going ten step backwards

    why why why why why why

    im so angry at myself!!!!!!!!!

     

    i want to go back home and curl beneath my blankets and not talk to anyone for a few days....

  13. Lustforlike
    Latest Entry

    I feel so overwhelmed on a daily basis. I can't function. It's like my brain locks up and goes into safe mode. I am drained of all energy and any motivation I have turns into frustration because I can't function, I can't think, energy to move becomes non-existent so I just sit and stare at something until the feeling subsides. During this time my mind is nearly blank, and oddly content in a way that the anxiety defeated me once again. I also feel like I easily get paranoid, my "heightened awareness" about people makes me retreat home where I can lock myself in my room. I feel I'm living with PTSD much more distinguished than it was I haven't been diagnosed with it but I feel like I have it. There was a man I noticed in my neighborhood in 2014 watching children and fondling himself from a distance he was a man in his 60s. I had someone reported to the police and the landlord. Never saw the man after that. So don't know what happened. I think he knew I witnessed what he was doing and decided to take his get of jail free card and run.  Since then my anxiety is 100times worse. I don't leave the house for anything other than food and the random visit with mom. 

    My mom wants me to see the doctor to get me help with social assistance programs. I'm scared I won't qualify somehow so don't bother. I tried seeing a psychologist after my dad passed away, they did the whole "grieve process" thing that didn't really do anything for me, said stuff I already knew, acted like they knew how I feel despite disclosing that I was an abuse victim. Somehow I'm magically suppose to get passed everything and get back to functioning. I feel utterly helpless, people don't get it. 

  14. I've always felt alone in some way or another. Detached or completely different from those around me. And for the most part, I never perceived this observation as a negative thing. Memories as early as four years old, feeling like someone on the outside looking in - not in a left out, mistreated way, but in fundamentally socially different way. Almost as if I would observe people, learn and listen, and selectively engage if I felt it was needed. Being alone was the predisposition.

    Perhaps people with BPD are primarily better off alone? Or in most cases are generally alone in the first place. I don't mean alone as in a shut-in hermit, but alone as in being walled off from everybody; not having anyone that knows them well, not having anyone with which to place their trust. I remember frantically telling my boyfriend within the first year of dating that I am not the type of person that has someone connected to me, no one stays. And that I really should just be alone. After 8 years of being together, getting engaged, and living together - I'm back where I started, right at home in the state of alone. There have always been people around me; my parents, my partner (ex), my friends, my family. There have been no close bonds or meaningful mutual trust - other than that which I experienced with my fiance (and is now past-tense). I've sort of just always been like that, and I can't help but feel like I always will be like that.

    There is a person in my family who I suspect also suffers from BPD. They too, have no close bonds with the people in their life. They have a loving partner, but the trust and communication aspect seems completely lacking from the rest of their life. It's like a lone wolf syndrome or something - the world is dangerous, make a small pack or stand alone. Either way you are silently ferocious, vigilant, and independent.

    Observe, and listen - contemplate and evaluate, and rarely truly engage. It's either the mask of social pleasantries, or the minimal interactions for work or school or social function etc. I don't let people in to the "real me." I don't feel it's worth the risk or effort very often. And part of it feels just plain unnatural to me. There are nearly 8 billion people on this rock with us, and finding someone that fits into your puzzle of a mind is so severely unlikely that you will either have to settle for mediocre interactions and "relationships," or spend a ton of time (of which we are given very little at birth) to find those people that do really fit - and even they are uncertain and will likely fall away at some point or another as well.

    It's been nearly four years (I would guess) since I've had a conversation with a person where I felt like it got at what I felt in my soul, where the depths of my mind were reached in reality - not just in thought. I crave this, but it is as rare as catching a falling star in your hands... I think much of daily human interaction, even if unintentionally, is highly superficial and pedantic.

    If everything and everyone is spiraling towards a central gravitational pull; like the rushing pool of lives that burst into existence all over the earth - is it not better to be outside looking in? Does any of it really matter at all, anyway?

    (This entry copied in part from a forum topic I posted, I felt I needed it here as well).

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  15. bfg best freind guaranteed
    Latest Entry

    Watching sporting events can be exciting, energetic, family time. It's all fun and games until Tom Brady and the Patriots show up then it's just upsetting. I look at them and I am filled with anger. Then when they win again I am filled with sadness that they won, like how they just won the super bowl. That's all I have to say is I really really dislike the Patriots and I always will.

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    LouisRiel
    Latest Entry

    Yes I am guilty of many of these, no I don't encourage or condone them. However, I have seen the first two recommended far too often both in this forum and in real life. 

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  16. artistic tendencies
    Latest Entry

    So tonight I was at my step-brother/friend's 40th surprise party. In my typical fashion I had an upset stomach all day. I couldn't figure it out, I was nauseous and light headed, I tried eating a little something since by 130pm I had not eaten anything since about the same time yesterday. That didn't seem to help and it wasn't until we left the party that I realized what it was, it was my body reacting to being at a party. So when we arrived (I car pooled with a friend who lives in the same complex as me). I greeted everyone that I knew as they greeted me. For the most part I sat away from the masses, in the beginning I had found a room that no one was in then out of nowhere half the people were in the room. I then found another room to hang out in and that is when people started funneling in one or two at a time and started to talk to me. I knew all but a few people at the party and a few of those people started to talk to me about various things. I did the right thing and interacted with them but inside I was thinking to myself "you don't need to talk to me cause I am here, I understand".

    Thing is I have nothing to talk about, I have no stories of any kind and the few I think I have are not interesting. I have nothing in common with any of the people including those that I am somehow friends with. It is uncomfortable for everyone involved so just move on. I am in this room by myself because I don't need to be around people and actually prefer to be alone. I am only at the party because well, that thing called friendship states I have to. I should have done what I wanted to and drove myself, that way when the bday person arrived and that got going I could have slipped out and went home. But my friend whom I had spent most of the day running around doing errands with said to just go with him or he would come with me.

    These people all have good lives, they are smart or talented or good looking or all three. I fit in like a fart in a broken elevator. I give hints that there is no need to converse with me, which is usually very limited responses like, "oh", "cool" and "yeah". If that doesn't work I just say be right back need to grab a drink or use the bathroom, since I spent most of the time in the room with some of the beverages. I really hate the fact that I have friends and I am forced, because of said friendship to have to attend things like this party. For the most part the few people I am friends with know I don't party so they tend to leave me out of it but things like this I am pretty much obligated to go.

    I think after this evenings festivities I am just going to tell my friends to not bother asking me to anything any more. It will just keep me from having to try and make up an excuse not to go and save me the headache of trying to hide at a gathering where people feel the need to have to talk to me. It is not worth the sick feeling for the few days before the event nor is it worth dealing with the awkwardness that is me at an event. Also there is nothing I eat ever at parties not that I have any teeth left to even chew food any more.

    Which is a subject for another blog post. Lets just say I can only eat something like potato chips since I can just suck on them until they mush up and I can gum it then swallow.