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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  

Seven Years On

My parents divorced when I was four or five, and my mom got a job working nights at a local factory.  During the week I stayed with my grandparents, so I lost both parents in the divorce.  But I digress.  I was always close to my grandparents and I miss them terribly. My grandmother passed in 2009, officially.  She had Alzheimer's so her mind checked out long before her body.  It's a horrible disease, robbing you of your soul.  My grandfather was displaying symptoms of it as well at the end


DeeBear in Update

Back here again... Divorce now pending

Well, I am now leaving my husband for the second and last time. He has pushed me TOO FAR, and I now know for certain that I've been involved with an abusive narcissist.  He had agreed to go to couples counseling with me and individual therapy. He's been in therapy for the last year, and now I see that he hasn't been working on himself at all. He charmed our couples therapist, who looked at me as though I'm the problem. The couples therapist frequently invalidated my perspective, my feelings


RiverLight in divorce

A Walking Pharmacy

The dreaded month of October will soon be here.  My grandfather died on the 4th. My dad died on the 28th.  A good friend died on the tenth.  My uncle died on the fourteenth. And in between all that, I will turn 50 this year.  40 didn't bother me.  Neither did 30.  But 50 is really filling me with regret.  I always dreaded my birthday because it reminded me of my dad's death when I was ten.  Now the month of October is even more sad.  I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in November. My me


DeeBear in Update

when does it stop

one of my past "best friends" let me know that our relationship was bad.  she wished I would find peace as she said goodbye.   cant argue with that, good luck to her.   I hope the future is kind to her. all I hear is the Motorhead song "God was never on your side" Lemmy was a prophet.   I am sure my demons are garbage compared to most people.  mine are selfish and laughable.  I ruined my life by my own failures. one thing i am glad of is that I have no friends so there is non

Feel soo Meh

I really feel BLAH. Things are mediocre, although on paper and in theory, everything is great. I have a good job, a great salary, and a loving husband and marriage. But my dad died in June and his service is at the end of Sept. We're preparing for it, so his death is frequently ever present. I have tried to just move on from it and live life as normal - as though everything is just fine. And it is, really. But I still feel meh. I am in this limbo spot at work where I am not doing the job I was h


RiverLight in Emotions

I Don't Want to be Human Anymore.

Five years later and I still like my physical therapist far more than I should. I've had romantic feelings towards her pretty much since I met her and nothing I do seems to help. I've tried distracting myself as well as repeatedly reminding myself that she's married (and that even if she wasn't it would be unethical for her to be in a relationship with me) but neither thing has helped much in the years I've harbored these feelings. I could and probably should switch to someone else but


DialAForAlan in vent


Hating myself a lot these days. Wish I can just die but I know I can’t. Feeling like everything sucks. I shouldn’t be pushing myself. I know I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be doing things for others all the time. I should be taking care of myself. I should take a break. I should go to the doctor when I’m sick. But everything feels so difficult to do. Expectations. Timelines. I’m getting older. Why is life so difficult. I feel like if I stop doing one thing, everything will fall apart, so I have to kee


Depressedgurl007 in Hi

No comments, not shocking.

Wrote a note to one who was important.  She was happy in life and glad i was there to help her through the worst and wished i would find peace.  I have grown enough to see.a goodbye when it shows so I will honor that as i do honestly hope she will be happy. I won't be but i will not let it known except here.  The last forum i write to.  The forum where we wish we could help others and on doing so redeem ourselves. I have helped a few i think.  That was good but not anything that will b

life lesson of sorts

I was out for a walk this morning with my mom. she made a statement how she hates her life, and I asked why (knowing what it was, but she never fully admitted it) and she came out this time with it and said it bothers her she isnt a grandmother. my heart sank. id give anything in the world to be a mom and give her grandkids, but I just couldnt make it happen. Ive literally been on dating apps since my 20s (im in my early 40s now) and I cant tell you how many of my messages got ignored, how many

I Wish They Would Let Me Go Already

My job - BIG SIGH - is a nightmare for me. I had to take a month off for mental health reasons early on in my tenure in March. Then, when I returned to work, my psychiatrist suggested in a letter that I have a reduced level of responsibility to avoid high stress, which was a trigger for my mental health issues. So, they gave me very menial tasks over the next many months. After a few months of that, I kept asking for more responsibility, but they wouldn't let me take on any real client work. So


RiverLight in Work


Was feeling very very down and anxiety was starting to build up too. Scrolling through IG cos dunno what else to do. Then came this chibird post. “This too shall pass. It can be hard to see anything but the sadness when things are tough, but the sadness will pass in time, as it always does.” So I guess now instead of feeling down and afraid, I’m just waiting for time to pass till this is over.  Someone else also reminded me to practice mindfulness. Don’t deny or fight or hate the negative t

Better Day

You told me I can never be anything. But I’ll show you there's nothing that I cannot be, If I put my trust in Him. I'm gonna find my own voice, I'm gonna make my own way. He's the only reason I'm gonna find a better day. In between all the noises, underneath all the pain He's the only reason i'm gonna find a better day.  You left me with no return in sight, a hollow scream in the middle of the night. So won't you please let go of me inside, I need to spread my soul and fl

Thoughts of the moment

Written here so i dont bother those who know me. I have been cleaning my storage locker and throwing away junk.  I found an old photo of her. I was asked to photograph a play she was a part of.  To record behind the scenes and cast photos.  The photo is of a group, some people always turn away as natural photos tend to make people feel tense.  Her reaction is more.  She knows i am there and tries to hide her face.  A normal person would be able to feel her reaction but i was blind

My father is dying - TW

My father is ill in the hospital with an incurable terminal lung disease. His condition worsened after he got covid, from which he never truly recovered.  And now, he is on oxygen at the hospital, where he has been for over a week now. His condition is progressively getting worse and worse, and he's dying.  I have spent every day at the hospital lately, and will go after work again tonight. I have some mixed feelings because my father was neglectful of me and basically was emotionally


RiverLight in Family


Can’t help but feel I’m a horrible person. Why was I born this way, such a sensitive idiot who can’t face people and things end up being my fault cos I took things the wrong way. What the hell does that mean I have my mother’s genes while she has my dad’s genes. What the hell does that mean that she is like her older sister! She is NOTHING like her. She doesn’t block the door to prevent me from leaving the house! She doesn’t shout at me random words when she is tired. She does not have a bloody

I received a really negative work review

The review was all negatives and criticisms, with little mention of any positives, successful projects completed, or work well done. I had to take a medical leave when I first started, then had to return to a greatly modified position according to my doctor's note. It is my belief that they are now creating the documentation needed in order to fire me, and I said as much in my review meeting today with my boss and HR. Due to my "modified" position, I am doing menial work for a very high


RiverLight in Work

Getting there

I am a beautiful disaster, and I accept myself as such.  Someone mentioned that if we are negative, we should not force ourselves to be positive, n just accept it because when we stay negative long enough, one day naturally we want to be positive in our own way, and we will find that way ourselves. If we keep forcing ourselves to be positive, hating and comparing ourselves on why others have it easier than us to be happy, we will feel more upset on why we can’t be positive. So we don’t have

I Want To Be Okay

Terrible day.  I went to buy groceries and anxiety started kicking my ass.  By the time I got out of the store I felt like I was being electrocuted.  That same old feeling, like my body was vibrating uncontrollably.  I was so tired by the time I got home that I passed out on the couch and slept really hard.  Now, of course, I can't sleep.   I'm so tired of being broken.  I don't understand why it has to be this way.  I just want to be okay.  But I don't know how.


DeeBear in Update


Another person who has been in my life passed away while hiking. Yet another one gone. I've known so many people whose lives have been cut short, it's ridiculous. And so sad.   As far as how I am doing? Meh. I am definitely middle of the road these days. I am trying yet again to find a different job. My new-ish job is unsatisfactory, so I interviewed with a company and am waiting to hear back. It's been over a week, and I haven't been rejected nor have I been offered the job. It's frustrati

Self Reflection on My Life Long Depression

Today my youngest brother is in the hospital for who knows what that has effected his heart and breathing capacity. He is in a lot of pain. As soon as my mom told me heart I guess I did not hear anything else. I did not hear how she said she will tell whoever needs to know and that she would visit the hospital the next day. All I heard was Heart and she was going to visit him at the hospital. I am normally rational (I think) but I am protective of my youngest brother as him and I were always the

Random Thoughts

Anything on my mind. Sigh. Should I just type out all my negative thoughts. Should I type out about my day. Hate towards myself. Cos I hate my mother in law even though she is not all bad and she does have some good qualities but our relationship is just not there and our personalities crash. But she does take care of my daughter, who I think loves her more than me. I’m still not sure what I’m doing with my life. I still have strong cravings for coffee, which I’ve been trying to cut down since I

House of dreams

The house of broken dreams, Shattered glass and empty halls, echoed memories of screams, Promises made and promises broken, betrayel has now awoken. I walk down the path and what do I find? People who tolerate abuse they don't mind. Loving for all the wrong reasons, staying loyal in abusive seasons, defying all sound logic and enduring treason. The superficial is what makes the love official, what's on the outside determines whether will abide. The rest is moot, lov

just trying to vent

Mothers days has always been a stab in the heart kind of day. Im grateful for my mom but it just hurts that here i am in my 40s and Im not a mom and at this point never going to get to be one. its all i wanted in life. its the one thing i kept promising myself when i was fighting thru depression and suicidal thoughts, i told myself if i fight hard to get thru it all, it will happen for me. but i guess it was not in my cards. not sure what my cards even hold.  I try to be a good daughter at least
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