Advertisement
  • Announcements

    • Lindsay

      Donate Now   11/12/2017

        Give the gift that will keep on giving. Donate Now  Thank you and have a healthy, joyful and peaceful holiday season.   Lindsay Reday Forum Administrator, Founder LGJ Managing Director, Owner LioninWinters Administrative Technician 
                         

Blogs

Featured Entries

  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.   How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug.  Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
    • 12 comments
    • 1,969 views

Our community blogs

  1. evalynn
    Latest Entry

    That's me: a freakin' teeter-totter. I am actually pleased that I had some moments of joy today. Hours of joy, even. I don't remember how it started, but I must have already felt somewhat optimistic because I ventured onto Facebook. I think I was looking for a particular photo and ended up finding all these pictures of me and other family members to download to my computer. Then I took the dog for a walk, and that went well so I decided to pick-up my husband from work. After picking him up, we got some food at a local sandwich place (which is quite mediocre and the staff is completely lacking in friendliness, but that's a story for another time...) Then, we stopped at Bed, Bath, & Beyond to get a spice rack as a late Channukah gift for my mother in law. The one we wanted had only the display left in stock, so we got a discount on it on top of our coupon--woo-hoo! Next, since they were in the same shopping center, we went to World Market and Old Navy. Lastly, we stopped at this store called 5 Below which sells everything at, well, $5 and below. For those prices, I got a good little haul, including a pink jacket for my doggie!

    So then we took the dog for a quick walk around the neighborhood, followed by some TV watching. I was still feeling good by that point. Sometime between then and now, my body went completely freezing. Like freezing from the inside, to the bone. I'm now wearing a night shirt, one of my husband's big sweatshirts, tights, fuzzy socks, and three blankets and I'm still COLD. What is wrong with me?! I ate today, I had some pleasant conversation with my husband, he even unexpectedly apologized for something...I should be feeling great right now. But I'm really, really cold and kind of blah. When I started this blog, I was even feeling kind of sad, but remembering all the good things that happened today has brought my spirit back up a bit. So now I'm just cold. Oh, well. Things could be worse. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight and wake up in an even better mood (one can dream...)

  2. Goodbye Citalopram, 

    Hello Prozac.

    Saw the Doctor again today, and although I have been showing improvements regarding my anxiety and suicidal thoughts after being on citalopram for a little over a month, we are going to try moving on to Prozac. Starting with 10mg for 3 days, continuing with 20mg afterwards (here's hoping that this change will help with the headaches)

    I'm a little nervous about it but, honestly, not really compared to when I first started this attempt towards recovery. Recovery... is that the right word to use here?

    I feel okay. It's hard to think of what to write about really though. I was excited to write about this, but it doesn't appear I have much more worth unloading.. I'm just trying to take it day by day - if I look too far ahead, I start to upset myself. If I let myself think about how badly I still want to get out of this house, I don't want to move. 

    So like I said, day by day. Before we know it, it will be spring.

  3. anxiousE
    Latest Entry

    I need to update this. So I had a good day in my last therapy session, thinking I had some new goals, but that I'd take a break from therapy until I had some more progress to speak of. Well, all sorts of challenges arose and just as soon as I had made that resolution, I found myself wishing I had made a sooner appointment. Unfortunately she's been booked up all this time anyway, so I am toughing it out until I see my psychiatrist again end of this week. I'm anxious and excited to see where I stand then. 

    I guess this is pretty boring, but I don't really want to go into all the details of those challenges right now. Let's just say I'm trying to overcome them by some silence and distance. But there is one particular challenge that I might just make a separate post for when I can get my mind to form it into words, and that is to do with this lingering anger I have towards some folks, this alternating almost hatred of their actions but also my actions. It's the depression, of which the irony is that the medication is supposed to be helping, BUT that will hopefully adjust by the end of the week. I've tried to deal with all of this, but I fear the folks I live with just don't understand or want to put up with how I cope. Or they try to tell me what to do, not fully understanding that that is what I am trying to do, but it doesn't just happen overnight! The hard thing is they think I should be "over it" (this disappointment that happened to me) by now, and well, I am, except that I am not because I can't fully escape all that is related to it...right?? It's a thing that really requires patience and calm actions and I suppose I'm leashing out at those who don't understand because I fear they mean to rush the process. (Wow! I literally just came to this conclusion as I was writing this out! Cool!)

    I just want to make one more note about my mind. I feel like I make a realization and then I forget it the next day, or I fear I will, or that it doesn't even matter. Um, yeah, I haven't really thought this through, so my point is just that there is still a lot of cloudiness in my mind and I have to prioritize based on my instinct that I've spoken enough/spent enough time writing this blog post that it's time to end it and move on to the next thing right now. Ttfn!

     

    Edit: one more thing. I found some new persons to engage with about ADD/ADHD. Not sure how far that will go, but it's nice to learn more about this wherever I can.

  4. Natasha1
    Latest Entry

    My therapist said that i take blame for things too much. She also said that i was not put on this earth to win ANYONE's approval.

    Lets visit that lovely little dream shall we?

    If its ok for people to talk to me the way they do...the kid the husband the parents (now just parent) the sisters, the friends (theyre all gone anyway), the coworkers teachers people online and employers...then it must be my fault. Every time.

    Right?

    I mean, how can so many other people be wrong? 

    Yet, if for example my kid speaks to me like im an a****** and i give her shi* for it and my husband gives me shi* for that then im the a****** for standing up for myself right? 

    Whenever i defend myself or stand up for myself im considered the b itch. 

    I think im finally done. Done with most of the xmas decor. Vacuumed everything afterwards. Took 3 times longer than needed.

    Everything will be like that now. Im going to be slow.

    I will expect condescension.

    Expect belittlement.

    Expect abandonment.

    Expect only what i am worth and deserve.

    No more dreams for this little girl. The girl who they said would have it all. The girl with talent. The girl with dreams. The fairy tales.

    But is nothing but a nightmare.

  5.  nothing has changed....not that i expected it to. Still havent heard from anyone...still getting up everyday and repeating my mundane life. I did pay to join a hiking group that goes out every saturday in my town. everyone in the group is a good 15-20 years older than me and in a different stage of their life. I try to join in idle chit chat, but most conversations revolve around kids/grandkids, their sporting games and school. I chime in where I can. I might not fit in, but at least it gets me out of the house and surrounded by other human beings.

    im still having a difficult time getting guys to engage in conversation with me on the online dating apps. Its so easy to ignore messages that a "not interested" responses never comes thru...its just kind of a given when after a few days you dont hear anything.

    I bit the bullet and reached out to the acquaintance whom i havent seen in over a year...i sent a carefree text saying i was headed out for a walk on one of the local trails...care to join? and of course...nothing. 

    my work has been releasing me early lately, which concerns me that i will get laid off again. I try to use the time to do something I dont always get to do, which is a trail walk or something...but sometimes i just rather stay at work...cause then im not reminded i dont have friends so much. does that make sense?

    anyways....hour 3 at the office alone.....no work to do. He is going to release me soon and im trying to figure out something to do instead of sitting at home. I would absolutely love to grab a coffee with a friend if i had one. I havent done that in probably 8 or 9 years. 

  6. We haven't been the same for a long time but recently we've been worse than ever. 

    We both say we want to try and get this back on track but there seems to be a lack of anything either of us is doing.

    I suggested giving us some time alone apart as we are together moreorless consistently and we've had some space from time to time but not much has changed. 

    Being in this position makes me unbelievably uncomfortable, insecure and confused to maximum possible levels. It's so bad I'd rather us just break up but I don't want that - I want us to be..well.. US again. I want us to have that spark back, that intensive electric bolt that once flowed through us as though we were ourselves creating an epic lighting storm.

    I'm so torn. We're not in a good place but I seem to be the one who's suffering the most. All the thoughts, the stories, possible outcomes, things I've done, things i could have done. I seem to think of nothing else and it's eating me alive. 

    I'm expecting the worst, but the 'worst' may actually feel better than the unwanted stuck limbo that this is.

    2018 is looking.. troubling.

    ~ A Troubled Traveller 

  7. The one way I can describe myself is a serial failure, and not in a good way.

    I look back on my life and all I see is exceptional failure, poor choices, lost opportunity, and no favourable outcomes.

    Many may say that failing is a sure step to success or necessary for learning, but not all failures are useful.

    For example, my failures are often one shot scenarios with devastating, lasting consequences. The situations will never present themselves again, but I pay the price for those blunders for years to come. I pay dearly.

    Tonight I have made a poor choice that has accentuated the poor choices I have made in the past. I made an error that my family have found out about. It only adds to my infamous, ever-growing list of major mistakes.

    I failed in social relationships, failing to make friends or at least figure out why people haven't seemed to like me.

    I failed in romantic relationships, failing to make good choices in partners, ending up being abused, hurt and humiliated.

    I failed in academics, failing to make any use of my education and performing very, very poorly.

    I failed in formal employment, failing to secure a job until I was 22, and even then failing to fit in well at my job.

    I failed in breaking away from my family, remaining financially dependent on them in my 20s, and giving them every reason to berate and belittle me for my poor choices.

    I failed in becoming the person I wanted to be, ending up a clueless, angry, weak, pathetic loser.

    I failed to recover from my poor mental health, I gave it a shot and I haven't improved.

    On top of these failures I have made countless poor choices that are too shocking to ever be spoken about to anyone, not even to a professional in confidence.

    The only thing in my life I have ever succeeded at was being a failure.

    I have not learned anything of real use, most of it was common sense.

    I cannot improve because I have been broken down far enough to know that life is not for me.

    I've given it some thought, and I have decided to stop therapy altogether. It is expensive, ineffective due to the timing, and I am disappointed in it all.

    I guess my life has come to an end at the age of 22, and that is disappointing.

  8. Whoever said you can run but cannot hide either had

    a. nothing ever really to hide from 

    b. little interest in managing the timing and circumstance of 'being caught'

    c. a stupid amount of success standing still!?

    Run like Cathy Freeman, I say.

    Running is hiding in plain sight.

    And no-one finds you there.

    Except the ones you love. The ones you want to.

    This isn't wisdom. It just occurs to me that I have more to thank than I can imagine for running before I had a clue where I was going.

    As my husband said once, all standing still does is attract the attention of a stonemason.

     

     

     

     

    • 1
      entry
    • 0
      comments
    • 35
      views

    Recent Entries

    So what's the point anyway?

    I've been struggling with social interactions my whole life and the harder I worked at them, the more it felt like I was wasting my life on something, that wasn't playing off at all. I don't know, maybe I'm just one of those people, who just doesn't click with other people. But the problem is that I've always desired it regardless. It's normal to want to be loved, right? To not have to only rely on your own skills to survive in the world, never taken care of, only cast out by the people around you.

    I tried to drown my sadness in work, but that isn't really going my way anymore, cause the s***load of stress has given me health problems (yay!).

    Just keep trying is what my imaginary friend, which I had to invent to not go insane, would say. What else is there?

    My next target to strive for is... Joy. As absurd as that sounds, or maybe it sounds more absurd that this wasn't the goal from the start, I plan to go for some of the easiest targets - anything, that doesn't harm me too much and gives me any sort of happiness, joy, peace of mind... I'm gonna do it.

    After you've been dealing with this mental for about 10 years or more, especially if it's been going on since your early days, you come to the conclusion, that even fighting the pain is more interesting than sitting around and focusing on it. Nothing happens. Nothing exciting happens at allll... It's just mental *************. If you keep thinking the same thoughts, doing the same things, you are going to have the same feelings.

    In the next months I'm gonna try to go on hikes as much as possible, try snowboarding, go out for a drink or to see a show when i feel like it, even if it's just by myself, get used to cooking "pick me up" healthy meals to get me in a better mood... And anything else, that comes my way. Basically my guide at this point is... if it is demanding more work than it is worth, stop doing it.

    Maybe eventually I will find a stable place in my life, where I will finally be at peace, have a great job, life, people that are close to me... or maybe it will just mostly stay the same. But it doesn't matter anymore. Everyone just plays the hand that they are dealt and tries to make something good out of it.

     

    Peace out

  9. I'm at an impasse and am getting really frustrated by this job search. I am too senior for many jobs in my field; then the jobs I DO qualify for, they administer personality tests and knowledge-based or skills tests, and I can't seem to get past the front door with these. Two companies have rejected me based on their stupid personality tests. I am too honest. People tell me I should tell them what I think they want to hear, but I don't know what they want to hear. Then this other company rejected me because I failed one of their four skills tests. It turns out that I missed several details they were looking for, but their instructions were so vague and non descriptive that I left out those details as a result. So I told them as much and gave them feedback that their instructions were too vague! Then I told them that I am fully qualified for the role and that they're missing out on a stellar employee. I couldn't help myself! They had canceled our interview based on these tests alone and didn't even give me a chance! I was so pi**.ed. Then I decided that if that's the way they are, I don't want to work for them anyways! They also had demanded that I complete these tests within a very short timeframe, which was totally unreasonable. So they're the type of company that would have unreasonable expectations and blame you for their own mistakes. Who needs it.

    ARGH. I am just frustrated at this point. I am in the running for just one job right now, and they put a hiring freeze on it until the Director recovers from chemo treatment. I am a top candidate. They loved me and I loved them. But still... the job is on hold.

    This process is grueling. I take breaks from interviews to keep my sanity. But I have to just keep at it, stay positive, be determined, continue to study my field and kick butt. I know I will land a job at some point, but when? This is an endurance test for sure. And I wish these companies didn't have such a grueling application process. It's so damned hard.

  10. Hertz
    Latest Entry

    I think my attachment to her reveals how sad my life is, how lonely I am inside.
    It shows there are things missing in my life.
    What are these things?

    This longing for something impossible might be a memory of my childhood desire for love and acceptance.
    I'm reenacting the desire to have my parents provide warmth, encouragement, support.

    Endless loop of longing for something impossible.

    I can't forget her because I must remember what happened when I was a child.
    The loneliness, the sadness, the frustration.

    I'm still disappointed by my parents.
    I'm still longing for some type of turn-around that will never happen.

    Is this desire for her what I felt as a child? This mix of longing, disappointment, frustration, sadness? This feeling that if things were different, that if the object of desire was available, everything would be amazing?
    How can I console the child in me?


     

    • 33
      entries
    • 1
      comment
    • 1243
      views

    Recent Entries

    ArnoldJRimmer
    Latest Entry

    Deleting my account.  Have fun.

    • 2
      entries
    • 1
      comment
    • 58
      views

    Recent Entries

    haventaclue
    Latest Entry

    So much fear.

    Afraid to get close.

    Afraid to keep distance.

    Afraid to be alone.

    Afraid of people. Fu.c.king terrified of people. I love them, but they scare me.

    Afraid to be stuck here.

    Afraid to move forward after everything I've given up.

    The truth is that I'm afraid to try. I'm afraid to fail again. I don't want to envision a life I can't have, when it's hope for the future that got me here. So much time wasted.

    I'll be optimistic another day.

  11. As 2017 draws to a close, I realize that I have not one positive accomplishment to show for it. Not. One. Thing. I've sifted laboriously through the previous twelve months, and I've found not one drop of progression, advancement or improvement.  Needless to say, this discovery is not edifying.

    I suppose it's my own fault. Depression-fueled inertia has funneled me into a state of self-destructive complacency. The Black Dog has siphoned off any remaining shred of ambition or motivation that may have been lingering, unwanted guests at a party that has long since ended.

    My "life" has been reduced to brute, base, primitive existence. I wake up, I eat (sometimes), I perform the functions of elimination, I sleepwalk through a drab 8-hour dead-end retail job, I come home, I eat (sometimes), I perform the functions of elimination, I go to bed. And that's it. Oh, sometimes the monotony is altered briefly when my son is visiting, but even then, the change in landscape is perfunctory and ultimately meaningless. Bland, empty monotony always reasserts itself.

    Nature abhors a vacuum.

    Depression abhors progress...

     

  12. Tux
    Latest Entry

    Hey 2018.

     

     

     

  13. mmoose
    Latest Entry

    to never grow old. 

    Wait.  There can be multiple meanings to that.  I should have learned that lesson from a previous post.  Rules of communication say that we should know our audience and speak to them...speak their language.  A while back (ok years) I commented about turning a certain age.  It was taken a way I did not expect.  But in hindsight, knowing the audience, I should have expected that.  

    I should be asking for a "judge rules" conclusion on a certain situation last night.  Was my reaction rational?  was I sulking? But no, I stand by it.

    And yes, I am channeling my inner G.  Ambiguously interesting thoughts for a public forum.  At least I am trying. I know I am not as interesting as the Original.

    Maybe I should be old.  There are certain advantages.  No, while the thought is tempting, I've seen way too much of it this last week.  And it is not who I am.  I am who I am.  You are what you are.  I own that.  When I am not able to be that...we'll see then.

    (oh and for random folks that maybe reading, "old" is not an age, but an attitude of course.  No offense to those who have orbited the Sun more than I)

  14. darkling
    Latest Entry

    The week my mother died, last week, is frozen in time. Time moved differently. It was slow, then it was fast. Mom had the best room. It was sunny and overlooked a forest of December-bare trees. The last night she was alive, snow fell in the evening. It was blue and silver. I listened to music, held Mom's hand as she slept, drifting in a morphine clouded waters.

    She died the next afternoon. Her eyes opened briefly when she took her last breath. I saw the arcus that ringed her brown eyes. It was blue and silver, the color of evening snow. 

    Then she closed her eyes forever.

  15. Wanderer42
    Latest Entry

    My life really sucks. I have done things in the past that are horrible and I can't change so I feel really guilty about it. Also I have basically nothing to do. I just surf online and read books, but that's really boring. I have been thinking of doing suicide, but I don't actually have the guts to do it.

  16. DeeBear
    Latest Entry

    It's been a little over two years now since my grandpa passed, and it's as if my heart broke for good.  I'm making no progress at all.  There is no way forward.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is only the light above my head, shining down into the cold and clammy hole I'm in, in long, thin grey streaks, stretching through the darkness, giving no warmth or comfort.  Those rays are just a reminder that somewhere up there, somewhere I can't reach, there is light and laughter and hope, but there's no way out.  I can't get there from here.

    And along comes another Christmas.  Every year the family would gather at my grandpa's house, but that is no more.  The new owners are keeping the place up nicely, though they're not living in it yet.  They have decorated the place for the holidays, and it just reminds me of the loss every time I drive past, and I must drive past his house, or travel miles out of my way.  Maybe I should, if only for this holiday season, but I'm not sure it would help.  Going the other route only serves as a reminder that it hurts driving past that house.  It's not going away.  There's no healing, there's not even the chance for the wounds to scab over before they are mercilessly ripped open again.

    I have even considered trying counseling again, but I don't see any way it could help from past experience.  My introverted nature prevents me from opening up to therapists, and even when I do, they try to change the subject.  Nobody wants a fat, ugly, middle aged man crying in their office.  I can't go through it again.  I can't sit and listen to their problems and I can't open up when they redirect the conversation every time I start talking about what I'm dealing with.  That's not therapy, it's avoidance.  No, I can't find any reason to believe it would help.

    I'm tired of living.  I'm just waiting for it to be over.  I suck at life and I just can't find the courage or the energy to try again.  I'm used up.  A dead battery.  In a hazmat truck on my way to the toxic waste dump.  In the slow lane.  Coasting.  Painfully.  Forever.

  17. That's what I do. There is an Urge within me.. a Want That Has No Name. 

    Don't get me wrong. I AM making an effort. I'm trying to come to terms with this Hunger. The emptiness i feel is raging. It needs to be filled. I'm at a loss as to what with. I AM active. I even socialize, even though it's against my nature. People..I don't really understand them. Neither do I really understand myself. If there even is a "me".

    As it stands, I don't know who I am. What I am here for. What my dreams are. What is my potential.

    I've never known. None of the reading I've submerged myself into, none of the toying with different diciplines of learning have born any fruit. Nothing I have done has ever inspired me. And I have been involved with a lot of various activities. I never had aspirations. Not even as a kid.

    Everything I do amounts to more emptiness. And the fire..the emptiness burns so brightly now. My head is aflame. I can't find peace anywhere.

    I find myself sitting alone in bars a lot recently. I seem to be waiting for something..I don't really know what.

    A glass of riesling drunk. Alone in a bar. Apart from making me slightly high, inebriation distances me from the fire, the agitation, the inevitable rage.

    Something tells me there will be more empty glasses before the day is over.

  18. I am sitting in a different city - I can hear waterfalls crashing from a distance. I feel amazing - but I am alone. When I found this perfect spot to sit - I knew I had to write completely unplanned words. But they are burning a hole in my brain. 

    I grew up with a younger brother and a older sister. My sister was out running- running with Her guy- but that’s not this story. We both endured pain through childhood and I would say upfront and loud that hers was worse. I am a middle child. I tended to our younger brother for years & years to come - he was 6 yrs younger me- but as we aged he became my twin, my soulmate. I can’t express in words the connection and love i felt for him, it was mutual - we came in a pair! And im still proud of that. We did absolutely everything side by side - and I loved every moment of it. I can’t cry right now - but I will leave you with this. My brother will always stand next to me- no matter what we endure living or deceased.

  19. ..and why should it? This is it. Me. Behind me a ****ed up future and ahead of me more pain, misery and death. I'd rather just jump to the end but you all know that by now.

    I'm finished. I've done all the right things. Self-help, exercise, therapy (therapy is doomed to fail whenever it treats mental health issues as just an aberration of thought patterns or chemical imbalance..whatever is wrong with you will allways come back unless you are given the means to change not just yourself but more importantly your circumstances. if that doesn't change you are screwed) , meds(waste of money and just caused more problems). I have fleeting moments of not feeling as bad, pushing all the CRAP behind me, under the carpet for seconds at a time. It's never enough. I still feel the sh it under me even when I'm laughing. I smell it. I sense my failure and despair constantly. I see treatment of mental health issues largely as glorified brainwashing as it's easier to change thought patterns to an established illusory status quo than to actually figure out why so many prople are suffering more and more and try and fix this sad world of Trump, North Korea, poverty, war, cultural- and religious conflict, sexual discrimination, chauvinism, greed, apathy and viciousness. You know what? I don't think we even want to treat each other with respect and equality. it's just not in our genes.

    I am a loser and an epic failure. No, not true. I'm never epic. So I guess I failed at failure too. I get satisfaction from absolutely nothing. I'm constantly dissatisfied with myself and the world. I don't even know what I want. I've never known what to do with myself. I am dead within when I'm not ranting and thinking of how fu cked up I am. How hopeless life is and at my age there is nothing to hope for anyhow. I have no skills or interests. I have no accomplishments. I have little money and I hate my job. I hate me. I despise myself. I want to HURT myself. Not to feel alive but to really hurt myself. So I can tell myself how much I want to punish myself for being stupid, a coward and a weakling. Because it's all I deserve.

    I also hate repeating myself. I used to write a journal as it was supposed to help. It didnt. I realized I was writing the samer crap over and over. Like I am now. It doesn't help ladies and gentlemen. Nothing does. Sometimes we live in hell for all our pathetic, useless lives and there is nothing we can do about it. And no, it doesn't get better eventually. Or actually I do as I believe in neither the biblical hell(which is in our heads) or heaven(never seen proof, not in my head anyhow). After we die there is nothing at all. I'll settle with that. If only I had the courage I'd end this all now.

    I just want to be rid of this sh it called life. And yes I really do want to die. I don't LIKE LIFE. It makes more sense being dead. If you haven't noticed already i am also a nihilist and a pessimist. So there is an element of existentialism in everything I do think or say. I've never seen the point in living I guess.

  20. In short, my journal entry from 4:57 PM today was too good not to post. When I say “you”, I’m referring to my psychologist.
    “I was angry on the walk back here [to my dorm]. I’m not anymore. I was going to write ‘I’m supposed to be angry? FINE! I’m angry!’ I clenched my fists and walked fast and my throat hurt like it does when I’m frustrated. It came from nowhere, like I said. Or if it had to come from somewhere then I guess it came from you. From the fact that I have to see you for something I should handle on my own and that my parents have to pay for it. And now I’m angry again, at myself now. I’m frustrated and ashamed, and if emotions are supposed to tell me something, what the h*** are they telling me?! And I took a break because my crying shook an eyelash loose, and now I’m just tired and primed to cry if I watch the right video. F*** this. And oooh I used a swear word- Shut Up! That was sarcastic if you couldn’t tell. I would be a sarcastic little s*** right now if I actually talked to anybody. Okay, I’m done now. I still feel heavy inside.”
    And rereading that led to this 6:03 PM entry and more crying.
    “I guess, at least sometimes, I say the anger comes out of nowhere because I’m ashamed of where it’s really coming from. Because anger shouldn’t come from those places or be directed at those people. It’s just not right and I’m sorry. I don’t want to be this way. I want to be angry so bad but there’s nothing that deserves my anger. And it scares me, so no. It can’t come back. I’m sorry.”
    And I think that’s all I have to say.

  21. I had a nice Thanksgiving dinner with my family. I love them very much and I`m so grateful to have them. Saying that I couldn`t help but feeling lonely.You see both of my sisters are married and have children. I have none of those thing. Not a partner or children. I couldn`t help but feel alone. But It`s my fault I`m alone. I never put myself out there because of fear of rejection and fear of being hurt. Also I`ve never felt good enough for anybody. I know I don`t need someone else to make me feel complete but I guess I feel left out. I guess what I`m saying is that I would like someone to love. I fear my time has passed now. I think it`s too late for me. Who would want someone like me.? Someone who has a defective brain. I think this illness has taken away all my possibilities and dreams. I don`t think I even have dreams anymore. I never talk to anybody about this stuff in my head. I try to take this day by day. I don`t ask much from life.I would just like to feel happy and secure.