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  • GSpolar

    Does it matter?

    By GSpolar

    What we do matters.   They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply..... 10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously. If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love.   And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.  
    • 16 comments
    • 5,992 views
 

Such a blur

It’s honestly amazing how fast this year has passed. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I’ve been here for over a year. A lot has changed and yet the same things still weigh me down here and there. Progress is still meant to made, but even then I struggle to accomplish that sometimes. I’ve been feeling so lonely lately. Not like the need to be in a relationship with someone, but a close friend to spend time with outside of here. A friend that I could buy gifts for and go on shopping s

MaepleSyrup

MaepleSyrup

 

Made in Britain

Back in the day I was lucky enough to see the gritty and realistic movie ”Made in Britain”. It’s a drama tragedy of a sixteen year old skinhead on a collision course with pretty much everything. Tim Roth is absolutely amazing as the angry young racist skinhead, Trevor. I believe it was his first major role.    I was drawn to the sheer intensity of Trevor. I felt sorry for him and even then I realized I had more in common with him than I would openly admit. I was often confused as a s

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

H. C. Andersen

I am a fake. Not real. What people see isn't me. There isn't a "me".  I don't deserve any thanks or gratification. None of my so called achievements(that have lead me absolutely nowhere with little if any sense of accomplishment) have any meaning or value.  I am always dissatisfied and empty. Nothing feels authentic. Only the anger I harbour is real. The hatred and frustration I feel. The hopelessness. That is authentic. Everything else is just a fairy tale.  

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

Meds Update / Walking Update

So I basically have not been walking.  I've been on Hydroxyzine for about a year now, for my anxiety. Before that I was taking Benadryl.  The Benadryl was not cutting it, and I'd been trying in vain with that for years.  My doc (not psychiatrist, family doc/GP) finally started me on Hydroxyzine, and the help has been tremendous.  It cuts my anxiety by at least 90% on non trigger days.  When I'm triggered, it helps dampen what I feel by about 75% - so the effectiveness goes down somewhat, but it
 

Week of Wed, October 23rd

Okay, I am failing. Miserably.  I have been so down and so exhausted.  I really think my exhaustion is partly my body not having nearly constant anxiety/adrenaline coursing through it, for nearly a year now.  The last couple months I have been really fragging exhausted.  I know I'm out of shape, but it feels like a deeper exhaustion than that.  And I think it is also partly my body just being tired of the spring time change and not being able to hack it anymore. It has been increasingly difficul
 

Who Am I?

I was thinking this morning about recognizing myself - or not.  I hate getting ready in the morning, because when I look in the mirror, I feel like I"m putting makeup on a stranger.  I feel no attachment to who I see there. I know from experience that what I see is 'me', but it means absolutely nothing.  So I got to thinking, what does represent me?  What image, avatar, etc do I recognize as 'me' when I look at it?  I thought about my avatar here - Nope.  Not me.  I thoug
 

Boxhead

Out of nowhere I found myself thinking about events that occurred in my life nearly 40 years ago.  It happens time to time. Sometimes I dream of being in the classroom, wondering why am I still here?? I hated my teens. I hated the awkwardness, the acne, the inner turmoil - the bullying.  As if the 80’s wasn’t bad enough. It was music that ultimately kept me alive, if one could call this living..  One could argue that without the angst of Thatcherism and Reaganism a

samadhiSheol

samadhiSheol

 

More thoughts on positive quotes

This is how I attempt to overcome the negative thoughts that keep repeating in my head. So for today's quotes and thoughts: Stop thinking about everything so much,  you're breaking your own heart. Don't expect to get what you give, not everyone has a heart like you. I think that is part of my problem. I give and give and get nothing back. Then I think and think about what I give and what I get and my heart breaks. I get disappointed and then I lose hope and trust in peop

nojoy

nojoy

 

I Am

I am, a lot of things. I am struggling. I am lost. I know I am not alone in this, even though it often feels like I am. I am unique, and capable of things that no one else is. I belittle what I do, I deny what others see in me. I focus only on where I fail. I have an illness that eats at my soul - I am blessed with perspective, because of this. I am not lazy. I am not slow. I am not stupid. I exist. I think. I feel. I am growing. I am learning. I am pouring my

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

Thoughts and Emotions

--- There is nothing in this world that can trouble you more than your own thoughts. So true. My own thoughts have nearly sent me over the edge. Not the thoughts of the future but the thoughts of the past. I try to relive and change the past in my thoughts. The couldas, shouldas and wouldas haunt me often . I  try hard to push them away and not let the thoughts of the past control my present. But the thoughts of the past keep surfacing. I have to keep pushing them away for my own sake. Whic

nojoy

nojoy

 

Lifting myself up

It doesn’t matter that you’re being suppressed because they are flawed and insecure. You’re in control of your emotions. The only thing that matters is how you judge yourself inside your head and how you understand where you’re going and how you’re gonna do it and how long you have to get there. Because all the things that are being thrown at you on a daily basis that makes you judge yourself in the short term don’t matter. -Gary Vaynerchuk
 

Quotes that make me think

"You don't always need a  plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens." Life is scary for me if I don't have a plan or at least some idea of what the worst could happen.  I have learned to breathe through the overthinking and negative thoughts. I've been hurt too many times to trust. I am learning there are a few people I can trust with some thoughts and feelings. Let Go and See What Happens!!   Whoa, that is a major step. I'm not sure that I

nojoy

nojoy

 

Epic Fail

Well, like everything else in my pathetic life, my attempt at getting back into an exercise regime has completely failed. I really don't have the desire. I'm tired of being out of shape but I can't convince myself to do anything about it. Work is just one frustrating event after another. I'm sick of dealing with the pettiness of the employees I'm supposed to manage. I'm a hands-off style manager and rarely ask much of them. But right now, I need to reassign some responsibilities and I've ru

JD4010

JD4010

 

Another new thought

I keep seeing these quotes on facebook. And sometimes one will stick in my thoughts. So I have found that if I write about what I think of the quotes, it helps me in a good way. Today's quote:                 "You're not being selfish for wanting to be treated well" I wonder how many of us with depression have been brainwashed into believing that others should come first and our feelings don't matter and it doesn't matter how we are treated. I was taught that my entire life.

nojoy

nojoy

 

Shikata ga nai

Shikata ga nai            If you can't do anything about it, let it go.   Good advice, but I have found that I cannot let things go because of the depression/anxiety. Those two demons won't allow me to let go of the past. I just have to keep trying to change the way I responded to situations, things I should have, could have done and can't change now. Those thoughts won't help me when I encounter similar situations.  Those were my thoughts in the past. Today, I challenge myself to

nojoy

nojoy

 

Week of Wed, October 16th

I'm hoping I'm starting to be on the tail end of this utter exhaustion thing.  All I want to do is sleep.  I've been on Hydroxyzine/Atarax for about a year now, and I wonder if part of my exhaustion is just the absence of constant low level anxiety, punctuated with bouts of anxiety or panic attack.  It doesn't feel like 'depression tired' - does that make sense?  The exhaustion is physical, and affects my mental energy, as opposed to exhaustion being mental and affecting my physical energy.  I"m
 

taking it in

I'm trying to hold on, but it's not easy. I'm trying to carry my burdens, and I'm trying to carry plenty that I shouldn't have to. I'm meant to be the strength that holds people up, and I'm taking the weight of their troubles, and piling it on mine... I'll be the good guy, or I'll be the bad guy.... I'll be whatever their emotional state says I am. I'm just here trying to help... and if I'm the bad guy... so be it, I guess. But you've got to understand that I've got an illness that fla

MrMisery

MrMisery

 

lesson learned

I read this on facebook.                               Biggest lesson learned this year is probably                                    to not give so much of yourself to people who                                   will not do the same for you. Unfortunately,  I was taught it is my place in the world to take care of others. That it is also better to give than receive.  It is also difficult to put myself first. After a year and a half of therapy, I see that I have been d

nojoy

nojoy

 

life goes on part 2

As I said before life goes on whether we want it to or not. Some days are better than others and some days aren't worth getting out of bed. I did the chair yoga class last evening and got a workout that wore me out.  What did I do when I got home...fixed something to eat then look through the forums and fell asleep in the chair, woke up about 12:30 am, went to bed and slept til 10 am. I have never felt this relaxed in forever. So for me today, life is going good.  If I could average 4

nojoy

nojoy

 

life goes on

Life goes on, doesn't it? It doesn't matter if you suffer from a mental or physical disorder. life goes on. Somedays it seems that I can get on board with what life brings and somedays I have to give in. most days I give in. when I tried to go along with what life brings, the anxiety ramps up which leads to the depression  going up. sometimes it either a day of depression or a day of anxiety or a day of both. I ask questions and get no answers. I say one thing and everyone assumes something dras

nojoy

nojoy

 

Contact...

Misha Collins put what is ostensibly his phone # up on twitter, and asked people to text him.  This was about a week or so ago I think.  I found it earlier this week (I don't know why I even have Twitter, I never check it, I was curious I guess.  Hubby described Twitter as 'a crowd of people all shouting their own conversation, and unless you are a celebrity, you don't get heard', or something to that effect.  I have not seen anything to convince me otherwise...) Anyway, you would think thi
 

Long Overdue Update

Hi All, Sorry it has been a while since I have been online, I've been thinking about you and this place while I have not been around. Things have definitely changed with me. I am now Married to Megan, we got back together a few months ago, the both of us were so unhappy with the isolation and separation BUT we both identified some things about ourselves and each other that make us unhappy. I think the break did us both a world of good. We got married while we are in Australia. We decid

Ratvan

Ratvan

 

lost of a supportive friend

I met a lady who was having similar problems and we seem to hit it off. For a few months we talked back in forth online. We both had major changes in our lives. Hers was positive, mine negative. Now it appears that I have lost another person who has had enough of my drama. I will miss her very much. I am glad she has moved on and her life has improved. She deserves every happiness that has come her way. I will miss her. She was probably the only person I have ever truly expressed my thoughts to.

nojoy

nojoy

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