What we do matters.
They are real souls, the 10 people who are watching DF, who are so scared of the stigma, imprisoned at 'home' to such a degree, or hurting so deeply.....10 are watching at any given moment for every 1 who dared to even sign up anonymously.
If you read this, you probably have encouraged at least one person anonymously, with nothing to gain, just out of love. And for every 1, there were really 10, check out 'Activity/All Users' to see for yourself.
How terrible is a disease that 10 are afraid to admit it for every 1 who does.....How valuable is even one note of encouragement, 1 genuine hug. Multiply your hugs by 10........You're changing outcomes of life, you really are
I just got in from a quick evening out, a couple of girls on my floor were going out for the night. Both lovely and I had a nice couple of hours chatting and laughing. Both were dressed up to the nines so was clear that they're out for the whole night. We have S who is like a monkey with a miniature symbol that is powered exponentially. Honestly like 100 words a minute constantly. Hilarious but exhausting.
Next is Z, honestly beautiful. I don't know if this happens to you but they smile and you feel unworthy. Really down to earth and a wicked sense of humour.
We briefly chatted about me moving in, when it started to seem like it would get awkward the topic changed to something naturally lighter. It was nice, natural and relaxed. I seemed like me, the me I liked, it's like the last 5 years never happened for a few hours.
So the evening wore on and I noticed people getting more and more wrecked and decided to call it a night. Despite the pleadings of the girls I left and I just got in and feel that maybe leaving early was a mistake. I was having a good night, I didnt feel uncomfortable but decided to quit while I was ahead.
Medative thought for the day: Does alcohol still control me if I have sworn it off?
Just learned that the bass player of our favorite local band died suddenly. He was maybe 30 years old. If it weren't for his band, me and my fiance never would have met or fallen in love. I am SO sad. I'm in shock -- we all are. The wake is Monday and the whole family of friends will be there. This is unbelievably sad. We even talked with him about playing at our wedding party. 😢
I woke up this morning in a very strange place, it took a few minutes to realise where I was and fear and sadness crashed into me with the knowledge that I had moved out. I pushed it aside and got up, used the punch bags around the house, showered and fed Ouro.
I've been up and about shopping for bed linens, duvets, pillows, towels, pans and baking trays you know everyday stuff that I didn't have. Met one of my neighbours on my way back in. Apparently the people on the floor have a get together on a monthly basis and I've been invited to the next gathering. I got a few weeks yet before that. She seems very nice and very animated and our conversation left me exhausted.
I didn't expect to feel so low so soon
Hi all, I plan on making this as realistic and as brutally honest as I can. I need to know how I feel and look back and reflect on this. I'm trying to avoid rose tinting and negativity. Subgetivity is the key.
**a prefix. When I get angry or passionate my written language mirrors my spoken language. So if you cant read my dialect please let me know and I'll try and change it. I know we have people whose native language is not english**
So tonight is the first night in over 11 years that I have been alone. I've been in my studio flat for about 2 hours now and have everything of mine inside and the essentials unpacked.
1st thoughts are "f#@k me I need to get some soft furnishings". So after laughing, probably sounding insane to my neighbours. Instantly it strikes me that I have nothing to make my life comfortable. I need a bed sheet set, new towels, pillows, and probably more stuff will crop up.
I basically took my clothes, Ouro complete with tank, phone and some of my hobbies that have been packed away for years. Thankfully the apartment is furnished. And I cleaned the place top to bottom yesterday. It took about 4 hours.
For those wondering, Ouro has settled in perfectly although he does need a rest from the stress. So managed to picture him as he was doing just that. Love this little guy, when I rescued him his fins were so damaged and severely bitten. If you look carefully near his body (bullet shape) you can see where his scars are (at the edge of the ridges) also his dorsal fin was missing completely apart from a bare ridge. He was very very close to death. That was 3 months ago now. He reminds me that no matter how bad things get it is possible to recover. I love this guy. He is my 3rd betta and look forward to many food years.
So I don't have TV or Internet yet so have got the time and the space to think about what I write here.
I love Megan to pieces, this is the hardest thing that I have done to date as I feel like at the moment I am blocking myself off from the small amount of joy I get in my life. But we are not happy and I need to do this for me. This is a short break, we don't plan on contact unless an emergency arises. We're meeting up in a neutral place in 3 weeks to chat.
Just needed to get the objective of this down, it will help me keep everything in perspective. Well that's the plan anyway. My next task for the night is to set up my punch bags. Then go for a run in the snow, workout for a bait, Ouro time, shower, use tea towels to dry myself, sleep with a coat blanke!
Medative thought for tonight. I need to look forward more than I look back.
I am sharing a photo today. I am not expecting 'likes' or comments. If I wanted those I would have shared the photo on Fb or Instagram. But I didn't.
The reason I wanted to share my picture is that it made me think a lot today about how we control what kind of a picture we want to give other people about our lives.
You know I haven't been well for a long time. Yesterday was a disaster but today is better. I believe that how you start your day will determine the rest of your day. I should use that more only if I had strenght to do so.
Anyways, I forced myself to do something I haven't done much lately - to take care of myself. I washed my face, brushed my hair and put on make-up to feel pretty. From the outside I turned to a different person. That got me thinking how deceiving the looks can be. I mean would you have guessed the girl in the picture wrote a s*icide letter yesterday? Would you believe she has scars of selfharm all over her body? That she couldn't get off the bed yesterday and hasn't brushed her teeth for three days?
If I posted the picture in social media I wouldn't use hastags like #depression #mentalillness #bipolar or #selfharm. No, I would use hastags like #happy #friday #finnishgirl and no-one would ever know the truth. I am grateful for all those people who has courage to work for mental illness awareness. I am not brave. I share pretty picture and fool everybody. That's what I do.
You can't make assumptions by how a person looks like. We all wear masks and decide how much we show. Some are braver than others. Someone who looks nice outside could be struggling everyday for her/his life.
How much do you reveal?
I want to be strong. I want to get through this, like it was nothing.
Too many people that I love have been falling down over these past few years. I guess the people I get closest to tend to push limits, and that results in some pretty impressive downfalls. This has bothered me for a long time, and when at my best I think of building my company to a point where I can employ people like this. Give some security, a net that will catch them. And the empathy to know what it's like. And the support to shoot for the ****ing stars when life swings that way.
It's a whimsical idea, but I think I'll get there soon enough.
I want to be the guy who did amazing things, and who does them routinely day to day, like it's nothing, and did it with burdens no one knew about. I want to make myself an example to those I love, that things can be done and that our limits are far beyond where we think they are.
Then I fall down so low that survival is a ****ing horrific fight from hour to hour. It's messy and it's ugly and I don't know if I can keep my head above the water.
It's hard, and I've gotten to a point where I know I can't take this weight alone. But I'm not capable of sharing my burden, because that's not who I am.
Work out, work, be good to be people, sleep, wake up and go again. I guess I've proven that as hard as it's been I have been capable of keeping that up, so maybe I need to improve my diet a bit, and get out a bit more. Every inch in the right direction counts, and if I keep taking another inch then maybe getting through this will seem achievable, someday soon.
I can’t make up my mind! I’m browsing but I already own a near perfect dress for a beach wedding. All traditional styles don’t suit me. I found a few online I fell in love with, but I can’t buy it online, even with it custom made, can I?? I’m just in a dilemma and am not sure what I want!
Here's the headpiece I may wear! And the dress!
I think I fell through a time warp yesterday.....
Am I the only one who has those pop up randomly?
Somehow I didn't get much done except reading and messing around online.
I didn't even look at reports and stuff from here that really need attention. And, I didn't go walking either. So my first week of having to walk three days a week, and I failed. I'm wondering if I need to revise my schedule back some.
It's so hard to make myself do things, even things I end up enjoying somewhat as or after I do them. What is up with that, by the way? I mean, really, WTAF (What The Actual F*ck?). You would think that, oh, I don't know, enjoying something to even a mild degree would be enough motivation to do it. But no. Not idiot me.
I'm tired of always feeling like a failure, and always only seeing my mistakes even when others say I've done well. And my anxiety over this mistake I made at work is getting more difficult to control. I've had to wait about two weeks to talk to the appropriate people & 'own up', and I don't do well when that happens. If it weren't for the anxiety meds, I'd be probably at a solid 3.5 out of 5 right now on the Richter Scale of Anxiety/Panic. 5 is a solid severe panic attack that makes me think I'm having a heart attack. 1 is normal, 'gotta get to work on time & remember to pay that bill today' anxiety.
I'm working really hard to hold it down to a 2.5 - I think that's why it's been so difficult to motivate to walk. Even though walking helps my anxiety - sort of. My earbuds don't work right, so I can't listen to Gojira like I usually do, and so my mind wanders and the walk tends to end up as an anxiety session.
Earbuds are cheap, but I'm not worth spending money on. I barely even spend money on getting myself a haircut or hairstyle twice a year, and trust me, my hair needs a trim or taming at least every other month. I have long, frizzy, crazy-cat-lady hair right now. But when I think about taking a shower, or styling my hair, it just feels like climbing Mount Everest. You know?
I don't go in for all that girly stuff like makeup and styles and painted nails, and I never have. It's sort of a combo of not feeling attached to my own body and caring more about my thought life than my real life. I know that explanation s*cks, but it's the best I can do. Like anyone really cares, anyway. I write because maybe someone out there will think 'Thank God I'm not the only one'.
I made a new post for New Years 2019 but lost it 😕. It talked about my gains ( paleo diet, work enjoyment, zero shopping/browsing except food, hygge nook, feeling close with sisters, enjoying cats, reading books more, added dancing to ukulele at Norfolk, cannabis oil, Kondo Mari method, political engagement, Netflix, cut cable, Apple Music, bullet journaling didn’t last but it was a good exercise, especially the daily chore list - it’s given me a base to get back to when I get off track (which I do) it gives me that feeling of moving forward albeit slowly when I’m at a low point. Routine, routine is my new mantra. My diet is routine too. Morning meds, coffee then juice then eggs, need to find a good afternoon snack besides cheese and endurance crackers, easy suppers that last 3meals. Lots of meal prep.
this routine business is good in many ways but I’m cutting myself off from social activities which also has its drawbacks. I seem to be looking for the perfect schedule 😐
plots of good stuff but feeling anxiety about management at work, especially missing pay. Need to resolve, hate confrontation and am wondering why they are making this difficult for me. On purpose? This sort of thing brings me down from my feelings of well being. Makes me think the doctor that said I have problems with stress(wish I could find that piece of paper she gave me- can’t remember the term she used) anyhow, I am procrastinating on resolving. Feeling the stress in my stomach. And then mad at myself for being so weak 👿 up and down, up and down. This is when I feel as if I don’t have a chemical imbalance, it’s more about my inability to navigate normal stress.
also worrying about money again and feel like I need to get second job. Just typing that makes me anxious 😟 Was feeling great about lifestyle until I wasn’t. It all comes crashing down sooner or later. I feel I have it together finally ( this is it - true happiness and then bam)
low energy, lots of time indoors, partly because of cloudy weather. Enjoying hygge but also feel guilty. Good day,bad day ...more like good minute, bad minute ...
My life is ugly. Cooking a dinner was my only achievement today. That was too almost an impossible task. Just like getting off a bed. I sat there on a stool in front of a stove because I was simply too weak to stand.
While I sat there and waited the dinner cooking I explored a fridge door. Lots of hideous souvenir magnets: New York, Barcelona, Washington DC, London, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Alanya and a Cruise liner to Stockholm. Most of them feel like forever ago and most of them are. Was that really my life back then? How different things are now.
The hideous souvenir magnets are holding lot of papers. The papers of my chaotic life. My life truly is in chaos right now. Three schedules of all my kids, some dental papers, kids' appointments, an old family photo and some coupons. All my life there pinned on the fridge door, past and now. Happy moments and chaos.
I stir my cooking and study my left palm. I find some deep lines. I remember they all have a name but the only one I can recall is Life Line. I'm not sure which one is the Life Line. Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? I grasp a knife from a dishwasher. The knife is shiny and quite new. Also sharp. I've hold a knife before like this. Wanting and thirsting. I press the tip of the knife on my left palm and make a cut, a new Life Line. There is so little life in me righ now, I need another Life Line. I don't actually believe in that sh*t. I just wanted to feel a steel blade cut my skin. Simply as that.
I watch the blood. It's magnetic. The cut is more like a scratch. It won't leave a scar. It will heal quickly like it never was there. The kids are behind a wall in a living room. My husband is behind other wall in a shower. I sit on the stool in a messy kitchen string the food and looking at my new Life Line. Nothing moves inside me. I don't feel. This is my life today.
I'm embarrassed to talk about this, but hoping I can get into one of the forums here to talk about some stuff going on in my life right now that needs to be dealt with before it gets worse. So funny, and ironic, that there's nothing online about it unless you pay (forums included) so I wonder... if it's such a problem among people, why is there no help out there for free?
I ate spaghetti tonight. And ate too much. My stomach is almost distinted (however you spell it) because of it. Lately I've been out of what so terribly. I haven't been walking like usual; I haven't been eating my fruits enough. I've had a problem with something that I cannot talk about right here right now, yet. I feel like I'm gaining weight after I tried so hard to lose it.
I've been freezing my pop drinks all day today. Sam's cola, then Mountain citrus (Like Pepsi and Mountain Dew except 3 dollars less). I've had to pee a lot today too. But I guess that's good. Keep it flowing. Mom bought me some grapes the other day and they weren't due to be old until tomorrow, but yesterday they were molded and pussed. Gross. We paid $4.22 for them. Got 'em at IGA. I guess I'll have to go to Kroger or Walmart for them then. IGA's stuff is gone yuck. I like to dip my fruits in the cream cheese fruit dip. It's so good, but I must use it wisely, not put as much on my fruits as I have been. It'll cause me to gain even more weight.
I'm burning Egyptian Musk and Nag Champa incenses now. I got a new burner in the mail today. It's huge! It fits about 15 sticks at once, if you wanted to use all of it, but I wouldn't do that. Not in a small area. I usually use two at a time, and sometimes mix the scents, as long as they go together.
Found a magazine online that I wanted to get in print form. However, I thought it would be once a month and it's only quarterly. I paid $19.99. I should have made sure how many I'd get first. I guess it would be like paying $5.00 a magazine, now. Oh well. It's called Light of Consciousness. It's a New-Age type magazine with lots of stuff about Yoga and meditation.
Today I felt a sense of JOY most of the day. Usually I only feel the JOY for about 2 seconds, then it leaves me in sorrow and despair again. I don't know what's different, but I think the Universe is keeping the bad away from me. I noticed I rarely time-travelled today (going mentally into past or future). Maybe that's why. I need to stay and be present at all times. *CLAP* Present!!
I hope everyone's doing okay/good. I tried to upload a video on my other post's comments, but it hasn't been approved by a moderator yet. I thought it would just bring some smiles for you guys.
Thank you all for being here. Remember, you are loved and needed. NO matter what your feelings tell you. I'll notice if you're ever gone. Trust me. You are loved and needed, always.
Things haven't improved for me during the last couple of days. I spend most of my day in bed. I get up in the morning and go back to bed as soon as the kids have left for school. I stay in bed all day except when I get up to make dinner.
The weather has been amazing but I don't go out. Kids have been asking me to take them skating or skiing but I have no energy. It's so pretty outside and I love winter and snow but I am missing all winter fun. Maybe I feel better next month.
My doctor called me today. I met my therapy contact yesterday and she asked the doctor to call me. The doctor wasn't willing to make any changes to my medication but we talked about ECT. We decided to continue ect. I am very happy with that because it really did help me, it just ended too soon. I am hopeful now that things will get better for me and this year will be succesful for me in many ways.
I was talking to a friend I had been with as a girlfriend for a little while... we broke it up after a week, but I'm very nervous to talk to her, but she seems to be doing very well, and I'm glad, very very happy for her. She is smiling in her pictures, and with a new guy, and I am sincerely so happy for her. She needed someone decent for her.
I walked 10 minutes today. I'm getting back into exercise. I wish I could stick with it. Everyday.
My eyes need checked. I have trouble to see my closed captions on t.v. Hmm.
Kinda depressed but kinda excited, also kinda dopey today. I feel a million feelings at once. I felt joy earlier and it lasted longer than the usual 2 seconds. I want to get it back and keep it forever.
I guess I don't understand the potentially negative nature of obsession very well. I feel like I am sometimes 'inordinately preoccupied' with Misha Collins, and sometimes Karl Urban. But mostly Misha. When I am overly preoccupied with him, it is generally because I have 'trained' my anxiety to focus on something relatively harmless in comparison to what it wants to obsess over - my mistakes, ad nauseum & quia in aeturnum, amen. 😑 (that last is latin for 'for forever').
I suppose for some people, there is great difficulty in focusing on anything that is not their 'Misha', and for some, that can be a profoundly negative experience.
I just know that thinking about Misha or Karl is vastly and inestimably preferable to having all my 'manifold sins and wickedness' (read mistakes) play on eternal repeat in my head.
Do you like how I've swallowed a thesaurus here? I must be somewhat more discomfited than I thought, because that's what happens when I get flustered, LOL. The words get longer. On the page it's somewhat artificial, but not by much. On the page I have time to think, but I still pretty much write whatever comes into my head at the time. Sort of modified stream of consciousness writing. (stream of consciousness, ie James Joyce' Ulysses, a headache I have yet to tackle).
And funnily enough, I have yet to get back to watching Supernatural. I am far too connected to Castiel to watch someone else play around with his life. (read: have the writers torture me). I haven't watched since before Christmas. I don't understand how I can do that. Obsess over an actor but not watch the show he's primarily known for and my favorite character. I don't even want to meet him, TBH.
Interacting with people IRL is one of my phobias - actual phobia. As in, avoiding unnecessary interactions interferes with my life. I don't socialize outside of my family. Period. I work in a library, which I feel is as quiet as you can get in a 'service industry' job. I would far prefer a factory job, but those are not available right now, and I cannot jeopardize my job. It taxes me to a degree I cannot explain to have to 'people' every day. Like that Castiel meme where he is talking about how whatever he's about to do will apparently require 'interacting with people' and his 'people skills are a little rusty'. I avoid grocery store trips whenever possible, and generally even then do not get out without taking Hubby with me at least 80% of the time.
It's called 'anthropophobia' and the medical definition is a 'pathological fear of people or human companionship'. I am convinced that being forced to interact relatively deeply with co-workers that I would not choose to interact with ordinarily on a daily basis exacerbates my tendency to feel disconnected from myself, my emotions, and my family. It is not something that 'gets easier' with exposure. Interacting with patrons does not bother me nearly as much, because there are certain 'rules' that govern those interactions. When patrons do not act in a way that is consistent with those 'rules', I am prone to anxiety attacks. We have a semi-regular visitor who I believe is possibly schizoid, and his behavior is generally somewhat erratic, though never violent (so far). I generally end up having a low level anxiety attack when he comes in, because his behavior does not conform to the typical 'rules' that govern patron-employee interactions. I also find myself profoundly at sea and profoundly confused about what to do or when to step in when he interacts with other patrons.
So actually meeting Misha Collins would be more along the lines of a 'waking nightmare' than a 'dream come true'. But that would be true even of my favorite authors. Even meeting some of you DFers intimidates me. It takes a relative sh*t-ton of courage for me to even reach out via email to one of you. Skyping visually is utterly out of the question still, but I am getting used to regular text-like interactions with some staff members I work with. I still cannot even think about chat either, because the 'real time' interaction level is waaay too much like face to face convos. And you guys are by and large unfailingly encouraging, so I know it's not you - it's my phobia, utterly and completely. Interacting online or via text feels more 'real' to me than face to face interactions. I guess that should be no surprise, considering that I generally feel so 'disconnected' during those interactions.
I really need to get into therapy for it, though. Not to get rid of it necessarily, but to help me find ways to cope. That sense of disconnect is so profound and so consistent through my entire life that I feel like it is more an expression of my personality than a type of faulty coping mechanism, does that make sense? There isn't any 'traumatic event' to 'cause' this - this sense of disconnect goes back to before I have conscious memories, and is reflected in what my parents have recounted to me of my behavior.
Wow, apparently this is a 'thing' for me - didn't realize I natter on and on about it, LOL. Here's Misha.....
I started this blog on my first day of implementing my new year's resolution via The Mighty's 52 Small Steps program. I just realized I need some sort of concrete measuring point - something I can point to and say 'this proves I was successful', or an overall goal that everything works towards. So I've decided that my overall goal is to lose weight and improve the shape I'm in. I won't use numbers here, but it is easily in the mid double digits. I'm not sure how to measure the 'improve the shape I'm in' part. Maybe signing up for a marathon or something next year, like the OKC Memorial Marathon in April next year. I don't think I'll be jogging it, but I'd like to be able to at least walk it without hip pain after the first mile and quarter. I've decided that for my 'walk three times a week, I'll be walking Sunday, Wednesday, & Friday. Having specific days helps me stick to it. Hopefully later this evening I will be editing this post to add that I went on my walk after work.
Edit 1/10 to add: Yes, I did go walking yesterday evening after work - I stayed out for 20 minutes and went just over 1.1 miles. 👏 ✨ 😉
I know the following post makes no coherent sense, but that's really where my mind is right now. A million thoughts swimming around my head, battling with each other and screaming to be the thought that's heard. It's a mess, and so am I.
Fighting the fight isn't always glorious. Most frequently, it's not, and it feels like losing every step of the way until you look back on it when it's done.
Whilst that's the way things feel right now, I guess that's the same story as my life. Lots of battling and feeling like you're losing, and then you realise that you've done everything you set out to do and much, much more. This is what winning feels like, this is what victory feels like, this is what I made all of the sacrifices for... and I feel like this.
It's really tempting to give up, and I am heavily impaired by these thoughts and this illness, but I'm not going to cry in defeat. If I weep, it'll be with my feet dragging me forwards.
There is a better day coming, there is everything I've been fighting for and it's just around the corner, and I'm going to get there, and I'm not going to waste it.
The definition of insanity may be repeating the same task over and over again and expecting a different result, but **** the world, perseverance is most of what I have to offer and I'll spend every last bit of it.
I slept all day yesterday! Missed everything. Even missed getting a package, so we had to go to the ups store and get it. I got a book. I was collecting books by this author this month.
I feel like the Universe is making up for lost time with me. I turned on my xbox to watch youtube. Watching vids by Edge of Wonder. They were talking about Prophecy and Messiah. Then the next video that came on was about Enlightenment. I was like... wow! They even mentioned Siddhartha... a book I actually got several months ago... er, last year sometime rather, and it's about Buddha, I believe. I got out the book again because I've not read it, but I was looking for another book that was like The Alchemist. So that might be my next story to read. I like to read a STORY book and read another book similar to it at the same time... so the new book I got today would be perfect because it talks about choosing a path in life and what to expect on a more magical path. Enlightening path. Ya know?
I had some pretty weird dreams last night and yesterday. None I can remember enough to put into words though. I hate when it's like that, because I have great dreams to talk about, just my memory isn't good enough on the details. I got some Ginko Biloba. Maybe I should take it for a while and see if that don't improve. 🙂
....Which means I should probably not say anything until I get my thoughts together, huh? I'm trying to get used to the idea of expressing my thoughts and feelings, and even having feelings if that doesn't sound crazy enough. I feel like I spend most of my day stuffing things. Like the song in Frozen, 'conceal, don't feel'..... I think I might have missed taking my meds this morning... I can't remember for sure. I think I need to break down and get one of those daily pill things. This tends to happen more often when I'm stressed and need the meds the most. Hopefully I can keep it together this morning and keep my mouth shut. Anxiety makes me talkative and assertive, so I really have to work overtime to make sure I"m not speaking out of turn.
Here's Misha. I love his craziness, mainly because I could never in a million years feel comfortable enough to be that unapologetically odd. It's something to aspire to.