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audiosultan

Lexapro 4 Weeks Help!

92 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Lynn,

You are talking to the choir. I remember my sis, whom I love to bits, saying to me about how her shower in the morning was her means of kinda cheering herself up. I actually told her a few months ago that in my state, I couldn't relate one bit, but now of course can see it ... thats why I love swimming now. But back in the void, might as well have been talking to the wall.

Sometimes, to reflect what you said earlier, I wonder how I ended up repeatedly in the void. I think I have learnt but it has been a lesson I wouldn't want to go through again.

A great vid to watch on YT is Alexander Solomon's The secret we share. In it, he explains depression as a loss of vitality. If you watch it, have a cushion behind your head as you will be nodding excessively in agreement with what he says.

The one lesson I did learn is that we are not alone at all and must be prepared not only to help others, but also to ask for help as well.

Every day that ye are here on this planet, ye are getting stronger. Ye may not see it, but ye are.

Stonium

Edited by StoniumFrog

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Posted

Thank you for your responses. Yes I feel like depression makes me feel this way, definitely. Just so hopeless about the future. It's definitely not a great idea to dwell on these thoughts, but on the other hand I feel like I need to think about my life, I need to start actually doing things. One thing at a time and not big things. Just small little achievements that keep me occupied. I an fed up with constantly being on Youtube on my phone watching prank videos and stuff. I had a few days of at least playing online poker but I didn't have patience and lost a few bucks, but at least I felt that excitement and adrenalin rush... Somekind of a flow feeling. But it's not something productive it's just a game. And although it's thrilling, I feel like I don't want to do it because it's basically gambling. And it has this short-term pleasure and I feel guilty playing it, even though I only lost about 20 bucks or so.

The other thing I do is drawing. I like it and it keeps me occupied but it gets boring after a while. But it's good to get the drawings framed and I like decorating my room with them. I suppose it's good that at least I'm thinking about doing stuff. And thinking about what's going on in my life. Hopefully I will get better, but I feel like I'm at my lowest and it's so hard to feel hope for the future. Thanks a lot for the support! :)

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Posted

Hi Audiosultan,

stonium and LynnC are completely right - the meds and the disease are sucking it all out of you right now. My partner always tells me 'don't take your temperature when you're feeling bad' - meaning, don't try to assess your life, make decisions, evaluate etc...

And he struggled through 15 years untreated OCD and different meds before an AWESOME psychiatrist essentially cured him.

I'm doing the same thing now, worrying about the year ahead, what I'll do with my life (now kids almost at school), all the mistakes I've made, and I can't imagine quite how other people do it - get excited about things, choose jobs, work at projects etc. But once I'm out of this, I won't remember feeling this way - and hopefully neither will you.

I tell my family depression is a flesh-eating virus of the brain - you can't think right when the thing you use to think is broken. You will get better. You will feel different. There are so many people on here you felt as you do and have recovered their confidence about life.

Keep drawing, do whatever works, and you'll get through it. It really sucks you have to go through this and I am so sorry for anyone who's had to stand at the edge of abyss. It is just horrible.

Sorry for this strange ramble but hang in there,

it's great we all have these forums.

best

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Posted

Thank you Sanguine. Yeah you're absolutely right about the part when u said we shouldn't make any decisions and shouldn't think about what we wanna do in our lives because depression distorts everything, and it's super hard to be rational and cool about stuff. Because just everything feels totally hopeless.

Yesterday I lost like 150 bucks playing poker. I felt horrible afterwards. But it's okay now, I'm over it. I don't think i'm gonna play anymore. It makes me short tempered and angry. I think I'm gonna try and relax a bit.

Since I currently don't have a therapist, I sort of use this forum as a therapy and I write everything down.. Just like a journal. So sometimes I might be off-topic and it might seem a bit selfish that I'm writing about my personal stuff, so sorry about it. But I just feel like it helps. And I feel like I need help. I just don't have the energy to to to therapy now. I think I will go though. It will help to reintegrate into life.

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Posted

I'm feeling so alone in this. I really need to occupy myself with something.. To keep my mind off how miserable I'm feeling. How are you guys doing today?

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Posted

I'm so so. I'm filling in for someone at my old job for a few hours and am nervous...i just feel so defeated by this illness. I feel so alone as well and just vulnerable and I hate hate that feeling. I find myself taking small trips out of the house for silly reasons just to force myself to get out, it's really a struggle for me right now. Between the depression and anxiety it's awful. Audiosultan write on...we're all here to help and be each others support (without a co-pay :). Everything feels so hopeless and the future looks bleak. I'm scared ill never be the person I once was 5 months ago, ever again...does anyone else feel this way? Like my brain is rewired in a totally different way. I watched that Andrew Solomon youtube video on depression...pretty accurate.

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Posted

I've been depressed for szch a long time now that I don't even remember what kind of a person I really am. I really hate this. And I lost a 100 bucks again. Which is just horrible, and I need to stop playing online poker. It makes me angry and upset. But I know i am playing because the general lack of excitement in my life. And even if I lost a lot of money I don't really care, because I am staying at home and have been for such a long time that I don't even get to spending money at all. So at least i'm losing some. Lol. I really really hate myself and I'm so fed up with everything.

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Posted

I am beginning to get really really impatient. This might be a side effect or it's just me being completely fed up with my situation. I just don't know what to do with myself. I need to relax but I can't. :(

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Posted

I took a 0.25 pill of xanax. I was so restless and jittery. This might be a side effect. I started to feel that I can't do anything but playing poker, which I needed to stop due to losing money. So I stopped but I felt I can't concentrate on drawing and I can't do anything with myself and I can't relax. So I hope it's gonna be better. I feel like I really want the energy to get out of the apartment to do stuff, but I just don't have it. I hate this. I go out for a walk and then all my energy is gone for the rest of the day. I really hope it will get better because I can't take this for long. It's so debilitating.

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Posted

Audiosultan yeah I had to take a xanax last night at midnight...anxiety was bad. I hope it's going to be better too...I feel like I'm not asking for much just to feel human again. I will so not take my mental state for granted ever again. How has your day been going? I'm impatient as well. I feel like I'm constantly looking at other people just wishing I felt as good as they do or thinking if they know how lucky they are to not go about their day thinking of their depression 24/7...it consumes every thought.

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Posted

Arman how did your first day of work go?

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Posted

Audiosultan yeah I had to take a xanax last night at midnight...anxiety was bad. I hope it's going to be better too...I feel like I'm not asking for much just to feel human again. I will so not take my mental state for granted ever again. How has your day been going? I'm impatient as well. I feel like I'm constantly looking at other people just wishing I felt as good as they do or thinking if they know how lucky they are to not go about their day thinking of their depression 24/7...it consumes every thought.

I know exactly that feeling of looking at other people and thinking about how damn lucky they are for not having to deal with major depression. I think about how thankful I'd be just to be normal. And I see all those people from my terrace and I think about what they take for granted. And the don't know how precious their life is. Blah

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Posted

Hi Lynn, thanks for asking. My first day was OK, I had less anxiety but I was a bit sedated. I think Lex has started to kick in and maybe I need less clonazepam.

First week will be orientation and training, that gives me some more time to recover.

How are you doing with 10 mg? Feeling better? When is your next appointment with your doc?

Please remember there are lot of people who suffer from anxiety and depression like us, in fact one human resources manager told me 30% of employees are on medication.

I do believe we will recover.

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Posted

Arman - glad your first day went okay and the Lex is starting to help.

Audiosultan and LynnC - I can totally understand how you're feeling. I came home from my holiday on a bus today (left hubby and kids there) and kept looking at everyone and just wishing I had a normal life with normal problems. I feel guilty about leaving them but just wanted some space to cry and be as miserable as I want without social pressure. Walking around my house, I'm trying to conjure my old feelings for it, conjure any enthusiasm or joy I have felt. It's difficult. And i am already a lot better. I just feel so tired of fighting it every day.

But when I feel crappy I do like to post on here, or at least read how others are doing. It does help. So keep posting, audio sultan. And keep taking the meds. They will work in the end.

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Posted

Thank you sanguinepixie! I feel like this forum is my little journal. And it's so good to get affirmations, that I will het better. I just feel so tired and run down today. I'm thinking about how long it took for me to get in this depressed state, and it took a long time. It happened slowly, gradually. So i guess that's why recovery is also really really slow. Yeah I might be improving, because I go out every day to buy cigarettes and groceries, and it wasn't like that, but it seems like that little 5% improvement stopped. And now it's not improving. Maybe I am a little impatient now. It's been like 6 weeks on lexapro and 11 days on wellbutrin. I have to give these meds some more time. I'm hoping to get my life back. Hope all of you are doing good!

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Posted

Audiosultan it is true...it took us a long time to reach this deeply depressed state so it would only make sense it'll take time to emerge out of it. Getting out to go to the store is something...as small as it is. A fried of mine told me a long time ago to claim little victories in your day. It sounded ridiculous to me then but it makes a lot of sense to me now....getting my laundry done is a victory in my day (all these things I wouldn't of thought twice about long ago). I'm on my 10th week now...it's slow going. Have a good day...try to. Arman glad your first day went well. Wow 30% statistic on the meds! I believe it. Glad you are starting to feel better. Sanguinepixie enjoy your time in your house for a few days...I think that was a good idea to just regroup without anyone around. It is so hard to fight the depression...I hate it so much and am so afraid of never getting back to me again. It terrifies me that I'm a different person than 5 months ago. Does one ever feel normal again?

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Posted

I have absolutely no idea what the hell to do with myself. I just can't occupy myself with anything and i feel like I'm locked in a ****in prison. I hate my life so much. I can't believe I have to suffer like this. Can u guys give me some advice what should I do? I have no energy just to go out for 1 walk per day. What the hell should I do it's almost 3 months now locked in my home. Please help! I can't take this anymore!

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Posted

Audiosultan when do your classes start up again? Being in your house is like a prison...I can completely relate. It sucks that we have to suffer like this...nothing to make us feel better. How is the Wellbutrin going? Force yourself on that walk...you have to. The only reason I force myself is since the dog needs a walk. I spend way too much time online searching this or that in hopes I'll get better eventually. Sometimes I really feel like I'm depending on the meds way too much but I swear I'll turn things around once I feel better and have the motivation to do so. Nobody can understand it...it's not like you don't want to get better...who would want to stay in this state?

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Posted

Audiosultan,

is there someone you can call? any family? Earlier on I would call people i knew were sympathetic (had depression/medication issues themselves) and just have a cry/talk about how I felt. I know for some people that would be the last thing they feel like doing, but it made me feel less alone.

Any old tv shows/series you can watch? I got through my last start-up with the West Wing - 7 seasons. Familiar shows can be better than trying to get your head around something new I find.

Walking is good but I know it can suck when it just reminds you of walking around feeling like .

And kind of cleaning/tidying project (small) around your house? something achievable and satisfying and easy just to occupy you? I do a lot of 'mindless' activities that can be definitively 'finished' (but then I have kids, so there are plenty of them to do)

A friend of mine would download mantras/guided meditations on her iPhone and listen to that, just to have another voice in her head.

Sorry, these ideas seem really inadequate….I know what that feeling is like and it feels like nothing cuts through it. But if you're going to feel , you may as well do something while you feel ?

good luck

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Posted

Audiosultan it is true...it took us a long time to reach this deeply depressed state so it would only make sense it'll take time to emerge out of it. Getting out to go to the store is something...as small as it is. A fried of mine told me a long time ago to claim little victories in your day. It sounded ridiculous to me then but it makes a lot of sense to me now....getting my laundry done is a victory in my day (all these things I wouldn't of thought twice about long ago). I'm on my 10th week now...it's slow going. Have a good day...try to. Arman glad your first day went well. Wow 30% statistic on the meds! I believe it. Glad you are starting to feel better. Sanguinepixie enjoy your time in your house for a few days...I think that was a good idea to just regroup without anyone around. It is so hard to fight the depression...I hate it so much and am so afraid of never getting back to me again. It terrifies me that I'm a different person than 5 months ago. Does one ever feel normal again?

HI Lynn,

I have had a major episode of depression, early in my first pregnancy but I think it started months and months before. I was at the point where the psychiatrist at the hospital offered me admittance to the hospital, but I was too scared of being with other mentally unwell people and away from the few home comforts so i didn't, but I was really pretty bad. We were trying Zoloft for the longest time and the switched to citalopram….I went through absolute hell, I didn't even care about the baby I was carrying I just wanted to not wake up anymore. But once we got to 40mg for however many weeks (can't remember) I did feel like myself, I really did. I went from not being able to walk thirty steps up to the mailbox to painting my baby's room and cleaning cots and hanging pictures. I ripped out lino in the kitchen and had floorboards put in. And I was overseeing the installation of new carpet the day I went into labour...

and when he came, I felt so much love, and couldn't believe what a wonderful place the world was, and how happy and content I felt. Such joy, and such enthusiasm, and such energy and zest for everything.

You WILL get there again. You really will. I can vividly remember sobbing in my psychiatrist's office and asking her had she ever seen someone as bad as me get better, and she smiled a gentle smile and nodded yes, yes certainly. I couldn't imagine it, but it did happen.

You have been waiting so long for relief, so I hope your meds hurry up and get their together, I really, really do. But you will feel good again one day. And i'm praying for you that it's soon.

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Posted

Sanguinepixie thanks for your post. It's funny I have a few good hours in the evening, i start to enjoy my kids again, my appetite semi returns, I feel I might be turning it around and then I go to sleep to wakeup to this nightmare all over again. Maybe it's a start, it's all I can hold onto right now. Talking to supportive friends or family members help (unfortunately my husband doesn't offer much and doesn't get this illness at all). I always said he's a great man but God forbid I ever come down with a terminal illness he wouldn't know how to deal or handle it...well guess what...I'm not terminal but my worst nightmare came true. I had those same conversations in my psychiatrists office and he tells me he's seen much worse...but I can't imagine it. Why did you go off the celexa long ago? Was it difficult to do? I fear in a year when I try to wean off ill slip back into that horrible state again...low of the lows. How does one not have to be on meds forever after your first major depressive episode?

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Posted

Hi Lynn,

I had the same pattern of a few good hours in the evening, and then wake in fear again the next morning. That has stopped now for me - I still often wake early, but without anxiety. I still have have ups and downs but I suppose more of the day is normal - I just went shopping for a few hours, for instance - I just need to take it easy and rest from people. and sometimes I just feel horrible and cry for no reason - I think it's just the fatigue of being ill for so long.

I had been on the meds for 8 years, my second child was turning 4 and we had decided not to have any more children. Since I was well through the sleepless nights etc, my doc and I though it was a good time to try tapering off. I did it over 3 months, and it was pretty easy. I felt more cranky, less patient, but started to tear up at moving moments and really enjoy music again, and I felt more alive. More emotional, certainly. But manageable. Until my mum's breast cancer recurred and she faced major surgery, and a volunteer Committee position I held at my son's kinder turned into a nightmare of work and anxiety, and after a few months of having repeated episodes of severe anxiety (mostly to do with the kinder staff and financial problems - I was Treasurer - we were having), I decided I didn't wanted to limp along for the next six months recovering, but get back on the meds, get stable, and then try tapering again when circumstances weren't turning against me. I didn't think it would take this long to get stable again, or be so difficult getting on the meds!!! So I think in the future I might try tho go to a low dose rather than quit altogether - try 20mg for 6 months say - because this last few months, as well as the months leading up to it, have not been fun (LOL).

I don't think I was through my 'discontinuation symptoms' - which can last a while in terms of being a bit bumpy emotionally as you adjust - when all the hard stuff started (and kept) happening to me, so I can't say if i would have been successful off them. 8 years is a long time, so i was prepared to give myself time to readjust, but things just went wrong.

But don't worry about all that yet! Just look forward to feeling yourself again, feeling contentment in small things, and not living in fear. I think my GP said something like 60% of people are 'cured' by 1-2 years on ADs, and come off successfully. But worry about that much later.

best

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Posted

Thank you sanguinepixie! Maybe I should watch movies.. I don't know. I wanna be productive and active. I just don't seem to have the patience anymore to do stuff in my home. Maybe I should take it one step at a time. Maybe I should try cooking. But I feel so fatigued. It's definitely better than it was but not that much. :(

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Posted

I'm so anxious today and it's so uncomfortable with the depression...hate feeling both of these at once. I feel so hopeless like I'm never going to get better.

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Posted

I'm so anxious today and it's so uncomfortable with the depression...hate feeling both of these at once. I feel so hopeless like I'm never going to get better.

I sometimes feel the same way Lynn. Hang in there. You're not alone. :)

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