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Sick and tired of being depressed

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#1 awu255



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Posted 09 December 2006 - 12:21 PM

I was raised by my grandparents because my parents got divorced and we were living in a poor asian country. The society was really conservative and I felt different havin only one parent and always tried to hide that fact from friends. My grandma often say things like "your child is better looking than mine", or "your child is smart, mine is dumb". As weird as it may sound it is actually done to complement the neighbor's kid. Of course the neighbor would then do the same to their kid to complement me. Yes, it's stupid and very fake but it was a very common practice in the old days especially in smaller town and with older people.

Understandablly I grew up with very little self confidence and depressed and it's haunting me til today. I slept a lot in college. I get social anxiety. I never have a lot of friends. My friends would probably describe me as a push over(in their head that is).

To fight my loneliness I push myself to hit on women. I develop this fake happy vibe in the process of hitting on them. Most of my friends would be suprised if I tell them I have depression because they only see me with happy vibe. It's all just on the surface however.

I still feel lonely. I can't keep a relationship for long. I have a lot of nagative self talk. I still get depressed quite often.

I am so sick and tired of being depressed but I can't seem to get out of it. I don't know how it would feel to live my life without depression.

I feel the root of my problem is really my low self esteem. I bought a few self help books and tapes but they didn't help much. I saw three different shrinks when my ex fiance left me for another man but they didn't help either. Growing up with low self esteem is nearly impossible to correct.


#2 Brenda123


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Posted 09 December 2006 - 01:21 PM

I feel the root of my problem is really my low self esteem. I bought a few self help books and tapes but they didn't help much. I saw three different shrinks when my ex fiance left me for another man but they didn't help either. Growing up with low self esteem is nearly impossible to correct.

I hear you. I too suffer this self esteem issue to the extent I will give of myself to the point of exhaustion to be liked, cared for etc. People seem to like me, they seek me out for assistance, seem to enjoy being around me, and yet I am desperately unhappy because it is all fake, fake fake.

This is the first time I am letting people see the real me with this depression. I am not covering up, I gave up trying to appear normal. It is really funny the reactions you get and I realise not only is it they do not recognise me, I dont either and I only know I cannot keep living as I was because it was making me so unhappy. They already think I am crazy so what do I have to loose? I have to learn who I am and what I want and that means being brutally honest with myself about things and that is not easy when you have pretended for so long that everything is good.

This week I let loose on three people who tried to take advantage of me in ways I would normally have allowed. Guess what? They came back, they didnt hold it against me. My worst fears of being abandoned did not happen. I have already learned that "normal" people take no in stride. That I think may be how you build self esteem. Being genuine and practicing standing up for yourself. They dont run, they adjust their own behavior when all these years I was adjusting mine to theirs. Wierd. It is a whole new ballgame.

#3 Ushabti



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Posted 09 December 2006 - 07:53 PM

I hear ya, Awu.
There's plenty of times when I almost shouted out loud at myself to feel better. It gets very annoying to feel like complete crap day in and day out.

A friend of mine did the same thing you do in regards to women. He was a regular 'ladies man'. Super happy guy, etc etc. And then when he slit his wrists in a serious cry for help it blind-sided everyone who knew him. He regrets doing that very much now. He went through hell with therapy and family concerns and all that, it drove him nuts. But as far as I know he's much better now.

Growing up with low self esteem is nearly impossible to correct.

I think you're wrong about that.
I grew up with pretty bad social anxiety. Really bad. I had trouble walking right in crowded places because I 'knew' everyone was watching me and critiquing me. Eventually I found a chat room just for that (it's down now, unfortunitly) and the people there started getting me to actually better myself. I'd say it took a year, year and a half before I finally realized that, holy crap, I don't feel that way anymore! I've still got it alittle bit, but no where near what it used to be. My self esteem pretty much leaped upwards just because I was really really sick of feeling like that around people.

I'm still very depressed, but atleast I was able to cross one problem off the list.

edit: spelling

Edited by Ushabti, 09 December 2006 - 07:55 PM.

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#4 SecrecyLives



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Posted 10 December 2006 - 12:50 AM

It sucks, I know. I wish I could just ORDER my brain to function correctly.

#5 Guest_SarahN_*


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Posted 10 December 2006 - 06:11 AM

Hi Awu,

I am sorry you too suffer from low self esteem, I think a lot of us here can relate *sigh*
Wearing a 'mask' or like you say 'put on a happy face' will do the trick to hide your depression from others however it does make you even more lonely, hopefully coming here will show you that you are not alone and it is okay to tell your friends about your true feelings :bump:

I disagree that self esteem is nearly impossible to correct, I know it is hard, but it can be changed. Have you ever considered getting psychotherapy / CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to help you change some of the thought patterns you have grown to believe?

Take care,

SN :hearts:

#6 violetspike


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Posted 10 December 2006 - 04:17 PM

Sorry about how you are feeling. It's so tough! Depending on my mood, I can have very very low self-esteem. We can try to remember that we deserve just as much respect as the next person. The person next to us may seem to have better self-esteem but we don't know, maybe not at all. A lot of people need work on this. It can get so that we feel better about ourselves. Someone may have a special something we notice, but so do we, we are each important. We have to figure out how to truely believe that.

For me, working on affirmations and other positive thinking, even when I don't really believe it cause of depression, helps. (It is a journey though.) It trains the brain to think differently after a while, less negativity to have to listen to.

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