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How Do I Force Myself To Go To Work?


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#41 acerz

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 08:36 PM

How many more days of your work conference? Are you half-way through? I'm glad you will go,for a walk. Tatie on my to-do list. I managed to get my son to and from band camp today, and have four more days of this. I think a little structure helps. The less structure to my day, the more I worry and ruminate. I saw my doctor who ordered blood work. I think to rule out further thyroid issues or anemia. Perhaps when you are done with your conference, and back home, you can have a good chat with your doctor. I do hope a little,walk helps you, and I should do the same.


I have 3 days left. The walk helped. It was a long one and I actually worked up an appetite. Feeling a little better and I hope it sticks. But mornings are always the worst. So tomorrow morning will be the test. I will definitely see my doctor when I get back.

Great job getting your son to band camp. I think our kids recognize when we are pushing through pain for them and can feel our love even when we don't feel like we have any love to give.

Best wishes to all of you.

#42 acerz

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 06:24 AM

Ugh. Another bleak morning. Going to stay in bed forr a while. Make the effort to get up in a couple of hours,

#43 acerz

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 07:46 AM

I'm spiraling down. Might be trapped in bed today.

#44 julie_anne59

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 09:06 AM

Acerz,

I understand that feeling, too. Are you going to make it to your conference today?

#45 gandolfication

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 09:14 AM

This is what I have been struggling with myself for 5 years and I have a (stay-at-home) wife and 2 beautiful young kids who depend on me.

It feels like it has ruined my life.  I hope its not irreparable and irreversible.

I appreciate everyone's responses above - it's tough to know what path may help.

 

Like probably many if not most here, I used to be so driven, and motivated and focused, and I accomplished a good deal but then slid steadily down hill essentially all related to just losing interest and motivation in my jobs.

 

Although my family has been more understanding and supportive than some, it weighs on my and induces anxiety at every moment and despite trying many approaches, I can't seem to forgive myself or stop the incessant self-excoriation.

 

I hate it and it has made me not want to live with varying degrees of intensity for 5-6 years now.

I don't know how much I can take.  I don't want to die really (who does), but I don't want to live indefinitely feeling and being like this.

 

I too have tried numerous medications and really none have helped in any significant way (and some have been at least mildly detrimental).

 

ahh, I hate this.


Edited by gandolfication, 06 August 2013 - 09:29 AM.


#46 acerz

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 09:46 AM

Gandolfication, I feel for you and your struggles. There are many of us who live like this but the world does not know about us or they do not understand.

I also have children. Three of them who should fill my life with joy. My heart aches when I am faced with how I should feel compared to how I do feel. And when I do make it out of bed the contrast between myself and others is like a knife in the heart. I always wonder what it is like to be them, to not struggle with the simplest of things like getting out of bed, to have moments of happiness. I know I have been like that and can be again, but it seems like it will be a long time before I do. And what will be left of my job? Who will I even be?

I am not bothering with the conference today. I feel like I have a small window of time where I might be able to pull myself out of bed, shower, and leave my room. Then I will walk around the city miserable and hope the mood lifts at least a little and the ruminating thoughts let up some. Or maybe I will stay in bed. But I cannot-my wife and kids deserve better and I will pull myself up. Oh what a struggle this is.

#47 gandolfication

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 10:10 AM

Yah, I'm going to follow your lead a bit.  I'm at work, but just distracting myself as usual.  Going to walk down the block and get something to eat and then try to get just a few small things done today.

 

Sometimes, its just too much.


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#48 acerz

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 11:19 AM

You can do it. It starts with small victories.
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#49 acerz

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 01:53 PM

So I took a walk and it distracted me a little. But I am overwhelmingly tired and have returned to the hotel room. I guess I have freedom to do this now but when I return to work I will not, and this scares me. But I must try not to fight future battles before they come. Right now I am trying to make it through this trip. I know the end will come, but what kind of condition will I be in at the end? Taking no pleasure in things that should be pleasurable increases the depression. I am rambling now, time to take a nap, hope I am able to get up Ina couple hours.

#50 julie_anne59

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 03:59 PM

Acerz-I hope the nap helped. Have you given any more thought to talking to your physician when you get home? Do you have a psychiatrist? Just something to think about. Have you had any routine blood work done recently? It might be helpful to rule-out thyroid issues or anemia, things like that. Last winter I found out my thyroid was under active, and that exacerbated my depression. I don't know why I am in a major depressive episode now, however. Still waiting on results of my blood work completed yesterday.

I'm with gandolfication - and will try to take a walk and do some chores.

#51 acerz

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 08:34 PM

I wouldn't say the nap helped but it didn't hurt either. I do have a psychiatrist and I actually called him today and we both ended up leaving messages. He said I could double my cymbalta dose, unfortunately I only brought as much as I needed for the regular dose on this trip. I will talk to him again when I get home. Thanks for asking. It is nice to have some people who know what it is like concerned about how I am doing. I will ask about doing blood work.

Julie, is it worst in the morning with you or all throughout the day? Mine is worst in the morning. It doesn't go away later in the day but when I am in bed in the morning it is heavier and I ruminate a lot, seemingly uncontrollably. But all day today everything I experienced triggered a negative response. I compare myself to others and feel bad about myself.

Gandolfication, I hope you were able to get a little work done. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Good night all, and may tomorrow be better for us all.

#52 julie_anne59

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 09:33 PM

My fatigue and weakness seem worse in the morning. My anxiety seems worse in the evening. I did not hear back on my blood work that was completed yesterday-blah-so I wonder what that means. Glad you are planning to talk with your psychiatrist. Hope you sleep well and wake up refreshed!!!

#53 sophielouise31

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 10:19 PM

I am a college student with part-time on campus work. And I'm sure your job is more important than mine, and you are more important to your job than I am to mine. For instance, I would find people to sub for me literally the day of my shift because I just didn't feel like it. This ensured that I didn't have to leave my apartment to go to work, and that wasn't all...I stayed in my tiny messy place (where I had no roommates) for up to a week at a time once without leaving even to go to class...safe to say my grades suffered.

 

Part of the reason I wasn't leaving was because I had no motivation to shower or do laundry. I was going to be disgusting. I was going to stink for miles...and even when I told myself I was going to shower before work...I put it off and put it off. I wasn't working out at all, which I used to do regular, and I was unable to sleep...as lazy as I was.

 

It got to a point where I had to suck it up, and I told myself to do one thing at a time. I had to go to work...regardless of the state I was in. If I got myself to shower before work that was an added bonus. Over time, being self-conscious about my hygiene when in public was enough to get me to start caring more. But what had to come first was my grades and my income. I had no other choice. Yes, it's another issue that coworkers/bosses/patrons would have an issue with, but it's at least better than not showing up to work.


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I dream to be:

-Not just a wife, but the love of someone's life.

-Not just a friend, but a companion.

-Not just a mother, but a mom.

-Not just a teacher, but an inspirer.

-Not just a writer, but an artist with words.

 

And I'm going to be alive to live it.


#54 Panda24

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 02:55 AM

Hi
I have found mornings my worst time
My daughter is four, I have at times found it so hard to get out if bed too and missed taking my girl to her nursery school, making me feel truly awful and Like the worst mother.

I have been off sick since April
I feel that being honest with your employer may ease anxiety in the long run. Anxiety and depression is an illness like any other and employers have a duty to deal with it in a sensitive matter, although I understand that this is not always the case.
Maybe you could take a few identified pointers with you when you meet your boss.

Ask your boss for support
Tell him/ her that maybe prioritising jobs with you could help ease the pressure and the anxiety of work role

I think the most important thing is letting your boss know how much you are keen to get through this patch and together you want to succeed in your work

Always here to listen

Panda
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#55 acerz

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 06:58 AM

I just made a bad decision. A co-worker asked me to walk over to the conference with her and another. I thought about, tried to will myself out of bed, but could not. Or chose not to. The outside world seemed to depressing. The contrast between myself and others would be too painful. But lying in bed won't do me any good either. My life is a mess.

#56 julie_anne59

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 08:51 AM

Soon you will be able to have a talk with your physician, and in time this too shall pass. It is so difficult when we cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure you look forward to being in the comfort of your own home. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Do you go home tomorrow?

#57 acerz

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 09:39 AM

Yes, tomorrow night. I'm afraid it won't be any better at home. I know it could be, I am very negative right now. It is hard not to think of the burden of returning to work and family responsibilities. I have battled depression for 20 years. This is the worst it has been it quite a while. I see a therapist on Monday, but I've never had great success with therapy. I'm still in bed. I talked to my wife (face time) about 45 min ago and she looked sad, concerned, and exhausted. It hurts me to see and makes me feel home will not be the cure.

I could pull myself out of bed but it is the thought of everything that I would have to do after that that keeps me down. I know what advice I would give someone else, take one step at a time. Get up then deal with the rest as it comes. But I'm not moving. I slapped myself in the face really hard a few times. But still in bed. One more hour I tell myself. Thats how it's been all morning though.

#58 acerz

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 10:47 AM

Panda, my boss does know what is going on and that does help some. However she it an interim boss and I don't know if she will get the job for good. I have problems with myself, with work, and with family life. I feel so broken. But I am out of bed now. The pain becomes more acute at this point.

#59 Achelois

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 12:48 PM

I was OK for 2 days and today i felt awful again....maybe it's the new med?

I have some nausea and dizziness....and feel tired

Din't work today, worked a bit from home just to show i still care and try to be responsible, told my boss some story i have hormonal problem that causes mild depression and fatigue and i get treatment, but for a few days i might have side effects from the med....he hasn't said a word....so far...but i am sure he will not tolerate if i keep missing work again and again....

 

and tomorrow i am supposed to add a new med to the new med....and i am scared it will be even worse....


Edited by Achelois, 07 August 2013 - 12:51 PM.


#60 acerz

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 01:21 PM

Achiolis, being scared about what comes next seems to be part of our condition. I'm terrified about what each day will bring also. It is a good sign that you felt ok for a couple of days. Maybe you can build on that and string a few more good days together. Side effects can be really bad, but sometimes they go away after a few days or a week. I hope yours do.

#61 Achelois

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 01:35 PM

Achiolis, being scared about what comes next seems to be part of our condition. I'm terrified about what each day will bring also. It is a good sign that you felt ok for a couple of days. Maybe you can build on that and string a few more good days together. Side effects can be really bad, but sometimes they go away after a few days or a week. I hope yours do.

I usually have bad reactions to new meds...and i am meeting my parents tomorrow and they don't know the whole story....so i am worried about work and about them finding out how many new meds i was given by my doc...they are totally against psych. meds and take it so hard....



#62 julie_anne59

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 01:43 PM

Anyone here on Abilify? My doctor kicked my dosage up from 2 mg to 5 mg 3 weeks ago. I'm not feeling much better. How long should this med take to stabilize my mood? Still no word on lab work completed on Monday. Now I'm worried about that. I think I should call my psychiatrist again. Perhaps my lexapro isn't working anymore.

#63 acerz

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 06:24 PM

Achelois-I will spell it right this time! I read through your older posts and you have been through so much. And you have overcome so much. You will do it again. Keep working with the doc, you will find the right combination of meds. I need to do the same. I know it is not all meds, but they are a necessary part of recovery for many of us. We also have to be strong and learn new ways of thinking. I'm not so good at that.

Have your parents read any of your writing - your poems or your descriptions of your struggles here on DF? That might not be something you want them to see but if you didn't mind maybe it would help them understand what you are going through and how hard you have fought against it. But maybe they know this already. Just a thought. Your writing is powerful.
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#64 acerz

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 06:33 PM

I have given up on the rest of this day. Been in bed since 5:00 pm. It started as a nice, peaceful sleep. Now the tiredness is gone and I am trying to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I know being alone in bed is not the best way to do this, but I have been walking around for the past several days and can't take any more smiling faces on the street.

So I am going to crash tonight and save my burst of determined energy for tomorrow morning, when I have to check out and get to the airport. I hope I have that burst in me. I think I will. I have been waiting days to go home. I don't think I will be any better at home, but I can talk to my doc and be with my family.

Did I ever mention how much I hate this disease? AAAGH!

#65 julie_anne59

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 06:37 PM

Achelois-
I am thinking about you at this difficult time. I am middle-aged, but I know how it feels when parents do not affirm our worries, concerns, and fears. My depression and anxiety have roots in daddy wounds. My father dismisses my feelings to this day in his old age. I am trying to forgive him for something he doesn't "own," and it is difficult. My parents still don't think counseling, psychiatry, and meds are necessary. You do what you need to do to become well.

#66 julie_anne59

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 06:41 PM

Acerz-
You made it. Yes, save your energy for tomorrow. It will be good to see your family. How lovely to have a supportive spouse. You can make a list of concerns to share with your doctor while on the plane. Thinking about you during this rough time.
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#67 fat_cole

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 07:35 PM

I hear ya acerz, same deal here. I woke up around 4:30 pm and knew the day was a wash before I even got out of bed. I wish they made an epipen/autoinjector for people with major depression, just stick yourself when you can't get your butt out of bed and moving and the BOOM! you're shot out of a cannon and going on with your day...


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Severe Treatment Resistant Major Depression - 1st diagnosed November 2007

 

Current Medications/Treatment:         

Imipramine 250mg x1 daily                   

Donepezil - 10mg x1 daily

Adderall - 20mg x2 daily

Clonazepam - 5mg x2 daily

ECT - 11 sessions since March 2012

Psychotherapy - 30 min. x1 monthly


#68 acerz

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 08:43 PM

Now you are talking fat_cole! I could muster the one second of action needed to stick myself with a needle. Or maybe something like jumper cables to get us moving.
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#69 acerz

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Posted 08 August 2013 - 04:04 AM

Awoke at 4:30. No longer tired, only moderately depressed. But I've been in the safety and isolation of my hotel room for 12 hours. It's the outside world that has all the triggers to my depression. I hope I can handle it. Someday in the next month, I am going to have a good day with no depression. That is the hope I will hold to.

#70 julie_anne59

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Posted 08 August 2013 - 08:45 AM

It's good to hold onto that hope. Soon, you will be in the comfort of your own home with your loving wife. How wonderful to have a supportive spouse! I think you will feel better after talking with your physician and come up with a plan.

#71 acerz

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Posted 08 August 2013 - 08:59 AM

Thanks. I'm trying to hold on to that. I sense a tidal wave of responsibilities waiting for me. Trying not to dwell on that. But the depressed mind is hard to control.

#72 Tribe416

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Posted 08 August 2013 - 10:32 AM

Achelois, I am facing an exact same situation as you. I found myself unable to wake up as subconsciously, I didn't want to face the cruel world. Right now, there's no motivation for me to work save for the salary each month and also the fact that I have to save my own dignity.

 

People with depression always get judged. In fact, I now think I shouldn't have told the management about my depression. I have high rates of absenteeism and I understand for their case, its a difficult situation to be in but what I want to tell you is that we will get through this. I will be strong and continue to live each day as it is. Medicines have taken a toll on my body, I feel really lethargic. No one will be able to understand unless they are in our situations.



#73 Marie241

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Posted 08 August 2013 - 04:40 PM

Achelois - how did the day go? Any luck scheduling doc appt to discuss this as soon as the doctor is available?

#74 acerz

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Posted 10 August 2013 - 11:47 AM

It's good to hold onto that hope. Soon, you will be in the comfort of your own home with your loving wife. How wonderful to have a supportive spouse! I think you will feel better after talking with your physician and come up with a plan.


Thanks. I'm home but I am worse. Dr. upped the dosage of cymbalta and re-started abilify. Hope it helps soon. It is torturous right now.

#75 acerz

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 09:04 AM

Just to wrap this up - I know it is a little off topic - I am feeling better the last couple of days and have been able to get to work fairly easily! Thanks for your support. It CAN get better everyone. There for a couple of days I thought it wouldn't, but it has. I know it dosen't turn around this quickly for everyone, but hang in there.
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#76 blueyonder

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 09:53 AM

i need to have little things that i enjoy that make it meaningful for me to get out of bed, and i focus on the fact that i enjoy them and that i am looking forward to them. theyre things that are involved in actually getting moving, like i have to get moving to get them. i have a great perfume that i put on after my shower and although i hate getting showered and fixing my hair because its all a pain in the ass, i can actually look forward to putting the perfume on and its like a reward for doing all that crap. then i get a coffee before i get on the train, and i really really enjoy coffee, so i look forward to getting my coffee and drinking it on the train. and i listen to my favourite music on my headphones on the train, and i try to keep finding new music that i really enjoy that i can listen to on the way to work. i zone out and look out the window and listen to my music and drink my coffee, and its actually one of my favourite parts of the day, and it makes it much more bearable to get moving and get on the way to work

 

i get through my day the same way. i get out of my workplace and buy spring rolls for my short break in the morning because i love spring rolls and it gives me something to focus on to get me through the morning. and i take a late lunch hour, because having that hour towards the end of the day really gives me something to look forward to. then when i get back from lunch theres hardly any more of the day left to go.

 

these things arent really that meaningful, but they give me something else to think about apart from wading through crap. i just try and think about the little things that i can look forward to enjoying, and try not to focus on the fact that i hate doing the things im doing.


Edited by blueyonder, 13 August 2013 - 09:55 AM.

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#77 Phantastic Mirage

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 11:43 AM

Oh its so hard. A lot of jobs (that i didnt get injured at) I managed to quit before anyone could fire me. I would pick up that people were on to me if i was quiet one day and didnt feel like talking over a course of a few days and it would be very uncomfortable. Im luckly to have this job though it came close a few timea for me being fired. Hah...... ugh.

Anyway, i know its tough but sadly bills are more important.. dont want to lose the house i just bought._.;
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月 に 変わって お仕置き よ

    つき         か                     しお

 

ACT 5 (should be) SEPTEMBER 6TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


#78 Kangaroocyancomic

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 03:35 PM

Hi Peony,

I told my children I have thyroid issues. I do have hypothyroidism, but just had my levels checked in May. I just tell them I'm doing everything I need to do to feel better.

I wish I could say I have a supportive spouse, but I don't. He does not validate my feelings, and reiterates he can't fix me. He isn't in love with me anymore. We are living like roommates until the kids are out of school. That is a big part of my problem. The root cause of my depression and anxiety, so I am told, is father wounds. My dad was emotionally cruel to me, and my mother did not protect me from the cruelty. Here I am married to someone like my father. Unbelievable.

I am so upset with my poor choices in life. Rationally, I know life is precious but feel like I am just floundering, just existing. I wish I could get motivated to take a walk or go to the gym. I have lost all interest in such activities, in all activities and interests, I pray my increase in abilify will kick in.

Thanks to all for your responses!!! They mean a lot to me.

Julie-anne, I have to admit I'm not married but I can understand what you were going through. My father was cruel to me too, he would wrestle me to the ground saying I was weak, came into my room drunk saying I would never amount to anything (I was in high school then and still passing) and my mother just made me feel bad for being chubby, even supported me throwing up for a while to loose weight...

 

I have to say it's very tough on us , we are too "nice" to others because of our low self-esteem. But I think it's never too late to change your life. If your spouse doesn't understand and doesn't care for you, nothing is forcing you to stay with him. Your children are in high school, they aren't children anymore, but almost adults, they'd rather see you happy if they truly care about you. Is there a very good friend or family member you are happy to stay with? Because I think if your husband treats you this way, you're better off leaving him and just caring for the children.


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#79 julie_anne59

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Posted 19 August 2013 - 10:19 AM

Achelois- any better? I have to return to work in one week.

#80 acerz

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Posted 19 August 2013 - 02:41 PM

Julie-Anne, how do you feel about returning to work?






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