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Achelois

How Do I Force Myself To Go To Work?

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Posted

4 more days. It is just starting really. I emailed my boss to see what my options are. Might be a mistake but I think she will be understanding. The nightmare part is getting through these next 4 days. This disease is truly terrible. I am going to try to keep going. You keep trying too. If we get moving we might start to feel a little better. My cycle of negative thoughts is spinning out of control so I need some distractions. I will try to get some food with someone. At least I hope I will. As soon as I said that it seemed so intimidating.

Julie Anne take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating and take a walk or some activity. Now I make it sound so easy. But we can do it. Let's all pull together and get through this.

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Posted

I took a walk, confided in a co-worker, and managed to eat a little. Still feel terrible. I thought all that would help some. Tomorrow a.m. may be nearly impossible to function. But I really do have to try or I will spiral down into a very dark place, and away from home at that. Hoping for a break in the darkness.

Acheolis, were you able to meet with a new doctor? I hope your mood has lightened some. You are not alone in this. We may not have all the answers but we are all in this together.

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Posted

Acerz, you took some good steps. I should do the same tomorrow. I need to go for a walk, but My legs don't want to take me. Although this is silly, I actually go to YouTube and watch clips from the old Carol Burnette show to see if I can still laugh. In fact, I don't think I've laughed in a month. I think I will watch some funny videos tonight.

Find something silly on the computer and see if that helps you at least for a short while. Just a thought. Praying for you.

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Posted

Julie, I hope you were able to laugh some. I am awake now but feel like I am cemented to the bed. Out there in the world is not where I want to be. I don't feel good here either but it is easier to stay. Aaaaahh!! I hate this. I know you guys do too. I am glad to know some people who understand. Here I go, I have to make it to the shower. Good luck today everybody.

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Posted

Acerz, please let us know how you day goes. Positive thoughts for all.

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Posted

Made it to lunch and was able to eat a little. But feeling low. Thinking about coming home early despite potential consequences.

How is your day going Julie_anne59?

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Now I am back in my hotel wanting to crawl into bed. A co-worker wants to go walk so I need to make myself. Why is the right thing to do always so hard? I will go walk a little but then I am done. I need to crash. Maybe I will be able to get up tomorrow maybe not. But someday this has to end.

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Posted

How many more days of your work conference? Are you half-way through? I'm glad you will go,for a walk. Tatie on my to-do list. I managed to get my son to and from band camp today, and have four more days of this. I think a little structure helps. The less structure to my day, the more I worry and ruminate. I saw my doctor who ordered blood work. I think to rule out further thyroid issues or anemia. Perhaps when you are done with your conference, and back home, you can have a good chat with your doctor. I do hope a little,walk helps you, and I should do the same.

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Posted

Rats, poor keyboarding skills on my iPad. Please forgive the typos. Best wishes everyone. Lets hang in there.

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Posted

I hate working but secretly love going to work. It takes my mind off my crazy.

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Posted

Nate-do you have any strategies that could help those of us struggling to go to work or school?

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Posted

Nate-do you have any strategies that could help those of us struggling to go to work or school?

I leave a few minutes early and nearby is a park. I do a short 5-10 minute meditation and that often helps. On the in breath, I envision breathing in calm. It certainly doesn't always work but it does help me the majority of the time, at least until lunch when I may need to repeat it. If you're already on a benzo, you can breathe in the calmness you know will come.

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Posted

I have lost 2 jobs due to my depression. The only thing that gets me out of my house and to work every day is knowing that if I don't, I'll lose this one, too. My job also happens to be one of my biggest stressors. But if I lose this one, I can't make it financially, and I wind up living on the streets. Literally. In other words, I'm d*ad. Now, that's not really so bad, except I'd just as soon make that decision on my own.

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Guys and gals, have any of you listened to Chuck Wild's music "Liquid Mind?" Check out his website. He talks about his battle with anxiety and depression. His music is wonderful for meditation, rest, and relaxation. The music is on Pandora and iTunes. I highly recommend all volumes of Liquid Mind. FYI

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Posted

I didn't read through all of your posts except your first post about how to force yourself to go to work. Just do it. The hardest part is getting up, getting ready, etc. If you have to cry through it, cuss through it, just do whatever it takes. Once you are there, you have already gotten through the hardest part.

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Posted

How many more days of your work conference? Are you half-way through? I'm glad you will go,for a walk. Tatie on my to-do list. I managed to get my son to and from band camp today, and have four more days of this. I think a little structure helps. The less structure to my day, the more I worry and ruminate. I saw my doctor who ordered blood work. I think to rule out further thyroid issues or anemia. Perhaps when you are done with your conference, and back home, you can have a good chat with your doctor. I do hope a little,walk helps you, and I should do the same.

I have 3 days left. The walk helped. It was a long one and I actually worked up an appetite. Feeling a little better and I hope it sticks. But mornings are always the worst. So tomorrow morning will be the test. I will definitely see my doctor when I get back.

Great job getting your son to band camp. I think our kids recognize when we are pushing through pain for them and can feel our love even when we don't feel like we have any love to give.

Best wishes to all of you.

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Posted

Ugh. Another bleak morning. Going to stay in bed forr a while. Make the effort to get up in a couple of hours,

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Posted

I'm spiraling down. Might be trapped in bed today.

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Posted

Acerz,

I understand that feeling, too. Are you going to make it to your conference today?

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Posted (edited)

This is what I have been struggling with myself for 5 years and I have a (stay-at-home) wife and 2 beautiful young kids who depend on me.

It feels like it has ruined my life. I hope its not irreparable and irreversible.

I appreciate everyone's responses above - it's tough to know what path may help.

Like probably many if not most here, I used to be so driven, and motivated and focused, and I accomplished a good deal but then slid steadily down hill essentially all related to just losing interest and motivation in my jobs.

Although my family has been more understanding and supportive than some, it weighs on my and induces anxiety at every moment and despite trying many approaches, I can't seem to forgive myself or stop the incessant self-excoriation.

I hate it and it has made me not want to live with varying degrees of intensity for 5-6 years now.

I don't know how much I can take. I don't want to die really (who does), but I don't want to live indefinitely feeling and being like this.

I too have tried numerous medications and really none have helped in any significant way (and some have been at least mildly detrimental).

ahh, I hate this.

Edited by gandolfication

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Posted

Gandolfication, I feel for you and your struggles. There are many of us who live like this but the world does not know about us or they do not understand.

I also have children. Three of them who should fill my life with joy. My heart aches when I am faced with how I should feel compared to how I do feel. And when I do make it out of bed the contrast between myself and others is like a knife in the heart. I always wonder what it is like to be them, to not struggle with the simplest of things like getting out of bed, to have moments of happiness. I know I have been like that and can be again, but it seems like it will be a long time before I do. And what will be left of my job? Who will I even be?

I am not bothering with the conference today. I feel like I have a small window of time where I might be able to pull myself out of bed, shower, and leave my room. Then I will walk around the city miserable and hope the mood lifts at least a little and the ruminating thoughts let up some. Or maybe I will stay in bed. But I cannot-my wife and kids deserve better and I will pull myself up. Oh what a struggle this is.

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Posted

Yah, I'm going to follow your lead a bit. I'm at work, but just distracting myself as usual. Going to walk down the block and get something to eat and then try to get just a few small things done today.

Sometimes, its just too much.

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Posted

You can do it. It starts with small victories.

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Posted

So I took a walk and it distracted me a little. But I am overwhelmingly tired and have returned to the hotel room. I guess I have freedom to do this now but when I return to work I will not, and this scares me. But I must try not to fight future battles before they come. Right now I am trying to make it through this trip. I know the end will come, but what kind of condition will I be in at the end? Taking no pleasure in things that should be pleasurable increases the depression. I am rambling now, time to take a nap, hope I am able to get up Ina couple hours.

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Posted

Acerz-I hope the nap helped. Have you given any more thought to talking to your physician when you get home? Do you have a psychiatrist? Just something to think about. Have you had any routine blood work done recently? It might be helpful to rule-out thyroid issues or anemia, things like that. Last winter I found out my thyroid was under active, and that exacerbated my depression. I don't know why I am in a major depressive episode now, however. Still waiting on results of my blood work completed yesterday.

I'm with gandolfication - and will try to take a walk and do some chores.

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