I'm not sure where to post about this or what content is allowed, so please let me know. Can I write about suicidal thoughts in general, and is this an appropriate place?
I'm just posting to say that I'm tired and don't know what to do.
I'm tired of everything being hard. I'm tired of thinking about death or wishing I was.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not really allowing myself to think about plans or anything, it's just a - well maybe it's obsessive, I don't know..
Work is hard, school is hard, home (organization) is hard and I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of those thoughts. But I've never been able to make them go away.
I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never get better.
I've been thinking about suicide since I was 14, as far as I can remember. I started seeing a therapist at 18, I was diagnosed with depression at 23, and put on medication that sent me into hypomania (it was great, best I'd felt since I was 17) - which the psychiatrist never noticed and which made my bp worse. When I was 27, I was diagnosed with bipolar by another psych and a third psych diagnosed me as having adhd at 33.
But nothing, no meds, have ever gotten rid of those thoughts.
BP is ok in the sense that unlike people suffering from depression, I know that I will come out of it, that depressions don't last forever - there are always ups, which are often enjoyable. But then i also always know that I will crash again.
After so many meds, I am better. But I am also resigned to the fact that I will always have this illness and will never really get better.
That idea is so tiresome. I am tired of the stupid thoughts and I am tired of struggling. adhd makes work very difficult and I often can't meet deadlines, and some paperwork just never gets done, things that are part of the job requirement. They know this at work, and say it's not the most important thing, but I am forever hard on myself and compare myself to everyone else.
I really don't like myself. I don't know what to do, but I know that I won't get better entirely.
I keep trying though. I always do.
Edited by carbonbased, 31 July 2013 - 05:08 AM.