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Resigned And Exhausted


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#1 carbonbased

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 04:46 AM

I'm not sure where to post about this or what content is allowed, so please let me know. Can I write about suicidal thoughts in general, and is this an appropriate place?

---

 

I'm just posting to say that I'm tired and don't know what to do.

I'm tired of everything being hard. I'm tired of thinking about death or wishing I was.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not really allowing myself to think about plans or anything, it's just a - well maybe it's obsessive, I don't know..

 

Work is hard, school is hard, home (organization) is hard and I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of those thoughts. But I've never been able to make them go away.

 

I've resigned myself to the fact that I will never get better.

 

I've been thinking about suicide since I was 14, as far as I can remember. I started seeing a therapist at 18, I was diagnosed with depression at 23, and put on medication that sent me into hypomania (it was great, best I'd felt since I was 17) - which the psychiatrist never noticed and which made my bp worse. When I was 27, I was diagnosed with bipolar by another psych and a third psych diagnosed me as having adhd at 33. 

 

But nothing, no meds, have ever gotten rid of those thoughts.

 

BP is ok in the sense that unlike people suffering from depression, I know that I will come out of it, that depressions don't last forever - there are always ups, which are often enjoyable. But then i also always know that I will crash again.

 

After so many meds, I am better. But I am also resigned to the fact that I will always have this illness and will never really get better.

That idea is so tiresome. I am tired of the stupid thoughts and I am tired of struggling. adhd makes work very difficult and I often can't meet deadlines, and some paperwork just never gets done, things that are part of the job requirement. They know this at work, and say it's not the most important thing, but I am forever hard on myself and compare myself to everyone else.

 

I really don't like myself. I don't know what to do, but I know that I won't get better entirely.

I keep trying though. I always do.


Edited by carbonbased, 31 July 2013 - 05:08 AM.


#2 Tim 52

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 08:55 AM

carbonbased.

 

It is exhausting dealing with the disease of mental illness.  It takes so much energy just to move through each day.  And to battle the ruminations and upsetting thoughts.

 

The one gift I'd like to be able to give to you is the hope that it can get better.  I am under no illusion that it can get better easily.   You certainly have tried so many things and have worked so hard.  And, yes, it is likely not to get better entirely.  But often a percentage improvement can make a big difference.

 

I curious abou tthe variety of diagnosis' that you have had.  It makes me wonder if they have been able to really understand how your brain might process daily life in a unique ways that don't quite fit diagnostic criteria.   I have no medical expertise, but it makes me wonder if your treatment plan might need to be highly specialized in some way. 

 

Ah, I don't know really any of this.

 

Jut want to encourage you to keep trying...


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#3 Peony

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 01:30 PM

I'm exhausted too...been trying to get on my feet financially for the last 11 years after my husband borrowed all my savings and didn't pay them back then left me.

I've been look for full time jobs last 8 years with a masters degree and can't find one......I don't know what more I can do and I'm 52.

 

I just don't go "there".....to where I want to leave.....because if I do, then it will be so incredibly hard to get back to where I am emotionally and mentally right now.

 

You are young...check into alternative treatments...ECT, etc....maybe they are an option.  

 

Life can be good.  I'm tired of my suffering period and want more good.

 

Peony


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#4 carbonbased

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 03:42 PM

Thanks Tim.  You are right. Even a small percentage makes a difference. And don't get me wrong, I see how much things are "improved" from how I was 6 years ago - in the deepest, darkest hole I can imagine. highs, mixed states, bad marriage...  

 

But also that's kind of it - I'm still here fighting with these thoughts. despite years of therapy and meds.

my partner is great though. as supportive as she can be.

 

Nothing I've done ever really changes the thoughts except keeping really busy, and even then I get too busy + exhaust myself + then the thoughts come more often than before.

It just gets tiring and seems like this will never change.

 

And Peony, I know what you mean about not going there. I try my best not to dwell on such thoughts. I try to see them and send them right out again - they are "just" thoughts..  

 

but why do I have to do that at all?  And why can't I stop?

 

I moved far away from where I used to live, which I am really glad for, because some of those places were triggering - as in I had the same thought every time I walked by - and one of those places was 1/2 block from where I lived... :P

 

So I wonder if some of that is compulsive thoughts.

 

As for diagnoses, I think that adhd and bipolar make sense to me. I had always wondered about adhd, because I fit all of the criteria except for the fact that I was able to cope well enough to manage decent grades. it's different now though. and I never could manage at work. there was always stuff I just couldn't/wouldn't do.

bipolar was a surprise, but totally fits how I get sometimes.

 

I've never really discussed anxiety disorders with a psychiatrist because I'm tired of meds. I take 4 medicines daily for my stupid brain and another 3 for allergies and health issues. I hate taking meds, especially Se...  anyway.

sorry. I don't need to rant on like this.

 

but ECT sounds really scary, and from what I read at some point, it has mixed results..

 

Thanks for listening.  I appreciate it.



#5 LaurynJcat

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 03:46 AM

Hi Carbon-based.  I know what you mean about being tired of meds. I take 8 regularly - 4 for my brain (2 are very low doses) and 4 for other issues.  

 

I've been suicidal and I do still have the thoughts regularly.  Right now I feel very trapped both by my financial situation and my mood and health issues.  But I am trying to trust the universe that the "thousand unseen helping hands" will catch me if I can take a few leaps of faith.  But I try not to make lofty goals as it just gives me anxiety attacks.   :tounge:

 

My therapist told me to picture a river running past me from right to left (or left to right, whatever works).  And when I have a suicidal thought, to toss it into the river and watch it float away.  Don't contemplate where it goes or if it will come around again (it might, and you can throw it back).  I do this with any thoughts that are bothering me and I do find it helps, although perhaps also because it brings back the comfort of having a good therapist.

 

I also find the work of Ekhart Tolle very uplifting and comforting - especially his first two books.

 

For me, I just intend to keep tweaking meds and trying new meds/supplements/therapies, etc until I find something that works.  Until then I try to live for THIS MOMENT.  And this moment is okay.

 

Warmest regards,

Lauryn


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#6 Sheepwoman

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 08:21 PM

I have resigned myself to being Bipolar and it's a lifelong illness. I am down to 4 meds now to control the erratic mood changes and severe depression. I don't like taking meds but if it makes life tolerable then I will take them. I had suicidal ideations to the point I started making plans. It landed me in the psych hospital for a month. It's not the answer to any problem that may confront us. I still have the occasional ideation but I have  devised diversions to change my thought patterns.  Like Lauryn, toss the thoughts into the river.

Sheepwoman


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#7 carbonbased

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Posted 03 August 2013 - 02:45 PM

Thanks Sheepwoman.

 

 

Until then I try to live for THIS MOMENT.  And this moment is okay.

 

Warmest regards,

Lauryn

 

Thanks Lauryn.  That did lift my spirits.  

 

You're right there. That's so hard to remember sometimes. One moment, one hour, one day.

 

I will try the river visualization.

 

Best,

-c


Edited by carbonbased, 03 August 2013 - 02:45 PM.

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#8 rooket

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Posted 23 August 2013 - 11:38 PM

Everything seems hard for me as well and I do it and I do it right every time... it is so strange.   It used to be that everything seemed normal and I'd do things and sometimes get it done right often times get it done wrong.. and when it got done right I felt ok (not inflated good or anything like that, just felt fine) and when things didn't go right I would just get a little upset but not a lot.  life is a lot different from that now and I have to make major choices soon in life and I really don't know what I want to do but hopefully whatever I choose isn't overly drastically complicated.

 

It's interesting to see there's other people that feel the same as me but I also do come across them in real life.  People are GOOD at hiding depression.  I know how to see signs because I have been depressed however those who haven't for the most part don't know because they feel good most of the time.  So then my depression is easier to hide from most folk.

 

I think my depression will go away some day but I think it might stick around for another 10 years.

 

Here are the best things (imo) about my depression:

1) causes me to really really think hard when spending money, even when I'm making small purchases (actually my dad almost had me buy a house while I was depressed about 1 year before I got laid off... now... you guys talk about medication coctails and whatnot... think about what happens when you buy a 320k home and have a mortgage you are paying on and then you lose your only source of income.. hmmm..... I didn't let that happen)

 

2) I can learn and get a lot of stuff done even though it seems extremely difficult but isn't for non depressed people

 

3) It is relatively simple to make friends

 

not sure what else..there's positives in everything, even the hardest things in life.  sometimes it is difficult to see it at first but it's always there.  oddly enough, no therapist ever told me to try to find these things or make a list or anything of that sort.  so what I mentioned I just figured out entirely on my own


Edited by rooket, 23 August 2013 - 11:39 PM.





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