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Did Your Parents Ever Hug You And Or Tell You They Loved You?


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Poll: Did your parents ever hug you and or tell you they loved you? (132 member(s) have cast votes)

Did your parents ever hug you and or tell you they loved you?

  1. I was hugged but never told I was loved much. (6 votes [4.55%])

    Percentage of vote: 4.55%

  2. I was told I was loved but never hugged or touched much. (19 votes [14.39%])

    Percentage of vote: 14.39%

  3. I was never told I was loved NOR hugged much. (55 votes [41.67%])

    Percentage of vote: 41.67%

  4. I was both told I was loved AND hugged (50 votes [37.88%])

    Percentage of vote: 37.88%

  5. Other or don't want to say. (2 votes [1.52%])

    Percentage of vote: 1.52%

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#41 tom720

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Posted 22 April 2013 - 09:37 PM

I am 32, i grew up with my uncle, aunt and cousins (my dad and my mom were seperated while i was 1, never lived with dad, mom disappeared) . I never got hugs from them and never got kissed, they never said "I love you" too. But mind you, I am Chinese, and maybe it is just part of the cultural difference. :)

Yeah, im Chinese to think it is a cultural difference! me and my family are all close to one another and we would all go out of our ways to make each another happy etc...... yet we dont really show affection to each other by 'hugs' or 'words' after a certain age (childhood). Think they may seem it to be a unnecessary as we know we 'love' each other. But due to this i think we can sometimes be a bit distant and awkward in certain situations( e.g saying goodbye etc.), thus people may find me 'cold'


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#42 Tholomyes

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Posted 23 April 2013 - 04:56 AM

I've never been particularly close with my parents. Not really from a lack of trying on their part, but largely, I think because of our personalities. None of us are very "touchy-feely" and emotions are shielded, largely only visible in large outbursts of anger, or upsetment, when things came to a head. I don't particularly wish anything was different, with regards to my family. I don't feel I really would have appreciated a more hands-on parenting approach. I was given independence and the ability to make my own decisions, and they were there as less of authority figures, and more in a teaching/mentoring role, which meant they were there when I needed them, but were pretty unobtrusive when I didn't.

 

While I can sympathize in some of the loneliness/lack of strong relationships that Locut0s has, I don't feel like getting a more close-knit family relationship would have solved anything. My main problems in this respect come in my severe introversion, and my inability to take social risks that hold the possibility of rejection. While I suppose a different family dynamic might have changed this a bit, I feel like a different social environment at an early age would have done more; As a result of moving when I was 4, and changing schools when I was 8, I never really got a "Best Friends since we were toddlers" thing with anyone, and going to school in NYC, meant school friendships were 3-4 years at most, since in all likelihood we'd be in different schools at the next juncture.


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#43 LilaGrace

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Posted 25 April 2013 - 09:26 AM

My parents were physically and verbally affectionate with both me and my sister and each other...BUT...my parents divorced when I was 14 years old. I think that while it's very easy to accept and give love to people, I struggle accepting love from my husband. I think maybe because when my parents divorced I thought maybe all the affection I saw between them over the years had been fake and it has tainted marriage love for me. I don't know. Families can have such a weird dynamic that definitely shape who we are today.



#44 7thHeaveN

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Posted 09 May 2013 - 10:20 PM

my mom did, does, will. Was a bit of a colourful life up until I got 15, so there wasn't much opportunity to get that emotional. Now she's alright, she's told me but pays more attention to my little sister, and hey, I'm cool with that, there is no reason I should feel left out, maybe somebody would, but that's entirely individual.


"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."  - George Bernard Shaw

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." - Maya Angelou


#45 aneffortinhappiness

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Posted 10 May 2013 - 10:03 PM

I was hugged and told that I was loved, but I honestly didn't believe it because I was also slapped around a lot and yelled at and twice my father threatened to **** me in a fit of rage and once kicked me out of the house when I was 6 and let me stand outside the door crying while he was angry. I know it sounds horrible, but he's calmed down now and is really supportive of me. His change has been dramatic ever since he realized that I wasn't doing well at all. Another thing that generally made things worse is that my dad commanded a lot of fear, even from my mum, and so I didn't feel like she had my back when dad was angry. So yea, I never truly believed I was loved.



#46 Tessar

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Posted 11 May 2013 - 01:22 AM

Darkdaxter, your parents just don't get it, mine are the same. It's my mother who was always trying to get attention, I realised in the end that it's because my father denied her much comfort and attention. Over the years she has become more and more withdrawn & much of that is down to him. He is emotionally cold. He is terrified if he feels an emotion. I was their only girl (I had 4 brothers)many I am sure they couldn't contend with the fact that as a girl I was more emotional.

Don't forget this though DD, you have many, many friends here and we are warm and caring people who will not dump on others. Like everyone on this site you are part of a special community and that means you matter to me. I love this site and I love you all.
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#47 deepbleu

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Posted 11 May 2013 - 02:39 AM

I received so much love from my mum - she was always telling me she loved me and giving me hugs. I think she still does. None from my dad though - he was cold and unaffectionate and more critical than loving. He tries to tell me he loves me now I'm an adult but its always...awkward.

My family was also complicated when it became a stepfamily. Now I find it hard to be affectionate with people I'm not really close to. And if I'm not in the mood, a hug from the wrong person can turn into an argument lol. They say I'm cold. But I think I'm just selective.

Regardless of what my mind can see...

I can choose not to give up on me.                  

 

DeepBleu                              :x:    

 Moderate Depression, Mild Anxiety.

 

   


#48 Blacktears

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 09:47 AM

I was never hugged or told that I was loved by my parents. They were religous fundamentalists, who placed great emphasis on "training up a child in the way it should grow, so it would not depart from it".

 

They had strict mortal codes. My father, who tried preaching as a young man but gave it up to become a plumber, seemed a little bitter to me.  My mother was an excellent housekeeper, she also was a great cook and baker. Yet, I sometimes felt she was deeply unhappy.

 

I always told myself as a young child that when I got married I would always hug my children, let my them feel loved and tell them on a regular basis that I loved them.



#49 candy536

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 02:16 PM

My mother has never hugged me or told me she loves - she mostly ignored me my whole life . My fathers a Barsteward



#50 Tessar

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 03:57 PM

I was never hugged or told that I was loved by my parents. They were religous fundamentalists, who placed great emphasis on "training up a child in the way it should grow, so it would not depart from it".
 
They had strict mortal codes. My father, who tried preaching as a young man but gave it up to become a plumber, seemed a little bitter to me.  My mother was an excellent housekeeper, she also was a great cook and baker. Yet, I sometimes felt she was deeply unhappy.
 
I always told myself as a young child that when I got married I would always hug my children, let my them feel loved and tell them on a regular basis that I loved them.


Your experience sounds all too familiar to me, this is pretty much how it was in it family.......

#51 Tessar

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 03:58 PM

My mother has never hugged me or told me she loves - she mostly ignored me my whole life . My fathers a Barsteward


It really sucks how many people,p this sort of thing happens to. Children don't deserve it, really they don't.

We all have a family here at DF now, that's how it feels to me......
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#52 Runn3r

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Posted 12 May 2013 - 07:28 PM

My Parents have been very supportive of me. My father has depression too, so he understands. And my Mom has been very helpful too. The rest of my family doesn't know whats happening.


Depression can be like a Dragon. it Consumes, it Destroys, it Burns


#53 beetlejuice

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Posted 18 May 2013 - 11:54 AM

The only hugs I got were from my mum after I'd confessed to some trivial crime after several hours of interrogation. I suspect there's something deeply screwed up there.


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#54 Nellyzen

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Posted 18 May 2013 - 12:27 PM

Yes, I was...too bad they didn't hug each other much. Never saw affection between my parents, they were miserable in their marriage but loved their kids very much and stayed together for us.


"When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." -

#55 Categea

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Posted 19 May 2013 - 05:27 PM

Not much and awkwardly if ever. A little while ago my mother casually said she thought hugging would 'embarrass' us as kids. I'm glad for it though, who needs hugs anyway?


-- meows and purrs


#56 Tessar

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Posted 29 June 2013 - 02:45 PM

I am making up for lost time now. My parents might not have been capable of telling me that they loved me. They might not have stepped in when others were cruel to me. I can see now that these things didn't happen because of anything to do with me, rather It was my parents failing.
I am strong enough to see now that I no longer need to chase their love. I am able to live without it. It would be nice to get it from them but now I can see how very unlikely it is for this to happen. I am moving on.
Instead I am focusing on people who clearly do love me, they like me, care for me and likewise I care for them and love them too. That's where I now focus and I find it far more productive. It can take a long time to reach this stage in life as it does mean giving up in a life's hope. It felt like giving up on my life's work if I am honest, years of chasing my parents love.
It isn't a case of giving up..... Rather its a case of re-rating how much time and effort it is worth putting into something that's unlikely to happen. And sometimes, when you stop trying to make things happen, they actually become more likely to happen.

#57 jimbow15

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Posted 29 June 2013 - 04:28 PM

Well a very interesting topic indeed.

 

As my Mother had a few mental health problems herself, I was never hugged or felt love as much as I could have been.

 

But then as I grew up with my family I found a lot of friends who I liked a lot and got my needs met in that way. Yes I do think it did have an impact on my adult life , but it never caused me any major problems.

 

Best Wishes

 

Jim Bow


"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." Albert E.


Information supplied on Depression Forums by members should not be relied upon and is not a substitute for medical advice from a health professional or doctor.

#58 absent

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Posted 29 June 2013 - 05:19 PM

Never hugged. Never told I love you. Never SHOWN that I was being loved. 

 

I was told things like I do everything for you and you "should be grateful" and "if I didn't love you I would not do 'X' for you", but it was all to make me submissive, by inserting a guilt for my mere existence!

 

My mothers attitude alienated me from my grandparents and any peers. I was completely alone in handling life and everything else and in the mean time I had to handle her as well. 


Edited by absent, 29 June 2013 - 05:19 PM.

Stopped all medication due to financial problems. 

Been on: [1]Fluoxetine,[2]Citalopram, [3]Mirtazapine (4/7/2012-14/8/2012),[4] Escitalopram/Cirpalex 20mg (15/8/2012) + Depakote (1/8/2012) +Zopiclone (15/8/2012), [5]Sertaline 200mg + 2mg Diazepam 


#59 AloneGuy

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Posted 29 June 2013 - 05:35 PM

I'm very lucky in that my parents have always treated me with love.  I don't know what would have become of me without them.

It saddens me that many people here have not experienced that.


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Depression, Anxiety/Panic
Meds: Zoloft 200mg, Klonopin 1mg

#60 absent

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Posted 29 June 2013 - 05:42 PM

I'm very lucky in that my parents have always treated me with love.  I don't know what would have become of me without them.

It saddens me that many people here have not experienced that.

 

Me too. At 7 my grandparents left me to my mom but tolerated me until 11. At 12 they turned me away and showed me I was not welcomed in their home. I had traveled 180 km from my mom's home [alone] in the hope to stay with them and they just made me leave. Neither my mom cared where I was not my grandparents. 


Edited by absent, 29 June 2013 - 05:43 PM.

Stopped all medication due to financial problems. 

Been on: [1]Fluoxetine,[2]Citalopram, [3]Mirtazapine (4/7/2012-14/8/2012),[4] Escitalopram/Cirpalex 20mg (15/8/2012) + Depakote (1/8/2012) +Zopiclone (15/8/2012), [5]Sertaline 200mg + 2mg Diazepam 


#61 KidSurvivor2011

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Posted 30 June 2013 - 12:49 AM

I lost my dad when I was only 3, but I have pictures of him holding me, and I know he loved me. As for my mom, she would tell me she loved me, but she never meant it. I lost her when I was 10. I have no parents that can tell me they love me anymore.


~ KidSurvivor2011

#62 MoroseMagpie

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 10:33 AM

My Parents mainly used to hug me and tell me they loved me when they were drunk haha...It was awkward and uncomfortable, like I am now.



#63 GekidoYuuga

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 10:59 AM

My birth father would constantly tell me that he loved me, but he would never do anything with me. He wanted to sit in front of the T.V. (and later turned to the internet when that became more publicly accessible) and all my requests to spend time with him that involved other things were met with "No." When my parents divorced and I went to live with my mother, there would be no word from him for months at a time. When he did get in contact with me (usually around Father's Day or his birthday), he would apologize and still tell me that he loves me. That's still how things are.

 

My mother, when she wasn't being hyper-critical of everything I did, would smother me with affection to the point where I felt that I was suffocating. I think having that happen has caused me to have tactile sensitivity as an adult.

 

My step-father is someone who shows his feelings though actions and isn't one for saying much about how he feels unless he's really p****d off.

 

My birth father's wife talks to me even less than my birth father, though I will get the occasional Facebook message from her to call him since "he really misses you." Apparently, it's my job to maintain our relationship.



#64 Tessar

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Posted 03 July 2013 - 01:06 PM

I lost my dad when I was only 3, but I have pictures of him holding me, and I know he loved me. As for my mom, she would tell me she loved me, but she never meant it. I lost her when I was 10. I have no parents that can tell me they love me anymore.


U have family here.... I know it can't make up for the loss of your parents, but I hope we can help you along the way
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#65 djnelsen

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Posted 04 July 2013 - 10:00 AM

The problem with this poll, and drawing any conclusions from it, is that there are countless people who likewise weren't hugged/loved either, and they are doing just fine.

 

Not trying to be negative, but one of my problems I find I have is "red herrings": pinning the cause of my depressions on things that maybe aren't the cause... but I don't recognize it as a red herring, rather it's just yet another thing to feel depressed about.

 

No, I didn't get many hugs. But I didn't want to hug them either I guess, and I still don't... now I get to spiral on THIS depressing thought. yay.



#66 absent

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Posted 04 July 2013 - 01:20 PM

I don't think of this poll in terms of hugs and words. The way I think about it is: Did they show love/make you feel loved? Hugs and words would be the most conventional way, but what a child needs to grow up is a healthy and secure environment, and stable parents. This would mean meeting the child's emotional need. If you didn't feel need for hugs, then ok, but some children do need them and do not get them even when they beg for them. You can see everyday examples on the streets and the public transport. 

 

And not to mention that there are other factors and they cannot all be taken into account in one single poll (after all specialist do years of research on factors such as genetics, neurological, environmental and many others). So different people get influenced in a different way in the same situations. A child may not be hugged, but still can feel secure and grow up as confident adult that manages daily life and has coping technics to deal with the obstacles of life. 

 

And yet there is evidence that physical contact in the first months of baby development determines the outlook of the person (negative or positive), so if most people here have not been hugged as children, what is the chance, they have been (hugged) as babies? 

 

Just my 2 cents. 


Edited by absent, 04 July 2013 - 01:24 PM.

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Stopped all medication due to financial problems. 

Been on: [1]Fluoxetine,[2]Citalopram, [3]Mirtazapine (4/7/2012-14/8/2012),[4] Escitalopram/Cirpalex 20mg (15/8/2012) + Depakote (1/8/2012) +Zopiclone (15/8/2012), [5]Sertaline 200mg + 2mg Diazepam 


#67 Locut0s

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Posted 13 July 2013 - 06:39 PM

I don't think of this poll in terms of hugs and words. The way I think about it is: Did they show love/make you feel loved? Hugs and words would be the most conventional way, but what a child needs to grow up is a healthy and secure environment, and stable parents. This would mean meeting the child's emotional need. If you didn't feel need for hugs, then ok, but some children do need them and do not get them even when they beg for them. You can see everyday examples on the streets and the public transport. 

 

And not to mention that there are other factors and they cannot all be taken into account in one single poll (after all specialist do years of research on factors such as genetics, neurological, environmental and many others). So different people get influenced in a different way in the same situations. A child may not be hugged, but still can feel secure and grow up as confident adult that manages daily life and has coping technics to deal with the obstacles of life. 

 

And yet there is evidence that physical contact in the first months of baby development determines the outlook of the person (negative or positive), so if most people here have not been hugged as children, what is the chance, they have been (hugged) as babies? 

 

Just my 2 cents. 

 

Very good points absent. One thing is, I think sometimes a child doesn't realize what they want or are missing. Children aren't usually going to ask for hugs, they are instead going to act detached or emotionally neglected because they are not receiving them, but they won't understand why. If they don't like them they will let you know.

 

I also don't necessarily blame the parents in this. Parents raise their children the way they were raised. My parents love me to death. BUT I have the feeling that neither of their parents, my grandparents on both sides, ever showed much physical affection towards them.


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#68 cunninghamdarci

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Posted 15 October 2013 - 05:06 AM

There is a great book about this you can find on Amazon.  It's written under a pseudonym.  "Love Like Falling" by Jason Duchscherer

 

Talk about having a terrible relationship with your mother... you won't believe some of the stuff that happens to the main character.



#69 lyric

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Posted 15 October 2013 - 08:11 AM

My father was absent for almost my entire life so, I was only hugged and told I was loved by my mother. But she definitely did do that. She stopped hugging me, except in those generic ways we hug distant relatives, once I became an adolescent. This was part of her own abuse manifesting. Her mother's abuse really kicked off for my mom when she entered puberty. She periodically said she loved me, but that was reduced. 


Once there came a storm in the form of a girl . . .


#70 Saros

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 12:58 AM

Growing up, I wasn't told "love you" and don't remember being hugged, we were not physically affectionate. But I recall it as a good and stable environment.

 

Tbh, I think my last psych thought it was too much of a red flag when she heard about those omissions. The lack might be a sensible corollary of mental health for some, but not everyone.



#71 Bluestate

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 09:23 AM

My Dad was/is very loving and affectionate.  Lots of hugs and plenty of "I love you"s.  I think that is why I have always been in healthy romantic relationships.  My expectations for men have always been very high.  Damn, I love my Dad!

 

My mom not so much.  But she wasn't cold either.  She just wasn't really into being a parent.  But we've since become much closer and it's all good now.



#72 sober4life

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 09:53 AM

They've hugged me and they've said they loved me but i don't even know if I believe them.



#73 surfcaster

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 10:16 AM

no, i was mentally and physically abused by my parents from early childhood until i moved out at 20 years old. my father was a hard nosed policeman whose idea of letting you know he didn't like something was his fists,  my mother only mentally abused me and did nothing to stop the beatings. life was hard and i learned to hate and trust no one. i could go on and on but thats the basics of it


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Our greatest glory consist not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

#74 HopetoGetBetter

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 02:30 PM

Very rarely. My mother raised me without a father, and I remember very few times when my mother would hug me growing up. Before we got into a huge fight last weekend, she would try to hug me but I would get pretty resentful because I felt it was too late.



#75 Jazskye

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Posted 20 October 2013 - 04:14 AM

Dad died when I was 6, and mum never said she loved me and definitely never hugged me, but in her defence her childhood was pretty bad. And then again she isnt part of my life anymore so...

#76 thomas0212

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Posted 21 October 2013 - 05:41 PM

I remember as a child growing up, my mother would always tell me that she loved me and would hug me.  My father never so much as shook my hand till the day I graduated high school, let alone told me he loved me or was proud of me.

 

My brother on the other-hand, got all of the attention from my father.  I'm pretty sure my mother loved us both the same, at least she treated us the same anyways.



#77 in the shadows

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Posted 21 October 2013 - 07:38 PM

I grew up in a abusive house, my Dad never hugged or said he loved me,  my mom didnt say she loved me or give me hugs

by 9years old I was in a foster home and grew up in the court system. I use to see other kids getting love and affection and I remember thinking how lucky they were. my mom even told me she wished I was never born and I was a mistake.



#78 annasimoniaine

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Posted 22 October 2013 - 04:41 AM

I was always hugged and shown love, still am, as I'm only 19 and I live with them. I have always had a really strong bond with my parents, but I've grown too attached to them to the point where I'm pretty sure I couldn't live without them. As I've gotten older, this has actually gotten worse. I couldn't go on overnight school trips without panicking. This has shifted a bit in the last year, as I've found someone I feel I could spend my life with. I can be away from my parents when he's there. I still feel like I couldn't be alone, though, which means I'm probably far too dependent on my boyfriend when I'm away from my parents. The thought that some day my parents will die makes me feel so terrified, I feel like dying with them would be the better option.



#79 svendorrian

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Posted 22 October 2013 - 02:18 PM

Yes. Even though up to the age 7 my father secretly told me he was going to bury me alive..and he would show me his plan, the area, and the tools that he would use. Maybe he taught it was funny, but I did not. I eventually told my mother and she put a stop to that.....a few years later they were divorced....


Edited by svendorrian, 22 October 2013 - 02:19 PM.

My diagnonsis: Major Depression, PTSD, social anxiety disorder. Issues are chronic-permanent. On Antidepressants and Antipsychotics indefintiely. Mental Stability is an issue and it is monitored. Source: military combat tours. Therapy and Treatment is ongoing.

 

 


#80 Ultravisitor

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Posted 22 October 2013 - 09:20 PM

My parents were never affectionate from what I recall. They hug me and say "we love you" sometimes now that I'm an adult but they didn't when I was a kid. They're socially and emotionally really messed up and unskilled and I blame them for most of the problems I have now. My therapists have said that I am basically starting over and having to build up my emotional and social skills from the ground up as an adult.






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