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I Have A Lot Of Hate/anger Inside Me... What Can Help?


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#1 ThompsonCherry

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Posted 29 September 2012 - 09:16 AM

I didn't know if this was the right forum to post but if not, please feel free to move it.

I am 20 year old girl and since I was young I've always been very spoiled. I did almost everything I wanted and got almost everything I wanted, for although I was never wealthy I never had financial problems either. I grew up to find out that life isn't that easy and people will disappoint you and you will be wrong sometimes. I don't think I was very prepared for that due to my education.

I was always praised for being good at something, and I found out there was always someone better than me at something. That caused me to lose interest in the things I was good at because I didn't want to trouble myself at excelling the other person. For instance, at drawing, at writing, etc. I became very jealous of anyone who I felt was at some degree better looking or had more friends or something of the sort. I just couldn't stand not being the center of attention like I always was.

I can't stand when people criticize me either and I feel that I'm always right, even when I'm not - I convince myself other people's opinions don't matter. I get off on other people's misfortunes and I really don't know why. Maybe because I need to know someone feels worse than me... I am depressive and suffer from panic attacks for a couple years now, all of which I'm pretty sure derive from all this hate and anger that I have. I can't even explain why I do the things I do.

For instance, I get annoyed and irritated easily. I have a friend who is very delicate and speaks in a low tone, is clumsy and insecure. She annoys me to no end and the worst part is I can't pretend not to be irritated, she's able to tell but I don't think she knows it's about her. She always asks if something's wrong and I make something up about me having a bad day. I get like this not only at her but at a lot of my friends too. I normally feel everyone else is being slower than me when I'm always in a hurry, more stupid when I figure something out before everyone else, and that angers me.

I just feel like I'm becoming a misanthrope.

I used to be like this but for a few years I managed to create this masked personality of someone who is friendly and nice and social. But that is not who I am at all. I liked that person very much because it granted me a better life but now my true self is emerging and I can't seem to shake it. I don't like being moody all the time and telling people off for no reason. I hate not being liked at all. But yet, these feelings have been increasing day by day.

In a way, I feel I need to exteriorize all of this but on the other hand, I just don't wanna be this person. It's unhealthy and not normal. I'm not always like this, I have periods where I'm relatively nice and cool, but then I have other times where it seems like the bad vibes come all at once without me being able to help them or control them.

I was wondering what could I do to help? Any activities/tricks I could use to counter these feelings? Am I just experiencing hormone inbalances? I think they play a big part in this but I'm sure that is not all...


Thanks so much xx

Edited by ThompsonCherry, 29 September 2012 - 09:17 AM.

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~ If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I promise I will try to help! ~

If there's one thing I've learned in this life is that family ties can be your greatest treasures but also your greatest enemies. Be who you want to be, don't change for others but for your own self. Don't mind anyone calling you fake. Loser. Useless. Immature. Unrealistic. They don't stand in your shoes. Your happiness depends heavily on what you do, not who you are. If something is wrong, change it. You have the power, no one else. Positive thoughts attract positive people and positive situations. Don't give up on what you love! Follow your instincts but bear in mind other people's advices. Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you. It is true that what goes around comes around. Just because it all seems helpless now, things will get better! They always do!
Don't do anything rash, call someone and they will help you. Talk to friends and family. Don't hide or be scared. There are many people who can help. You are definitely not alone! Just look around, everyone here has problems of their own but they have the will to get help and provide help as well. Families don't have to be tied by blood. Support can come from the most unlikely of places. Welcome that support, it will do you good!

Also, if you want you can send me a friend request! Don't be shy ^_^

#2 Epictetus

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Posted 29 September 2012 - 10:13 AM

Hi ThompsonCherry,

I am not a mental health professional, but someone once told me that the best way to change oneself is first to accept oneself. Things are not always black and white and out there in the open. We have this three pound meat computer [our little brain] and there is lot in it. It is very mysterious. It picks up things from our childhood. Some even suggest it picks up things when we are in the womb. So many trillions of little forces affect it and a lot of things we think we "do" intentionally are actually the responses of our brains to trillions of things that are conscious, unconscious or barely-conscious. It doesn't really help to beat oneself up. We are what we have become but what we have become does not have to be the last chapter of the story. Acceptance is the most difficult thing I think. But it is the first step towards change. I try to love myself no matter what; try to enclose everything in a kind of love and compassion. For example, from my own life . . .

I love you Epic even though you are feeling like you are just selfish
I love you Epic even though you are feeling angry at yourself for being so selfish
I love you Epic even though you are feeling angry at yourself now for being angry at yourself
I love you Epic even though you are hating yourself for the past
I love you Epic even though you are now hating yourself for hating yourself
I love you Epic even though you are feeling stupid for hating yourself now
I love you Epic even though you are hating yourself for hating yourself for being stupid

And so on. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but I think it is easier to change if one feels acceptance for oneself. We have this little three pound meat computer. It has been through a lot. It is finite. It works hard. It does the best it can when it can. It makes mistakes. It is affected by things we know nothing off . . . childhood traumas we have forgotten perhaps . . . powerful unconscious fears we are only dimly aware of. One consolation is that no one is perfect and that everyone is struggling with the goings on in their own little three pound meat computers. It doesn't really help to beat the brain up mentally for the past. The past is past.

Sometimes it can help to talk to someone. I was helped by something called CBT. My brain suffered a depression and a doctor helped me with medication . . . which probably saved my life. A visit to the doctor is always a good idea if one is feeling depressed or overly anxious. I am not a medical doctor. I think you have probably done trillions and trillions of good and beautiful things in your life, for others, for yourself, even for strangers.

Others here usually give better advice than I do. Please check back to see what others have to say. I will be interested too. I wish you all the best. You sound very insightful to me. Have a wonderful weekend.

Edited by Epictetus, 29 September 2012 - 10:18 AM.

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 Your brain is your best friend.  It works 24 hours a day to keep you alive, healthy and happy.  As such it deserves love, respect, compassion, encouragement, understanding and consolation.  It is not an all-powerful all-perfect being.  It makes mistakes.  It can become ill.  But it always tries to make your health its #1 priority.  Where could one find a friend like that?  Even when you are sleeping it is trying to help you.    So it deserve love in good times and bad, it its successes and its failures, in sickness and in health.  It doesn't deserve to be mentally beat up with insults like:  weak, lazy, stupid,  loser, no good.  It does tens of thousands of strong, brave, clever, wise, good and beautiful things each day for you.

 

  If depression is related to hatred of the brain [even unconscious or organically caused], then it seems like learning to love the brain is one of the ways out of depression.  If putting a sense of life-or-death urgency on the brain in non-life-or-death situations stresses the brain out and leads to anxiety, then it seems like learning to be less demanding, more realistic and more compassion to the brain is one of the ways out of paralyzing anxiety.  


#3 Acadias

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Posted 29 September 2012 - 11:04 AM

Hey Cherry I'm not very good at these things but I can understand where you're coming from.
I think you should do same as you had posted on my thread as well and find the good qualities and shouldn't compare yourself to others. Easier said then done I know O:
I wish I could really give you better advice then this.

Edit
Here is what I use to do when I saw someone that was better then me, I pushed myself until I became better then them O:.


I also feel like talking it out with someone actually helps alot, I've been on this forum for 2 hours now and I feel much better then I did before thanks to you two.

Edited by Acadias, 29 September 2012 - 11:16 AM.


#4 ThompsonCherry

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Posted 29 September 2012 - 12:34 PM

Hi ThompsonCherry,

I am not a mental health professional, but someone once told me that the best way to change oneself is first to accept oneself. Things are not always black and white and out there in the open. We have this three pound meat computer [our little brain] and there is lot in it. It is very mysterious. It picks up things from our childhood. Some even suggest it picks up things when we are in the womb. So many trillions of little forces affect it and a lot of things we think we "do" intentionally are actually the responses of our brains to trillions of things that are conscious, unconscious or barely-conscious. It doesn't really help to beat oneself up. We are what we have become but what we have become does not have to be the last chapter of the story. Acceptance is the most difficult thing I think. But it is the first step towards change. I try to love myself no matter what; try to enclose everything in a kind of love and compassion. For example, from my own life . . .

I love you Epic even though you are feeling like you are just selfish
I love you Epic even though you are feeling angry at yourself for being so selfish
I love you Epic even though you are feeling angry at yourself now for being angry at yourself
I love you Epic even though you are hating yourself for the past
I love you Epic even though you are now hating yourself for hating yourself
I love you Epic even though you are feeling stupid for hating yourself now
I love you Epic even though you are hating yourself for hating yourself for being stupid

And so on. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but I think it is easier to change if one feels acceptance for oneself. We have this little three pound meat computer. It has been through a lot. It is finite. It works hard. It does the best it can when it can. It makes mistakes. It is affected by things we know nothing off . . . childhood traumas we have forgotten perhaps . . . powerful unconscious fears we are only dimly aware of. One consolation is that no one is perfect and that everyone is struggling with the goings on in their own little three pound meat computers. It doesn't really help to beat the brain up mentally for the past. The past is past.

Sometimes it can help to talk to someone. I was helped by something called CBT. My brain suffered a depression and a doctor helped me with medication . . . which probably saved my life. A visit to the doctor is always a good idea if one is feeling depressed or overly anxious. I am not a medical doctor. I think you have probably done trillions and trillions of good and beautiful things in your life, for others, for yourself, even for strangers.

Others here usually give better advice than I do. Please check back to see what others have to say. I will be interested too. I wish you all the best. You sound very insightful to me. Have a wonderful weekend.


Hey Epictetus,


I try that approach sometimes but it's somehow unrealiable, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Not to say it's not a good way of thinking because it did help me understand a few things about myself. It's quite a nice introspection procedure!

My problem is very much that: I can't accept who I am. I feel I could be so much better and do so much more. I feel I could be accepted so much easier if I was a nicer, kinder person. Being grumpy and looking angry won't help you make friends or being considered for pretty much anything... :( Plus, I wish people would leave me alone and just understand it better and not try to cheer me up and try to figure out what's going on - it only makes me angrier! And then I just want to be alone for the rest of the day, which is pretty much impossible.

There's a lot in my past I don't remember/was suppressed and I know it's for a reason. Maybe that's what's making me act like this, maybe not.

I have seen a therapist but because of personal reasons I had to discontinue treatment for the meantime. I do plan on going back though, as I'm feeling over-stressed and in need to talk more and more. It's great that I can come here and share my thoughts with everyone while helping others too, I'm really really grateful for that ^^

Hey Cherry I'm not very good at these things but I can understand where you're coming from.
I think you should do same as you had posted on my thread as well and find the good qualities and shouldn't compare yourself to others. Easier said then done I know O:
I wish I could really give you better advice then this.

Edit
Here is what I use to do when I saw someone that was better then me, I pushed myself until I became better then them O:.


I also feel like talking it out with someone actually helps alot, I've been on this forum for 2 hours now and I feel much better then I did before thanks to you two.


Yes, you are quite right. I feel it's really easy for me to help others but helping myself is so hard... I don't know why, maybe because I feel no sympathy for me sometimes (whereas other times I am the most self-pitying person in the world :/ ).

I wish I could push myself like you said but every time I try it just feels so worthless because I usually don't make it to where I want to and I just feel too frustrated and worthless to try again. I think it's because I'm such a perfectionist that I will never satisfy myself. I can't tell if that's good or bad, honestly. I always feel like, no matter how hard I try, I will never make it. So I just end up not doing anything; I just think, well, since no effort is good enough, I might as well not tire myself and just accept things as they are. I will end up in the same place either way. Which is quite sad now that I put it into words but it's hard for me to think any other way.

I am, however, so happy that I could help you :laugh: It always makes me feel warm inside to know I made a difference for someone else and actually made their day a bit better. I remember the first time I came here with a problem and how well-received I was so I plan on giving back as well every time I can.




Best wishes for the both of you & thank you ~
~ If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I promise I will try to help! ~

If there's one thing I've learned in this life is that family ties can be your greatest treasures but also your greatest enemies. Be who you want to be, don't change for others but for your own self. Don't mind anyone calling you fake. Loser. Useless. Immature. Unrealistic. They don't stand in your shoes. Your happiness depends heavily on what you do, not who you are. If something is wrong, change it. You have the power, no one else. Positive thoughts attract positive people and positive situations. Don't give up on what you love! Follow your instincts but bear in mind other people's advices. Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you. It is true that what goes around comes around. Just because it all seems helpless now, things will get better! They always do!
Don't do anything rash, call someone and they will help you. Talk to friends and family. Don't hide or be scared. There are many people who can help. You are definitely not alone! Just look around, everyone here has problems of their own but they have the will to get help and provide help as well. Families don't have to be tied by blood. Support can come from the most unlikely of places. Welcome that support, it will do you good!

Also, if you want you can send me a friend request! Don't be shy ^_^

#5 Acadias

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Posted 29 September 2012 - 01:47 PM

I'm glad I could be of service, hopefully I'll have some more problems you can help me with.

The thing I like about these forums even though I'm fairly new, is from what I can see we are all very supportive of each other. While we have problems dealing with our own problems we try to our best to help someone else and they the same to us.



I have a favor to ask of you, would you mind drawing me a picture! You said you can draw, I would love to see a drawing.

Edited by Acadias, 29 September 2012 - 01:51 PM.


#6 LaurynJcat

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Posted 29 September 2012 - 04:02 PM

Hi Cherry.

Your post touches on something I have felt and read about for a long time. I believe that we in the Western world are taught a very ego-centric way of thinking. It's not just you. I've spent a lot of time working with kids and teenagers, and every kid wants to be a star, be a celebrity when he or she grows up - rich and famous and "loved" (even if they don't even know what for). And we are taught this is something we CAN all achieve if we try hard enough. But the truth is, look at real celebrities and the horrible problems that run rampant among them - addiction, rehab, multiple marriages, etc. Celebrity is a hollow victory. Yet we are taught by our pop culture that this is the way to happiness. And if we don't achieve it we feel like we are nothing, because we're not stars. We hate others (like your friend who is soft-spoken and insecure) because they remind us of what we don't like in ourselves.

Check out _The Power of Now_ by Ekhart Tolle. It's about so much more than the title implies. It really solved this issue for me. I am far less judgmental of both others and myself.

Hugs,
Lauryn

Edited by LaurynJcat, 29 September 2012 - 04:03 PM.

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"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."
- William Ehrmann, from "Desiderata."  
 
"Nothing you ever did or that was ever done to you could touch, even in the slightest, the radiant essence of who you are."
- Ekhart Tolle, from _The Power of Now_.    Posted Image   Posted Image

#7 ThompsonCherry

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Posted 05 October 2012 - 05:26 PM

Hi Cherry.

Your post touches on something I have felt and read about for a long time. I believe that we in the Western world are taught a very ego-centric way of thinking. It's not just you. I've spent a lot of time working with kids and teenagers, and every kid wants to be a star, be a celebrity when he or she grows up - rich and famous and "loved" (even if they don't even know what for). And we are taught this is something we CAN all achieve if we try hard enough. But the truth is, look at real celebrities and the horrible problems that run rampant among them - addiction, rehab, multiple marriages, etc. Celebrity is a hollow victory. Yet we are taught by our pop culture that this is the way to happiness. And if we don't achieve it we feel like we are nothing, because we're not stars. We hate others (like your friend who is soft-spoken and insecure) because they remind us of what we don't like in ourselves.

Check out _The Power of Now_ by Ekhart Tolle. It's about so much more than the title implies. It really solved this issue for me. I am far less judgmental of both others and myself.

Hugs,
Lauryn


Yes, exactly! I believe my friend annoys me because she represents a lot of things that I used to be (and sometimes still am) but because I hated to be like that I tried my best to become more sure of myself, more independent, more confident and less afraid of everything and everyone. I used to avoid conficts all the time, I couldn't bear the thought of being hated and judged. And when she confides me these fears of her, I can't help but want to slap her across the face and tell her to shut up and grow a backbone already. It makes me so mad because, indeed, she'll all I hate/d about myself and I don't like being confronted with all of it again.

Indeed we are taught that way but if you think about eastern society, they too are very competitive and strive for excellence. Asian people are soooo good at many things and it's not because they are built differently (have better brains or capacities), it's just because they are always working hard to achieve their goals. Whereas we spend a greater time complaining about not being able to achieve them, even if we haven't tried. For instance, when I think about those prodigy kids who are so good at some instrument or something of the sort, I feel really really worthless. I can't think of anything I'm excellent at. I am good at a thing or two but I can't even be brilliant at anything. It's really frustrating because I don't even have the will to try and get better since I know I will never get to the point where they are/can be or even what I aspire. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but it's ver hard when everyone around you keeps doing it.

I think maybe it's because I always heard it during my childhood, in both ways. At first it was people telling others to look up to me and try to be more like me because I was actually a good kid who had good grades and was good at some things. But that caused the other kids to get jealous and even hate me, so I was always sort of bullied by them. Eventually I think I decided it wasn't worth it to be hated so I "downgraded" myself and decided to want to be just like everyone else, average and not special. But that wasn't good either because later on, all the kids were developing their capacities and I was too afraid to do so and get in the spotlight again. I don't need people to recognize me, in fact, I guess I always hated it. But I need to recognize myself and be able to say I've done my best and I've excelled at what I set myself to excel. When neither happens I become really depressed and feel like nothing.

I will definitely try that book, I need all the help I can get. Thank you so much for your support!

I'm glad I could be of service, hopefully I'll have some more problems you can help me with.

The thing I like about these forums even though I'm fairly new, is from what I can see we are all very supportive of each other. While we have problems dealing with our own problems we try to our best to help someone else and they the same to us.



I have a favor to ask of you, would you mind drawing me a picture! You said you can draw, I would love to see a drawing.


We can help each other in ways we're not even fully aware of. For instance, we might have gone through the same things and know how to overcome the situation or we may also try to find a solution together while exploring the issue. It's really a great experience, to be in this forum and meet all these wonderful people that actually care. Usually we do go through the same stuff at one point in our lives and because everyone is of different ages, we all have different types of wisdom to share :)

I would love to draw you but the thing is... I don't know, I think I've developed a sort of aversion to drawing just because it used to be my main "ability" when I was younger and I always got all the attention because of it, so I was very envied and pressured to do well. So I've made many enemies, people who would be jealous and try to bring me down for being better than them at something. So eventually I grew tired of people always expecting me to do something special or get the evil eye from others. And also because some of my family members thought it was a waste of time and that I could never think of following arts when I became older (which was something I would have liked). So I decided to stop drawing because altogether. It just seemed so pointless and brought me the wrong kind of attention.... I loved to draw because it was a personal thing and when someone fussed over it, it just made me feel really bad. So yeah.

That being said, though, I will definitely try to draw you something ^^ I don't know how well I'll do because I'm rusty but they say when you have the talent, you can't really lose it. I don't know if I have any talent but I used to get compliments so maybe. Who knows haha. I will make sure to at least think hard about it and if you have something you'd like in particular tell me and I'll see what I can do.

Once again, thank you for your help *hugs*
~ If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I promise I will try to help! ~

If there's one thing I've learned in this life is that family ties can be your greatest treasures but also your greatest enemies. Be who you want to be, don't change for others but for your own self. Don't mind anyone calling you fake. Loser. Useless. Immature. Unrealistic. They don't stand in your shoes. Your happiness depends heavily on what you do, not who you are. If something is wrong, change it. You have the power, no one else. Positive thoughts attract positive people and positive situations. Don't give up on what you love! Follow your instincts but bear in mind other people's advices. Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you. It is true that what goes around comes around. Just because it all seems helpless now, things will get better! They always do!
Don't do anything rash, call someone and they will help you. Talk to friends and family. Don't hide or be scared. There are many people who can help. You are definitely not alone! Just look around, everyone here has problems of their own but they have the will to get help and provide help as well. Families don't have to be tied by blood. Support can come from the most unlikely of places. Welcome that support, it will do you good!

Also, if you want you can send me a friend request! Don't be shy ^_^

#8 Joyandsmile

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 02:32 PM

Cherry, that so sounds like me! hehe.. I gave up in a lot of things that I think I can't be the best as well... Since I can't be the best, then might as well get used to being a loser... that's me..

Well.. I guess we don't hate others and get angry at others when we stop comparing.. It took quite a long time for me to get out from comparing myself to others (I still do at times.. =() Or maybe realise this: Although we can't be the best, but what we can do (in that particular time, place, with/towards that particular people creating that particular effects) is only WE that can do it, no one else... So, the same applies to others. What they can do, we can't.. =)

keep update~ <3
  • ThompsonCherry and Hope4theBest like this
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry;
they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. :upside:

You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you. :laugh:

Distress tolerance is "the ability to perceive one's environment without putting demands on it to be different; to experience one's current emotional state without attempting to change it; and to observe one's own thoughts and action patterns without attempting to stop or control them" (Linehan, 1993, p. 147).

#9 ThompsonCherry

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 03:45 PM

Joyandsmile, your name made me feel more relaxed already! I just knew you'd have something positive to teach me haha

I really need to try that approach and see if it helps, thank you ;D
  • Hope4theBest likes this
~ If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I promise I will try to help! ~

If there's one thing I've learned in this life is that family ties can be your greatest treasures but also your greatest enemies. Be who you want to be, don't change for others but for your own self. Don't mind anyone calling you fake. Loser. Useless. Immature. Unrealistic. They don't stand in your shoes. Your happiness depends heavily on what you do, not who you are. If something is wrong, change it. You have the power, no one else. Positive thoughts attract positive people and positive situations. Don't give up on what you love! Follow your instincts but bear in mind other people's advices. Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you. It is true that what goes around comes around. Just because it all seems helpless now, things will get better! They always do!
Don't do anything rash, call someone and they will help you. Talk to friends and family. Don't hide or be scared. There are many people who can help. You are definitely not alone! Just look around, everyone here has problems of their own but they have the will to get help and provide help as well. Families don't have to be tied by blood. Support can come from the most unlikely of places. Welcome that support, it will do you good!

Also, if you want you can send me a friend request! Don't be shy ^_^

#10 Joyandsmile

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Posted 08 October 2012 - 03:55 PM

Haha~ Thanks Cherry~ I pick this name to remind myself to have joy as well~ hhehe..

Glad to help~ <3
  • Onelightburning likes this
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry;
they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. :upside:

You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you. :laugh:

Distress tolerance is "the ability to perceive one's environment without putting demands on it to be different; to experience one's current emotional state without attempting to change it; and to observe one's own thoughts and action patterns without attempting to stop or control them" (Linehan, 1993, p. 147).

#11 Onelightburning

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Posted 11 October 2012 - 03:19 PM

Hi,
I can relate to a whole lot in your post, I get very jealous too when somebody's better than me and I'm very competitive. I always wanted to be the best in the class, and the center of attention. We all have some flaws as nobody's perfect! If you really want to dig deep, and you feel like it's an issue, then consider having a therapist to work with you through this. It's precious that you try to live up to an ideal, and be better, but is it worth it if it just doesn't feel like you?
  • ThompsonCherry, Joyandsmile and Hope4theBest like this

#12 ThompsonCherry

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Posted 11 October 2012 - 04:32 PM

I've been to a therapist but we never got to this issue.... There were just too many hahaha. I do wish we had, though, because I see how important it is now that it's resurfacing and growing bigger everyday. For now I just try to have nice thoughts even when I'm not feeling very nice and everything around me feels annoying.

I'm just glad I'm not the only one like this! :)
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~ If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I promise I will try to help! ~

If there's one thing I've learned in this life is that family ties can be your greatest treasures but also your greatest enemies. Be who you want to be, don't change for others but for your own self. Don't mind anyone calling you fake. Loser. Useless. Immature. Unrealistic. They don't stand in your shoes. Your happiness depends heavily on what you do, not who you are. If something is wrong, change it. You have the power, no one else. Positive thoughts attract positive people and positive situations. Don't give up on what you love! Follow your instincts but bear in mind other people's advices. Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you. It is true that what goes around comes around. Just because it all seems helpless now, things will get better! They always do!
Don't do anything rash, call someone and they will help you. Talk to friends and family. Don't hide or be scared. There are many people who can help. You are definitely not alone! Just look around, everyone here has problems of their own but they have the will to get help and provide help as well. Families don't have to be tied by blood. Support can come from the most unlikely of places. Welcome that support, it will do you good!

Also, if you want you can send me a friend request! Don't be shy ^_^

#13 Joyandsmile

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Posted 12 October 2012 - 01:57 AM

you are surely not alone, darling! ^^
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry;
they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. :upside:

You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you. :laugh:

Distress tolerance is "the ability to perceive one's environment without putting demands on it to be different; to experience one's current emotional state without attempting to change it; and to observe one's own thoughts and action patterns without attempting to stop or control them" (Linehan, 1993, p. 147).

#14 Hope4theBest

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Posted 12 October 2012 - 02:58 PM

I could have written same thing- about being spoiled growing up. I was a late child- My Mom had me in her 40's....I was her little 'doll' , she praised me for everything, the world seemed to be a protective happy place.....I grew up expecting (and needing) to be an A student but also 'do everything right'. When I learned how the workplace is, I couldnty believe it.
It was a rude awakening!.

Praise and love are given by parents (hopefully) but out in the world-not so much.

HUGE unrealistic expectations on myself. I had what they call 'masked" depression, in that I can put on a great act at the workplace, but then when Im home-Im different. I understand about your friend. I get easily irritated.

One therapist mentioned that even if I got into an ivy league law school, it 'wouldnt be enough' for my dad. This therapist was pretty astute. Anyway I get where ur coming from, like ur avatar too, shes very pretty.
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IF YOU ARE LONELY WHEN YOU ARE ALONE , THEN YOU ARE IN BAD COMPANY
~Jean Paul Sartre

#15 ThompsonCherry

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Posted 13 October 2012 - 06:52 AM

I could have written same thing- about being spoiled growing up. I was a late child- My Mom had me in her 40's....I was her little 'doll' , she praised me for everything, the world seemed to be a protective happy place.....I grew up expecting (and needing) to be an A student but also 'do everything right'. When I learned how the workplace is, I couldnty believe it.
It was a rude awakening!.

Praise and love are given by parents (hopefully) but out in the world-not so much.

HUGE unrealistic expectations on myself. I had what they call 'masked" depression, in that I can put on a great act at the workplace, but then when Im home-Im different. I understand about your friend. I get easily irritated.

One therapist mentioned that even if I got into an ivy league law school, it 'wouldnt be enough' for my dad. This therapist was pretty astute. Anyway I get where ur coming from, like ur avatar too, shes very pretty.


Hi Hope4TheBest!


That's exactly what happened to me. My therapist described it as me living in a little bubble, protected by my family, and everytime a hole (problem) would appear, they would just hurry and cover it up without me even noticing it. But now there's too many holes and they can't cover them all and besides, they wouldn't be able to protect me forever. There are these "holes" that only I can cover up. But I never learned how to. So I just feel so helpless and anxious all the time, because I feel I can't deal with my problems. Which is quite worrying...

I also have those unrealistic expectations. I'm sort of a "all or nothing" person, I'm never satisfied with only a bit of what I wanted - I either want it all or would rather have nothing of it. I know, it's the worst.

Maybe that's what I have, a "masked" depression. No one in college, for instance, would say I'm depressed because I'm always bubbly and positive about everything around them. I never complain about personal problems, in fact, I would think no one knows about my personal life. No one really knows me because I've built up this character that I feel is appropriate for social life but when I get home or am around my mom or boyfriend, whom I am comfortable with, I will just be myself.

Only my closest closest friends would know something is up and even then I would have to openly tell them. Otherwise they'd just assume I was perfectly okay. I've had many people be surprised when I slip in something personal because they are aware I never share anything about myself. Sometimes tastes and stuff, but not something about *myself* as a person.

It's quite exhausting if you think about it, to put up these characters for different situations. Bottom line is, I am never *truly* myself unless I'm alone. But I am quite close to it around people I trust and know they accept me for who I am, with all my flaws. But most of the time I'm just too scared of being judged and rejected, so I have a certain attitude and poise towards others. I think the main reason I do this is because I can't stand people seeing my weaknesses because I just know they'll use them against me sooner or later. I've had experiences in the past. So to make sure that doesn't happen, I appear flawless as much as possible. It's my safety blanket.

So maybe that's what you have too? I believe it might be similar.

And thanks, your avatar is so pretty too! But what I really love is your nickname, it just makes me think you're a positive person and I love that :)
  • Joyandsmile and Hope4theBest like this
~ If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I promise I will try to help! ~

If there's one thing I've learned in this life is that family ties can be your greatest treasures but also your greatest enemies. Be who you want to be, don't change for others but for your own self. Don't mind anyone calling you fake. Loser. Useless. Immature. Unrealistic. They don't stand in your shoes. Your happiness depends heavily on what you do, not who you are. If something is wrong, change it. You have the power, no one else. Positive thoughts attract positive people and positive situations. Don't give up on what you love! Follow your instincts but bear in mind other people's advices. Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you. It is true that what goes around comes around. Just because it all seems helpless now, things will get better! They always do!
Don't do anything rash, call someone and they will help you. Talk to friends and family. Don't hide or be scared. There are many people who can help. You are definitely not alone! Just look around, everyone here has problems of their own but they have the will to get help and provide help as well. Families don't have to be tied by blood. Support can come from the most unlikely of places. Welcome that support, it will do you good!

Also, if you want you can send me a friend request! Don't be shy ^_^

#16 Hope4theBest

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Posted 20 October 2012 - 12:35 AM


I could have written same thing- about being spoiled growing up. I was a late child- My Mom had me in her 40's....I was her little 'doll' , she praised me for everything, the world seemed to be a protective happy place.....I grew up expecting (and needing) to be an A student but also 'do everything right'. When I learned how the workplace is, I couldnty believe it.
It was a rude awakening!.

Praise and love are given by parents (hopefully) but out in the world-not so much.

HUGE unrealistic expectations on myself. I had what they call 'masked" depression, in that I can put on a great act at the workplace, but then when Im home-Im different. I understand about your friend. I get easily irritated.

One therapist mentioned that even if I got into an ivy league law school, it 'wouldnt be enough' for my dad. This therapist was pretty astute. Anyway I get where ur coming from, like ur avatar too, shes very pretty.


Hi Hope4TheBest!


That's exactly what happened to me. My therapist described it as me living in a little bubble, protected by my family, and everytime a hole (problem) would appear, they would just hurry and cover it up without me even noticing it. But now there's too many holes and they can't cover them all and besides, they wouldn't be able to protect me forever. There are these "holes" that only I can cover up. But I never learned how to. So I just feel so helpless and anxious all the time, because I feel I can't deal with my problems. Which is quite worrying...

I also have those unrealistic expectations. I'm sort of a "all or nothing" person, I'm never satisfied with only a bit of what I wanted - I either want it all or would rather have nothing of it. I know, it's the worst.

Maybe that's what I have, a "masked" depression. No one in college, for instance, would say I'm depressed because I'm always bubbly and positive about everything around them. I never complain about personal problems, in fact, I would think no one knows about my personal life. No one really knows me because I've built up this character that I feel is appropriate for social life but when I get home or am around my mom or boyfriend, whom I am comfortable with, I will just be myself.

Only my closest closest friends would know something is up and even then I would have to openly tell them. Otherwise they'd just assume I was perfectly okay. I've had many people be surprised when I slip in something personal because they are aware I never share anything about myself. Sometimes tastes and stuff, but not something about *myself* as a person.

It's quite exhausting if you think about it, to put up these characters for different situations. Bottom line is, I am never *truly* myself unless I'm alone. But I am quite close to it around people I trust and know they accept me for who I am, with all my flaws. But most of the time I'm just too scared of being judged and rejected, so I have a certain attitude and poise towards others. I think the main reason I do this is because I can't stand people seeing my weaknesses because I just know they'll use them against me sooner or later. I've had experiences in the past. So to make sure that doesn't happen, I appear flawless as much as possible. It's my safety blanket.

So maybe that's what you have too? I believe it might be similar.

And thanks, your avatar is so pretty too! But what I really love is your nickname, it just makes me think you're a positive person and I love that :)





Thanks: ) sorry I took so long to get back to this thread

Yes- In college I was popular everything "went right" and I did have a good facade. We may be similar! I was closed off though.

In talk therapy I finally could 'drop the mask' . You know one thing really cool I learned that my dr said- he had many "materialistically succesful " people he saw, were miserable inside. And that it was good I was being honest with myself before mid life crisis:)

I hope this helps a little. Thanks re: my name, its a new perspective I am having, at least trying to have.

Also I notice with anger its about "things not being fair" . I get enraged about injustices that are done to people/feeling powerless, but I guess its a good thing if I can use it to my benefit...the anger is coming from passion over something, i think...Maybe if you can see where the anger starts? just a thought...
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IF YOU ARE LONELY WHEN YOU ARE ALONE , THEN YOU ARE IN BAD COMPANY
~Jean Paul Sartre

#17 ThompsonCherry

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Posted 21 October 2012 - 01:24 PM

I do get angry about unfairness... For instance, when I feel I've worked a lot on a college project and I feel it's quite good but I receive an average grade and then someone else just copies from a buddy, not doing anything, and receives a good grade it's just ugh, I hate it. It's not just about getting a bad grade and the other person getting a good one, it's the fact that I worked hard and they didn't. And it's so unfair. Another example is when people are mean towards others and still they seem to like them a lot and hang around them for no apparent reason; and I'm usually a nice person but when I do something remotely "mean" everyone judges me like I'm the evil of all evils. And the true evil people just get away with it, because they somehow seem to be able to charm others. It's something I can't understand and angers me SO much.

So yes, that's one of the reasons I've been feeling so misanthropic lately. It seems like everyone are such... I can't even describe. Not just being dumb but also being awful. I'm under a lot of stress so I understand my mind might amplify all of the "idiocy" that is going on in the world and make it seem huge. Also, my patience is at its lowest and I don't seem to find any reason why I should be compassionate about others, when they don't do the same for me. Much less find out why *I'm* acting like I do sometimes.

Ever since I posted this thread though, I've been trying to follow everyone's advises and just taking it easy. Find out my motives. Go around my own temper and just breathe a little. I'm the kind of person who's very impulsive and tends to open their mouth before thinking, which usually ends up in disaster. I do feel like I'm quite misunderstood by everyone and that is one of the things that angers me the most :/ I feel like, every time I try to be myself someone just cuts me right off and I decide to go back to my mask to avoid conflicts. I don't deal very well with them...

One thing I do agree with you is that most people we think are happy and successful and plain perfect are just a wreck on the inside. That's what keeps me from feeling so miserable sometimes, I guess. Although it's not that good a thing haha

Edited by ThompsonCherry, 21 October 2012 - 01:25 PM.

  • Hope4theBest likes this
~ If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a PM. I promise I will try to help! ~

If there's one thing I've learned in this life is that family ties can be your greatest treasures but also your greatest enemies. Be who you want to be, don't change for others but for your own self. Don't mind anyone calling you fake. Loser. Useless. Immature. Unrealistic. They don't stand in your shoes. Your happiness depends heavily on what you do, not who you are. If something is wrong, change it. You have the power, no one else. Positive thoughts attract positive people and positive situations. Don't give up on what you love! Follow your instincts but bear in mind other people's advices. Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you. It is true that what goes around comes around. Just because it all seems helpless now, things will get better! They always do!
Don't do anything rash, call someone and they will help you. Talk to friends and family. Don't hide or be scared. There are many people who can help. You are definitely not alone! Just look around, everyone here has problems of their own but they have the will to get help and provide help as well. Families don't have to be tied by blood. Support can come from the most unlikely of places. Welcome that support, it will do you good!

Also, if you want you can send me a friend request! Don't be shy ^_^

#18 Hope4theBest

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Posted 23 October 2012 - 03:51 PM

If you can use the anger towards something positive that you care about, sometimes it helps.

Its hard sometimes though.
Unfairness is all over, I hear what you mean re :Compassion.

Its been quite awhile, Other than here on DF Ive seen much empathy or compassion in society, in general. I feel like I give too much to people Ive known IRL , and get no help in return also.
IF YOU ARE LONELY WHEN YOU ARE ALONE , THEN YOU ARE IN BAD COMPANY
~Jean Paul Sartre

#19 zeds

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Posted 12 January 2014 - 10:00 AM

@Thompsoncherry: After reading your posts, I am quite convinced you should write a book because you have a fine clarity in your description. 

Life gets tough I guess. I totally relate to the discussion here. I am dealing with the same actually. Especially the line in which you state how others can seem to be easily geting away with the unfair while I get to be noticed as an evil at once!

 

I srongly agree with the notion that it mostly happens at school/college as the competition is out there and not in the family. We are raised to be better which comes with great challenges.

 

I was always a reserved individual but I wanted to feel how it is to be social like most people. Although.I was always into sports, and a good student but not that social.. so ya I tried to go into the social facade too, and then realized that it was draining me. I could've continued tolerating the surroundings but when it starts to affect our energy that's when the lines are crossed.   

 

I wish everyone luck.






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