I am 20 year old girl and since I was young I've always been very spoiled. I did almost everything I wanted and got almost everything I wanted, for although I was never wealthy I never had financial problems either. I grew up to find out that life isn't that easy and people will disappoint you and you will be wrong sometimes. I don't think I was very prepared for that due to my education.
I was always praised for being good at something, and I found out there was always someone better than me at something. That caused me to lose interest in the things I was good at because I didn't want to trouble myself at excelling the other person. For instance, at drawing, at writing, etc. I became very jealous of anyone who I felt was at some degree better looking or had more friends or something of the sort. I just couldn't stand not being the center of attention like I always was.
I can't stand when people criticize me either and I feel that I'm always right, even when I'm not - I convince myself other people's opinions don't matter. I get off on other people's misfortunes and I really don't know why. Maybe because I need to know someone feels worse than me... I am depressive and suffer from panic attacks for a couple years now, all of which I'm pretty sure derive from all this hate and anger that I have. I can't even explain why I do the things I do.
For instance, I get annoyed and irritated easily. I have a friend who is very delicate and speaks in a low tone, is clumsy and insecure. She annoys me to no end and the worst part is I can't pretend not to be irritated, she's able to tell but I don't think she knows it's about her. She always asks if something's wrong and I make something up about me having a bad day. I get like this not only at her but at a lot of my friends too. I normally feel everyone else is being slower than me when I'm always in a hurry, more stupid when I figure something out before everyone else, and that angers me.
I just feel like I'm becoming a misanthrope.
I used to be like this but for a few years I managed to create this masked personality of someone who is friendly and nice and social. But that is not who I am at all. I liked that person very much because it granted me a better life but now my true self is emerging and I can't seem to shake it. I don't like being moody all the time and telling people off for no reason. I hate not being liked at all. But yet, these feelings have been increasing day by day.
In a way, I feel I need to exteriorize all of this but on the other hand, I just don't wanna be this person. It's unhealthy and not normal. I'm not always like this, I have periods where I'm relatively nice and cool, but then I have other times where it seems like the bad vibes come all at once without me being able to help them or control them.
I was wondering what could I do to help? Any activities/tricks I could use to counter these feelings? Am I just experiencing hormone inbalances? I think they play a big part in this but I'm sure that is not all...
Thanks so much xx
Edited by ThompsonCherry, 29 September 2012 - 09:17 AM.