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[stewball]

Hey, im new to this. Ive been suffering from mild depression along with social anxiety for the last 3-4 years. I had never seen anyone to get help with these problems as id always put it down to stress and thought if my life got that bit easier and better, my problems would go away but they never.
I managed to get myself a fulltime job, ''which was crippling due to social anxiety'' working on checkouts and stuck this out for near 2 years.
3 months ago everything good i had came to an end when my girlfriend of 2 years left me and moved back with her mum. I had to leave my job as i had hit rock bottom and couldnt cope, i then also had to sell my 1st car that i had only got a couple of months previous due to not bein able to afford to keep it.

From then i have went to see my GP and have been prescribed citalopram (celexa) for moderately severe depression and anxiety. I took 10mg for the 1st 2 weeks, and im nearing the end of the 3rd week on 20mg (5weeks in total). Ive to see her again at 8 weeks (3weeks time) to see how im getting on.

My panic attacks and racing thoughts calmed within the 1st day or 2 and i havnt felt near to one since. The problem is i dont feel a great deal of lift in my mood. Im finding it hard to get off to sleep at nights and waking earlier than usual in the mornings. I feel a great sense of dread when i wake along with negative thoughts and heightened anxiety and cant keep my feet still for some reason. Its really hard trying to get out of bed as i just want to sleep the day away and not have to face these horrible feelings, but once i do get up and take the dog out a walk, i find i feel the dread lifts but i still feel unmotivated, unhappy, no energy, and no joy out of anything i do. I cant think positive about anything and feel i have nothing or no life to look forward to, i just want to be indoors and away from the world.

Im just wanting to know of anyone elses experiences when starting off on citalopram, or any AD and does it get better and when and how will i know? Im seeing a psychotherapist for CBT initially for my social anxiety but after 4 weeks, wee still cant get to do anything as my mood is still so low. He says things like, i need to develop a routine, and get out as much as i can and be around people, but its so hard. I feel so emotionally unstable when im out and feel so drained that i need to be back in the house resting.

I just really want things to get better as its really upsetting, it feels like things are never going to change.

[Epictetus]

Hi Stewheadmufc,

Nice to meet you. You write very well. I'm sorry that you are suffering depression and anxiety but you are doing all the right things. Congratulations. It does get better and especially when one does all the right things! The medication and CBT got me through my darkest depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

Depression is complex and not fully understood. But there is some preliminary research which links depression to a reduction in volume in the brain. One area of the brain which is connected to sleep, appetite and mood among other functions can atrophy [lose volume through shrinking and wasting away]. In serious long-standing depressions this atrophy can result in as much as a 20% loss of volume in this important brain area. If you think about it, a 20% volumetric loss is huge and it is amazing that the brain can function in the face of such a profound loss. If I lost 20% of the roof over my head, it would be a pretty serious matter. Antidepressants go to work almost immediately but can take 4-6 weeks to normalize brain function and reverse atrophy. This can be an agonizing nightmare when you are suffering and each minute is brutal. But it can take years or decades for the brain to get this sick and it cannot heal itself quickly.

Another recent study of depression has linked it to a 28% thinning of the right outer layer of the brain [the cerbral cortex] in those with a family history of depression. During a depression, the left outer layer can also show profound thinning. A 28% thinning of this area of the brain is also a profound loss. MRI studies of depressed brains show reduced regional cerebral blood flow and glucose metabolism. So there can be serious disease pathology involved in depression. Of course all research is subject to research caveats.

The good news is that both antidepressant chemotherapy and evidence-based therapies like CBT work to help the brain heal and rid itself of this disease pathology and streessors. So you are doing all the right things and I commend you. I know from personal experience how cruel and brutal depression and anxiety are. I don't think anyone who hasn't suffered these illnesses can understand the depth of the suffering and pain of it all.

I want to welcome you to this Forum where fellow-sufferers are kind and understanding and are here to help. I have leaned on so many wonderful people here in my darkest hours. Please feel free to lean on us. Thank-you for posting such a poignant and well-written post about your experiences. It will help so many people to realize that they are not alone with this cruel illness. I send you all my best thoughts and wishes for your recovery. Please work closely with your doc and therapist to optimize your treatment. Many believe that treatment should aim at total remission, as any lingering symptoms of depression can be signs that the brain is still in an active disease state. Please be good to yourself while your brain is hurt to much and remember that you are a victim of one of the most debilitating illnesses known to the human race. Things will change. Hang on, things will get better!

Edited by Ep1ctetus, 15 September 2012 - 09:25 AM.

[stewball]

Hi, thanks very much for your reply :)

I search the internet constantly to seek assurance that i will get better, it really worries me as i am still young 24, and really what to make something of myself and be happy in my life, i dont want this to beat me, i want my old self back!..

Have you came through this anxiety/depression yourself and how do you know or roughly when do you know that things are getting better?. I just feel hopeless, its like this is the only way i know how to feel, i cant even remember what it feels like not to be plagued by this illness. Ive read phyco-poets citalopram survival guide on this site which is very well put together and i find re-assuring but i just dont see myself coming out the other side.

From the 1st week or 2 of being on citalopram i do feel, that ive started to get a bit of energy back, theres moments in the day were i do feel hopeful and motivated and then i go back to feeling bad again. The hard part for me is that i live alone due to the splitt with my ex, and because of my social anxiety im finding it hard to get back out there to bars and clubs and even mingle with my friends etc, but i know that the depression aswel has a part to play in this.

I just seem to be alone alot of the time and getting out for the odd walk with a close friend and my dog a couple of times a week, im feeling hopeless that il never get my social life back again and feel comfortable in it. Do you know of any people with stories on here that have overcome social anxiety and if meds and CBT was there main way out of it?

Edited by stewheadmufc, 15 September 2012 - 10:07 AM.

[Tim 52]

stewheadmufc:

Thanks for your post. You are doing all the right things. The CBT and the meds. You will get better. It takes awhile. Certainly longer than any of us would like.

The medicine can take 4-6 weeks, or longer, to have a positive effect. There is every reason to believe that this medicine will work for you. If it for some reason doesn't, there are many, many other medicine options that you can discuss with your doctor.

The therapy is hard work too. Try the exercises in very small stages Every little bit of effort builds toward greater long term success.

Wishing you the best.

[stewball]

Hi tim, thanks for your reply.

Will there be a stage when i feel like my oldself again, was this the case with yourself and other sufferers?



.....P.s made a mistake above... phyco-poets ''citalopram survival guide'' is on the no more panic site.

[Epictetus]

Hi again,

I suffered a major depression and three relapses in my 50+ years. In each case, I got back my old self after treatment. And recovered something I find it hard to describe in words, perhaps I could call it a "child's joy of life." As a child I remember the joy of waking up every morning and anticipating a day of fun and play. I am on continual maintenance therapy for depression. And my experience is that this has led to fewer relapses and milder ones. It will be interesting to see what others say here today. Best to you!!!

Edited by Ep1ctetus, 15 September 2012 - 10:28 AM.

[Tim 52]

Stewheadmufc

Yes, there will be a stage when you feel like your oldself again. Indeed, sometimes with the right medicine and hard work at the therapy, many of us feel better than our old self.

It will get better.

Think in terms of a slightly longer time line. Not just tomorrow or the next day. But in terms of November and December.

[Girly]

Hi stewheadmufc

Welcome to DF, it is good to have you here with us. Btw do you follow the best team in the world??

I have been on citalopram for six years now. I know that seems like forever when I write it but I have a mental disorder with co-morbid depression/anxiety. For me citalopram has been great, it takes about 6-8 weeks to be fully effective but the benefits of taking it for me outweighs everything else.

CBT is a good therapy to have, I hope it does really help you. Could you get a routine of taking the dog for a walk each morning? How would that be?

Take care,

Girly

[stewball]

Hey again.

I had a pretty bad nite last nite which is quite unsettling :(

I thought i been doing well inda my 5th week on the tablets, i was feeling that bit stronger and brighter about life, ''still no were near were i want to be'' but last night my ex girlfriend call in to see me and my dog and i told her i cant deal to speak with her and she stormed off. The hole thing made me really anxious to the point were i had to leave the house and go down and visit a mate. I ended up getting so worked up that i nearly took a mild panic attack, and ended up in tears.

Wee splitt around 4 months ago, and from then wee have been in contact like the odd txt a week or phone call regarding this and that, but last week she called to get something from my house, and she ended up staying for a couple of hours and i couldnt stop myself wanting to hug and kiss her, and she wasnt exactly pushing me away! i miss her so much and wake up every morning thinking about her. When i do, i feel the anxiety running up through my body and i just wish it all would end!

I text her later on in the night saying that i love her so much but i need to cut all contact with her, i cant go on hurting myself like this everytime i see her, and she replied ..''you didnt even let me see my ******* dog, goodbye for ever'' then a couple of hours later she text ''ballbaggg''! Now for someone that says to me a week ago that she still loves me and misses me, is that normal to get a reply like that?..To be honest she doesnt care about me at all, and is only worried about herself. This hurt me alot but maybe this is what i needed to finally move on!

I hope this doesnt set me right back in my recovery, and was it normal for me not to handle it as well??