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[JiggyWilson]

I am unsure whether this thread belongs here or not, but I'll take my chances.





A friend of mine recently took her life due to incessant bullying in high school. I am unaware as to exactly what the circumstances leading to her decision were, but all I am aware of is that she was bullied and harassed, and took her life. I just...can't...put down into words how I feel. I ache constantly, and though I was closer with her brother, I still miss her dearly. She was a beautiful, talented young woman, whose smile could light up an entire household, let alone a room. It's only been a few days, but I miss her so much. I just don't want to believe she's gone. I don't know what to do. I can't be around my friends, because I feel so helpless. I'm self conscious about expressing emotions other than abstract, crazy wackiness/happiness. I'm supposed to be the one that cheers everyone up, that cracks some joke and makes everything better. I don't know what to do. I feel useless and unneeded, but, knowing how much pain everyone is in over our friend's passing, I can't bring myself to end my life.

Sometimes, I feel my sorrow give way to rage. Undeniable, unending hatred for the people who pushed Marnie to the breaking point. I want them to suffer, as Marnie's family has suffered. I want the to feel the pain that eats away inside of me every day. I hate them. If I could, I would do unspeakable things to their persons. I can feel the anger consume me over the most mundane things. Like, I was buying some ice cream at Fry's/Kroger today (so Mr. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough could help me eat my feelings away), and the man in front of me was standing a good three meters behind the family in front of HIM, and, on top of that, standing half a meter behind his groceries. I wanted to explode at him. I wanted to tackle him, and bash his head against the floor.

I don't know what my posting this will do for me. It probably won't help. The pain won't subside. One of my roommates (who had met Marnie) told me, upon learning of her suicide, that it was "a major bummer." Yeah, you're d*** right it's a bummer! That made me so mad! Despite trying his best to empathize with the situation, it still filled me with rage. Maybe I thought he was being disingenuous...I dunno...I just, need somebody to tell me that everything will be alright, even though I know it won't. I need just...I don't know what I need. A Grand Slam from Denny's would hit the spot, but I told myself no more spending money.

I don't know if anything anyone could say will make this ache inside me go away. I can't even imagine how her brother and mother must feel. I feel so selfish, thinking about myself, when I should be trying to console her mother and brother, but I can't help it. Every time I think about her, I think about how I could have said something. Maybe even shooting her a message on Facebook asking how she was doing would have prevented this. I should have reached out to her more. The day, no, the NIGHT before I found out, I called two of my other friends, and asked how they were doing, if they needed to talk to anyone. If I had Marnie's number, I probably wouldn't have texted or called her. I'm not responsible for her suicide, but I'm also not responsible for making sure she's okay. I dunno...If anyone has anything that they think I need to hear, I probably do. Most people seem to know better than me. I'm not exactly in the most logical mindset, but that's because (as I said) I'm selfish, and I have other, more trite and frivolous problems that occupy my mind, when I should be focusing on Marnie.

If anyone thinks they can offer advice, I'd greatly appreciate it (unless, of course, it's "Why don't you grow a backbone and stop feeling sorry for yourself?! Her brother came back to Arizona from New Orleans, and your friend drove down from Colorado! Oh, you had to make a two hour drive up from Phoenix...that must have been really difficult! Except you do it every weekend to try and be intimate with your friend who doesn't reciprocate your feelings at all. And you say that doesn't matter to you. You coward. Everything is about you. Even in your depressed, hysterical state, you've managed to twist this entire thread into YOUR problems. You're weak, and you know it. You're disgusting, and no body wants you." Because, quite frankly, I'm already aware of ALL of that, and it's something I'm working on separately).

[frangipani]

Hi, JiggyWilson.

I am so sorry about what you've gone through and about everything that you're feeling right now.

I totally understand why you posted in this forum, and I hope that others who relate come along soon to share their experiences, their support, and their advice with you.

We have a Bereavement forum on this site, and it sounds like you might benefit from going in there as well. It's a protected forum, though, so you'll have to PM a moderator to get the password needed to gain access to it. (Look at the bottom of the Forums page for a list of moderators. In that same area, you can also see who's online now; moderators are the ones with bolded names.)

You're going through a lot right now, but you're not alone in this. Please keep posting and letting us know what's happening and how you're doing.

Frangi

[Tim 52]

JiggyWilson:

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. This must be so very hard. I'm glad you have posted about what's going on with you right now.

Please be gentle with yourself. And don't listen to the negative messages from others. Grief takes its own route and time.