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[Fate Blackwell]

Sorry guys, I can't muster up the good vibes enough to try and keep things light this time. I'm getting physically sick over how bleak things are looking. If you hate people who feel sorry for themselves, save yourself the trouble of typing out a reply and just wander off into one of the posts of the people on DF that are less broken.

People keep telling me the same thing, "Things won't be fixed unless you actually try to fix them". No magical "everything is okay now" is going to suddenly appear one morning like my dream girl that lost contact with me years ago when I was attacked by bears in my mansion in Alaska and was sent into a ten-year coma that ended with me suffering a tremendous case of amnesia that formed into a completely opposite identity when I was abducted by a strictly republican christian family that decided to convince me that I was their unemployed son with no potential whatsoever.

Life is what you make of it. And time and time again I've tried to tell the world that the playing field is not even. Some people are thrown off into an endless wasteland filled with self-doubt, hopeless isolation, and unending despair and expected to make their way to the goal with as much ease as the other people who start out two spaces away from the "you win" tile. But it's all pointless. These people are seeing the world through the eyes of somebody who had to fight a little to get where they are in life. And see those struggles as a trial for everyone. Conveniently being blind to the difference in difficulty factor that can arise in those trials. And excusing themselves by saying they do understand some people have it more difficult. Those people being the ones born in third world countries, and those born without limbs.

Those people have a hard life.

I was born in the same city as the haves, and that means I faced the exact same trials as them with the exact same equipment.

The fact I failed is due to my laziness and a lack of drive to work as hard as everyone else.

But I'm sick.

Not mentally sick. Well, yeah, mentally, but I mean physically. I feel like I need to hunch over the toilet and just stay there. I've been in this sort of thing before. I'm old. Nobody likes me. I've got no job. I've got no money. I'm miserable all the time. I get jealous of my ten year old nephew who has friends and a girlfriend ( who likes all the things I would have wanted my girlfriend to like at that age ) because at his age I was a sack of compost who got my butt kicked all the time, who got spit on by students and teachers alike, and who did a running leap into a complete flying faceplant onto the ground socially and rotted into a bitter, fat, worthless wart on the rectum of society with no future whatsoever.

I get it. I know I'm a dimwit who needs to get their priorities straight. And I've "given up", much to the absolute joy of my mother and sister, and let myself be enrolled into a mental health program. Nothing is happening yet, but soon enough I'll be sitting down with a psychology student, who will be undoubtedly younger than me, and have my personality examined and tagged with all sorts of colorful titles. And then I will be given a bill to spend for the remainder of my life on pills that will most likely mess me up so bad that I make another attempt to remedy the problem that is myself.

And nothing will change.

It can't change. There's nowhere for my life to go. I'll never have a family of my own. I can't. Women my age aren't interested in a casual friendship where they just goof around watching anime, going to anime conventions, playing video games, and not being afraid to act like a kid. I'm way too laid back for women in their 30s. It takes at least eighteen years to raise a kid. There's no time to sit around and goof off. At my age it's all about commitments and responsibility. But I never got to have my wild years, I was robbed of all that stuff by my stupid mental hangups. And absolutely nobody in the sphere of anything is going to say "Well .... you can go ahead and go nuts without being labeled a pathetic adult trying to recapture their youth". If I want a family I'm going to have to dry out my personality and grab a briefcase and a suit, and try to romance busybody women with their hair pulled up tight against their skull who need me to learn how to change diapers while balancing the checkbook.

Yeah, I know the laid back ones exist at this age, too. But the few I have met were either already married by now, already in a strongly committed relationship by now, or absolutely insane.

I'm also aware that my views on the whole matter pretty much make me a pig. But that's just another reason I know that a relationship is completely outside of the things I'll ever have in my life. Hell, I don't even feel right putting myself in the category of somebody who should be "in a relationship". That sounds like something stuffy adults have. This is problematic considering my status as "not anything close to resembling a child".

I'm also not going to ever have a job I can comfortably live with. Retiring happens when somebody has worked their entire life and earned the right to sit back and relax. Never mind the fact that the sphere of well paying jobs is permanently locked off to me, I don't have the job history or job experience to ever hope to retire if I do find a job down the line. I'll be working until I die in front of the french fry station. There's nowhere for my career to go but sideways and backwards. I've got nothing but maybe a year's worth of high school level work experience under my belt after 32 years of life.

I'm sitting here in front of a computer monitor that has started to randomly scramble for no reason, signaling the final days of a ten-year old monitor that I do not have the funds to replace, in a silent room because my now unusable fifteen year old TV I do not have the funds to replace just recently started making an ear shattering buzzing noise from the back when I turn it on. I am using a failing computer I do not have the funds to replace that randomly fails to boot up because the internals are starting to burn out due to being over a decade old. I can't fix any of these everyday nuisances. I can not leave this house because I do not own a car. I live miles away from town next to a highway I am not legally allowed to walk on. And there's nothing I can do to fix any of it.

I hate dealing with paperwork. I hate having stuffy conversations with official types who need information about medications, ID numbers, birth certificates, and blood types. I loathe dealing with businesses because they don't really care about helping people. They care about money. I can't stand dealing with charities, because they treat me the way they would treat any physically healthy unemployed 32 year old overweight white male who lives with his family.

My father is asleep all day, every day. In his bed on the other side of this room. I can not get him to go do anything. I hate living in a room with a sleeping person. I hate having to be extra careful about everything I do so I don't wake him up. I hate not being able to watch TV ( not that it's an option right now ). I hate not being able to listen to music. I hate not having any friends to go hang out with. I hate not having anything to eat, or anything to do. I hate that I can't use the internet without permission first. I hate not having any money to do anything, and not having the patience to deal with the everyday BS of a dead end minimum wage job so I can swim in circles financially and only be able to afford food and gas costs with nothing saved up. I hate that everything about who I am is going to have to be erased for me to be comfortable with working a dead end fast food job for the rest of my life.

I hate that my only option is to find medication that will allow me to accept that my life is never going to improve.

Edited by Fate Blackwell, 09 September 2012 - 02:31 PM.

[LaurynJcat]

((((Fate Blackwell))))

If it's any consolation, I think you are awesome. Your writing is excellent and funny and there's no doubt you could publish writing for money. BTW I am a professionally published writer of fiction and non-fiction, although I've been sadly under-productive due to my depression and being forced to earn a living doing a job I dislike (and for many years needing to support both myself and my beloved husband who has a physical disability).

I completely agree with you about people's shallow perception that everyone is equally able to live an enjoyable life. I too grew up with the deadly combination of no self-confidence (due to an abusive mother and a mostly-and-then-completely absent father) and physical flaws (too skinny in my case, and huge dark freckles later joined by acne and rosacea). Actually I might have been okay with these had I not also possessed intelligence, creativity and sensitivity-- making me stick out even further in the ruthless jungle of school, and giving me the ability to fully savor the abuse I was subjected to by my peers and my own mother. Plus although I desperately fantasized about becoming rich and famous, my looks and my family's poverty gave me some idea of how doomed I really was. My one comfort was some academic achievement. My intelligence, unfortunately, didn't get me far due to my depression and terrible study skills (and complete lack of encouragement in this area from my parents). So my good grades where limited to classes where my sheer love of the subject made me retain the information and perform well -- Biology, and English. I did get a university Arts degree by the time I was almost 30 and my husband who is ten years older graduated as a teacher at age 42 (which sounds like we would have it made except we owed 70K in debt and my husband was not able to get any work aside from occasional substituting, averaging half-a-day per week since our area has an oversupply of teachers - this continued for over 5 years until he finally switched to teaching ESL to adults for far less money).

Fast forward to the current day my husband is 53 and I'm 43 (with years of crappy call-center and admin jobs behind me). My husband and I finally both have jobs and have made a significant dent in our debt but it is far from paid. We couldn't even think about having kids but neither of us had the strong desire for them anyway. Things are FINALLY looking a bit better. I have written a little in the past few years and hope to get more done after we move in a month, and publish again.

My point of this long story is to show you things CAN get better. I was working a crappy minimum-wage job when I was at university and gradually moved up into slightly-less-crappy jobs until reaching an almost-bearable job that I can do part-time and pays well (actually the job has become kind of crappy again but that's another story and it's a job many would love to have so I shouldn't complain). Oh, and my freckles finally faded away, my acne finally got better, and, well, I still have rosacea but it's under control.

One way things can get better for you, in my opinion, is that you stop caring what other people think. Nobody has the right to judge you for being overweight or unemployed or living with your parents. BELIEVE ME -- the same people will judge others for things which are obviously and completely beyond their control such as my husband's physical disability (he's not in a wheelchair but has a visual/genetic disability including slightly crossed eyes and he has actually had strangers demand "what's wrong with your eyes?" I think he should respond "What's wrong with your personality?")

Also there ARE women out there who want to watch Anime and go to Anime conventions (my husband and I are both SF fans). But I do understand the difficulty of finding compatible friends, let alone a partner. But they are out there. Have you tried applying for disability for your mental illness? I think it would also really help if you could get to a city away from your sister and the awful lack of mobility there.

Also, forget about those people (and yes, there are many) who have it much easier because they come from better backgrounds and have good mental health, clear skin and a winning smile. Some people are ridiculously lucky, but they don't realize it and don't see how good they have it. So... ignore them.

Some wise people say that those of us with worse luck and more pain are actually closer to enlightenment and that our pain forces us to look below the surface and find the true meaning of life. Try reading Ekhart Tolle's _The Power of Now_ (if you check out his author photo it seems likely he would sympathize with our school experiences).

My biggest suggestion to you is try to write articles for paid publication. If the nearest town has a newspaper try that. I think you could also train to be a technical or corporate writer if you wanted to. You're in an ideal position to write since you have time on your hands and you obviously have loads of ability. Anyway, feel free to PM me if you want to talk about writing. You DO have a future that doesn't include a deep-fryer.

Big hug,
Lauryn

Edited by LaurynJcat, 09 September 2012 - 05:56 PM.

[Fate Blackwell]

I present my first novel.

No, but seriously, I really need to learn how to shorten my replies. I just have some compulsion to cover all the possible bases. It's an endearing flaw.

((((Fate Blackwell))))

If it's any consolation, I think you are awesome. Your writing is excellent and funny and there's no doubt you could publish writing for money. BTW I am a professionally published writer of fiction and non-fiction, although I've been sadly under-productive due to my depression and being forced to earn a living doing a job I dislike (and for many years needing to support both myself and my beloved husband who has a physical disability).

Thank you very much for the kind words. It means a lot to me to see that somebody who actually has some success at writing believes my abilities to be competent enough to churn out something successful on my own. One tremendous failing I have is in the fact that I do not trust my own judgement, but such is the thought processes of one who cowers behind the curtain to block their view of the mirror because they have decided that the image of the "self" in the mirror is repugnant and not worthy of attention or improvement.

I can certainly understand the trials laid out before one who has the responsibilities of supporting themselves and another with disability. I do not blame my father nor do I harbor any sort of resentment towards the things I must do in order to help him in that which he can not do without it, all I wish is that I had the capability to make his life easier instead of this eternal cycle of draining on his own funds. Yet another aspect that drives the self worth downward. But, again, such is the thought processes of one who enjoys a nice imbalance of chemicals sloshing around in their brain.

I completely agree with you about people's shallow perception that everyone is equally able to live an enjoyable life. I too grew up with the deadly combination of no self-confidence (due to an abusive mother and a mostly-and-then-completely absent father) and physical flaws (too skinny in my case, and huge dark freckles later joined by acne and rosacea). Actually I might have been okay with these had I not also possessed intelligence, creativity and sensitivity-- making me stick out even further in the ruthless jungle of school, and giving me the ability to fully savor the abuse I was subjected to by my peers and my own mother. Plus although I desperately fantasized about becoming rich and famous, my looks and my family's poverty gave me some idea of how doomed I really was. My one comfort was some academic achievement. My intelligence, unfortunately, didn't get me far due to my depression and terrible study skills (and complete lack of encouragement in this area from my parents). So my good grades where limited to classes where my sheer love of the subject made me retain the information and perform well -- Biology, and English. I did get a university Arts degree by the time I was almost 30 and my husband who is ten years older graduated as a teacher at age 42 (which sounds like we would have it made except we owed 70K in debt and my husband was not able to get any work aside from occasional substituting, averaging half-a-day per week since our area has an oversupply of teachers - this continued for over 5 years until he finally switched to teaching ESL to adults for far less money).

Such a tremendous similarity in what you had dealt with in compare with the lovely chaotic mess I left in my wake through academic pursuits. I often resented my capability in the arts of paying attention, caring about developing talents outside of physical domination, and a crippling sensitivity to any vaguely perceived threat. Which drove a mind that was fully capable of outperforming most on school towards a sleeping silent shut-in who faltered heavily and fell flat in the later years of school due to a complete and total lack of focus due to a preoccupation with the failures I had made where I had expected "eventual progress because that's how it is for everyone".

I've often wondered, though, which scenario would have been better? Being skinny and covered in acne is certainly an invitation to absolute hell in school. Had I had that additional problem, I doubt I would be here today, and I certainly respect you for handling it and not letting the stupidity you dealt with destroy you. Kids hate anyone who is different, and single out those they feel they can dominate the easiest. Unfortunately, I found that being among the tallest and strongest nets just as much malice from the weak-minded who desire domination over their fellow classmate to validate their eternally faltering egos. Once the declaration had been made that the largest guy in class, who looked like he could snap students in half like a dried twig, would back down in the face of even minor conflict, the blood scent was cast onto the wolves. Bullies, thugs, and weak-willed yes-boys would swarm like fire ants onto the buffalo, eager to prove their massive power by showing how expertly they could destroy that which the normal perceive as a massive threat to their well-being.

I didn't do too well in the category of parental influence as well. My mother was a mostly self-involved confidence-shattering depressive who put the "mother" in "smother". Endless support as long as I was walking down the bridges she planned out for me to walk. But eventually she told me that she "gave up", shortly after my first visit to the padded room hotel in my early teens. My father took the responsibility of handing out the physical abuse. But luckily he was thrown out shortly before my first foray into the world of lunacy. ( Perhaps fate decided that he would remarry and end up with an abusive woman who drove him mad so that when I ended up living with my father later in life after his second divorce, he was mellowed out to the point of being a passive depressive who sleeps all of his days away and resolves conflict by not getting involved in the first place. )

You certainly outperformed me in the category of academic success. I only managed six months worth of college studying multimedia design before life plucked a prize from it's lovely bouquet of failures and tossed me a glistening thorn-riddled rose of misery, which I promptly managed to stumble on top of with my bare foot and went tumbling backwards down the stairs of progress and out of the door to success. Which was then shut and padlocked to make sure I did not get another opportunity.

Fast forward to the current day my husband is 53 and I'm 43 (with years of crappy call-center and admin jobs behind me). My husband and I finally both have jobs and have made a significant dent in our debt but it is far from paid. We couldn't even think about having kids but neither of us had the strong desire for them anyway. Things are FINALLY looking a bit better. I have written a little in the past few years and hope to get more done after we move in a month, and publish again.

That's something I'd like to be able to do one day. Actually look at my life and say "things could be so much worse" and be content in the fact that I have achieved some of my goals. You are certainly lucky in the fact that you have made progress and haven't been locked into a standstill.

No, it's not even luck.

I know you got to that point because you wanted to get to that point. I know the same would be true for me if I would just apply myself and not let this world around me destroy what I have to offer and keep me down in the pit I am currently cowering within.

However, one irrefutable fact is that every time I have admitted that I needed to be stronger in my life, and tried to push forward, the slope has twisted to a much sharper incline and roller skates have mysteriously appeared on my feet. My mood plummets and my confidence completely shatters. It's almost as if there is some force waiting patiently for me to show signs of improvement so it can quickly rush in and punch all the good fortune gnomes in their gets and kick me in the mental jewels. I'm quite aware that this mysterious cloaked figure of misery is very likely covering a face that would be very familiar to me, so familiar that I may have to consult a mirror to see if my nose was really that big.

But that just goes onto the shelf with the many reasons why I hope this journey into the world of pharmaceuticals to find something to help me handle this world won't end in crippling failure as it did before. But that will just have to be something I find out as time goes on.

My point of this long story is to show you things CAN get better. I was working a crappy minimum-wage job when I was at university and gradually moved up into slightly-less-crappy jobs until reaching an almost-bearable job that I can do part-time and pays well (actually the job has become kind of crappy again but that's another story and it's a job many would love to have so I shouldn't complain). Oh, and my freckles finally faded away, my acne finally got better, and, well, I still have rosacea but it's under control.

I do hold out the hope that what I have been told for the past couple of decades is true. That things do indeed improve eventually. Though I have to admit that it's pretty hard to keep the faith when I am still at as much of a standstill as I was the first day I sat in my mother's room breaking down and crying while telling her that I was starting to worry because so many kids were being mean to me at school and I couldn't seem to make any friends.

One way things can get better for you, in my opinion, is that you stop caring what other people think. Nobody has the right to judge you for being overweight or unemployed or living with your parents. BELIEVE ME -- the same people will judge others for things which are obviously and completely beyond their control such as my husband's physical disability (he's not in a wheelchair but has a visual/genetic disability including slightly crossed eyes and he has actually had strangers demand "what's wrong with your eyes?" I think he should respond "What's wrong with your personality?")

( I love that response you came up for such a stupid question, by the way. )

The problem I've always come across in the school of "not caring what people think" is that people seem to be inherently greedy and shallow. As well as completely lacking in the realm of understanding when it comes to other people's problems. So when I am faced with a situation where the quality of my life can either improve or drastically plummet downward into the toilet ( Landlord raising rent because I was one day late with payment, manager demoting me with some BS excuse that puts his buddy in my place, co-workers shuffling off the garbage work on me every day knowing that it's not a one man thing, but also knowing that I won't fight back out of fear of causing an incident and losing my job ), I immediately lock up in worry over how I am being perceived.

These are scenarios that have played out for me before, and each time I was regarded with a sneer and a total uncaring attitude towards the hardships I would take on as a result of their decision

As it stands, I simply can not stop caring what other people think. Hopefully this will change with time.

Also there ARE women out there who want to watch Anime and go to Anime conventions (my husband and I are both SF fans). But I do understand the difficulty of finding compatible friends, let alone a partner. But they are out there. Have you tried applying for disability for your mental illness? I think it would also really help if you could get to a city away from your sister and the awful lack of mobility there.

I have met a few ladies who were absolutely fantastic. And I fell for them completely. Unfortunately, I had to cut off all contact with them specifically because of that fact. There was always a guy who was there before me. If they weren't outright married, he would be so deeply ingrained into their life that any hope I would have of gaining a relationship outside of "that guy I always complain about my boyfriend to" would be completely erased. I've spent too many years of my life pining over unattainable women. Being defeated every day I say goodbye to them. Being miserable every time they went off with the man in their life. Knowing that if by some obscure twist of fate they ended up dating me instead, that the next guy would come along and charm them away from me because I don't like playing "the game" and wouldn't feed her lies and a false personality to "claim" her.

It's simply not within my personality to battle some cocky fuzzcut with a smirk and a dollar clip over a girl. I'd just shut down emotionally and let her do what she wants. I know some women like for a guy to prove how much he wants her in his life. But I've been defeated too many times to care that deeply about somebody just to lose them again.

Thus, the path to that sort of happiness is quite unfortunately, but almost assuredly sealed shut.

As for moving out, that's an impossibility until I can manage to get and hold onto a job long enough to pay for it. No help will be offered from my family, and no aid will be offered by any charities because I do not ( and wouldn't want to ) qualify for financial aid. I am very aware that being unemployed and depressed isn't going to be a good enough reason for the world of money to care what happens to me..

Also, forget about those people (and yes, there are many) who have it much easier because they come from better backgrounds and have good mental health, clear skin and a winning smile. Some people are ridiculously lucky, but they don't realize it and don't see how good they have it. So... ignore them.

I can somewhat confidently say that I don't let the haves get me down too much. While it's true that I have moments where I look at the relative ease they have had in finding success in their life, I remind myself that I am not the casual business-suit wearing briefcase jockey who wants a picket fence and an office cubicle with a picture of my wife and my dog, Murray. The type of life I desire is somewhat unconventional. So I can accept the path towards my goal being much longer than average. Though it does hurt a bit to see others finding some satisfaction in their lives while I still sit at the starting line of mine.

Some wise people say that those of us with worse luck and more pain are actually closer to enlightenment and that our pain forces us to look below the surface and find the true meaning of life. Try reading Ekhart Tolle's _The Power of Now_ (if you check out his author photo it seems likely he would sympathize with our school experiences).

I've had similar thoughts. One rather less significant and less enlightened thing in which I have applied that sort of thinking is in believing everyone should be forced to work in fast food for at least six months of their life. Only those who have truly experienced the absolutely maddening kamikaze decent into the flaming bowels of fryer oil Hades can properly appreciate the amount of patience it takes to do the job without tearing off the customer's faces when they come in screaming about a single tic-tac-sized onion flake on the outer wrapper of their "no onions" hamburger.

I miss my old home. It was only half a mile from the library. I used to go there and read books every day, I even made friends with the woman who worked there. I'll have to add this book onto my list of things to track down when the available funds advances into the "leaving the house without needing a ride from the soul-sucking devil-woman" category.

My biggest suggestion to you is try to write articles for paid publication. If the nearest town has a newspaper try that. I think you could also train to be a technical or corporate writer if you wanted to. You're in an ideal position to write since you have time on your hands and you obviously have loads of ability. Anyway, feel free to PM me if you want to talk about writing. You DO have a future that doesn't include a deep-fryer.

Big hug,
Lauryn

I do hope writing can be something I could turn into a career. It's something that doesn't require a ton of interaction with infuriated customers, and can be accomplished without having to sit in a tiny cubicle ( usually ). The only roadblock I have right now is the fact that I do not want to officially apply myself into the field and get slapped down by the people who know what to look for, calling what I offered up a complete waste of effort.

Then again, I'd have to actually write something first. Confidence issue, as always.

Again, thank you for the reply. My apologies for taking so long to respond. I had some official business to take care of. Some good news on that one, and some complaints, but I've posted enough for now. I hope you are doing well.

[ellemint]

I also think you're a good writer with a distinctive "voice". I would encourage you to explore that avenue even if it involves writing columns for a local newspaper or publication that doesn't pay a lot.

One thing I noticed is that you think some options are permanently closed off to you. That may be the case. I sometimes feel like that too --- BUT I know it is not necessarily true, because none of us know what the future will bring. It is a thought --- a self-limiting thought.

One of the questions I like is:

"Is what you are doing working to help you create a richer, fuller, more meaningful life?"

So, is telling yourself 'any meaningful friendship with a woman is never going to happen for me' going to lead you to a better life, even in terms of how it makes you feel to think that. There are lots of quixotic, geeky people around -- unless you're out there a bit you'll never know if you might meet someone like that at a bookstore, or a library. I would wish for you that you could keep your mind flexible and open to the possibility that although you may feel that some things are never going to happen for you --- that it's just a thought --- and you really don't know.

take care,

ellemint

[Fate Blackwell]

I also think you're a good writer with a distinctive "voice". I would encourage you to explore that avenue even if it involves writing columns for a local newspaper or publication that doesn't pay a lot.

Oh I'd totally be climbing aboard the publication bus if I could pay the confidence fare. It's not even about money with what I want to do for a living. I'm happy as long as I can handle the job. I just can't take on even the small stuff because I take criticism so poorly that even the tiniest bit will drive me to abandoning an entire project and erase any hope of completing it from my mind. That's the recipe for everything else I try to do as well. "It's just not good enough." "It's never good enough." "People will find out that I barely know what I am doing and call me on my inexperience like a little kid trying to wear big boy clothes and pass himself off as a gentleman."

But, as I've been on before and will be on again in the future, all I can hope is that I'm going to come across a medication that drives the crippling sensitivity down to a level that won't shut my down entirely.

'Course there's the fact that things are never truly so easy as to find a fix in a little magic pill. And I can only get to where I want to go if I want it so badly that I'd fight past my own flaws and face the world without fear that one rejection will eternally label me a failure in everyone's eyes.

If that's the case I am so thoroughly screwed. Seriously. No amount of pretty words and convoluted examples will get me past the hate-filled scowls I see everywhere I go on the rare occasion I'm allowed outside my cell to see the peoplefolk in this world. I feel like these people have literally passed around a newsletter discussing how I steal candy from starving children and burn their shoes for fun while making out with zombie Hitler and use the preserved spine of an orphaned kitten to stir up my vat full of the newest strand of AIDS that I plan to put in the pots in soup kitchens so I can watch the homeless die.

One thing I noticed is that you think some options are permanently closed off to you. That may be the case. I sometimes feel like that too --- BUT I know it is not necessarily true, because none of us know what the future will bring. It is a thought --- a self-limiting thought.

Oh there may very well be the perfect Mrs. Blackwell out there in the world right now, sitting in her room feeling total and complete loneliness because she hasn't found herself an overweight depressive with self-image issues and poor eyesight who lives with his sister and spends his days flattening his pile'o mattresses that he uses as a bed with his big flat butt while typing up overlong rants to post online about how much he hates where he life has gone, and how he refuses to even really try to fix it any more.

I only say there's no hope because I can't trust in somebody like that any more. I've had my heart ripped out too many times because I found a girl I liked, found out she didn't like me in that way, found out that staying as friends subjected me to a front row seat in watching her fall in love with a real man ( or in most cases, a douche ) in her life, and found out that being friends was tearing me apart because I had already told her how I felt and it made no difference so I could either keep subjecting her to my eternally bummed out mood I got in to when she was around, or end things and save her the trouble of worrying ( or at the least pretending to care )

I'm not totally convinced I'm as old as I'm supposed to be. This sort of mental garbage is more appropriate for a high-schooler. But that immaturity is yet another reason that it's not simply just a matter of won't, it's a matter of can't. The wiring simply isn't there. And I've lost my drive to even try to fix it any more. In all honestly no woman should ever be subjected to sharing this chaotic mess that is my personality. I would turn away Mrs. Blackwell on the simple fact that if I ever truly cared about her, I'd save her from this nightmare before she could even get involved. One of my old mates from back in high school said it best, "Don't ever inflict your personality onto anybody you actually care about".

One of the questions I like is:

"Is what you are doing working to help you create a richer, fuller, more meaningful life?"

So, is telling yourself 'any meaningful friendship with a woman is never going to happen for me' going to lead you to a better life, even in terms of how it makes you feel to think that. There are lots of quixotic, geeky people around -- unless you're out there a bit you'll never know if you might meet someone like that at a bookstore, or a library. I would wish for you that you could keep your mind flexible and open to the possibility that although you may feel that some things are never going to happen for you --- that it's just a thought --- and you really don't know.

take care,

ellemint

I may have posted my reply on the whole relationship area too quickly, but it still stands. Indeed the doors are shut because I shut them, but I was only driven to the action because I had never lost hope. Every time I met somebody my hopes started to climb, and each and every time it ended in the exact same way: I am not charming, nor possessing of a nature that is not awkward and off putting. Even to those among the world who pride themselves on their quirky, playful, childish, or just plain uncommon nature. I've always been an outcast among the outcasts.

Quite unfortunately, it seems my true personality is starting to bleed through into these posts. Which has led to spectacular failure in the past when trying to find a place to fit in, so I believe I will try to keep myself in check a bit more in the future.

Regardless, as always, thank you for the reply. I do apologize that nothing ever seems to sink in. I will be trying therapy again after fifteen years of swearing it is a waste of time in about five days, perhaps things will improve over the next few months.

[ellemint]

But your true personality seems wonderful! I know you don't think this, because you view yourself with contempt through a very self-critical negative lens. I hope a therapist can work with you to have some compassion for yourself, and appreciation of the good qualities that you have.

By thinking of yourself as "an overweight depressive with self-image issues and poor eyesight who lives with his sister and spends his days flattening his pile'o mattresses that he uses as a bed with his big flat butt while typing up overlong rants to post online about how much he hates where he life has gone, and how he refuses to even really try to fix it any more." ---- aren't you now just bullying yourself as in the past you were bullied by others? Other people treated you abysmally but that doesn't mean that you now need to treat yourself that way.
,
Can I just say two words: Michael Moore---- the writer , film maker and activist --- he's a big guy, not handsome ---- but millions of people, including myself admire him. He doesn't have a naturally magnetic personality, but he has forged ahead doing things that are meaningful to him and created a rich interesting life. Life isn't all about getting outside approval. You need to get selfish and tap into "what is it that interests me? What do I want to be out there doing? Is sitting at home on the mattresses a reflection of my true interests and goals? " I am struggling with these sort of issues myself. And I know that's not always easy to figure out, but taking a "what's in this for me" attitude as opposed to "what are others going to think about me? how are others going to react to me?" approach can sometimes be of benefit.

I've been reading a book called "The Confidence Gap" by Russ Harris MD. It uses an ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) approach to issues around lack of confidence. It's not just another glib self-help book. If you have a library nearby I would highly recommend it.

Here's an overview of ACT to give you some idea of the approach :

http://www.actmindfu...view_of_ACT.pdf

Here's a website where you might find some like-minded people, although it's not as active as depressionforums.

http://theicarusproject.net/


:)

ellemint

[Fate Blackwell]

But your true personality seems wonderful! I know you don't think this, because you view yourself with contempt through a very self-critical negative lens. I hope a therapist can work with you to have some compassion for yourself, and appreciation of the good qualities that you have.

By thinking of yourself as "an overweight depressive with self-image issues and poor eyesight who lives with his sister and spends his days flattening his pile'o mattresses that he uses as a bed with his big flat butt while typing up overlong rants to post online about how much he hates where he life has gone, and how he refuses to even really try to fix it any more." ---- aren't you now just bullying yourself as in the past you were bullied by others? Other people treated you abysmally but that doesn't mean that you now need to treat yourself that way.

This is actually a massively convoluted matter that most certainly gains me a few points in the category of insanity, or perhaps just manipulative dimwittery normally reserved for a six year old trying to get an extra popsicle. I refer to my comments on how I view myself. And this singular fact is one of the largest sources of conflict that I face, because it proves itself in both directions.

I know I am a good person and have a good personality.

At least until I don't.

The underlying issue that stands here is in the fact that when I am feeling completely worthless, I begin to say so. This sometimes ends with somebody bolstering my faltering ego with reassurance that I am not a total loss. The habit is fed and the drug of ego feeding is no longer needed. Thus I return to the casual everyday personality. But this is wholly flawed and absolutely despicable. If I am capable of talking to people and not send them away screaming, why is it that I choose to throw myself against the wall just to get a hug?

Therein lies the conflict. In the absence of validation, I feel worthless. But in seeking validation, I feel like a manipulative twit, and therefore worthless. I can not seek out the help of others without believing I am screaming for things nobody is entitled to by default. But when I go it solo I sink so low that everything eventually loses its worth and I go seeking out the mental warm and fuzzlies. And through it all a sphere expands around me, devoid of all human contact. I basically enter the metaphorical social subway after enjoying the double chili cheddar melt tacorito supreme and develop an invisible force-field that repels all life within a fifty foot radius while worrying over whether my deodorant is sufficiently covering the smell of armpit.

As in the case of bullying, I have a few theories on why I naturally gravitate towards the complete and total dis-assembly of my character when faced with any situation where I focus on myself. Which is unfortunately a lot as I am excessively uncomfortable discussing other people's business due to an intense lack of focus due to constant worry over my body language, smell, appearance, and stance. It also doesn't help that I am under constant fear that when I press people for information about themselves, that I am forcing myself onto them and into their lives like a smelly hobo at the train-yard with a plastic rose he found and a poem he wrote in the 7-Eleven restroom about their hair. This reluctance in asking others about themselves being rather mystifying when you consider that I know fully well that most people's favorite subject is themselves, putting me in the category of hypocrite.

Can I just say two words: Michael Moore---- the writer , film maker and activist --- he's a big guy, not handsome ---- but millions of people, including myself admire him. He doesn't have a naturally magnetic personality, but he has forged ahead doing things that are meaningful to him and created a rich interesting life. Life isn't all about getting outside approval. You need to get selfish and tap into "what is it that interests me? What do I want to be out there doing? Is sitting at home on the mattresses a reflection of my true interests and goals? " I am struggling with these sort of issues myself. And I know that's not always easy to figure out, but taking a "what's in this for me" attitude as opposed to "what are others going to think about me? how are others going to react to me?" approach can sometimes be of benefit.

This type of thinking is another as of yet impossible to cross barrier for me to pass. When I consider what is best for me, another voice immediately chimes in, "You're not the most important person in the world. You should put other people first because you know how much it sucks to be ignored by people who only care about themselves." Of course this totally contradicts the other voice that replies, "Who is going to care about you? They all care about themselves, and you're giving them additional support. What, do you think they'll return the favor? You already think nobody ever cares about anyone but themself, so you're just fighting a losing battle." So the back and forth begins, and my passive nature bleeds through in the mean time.

"Those who do not create conflict are not pulled into it."

Flawed completely. Truth does not exist within that series of letters. But the core of my personality is locked inside of that cage. Buried deep inside my personality from years or mental conditioning as a child by absolutely everyone I knew. "You're bigger than everyone else. Don't ever use that to bully them. Let people know you aren't as scary as you look".

But let's not repeat things I've posted before. As I tend to do. A lot.

I've been reading a book called "The Confidence Gap" by Russ Harris MD. It uses an ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) approach to issues around lack of confidence. It's not just another glib self-help book. If you have a library nearby I would highly recommend it.

Here's an overview of ACT to give you some idea of the approach :

http://www.actmindfu...view_of_ACT.pdf

Here's a website where you might find some like-minded people, although it's not as active as depressionforums.

http://theicarusproject.net/


:)

ellemint

The unfortunate last ditch effort key to it all happens tomorrow. If I can't straighten out my issues through the place I will most likely being going back to over the next few months. I'm going to be stuck here in this corn field community where no libraries exist within twenty miles, no vehicles are available unless the harpy decides she needs something at the place I need to go as well. And the internet runs at about one third the speed of early 90's-era dial-up due to bad wiring. And almost assuredly I will be placed under the care of men in white coats in fear that I will make another attempt to escape in the only way I currently know how.

Thank you for the reply and the information, though. And as always I do apologize if I am offensive in any way. I truly have no idea how to properly communicate with people and mostly play it by a mostly deaf ear.

Be well.

[MusicLover2]

I feel this way too, the hopelessness is so much. It's been 9 months and I've just spiralled downwards rapidly. I don't feel anything at all! I'm sick of people saying 'it's a phase' it's not a ****** phase as it would've been over by now. I don't think I'm ever going to be happy again.

[alpheus]

I have unused writing skill, I keep thinking I should try to put together something for cracked.com. They say they'll take anything and the editorial process can't be that strict judging by their sometimes half baked articles, and they pay per article.

Edited by alpheus, 19 September 2012 - 07:25 PM.

[ellemint]

"And almost assuredly I will be placed under the care of men in white coats in fear that I will make another attempt to escape in the only way I currently know how." ----- seriously? I mean, is this a fear of yours or are you speaking metaphorically?

[Fate Blackwell]

I feel this way too, the hopelessness is so much. It's been 9 months and I've just spiralled downwards rapidly. I don't feel anything at all! I'm sick of people saying 'it's a phase' it's not a ****** phase as it would've been over by now. I don't think I'm ever going to be happy again.

I share your opinion of the all powerful "it's nothing" attitude usually handed out by those who enjoy a nice stable lifestyle devoid of personal doubt so excessive that it cripples them entirely. I have personally enjoyed almost two decades of promises in the category of things magically being better one day. Ultimately the only way I have been able to keep a hold on reality is not in waiting for things to get better, but living on despite the absolute crushing defeat I feel daily. I'm not doing it for my family nor am I doing it for myself. I do it because everybody seems to expect me to just give up. To throw in the towel and give myself up to their negative attitudes and disgust with my world view. To say that I have always been wrong and everything I feel is just a lie I am telling myself. To give up all control and hand myself over to people who think I am just being stupid.

Not that I am suggesting that you should exist solely on spite. That's just my current purpose in life. And I've even faltered in that with my participation in this little study I'll be getting involved in later today.

I won't blow the usual psycho-babble smoke up your butt, depression is like getting a mental beatdown every single day nonstop from first yawns to final stretches, and it's conveniently invisible enough physically that people too easily write it off as an act. Best I could ever do is tell myself that these twits who label me worthless and unreasonably moody wouldn't last three hours with the chaos I have in my brain tidal-waving through their pretty little minds. To have every action they perform come across an entire crowd of hate-filled screams that emanate from their own subconscious, shutting down and stomping any confidence they have to bits, taking every comment from the world and warping it into a horrible beast that tears through the foundation of their happiness like a starving rabies-infested grizzly bear in a fish market.

Oddly enough, though, it's a fact that I don't think I'd give up my view on life to be born "normal".

[Fate Blackwell]

I have unused writing skill, I keep thinking I should try to put together something for cracked.com. They say they'll take anything and the editorial process can't be that strict judging by their sometimes half baked articles, and they pay per article.

I actually frequent that site and saw that, too. Thought about putting something together, but I've never been an expert at interesting takes on subjects I don't know inside and out, which is limited to a single genre of video games and really awful anime. And unfortunately all those bases have been covered multiple times over.

Couldn't hurt for you to give it a shot, though. Worst case scenario is a rejection. And as far as I know they don't need any real personal information since they pay through Paypal. So you could just keep submitting under new names if you were really paranoid.

[Fate Blackwell]

"And almost assuredly I will be placed under the care of men in white coats in fear that I will make another attempt to escape in the only way I currently know how." ----- seriously? I mean, is this a fear of yours or are you speaking metaphorically?

Actual factual mental flatulence on the part of my mother and sister. Years have passed where I was safe in my own home on the other side of the state. But now that I have been placed under the care of Soul-killer Blackwell ( my sister ), excessive attention is being paid to my mental state as I am perceived as a violent and unreasonable face-biting wrist abuser with an uncontrollable case of rage-diarrhea. Proven with the fact my sister refuses to wake me if my alarm does not rouse me in the morning to go with her to town in fear that I will "get really mad and hurt somebody". Despite the fact that the only time I have ever struck another person in anger was when a guy in high school punched me for telling him to stop calling me a horse-fellating redneck who impregnates sheep between visits from my "favorite uncle" ( Not his exact words but, you know, TOS ). And the other time was when a classmate decided to introduce the back of my skull to a 700 page dictionary because I apparently offended him by existing.

Additionally, I did make a few poor decisions during my early teenage years, so I've been permanently labeled a psycho who handles excessive stress by making hasty decisions. Regardless of the fact that the last "hasty decision" I made was almost 20 years ago.

As recently as my 29 birthday, my mother attempted to get me put in the padded prison because I said that I'd rather not eat than spend the rest of my life eating health food. And she succeeded as far as getting me chained up by the fuzz, put in the back of a police car, driven across the state, and put in front of a psychologist to verify if I was mentally stable. They let me go with a exasperated sigh and a wave, fully on the side of "not crazy" after my evaluation. But my mother still managed to get me legally obligated to attend a few therapy sessions.

She's not completely on the psycho platform, however. Her brother did take that final misstep when I was a child. So her warning alarms started going off every single day back when I made the attempt myself at 13. But this has led to her trusting nothing I say. And my sister following. Leaving me at their mercy when I find myself incapable of holding a job and in constant need of their financial support. They decide what happens to me, and if they want me placed into a padded room, I doubt I'd be able to say no and go live on the streets instead. That's why this event is so important, my mother and sister are placing everything they have on this "fixing" me. And if it doesn't, I wholly doubt they'll put up with me any more and will instead decide to opt for a situation where they do not have to support me any more, but additionally do not have to worry about me going insane.

The whole matter is inexcusable. And I'm aware it's mostly my fault. That's why I agreed to this in the first place. I'm just hoping it doesn't end up completely screwing me over like so many of my other adventures into self improvement have.

Edited by Fate Blackwell, 20 September 2012 - 01:37 AM.

[ellemint]

Well I hope that you are able to get somewhere with the new therapist. I'm living back at home after being on my own for decades while I'm getting my depression treated, and it does suck. I hate it. So I'm with you on that.

Also, I don't think anyone can lock you up against your will unless you are a danger to yourself or others --- and that has to be based on statements you yourself make or else actual behavior. It can't just be other people's opinions or conjecture --- otherwise we'd have people locking up their spouses and relatives all the time ! :)

take care,

ellemint