People keep telling me the same thing, "Things won't be fixed unless you actually try to fix them". No magical "everything is okay now" is going to suddenly appear one morning like my dream girl that lost contact with me years ago when I was attacked by bears in my mansion in Alaska and was sent into a ten-year coma that ended with me suffering a tremendous case of amnesia that formed into a completely opposite identity when I was abducted by a strictly republican christian family that decided to convince me that I was their unemployed son with no potential whatsoever.
Life is what you make of it. And time and time again I've tried to tell the world that the playing field is not even. Some people are thrown off into an endless wasteland filled with self-doubt, hopeless isolation, and unending despair and expected to make their way to the goal with as much ease as the other people who start out two spaces away from the "you win" tile. But it's all pointless. These people are seeing the world through the eyes of somebody who had to fight a little to get where they are in life. And see those struggles as a trial for everyone. Conveniently being blind to the difference in difficulty factor that can arise in those trials. And excusing themselves by saying they do understand some people have it more difficult. Those people being the ones born in third world countries, and those born without limbs.
Those people have a hard life.
I was born in the same city as the haves, and that means I faced the exact same trials as them with the exact same equipment.
The fact I failed is due to my laziness and a lack of drive to work as hard as everyone else.
But I'm sick.
Not mentally sick. Well, yeah, mentally, but I mean physically. I feel like I need to hunch over the toilet and just stay there. I've been in this sort of thing before. I'm old. Nobody likes me. I've got no job. I've got no money. I'm miserable all the time. I get jealous of my ten year old nephew who has friends and a girlfriend ( who likes all the things I would have wanted my girlfriend to like at that age ) because at his age I was a sack of compost who got my butt kicked all the time, who got spit on by students and teachers alike, and who did a running leap into a complete flying faceplant onto the ground socially and rotted into a bitter, fat, worthless wart on the rectum of society with no future whatsoever.
I get it. I know I'm a dimwit who needs to get their priorities straight. And I've "given up", much to the absolute joy of my mother and sister, and let myself be enrolled into a mental health program. Nothing is happening yet, but soon enough I'll be sitting down with a psychology student, who will be undoubtedly younger than me, and have my personality examined and tagged with all sorts of colorful titles. And then I will be given a bill to spend for the remainder of my life on pills that will most likely mess me up so bad that I make another attempt to remedy the problem that is myself.
And nothing will change.
It can't change. There's nowhere for my life to go. I'll never have a family of my own. I can't. Women my age aren't interested in a casual friendship where they just goof around watching anime, going to anime conventions, playing video games, and not being afraid to act like a kid. I'm way too laid back for women in their 30s. It takes at least eighteen years to raise a kid. There's no time to sit around and goof off. At my age it's all about commitments and responsibility. But I never got to have my wild years, I was robbed of all that stuff by my stupid mental hangups. And absolutely nobody in the sphere of anything is going to say "Well .... you can go ahead and go nuts without being labeled a pathetic adult trying to recapture their youth". If I want a family I'm going to have to dry out my personality and grab a briefcase and a suit, and try to romance busybody women with their hair pulled up tight against their skull who need me to learn how to change diapers while balancing the checkbook.
Yeah, I know the laid back ones exist at this age, too. But the few I have met were either already married by now, already in a strongly committed relationship by now, or absolutely insane.
I'm also aware that my views on the whole matter pretty much make me a pig. But that's just another reason I know that a relationship is completely outside of the things I'll ever have in my life. Hell, I don't even feel right putting myself in the category of somebody who should be "in a relationship". That sounds like something stuffy adults have. This is problematic considering my status as "not anything close to resembling a child".
I'm also not going to ever have a job I can comfortably live with. Retiring happens when somebody has worked their entire life and earned the right to sit back and relax. Never mind the fact that the sphere of well paying jobs is permanently locked off to me, I don't have the job history or job experience to ever hope to retire if I do find a job down the line. I'll be working until I die in front of the french fry station. There's nowhere for my career to go but sideways and backwards. I've got nothing but maybe a year's worth of high school level work experience under my belt after 32 years of life.
I'm sitting here in front of a computer monitor that has started to randomly scramble for no reason, signaling the final days of a ten-year old monitor that I do not have the funds to replace, in a silent room because my now unusable fifteen year old TV I do not have the funds to replace just recently started making an ear shattering buzzing noise from the back when I turn it on. I am using a failing computer I do not have the funds to replace that randomly fails to boot up because the internals are starting to burn out due to being over a decade old. I can't fix any of these everyday nuisances. I can not leave this house because I do not own a car. I live miles away from town next to a highway I am not legally allowed to walk on. And there's nothing I can do to fix any of it.
I hate dealing with paperwork. I hate having stuffy conversations with official types who need information about medications, ID numbers, birth certificates, and blood types. I loathe dealing with businesses because they don't really care about helping people. They care about money. I can't stand dealing with charities, because they treat me the way they would treat any physically healthy unemployed 32 year old overweight white male who lives with his family.
My father is asleep all day, every day. In his bed on the other side of this room. I can not get him to go do anything. I hate living in a room with a sleeping person. I hate having to be extra careful about everything I do so I don't wake him up. I hate not being able to watch TV ( not that it's an option right now ). I hate not being able to listen to music. I hate not having any friends to go hang out with. I hate not having anything to eat, or anything to do. I hate that I can't use the internet without permission first. I hate not having any money to do anything, and not having the patience to deal with the everyday BS of a dead end minimum wage job so I can swim in circles financially and only be able to afford food and gas costs with nothing saved up. I hate that everything about who I am is going to have to be erased for me to be comfortable with working a dead end fast food job for the rest of my life.
I hate that my only option is to find medication that will allow me to accept that my life is never going to improve.
Edited by Fate Blackwell, 09 September 2012 - 02:31 PM.