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[stillthere]

If I type out my whole story here it will probably take several pages so bear with me for whatever I type. I know I type a lot of stuff but I type at 90+wpm.

Basically my problems all started when I purchased my first new car on my own. The car salesman gave me a really hard time after my dad called the auto manufacturer and complained that the dealer wasn't giving me the current 0% APR deal. so when I got in my friend's car to pick it up, on the freeway the salesman called me and was irate "are we going to do this or not?!" this was somewhat aggrivating because before then I was pacing around the office about this deal. I shouldn't have bought this car.

So I had the car for a while but it was not the model I originally intended to purchase. I would see the one on the road that I wanted and often wondered what the big deal was. Eventually, after my girlfriend left the country, I decided to "make a change" in my life. This continued my strougle.

To make a long story short, I ended up at another dealership further south and was impressed by the car and ended up trading my first car (keep in mind, this car is the first car I ever bought brand new with my own money) for the new car which had the features that I was impressed with by the car salesman.

This is where things started to go crazy. I was already in therapy but I only had seen two therapists. The first therapist prescribed me medication but I didn't think that is what I wanted. I wanted to do things naturally such as changing my diet. So I didn't pick up the prescription. The prescription was for an SRI I forgot the name of it right now. So anyway I was not on any meds when I exchanged the car at the dealer.

Now the crazy part. I am straight. After signing the paperwork at the dealer, I asked the salesman if he knew a place I could stay at because it was really late and I wasn't sure if I really should drive (I think I actually could have driven home anyway but for some stupid reason I was being careful which was my downfall) I ended up going back to his place that he rented from someone or maybe it was a shared rental who knows. Long story short, he ended up taking off his pants and his boxers in front of me after he said he was not going to do that. He was offering me sexual favors on several occasions and I was like W T F. All of this after we were at a resturaunt together and he was saying "hey check out those ladies over there" I wasn't really in the mood that night to check out asian women. nothing wrong with asian women but they were much younger than both of us an I was in the mood to do car stuff that night, so I was focused on that.

My girlfriend that left the country actually was asian but closer to my age. And I pretty much did everything with her. She was fun to hang out with, even if there wasn't much of anything to do. She would cook, read books, she liked to swim and she liked to go to the mall even though I barely ever saw her buy anything there, she liked so many things.

So I went home the next morning after that guy passed out from his illegal drug and whatever else he did after I left the room. I actually didn't go home right away. I tried to take the car back and get my other car back from the dealer. They refused.

I went home from the dealership and showed the car to my friend. My friend got all antsy and told me to let him out of the car. So I did. In the middle of the street next to his place. So then I got out and talked to him and he got back in and we went for a drive down the highway and came back and went inside. It was WEIRD how my friend was acting! Because I showed up with a different car. Then I went home and my dad gave me this really huge hard time about how "well now you can't go to college because you have to buy a car" which wasn't true because I was still working and college costs I could afford. All of this stuff was spiraling me a bit out of control but I was still able to take care of myself. I had all my stuff situated still and was able to eat and everything even though everyone was being total a-holes around me.

So then in the evening I was like what the heck do I do? I called the car salesman because I knew he was awake and at work by now. And I told him that I didn't appreciate that he wanted to do intimate things and stuff together with me. I didn't find that was very nice of him. This did not help me with the crazy stuff from everything I was going through about this deal. So that night I didn't know what the heck to do at all. Couldn't exchange the car, everyone was acting crazy and angry. I wasn't doing anything obnoxious to cause this.

I went to the hospital after hours and they ended up locking me up in a mental ward. I was unable to attend to my finances during that time so this is what happened:

$1600 lawyer fee to exchange the car back
$1600 fee because I was at the mental facility longer than my insurance paid for
$500-$800 (I forgot exactly how much it was) medical fees for prescriptions
$???? I don't know how much I paid for outpatient therapy copays

Eventually I felt that I should get something for my money that I had to dish out. I eventually became really bored with driving my car on commute and I still wanted the car that I originally went in for. So I traded again. I was happy for 6 months. After that I relapsed to the same way I was when I had issues with the purchase of the first car.

So I really don't know what to do. I can go for a few weeks sometimes feeling ok. But for the past 7 weeks I don't feel happy during the day, I'm bored all the time, not sure if it is depressed but probably. I have gone to a few therapists at my hospital. One of them, the outpatient therapist, still told me that I should exchange the car for the one I wanted. Another one let me know where she hangs out at some times. I don't go there though. I just.. it's weird I still "like" women instead of men but I just don't really like them like I did when I was in my early 20s so I can't be bothered to try to find a "companion" especially since where I live most of them don't seem to be very nice.

I'm at a loss. I tried to do things that I felt other ordinary people do. It hasn't improved my mood. I was on meds starting in the facility that didn't help me at all and through the outpatient therapy and it didn't help there either and eventually I just stopped using them on my own. I felt better after I stopped using them for a little bit. But meds don't seem to do anything for me. I told my doctor to put me on lithium last time and that didn't do jack of anything so I stopped using it on my own.

Now they are telling me since I stopped using lithium that I probably have relapsed. Relapsed to WHAT? I relapsed to the same way I felt while I was on lithium? give me a break. meds don't do anything for a person like me besides get digested. what a bunch of bs.

Anyway please understand my frustration and keep in mind that I am aware that meds do help some people even though they don't seem do work on me.

I don't know where to go, what to do. I don't go to buy another car, I don't go try to date women,

I don't trust my doctors for the poor decisions they helped me with and I don't feel that I got treated right. I ended up only losing money and felt worse. I can't really do anything now. I just wake up in the morning feeling really terrible.

and an edit, I purchased my car a few years ago. It has only 12,000 miles on it right now and due for oil change. that isn't a lot of miles afaik for a car to have on it. I'm not enjoying life like I should be.

Edited by AquaViolet, 08 September 2012 - 04:49 PM.
TOS

[Trace]

Hi Stillthere

Did you ever ask the professionals who treated you what your diagnosis was? I am not a professional, but it does not sound like straightforward depression to me. Going off meds without a professionals permission or monitoring can cause you problems. Also if you have any sort of mental illness and go off your meds, chances are you will relapse. It sounds like you are in a little bit of a confused state as well.

Trace

[Tottering]

Hi stillthere
Your post made me feel for you. I know it's hard and confusing when you get meds and they do nothing or make you feel worse.
How are you going today?
If you are going it without meds you really need to make sure you are in regular counseling. There is almost certainly somewhere with a group that if not free cost only nominal fee...other DF people please chip? I mean, if there are weight watchers and AA meetings everywhere, there must be depression group access.

Especially for someone with a car (ironic wink/smiley face. Too new to get emoticons not really sure how to make them, anyway)!

[stillthere]

I haven't been here in a while. I probably felt fine for like maybe a total of 1 week since I posted this and that was a few weeks ago. I feel pressure, like depression or something inside my head when I wake up.

Well I'm using lithium again and for a week I was fine. I guess i cycle. I start to wonder if meds even are relevant because I cycle with or without them.

I recently lost my job, got laid off. I hated that job so much I was going to quit in a few months anyway. So I got a bunch of money in severance pay but I don't really care. Money only has caused me problems.

So I'm discontinuing my medical at the end of the year and I already have someone I can sign up and see. I'm finishing out my counsoling where I am at but the person I'm seeing is like a "blank slate" personality and I HATE it a lot. The previous person I had was a lot better. meh.. you know, going to counsoling and whatnot all it ever did was make my depression worse. I find it is better to just go find people (sane, safe people I mean) to mingle with and just hang out. Therapy is total bulls*** as far as I have had so far.

I do realize I'm jumping around in this post so bear with me. That was one of the gripes therapists had but there is such a short amount of space / time for doing things! Anyway I read last night that lithium won't necessarily increase depression which is cool with me. What it does do though is make me wake up at night, needing to drink more water and then some more. It is just tedious. If this stuff doesn't start working I'm going to have to discontinue it. I already discussed this with my doctor and it is fine.

I just wish there was something that would click me over to a good mood. I have a couple friends offering me illegal drug and people trying to say that it helps with depression. But I really highly doubt that. I have read a bunch of stuff and most intelligent people online say to avoid it if you are depressed. I have never been pro illegal drug in my life so I mean, if it doesn't work then I really don't care. It always seemed like illegal drug was for low lifes, obnoxious jerks, and losers anyway so I just never became interested in it. I used to have neighbors that would smoke it and bring a bunch of random people around. Oh god, talk about idiots to the extreme. not for me...

There's more stuff I can say here but this place's TOS won't allow it. All I know is, there are people that exist that have issues that I do not have. I can surely say that without crossing the TOS boundry. However what I was put through, related to that and edited out from my OP, was extremely bad and should have been illegal.