Depressed For The First Time In My Life.
Posted 07 September 2012 - 11:42 AM
It's entirely related to circumstances (though, perhaps also deeper underlying issues I have about being alone), and probably seems trivial from an outside perspective.
In short, I met a girl, whom I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years to be with, but procrastinated about moving out. In hindsight, all the reasons I gave for not moving sooner were selfish and stupid, with me trying not to 'hurt' the original partner by delaying the separation. Subsequently, I lost both of them.
The girl who I'd met I was - and am - convinced is the love of my life. We connected on every single level: same interests, same careers, could finish each others sentences, and had amazing sex. But within a month of our breakup, she found a rebound guy that was willing to do the one thing I wasn't - move in with her. Of course I completely folded and begged her for a reconciliation, saying I'd do everything she wanted, but she felt I'd hurt her too much and she couldn't trust me. Which, based on how I'd acted, I can understand - but what I can't make her understand, is how sorry I am about it, and how certain I am it would never happen again. So, now they're living together, and I'm counting the days till my previous ex moves out, at which point I'll be 32 and alone, whilst I'm getting texts from friends expecting kids, getting married, and doing all the other things I should be thinking about.
I originally thought I was taking this as I have any other bad event in my life. I cried for a few days, moped around the house, then got back to my old self. But after I met my g/f two months later, I realized I'd been in complete denial the whole time, and was expecting us to get back together. When I looked back I'd even been carrying on our joint hobbies etc. as though nothing had happened. On hearing she'd moved in with someone else, the bottom pretty much fell out of my world.
That was a month ago. And, overall, I wish I could get that outside perspective that it's not *that* big a deal. I still have my job, health, home, and family. But I constantly have a feeling something awful has - and is about to - happen.
I realized after about a week it wasn't just sadness as I'd experienced before in life. I couldn't eat properly, sleep, and was a '3' for all the standard questions about depression, with the possible exception of suicidal thoughts, which I've had but not planned or taken really seriously. I went to the doctor, talked for about 20 minutes, and got prescribed some anxiety medication at such a low dose it's basically a placebo, with a follow up appointment in a few weeks. I've booked a counselling session, but I've also realized how little help there actually seems to be out there besides tablets and a chat once a week. I have this constant feeling of loss, failure, regret, and sadness, but I haven't been able to cry. Every minute my mind is fixed on either what I've done wrong, some crazy and implausible scheme to win my ex back and suddenly feel fine, or the bleakness of my future. Everything I'd previously enjoyed either reminds me of my ex, or how I neglected her to pursue it. I feel like I'm at the top of a slope and about to slide down it. I can't sleep properly, and every time I wake up I get hit with this wave of terror when I remember what's happened. I can't focus on my work, and I've come dangerously close to yelling at my boss a few times. If I can't get focused, then I'll lose my job, home, and be back living with my parents and have very little future to look forwards to. I need to move flat, but every time I try I think back to looking for a place with my ex just 4 months ago, and see living alone as being a prisoner in a lonely cell.
A lot of this probably stems from insecurity developed in my teens and 20s, for which I was almost entirely single - I have this horrible feeling it took 32 years to meet the right person, and by the time I meet someone else, my chance at a happy, normal, life will be over. I think it's deeper than just this one ex, but the event has played to all my insecurities about life, as well as about living alone (which for me was a decade long haze of online gaming, sleep, solitude, and junk food, which I dread returning to). I can't even play a video game for 5 minutes now without breaking down from memories and regret, and the same goes for pretty much everything I used to spend my time doing.
I guess I'm posting partly because doing something - anything - takes my mind of the situation, otherwise I just pace the flat thinking about it or try and sleep knowing my body doesn't need it. But also partly because I know I'm just at the start of depression, and get the feeling the longer it takes me to break out of it, the harder it will be. Any advice from people on what they'd have done at the top of the slope, with hindsight, would be massively appreciated.
Posted 07 September 2012 - 12:29 PM
I know from personal experience how painful breakups can be. I think a lot of others here can relate as well.
You now have all of us here at DF to add to your emotional support system. You are NOT alone.
Please make yourself feel at home here, take a look around the site, and post wherever you feel most comfortable.
My Diagnoses: Severe OCD, panic disorder, depression
My Current meds: Geodon, Cymbalta, Klonopin, Lyrica
My Previous meds: Prozac, Paxil, Celexa,
Lexapro, Luvox, Zoloft, Clomipramine (a horrible med for me),
Xanax, Seroquel, Zyprexa, Risperdal,
Gabapentin (this med did nothing), Buspar (also did nothing)
Posted 07 September 2012 - 01:12 PM
Posted 08 September 2012 - 01:39 PM
Welcome to DF, it is good to have you here, despite what you are going through.
Breakups are so tough and I really feel for you and what you are going through right now. Take time to grieve the relationship and to look after you. Take care of yourself and pamper yourself as you are a worthwhile person.
You may find the Relationship Room here on DF helpful. I look forward to hearing more from you,
"No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow". ღ ~Maya Angelou
Diagnosis - Borderline Personality Disorder, depression & anxiety. Meds - citalopram and olanzapine.
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