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[p4ce14]

Depression has been a bane on my life for about 4-5 years now. It started when I was about 20. I never thought that I would allow something like this to control me, but it happened. The early 20s are a crucial part of life I feel, and they are gone now. Depression debilitated me to the point where I failed out of all my classes, after 7 years of going to college I still do not have my degree. I missed out on relationships with other people and having a good time. Most of my 20s I have spent either high, drunk or both. Because of this my memory is faded and hard to access as well.

I can identify what started my depression, it was a woman. She got married in May, and since the beginning of this year I have been drinking very heavily by myself. I lost my job as well, and had to move back in with my parents; at 25 that is hard as hell. My brother recently got married, has a good job going, and is building a house and he is 2 years younger than me. I feel like I have missed out and that it is too late for me to make a life for myself.

For 5 years I have dealt with feelings I have for that woman that got married, and it sunk me down into a pit of darkness I never thought could exist. Just recently I got in contact with another woman who is 5 years older than me (was acquainted with her 4 years ago), she seems to really like me and for the first time in 5 years she is sparking a light in me that I thought burned out long ago. I actually really care about her, and that is scaring the hell out of me. It's hard for me to talk to her, worrying if I'm saying the right thing. I don't even really understand why she is talking to me. She is 5 years older than me, extremely pretty, has a job, a social life, and she travels. Here I am, a drunken unemployed college drop out living in his parents basement.

She does give me hope though, and I do believe everything happens for a reason; perhaps she came into my life at this point in time as a guiding light, I'm not really sure. I want to get out of this Hell that I have created for myself, now more than ever. I want to make a meaningful contribution to this world and have a positive, lasting effect on it. I want to throw away this alcoholism and addiction to substances as coping mechanisms.

I'm worried about losing her, worried that if I do that I will fall even further than I already have, if that's even possible. When I had lost all hope, letting darkness almost completely envelope me, this angel appeared showing me that life does have to be what I created in these past 5 years. That there still are things worth fighting for in this world, and that it is possible to feel on a deep level once more. Whatever happens with her, I am very grateful for her being in my life when I was on the brink of total destruction.

Anyway, I just needed a place to put my thoughts down, there has been a lot of activity up in this brain of mine lately.

Edited by p4ce14, 06 September 2012 - 08:00 PM.

[Sheepwoman]

Welcome to DF,p4ce14,
We have many struggling students, students who have dropped out, people who've lost their job and many who've had to move back with their parents for one reason or another. Home is usually a safe haven for us when catastrophes hit us in life. I know you're stuggling now but you will get better with proper treatment. Do yourself a favor and stop abusing alcohol and drugs. Get into AA or NA for support. Everyone in those organizations are dealing with addictions and they support one another. There's usually several meetings going on in many cities. You can call your local hospital for info on these groups or you can contact a local non-profit organization. Substance abuse can enhance depression and make you feel worse when the effects wear off.

As for social anxiety, Dale Carnegie wrote a book called "How to win friends and influence people." It can give you a lot of insight about talking to people. I've read it and learned a lot. I think it will also help you. You may have trouble finding it in a bookstore. Your local library should have a copy.

I hope your new relationship works out for you. Don't worry about the age difference. Many women prefer younger men these days. There's not that many years separateing you.
Sheepwoman