I can identify what started my depression, it was a woman. She got married in May, and since the beginning of this year I have been drinking very heavily by myself. I lost my job as well, and had to move back in with my parents; at 25 that is hard as hell. My brother recently got married, has a good job going, and is building a house and he is 2 years younger than me. I feel like I have missed out and that it is too late for me to make a life for myself.
For 5 years I have dealt with feelings I have for that woman that got married, and it sunk me down into a pit of darkness I never thought could exist. Just recently I got in contact with another woman who is 5 years older than me (was acquainted with her 4 years ago), she seems to really like me and for the first time in 5 years she is sparking a light in me that I thought burned out long ago. I actually really care about her, and that is scaring the hell out of me. It's hard for me to talk to her, worrying if I'm saying the right thing. I don't even really understand why she is talking to me. She is 5 years older than me, extremely pretty, has a job, a social life, and she travels. Here I am, a drunken unemployed college drop out living in his parents basement.
She does give me hope though, and I do believe everything happens for a reason; perhaps she came into my life at this point in time as a guiding light, I'm not really sure. I want to get out of this Hell that I have created for myself, now more than ever. I want to make a meaningful contribution to this world and have a positive, lasting effect on it. I want to throw away this alcoholism and addiction to substances as coping mechanisms.
I'm worried about losing her, worried that if I do that I will fall even further than I already have, if that's even possible. When I had lost all hope, letting darkness almost completely envelope me, this angel appeared showing me that life does have to be what I created in these past 5 years. That there still are things worth fighting for in this world, and that it is possible to feel on a deep level once more. Whatever happens with her, I am very grateful for her being in my life when I was on the brink of total destruction.
Anyway, I just needed a place to put my thoughts down, there has been a lot of activity up in this brain of mine lately.
Edited by p4ce14, 06 September 2012 - 08:00 PM.