Just Feels Like I'm Going To Be Alone
Posted 04 September 2012 - 07:44 PM
Deep down i wanted more from my school life, someone to talk to and cherish. I looked for the soo called one but by then the people who i fought where my friends ruined my reputation, they went around spreading rumores about me, they said thing that would make someone feel pretty sick. the most annoying part too that was everyone believed them. I stood up and fought against the accusations made against me but when it's 5 against 1 your chances are pretty slim. So at this point the took my average school experiences and turned that upside down, i was left with no body, i kept going to school just soo i could be looked at by everyone with a disgusting look on there face when they swore me, i still remember and see there faces when i sleep, i fell into a hole that i couldn't get out, sadly it got soo bad that suicide seemed like a easy option but i didn't want to die soo it left me to in flicked self pain (self harm) but i only did so because it felt like i deserved it. each day went by and i couldn't approach people because i became scared, thinking what would the say and i always had in the back of my mind the rumores they have heard about me. even though some people would smile at me i could still tell that they where thinking about it. so i began my trip in school alone, scared and afraid of people's opinion.
But i did see the light when i entered to sixth form a fresh start, new people and new environment but my past did leave scars and i couldn't get over it soo quickly, but i realised very quickly i started to make new friends and some friends from my school that came to do a levels. it was great but the only problem was i was always with them, i always made the effort to please people and cheer them up, but when i felt down nothing... nobody helped me up. it got to a stage i was pretty good at picking my self up. at this stage i had three best friends that knew this and always stayed with me and gave me most of my favourite memoires.i started to rebuild my self. But i still felt like the loneliness guy in the world. it faded after i finally met a girl who had the same interest as i did, i felt like i had to show how important this moment felt for me. i still had a habit of (self harm) soo i manage to stop and direct my addiction with something similar and worked on trying to build my body. even though i always enjoyed home gym and working out, i began to see result, i started talking to that girl more and it become clear for the first time in 2 years i actually had feeling for something rather than my self pity. we went on a date and we kissed i never felt soo happy, then the next day came she acted like nothing happened! I tried my hardest to talk to her to understand what was going on but she never said she regretted the kiss and she said she liked me to, soo i began become confused again and everything i worked for shattered, felt like i was left with no one. but i'm grateful to my three best friends for helping my back onto my feet. Ever since that incident i felt everyday was worthless but i hid my emotion well, i hide them because i didn't want my friends to see me as a d**k and drag there mood down with mine, but if i admit to my self i was very depressed and angry most of the time and i felt like why do i bother helping or trying to establish a relationship just soo that foundation of hope can someday be destroyed and i would be left and torn.
and then now I'm at collage another new environment, new people once again, two of my best friends came and did the same study as i did and my closes friends i never see any more because he is now in a relationship, i miss the days i spent with him but i understand his situations . i've met more new people and made more friends but the feeling of being scared around people kept me for getting along with everyone. and the feeling of spending my day's forever alone was getting worse.
I'm 18 now and i don't regret what happened to me in upper school because it made me to the person i am today, i wouldn't have my 2 closes's friends by my side. i work out 4 times a week, which keeps my mind of thing's but everyday i sit and get really down knowing the fact i struggle to talk to people and i get scared. and this feeling of being alone it happens to me everyday i get depressed and i can't be bothered to try or acknowledge what is around me it just feel's like im wasting away my days.
any advice would help and maybe abit about your story might help me see thing more clearly
sorry for any spelling mistakes or punctual mistakes, i suck at it >.<
there is still more to my story but i didn't want to write a long form but when i look back i kinda did >.<
Posted 04 September 2012 - 08:16 PM
- CantShakeThisFeeling likes this
Posted 04 September 2012 - 08:22 PM
In comparison, I was always alone growing up in school until about late middle school. I had several disabilities (including motor skills and speech related) and required a paraprofessional until around middle school, then it switched to a consular. As a result I had very few friends and spent most of my days alone. If it wasn't for asking the hard questions, I don't know if I would've made it this far. Spirituality has helped me a lot. But during that time, I survived by living in my own fantasy worlds. The exception to this were a group of buddies I sat at lunch with and later became friends with, but they were strictly gaming buddies and we did nothing to help our circumstances. High school was similar. I have high social anxiety so like I said before, I bury myself in my own fantasy worlds (I'm a writer as a consequence). I still had my gaming buddies, but looking back it was as if we were just comforting our lonliness with each other. So in reality, I still felt alone. I had people who matched my interests, but not my feelings. I have issues understanding my feelings, so that is another story...
Looking back on all of this, therapy is the best solution. Thinking all of this away would be a nice solution, but that's not how it entirely works. I wish you luck in college and hope you find some new people to talk to.
Edited by vyse, 04 September 2012 - 08:25 PM.
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