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[t1barn]

I'm just a couple of days shy of my nineteenth birthday, and I'm at a complete standstill because it feels like every step I take in any direction sends me over some sort of edge.
Two years ago a relationship ended badly and I began to suffer major depression after, still at school. Nobody really took me seriously or any interest in helping me, so it got very bad, peaking midway through 2011 with multiple suicide attempts. Though I finally got a handle on it with a lot of therapy and treatment, I became completely withdrawn, missing my final exams and graduation, though I scraped through anyway.
I only recently emerged from that phase, I actually spent 206 days without leaving the house. Since then, I've been getting back into the way of society, and I've been admittedly slow in finding work/education. All inspiration and motivation has long gone, but you know, I thought I was on the right track.
Earlier this evening, my mother was pressuring me into working one day a week with her, and instantly my instincts told me the only way to avoid it and therefore escape my fears was to cut myself in the bath when everybody was in bed. I thought I'd made a lot of progress in the last year, that's what the whole point of taking it off was, but I'm back to square one!
What do I do now?

/not a crisis, but genuinely concerned about my own wellbeing.

[Epictetus]

Hi t1barn,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Please see your doctor or any doctor because perhaps you have relapsed into another depression. I am not a doctor and so I cannot diagnose you. Depressions can recur. Something else to consider is that some people discontinue treatment when they begin to feel better but some research seems to show that any remaining unresolved symptoms of depression can be signs that the brain is still in an active disease state.

Please be aware of this huge fact: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Depression has been linked to atrophy [wasting away] of the brain. One area of the brain can lose as much as 20% of its total volume in depression. Please consider that number t1barn. A 20% volumetric loss is a huge loss for the brain to suffer. It is amazing that the brain can even function at all with such a large deficit. Does anyone else in your family suffer from depression? One study shows a 28% thinning in the right cerebral cortex, the outer layer of the brain in people with a family history of depression. That is also a large loss. So please see a doctor. I want to welcome you to this Forum where we are all fellow sufferers. People here are very kind and understanding and I have been able to lean on them for strength. Please lean on us anytime you need extra support because we can understand what you are going through from the inside. So sorry again for your suffering. I am sending you my best thoughts and wishes today!!!

Edited by Ep1ctetus, 03 September 2012 - 10:44 AM.

[LaurynJcat]

Hi t1barn.

Are you still taking medication or having some kind of therapy or support? Most people need to continue getting treatment while getting back into the routine of life, including work and/or school. It's natural to be anxious about such things when you've been withdrawn for a long time. A depression support group can really help, like DF or a live group. You could contact your local mental health center about free depression support groups. It's nice to know people in your community going through the same thing. Or look up Emotions Anonymous which is a 12-step group for people with emotional problems.

You are not alone. Make yourself at home here and check out the various forums and you'll see lots of similar stories. I'm really glad you survived the suicide attempts and the depths of your depression and I hope you can continue to get better.

Hugs to you,
Lauryn