No one should be alone in this. We can help. View New Content

[lowrider2]

Day 12: I started taking welbutrin sr 150 mg twice a day after approx. 12 years on generic prozac.

Back story: The prozac helped me in so many ways, I had my ups and downs but for the most part the depression was in control. So in control that 1 year ago I decided to stop taking it. Big mistake! I crashed so hard after 1 month that I thought I would never come out on the other side. I have had my bouts of extreme lows on the prozac and always succeeded for the most part on my own. Exercised, stayed busy, listened to Howard Stern who saved my life, more than once. But the time that I stopped taking it was the worst! I actually called my mother to stay at my house and babysit me because I didnt trust myself alone. I pulled myself out of it and I am here today to write this.

Now fast forward to the same time almost a year later. I am in a new relationship (after deciding, I would be alone forever because of all of this) that has gone from dating to moving in together, to my girlfriend being pregnant. I was so ecstatic, I never thought I would experience any of this. I was always scared to be a father because of the depression but I have been in control and have been feeling great. The only issue was my girlfriend was becoming turned off to the fact that I was never into the physical aspect of our relationship. The side effect of the prozac had turned me off to sex that I could take it or leave it. It was really affecting us so she asked me to change meds to something with no side effects. Wellbutrin was the natural choice. Changing medication scared me to death because I know how it feels to be at your lowest depths of the water. I am on day 12 and I am struggling for air! I reach the top for an hour or two then someone pulls me down. I have to swim all the way back up and I am so tired that I feel like I can't make it again. BUT I DO.

This is so frustrating to me because I have reached the place in my life that has caused me so much anguish in the past. i found a great girl, I 'm going to be a dad. Everything is going my way, but I can't enjoy it because of this. My girlfriend is pregnant and I can't focus on her because I am waking up in tears. This makes it 10x worse. I'm here because I just needed a place to explain how I feel because I'm sure my gf is over it!

I know it is only day 12 and people state that it takes 8 weeks! to feel the effects, my gf has been so supportive thru all of this, but the time when it should be about her I can't be there because I can barely get off the couch. I am struggling and just need some insight: Thanks for listening.

[gunnyrun6712]

Hey Buddy. Your story hits close to home for me. I was on Prozac and Cymbalta before I started to take Wellbutrin. The prozac controlled my mental health, but made me constantly drowsy and out of it. Cymbalta also controlled my mental health, but I was practically an insomniac, sleeping 1-3 hours a night at best. Both drugs definately interfered with my sexual functioning. Looking back, I started to take the prozac when I was 17, which is typically the peak of puberty, sexual functioning, ect. Throughout my 20's I always assumed that I just was not a sexual person. Like you stated, I could take it or leave it. I think this led to the deterioration of several of my relationships (although right now I'm not complaining about that). When I met my soon to be wife, who is a beautiful person, inside and out, she asked me about 6 months into our relationship why I never wanted to make love to her, insinuating that there was something about her physically that I disliked. Which was ultimately not the case at all. I've heard similar complaints from girlfriends in the past. I talked to my doctor about changing meds about 3 years ago I explained to him about my insomnia and the sexual side effects and he suggested Wellbutrin. I remember the transition from Cymbalta to Wellbutrin to be very rocky. I would wake up sweating in the middle of the night. I remember not wanting to get out of bed. Crying spells, which was very emasculating. My negative thoughts had returned, which is something I wasnt used to because the Prozac and Cymbalta adequately controlled my Depression. My lowest of the low occurred at 19, when I tried to commit suicide. My older brother died in Iraq when I was 17, which is why I turned to medication in the first place. So I know what you mean when you say extreme lows. My transition symtoms lasted about 2 1/2-3 weeks. And it has been smooth sailing ever since. We got married two years ago. Had our first child 6 months ago. Congratulations on that by the way!! My Depression is controlled. My sex drive is like a teenager, which makes my wife and I still feel like we're newly weds! And I'm hoping that continues because we have never been closer. I don't think I could or would want to go back to the 'take it or leave it" sex drive. Switching to Wellbutrin was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Although I do remember at one point thinking that it was one of the worst. Hang in there buddy. Your almost over the mountain. Be there for your pregnant girlfriend and enjoy looking forward to being a dad. The best is yet to come.

[lowrider2]

gunnyrun6712: I just got home from forcing myself out of bed this morning and into the "real world" and read your reply. Thank you so much!! you have no idea how much that meant to me. I too, have dealt with loss and have been on AD since 20. My father whom suffered from severe depression got into a motorcycle accident and died when I was 20. I was devastated. Years passed and I could not handle the grief. I was on my way to work, the first week at my "dream" job fresh out of college and busted an extreme u-turn and came home and swallowed every pill in my house, most of them my dads from his battle and on-going switching of meds. My mother came home and found me and rushed me to the hospital if not for her I once again would not be here to write this. Off and on from that day I would relapse into depressive states but for the most part like you said the prozac controlled it. Looking back I used to think I was extremely lazy but the prozac made me drowsy as well. ha! Once again, right on with the relationship aspect, lots of failed attempts at a happy one but same complaint from many, don't you find me attractive? Why don't you want to sleep with me? Which led to more depression now that I think about it. Lots of break-ups! I have had one more extreme attempt at taking my own life after the pill incident but after I came thru on the other side with a few scars as a constant reminder, I made a pact to myself that I will never make that an option again! My brother didn't keep that promise to himself and when I was 27 and on the cusp of buying my very first house he commited suicide. Once again devastated, I devoted every waking minute to fixing up and creating the perfect place for myself to live. Couldn't explain to you the amount of energy and time I put into my house. Probably saved my life. Most frustrating thing is when I get depressed like this i resent my home and don't want to be here. Ironic kinda.

Once again your reply and the fact that we both have very similar experiences made my day. I was very anxious after reading many people's posts about it taking 8 weeks until they felt anything. That is a long time to feel like this everyday. I hope we have similar experiences and I feel it after 2 1/2 - 3. I know everyone is different. I am very sorry to hear about your brother, I can relate obviously. Congratulations! on the baby. What did you name your baby? Boy/Girl?

[lowrider2]

Day 13: The anxiety/depression is so intense in the a.m., I wake up at 5:30 in the morning consistently since starting the med. Very un-like me. It makes for an awfully long day dealing with these feelings. I sleep fairly well thru out the night. Not as well as usual. I wake up with a pit in my stomach, a lump in my throat, DRY MOUTH and what feels like pressure on my chest. I feel such anxiety for an upcoming party that I planned a month ago at my house, to celebrate my gf moving in. I feel like well now would not be the time to drink, and my friends are BIG drinkers, and will probably stay up till all hours of the night. I feel like as the host of the party I can't go to bed early but waking up at 5:30 every morning leaves me so tired at end of day. I feel like it won't be fun for everyone because of the way I'm feeling. My house/backyard is too small, where will everyone sit? Yard isnt very conducive to any type of game, volleyball, cornhole.. Mind races with anxiety over this stupid party that I planned! I didn't have any of these feeling prior to starting this med, I want to cancel but feel like that will make me feel worse. Double-edged sword! When I was on prozac I used to sleep it off because it made me so tired on top of having zero energy when I was depressed. Wellbutrin gives me energy so I am wide awake when I just want to sleep it off. Guess I am forced to deal with these feelings when prior I could escape them the easier way. Appetite is for sh*t as well. Had a little one yesterday. Not to mention I am sun burnt, but I assumed that was going to happen, I intentionally didn't put sun block on yesterday just so I could feel something else other than depressed/anxious. Might have been a bad mistake. (forced) ha!

Anyways this little "journal" will hopefully help me get thru the long hours of the morning before I go to work and I am up 2.5 hours prior UGH! and keep my mind off things in the mean-time while this med takes effect.

[gunnyrun6712]

Hey Lowrider2. I’m glad my story helped. It is eerie how our experiences are similar. And thank you for the sympathies about my brother. He was a great man. And I’m so sorry about your father and brother. Dealing with that twice must have been/is still so difficult. I still battle my grief with my brother everyday so I know how you feel. It doesn’t get easier, but it becomes easier coming to terms with it. And I do understand about finding something to devote yourself to in order to keep your mind off reverting to negative thoughts like you did with your house. That was a suggestion my therapist always made to me. We named our little girl Cassandra May. Cassie is my world now. I honestly never thought I’d be a father either. I always told myself I could be perfectly content by myself without children. It sounds lonely and pathetic now, and I’m sure my depression had impact on that decision making. But that changed when I met my wife. I couldn’t imagine my life without either of them! It is such an amazing experience. I love coming home to them everyday. Cassie is a daddy’s girl already. Also, it is a constant reminder that I CANNOT go back to that depressive place. Now I have more important people and things to think about and I can’t afford to let my family suffer because of my Depression. Are you having a boy or girl? And when is the due date? Thought of any names?

When I was 19, pills were also how I chose to attempt suicide. I downed my whole bottle of Prozac, which was filled less than a week prior. Bought some Perocet, Vicodan, and Darvocet off one of the dealers at college, and took them all after class one day. Everything at that time was just spiraling out of control. It was a month after the 2 year anniversary of my brother’s death. My counselor had quit and I really developed a relationship with her. My girlfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks earlier, saying I didn’t make her feel special and couldn’t meet her needs (broken record). I just wanted to be with my brother who I idolized. The next thing I remember, I woke up in a hospital bed. My roommate came home from class and found me in the kitchen in our college apartment. Which is interesting, since the last thing I remember is taking the pills, locking my bedroom door, crossing my arms and laying on my bed. I have no recollection of going to or being in the kitchen. He said there was a trail of vomit leading from my bedroom, so I assume I was going for the sink? Anyway, I was hospitalized for a week after in a psychiatric facility. My mother made me take the rest of the semester off of school so I could do intensive treatment, and I don’t think she wanted to leave me alone. She couldn’t handle losing 2 sons, is what she told me. My lowest of the low. My only attempt. But not my only thought of suicide that’s for sure. Looking back on it, I’d like to think that my brother stepped in and said it wasn’t my time. Like he always protected me in childhood “Your not allowed!” I can hear him saying.

I relate on the relationship aspect, also lots of break ups. It was to the point where I even hesitated entering any kind of relationship with a woman, because I knew it would end in ruins. And I had no desire to have sex so what did I need a woman for? Boulevard of Broken Dreams was my theme song at the time. I recall my buddies at one point questioning whether I was gay. They were busy trying to pick up chicks from frat parties and bars, and I really didn’t participate. In fact, I started to play along just to prove I wasn’t gay, despite my lack of interest. Which actually didn’t help at all, because half the time I couldn’t preform even after sealing the deal. Or if I could preform, I couldn’t ejaculate. That became even more embarrassing than my buddies questioning my sexual orientation. Likewise, I heard a lot of “Don’t you think I’m hot?” and “Is something wrong with me?” I never felt comfortable with anyone to really talk about my depression. It was embarrassing to me. Not my buddies, not my girlfriends. I stayed in my own little secluded world for a long time. Ironically, that didnt help my depression either!

I even hid my Depression from my wife, then girlfriend, for a long time. I mentioned that she asked me why I never wanted to make love to her. I blew it off the first time, saying work is tiresome, and then excuse, after excuse, after excuse. Again, I just assumed our relationship would run it’s course and end like all the rest. Predictably. What I didn’t expect was how devastated I would be when she did want to end it with me. Most of my breakups turned into yelling and screaming matches and slamming doors. But, she sat me down, and explained how I made her feel. She told me that as much as I emotionally showed her I loved her, told her I loved her (which I did and certainly meant. Every night I stayed at her apartment I left her a note on the bathroom mirror in the morning), and as much as I showered her with little gifts (I’m not rich, so I did what I could, flowers, and jewelry), it wasn’t enough, and she needed me to physically show her. I’ll never forget the aguish in her voice and the pain on her face. She told me that my lack of sexual interest in her made her feel as though something was wrong with her. It gave her serious image issues. She asked if I thought she was fat. She asked me if I thought she was ugly. She asked me what she needed to change to make her attractive to me. And she didnt know about my depression or the medication, so looking back I see that it was completely normal for her to ask those questions and feel that way. I was hurting her, bad, which hurt me. She had met a few friends for dinner and drinks the night before and said that a man across the bar bought her a drink and was smiling at her from across the bar, which sent my jealousy radar sky high, even though she rejcted the guy, she told me the fact that she knew he found her attractive made her crave physical love. Which is something I wasn’t giving her. I think it had been almost a month that we hadn’t had sex. And the thought of her being with anyone else was so overpowering that I broke down and told her all about my depression, my brother, my thoughts, my feelings, battles with relationships, suicidal thoughts and attempt. She didn’t understand Depression and mental health and it’s certainly hard to explain to anyone that hasn’t suffered through it. I’m not sure if I was more ashamed verbalizing everything I had been through to someone who was not a professional or if I was more scared that she would leave me because of what I had told her. I promised her that I would be more attentive to her phsycial needs. I tried to, but again, the Cymbalta made sex feel like a duty. So I had her come to one of my counseling sessions with me. Which is when I asked my Doctor about the medication change. Again, she didn’t fully understand it then, but seeing the drastic change now really helped her to understand that it wasn’t her.

I see that your on day 13. Like I said, after 3 weeks I felt like a new man. And your definitely right, everyone is different, but hold on. I can relate on being up at all hours of the night. The Cymbalta was my culprit in that. I started to write in a journal every time I couldn’t sleep. I felt my mind racing, so I thought I would put it to good use. I became very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings from writing in my journal. Made it easier to communicate how I was feeling to my wife. I even had her start one too, about her thoughts, feelings, and questions. It appears the forum is your online journal. As far as the party goes, I always found it positive to be around my peers, especially when I was in depressive states. As much as I dreaded the action of doing anything, I felt better once I was actually out. And I recall increased anxiety and energy with Wellbutrin when I first started. Which led to alot of dry heaving and crying. They have since subsided. I think your stressing yourself out too much. It’s obviously the transition symptoms that are making you dread your own party, did you worry about your guests having a good time prior to starting the medication? As far as the drinking, I know that with the Cymbalta I would have a scotch and water or two nightly before bed, hoping it would help with the insomnia and sometimes it did. I continued through my transition with the Wellbutrin, although I don’t think that is the kind of drinking that you are talking about. I personally, always had a moderate intake of alcohol. In college and through my mid twenties, I would consider my intake even greater. Lol. So I was never really concerned with the effects of alcohol with my AD, even though every doctor will caution you. My suggestion is if your not a big drinker, then stay away from the alcohol, because you dont know how the new meds will effect you. I still have a nightly cap with my scotch, and it doesnt negatively effect me.

Again, try to stay positive and hold on. It was certainly worth it for me in the end. Everytime I look at my wife and little girl I thank my stars that my suicide attempt didn’t work. And I thank my stars for all the failed relationships. And I thank my stars for the broken road that led me to exactly where I am right now. I enjoy hearing your story. Please keep updating me. Hang on!

P.s. If your wife’s sex drive is anything like mine was when she was pregnant than you picked a good time to change medication!

[lowrider2]

gunnyrun6712: Wow! Like you said it is eerie how similar our situations are. I mean what you are explaining to me hits home and honestly is making this so much easier. I have friends that know I am/was on medicine, I only talk to my one friend about my feelings but he has NO IDEA what it feels like. He used to tell me, if you are sad/anxious then don't think about it. I love that line, like oh, I never thhought of that, thanks for advice. Ha. But in all honesty he truly has ben my rock for a long time, has ALWAYS been there for me thru everything and love him for that. I just feel like, how many times can he hear me cry about being down and out. Oh well...

As far as drinking, growing up, starting at about 15/16 started drinking pretty regularly, and continued up until about a year ago. The hangovers have become so intense that it scares me to drink a lot, of course I slip up more than I wish I do. Like you said drinking on the AD was never an issue for me, have a pretty high tolerance for alcohol. It now makes me drowsy and full rather then buzzed and happy like the old days. Thats why I said my friends are still big drinkers, they can drink every day and be fine. I drink one night heavy and I am ruined for 2 days, physically and mentally. But always perk back and make the same dumb mistake. and to answer your question prior to the new med, I was excited for the party! Couldn't wait to have people over. Sweating every detail now. I contemplate canceling every hour then change my mind, its absurd actually. Supposed to be a fun thing not a punishment. ha.

The journal thing was my escape too! I kept a journal from the time I started at age 20 up until last month (12 years of them!) I had stacks of them locked in a lock box under my bed. Someone broke into my home recently and stole my lock box amongst other things watches, jewelry, etc. Only thing I cared about was journals everything else was just things. Even typing this now, it crushes me, because all I want to do is have them back, so I can look back at my struggles and how I pulled thru. Guess that is why I chose to write here so no one can steal it from me. May not be the best place to "journal" or "blog" but it makes me feel better and I need that. I'll be selfish.

I too always felt like someone (my dad) kept me here safe when I was harming myself. I thought how am I still here? My mom always says when you find a dime it is your dad watching you. Don't know why she said that? It always helps though. When I had new carpets installed in my house I put dimes under every one. When I walked up my driveway of my new home and thought I will never get this place together after hearing about my brother I looked down and found a dime. After the doctors appt. we received the good news about the pregnancy, my gf pulled her keys out of her purse and 2 dimes flew out (now have my dad and my brother). I almost cried, but I was too happy about the news. I was walking on air, I can't wait to get back there and feel that way again! From what you said, every day coming home to that baby will be that way. So maybe that will help you too, everytime you find a dime it is your brother watching over you.

My gf is 11 weeks along so, we don't know sex yet, we were thinking Carter for a girl. Carter for a boy. Simple, I am sure it will change, a million times.

May be sentimental and emotional because of the drug but once again thank you so much and please check in with me, it is helping TONS, I am glad you survived and are here to pull me thru. I hope I can do the same for someone who is feeling the way I am right now. (eventually)

[lowrider2]

DAY 14: Woke up at my normal ungodly hour of 5. Anxiety wasn't as bad as yesterday morning. I layed there and tried to breathe and keep my mind off the fact I was awake for what felt like an hour. Clock says 5:19, boo. Yesterday was one of the worst days I felt since starting well b. Physically I felt flu-like, achey, cold then hot, nauseus, anxious, down mood wise. It lasted all day, never subsided until about 6-ish when I came home from work. Reading this forum helps a lot. The lack of appetitie is painful because I am usually a big eater. 174 lbs. when starting. I am hoping it doesn't affect weight too much. I am happy with my weight as is. I have been making the best of my time up early, by writing this and taking dog for a nicce long walk. Wish I could feel the difference of the exercising, right now I feel so weak, strength-wise and meak. Which I'm sure will subside once my mood elevates. I still have that constant pit in my stomach, tightness in chest, lump in my throat. I must be sleeping wrong too because my neck is so d*** sore. I feel like I am on the verge of breaking down and crying but the med is keeping it from happening. I would actually take a good cry, might help release some feelings but no luck. Hoping for a better day, which I am sure will be the case since it doesnt get much worse than yesterday. I wanted to give up so bad yesterday, just go back to the prozac, anything to escape the thought of going thru this any longer. All in all I feel like I am going to get better. I have positive expectations. I have been in this place, lots of times and always pull myself out. The lingering thought is I pulled myself out with positive thougts and prozac...not wellbutrin. Fingers crossed.

[lowrider2]

DAY 15: Good news is I woke up at 6 instead of 5. Bad news is the anxiety is still very much there in the mornings so much that it is hard to breathe. Which is odd to me because I never had a problem with anxiety before. I just figure it is a side effect and will subside. Yesterday was the best day I have had since starting. Am I back to my self, hell no. Still no appetite, still that meak feeling, no confidence to even leave my desk at work, I used to take a nice walk at noon everyday, with 2 other work-mates, and grab some lunch - the thought of that pains me. I have used the excuse that I have so much work to do when they ask me recently. I decided to cancel my party, it is supposed to rain firstly, and being around alcohol right now is not a good idea, nor does it seem enjoyable, watching everyone else do alcohol bongs and shots all night long. I felt confident yesterday that the well b is working and slowly but surely I will be me again. I felt very cloudy/dizzy when I laid down to bed last night. Didnt like that. Still no boost in the libido department. Bad news for me and the old lady. I now am thinking about my up-coming dek hockey season more and more. I used to LOVE to play, got excited for games. I fear it now. I feel like I couldnt even pick up a stick if I tried. Arms feel like noodles. I am worried that I won't be as quick on this med, I am goalie. What if my reaction time is dulled...once again all effects of being down.

[gunnyrun6712]

Lowrider2- Looks like things are really looking better for you from your last two entries! That's great. Like I said, I think about 2 week is when I really started to feel different, and after about 3 weeks I felt remarkable. I'd like to say I was back to my old self, but I'd describe this me as better! I've never played dek hockey, but some of my friends forced me to play a pickup game of basketball a few times when I was transitioning and I know that it made me feel better afterward, as much as I dreaded doing it at the time.

I'm sorry about your house and your journals. That really is a shame. No insurance cant replace sentiment. I hope you got everything else back at least. As much as it may be nice now to see what you were experiencing then, mayeb they are gone so you can find it it yourself a better way of coping. If you were drinking heavy you dont want to go back to that. And I really like the dime thing! Never heard it before. I hope I have an expereince like the one you had a the doctors office, where I can know that my brother is watching over me.

I remember in the morning, one thing that would help me through the sweats and anxiety is drinking a big glass of ice cold water and then laying my head back down. I'm not sure why? Maybe the cold going through my body would calm me down. Sounds so simple, but it did help alot.

I like the name. I've never heard it for a girl but that's awesome. I think we found out at 16 weeks or maybe 17? It was really a remarkable experience. She said she knew all along that it was a girl and she was certain. She wasnt even suprised at the ultrasound. Does you or your wife have any idea what you think the sex is?

Keep hanging in there. It certainly is a up and downhill battle for the first few weeks. But everything your describing is what I felt. And if we are as similar as our stories, you should be feeling better in no time. Just remember it will be worth it! If you slip up with the Prozac, which I remember wanting to do with Cymbalta, you will have to start all over again! And I told you that I could and would NEVER go back to how I was before! Hang tough Lowrider, your almost there!

[lowrider2]

Gunnyrun - Today and yesterday I def felt like I was getting closer to myself, feeling better mentally, the physical symptoms are ******* me right now, though. Light-headed, dizzy-ish, sick to my stomach. Felt sort of flu-like the other day. Do you remember any of that? Sitting in front of a computer at work all day doesn't help it either.

The anxiety, sweats in the a.m. did they go away for you, I assume? Do you have any side-effects now?
I did notice the dry mouth has gone down a lot. Hated that!

We actually both think it is going to be a girl too!