Father 2 B
Posted 03 September 2012 - 06:40 AM
Back story: The prozac helped me in so many ways, I had my ups and downs but for the most part the depression was in control. So in control that 1 year ago I decided to stop taking it. Big mistake! I crashed so hard after 1 month that I thought I would never come out on the other side. I have had my bouts of extreme lows on the prozac and always succeeded for the most part on my own. Exercised, stayed busy, listened to Howard Stern who saved my life, more than once. But the time that I stopped taking it was the worst! I actually called my mother to stay at my house and babysit me because I didnt trust myself alone. I pulled myself out of it and I am here today to write this.
Now fast forward to the same time almost a year later. I am in a new relationship (after deciding, I would be alone forever because of all of this) that has gone from dating to moving in together, to my girlfriend being pregnant. I was so ecstatic, I never thought I would experience any of this. I was always scared to be a father because of the depression but I have been in control and have been feeling great. The only issue was my girlfriend was becoming turned off to the fact that I was never into the physical aspect of our relationship. The side effect of the prozac had turned me off to sex that I could take it or leave it. It was really affecting us so she asked me to change meds to something with no side effects. Wellbutrin was the natural choice. Changing medication scared me to death because I know how it feels to be at your lowest depths of the water. I am on day 12 and I am struggling for air! I reach the top for an hour or two then someone pulls me down. I have to swim all the way back up and I am so tired that I feel like I can't make it again. BUT I DO.
This is so frustrating to me because I have reached the place in my life that has caused me so much anguish in the past. i found a great girl, I 'm going to be a dad. Everything is going my way, but I can't enjoy it because of this. My girlfriend is pregnant and I can't focus on her because I am waking up in tears. This makes it 10x worse. I'm here because I just needed a place to explain how I feel because I'm sure my gf is over it!
I know it is only day 12 and people state that it takes 8 weeks! to feel the effects, my gf has been so supportive thru all of this, but the time when it should be about her I can't be there because I can barely get off the couch. I am struggling and just need some insight: Thanks for listening.
Posted 03 September 2012 - 11:22 AM
Posted 03 September 2012 - 02:33 PM
Once again your reply and the fact that we both have very similar experiences made my day. I was very anxious after reading many people's posts about it taking 8 weeks until they felt anything. That is a long time to feel like this everyday. I hope we have similar experiences and I feel it after 2 1/2 - 3. I know everyone is different. I am very sorry to hear about your brother, I can relate obviously. Congratulations! on the baby. What did you name your baby? Boy/Girl?
Posted 04 September 2012 - 04:59 AM
Anyways this little "journal" will hopefully help me get thru the long hours of the morning before I go to work and I am up 2.5 hours prior UGH! and keep my mind off things in the mean-time while this med takes effect.
Posted 04 September 2012 - 12:50 PM
When I was 19, pills were also how I chose to attempt suicide. I downed my whole bottle of Prozac, which was filled less than a week prior. Bought some Perocet, Vicodan, and Darvocet off one of the dealers at college, and took them all after class one day. Everything at that time was just spiraling out of control. It was a month after the 2 year anniversary of my brother’s death. My counselor had quit and I really developed a relationship with her. My girlfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks earlier, saying I didn’t make her feel special and couldn’t meet her needs (broken record). I just wanted to be with my brother who I idolized. The next thing I remember, I woke up in a hospital bed. My roommate came home from class and found me in the kitchen in our college apartment. Which is interesting, since the last thing I remember is taking the pills, locking my bedroom door, crossing my arms and laying on my bed. I have no recollection of going to or being in the kitchen. He said there was a trail of vomit leading from my bedroom, so I assume I was going for the sink? Anyway, I was hospitalized for a week after in a psychiatric facility. My mother made me take the rest of the semester off of school so I could do intensive treatment, and I don’t think she wanted to leave me alone. She couldn’t handle losing 2 sons, is what she told me. My lowest of the low. My only attempt. But not my only thought of suicide that’s for sure. Looking back on it, I’d like to think that my brother stepped in and said it wasn’t my time. Like he always protected me in childhood “Your not allowed!” I can hear him saying.
I relate on the relationship aspect, also lots of break ups. It was to the point where I even hesitated entering any kind of relationship with a woman, because I knew it would end in ruins. And I had no desire to have sex so what did I need a woman for? Boulevard of Broken Dreams was my theme song at the time. I recall my buddies at one point questioning whether I was gay. They were busy trying to pick up chicks from frat parties and bars, and I really didn’t participate. In fact, I started to play along just to prove I wasn’t gay, despite my lack of interest. Which actually didn’t help at all, because half the time I couldn’t preform even after sealing the deal. Or if I could preform, I couldn’t ejaculate. That became even more embarrassing than my buddies questioning my sexual orientation. Likewise, I heard a lot of “Don’t you think I’m hot?” and “Is something wrong with me?” I never felt comfortable with anyone to really talk about my depression. It was embarrassing to me. Not my buddies, not my girlfriends. I stayed in my own little secluded world for a long time. Ironically, that didnt help my depression either!
I even hid my Depression from my wife, then girlfriend, for a long time. I mentioned that she asked me why I never wanted to make love to her. I blew it off the first time, saying work is tiresome, and then excuse, after excuse, after excuse. Again, I just assumed our relationship would run it’s course and end like all the rest. Predictably. What I didn’t expect was how devastated I would be when she did want to end it with me. Most of my breakups turned into yelling and screaming matches and slamming doors. But, she sat me down, and explained how I made her feel. She told me that as much as I emotionally showed her I loved her, told her I loved her (which I did and certainly meant. Every night I stayed at her apartment I left her a note on the bathroom mirror in the morning), and as much as I showered her with little gifts (I’m not rich, so I did what I could, flowers, and jewelry), it wasn’t enough, and she needed me to physically show her. I’ll never forget the aguish in her voice and the pain on her face. She told me that my lack of sexual interest in her made her feel as though something was wrong with her. It gave her serious image issues. She asked if I thought she was fat. She asked me if I thought she was ugly. She asked me what she needed to change to make her attractive to me. And she didnt know about my depression or the medication, so looking back I see that it was completely normal for her to ask those questions and feel that way. I was hurting her, bad, which hurt me. She had met a few friends for dinner and drinks the night before and said that a man across the bar bought her a drink and was smiling at her from across the bar, which sent my jealousy radar sky high, even though she rejcted the guy, she told me the fact that she knew he found her attractive made her crave physical love. Which is something I wasn’t giving her. I think it had been almost a month that we hadn’t had sex. And the thought of her being with anyone else was so overpowering that I broke down and told her all about my depression, my brother, my thoughts, my feelings, battles with relationships, suicidal thoughts and attempt. She didn’t understand Depression and mental health and it’s certainly hard to explain to anyone that hasn’t suffered through it. I’m not sure if I was more ashamed verbalizing everything I had been through to someone who was not a professional or if I was more scared that she would leave me because of what I had told her. I promised her that I would be more attentive to her phsycial needs. I tried to, but again, the Cymbalta made sex feel like a duty. So I had her come to one of my counseling sessions with me. Which is when I asked my Doctor about the medication change. Again, she didn’t fully understand it then, but seeing the drastic change now really helped her to understand that it wasn’t her.
I see that your on day 13. Like I said, after 3 weeks I felt like a new man. And your definitely right, everyone is different, but hold on. I can relate on being up at all hours of the night. The Cymbalta was my culprit in that. I started to write in a journal every time I couldn’t sleep. I felt my mind racing, so I thought I would put it to good use. I became very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings from writing in my journal. Made it easier to communicate how I was feeling to my wife. I even had her start one too, about her thoughts, feelings, and questions. It appears the forum is your online journal. As far as the party goes, I always found it positive to be around my peers, especially when I was in depressive states. As much as I dreaded the action of doing anything, I felt better once I was actually out. And I recall increased anxiety and energy with Wellbutrin when I first started. Which led to alot of dry heaving and crying. They have since subsided. I think your stressing yourself out too much. It’s obviously the transition symptoms that are making you dread your own party, did you worry about your guests having a good time prior to starting the medication? As far as the drinking, I know that with the Cymbalta I would have a scotch and water or two nightly before bed, hoping it would help with the insomnia and sometimes it did. I continued through my transition with the Wellbutrin, although I don’t think that is the kind of drinking that you are talking about. I personally, always had a moderate intake of alcohol. In college and through my mid twenties, I would consider my intake even greater. Lol. So I was never really concerned with the effects of alcohol with my AD, even though every doctor will caution you. My suggestion is if your not a big drinker, then stay away from the alcohol, because you dont know how the new meds will effect you. I still have a nightly cap with my scotch, and it doesnt negatively effect me.
Again, try to stay positive and hold on. It was certainly worth it for me in the end. Everytime I look at my wife and little girl I thank my stars that my suicide attempt didn’t work. And I thank my stars for all the failed relationships. And I thank my stars for the broken road that led me to exactly where I am right now. I enjoy hearing your story. Please keep updating me. Hang on!
P.s. If your wife’s sex drive is anything like mine was when she was pregnant than you picked a good time to change medication!
Posted 04 September 2012 - 05:44 PM
As far as drinking, growing up, starting at about 15/16 started drinking pretty regularly, and continued up until about a year ago. The hangovers have become so intense that it scares me to drink a lot, of course I slip up more than I wish I do. Like you said drinking on the AD was never an issue for me, have a pretty high tolerance for alcohol. It now makes me drowsy and full rather then buzzed and happy like the old days. Thats why I said my friends are still big drinkers, they can drink every day and be fine. I drink one night heavy and I am ruined for 2 days, physically and mentally. But always perk back and make the same dumb mistake. and to answer your question prior to the new med, I was excited for the party! Couldn't wait to have people over. Sweating every detail now. I contemplate canceling every hour then change my mind, its absurd actually. Supposed to be a fun thing not a punishment. ha.
The journal thing was my escape too! I kept a journal from the time I started at age 20 up until last month (12 years of them!) I had stacks of them locked in a lock box under my bed. Someone broke into my home recently and stole my lock box amongst other things watches, jewelry, etc. Only thing I cared about was journals everything else was just things. Even typing this now, it crushes me, because all I want to do is have them back, so I can look back at my struggles and how I pulled thru. Guess that is why I chose to write here so no one can steal it from me. May not be the best place to "journal" or "blog" but it makes me feel better and I need that. I'll be selfish.
I too always felt like someone (my dad) kept me here safe when I was harming myself. I thought how am I still here? My mom always says when you find a dime it is your dad watching you. Don't know why she said that? It always helps though. When I had new carpets installed in my house I put dimes under every one. When I walked up my driveway of my new home and thought I will never get this place together after hearing about my brother I looked down and found a dime. After the doctors appt. we received the good news about the pregnancy, my gf pulled her keys out of her purse and 2 dimes flew out (now have my dad and my brother). I almost cried, but I was too happy about the news. I was walking on air, I can't wait to get back there and feel that way again! From what you said, every day coming home to that baby will be that way. So maybe that will help you too, everytime you find a dime it is your brother watching over you.
My gf is 11 weeks along so, we don't know sex yet, we were thinking Carter for a girl. Carter for a boy. Simple, I am sure it will change, a million times.
May be sentimental and emotional because of the drug but once again thank you so much and please check in with me, it is helping TONS, I am glad you survived and are here to pull me thru. I hope I can do the same for someone who is feeling the way I am right now. (eventually)
Posted 05 September 2012 - 05:07 AM
Posted 06 September 2012 - 05:30 AM
Posted 06 September 2012 - 01:44 PM
I'm sorry about your house and your journals. That really is a shame. No insurance cant replace sentiment. I hope you got everything else back at least. As much as it may be nice now to see what you were experiencing then, mayeb they are gone so you can find it it yourself a better way of coping. If you were drinking heavy you dont want to go back to that. And I really like the dime thing! Never heard it before. I hope I have an expereince like the one you had a the doctors office, where I can know that my brother is watching over me.
I remember in the morning, one thing that would help me through the sweats and anxiety is drinking a big glass of ice cold water and then laying my head back down. I'm not sure why? Maybe the cold going through my body would calm me down. Sounds so simple, but it did help alot.
I like the name. I've never heard it for a girl but that's awesome. I think we found out at 16 weeks or maybe 17? It was really a remarkable experience. She said she knew all along that it was a girl and she was certain. She wasnt even suprised at the ultrasound. Does you or your wife have any idea what you think the sex is?
Keep hanging in there. It certainly is a up and downhill battle for the first few weeks. But everything your describing is what I felt. And if we are as similar as our stories, you should be feeling better in no time. Just remember it will be worth it! If you slip up with the Prozac, which I remember wanting to do with Cymbalta, you will have to start all over again! And I told you that I could and would NEVER go back to how I was before! Hang tough Lowrider, your almost there!
Posted 06 September 2012 - 05:15 PM
The anxiety, sweats in the a.m. did they go away for you, I assume? Do you have any side-effects now?
I did notice the dry mouth has gone down a lot. Hated that!
We actually both think it is going to be a girl too!
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