1. I'm gay
2. I'm mentally ill. Formally diagnosed with anxiety, but also depressed to the point of occasional suicidal ideation (which no one besides DF knows)
My whole life is a huge tinderbox. If they ever find out about even one of those things, there will be hell to pay. If they find out about both, I might as well just **** myself, because I'll never have a relationship with them again.
Meanwhile I feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of these secrets. I was doing better earlier in the summer, back when I first moved back in (right after my college graduation) but now that it has set in that I'm not going back to college anymore. The ship has sailed, I have my degree.
I can't even imagine being happy. Each day is just another battle to fight. Even though I know I could have a future if I work for it, when I'm deep down in the depression I forget all about it. And it's hard to work when I'm feeling so depressed. Every day I'm convinced my bosses are going to fire me, that my parents will find out about my secrets and throw me out, that I'll end up homeless and hopeless.
I injured myself the other day, and I keep looking at the scars and hating myself for being so weak. (It's also been a pain to hide the scars, since it's summer and I have to wear short sleeves.)
People on DF know me better than my friends and family.
Didn't know where to put this in the forums. I feel like such a ****-up. People on here have helped me, and I just can't get past this.
Edited by Sheepwoman, 28 July 2012 - 07:43 PM.