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[aure]

I'm living with my family right now and there are two huge secrets that I can't share with them:

1. I'm gay
2. I'm mentally ill. Formally diagnosed with anxiety, but also depressed to the point of occasional suicidal ideation (which no one besides DF knows)

My whole life is a huge tinderbox. If they ever find out about even one of those things, there will be hell to pay. If they find out about both, I might as well just **** myself, because I'll never have a relationship with them again.

Meanwhile I feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of these secrets. I was doing better earlier in the summer, back when I first moved back in (right after my college graduation) but now that it has set in that I'm not going back to college anymore. The ship has sailed, I have my degree.

I can't even imagine being happy. Each day is just another battle to fight. Even though I know I could have a future if I work for it, when I'm deep down in the depression I forget all about it. And it's hard to work when I'm feeling so depressed. Every day I'm convinced my bosses are going to fire me, that my parents will find out about my secrets and throw me out, that I'll end up homeless and hopeless.

I injured myself the other day, and I keep looking at the scars and hating myself for being so weak. (It's also been a pain to hide the scars, since it's summer and I have to wear short sleeves.)

People on DF know me better than my friends and family.

Didn't know where to put this in the forums. I feel like such a ****-up. People on here have helped me, and I just can't get past this.

Edited by Sheepwoman, 28 July 2012 - 07:43 PM.
TOS/Triggering

[Epictetus]

Hi Aure,

I'm really sorry to read how you are suffering right now. I am 50+ years old and STILL have issues with my parents. I would like to suggest something. If you find it useless, then just reject it and others will have better words for you.

There is one element that is always present in a low mood situation like depression. It is this: we have OVER-valued something outside us and UNDER-valued ourselves. There is no depression without this element. Sometimes what we over-value is another person. But often what we over-value is an ideal.

Whether we like it or not we have been "programmed" by education and upbringing with ideals. They are always in the back of our mind judging us. I carry the burden of "the ideal son," "the ideal student," "the ideal friend," even the ideal "normal person." These ideals can be just brutal. My parents don't have to tell me that I am not "the ideal son," because I was raised so that the 'parents in my mind' tell me.

You should be this. You should be that. There is even an ideal for gay people. Gay culture has come up with a whole bunch of ideals too: "the ideal gay person." For example, the "ideal gay" person is, I don't know, out of closet with their parents. So wherever you go you are carrying the heavy burden of these abstract ideals. And anytime you are feeling bad about yourself it is ALWAYS BECAUSE YOU HAVE OVER-VALUED THESE EXTERNAL ABSTRACT IDEALS AND UNDER-VALUED YOURSELF.

You can start to feel a little better about yourself by loving yourself MORE than these abstract ideals. I'm not saying to give up ideals. No. I'm saying that you will be happier and more comfortable in your own skin if you don't over-value ideals. Start by saying: "I am not going to be the ideal son or daughter." I'm fine the way I am. "I am not going to be the ideal gay person." I'm just fine the way I am. Try to discover which unconscious ideals are making your life miserable.

Sometimes we break free of chains and then shackle ourselves with new chains. Why would you free yourself from being "the ideal son or daughter" and then put on the chains of being the "ideal gay person." Chains are chains. You can be yourself. You can go at your own pace and speed. You can be less that perfect and make mistakes. You can aim at progress and not perfection. You can love yourself unconditionally RIGHT NOW. Maybe your parents can't. I don't know. I know that you can. It isn't just all on you to fit into the world. The world also has to fit you. You are an individual person. It is no accident that there are individuals. God or nature or whatever intends individuals in their individuality. Your individual "strangeness" is not a defect in a universal. It is a perfection.

I don't know if these words will help you one little bit. But I hate to see you suffer so. You will do what you can do when you can do it, in relation to your parents, your ideals and even your gayness. Go easy on yourself. Honor and love yourself. Anyway . . . that is my fallible advice to you. I wish you all good things. I really do. Take care!!!